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This was stupid.
She knew it was stupid.
That didn’t stop her from raising a fist, and knocking on the door.
She stood there, waiting, for about 30 seconds before she shook her head, adjusted her gym bag and started to walk down the hall cursing to herself. That was when the door opened.
“Oi, Musa!” Riven’s voice called, causing the mind fairy to freeze where she stood, “Please tell me you’re not playing Nicky Nicky Ninedoors in the Specialist’s quarters.”
She turned around sheepishly, “No, actually something a lot dumber.”
“Well, I’m all ears,” Riven leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms, “Out with it then.”
Musa took a deep breath in, steeling herself, before looking up at Riven, “Could I crash here tonight?”
Riven paused, blinked, and then silently moved out of the doorway, gesturing for Musa to come into his dorm. “You know if Silva catches you here after curfew he’s gonna kill you right?” he said, closing the door after her.
“Oh like you never had Beatrix or Dane here late,” She said sarcastically as she nervously fiddled with the strap of the gym bag, and looked around the dorm. It was cleaner than she had expected.
“Never said I didn’t, now you gonna tell me what this is about?” Musa turned to see Riven leaning on the counter of the kitchenette, arms once again crossed, “I mean come on Musa, you had to know I was gonna have some questions. So,” he walked forward and held out a glass of water Musa hadn’t seen him pour, “What’s going on? What’s wrong with your room? Is something going on with the girls?”
She took the glass, and looked down into the water, “It’s too loud,” She whispered.
“It’s too loud? The fuck does that mean Muse, just ask the girls to shut up. Hell I’ll tell them to shut up if yo-”
“No Riven,” Musa looked up at him then, “It’s too loud.”
Riven paused, finally realizing what Musa meant, “Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh,” She looked away from him, she knew coming here was a bad idea.
“Okay, well,” Riven cleared his throat, and put his hands on his hips, “Sky’s been sleeping in the greenhouse lately, something about wanting to be closer to the training grounds, so I’ll take his bed in case he comes back and you can have mine.”
Musa looked up in surprise, “What?”
“Yeah, if Sky comes back I’ll just take the couch.”
“Y-you’re actually going to let me stay here?”
Riven shrugged, “Of course. You asked if you could, what did you expect?”
“I-I don’t know, that you would tell me to grow a pair and send me on my way.”
Riven laughed, as he reached over and grabbed her gym bag from off her shoulder, “Wow, I’m kind of tempted to be insulted by that. I am not one who says no to doing their friend a favour.” He walked behind the divider that separated the sleeping area from the living area.
Musa turned, following him with her gaze, “Oh so we’re friends now?”
Riven placed the gym bag on the edge of the bed, and shoved his hands into his pockets, “Well I’d like to think so yeah. Otherwise why else would I be spending my free time training you? Certainly not for shits and giggles.”
“I’d say that’s exactly why you’re training me,” Musa mumbled, taking a sip of water.
“Oh come off it pixie, you’re good and you know it.” Riven walked back over to her, “Now, the bathroom is right there. You’re more than welcome to take a shower if you want, and I’m pretty sure there’s some fresh toothbrushes in the cupboard under the sink.”
Musa set her water down, squinting at him, “Why do you have a bunch of fresh toothbrushes under your sink Riv? Been bringing home that many girls?”
“No,” Riven said with a soft laugh. “Bloom is,” he stopped, his smile fading slowly, “Was, into that whole environmentally conscious thing, so she put a bunch of those uh, those bamboo toothbrushes under there.”
The laughter from earlier was now gone, and they stood in silence for a moment, the weight of the loss of Bloom washing over them.
Musa was the first to speak, “You know it’s okay to miss her right?” She stepped closer to him, “I do, everyday.”
Riven cleared his throat, “I just don’t feel like I have the right to, you know. She wasn’t my friend.”
Musa paused, taken aback, “Yes she was.”
“No she wasn’t, not really. She was my best mate’s girlfriend, and we ran in the same circles. That’s all. She wasn’t my friend.” Riven sat down on the couch, elbows resting on his knees.
“Well,” Musa sat next to him, her leg brushing against his, “She thought of you as a friend. You may have gotten on her nerves sometimes,” Riven chuckled lightly, causing her to smile, “But that didn’t make her think any less of you. In fact, I think it just made her like you more.”
He looked at her, “Really?”
“Yeah. Your jackassery is almost endearing.”
Riven barked out a laugh, “Jackassery?”
