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Chapter Text

“What are looking for?” Oswald was lying on the bed and staring at Nygma`s back.

Edward flinched in surprise but didn`t turn around and kept sorting through paper on the table.

“I thought that effect would disappear.” Edward was going to sleep and the uninvited guest wasn`t in his plans.

“You know that you think too much? It was always your biggest flaw.” Oswald crossed his legs.

“I have told you many times not to lie on a couch.” Edward put down a folder and turned around to face him.

“It`s silly. I don`t even exist. You are too nervous.” Oswald smiled at him.

“It distracts me. I`m at a crossing in my life. Of course, I`m a little bit nervous.” Edward made an “OK” gesture.

“Doubts devour you.” Oswald said calmly.

Edward sat on the bed.

“I want you to get out now.”

“Oh, did you get offended? You are becoming sentimental.” Oswald pretended to be sad.

“I want to sleep. You distract me.” Edward said annoyingly.

“Lie down with me, Ed.” Oswald sneered. “What`s wrong? We lived together in your tiny apartment. Don`t you remember?”

“I remember everything.” Edward reluctantly lay down next to Oswald.

“We were happy. It seemed like that. I could forget the whole world that always strives to ruin me, that hates me. I was happy with you, Ed.” Oswald spoke with a gentle smile.

“I know.” He hadn`t the strength to argue at that moment.

They were lying in silence. Their hands would be almost touching, if they could.

“Can you not appear in wet clothes and with this annoying seaweed?” Edward`s strangely low voice broke the silence.

“Does it bother you? I can take it off.” Oswald sat up in the bed and began doing just that.

“I meant something else.” Edward tried to stop him.

“It embarrasses you, doesn`t it?” Oswald grinned smugly. “You are trying to deny it. Oh, Eddie, you saw me bare. What are you afraid of?” He leaned on his elbow.

Edward slightly blushed.

“I don`t want to be lying with a naked man. Isn`t it obvious?” He uttered nervously and angrily.

“Even if it`s me?” Oswald sneered and put his hand on the upper button of his shirt.

“Even more so.”

Oswald giggled and lay down. He looked at a celling with a slight smile. Edward felt how hard it was for him to see Oswald so happy and carefree and how much he needed to see him like this. He needed to see him smile. Although he has difficulties accepting it.

He wanted to be bold enough to confess at least to his own hallucination.

“I miss you. The real you.” Edward stared at him with a strange gentle feeling.

“Me too.” Oswald turned his head to Edward.

This moment resembled a love confession, so Edward felt unpleasant as he turned to his side awkwardly in attempt to stop seeing Oswald`s face.

“Good night.” He said quietly.

“Sweet dreams, dear.” Oswald answered slightly victoriously. Edward didn`t say anything but smiled imperceptibly.

Breakfast alone left a strange emptiness inside. He was becoming afraid of being alone. Therefore, in order to avoid this he got used to taking the drugs starting early in the morning. Besides, It’s better to face your fears, namely Oswald, head-on.

“Can you give me that plate?” Oswald indicated the dish with a purified pomegranate.

Edward was reading a newspaper and drinking his coffee. Unconsciously he took the plate and handed it to Oswald. When he saw out of the corner of his eye that Oswald had taken the edge of the dish, he let it go. Then the dish fell and broke, the red grains rolled dramatically across the floor.

Not-real Oswald chuckled. “It seems, you are starting to forget what is real and who is not.”

Edward eyed the broken plate with an air of inward defeat. “I was just distracted.”

“I want to believe in it.” Oswald grinned at him. “You are perplexed and no one can help you.”

“I will find the one who can guide me and then I can be free from you!” Edward stared angrily at the figment of his imagination.

“You never be free from me.” Oswald disappeared and left Edward devastated.

“There is still blood on your temple.”

Edward reluctantly opened his eyes, lying in the tub. Oswald didn`t even look at him, though. He stared at the mirror.

“What are you doing?” Edward was getting used to his unexpected appearances in the most inconvenient situations.

“Don`t you see?” Oswald answered dismissively without turning around. He was applying mascara to his eyes.

“You could just initially appear with mascara.” He felt something domestic in their little fights.

“Yes, I could.” He put the bottle of mascara in the pocket of his suit and took a palette of shadows.

Edward was observing him in silence. Locked in a small space with him, he felt strangely comfortable.

Oswald applied layers of black shadows to his eyelids. He had never looked so weirdly gothic before.

“It`s ridiculous.” Edward sneered.

“More than your own entertainment?” Oswald turned to Edward abruptly staring at him. Edward cowered slightly under the gaze of his brightly painted eyes. He could not look Oswald in the eye anymore and looked away.

Something unbearable was in his gaze. Oswald chuckled and perched on the edge of the tub.

“Look at me.” Edward didn`t obey as though he didn`t hear. “Your temple. Blood.”

“It`s not mine.” He uttered quietly.

“I know. That`s cause, I worry.” Oswald sounded sincere. “You can`t fix anything, but you can at least not drown in denial. You are doing wrong things. You're pretending to be someone you are not.”

Edward looked up at Oswald. He believed him but he couldn`t give up so easily. He really wanted be free from Oswald. Feel stronger. Be himself but not someone`s shadow.

“You look upset.” Oswald leaned in.

“Isn`t it your purpose?” Edward huddled back when the Penguin invaded his space. Even though he knew that Oswald wasn`t real, being so close to him was uncomfortable. Strangely pleasant uncomfortable.

“Nope. I`m you. I want you to be happy.” Oswald smiled and hunched more that he almost touched water. “What concerns you?” He grinned slyly. “Is it me being so close?”

He bit his lip smugly. “Admit it, you feel tense.”

“Your awful makeup frightens me.” Edward snapped. Meanwhile, he admitted to himself that Oswald was possibly right. Moreover, that terrible makeup actually fitted him really well.

“Maybe your attempt to spill acid on me was less cruel than your words right now.” Oswald pretended to be offended.

Edward snorted.

“Be honest, do you like my face? How I look? Not now, on the whole.” He preened his hair.

“What?” Edward felt more comfortable and confident when Oswald pulled back straightening up.

