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“It’s pride and it’s dishonesty, it’s arrogance and it’s entitlement!
You think that you are the cleverest person in the room, and that makes you dangerous.
How can I trust you with my patients? You didn’t leave me with any choice.”
Adam stood outside, shields cracking as he stood under the streetlight. Shields that got him through the delivery of the 25-week Van Hegan baby, shields that got him through Harry’s rejection, shields that got him through Mrs. Winnicka’s death, dinner with his mother, Mr. Lockhart’s betrayal, today’s 18 year old patient, the anonymous complaint… did they really though?
He focused on nothing but Tracy’s crushing words as he listened to her footsteps fade away into the night, maybe she was right. When isn’t she? When did he think about the patients before himself? Was it when he questioned non-reassuring Tracy for calling Mr. Lockhart for the 25-week cesarean? Called Greg during a delivery? Scared Erika Van Hegan out of her complaint? Maybe he really should be struck off…
No. “It’s dog eat dog in this world” and he was going to do whatever it took to stay afloat. Anyone in his place would do the same, right? He would keep those deteriorating shields up, survive through the party and pray for its end, then give Harry yet another apology after the infinite amount he’s already given him. Did he deserve this? Did he deserve him? Not now, he would not let himself feel right now, he could not let himself feel right now. He spun around the corner to return to the party and there he was: Harry slowing to a stop as he stepped out of the building, looking directly at Adam.
“For God’s sake, do you wanna try leaving me alone for five minutes?” Their gaze was interrupted by the sight of Non-reassuring Tracy and Ben pushing Shruti into a cab, to her drunken protests.
As soon as the cab drove off, both of them glanced around, finding themselves between the fiancés. “Let’s go back to the party, dear,” Tracy patted Ben’s back and led him back inside.
After a moment of silence, Harry slowly filled the wide distance between them, eyebrows scrunched together and eyes watering. Adam could practically hear the words, “What’s wrong with you?”
“Shruti…”
“Oh,” his nervous chuckle made him realize how tense his shoulders were, “Yea it looks like she had a bit too much to drink, I’m sure she’ll work herself out though.” He prayed to whoever that Harry didn’t hear him scold her a moment prior.
Harry pointed back to where the cab drove off, “She said something about a complaint? That you're gonna get… struck off?”
Oh. He could swear he could feel his heart stop at that moment, was he going into cardiac arrest? He would just let it happen at this point honestly. He felt the coldness of his blood contrasting the building warmth in his eyes, blinking quickly to prevent the tears from spilling. His lip began to quiver, almost mirroring his shields that he was fighting to keep up for the life of him, trembling and cracking and falling apart… “I fucked up, Harry.”
“Hey,” he grabbed Adam’s shoulders and focused into those now-pink eyes reflecting the golden light of the streetlight.
“I shouldn’t have sent her home, I shouldn’t have picked up that shift or done that operation without Mr. Lockhart, I shouldn’t have lied, I shouldn’t have talked to Erika, I- I shouldn’t have-”
“What the fuck, Adam? I thought you said you were good at your job.” “Adam…” Harry pulled him into a hug. And he couldn’t stop it anymore, he couldn’t hold it all together anymore, he felt those shields shatter into millions of pieces. He clung to the last person he had left (for how long?).
“I-I sent a patient home when I shouldn’t have, and her baby- her baby-” he let out a sob into Harry’s shoulder. “And then she filed a complaint, and I lied in the note, and I bullied her, and now I have a complaint to the fucking GMC and I’m gonna get struck off- I fucked up, I fucked up, I-” he tried to take in air but he couldn’t he couldn’t.
“Adam, hey, just breathe,” “You’re just an embarrassment aren’t you?” Harry rubbed Adam’s back as he suffocated in sobs. “It’s okay, you’re okay.”
Adam shook his head as he buried his face, “No, I’m not. None of this is.”
“You’re gonna get through this, we’re gonna get through this.”
“Haven’t you done enough shit for me? How do you even call this a relationship I’m barely even there, constantly canceling plans and letting you down. And now you know I’m a shit doctor, a shit person-”
“Hey,” Harry pulled away to look Adam in the eyes. “You’re mum talked to me tonight, she told me I better get used to being alone and that it’s only gonna get worse.”
Adam glanced at the shimmering puddles decorating the street.
“You know what I told her? I told her you’re perfect for me, and that’s all that matters. You know Adam, if I had a problem with you or your insane schedule and canceled plans I’d have left two years ago.”
Adam chuckled, that’s as long as they’ve been together.
“I’ve stuck with you and I’m gonna stay with you, why do you think I said yes?”
Adam smiled, “Well you didn’t at first.”
“Hey, that’s a pretty big question to ask over late-night telly.”
Both of them stood for a moment of pleasant silence, Adam giving a bittersweet smile.
Harry took in a breath and held Adam’s hands, “Adam, I’m sorry for what you’re going through.”
Adam took in a sharp breath and glanced up at Harry.
“I don’t care what happened, I still love you. We all fuck up sometimes, and I’m not gonna think any less of you.”
“But if I get struck off…” Adam tightened his grip on Harry’s hands intertwined with his.
“That doesn’t matter. We’re gonna get through this. You’re gonna be my husband Adam, we’re gonna go through life together. I know what I’m getting into,” the golden light emphasized Harry’s smile.
A sob escaped Adam, he felt both light and heavy at the same time, and he couldn’t stop the tears from cascading out. Harry cupped a hand against his face, thumb wiping away the tears from one eye.
“No more tears tonight, okay? Let’s save worrying for tomorrow. Tonight’s our engagement party, engagement party!” They both shared a smile. “Now, you’re gonna have some drinks, dance with me, and my mum-”
“Both of you? All three of us?”
Harry chuckled, “Separately, I don’t think I can bear to watch her outdance you.”
“You think she can outdance me?”
“Well you didn’t put on a very good show outside the club the other night.”
“Hey! Just you wait, I’ll show you!” Adam swatted a hand at him.
“I’ll take notes on what we need to fix before the wedding.”
Both of them laughed before Harry turned, still holding one of Adam’s hands.
“Come on fiancé, let’s go party.”