Musa shoved his shoulder gently, “It’s the best I could come up with, okay?”
Riven beamed for a moment, before he softened, “I’m sorry. You came here to get away from all the emotional shit, and here I am adding onto it.”
Musa shrugged, “It’s okay. I don’t mind the emotional shit sometimes. It’s just with the girls…” She trailed off.
Riven bumped his shoulder against hers, “What?”
She took a deep breath, “There’s just so much. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, but it can just get so draining to be around them sometimes.”
Riven’s brow furrowed, “What do you mean?”
Musa turned to look at him, before adjusting herself on the couch, her whole body now facing him. “Okay. Well, they all miss Bloom right? But Stella is also mourning Beatrix, and has a bunch of anger, and other unresolved emotions about that, plus dealing with her mother and all her stupid politics. And then there’s Terra who is like a lovesick puppy cause of this new thing with Kat, but then she feels guilty because she’s happy even though she just lost one of her best friends, and so now she just keeps yo-yoing between this happy-guilty-sad triangle she’s gotten herself into. And Flora’s in a ton of pain because of what happened with the scrapers, and she’s trying to hide it, but she’s just in this excruciating agony all of the time. And Aisha just keeps blaming herself, because she thinks if she had figured out who Grey actually was from the beginning, then maybe we could have stopped Sebastian sooner, and Bloom would still be here. And it’s just all of these emotions, and feelings all the time, and I feel like my head is about to explode and I am just so damn tired, because it’s all so fucking loud!”
“Woah, okay,” Riven grabbed Musa’s hands, bringing them down into her lap, “Breathe Muse, breathe. You’re getting real worked up,” He squeezed her hands, “Just take a couple deep breaths for me, okay? In and out,” Riven took in a deep breath, and nodded for her to follow, “In and out.”
Musa followed his lead for a minute, calming her breathing, “God, I am so sorry. I must sound so pathetic right now.”
“No, no you don’t. Honestly I think it’s completely warranted. I mean come on Musa, when was the last time you got to feel your own emotions?”
Musa laughed dryly. “This afternoon, at training,” She admitted with a sheepish smile.
“Ah,” Riven nodded, “So is that why you wanted to up your training to twice a day? So you have an excuse to wear those damn cuffs.”
“Maybe? It’s the only time I get to actually think.”
Riven moved closer to her, “Musa, there has got to be a better way. I’ve seen the marks they leave on your wrists. I know those things are hurting you.”
Musa shook her head, “I can handle a little pain.”
“It’s not just a little pain Muse! You think I don’t see you wince everytime you put those damn things on, or take them off? You think I haven’t noticed you massaging your wrists when you think no one is looking? Or what about the slave you keep in your gym bag,” He scoffed, “Come on Musa, I’m not blind, I do notice these things”
Musa smiled lightly, “Well, you seem to be the only one who does,” she muttered.
Riven paused, “Musa. You know the girls love you right?”
She nodded, quickly wiping away a stray tear, “Yeah, I know. It’s just too much sometimes, you know?”
“Yeah,” Riven said, “Yeah, I do.” Despite himself, Riven pulled Musa into his chest.
The silence washed over them again. But unlike before where the silence was cold and heavy with loss and heartache, this silence was warm and light with understanding and comfort. They sat like that for a while, neither knows how long. Could have been a minute, could have been an hour, they didn’t care. They just existed, in this perfect clandestine moment that neither one ever thought they would get, or deserve.
Neither one knows who moved first, but eventually Riven broke the silence. “Why don’t you go get that shower, and I’ll put on a movie or something yeah? I’ve got some beer in the fridge, we can just chill. No more emotional stuff. Just pj’s and movies.”
Musa lifted her head, “About that.”
Riven laughed, “You don’t have anything to sleep in do you?”
“I honestly didn’t even think you’d let me in the door.”
“Okay, okay. I think I’ve got some sweatpants and an old t-shirt you can borrow. But you’re bringing your own shit next time,” Riven stood up and started rifling through his drawers.
Musa followed him, “Next time?”
Riven turned to her, clothes in hand, “If you ever need a place to go to, to get away from the girls, you can come here, okay? Sky won’t mind, and I’d rather you come here than end up sleeping in the cafeteria or something stupid. Now,” He handed her the clothes, “You can use my shampoo and stuff if you need. It’s all in the cabinet above the toilet,” He leaned forward, and whispered, “Sky is the one who uses the 2-in-1 shit.”