“You like my appearance. I want you to say that.” Maybe Oswald wants to get back at him?

“It`s silly.”

“Ed, I`ll prove it to you. I`ll make you admit it.” Oswald began to unbutton his shirt.

Edward stared at him, baffled.

“Is this some kind of a strip show?” Edward sneered, uncomfortable again.

“Maybe.” He threw the tuxedo on a sink and untied the cravat.

Edward sank further into the tub. He wanted him to stop. It was really silly.

Bare pale skin mesmerized him.

“Enough.” Edward said unexpectedly loud even for himself, nervously.

“You are boring. It`s not even erotic.” Oswald looked disappointed.

After another second Oswald ultimately casted his shirt at the floor. There was a scar on his shoulder that Edward cured. The good memory warmed him. Things were simpler back then. He lowered his gaze.

There was a terrible wound on Oswald`s stomach. Edward winced.

“You could get this body when it looked better.” Oswald sounded rueful. “But I haven't heard what I wanted to hear yet.” He grinned sadly.

He started unbuckling his belt.

“Stop, Oswald.” Oswald didn`t pay him attention. Edward was beginning to feel more and more anxious. He needed to put a stop to it. “You are beautiful. I like your appearance.”

“Go on.” Oswald stopped, but his hands were still on the buckle.

“You are handsome. Your face, your build, your old-fashion taste in clothes, even your awful makeup. I like it. I like you.” It was simpler than he thought. He let out a sigh of relief.

“Fine. It`s progress. But the certificate of your “sanity” is still far away.” He chuckled. “I like you too.”

Edward washed the blood from his temple, still staring at Oswald.

Chapter Text

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't feel
Just because I don't feel doesn't mean I don't understand
We are one in the unified field
We are one in the unified field

IAMX – The Unified Field

Edward was striving to cease his addict. It was beginning unbearable. He understood that he could broke ultimately. If that was the only way to avoid it, he had to do it. He stopped taking the pills.

He was too used to him. He felt it almost physically. All his thought were returning to him. It distracted him. He couldn`t focus on anything.

He was often unconsciously pulling to the vial with pills and then he was pulling himself together, frustrated. He was tensed permanently. It has to end one day.

If I let him to appear again, it will mean that I have given up. I can`t fight with illusion. I can`t fight with myself, he thought.

He looked at the portrait with a question mark. He was becoming sentimental. He have to fight. Even if he was right. Right?

I should say goodbye to him. It wasn`t right left this era so. He deserve a farewell. We both deserve it. I can manage with it. I will not concede him.

It didn`t change from previous time. Cold damp wind but at least it didn`t rain. It have to be fair. We both deserve it. He took the pill. Nothing. This will be the last time. A taste of the bitterness of future misery.

He was keeping a box of the pills under harbour and waiting. It has to briefly.

“I accept your choice.” He were standing beside him. There was so much humility in his voice. He looked at him haggardly.

He was back in his drowned suit with seaweed on his shoulders. Pathetic.

“Oswald.” Edward felt how sweet were pronounce his name. Will this be the last time? “I want to free you.”

“Fine.” His words were shadows. He calmly stared at Edward with gentles. His eyes are like the water in which he drowned. And now I am drowning. Edward almost grinned. “Release it.” He nodded at the box in Edward`s trembling hand. His words pricked him. It would be easier if he resented and threatened, as usual.

“It`s the end.” As though I am trying to convince myself. Am I? Stupid threats.

Oswald looked away to order not distract him. It`s almost sacrifice himself. But he isn`t real.

“I will miss.” Edward`s voice betrayed him and he flinched.

Oswald bestowed him the gentlest smile with hidden bitterness.

“I like you. After all.” It sounded too much different than it had in the bathroom. As if there had to be another word that he was afraid to utter. “And you know, maybe you are right. I don`t have to end it so. I am not ready so far. I think, probably, it`s really a fate. I will know when I can free from you. Possible, when this fucking pills end and I'm not the one who will decide to end this.” He annoyingly shook the box in his fist. “But now I`m stronger only with you. I need you, after all.”

He put the pox in the pocket in his green suit.

“Say something.” It was almost plea. He accepted his defeat.

“So we are going home, aren`t we?” He smiled sweetly, and that smile warmed Edward. Home.

“You became quiet after we returned. What`s wrong?” Edward expected that Oswald will be glad their reunion. However, he seemed sadder and pensive. He stopped annoying him. Oswald hardly shared his thoughts with him anymore. But, despite this, he appeared. He was just sitting around and sometimes he read something or drunk not-real coffee or wine. He stopped wearing those wet clothes that reminiscent Edward of what he had done. On the other hand, he no longer applied this gothic makeup and even almost no makeup at all. It felt snugger. It was as if they had been together for so long that they did not notice each other in their routine, imperceptibly complementing each other. He became more convenient but it wasn`t what Edward liked in him. He became his shadow. Although even so, he felt calm when he saw him next to him.

He often gazed at him when Oswald didn`t look at him. As he earnestly read as though he was real. He was idly laying on the couth next to the fireplace. Light of fire was playing in his pale visage. His eyes was flickering. His clothes were more casual than early as if he didn`t strive to impress somebody anymore.

He yawned and outstretched his bad leg as if it might hurt.

“What`s wrong?” He blinked at Edward.

“You're acting weird. Are you offended that I took you on the dock?” Edward warily asked. He liked the way the light fell on his face. He seemed more attractive when he didn`t often grimace. He fitted this old-fashioned estate as if he was a rare ancient work that everyone had forgotten about, and then it completely belonged to him alone. Deceptive thoughts.

He lazily sighed. “Nope, I`m just, maybe, tired of our eternal bickering.” He looked away. It seemed that his eyes were wet.

“I'm regret about it. If you don't want to see me anymore, you don't have to.” His own voice seemed unfamiliar to him.

“I don`t care. Do you remember, that I`m only your imagination?” There was a hint of mockery in Oswald`s eyes. Edward missed it.

“I want you to be something more than that.” Edward stared at him with uncertain emotion.

“Is this supposed to be flattering?” He slightly smiled, warmly.

