Work Text:
“Hyung?”
In the middle of the night, Sunoo awoke. He found Heeseung sitting alone in the living room. It was dark, the dim glow of the moonlight seeping through the curtains.
“What’s going on?” he asked, approaching closer to Heeseung, but Heeseung remained still, back facing to Sunoo.
“Hyung…” Sunoo pleaded, inching his arm closer to touch Heeseung.
Heeseung shrugged him away. “Sunoo, please,” he tsked, glancing at Sunoo only to look away from him immediately. “I can’t do this right now.”
Sunoo was startled at this reaction. This scene, the atmosphere of the room, Heeseung’s unusual behavior– it all felt like a strange, vivid dream that for a second Sunoo felt like he was watching himself. He was struck by the decisive sensation that, in this moment, Heeseung felt like a stranger. Sunoo’s lips trembled. “Hyung, you know you can talk to me…”
* * *
Sunoo woke with a heavy head and a disorienting feeling, like the feeling you get after you take a long nap and have no idea what day of the week it was. He realized that the sounds of the members entering the room woke him up, and they turned on the light in the room. The bright fluorescent light felt blinding to Sunoo. He had to squint to see Jungwon standing beside his bed.
“Sunoo-ya,” Jungwon said, leaning forward with his hands on his knees to look closely at Sunoo. “I know you’re not feeling well but you still need to eat. All of us have eaten except for you.”
Sunoo strained and sat up with a lot of effort, the headache felt worse when he’s not lying down.
“Should I prepare the food so you can eat here?” Jungwon offered.
Sunoo frowned and rubbed his fingers against his forehead to soothe the pressure. He used one hand to gesture at Jungwon. “No, it’s okay,” he answered, insisting that it wouldn’t be necessary, not wanting to inconvenience Jungwon. “I’ll go eat outside.”
Sunoo stood up, staggering and making his way outside the door. He shrugged off the attention and concern of Niki and Sunghoon who told him, You look so pale, Maybe you should just lie down , insisting that he’s fine. The hallway was already dim, because they’re used to turning off the lights once the members have had dinner and are ready to turn into their respective rooms. Sunoo could only see the warm, soft light escaping the kitchen into the hallway.
Socked feet pattered against the wooden floors. While walking, Sunoo knew for sure how puffy his face looked. His hands felt clammy against the cold air; he hid them inside the length of the sweater he wore.
Sunoo stopped in his tracks the moment he entered the kitchen. The haze in his mind from the sleep vanished. Reality anchored him when he saw Heeseung sitting on the dining table, a single cup in front of him.
“Hey,” Heeseung’s clear voice greeted him first. He was in baggy clothes, his hair messy and unstyled. It created such a casual image that it was strange to Sunoo. “You should eat.”
For a second Sunoo saw himself returning to his room, abandoning Heeseung and making Jungwon bring his dinner. But he swallowed his nerves; he was not a coward and he would not back away. He was there just to eat and it just so happened that Heeseung was still there. It was not a big deal.
Sunoo took his utensils and sat down across from Heeseung. It was strange for Sunoo to be alone together with Heeseung like this again. They managed their situation well enough when the members were there, or at least one other person was there, because they can default to the group, behaving as they normally would with the others. But left alone like this, devoid of any clear context, they were faced with the decision on how to behave around each other again. At least to Sunoo, behaving as usual was not an option, because it would mean the silence between them all this time did not have any effect on them, which was untrue to Sunoo.
Even though being close to him was strange, for some reason Sunoo still felt some deference, thinking that it would be even stranger and impolite if he sat far from Heeseung when there were just two people in the kitchen like this. As he sat, Sunoo cleared his throat from a phantom itch.
Sunoo was acutely aware of Heeseung’s presence in front of him. He could almost draw the shape of his presence. Then it occurred to him: Heeseung was also nervous. His fingers tapped against the surface of the table. He was sitting straight, and not relaxing or slouching on a chair like he normally would. Even if Sunoo looked down to avoid Heeseung’s eyes, he knew Heeseung was equally tense to be with him.
Sunoo was about to extend his arms to pick up some food from the spread on the table, but before he could do so, Heeseung leaned towards him and placed the back of his hand on Sunoo’s forehead.
“You have a fever, Sunoo,” he said, still resting his hand on Sunoo’s forehead and angling it in different ways, as if to have a better read of Sunoo’s body temperature.
Sunoo’s stomach flipped at the sudden proximity. His hands paused awkwardly while holding his chopsticks. If Heeseung felt the heat of Sunoo’s forehead, Sunoo felt the warmth of Heeseung’s hand on him.