Musa pulled the sweats close to her chest, hugging them like they were the most precious thing in the world, “Thanks Riv.”
Riven watched her as she walked into the bathroom, gently closing the door behind her. He stood silent for a moment, before he shook his head as if to clear it. “Get a hold of yourself mate,” He whispered to himself, “She’s just a friend.”
In the bathroom, Musa was leaning against the door trying to calm herself. “Get a hold of yourself girl,” She whispered, “He’s just a friend.”
- - - - - - - -
Twenty minutes later Musa emerged from the bathroom, barefoot and hair wet. “I didn’t know Old Spice had shampoo and conditioner,” she said, absentmindedly towel drying her hair.
Something about seeing Musa in his old t-shirt and sweats, made Riven’s mouth go dry. He cleared his throat “Uh, yeah. They’re uh, they’re pretty good.”
“Yeah, and they’re not too smelly either. I half expected you to be one of those Axe body spray kind of guys.”
Riven winced, “Oh god no!” He pulled two bottles of beer out of the fridge, and quickly popped off the caps. “I don’t care what anyone says, that shit smells like actual ass.”
Musa laughed, throwing the now damp towel into a nearby hamper, “Yeah, and besides that, they set off my allergies. I once had a friend back home who practically bathed in the stuff. I could never stop sneezing around him. Thanks,” She said as Riven handed her the beer. Not looking at the label she took a quick pull from the bottle. Her brow furrowed, and she glanced at the bottle, “Is this the same stout you got for me at the pub?” She asked.
“Yeah, it’s actually one of my favourites.” Riven sat on the couch, quickly throwing his feet up on the small coffee table in the room, “I try and keep a few bottles on hand when I can. Surprised you could tell.”
Musa took another sip, “Mm, it’s the nutty flavour, gave it away. So,” She sat down next to him, “What movie did you pick, and did you make popcorn?”
“I’m not telling you, and do you think I’m an animal? Of course I made popcorn, it’s just cooling off.”
Musa walked over to the kitchen, grabbing the bowl of popcorn, “What do you mean you’re not telling me?”
“Trust me, you won't want to watch it if I tell you.”
“What movie did you pick, Cannibal Holocaust?” She set the popcorn down on the table, pushing Riven’s feet off in the process, “Get your feet away from the food.”
Riven laughed, “No, not that bad. Although it is pretty bad.” He pressed play on the remote, and the bouncy theme music started.
"P.T. Barnum said it so long ago, there’s one born every minute don’t you know (killer klowns)"
“Killer Klowns from Outer Space?” Musa gawked at the screen.
Riven stifled a laugh, “Yep.”
Musa turned to look at him, “Riven, have I ever told you that I am terrified of clowns!” She whacked him on the shoulder, just causing Riven to laugh more as he started blocking her attacks.
“That’s why I didn’t tell you!” He giggled, actually giggled, “Musa, trust me,” He said, when she finally stopped hitting him, “These things are so over the top, they don’t even look like real clowns. People get turned into popcorn!”
Musa sighed, “I’m gonna need more beer for this,” she stood up and made her way back over to the kitchenette.
“You owe me!” Riven called after her.
Musa laughed, as she reached into the fridge, “What happened to doing a favour for a friend?” She called over her shoulder.
“Favours don’t involve said friend drinking all my beer,” Riven laughed, slowly tapping his foot to the beat of the song playing from the tv.
“You are ridiculous,” Musa laughed. “Here you arsehole,” she handed him the second bottle of beer that she had grabbed from the fridge.
“Thanks. Cheers,” Riven held up his bottle to her.
Musa lifted hers up in return, “To what?”
He thought for a moment, “To stupid emotional bullshit?”
Musa laughed for what felt like the hundredth time that night, “To stupid emotional bullshit.” She tapped her bottle against his with a smile, and they both took a big sip.
Riven glanced at her, “You know you’re gonna figure it out right? How to block it all out?”
Musa fiddled with the lip of the bottle, “I guess. It was a lot easier when Sam was here, I was really able to focus on his frequency.”
Riven turned towards her now, “His frequency?”
Musa looked down with a smile, “It’s something Terra said once. It’s so stupid.”
“I’m listening.”
Musa sat up, holding the beer on her lap, “You know how I’m kind of obsessed with music?”
“I don’t think I've ever seen you go anywhere without those headphones of yours.”
“Yeah, well there was this one time when Bloom was being chased by a burned one-”
“What?” Riven sat at full attention now.