“As you wish.” He strangely enjoyed his half-shy, half-sly smile.

He became taking the pills before sleep that Oswald had to stay with him at night. Oswald did not resist, but neither did he seek to reduce the distance between them. Edward felt that now he manage situation and it felt comfortable. He wasn`t ready to confess in some things even himself so far. So that he just quietly enjoyed presence other man.

“What you read?” Edward was laying on the side back to Oswald laying on other side of the bed and reading. The light that Oswald rejected to turn off a little annoyance Edward but somehow he didn`t feel so much petulance as early. As though there was domestic atmosphere that he wanted to for a long time. Although when he early thought about that, he imagined significantly other picture. At least it had to be woman who was lying next to him. Nevertheless, after the last time he thought about it, a lot of things turned upside down.

“"Demian" by Hermann Hesse. It`s enough curious. He a lot inspired by Carl Jung`s theory. There are many things about hidden separated parts himself that man try to deny. You know, it`s reminder me you." His voice sounded threatening calmly but his eyes burned him.

“I know. You can`t read that I didn`t read.” Edward turned to him.

“Nevertheless, I can found in that more than you could.”

Edward bitted his lower lip under his strict gaze. His head was still on the cushion so that he looked up at Oswald.

“Okay, it`s not interesting charade anymore, cause you reminded me that I can`t do even obvious things.” He looked sincerely upset. Edward want to comfort him. He unconsciously reached out to touch his cheek.

Unfortunately, he did not feel the touch. His hand passed near. He could only feel the cold air instead of the warmth of his skin. Something bitter squeezed his heart.

“I`m not even enough powerful tulpa that you can touch me.” He mournfully grinned.

Edward furrowed. He didn't have any desire to touch it before, so it didn't bother him that he couldn't, but now something has changed.

“I`ll come up something to fix it.” He saw hope in Oswald`s perplexed look.

“Well. Let`s sleep.” He stretched to turn off a lamp. In the dark, he curled up under the blanket on the edge of the bed. Ed felt how he was confused for some reason. Was it because he showed that he still want to touch him after all, or cause he couldn`t do it?

They were laying in the dark. He heard his rough breath.

“I promise it.”

Chapter Text

I want to hold you close, skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, close your eyes, so lovely, it feels so right
I want to hold you close, soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear, "I want to fucking tear you apart"

She Wants Revenge – Tear You Apart

It was raining a little. They walked out of the manor. Edward held the umbrella over himself and even more over Oswald as they stepped over the small puddles. Edward was walking fast, but fast enough for Oswald to hobble along beside him.

“Where are we in a hurry?” Oswald asked jittery. Edward only moved the umbrella closer to Oswald. “I can`t get wet, silly!” He was annoyed that Ed ignored his question. “And it's ironic that you literally drowned me and now you're afraid I'll get wet.” He was rushing along beside him.

Edward sneered and rolled up the umbrella. He got into the car. Without opening a door, Oswald turned out in the car next to him. “So, where are we going?”

He pretended to dry his seemingly wet hair. Edward didn`t pay attention. “You`ll see.”

“Ugh, you are going to torture me even after death.” Oswald pouted and looked at the window with the raindrops. It felt like something mournful nostalgic thought it wasn`t broach any certain memories.

“Are you serious? I was joking when I said about the torture. You are not going to– ” He was interrupted by a knock on the door. He quietly cursed and followed Edward.

It was the Gotham Library. After all, he hated that place. And in the end, Edward decided to bring him there! He was wondering what he was up to.

They went straight to the librarian. Of course, it was another young woman.

“Can I help you?” She politely asked Edward. Did all the librarians smiled like that? Disgust.

Edward saw Oswald roll his eyes.

“We– ” He stammered and looked away from Oswald. “– I want to read about tulpas.”

“I'll see what we have.” She smiled again and left.

It was strange that among all the libraries in Gotham he chose that one. Oswald stared at him, puzzled, leaning on the counter.

“Why? What did you mean by that?” He narrowed his eyes, suspecting.

Edward tilted his head, confusedly. At last, he pulled himself together.

“I`ve made my choice, Oswald. You are my choice.” He looked at him earnestly. Oswald furrowed and was going to resent but then he just opened his mouth and didn`t say anything. In the end, he just turned away, bewildered.

Edward tenderly smiled at his back. Coming here meant to start a new life, without Isabella, without past hopes. He couldn't deny it when all he had now was a pile of ashes. A bottle of the pills.

He was trying not to count the remaining pills. It will be enough. Usually he took the one pill, but now he wanted more. He took the two. It felt odd, as though he became to percept surges around himself. It was as if his body had become more sensitive. It was as if he had become stronger, more sincere with himself.

Oswald was sitting on the couch. He looked perplexed. “What`s it?”

“Do you feel it too?” Edward oddly smiled at him. He could feel this poison flowing through his veins.

“It may be dangerous to take two at a time.” Oswald huddled back when Edward sat down next to him.

“I don`t care. It`s feeling marvellously.” He leaned over to Oswald, while his hand grabbed his kneel. It was so unusual felt his, to touch him. He couldn`t believe it.

“Ed– ” Oswald gasped and smiled, excited.

“As I promised.” His hand slowly rose and cupped his head. “Maybe I`m insane. But no matter how much I resisted, it didn't help.”

“Yeah.” There was a sparkle in his blinding eyes. Oswald closed and kissed him. Firstly gently and almost chaste, as if groped. Further he were becoming more courage and aggressive, desperate. Edward reciprocated, while his hand were walking on his body.

His hand reached out his pale neck and gently grabbed it. He felt warmth other`s body, tensed under his hand.

“Let`s, I know, you want.” Oswald whispered between heated kisses. Edward looked into his cunning eyes with dilated pupils. The fireplace behind Oswald was the only source of light. It made everything more intimate.

Edward squeezed his hands around his neck. He heard choked sounds from Oswald's throat, felt his rush pulse. He threw him on the couch and leaned on him. He still strangled him and gazed at Oswald`s pale, agitated face. They didn't take their eyes off each other. The desperate desire was aggravating in them.

