Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

February 1997

Jack sat at the briefing table, fighting the urge to literally twiddle his thumbs. Eager as he was to return to Abydos, he had forgotten the bureaucratic nonsense required before he could do so. He was tired, hungry, and cranky. Instead of observing the cosmos and drinking beer, he had been dragged into this cramped little room miles underground. He had been interrogated and threatened about his role on the Abydos mission and why he left Dr. Jackson behind. Jack would go through it all if he was able to go through the Stargate again, but for crying out loud, couldn’t they get a move on.

Delays aside, he thought General Hammond was an interesting pick for the base. Much better than West, certainly, who had always been a little slimy. From what he’d seen so far and the rumours he’d heard while in service, Hammond was a reasonable man, hopefully willing to overlook his creative report writing and rescue Daniel.

He jerked to attention when Samuels announced Hammond’s entrance. His glimpse of Kawalsky and Ferretti earlier had given him hope that they would be the sum of the team. He had served with them two years ago, and having the same team for the return to Abydos felt somehow fitting. Like him, they had been charmed by the Abydonians. Jack knew he could trust the two of them to watch his back both off-world and on. But as General Hammond asked, “Where’s Captain Carter?” Jack felt a ball of dread settle into his stomach.

Without really thinking about it, Jack heard himself ask, “Carter?” He hoped against hope that this Captain Carter would be one of the many in the Air Force he didn’t know. He wasn’t eager to have a captain on his team - too young, untested by the Stargate, and certainly full of questions. There was no way that the Captain Carter he knew would be stuck under a mountain in Colorado. Certainly, she would be pushing paper somewhere in the bowels of the Pentagon instead, calculating the speed of light and distance to the moon and whatever it was that scientists did at work. Not that he kept track of her current posting or anything. He made a point to avoid anything and anyone with whom she may have been passingly familiar.

“I’m assigning Sam Carter to this mission,” said General Hammond. Jack felt himself respond on autopilot as the dread lodged itself firmly in his gut. His mind raced with excuses. Sam was typically a man’s name. No way a by-the-book General would call someone a nickname. He was one of at least two Jack O’Neills in the Air Force alone, so Hammond had to be referring to someone else.

Time seemed to slow as he heard a woman’s voice from the doorway. “She is transferring from the Pentagon.”

There she was, looking as stunning as she had when they first met. Captain Samantha Carter, his wife.

****

Jack remembered his first glimpse of Sam Carter. She’d opened her front door and he’d seen nervousness and anger flash in her eyes - and something else that was gone too quickly for him to determine its cause. She was dressed casually, but even in sweats and slippers with a scowl on her face, there was something breath-taking about her.

He could tell she was as displeased as he was with the entire situation, but would act the part to save herself. Not that the Air Force would have let her off the hook if she wasn’t going to play along. If he wasn’t here, he would have been in a conspicuous black government vehicle across the road. 

He had no idea why he’d been chosen as the primary for her protection detail. He wasn’t unfamiliar with the ins and outs of keeping someone safe, but it also had never been a particular duty of his. She wasn’t exactly well known, and their situation was highly unusual. The Air Force didn’t typically order their officers to marry each other. 

He’d made many enemies both inside and outside the Air Force in his years of service. It wasn’t beyond the realm of possibility for one of them to have chosen him for the chance to kick him when he was down by giving him this assignment to remind him of the family he’d lost.

And here she was, his Air Force mandated wife, standing in front of him once again.

****

General Hammond held him back after the briefing. Jack followed him into his office, feeling a little like a dog called to heel, but he hadn’t even done anything yet. Well, not quite. Hammond wasn’t thrilled about his creative writing skills on the Abydos mission report, so he could well be giving him another dressing down about that. Jack already knew that Hammond was more than willing to call his bluff after he had threatened to nuke Abydos yesterday.

As the general sat behind his desk, Jack came to attention. Hammond gestured tiredly at him and said, “Sit down, Colonel. There’s no need to stand on ceremony for this conversation.”

Jack was a little surprised by the general’s causal attitude when he was expecting to be told off for his myriad of sins, but sat regardless. Hammond eyed him speculatively from the other side of the desk. Jack tried not to fidget.