“I know, Hyung,” Sunoo responded when Heeseung finally retracted his hand. He acted nonchalant as if Heeseung’s touch did not affect him, even though he could feel the negative space where Heeseung’s hand was. “But I’m fine.” Sunoo finally began to eat.
If he was honest, Sunoo did not have much appetite that night, both from the sickness and from his… situation, or whatever it was that he had with Heeseung. As he ate, the kitchen was deafeningly silent, the only sound being the clank of the chopsticks Sunoo used. He was so conscious of every bite of food he took, knowing that Heeseung was watching him. Sunoo kept waiting for the moment where Heeseung’s chair would move and he would leave. To Sunoo’s surprise, it never happened.
When Sunoo almost finished his food, Heeseung spoke up: “Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?” He asked with a clear voice, not betraying any of the nerves Sunoo knew he felt.
Sunoo thought he heard wrong. “Hyung?” He looked up, finally meeting Heeseung’s eyes.
“You need to rest, and I know your roommates like to stay up a little late. I just thought it would be best if you could rest quietly,” he explained, as smooth as someone reading from a rehearsed script, his voice laced with a bit of concern.
Sunoo felt like such a hypocrite, that just now he wanted to flee from Heeseung’s presence, yet there was no conceivable universe where he would ever deny this offer from Heeseung. He was careful to not let his hopes up that this would suddenly clear all the problems between them, but he could not help the tug in his chest at the thought. The sweet intimacy of being in Heeseung’s room and sleeping alongside him.
And for whatever reason, this felt important. Not just an offer that one would already forget the next day. Sunoo knew it was such a big thing for Heeseung to let him in, literally and metaphorically.
Sunoo pursed his lips. “Okay, Hyung,” he relented with more than a little misgiving.
Heeseung’s posture relaxed, as if a weight was lifted from his shoulders. “Good. I’ll tell the others and grab your blanket and pillow. Come whenever you’re ready to sleep.”
* * *
Heeseung’s bed was not too large, but it was not small either. Sunoo was surprised that when he lied down, most of his nerves had died, especially knowing that there is enough space for Heeseung to sleep next to him without them having to squish together. A calm sleepiness blanketed him, yet he was reluctant to doze off just yet. He lied on his back, settled himself into his blankets and observed the room. It was dark; Heeseung had turned off the lights because he knew they hurt Sunoo’s eyes – the only lights being the desk and bedside lamps – but he could still make out the outlines of his surroundings.
To say that it was strange for Sunoo to be in Heeseung’s room again would be an understatement. It felt like visiting a friend’s house for the first time; like you were intruding but at the same time it felt strangely familiar. The jackets that Heeseung frequently wears hang on the door, stacks of letters from fans in the bottom drawer of a cupboard that almost spills out, and a framed picture of him and his family (his older brother looked so much like him) on the bedside table. Sunoo thought that not much has changed since he was last here, even though it was quite a while ago. Heeseung never bothered to move things around too much.
It was almost overwhelming to be surrounded by so much Heeseung. Even the scent of Heeseung’s ambery vanilla perfume could be smelt in this bed.
Sunoo turned over to his side where his sight landed on Heeseung himself. Heeseung had not slept or lied down yet, he was sitting, crouched over his desk, concentration painted all over his face. The warm glow of the desk lamp illuminated his features. Those almond eyes, his small mouth, the messy, wavy hair, his slender arms as he leans his weight against the surface of the desk.
Sunoo watched as Heeseung’s eyebrows furrowed in concentration, hands working on a pen and a notebook. He must have been writing a song. Sunoo’s chest filled with warmth at the sight of Heeseung working so hard on his own projects even after spending the whole day practicing. And that Sunoo could watch as Heeseung does such a personal thing, it was so familiar and intimate. How could Heeseung be so endearing? Sunoo’s fingers ached to touch him, he wished Heeseung sat nearer so maybe he could hold his hand while Heeseung worked.
But then, just as quickly as Sunoo felt warmth for Heeseung, he was hit by the suffocating realization that their relationship had changed to be like this. Maybe if they were in this scenario at another time, Sunoo would feel comfortable enough to tease Heeseung about his face that looked so serious, and Heeseung would laugh and maybe even show him the lyrics he wrote. But in this one, Heeseung sits alone and Sunoo could only admire him from afar. Never quite able to close the distance between them.
Despite his unsteady heart, Sunoo fell asleep in the midst of watching Heeseung.
* * *
Sunoo stood awkwardly. Not knowing how to talk to Heeseung when he’s like this.
Heeseung glanced at him from where he sat. “We can’t do this anymore, Sunoo.”
“What are you saying, Hyung?” Anxiety rose in Sunoo’s stomach.