Edward`s lips collapsed at Oswald`s, biting and tearing. Drug became him wilder, bolder. Oswald's arms wrapped around his waist, holding him close.

“I want– ” His choked voice was so pleasant. “– you.”

“I know.” He ripped his tie, quickly unbuttoned shirt, rushing. “I won`t deny anything anymore.”

“Then admit it.” Oswald was shut up by the kiss. “Out loud.”

Edward left marks at him neck, biting. Hickeys redden rapidly. Oswald moaned and winced. “Ed.”

“Louder.” Edward sneered and undressed his jacket and shirt finally. He saddled him and hard bitted the ear. Oswald flinched and screamed. “Enough loud.” Edward grinned that whine that Oswald let out.

Edward gently kissed his forehead with dishevelled fridge. Oswald melted under him. Edward could feel his heavy breathing as he arched and buckled. How he was vulnerable and fragile under him. As he always subconsciously wanted to be the one in charge.

“But not you.” Oswald hardly pronounced, grinning. “Say it.”

Edward leaned over to kiss him, but Oswald dodged. “I demand.”

Edward chuckled, straightened and stroked Oswald`s bare chest. His pads of fingers were groping many scars on that gentle skin. The bullet scar he healed. The bullet scar he caused.

A wave of strange feelings swept over him. He moved closer to Oswald's face, squeezing his neck at the same time.

“I want you. I want to touch you.” He was loudly whispering and burning him with him gaze. “I want to absorb you of all. Make you my. Fuck you. Make you plead, cry. Punish you for what you did for me. How you a lot hurt me. Hurt `cause you dared to decide yourself how should I live. You made me. Created me. You made me don`t want to live without you. Made me crave you so much that I have to be stoner. I dream about you. I see you everywhere. I`m yours. I want to force you to feel how much that rips me apart. I want to fucking tear you apart" Edward was choking him with such enthusiasm that he didn't notice how his body was getting milder and weaker by the second. Oswald`s gaze were foggy. Edward was strangely enjoyed that advantage over him. He wanted to revenge. He was feral by lust and rage and disappointment in yourself and missing him. Moreover, by the other pill.

He released and softly kissed his bruised neck. “I don`t understand what is happening with me but I can`t help to.” He purred in his ear, but his tone was far from apologetic.

“Edward, you said a lot, but there wasn't what you had to say.” Oswald's voice sounded hoarse and broken, but his mocking look did not escape Edward. “I still wait.” He grinned and spat blood.

“I hate you.” Edward furiously joined their swollen and bitten lips. “I crave you.” His hand lowered to the buckle. “I loathe you.” His tongue penetrated to Oswald`s mouth, slipping other`s teeth and palate. “I want to fuck you, Oswald.”

His arms squeezed him tiny body. But suddenly he felt something was wrong. His hands were slowly losing his body. They were losing the warmth of other`s body. He didn`t feel Oswald`s hot breath on his face anymore.

He frightened, his eyes widened. “Oswald, don`t left me. I didn`t mean that. I`m so sorry. I was wrong, Oswald.” He was trying to catch him ghostly body. He felt tears filling his eyes. He desperately wanted to change something. He stood up with trembling hands and weak knees. “Don`t worry, Oswald. I`ll fix everything. We`ll be together. Always, Oz.”

Edward smiled like a man possessed. Oswald blankly observed Edward. “Ed, you are insane. It`s too much for you.” He looked concerned. He was disheveled, his neck was in terrified state, bruised, bitten and bleed. The buttons on his shirt were lost. The clavicle was scratched. There were traces of blood on his bitten, swollen lips. He was breathing heavily. Meanwhile, he didn`t care about it all. He was worried about Edward.

Edward held the bottle of the drugs. “I`ll fix it.” He took else two pills.

“Ed, this is going to kill you.” Oswald`s eyes were wet.

“That would mean you killed me. And I will be with you. I won`t resist it.” Edward madly gazed at him, agitated.

“Edward, for my sake, think again!” Oswald hopped on the couch.

“I don't want to spend my life without you. If it means die to touch you, I'll choose that.” He said earnestly.

“Ed– ” Oswald choked on the air. Tears flowed from his big worried eyes.

“If you let me, again.” Edward moved close with questionable face. He warily drawn the hand toward Oswald. “Can I?” He looked so vulnerable at that moment.

“Yes, of course. You can`t really hurt me, especially physically. So if this is your way of enjoying, I won't mind. I`m you, after all.” He sadly sighted at Edward and encouraging smiled.

Chapter Text

Sometimes he loved him gently and carefully, because he felt guilty for his own previous unjust cruelty to him though Oswald never resist his intentions. Then their kisses became almost chaste and slow. He tucked Oswald`s disheveled long fridge behind his ear with love. He wanted to show him his fondness to him. Wanted to comfort him, to redeem what he had done. What they both had done to each other.

The bruises and bites that Edward had inflicted were disappearing when he is popping up again.

He gently stroked the bullet wound he had inflicted. Edward kissed him on the forehead and looked at him apologetically. He would like everything to be simpler, so that he would never meet Isabella.

Nevertheless, they were significantly more often trying just to tear each other apart. After all, Edward couldn't just accept how they both felt about each other. That he felt it too. Sometimes he still hesitated.

Taking pills made their proximity more passionate and eager. After that, Edward often woke up and found his ruined clothes around. He wondered how their proximity really looked. It had to be very odd.

They spent all days together and hardly ever left the manor. Mostly in bed. But after satisfying hunger they just enjoyed each other. They found peace. Edward felt that this was the paradise he had dreamed of before. They hardly separated.

Edward came out of the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel. “Oswald? Where are you?”

He didn`t see him but suddenly he apprehended something on the right. He turned to the table and found the sheet. It was Oswald`s handwriting. However, he guessed something was wrong with that sheet. He never met it before. It wasn`t the real sheet, at least the written.

“Oh, Edward, you can`t even get what it is?” Oswald appeared behind him. His arms wrapped around Edward`s shoulders. “I thought you are smart.” Oswald purred in his ear smugly.

“Is it the riddle?” Edward dubiously suggested, enjoying their closeness.

“Yeah.” Oswald rested his chin on Edward's shoulder. “Isn`t it obvious?”