“Now, Colonel O’Neill, I know you would like to assemble your own team, and I would have liked to give you that opportunity. However, I have orders just like you, and those orders put Captain Carter on your team. Regardless of how she came to be here, she is exceptionally well-equipped for this role. If this is going to be an issue, I need to know now.”

Jack tensed slightly. What exactly was the general insinuating? He had made it clear he wasn’t a fan of scientists, but he would put up with it. Did he think that because Captain Carter was a woman, he would treat her differently? Jack was firmly of the opinion that male or female didn’t matter, as long as they could prove their worth in the field.

Or…did the general know of their marriage? He had checked before, and although it was on file with the Air Force, it was strangely confidential. It had never been brought up before by one of his superior officers (although he had retired pretty quickly after the joyous event so said superior officers were never an issue). He had no idea how deep the general had probed.

“No, General, I think we’ll work out just fine.” The general gave him another stern look, and Jack added hastily, “Look, I don’t know what showed up when you dug up our files, but we were married by the Air Force in 1994. As far as I know, we’ve been prohibited from divorcing. We haven’t seen each other in two years. Captain Carter is no different to me than any other subordinate officer.

Hammond nodded, accepting Jack’s rendition of the facts, although not looking very convinced. “And your little display in the briefing room just now?”

Jack sighed. “Entirely unintentional. I was simply surprised to see her. I’m sure she’ll be an asset in the field.” He wasn’t sure he entirely believed what he’d just said, but he had felt bad about his comments. He knew very well that she was fully trained and bright, but off-world missions brought about complications that were impossible to predict. But it wasn't like poking at her would endear him to his wife at their first reunion. Awkward marital relationship or not, he had been impressed at her composure. Even when her life had been at stake, she was cool and efficient.  He truly hadn’t meant to undermine her - he was so shocked that she would appear in front of him like that, like an apparition or fever dream.

Although he didn’t know her as well as a husband should, Jack knew she was already kicking herself for that comment on reproductive organs. She had been clear during their marriage that she would take no complaints about her gender and would willingly demonstrate her skills if he doubted her. It had made him chuckle internally. She hadn’t let her sense of humour out much while they had lived together, but it wouldn’t have done to laugh in the moment. Ferretti and Kawalsky would have been confused and taken it the wrong way, and General Hammond wouldn’t have appreciated his sense of humour. 

Physically, Sam hadn’t changed much since the last time Jack had seen her - sleeping in her bed, dead to the world, bare shoulder just peeking above the covers. She was as captivating as ever, especially when she was provoked. Her hair was different, shorter and springier, and the way it framed her face brought his attention to her eyes, sparkling as she challenged him. There was something special about how she lit up the room.

Hammond seemed to take Jack’s continued silence as the end of his response, and didn’t seem willing to press any more. “Just make sure it stays that way, Colonel. I don’t care how you spend your downtime, but for God’s sake don’t embarrass your command and keep it professional on base. I’ll see your team in the gate room at departure.”

If Jack hadn’t been so surprised, he might have blushed. He stood, saluted, and exited Hammond’s office before he could say anything else to shock Jack.

Chapter Text

April 1995

Sam paced her living room anxiously, mentally reviewing everything her handler’s file had on her new husband. It wasn’t much, due to the extensive redactions. Special Forces, probably, due to the amount and timing of the blank spots. Far too many broken bones. From Minnesota. Oldest of three. It revealed nothing of the man behind the report.

She recalled her handler’s explanations. Meeting at her house would be less suspicious than if she went to a new location. Apparently, her neighbours wouldn’t notice a man moving in. The Air Force had clearly never met Mrs. Abernathy, her elderly next door neighbour. She never failed to comment on Sam’s lack of a young man. When she came home late from work, Mrs. Abernathy made a point to tell Sam she needed to sleep more if she ever hoped to live a long life. When she got the hint of sniffle, Mrs. Abernathy appeared like magic on her front porch with a care basket. If she had been on the case, Sam’s stalkers would have already been found. 

Sam had been mortified when the agent explained in excruciating detail that she and the mystery man would be legitimately married. “In the eyes of the government of the United States, you are husband and wife. Certain regulations no longer apply to you. Extramarital affairs will put you in extreme danger.” Sam could feel her face heat in embarrassment and anger even at the memory of that conversation. She was thankful that she had broken off her engagement to Jonas before this came to a head. Although he had been offered by the Air Force as a potential candidate for her protection detail due to their previous relationship, she had refused, hoping that the mystery man would prove to be more even-tempered than Jonas. She couldn’t help but think that this was the most absurd way to try to resolve her issues. 