Heeseung stared at the floor. “I told you, I can’t do this right now. I—” he paused, as if contemplating his words briefly. “ We can’t be like this anymore. We’re not trainees anymore, Sunoo. You can’t keep clinging to me like this–
“You need to grow up.”
Sunoo's stomach dropped in disappointment. “I’m not a child, Hyung. You know that.”
Heeseung sighs exasperatedly. He looked away, a distant look in his eyes.
“You should go back to bed, Sunoo.”
* * *
Sunoo stirred upon feeling the bed dip next to him. It kept moving, adjusting to the weight of another body settling down next to him.
It was Heeseung.
Although Sunoo was still lying down in the same position – facing outwards, his back to Heeseung, he was still keenly aware of the temperature change after Heeseung settled into the sheets.
It was completely dark, Heeseung having turned off the desk lamp, but Sunoo still shut his eyes tightly, afraid that Heeseung would somehow catch him. He almost anticipates Heeseung’s arm to drape and settle over his waist, but even as Heeseung stilled, it did not happen. He only shifted and inched closer to Sunoo; close enough for Sunoo to feel his breathing on his nape, smell the citrusy scent of his body wash.
All of a sudden, Sunoo went from feeling cold to feeling hot. The sheets around him constricted him. His legs ached, almost like they were tingling.
Sunoo tossed the sheets from his body and turned around, trying to find comfort and relieve the restlessness in his lower body. He quickly closed his eyes when he faced Heeseung, so he did not have to bear the sight of Heeseung so close. Yet, he was not quite able to find the right position or the comfort he had before.
Heeseung sat up on his elbow. He turned on the bedside lamp with a click. “Hey, hey,” he whispered. “What’s wrong?”
Sunoo could not help but be honest, he had no energy to keep up his façade. “Can’t sleep, Hyung. My legs are aching.”
Heeseung did not respond. He simply climbed out of the bed and moved to sit at the end of the bed. Before Sunoo could say anything or realize what was happening, he held Sunoo’s calves gently and began massaging.
Sunoo did not even have the chance to protest or express his surprise. Heeseung had already begun to massage his leg; gently, though the pressure he applied was still relieving. All of this was almost unbearable to Sunoo. The weight of Heeseung’s body creating a dip in the foot of the bed, the warmth of Heeseung’s lap searing against Sunoo’s feet as he adjusted their position so he could massage Sunoo more easily, his soft, slender fingers working on his body. The intimacy of it all – how shocking it was compared to the distance that Heeseung maintained between them. It felt unreal even as it happened, like a distant dream that Sunoo could barely remember. He could not tell what was worse: being sick or being taken care of by Heeseung like this. It was truly unbearable that Sunoo could cry.
“Is this okay?” Heeseung asked with his low voice. Sunoo felt frustrated at how Heeseung could be so nonchalant.
“Yeah,” Sunoo answered, despite the tightening in his throat.
They stayed like that for a while, in the dark, in silence.
Sunoo stared at the black ceiling, trying to contain his feelings that are threatening to spill, for the object of his affection that is right in front of him. It was cruel, because there was no way that Sunoo could stop the words that threatened to spill from his lips.
His mouth quivered. “Heeseung hyung?”
“Yes?”
Sunoo was already swiping the tear that rolled down his eye. “Do you think it’s fair to me, Hyung?” his voice came out raspy. He coughed, trying to clear it up but to no avail. “Is it fair that you can just say whatever you want to me, and pretend like it never happened and act close to me again like this?”
Heeseung’s hands stopped moving. He shifted on the bed again, to move so he faced and sat next to Sunoo. “Sunoo-ya…” he started, his hand coming closer to Sunoo, instinctually trying to comfort him.
Sunoo looked away and ignored him. “No, I need you to answer me,” Sunoo said resolutely.
“Look at me,” Heeseung said in a voice that Sunoo could not protest.
Sunoo turned. Vulnerability was etched all over Heeseung’s face. In that moment, Sunoo began to understand that the silence between them was not without meaning to Heeseung. His expression was an articulation of his confusion, giving the impression that he still had not quite figured out the right thing to say to Sunoo when asked to confront their situation.
Seeing Heeseung like this made Sunoo want to cry even more. And he must have, because Heeseung’s thumb came up to his cheek, wiping away a tear.
“I was – I still am, really struggling with, you know, our current lives, Sunoo. Being an idol and everything that means. I thought that debuting was the hardest thing I would do. But all of this, the packed schedules, the constant monitoring and managing of what we do… Sometimes it’s too much for me to wrap my head around,” he said, and as he said it he kept tripping on his words, speaking too fast. His hand came up to Sunoo’s cheek, stroking lightly.