“But why are you asking me a riddle? It's not like you.” Edward turned his head towards Oswald so that their faces were an inch apart.

“I guess you're not the same as usual right now either.” Oswald slyly grinned at Edward.

“Oki-doki. I accept the challenge.” Edward smiled back at Oswald and kissed him. He bent down over the sheet. “i in the fourth degree? The last time I studied higher mathematics at the university. How did this even emerge in our brain? The answer is one. Simple. Further. Divide one by infinity. Are you serious? It`s becoming like a school test. Zero. I hope you didn`t riddle it in binary code.”

Oswald hanging on his shoulder grinned, snidely. “Hope.”

Edward rolled his eyes. “I guess, is it a joke?” The Oswald`s gaze was opaque. “Well. Whatever. dx/dt. Is it physics? It`s becoming more and more strange. I think I`ve took too much pills. Velocity?” He got an Oswald`s approved nod.

“And the last, lim(1+1/n)^n when n→∞. Oswald, do you think I remember it?”

“If I remember, therefore do you.” Edward glanced at Oswald incredulously.

“Well, I think, it`s like Newton`s binomial.” Edward dropped Oswald`s arms and earned dissatisfied look from him. Edward grinned and sat at the table. “It`s your guilty.”

“You need to train your brain anyway.” Oswald raised his eyebrows convincingly.

“I do it already.”

“Sex isn`t implied.” Oswald snidely smiled.

“But science tell that– ”

“You have your homework.” Oswald quickly interrupted him and came out.

Oswald returned when Edward finally figured out the answer.

“Is it e?” He asked when he noticed the other man.

“Yeah.” Oswald perched on the armrest of the armchair.

“10ve? And what is it?” Edward furrowed at Oswald`s smug face.

“Think.” Oswald leaned in and mysteriously whispered.

Edward looked away, brooding. After several seconds, he turned to Oswald with a pleased smile. “It`s not numbers. It`s all letters. Love?” And he suddenly felt like he himself paled. “Is that word that you demanded from me?”

Oswald earnestly glanced at him and slightly nodded.

“Oh, Oswald.” He moved close to him. Oswald shuddered and looked away. “I didn`t think it was so important to you.”

“I still hear how you said that terrible words. It was a lie, admit it?” He vulnerably looked up at him.

I don`t love you.

“It was a lie, Oz.” He wrapped his arms around his waist, kissed his hair and rested his head on his.

He felt that this his Oswald needed his love as he himself needed love before. It was like to comfort younger version of himself, like to fix what he want have amended.

Chapter Text

He spend drugs without noticing it. But the day, that he craved before and was dreaded now had arrived. He hadn`t pills anymore that meant he hadn`t Oswald and the reason to live. He was addicted and he didn`t hide it. He was ready to do anything to get him back. He became him turn off his bad thoughts. He was focusing on him and he was feeling himself whole. At least another him didn`t bother him anymore. And now he was frightened he would appear again.

He felt physically how he was obsessed it. His pale hands trembled, his forehead was sweaty, he can`t focus on anything and his thoughts were tangled and filled only inscription 'Error. Failed to contact the server. Try again latter'. He was anxious and lonely as he had never been before.

He had lost his former source of drugs and needed new. But their feature was they were handmade specifically for it purpose and he couldn`t get them wherever. He needed the one who had enough connections, was suffice smart and would want to help Edward. And after well-known events he had not a lot allies especially enough clever for it.

His memories about events before their reunion were coming back to him. He recalled how he was obsessed with the desire to find an intelligent person equal to him. He remembered Foxy. Of course, Foxy could help him. He had connection in Wayne Enterprises and worked with substances. And what was more important he was enough smart.

Edward was going to plan how to force Lucius help him, but withdrawal made him useless. He drank water as more as he could to muffle that awful emptiness inside. Nevertheless, he lost appetite and it seems he didn`t eat some days. He hesitated between maniacal terms when he try to figure out what he can do and periods when he found consolation only in dreams. The last place where he could meet Oswald. At that time, he was almost happy again. He slept as many as advanced headache let him. The painkillers made him nauseous. Bright light and any sounds irritated him. He became badly nervous. He was cold and then hot. He couldn't get warm. He was afraid to call an ambulance. He daydreamed and almost hallucinated but there were terrifying and quick hallucinations. He were losing himself.

He was ready to believe in ghosts. He tried to summon Oswald`s tylpa or ghost of dead Oswald even if he would loathe him. This would be better than stayed alone. He clung to Oswald`s things, ran his fingers through his shirts and ties, wore his robe. He became often to hold his cane. It was part of him. He tried through them to remind himself how was to touch him.

Sometimes he slept in his bed, although their proximity usually happened in Edward`s room. He didn`t divide Oswald his imagined and real whom he betrayed. Occasionally he forgot where reality was and where fantasy was.

He stopped to understand time. Time went through him without touching him. He was becoming to amaze usual stuffs. He looked at his long arms as though he saw them first time. His body hurt and pulled and felt like not him body anymore. He didn`t recognize his own body. He felt himself like ghost that stuck in that torturing cage. He became more afraid to look in the mirror than ever.

It was unbearable. He could not take it anymore. He needed Foxy. And he hadn`t strength to force him somehow. He could only hope for his kindness.

He sneaked in his car as he did before because he just couldn`t come up anything difference in that state. All his brain was occupied only the one idea. To get him back. He almost lay down on rear seats in order to Foxy wouldn`t to notice him immediately. He wait, and his patience was waning. He was so lost in his thoughts that he was surprised when Lucius got into the car. He accidently gasped and Fox turned around with the gun in his hand.

“We haven't heard from you for a long time.” He said with a small, tight smile and pointed the gun at him.

Edward was so confused that even his gun was in the back pocket. He decided that it was better not to try to pull out the weapon.

“Yeah.” He perplexedly drawled, trying to seem more smug and intimidating.

“What`s wrong with you?” Lucius studied his pale face and eyes that avoided eye contact. “Did you do something really bad?” There was concern in his voice.

“I– ” Edward was automatically ready to be indignant but something in him trembled. “I don`t know.” He said roughly instead and lowered his eyes.