Although, she hadn’t been the type of girl who dreamed of a white dress and a big wedding, she still felt a pang of disappointment that the only evidence of her marriage would be a faked certificate. As a young girl, she had poured over her mother’s wedding album while her mother reminisced of the hijinks of the wedding guests and terrible catering. It seemed too anticlimactic that her handler had given her a postdated certificate requiring her signature, and lacking both the name and signature of her intended.

In the week that followed, her own file had been updated. The previously sparse fields for family information now had a new addition. Husband: Jonathan O’Neill.

She stopped her pacing long enough to push aside the curtain and look outside. There was nothing out of the ordinary on her street, just the same sleepy suburb with young families and retirees. She forced herself to stop counting down the seconds until his arrival and resumed her pacing.

They had never been in the same command, not even on the same base. She was a captain working on a secret project from the safety of her desk and he was a black ops colonel. Sam was sure he didn’t know the details of her work. Her new husband had likely been given no more information than she had, simply told of the impact of her work on national security. 

Not that any of those explanations would satisfy her father, even if she had been allowed to explain it to him. Which she wasn’t - "You cannot tell anyone of the reasons behind your marriage, ma’am, out of an abundance of caution  for your safety." Her father probably wouldn’t look up her record out of the blue, but he would find out eventually. The only thing Mark and her father had agreed on in years was that she was too good for Jonas, which had turned out to be correct, as loathe as she was to admit it. They had gone a step further, telling Sam that it was best if she stayed away from any man in the military. If she had outrage to spare, it would be directed at them. But since her relationship with Jonas had fallen apart, she had been dodging their calls.

She glanced down at her watch. He was late. Great way to start the honeymoon, Sam thought sardonically. Not that it was much of a celebration anyway. Their marriage certificate was dated for November of the previous year, which only slightly predated the beginnings of the threats against herself and Project Giza. The agent had told her the cover story for the delay was that her husband couldn’t get out of his lease on such short notice. What bullcrap. 

Her internal grousing was interrupted by a loud knock on the door. Wouldn’t a real husband have a key? Mrs. Abernathy is going to tell me off about having strange men around. Sam opened the door to a surprisingly handsome man. The photo in his file didn’t do him justice. She felt herself involuntarily giving him a once over, before guiltily snapping her gaze up to his face. He was taller than her, well-built with sharp brown eyes. She resolutely put any admiration of him out of her mind and a frown on her face. 

“Hi,” he said awkwardly. “Can I come inside?”

Sam looked up and down the street, then stood aside to let him into her house. Even though she was never around enough to make a mess, she suddenly felt that her house was in shambles. Her attention was caught by the stack of magazines spread out on her coffee table and she felt desperately disorganized. She kicked herself for not giving the house a proper clean. It’s not like she had anything else to do while she waited for her husband and protective detail to arrive. “Anything to drink?” she asked distractedly, attempting to alleviate her discomfort.

“Uh, no. I’m not sure if they gave you my name. I’m Jack O’Neill, and I guess we’ll be getting to know each other.” He attempted to smile, but looked forced. She was sure she had a faintly disgusted look on her face, like there was something unpleasant under her nose. A shame, since there was something alluring about him. Living with this man was going to be dangerous for her mental state. Privately, she hoped he was a brainless slob, so any attraction she might feel would fizzle and die.

“If you must call me anything, you can call me Sam. Never Samantha. Make yourself comfortable.” And she left the room, repulsed by the situation. Five minutes, Sam. You couldn’t even last five minutes with the man. How are you supposed to pretend to be married to him?

Chapter Text

February 1997

“So, when am I going to meet your wife?” Daniel’s sudden question startled Jack. Daniel had been making his best efforts to drown his sorrows in beer, but apparently he was still sober enough to ask awkward questions.