“Relax, it was a long time ago,” She placated. “Anyway, I was having a hard time pinpointing where Bloom was with my magic. Terra told me to think of everyone’s feelings as if it was a song, or a melody, and I just had to listen for a specific one. I eventually started thinking of it all as like a radio, and when I focus on someone specific, it’s like I’m...”
“Dialling into their frequency,” Riven finished.
Musa nodded, “Exactly.” She took a quick sip of her beer, “I could always find Sam’s frequency, even before I really knew him. I used to think it was because he was it, you know? But now,” Musa started playing with the bottle lip again, staring down at it as if the bottle would give her all the answers, “Now I just think it’s because he was what I needed at the time.”
They were silent for a moment, the only sound coming from the television a few feet in front of them. Riven was the first to speak, “What’s my frequency sound like?”
Musa looked up at him then. She gazed at him quietly, the familiar purple haze overtaking her normally brown eyes, “It’s like,” she laughed softly, “Like someone humming a tune under their breath.” Her eyes were searching, “Like when you hear that one song you almost forgot that you knew. It’s oddly comforting. Nostalgic, and yet new and unfamiliar. You just can’t help but listen,” She whispered the last part. She blinked quickly, and the forest brown eyes that Riven had unknowingly become accustomed to returned. “I’m so sorry, that must sound so weird,” she said as she leaned back from him. She hadn’t even realized she started leaning towards him.
“No, no, it doesn’t.” Riven placed a gentle hand on her knee. Why was she constantly doubting herself? Berating herself? Who had once told this magnificent person that the things she said, the beauty she magically saw in everyone, sounded stupid? He wanted nothing more than to take all of her doubts away, “Actually, I think that that is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me,” he paused for a moment, “Do you ever wonder what your frequency sounds like?”
Musa shrugged, “Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.” She took another sip of her beer. She looked over at him, “What do you think it would sound like?”.
“What?” He asked, taken aback.
“What do you think my frequency would sound like?” She poked his knee, “Come on Riv, we’ve known each other long enough now. You’ve quite literally carried me for miles. What do you think my frequency would sound like?”
Riven was silent for a moment, as he took a long sip of his drink, and just stared at her. For a moment Musa wasn’t really sure he was going to say anything, until he took a deep breath and said, “Like a vinyl record of an old song being played in another room. There’s this grace, and elegance to the sound,” He paused, tilting his head, “But it’s distant, faraway even. So you just have to keep looking for it, search every room, in the hopes that you can find where that beautiful melody is coming from.”
Musa was silent, holding her breath, “What happens when you find it?” She breathed out.
Riven smiled, “Magic.”
Musa blinked, and just stared at the boy in front of her as if she was seeing him for the first time. Every assumption she had once had about him faded, pulled away from the image of the person she now knew. Where had that come from? Dare she ask?
“Doesn’t sound so stupid when someone else says it, does it?” He whispered, leaning into her space.
He looked up at her, and Musa could have sworn she saw his gaze catch on her lips.
Musa shook her head. “No,” she whispered, “No it doesn’t.” She took a deep breath in, “Thank you Riv. I…I needed that.”
Riven smiled as he leaned back into the couch, and Musa found herself missing the warmth of his proximity. “Yeah, well, I’ve always had a knack for making people feel good,” He cracked a small smile as he sipped from his beer.
Musa laughed, “Oh!” She shoved his shoulder, “You just completely ruined it! Why did you have to go back to your-”
“Jackassery?” He joked.
“Shut up!” She shoved his shoulder again, and turned to grab the forgotten popcorn from the coffee table. Setting it in the middle of her crossed legs, Musa scooched closer towards him, “Now we’ve missed the first half hour of this stupid movie, so you’re gonna have to catch me up on it.”
They spent the rest of the night like that. Laughing at the movie, each other, and just enjoying the company of the person next to them. After their third or fourth beer each, and part way through their second movie, the empty popcorn bowl now resting on the floor, Musa laid her head onto Riven’s lap and drifted off to sleep.
Riven gazed down at the sleeping fairy, and gently carded his fingers through her deep brown hair. Moving slowly so as not to jostle her, Riven grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and gently draped it over her shoulders. Musa shifted lightly, snuggling deeper into Riven’s leg. He smiled, and placed a light kiss into her hair. “Goodnight pixie,” He whispered, before pulling back and falling asleep himself.
And although she woke up with a crick in her neck the next morning, it was the best sleep Musa had had in a long time.