“Edward, what happened? Is it connected with Oswald?” Edward flinched on his name and glanced at him wildly.

“What do you know?” Edward leaned in and narrowed his eyes. His voice was low and trembled.

“You hurt him somehow?” Lucius moved away, incredulously.

Edward sigh. “Yeah, I do.”

“And now you regret it?” Fox calmed down and moved close.

Edward swallowed. These words were not enough to describe how much he suffered. “Maybe. But it doesn't matter now.” He added a little more confidently. “I want you to do something for me.” He looked sternly into his eyes.

Lucius frowned with displeasure. “What`s it?”

“Drugs.” Edward said bluntly with a calm face.

“Oh.” Fox raised his eyebrows in concern. “What are you mixed up in?”

That worried gaze ruined Ed somehow. He heavily inhaled. “I need it, do you understand? I can`t live without it, Foxy. You are the only one who can help me!” He cried and was so close to Lucius that he could feel how he trembled. “If I don't meet him again, I'll kill myself.” His tone wavered between pleading and threatening. He abruptly pulled out his gun and pointed it at Foxy. “Please. I`m begging you.” Tears were rolling down his cheeks. He was gasping; the gun was shuddering in his trembling hand. His voice was hoarse and broken.

“Edward, calm down. What drugs?” Lucius slowly reached out to Edward, trying to pacify him.

“A special hallucinogen.” He uttered softly, avoiding eye contact. “There's probably a sample left here.” He pulled out the empty bottle and handed it to Foxy. He neatly took it and warily looked at Edward.

“Why?”

There was silence for a moment.

“I missed him.” He confessed with a bitter, small smile.

“And what happened to him?” Lucius gingerly asked.

“I denied him.” Edward answered simply.

Lucius gazed at him oddly and furrowed.

“You two–” But he faltered when he remembered who he was talking to.

“Yep.” Edward pursed his lips. His eyes were still red and swollen.

Foxy looked away and slightly opened his mouth. He was definitely amazed.

The next morning, Fox arrived at the manor as quickly as he could. Although he had never been there, he felt that this place had changed. It looked abandoned. Lucius even began to doubt that Edward would be there. The closer he got, the less formidable and sadder the manor seemed.

He knocked politely on the door and waited patiently. Very soon, he realized that something was definitely wrong. He stepped back, pulled out the gun and fired at the latch on the door, hoping that it wouldn`t be regarded as illegal entry.

He entered and walked through the rooms in an attempt to find Nygma. There was a mess. It seemed that, except Edward, no one attended that place. There was dust everywhere. It was obvious that Nygma didn`t connected with Oswald`s maid after occurrence. What was strange, every mirrors or even just reflecting surfaces were shattered.

Lucius went upstairs. Those rooms looked more residential. The lamps were lit. He noticed several empty wine bottles on the floor and on the table. Some were broken smithereens. He avoid stepping on fragments.

He found drops of blood on the floor. The trail lead to bathroom. The door was open and there was dark. He could almost hear the whining. “Edward?”

His own voice sounded weak and unsure to him. “Are you here?”

“Don`t close to me. Whoever you are.” Edward`s voice sounded hoarse and quiet but as if calm.

Lucius still couldn`t to see him, but he didn`t want to bother him more, so he stilled. “I couldn`t to get what you were taking before, but I think it might resembles that.”

Fox heard clumsy movement in the dark. He stepped back warily.

“Where are they?” Edward stood in the doorway. His eyes were red and swollen but sight was penetrating and firm. His lips were pale and pursed. His whole face was tense and concentrated as the muzzle of a beast ready for the final jump.

“Nygma, you look bad. You shouldn’t– “ Fox moved close to Nygma trying to placate him.

“Give me it or I`ll take it myself.” He hardly blinked. Edward stepped forward and Fox found that how much he was pale. Nygma`s opaque gaze made him cowered.

“Well.” He pull out a little bottle and a syringe.

Edward nodded oddly and went to chamber. Fox followed him mutely.

Something wild and animal was in his movement. As though he was ready to assault or defence every moment. He sat down on couch and stared at Fox expectedly. Lucius sat next to him reluctantly.

“C`mon.” Edward rolled up his sleeve and stretched out his hand. The veins bulged and were an easy target. Lucius heard his tough and concerned breath. He smeared a skin with an antiseptic.

Ed felt the cold air with this part of his skin and was looking forward to the appearance of the desired poison in his blood.

“Okay.” He let himself to concede him at that moment because, as he convinced himself, he wouldn`t to hear him. Fox filled the syringe and injected the drug into his vein. The needle had pricked his pale skin. Edward groaned involuntarily. He closed his eyes and leaned back, listening his perception. Soon, satisfaction and peace appeared on his face.

“Does it work?” Fox carefully removed the syringe with a worried look.

“Not yet.” Edward pronounced dismissively, not looking at him. “But I anticipate it.” He smiled at him, oddly. Then he hunched back and closed eyes again.

Lucius was sitting next to him, quietly. It didn`t feel right, but what could he do? He was a drug addict, Fox couldn`t act directly.

None of them could clearly say how much time they spent in this way.

"When will it take effect? A full effect?" Edward turned to him, frowning.

"I don't know. Soon? But, I worry, it can evoke not only the hallucination Penguin. So, be careful." Lucius sounded not only concerned but also curious. He narrowed his eyes, exploring him.

Edward silenced and gazed at emptiness. His sight was tense. Suddenly, he began to speak and his voice was fragile and frank.

"I saw them all. Kristen." He chuckled bitterly. "The other.” He swallowed. “The other me. The Riddler. And Oswald. But that Oswald wasn't my. My-my who was before end of pills and after a pier." He clarified with strange glance at Fox. "That other he mocked me. Made fun of me. Teased me. Scared me." His gaze was frozen. "He wasn't him. Just an evil illusion."

"They all aren't real"

"But what difference between real and not, if we were happy?" Edward looked at him with a weird awe. There was a fever flicker in his wide opened eyes.

“That it wasn't both of you. Only you.” Lucius was scared Edward`s further reaction, for a moment. Nevertheless, Edward remained the same.