What was Jack supposed to say to that? He didn’t recall ever telling Daniel the sordid details of his romantic relationships, let alone that his current marriage was to the woman who would be the third member of their team. When he had last talked with Daniel on Abydos, he had been reeling from another Air Force reassignment. Jack had felt like a pinball all those years ago, unable to dictate his own direction, not only in his work duties, but in his personal life as well. From Charlie’s death, to his separation from Sara, to his abrupt marriage to Sam, and as soon as that seemed smoother, the end of that assignment and the suicide mission to Abydos. For nearly three years, major life choices had been taken from him and left him beaten and chewed up. Daniel and Skaara had helped to shake him out of his depression and find himself again. He had been slowly regaining his own agency until he was again yanked out of his own life by the Air Force.

In the end, Jack decided that Daniel didn’t need to be confused by the ins and outs of his relationships. Daniel had known him on Abydos, and while he had been married to Sam, he was still reeling over Charlie’s death and never mentioned their marriage. It’s not like he and Sam had ever discussed what their responses would be in this kind of situation, and she probably wouldn’t appreciate him spilling the beans to their new coworker.

“Oh, probably…um, never. We separated before I left for Abydos the first time.” That wasn’t even really a lie. His divorce with Sara had been expedited to allow for his marriage to Sam to remain legal, and officially, his role on her protection detail (and thus, in his mind, any relationship they may have had) had ended the day before he was called back by the Air Force. He had been a poor husband to her and he still regretted how he had disappeared overnight. Jack was shocked that she hadn’t filed for divorce. He had been certain she would send him the papers the moment he stepped out of her house. Certainly, now that she was reminded of his existence, he would once again be a divorcee.

“I’m sorry.” Even while Daniel was mourning the loss of his own wife to the soul-sucking snakes, he could extend sympathy. As it was, Daniel was a much more likely contender for husband of the year than Jack, who hadn’t even known his wife’s location before this morning.

Jack settled back into his seat and kept sipping at his beer. It was better to be a silent companion to Daniel and make sure he didn’t drink himself into a stupor before their mission tomorrow morning. Daniel was distracted enough when he was sober. 

He contemplated his team in the silence of the cool night. An overly enthusiastic captain - maybe that’s a bit harsh, Jack thought, she did have a level head on her shoulders - and the eternally optimistic civilian. If Daniel’s only motivation was to find his kidnapped wife, as noble as that was, he was liable to run off at any whiff of Sha’re. Jack would need to keep a close eye on him. That was straightforward enough. 

Sam, on the other hand…He had no idea how to interact with her. Hi, honey, long time, no see. Sorry I left you without a word like a bad one night stand. Now I’m gonna be your CO, but I’m sure it will all be fine. Jack winced internally. They hadn’t said a word to each other apart from the scene in the briefing room. They had made decent partners before, when the occasion demanded it, but she had never been under his command. They certainly could drive each other up the wall, but he hoped that her professionalism would maintain discipline in the field. Otherwise, Hammond was going to have his ass. Jack laughed to himself at that ridiculous notion. Sam would never jeopardize her career - hell, she married him to keep her career. If the Air Force said “Jump,” Sam said, “How high?” Regardless, Hammond had to be certifiable to allow them on the same team, shadowy powers that be or not.

Jack watched as Daniel finished his beer, then tried futilely to further drain the bottle. Bedtime, Jack thought, standing up and stretching his cramped muscles. Best to hit the sack now, before Daniel got drunk or Jack fell asleep on his porch. They had a big day ahead of them.

Chapter Text

March 1997

Sam closed her front door softly behind her and shook her head to remove the stray raindrops from her hair. This day called for a long, hot bath. Their mission to Simarka had exhausted her both physically and emotionally. She had never played the role of damsel in distress very well - not years ago in DC and not today as Turghan’s captive. Perhaps she would have been safer if she had kept her head down and stayed put, but she had refused to remain idle this time and had the marks to show for it. 

Her experience on Simarka was giving her disturbing flashbacks to her engagement to Jonas and the time with a protective detail. She had been treated like cattle, like an unthinking piece of meat, losing agency over her own life. And Turghan’s crude words were like the notes she had received from her stalker - even after years, she still remembered each disgusting word and vile threat.

What was it about the Colonel that made her desperate to prove herself? Between this mission, her stupid comments at their first briefing, and her attitude during their...cohabitation, she was certain he thought she was some kind of rabid feminist with a chip on her shoulder. Sam could admit that the description might not be too far off base, but she prided herself on her professional behaviour and level head. She could only imagine what he thought of her now. 