“I’ve just been trying to figure out who I am in the middle of all this… I hope you can understand, baby,” Heeseung could not help how natural it was to slip in that endearment when he talks to Sunoo.
Sunoo stared at Heeseung with the look of a child who lost their most precious belonging. “But does that mean you have to keep staying away from me?”
Heeseung sighed, preparing to admit something he did not want to. He carded his fingers through Sunoo’s hair. “You just remind me so much of our trainee days, baby. When I see you, I can’t help but see ourselves back then; how I was back then. And I hate remembering how clueless I was. I just see how pathetic I was back then, trying so hard just to debut.”
Sunoo sobbed. He moved closer and pressed his face into Heeseung’s chest. “You can’t do that to me again, Hyung. That’s unfair to me,” Sunoo repeated in a muffled voice.
“I know. I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I took it out on you when you had nothing to do with this. I didn’t know what to say to you,” Heeseung rubbed large, soothing circles on Sunoo’s back. “And I’m sorry for what I said to you, Sunoo. I was emotional. I did not mean any of it. If I could take back my words, I would.”
Sunoo let out the cries that kept rising from his chest. In his heart, he forgave Heeseung. The truth was, he could understand and forgive anything, if it was Heeseung.
Heeseung comforted him by rubbing his back, petting his hair. Sunoo only realized that he was cuddling with Heeseung when his cries calmed down. The nerves and heightened emotions were replaced by the pleasantness of Heeseung’s hug. This was really all Sunoo asked for. He felt, once again, the physical tumult that Heeseung’s touch gave him, that he had missed so much, how even a touch from Heeseung made everything feel suddenly alright.
Heeseung kept holding Sunoo close even when he stopped crying. Sunoo wasn’t sure whether Heeseung was still awake.
“You weren’t pathetic, Hyung,” Sunoo said quietly.
“Hm?”
“You weren’t pathetic when we were trainees. I adored you even since back then,” Sunoo said, even though he knew that Heeseung had a hard time believing him when he said things like this. He shifted and nuzzled his nose into the crook of Heeseung’s neck. “Don’t say things like that about yourself.”
Heeseung chuckled weakly. “Thank you for saying that baby.” His chest rose and fell against Sunoo.
Sunoo closed his eyes. He felt the tears drying on his cheeks. He sighed, savoring the sensation of Heeseung’s body against his. In his half-asleep state, Sunoo said, sincerely, “I hope the next time you feel like this, you can tell me. You know that you have me, Hyung. Even if I may not fully understand what you’re going through, I can listen to you.”
Heeseung hummed in acquiescence. He thumbed the dip between Sunoo’s waist and back. “I’ll try, baby. I promise I will.”
When it seemed like Sunoo had fallen asleep, Heeseung continued, whispering in his ear: “And I hope you will tell me when you get sick so I can take care of you like this,” with a playful tone.
Sunoo jerked his head and stared at Heeseung, his eyelids barely open. He shook his head in annoyance. “We were in a fight, what was I supposed to say?” he protested.
“I know, baby. I know. I was just teasing you. It’s a good thing you were sick cause it gave me an excuse to take care of you,” Heeseung smiled widely, his eyes crinkled in the edges when he did so. It was Sunoo’s favorite smile to see. Even though Sunoo rolled his eyes at Heeseung’s words, he could not help the grin that formed on his lips. He loved Heeseung, he loved his stupid smile, he loved his even more stupid humor. It was an indescribably huge relief to Sunoo that they could be like this again.
Heeseung held the back of Sunoo’s head tenderly. “Now go to sleep, alright? Did you forget you’re sick?”
Sunoo made an annoyed sound, but he settled back in Heeseung’s arms. With his worries and restlessness resolved, and back in Heeseung’s arms, he fell into slumber easily.
Later, when he thought about this night they spent together, Sunoo understood that when Heeseung asked him to sleep in the same room, when he took care of Sunoo – it was all Heeseung’s convoluted way for them to make up. He was not like Sunoo, who could speak his heart and confess his vulnerabilities. Speaking about his emotions did not come naturally to Heeseung; after all, his emotional outburst is what made them fight in the first place. He needed Sunoo to be there and help him, even though it seemed like Heeseung was the one helping him.
The longer they were together, the more that Sunoo understood that Heeseung was not an easy person to be in a relationship with. To Heeseung, vulnerabilities were to be hidden, only to be examined and improved upon until it was gone. Having flaws shamed him and made him want to isolate from his loved ones. But Sunoo knew that was not good for him, and he was prepared to be there for Heeseung. Whatever it took, for them to stay together.