“I know. But I can`t help to. If this is my last opportunity, I'll use it.” Edward`s voice faltered on the last words. He distracted immediately and stared ahead. His look was intent and focused. His dry and pale lips parted slightly. His fists squeezed a little. He saw him, Fox thought.

Edward leaned forward. Lucius almost could traced the invisible guest. There was something creepy. As a real ghost.

Lucius got up neatly so as not to disturb Nygma. Part of him just wanted to get out of here in silence and never think about it. But the other one still wanted to help him.

He pulled out a piece of paper with a phone number and put it on the table.

“If you`ll need to talk or… more.” He glanced at the rolled sleeve with a mark of a prick. “You don`t need to threaten me. Just call.” He glanced at Edward at last.

“Yep, Foxy. Thank you.” He didn't pay any attention to him, fully devoured by a vision.

A little disappointed, but not surprised, Lucius left the manor.

It repeated. As soon as the drug in his vein stopped to work, he found the piece of paper with his phone number. He didn`t hesitate any seconds. He called him and it seemed like Fox looked forward his calling.

“Hi. I need else.” Edward tried to be cheerful and hide how much he was apprehensive, expecting his reject. He didn`t want to look pitiful as he was without those drugs.

“Ed, are you all right?” Lucius asked earnestly.

“Quite fine. I need else. Come.” He was so afraid his refusal that he just hung up in order not to hear his answer. Rejection. He was almost sure that Lucius would come. Probably without drugs. But even so it would be better than being alone. He was terrified to come back that hell in that he was before Fox. Be stuck in his head with own thoughts again. Be tortured by other him and his past mistakes. By regrets. Although he didn’t` lose a hope that Fox will help him apparently.

Fox arrived quickly. Edward was nearly excited a ring. “Foxy.” He smiled, opening the door.

“Hello.” He walked past him. “You look better actually.”

“Thanks to you.” He decided not to threat to him but try to please him in order to get what he want. It wasn`t his usual tactic but possibly it might work. After all, he was really grateful to him.

Ed ushered him through hall. They tried to chat but it turned out forced. They were on the kitchen when Edward couldn`t to endure further.

“Did you bring this?” He stared at him intently, trying to figure it out from his face.

“No.” An answer stunned him. “It was a mistake. You have to understand it.”

He couldn't believe it was true. That Foxy dared to come to him empty-handed. Edward grabbed his elbow and pulled him towards him.

“I wanted to be polite.” He smiled threatening.

“I see. But I can`t let you do it.” Fox was calm and serious. He didn't try to free himself from the tightened grip.

“Anyway.” Suddenly, Edward gripped a kitchen knife that was on the table by other hand. “I think I can convince you.” He pressed the blade to his neck.

“If you do it, you will lost your last hope to meet him again.” He uttered quietly without any concern. His confidence annoyed and scared Edward because he himself was hardly sure in his action.

“Oh, I am not to going to kill you. I think torture would be more fruitful.” He grinned, narrowing his eyes slyly.

“Edward. It`s not you.” There was a bit of concern in his voice, but he still looked confident. “Think again.” He felt the cold blade on his skin. He swallowed hard. “It`s in my car.” Edward exhaled with relief and pulled away the knife.

He may have been defeated in battle, but not in war. He was stubborn to give the drug to Edward easily but after he always concede. Sometimes Edward became less insistent as if he started to doubt. Frequent reproaches made him to let think that another way exists, but he immediately discarded these thoughts. They met almost every two days. Fox didn`t let him have drugs at own disposal. He was afraid he would take an overdose.

Fox was starting to lost hope to cure him from his addiction. If he would contact a specialist then they can send him to Arkham. He didn’t` want to betray him so when he was sick. It was strange feeling when he saw him vulnerable and fragile first time. As though now he had responsibility for him.

Ed called him any time as he needed. Firstly, Fox compelled, concerned, and came but further he was starting to reject him in immediate coming. Each time he delayed more.

If he couldn't help him, at least he couldn't poison him. Once he lied that he hadn`t any more ingredients for it. When he met Edward`s terrified gaze, he added that so far. It`s a little calmed down Edward but not much. He recognized how awful next days will. It made his hands tremble.

Lucius tried to comfort him and convinced that he will handle with it. The next day he arrived to visit him. In the doorway he said at once that he didn`t get them so far. However, no matter Ed let him in. It was better to talk to someone to distract from the nightmares in reality.

Edward looked worse than before. There were dark circles under his eyes; the sight was tired. They almost didn`t talk but it wasn`t inconvenient like before. Ed felt more comfortable with him in the room than alone. All the time he hardly spoke with anyone. He was drowning in his thoughts, he couldn`t escape from himself. But with Foxy he could distract and a little relaxed at last.

“Thank you.” He murmured quietly, not looking at him.

“For what?” Fox asked the same quietly, raising his eyebrows.

“It`s nice to know that even when you are broken someone want to help you though I behaved horribly towards you and your friends. And city.” He added reluctantly when he recognized how sentimental he sounded.

“You are not broken.” Fox objected with careful look. Ed only rolled his eyes.

“It`s funny that I needed to be broken in order to be honest with myself. At least I`m glad that I do at last.” He glanced at him with a sorrowful small smile.

That evening was the calmest that he had recently. But the other him didn`t be content his peace. They mocked him, made to doubt in Fox. “It has to be a trap. He is lying you. He just want you be miserable stupid Ed. He want to take revenge you for what you did. He is pretending your friend to ruin you from inside as you did with Oswald.”

“But my life is ruined already.” Edward sneered evilly.

“But you still hope. And he`ll make you hope more and then take it away. You`ll lose everything. You`ll be insane. Insane stupid little Ed Nygma.” The voice chuckled. “You are helpless as when you worked in GCPD. You want to trust people. Hope that they are really going to help you.”

“Shut up. You don`t understand anything. Foxy is good and he`ll help me. He can`t lie me.” He snapped at.

“Verify it. Check his cabinet. I`m sure that you`ll find something curious that have to be yours.” He heard the smug smile in that voice.