As she drew a bath, she recalled what a terrible roommate she had been while they lived together. In fact, in her worst moments of pettiness, she had gone out of her way to make little things more difficult. She had certainly been grateful for the protection detail, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t brought out the worst in her. Although, she still maintained that he had the most ridiculous way of packing the dishwasher, and her way was far more efficient. She couldn’t help it if every time he opened the damn thing he felt the need to exclaim, “For crying out loud!” in annoyance at how she arranged her bowls. And his irritating habit of kicking off his shoes immediately in front of the door had made her trip more times than she could count. 

It had come to a head one memorable night, just a few weeks into their marriage. She had been tense and flustered, reeling from a note she had found on the dash of her car. He had been furious that she had driven home anyways, instead of returning to her office and contacting him. Tripping over his shoes once again had been the last straw. She had slammed the door shut and yelled out her frustration.

“Why can’t you put the damn things on the shoe rack? All these secrets are useless if I crack my head open in my own home!”

He had rounded the corner, his shoulders tense and emotions clearly as high as hers were. “Why can’t you just accept help? You’re not on your own anymore!” His finger sharply jabbed the air in front of him. “Why did I find out about the latest note from the parking security instead of from you?”

That had only riled her up more, and she angrily kicked his shoes into a corner. All her frustration bubbled over. She had the briefest thought that it wasn’t the best idea to rile up a superior officer, but she quite frankly couldn’t care less. If the Air Force cared so much about her brain that they forced her to get married, they weren’t going to call it off because she pissed off one controlling jerk. 

“Why can’t you just let me be! I was fine on my own!” She could feel her face reddening with pent-up resentment. She was so irrationally angry. Undoubtedly, she would regret this conversation once her emotions settled down. Every time she found another note, she felt more and more trapped. His constant presence in her house hadn’t helped in the least. Now, she felt she never had a respite from the microscope - the constant scrutiny at work, his hovering in her house, and the omnipresent threat lingering over her shoulder. 

“That’s not your choice and you know it.” He punctuated each word with a jabbing finger. “Either you’re here with me, or you’re stuck on a base in the middle of nowhere. This wasn’t my first choice either!” He wasn’t shouting, but his voice was hard. Military. She hadn’t seen much of that side of him since he moved in. Aside from laying out ground rules for her protection, he had generally stayed out of her way. 

She deflated, feeling ashamed. He had been dragged away from his life to putter around her house, watching her every move, turned from a man of action into the perfect househusband. He had to be bored out of his mind. And she rewarded him with a childish tantrum. 

“Alright,” she sighed, running a hand through her hair. “What does this look like? And in more detail than ‘Call me.’” 

His shoulders loosened and he leaned against the wall, ticking off his points on his fingers. “First off, you tell me if something is wrong. A funny feeling, a suspicious note, a strange look. I am your external gut check. Second, I accompany you everywhere that is not the Pentagon. If you want groceries, I come with you. If you stop to fill up your tank of gas, I come with you. I’m sticking closer to you than your own shadow. Third, we’re a team. This is weird for both of us. You do your job, and I’ll do mine.” She could see the tiredness on his face, and the shadows seemed to deepen as he spoke. It was strangely humanizing. 

She nodded reluctantly. She had been more petty than she should for all he was giving up for her, orders or no. She had no trouble following orders at work, but the encroachment into her home rankled. Even though she was a bit freaked out by the increasingly disturbing notes, she had felt confident in her own abilities to protect herself and had been lax in her habits. This ordeal would be over faster if she just cooperated. 

They had settled into a rhythm after that argument. There were some habits she had never been able to break, but she didn’t go out of her way to annoy him. She had come to appreciate his perspective, and his presence had saved the day in a few close scrapes. She liked to watch him in action. When she declared she needed to go to the gym, he had accompanied her to get his own workout in, and the view from her treadmill had been very distracting. Now that they were on the same team, it was even worse. 

She wouldn’t have called them friends by the end of it, but she could see there was something underneath his gruff exterior that she could appreciate. If only they hadn’t been forced into this relationship and given time to heal, maybe something would have come of it. She knew that she carried baggage from Jonas that she hadn’t truly examined, just shoved into a corner of her mind and forcibly repressed. When Jack had given her instructions, she had wanted to thwart him, just to prove that she still had some modicum of independence. She didn’t need to see a shrink to know that it was a response to Jonas’ controlling behaviour. 

There had been something haunted in Jack’s expression too, that she never quite dared to ask about. It had taken her ages to find a more detailed version of his file that hadn’t been carefully curated by her handler. The recent loss of his son, the even more recent divorce from his wife - no wonder he was tense and moody. If he ever had a soft side, it had been securely hidden behind the razor-sharp edges of his grief. Sam had seen that in her own father and knew it was best for everyone to stay away when that hard glint came into his eyes. But Jack was more settled now, and so was she. 

She had confronted him only a week after they returned from Abydos, unable to live with the tension between them. If their relationship was going to end her time at the SGC, she’d prefer to know right away. He hadn’t struck her as an unfair or uncompromising man, and was clearly willing to bend the rules as he saw fit (and as Uncle George was willing to let them), but it all gnawed at her. 

They’d taken a divide and conquer approach to getting their team set up on earth. All four of them went to the mall, Jack accompanying Daniel for the essentials and Sam helping Teal’c navigate a new planet. It hadn’t been a bad day, just terribly uncomfortable since there were all sorts of layers of hurt and grief and confusion, but she had felt that she could work well with this team. However, it just made it all the more apparent that she and the Colonel needed to clear the air. Even through Daniel’s deep grief and Teal’c’s fascination with the human world, they had clocked that she and her commanding officer were uncomfortable with each other.

After escorting Teal’c back to base with all his new purchases and getting Daniel settled into Jack’s guest room, she had stopped on the Colonel’s front porch, determined to get her say in. He hadn’t been unreasonable when they were cohabitating, but she wasn’t sure what he was like as a commanding officer. She could tell he saw the look in her eyes, since he stopped with her on the front porch, leaving them illuminated only by his dim front light. 

“Why did you leave?” Well, that wasn’t how she had meant to start this conversation. It was too…needy, almost accusatory. “I mean, why didn’t you tell me you had been reassigned?” That was better.

Something flicked across his face, and Sam silently cursed the dim lighting. Although, the shadows brought out the appealing features of his face.

“I didn’t think it would matter.” She arched her eyebrows at that, and he hastily added, “I mean, after they called to confirm that they had found the guy stalking you, I figured you wanted your space back.” He looked frustrated with himself and a little wary. “I couldn’t say no to Abydos. There were…other considerations…and I didn’t think I’d be back anyways.” There was a darkness in his eye that she hadn’t seen since coming to the SGC - one that appeared when he thought of his past, of his previous family. “I was wrong. I had sworn I’d never desert my team, but I left you behind. Even if we were never going to see each other again, you deserved more from me.” Sam nodded slowly, coming to understand his rationale, as painful as it had been for her.

“Thank you.” She wasn’t sure she could forgive him at the moment, but his acknowledgment helped to soothe her bitterness. They lapsed into silence, each looking past the other into the growing darkness. Sam shivered in the chill despite her jacket, and that seemed to snap them both back to the present. 

“Well, then,” he claps his hands together lightly, “I think we should start from the beginning again. Hello, I’m Colonel Jack O’Neill. Welcome to SG-1.”

She smiled and accepted his hand to shake. “Glad to be here, sir. I’m Captain Samantha Carter.”

Since then, their interactions had seemed less forced, but still in that weird phase of getting to know a new team. They had generally responded to each other well, and Daniel and Teal’c were finding their groove…until this last mission. 

As she relaxed back into her steaming bath, she felt like a bit of a hypocrite. She had proudly told Nya that women shouldn’t be packed off to marry a stranger, but that had been her own situation. Earth wasn’t as enlightened as she liked to pretend to the people she met offworld. Sam supposed that she had a choice in the matter, but it was no better than Nya’s: marriage or certain death. Not that she wasn’t grateful that she had protection when it was needed, but she wasn’t fooling herself. If her work hadn’t been so essential for national security, she would have never been given assistance. She would have been reliant on the local police and thrown to the wolves. Her name would have been a footnote in the paper and the Air Force would have pretended that it had nothing to do with her work. Sam had fought for Nya in a way she couldn’t fight for herself. 