He resisted that tempting thoughts. The thought that he would get the drug tonight didn`t let him calm down. He started to come up involuntarily a plan how realize it. He worked in GCPD so long that it wasn`t a big deal to sneak there unnoticeably. He convinced himself that he wanted only to assure the others him that they were wrong. Fox couldn`t cheated him.

Tonight he sneaked in his cabinet in the GCPD. When he worked there he made a duplicate of keys to the cabinet in order to conduct autopsies that he wasn`t allow to do. So he didn't even have to break the lock. He hadn`t much time so he wasn`t especially careful to not left trace after himself. At last, he found the same small bottle what he saw before. He felt almost physically it was what he was looking for. He stretched to syringes that he had noticed before. It wasn’t clever to take it here but he can`t help to. He craved it so much. He didn`t antiseptic a skin and just fulfilled a syringe a max dose and pricked it. A needle entered smoothly in his a little trembled arm. A warmth spreaded through his veins. There was a drop of blood under the needle. Fox never gave him a full dose. Edward didn`t even know how pleasant it felt.

After syringe was empty he throw it away, smiled Oswald quickly and warmly, he took all bottles with drugs and some syringe and left GCPD the same way as he sneak there.

He wasn`t mad at Fox. He was too satisfied to be angry with anyone. When they were coming back to the manor, Edward`s hand was laying on the Oswald`s kneel all time while they rode. As if he wanted to be sure that Oswald was near when he couldn`t see him.

“If you`ll glance at me so often, we can collide in someone.” Oswald`s cheerful voice made him felt so good. At home.

Fox was home but doubts didn`t leave him. He knew Nygma and knew that he wouldn`t give up. He felt something was wrong. If only… he could ruin them both. He called him. It`s late but he had to know that everything is all right. The phone beeped in his ear made him more anxious with every sound. Maybe, he`s just busy? Or sleep? No, he had to be looking forward his call as his last hope. If he didn`t that mean he got that he wanted already.

Fox rode to the GCPD. As quickly as he could he arrived there. It was night and only security officers were there. He said he had forgotten something in his cabinet. Apparently, It`s suspicious to come there night but he didn`t care. When he turned on a light, he faced a mess in his cabinet. Every shelf was in chaos, some bottles and tools were on the floor. Something was broken. He almost saw how Nygma rushed committing that. And the shelf where Lucius kept drugs was open and horrible empty.

Fox swallowed hard. He couldn`t help it now. He checked possible traces that could throw suspicion on him and when he noticed nothing, he rode to the mansion.

He was angry. He was almost in rage. After all his efforts, after all his help, he did it. And he ruined his cabinet as though he wanted to destroy it intendedly. As if he mocked him for his kindness. It was stupid to think that he could fix Nygma, help the one like he. He didn`t want a treat, he wouldn`t never someone good. His place was behind bars.

The manor was outside the city so that he spent time to arrive there. It was three o'clock when he was there. The lock was still broke by his bullet. He went inside freely. It was pitch dark on the ground floor. He went upstairs. He was furious. Edward took all supply.

When he came in his room, the only one where was a lit, he saw Edward was on the floor almost unconscious, trembling and choking. He was still mad at him but no matter he couldn`t see a man suffering. He raised his head, put it on his lap and turned it to the side. He had a fever. His limbs was trembling and tensed. His lashes were flickering but his pupils were rolled. His heart so much raced that Lucius could feel it even not to touch his chest. His forehead was sweat and white, his hair was stuck to it.

Fox whispered quietly his name touching his hot pale cheek. “You don`t die like that you hear me. I don`t let it happen.” A seizure intensified and Fox held him tighter so that he wouldn't hit his head on the floor. “Edward, Ed, hold on.” He pacified him but really he tried to calm down himself. He didn`t have to die in his arms. It won`t to happen. He`ll cope. He was stronger than this. Everything will all right.

“Foxy? What are you doing here?” Edward woke up in his bed and recognized Lucius in an armchair next to bed. Next thing he realized was his hands was cuffed.

“You have woken up at last.” Fox smiled slightly and tiredly. “How are you?”

“Why you cuffed me?” Nygma cried at Fox and suddenly felt terrible weakness. His headache enhanced.

“You had an overdose.” Fox said earnestly and looked at Edward accusingly.

Edward paused. He vaguely remembered recent events. But when he was able to put together his memories, he got angry at Fox.

“You were lying me. You cheated me.” He was trying to free from cuff unsuccessfully.

“It was for your own good.” Fox pronounced calmly no matter how expressive Edward was.

Edward got that his threats couldn`t help him now. He tried to pacify himself.

“How long have I been out?” He attempted to say calmly but a rage still boiled in him.

“Two days. You woke up before but it looks like you weren't conscious. You vomited a lot.” Fox looked at him strictly.

Edward calmed down a little bit. He felt guilty for undeserved care the man.

“Thank you.” He looked away and uttered quietly.

“GCPD is starting to suspect me. I had to take a vacation to sit with you.” Fox got up and pour water into a glass. He handed the glass to Edward. Nygma took it and drunk thistly. He didn`t even guess how much he want to drink. “Thank you.” He said again and returned the glass to Fox.

“Possibly I should let you die when you overdosed.” Fox leaned back in his armchair. “I got that any my efforts were in vain. I can`t help the one who don`t want it.” He didn`t look at Edward. In his voice sound despair and tiredness. Edward felt sorry for him.

“I`m sorry but I can`t help it. Can you…” He felt a strange awkwardness in his natural question. “May you uncuff me?” He was almost polite.

Fox got up and threw a bunch of keys on a chest that stood on a table against the wall. “Find a case, at last.” He left the room without looking back.

Edward got up from bed and suddenly felt how his body hurt. He hobbled to the table and took a bunch of two keys.

It took a while to get free of the handcuffs. At last, he threw them at the floor, rubbing him wrists. It looks like he had convulsion when he was unconscious. His wrists were red and hurt.

Then he noticed the unfamiliar chest. Was Foxy leave it? He took the chest warily. Heavily. There was a lock. He tried another key that was on the bunch. It fitted.

When he opened the chest, he was amazed. There were a lot of little bottles that he could recognize anywhere.