Sam hadn’t realized how cathartic it was to fight Turghan. He was the embodiment of the sexism she had battled for her whole life, a chance to take out her frustration at being forced into marriage, at losing her autonomy, to set an example for Nya and the other women. Her twinging back reminded her that she had given him the same pain and humiliation he had dished out to her. 

She had decided years ago that a romantic relationship wasn’t in the cards for her. Between the failed engagement with Jonas and her marriage to Jack, she had determined she wasn’t really marriage material. It had been made clear that unless she was on the brink of marrying another man, some shadowy member of the government would intervene to prevent a divorce. She would just muddle on. Why, exactly, her marriage to Jack was so essential to national security had never been made clear to her, but she had been told clearly not to press the issue.

Although, she had seen something in the Colonel’s eyes when she first came out wearing that ridiculous blue dress (which was completely Daniel’s fault). She had seen that look on his face once or twice while they lived together, and certainly on that night - but it was best that they both forgot that. Not if she was trying to deny her attraction to him and consider their respective careers.

What was that saying? she thought drowsily. If wishes were fishes, everyone would eat. Best not to dwell on what could never be. 

Chapter Text

May 1997

Sam woke from sleep with a gasp, reaching out wildly to the space on the bed next to her. Her fingers found only the soft mattress and warm blankets she was cocooned in. There were no hard rocks, no ice, no snow, no frostbite. Slowly, her breathing steadied, even as her heart continued to pound. Bad dreams and poor sleep had become the norm for her in the last month as her near-death experiences returned to her in the nighttime. Scattered throughout visions of her own death was the fear that her team died and left her alone. Although the base doctors had assured her after they recovered Daniel that there were no more hidden memories, she was still having a hard time trusting her own mind, especially in the sleeping hours. 

Worse, however, were the ones where she failed to save the Colonel in Antarctica. They were found too late, or his injury was fatal, or, or, or… There was a growing list provided by her overactive imagination. 

She had known when she accepted that the job would be dangerous, but since the inception of the Stargate Program, she had watched too many people close to her die. And no matter how many times she had been reassured by her colleagues, she still felt that some of that was on her shoulders. 

It wasn’t until the Colonel nearly died in her arms, thinking that she was Sara, that Sam realized she could love Jack. Not just could love, but be in love. She wanted him, even now, safe and warm and whole in her little apartment. She wanted to be held by him - but that would never happen as there was no way he returned her feelings. She wanted to come home to him, to actually laugh out loud at his stupid jokes, to learn why the stars called to him. She wanted to be the woman he brought to his bed. If only she had realized earlier…

Her interactions with Sara, the first Mrs. O’Neill, the month prior, had been surreal. Jack had never mentioned Sara, but for her part, Sam hadn’t discussed any of her previous relationships with him either until Jonas’ actions had forced her hand. She had learned about Sara from Daniel, who clearly didn’t know even half the story. Sara had been oblivious to Sam’s identity, only thanking her quietly as she left the hospital. She had seen Sam simply as a soldier, like a background figure in a play while she grieved her dead son again. What right had Sam to witness that grief? 

The glimpses Sam saw of Sara were a woman who was genuine in her emotions and even-keeled. In some ways, so similar to Sam they could have been sisters. In others, so distant as to be unimaginable. She felt like an interloper - a poor replacement in Jack’s life. 

She had wondered, for a time, what kind of woman the original Mrs. O’Neill had been. While living in DC, Sam had concluded that she must have been some kind of saint to put up with Jack. Or maybe, grief had changed him from warm and caring into a cold, sarcastic man. She had seen a picture once, tucked into the folds of Jack’s ancient wallet - Sara, Jack, and Charlie, arms tucked around each other, smiling at the camera. 

Sam had intercepted a voicemail while she and Jack lived together. Jack’s mother had been on the other end of the answering machine, asking if he had heard from Sara, that it wasn’t too late to reach out to her. Sam had heard the worry in her voice as she told Jack not to do anything he couldn’t come back from. Even in memories, it made her shiver. It had ended with his mother sounding dubiously pleased that he had found someone new, but gently reprimanding him for having a wedding without her present. “I know you’re a man of simple tastes, Jack, but your mother would have liked to be there. Just to wish you well, you know,” she had said.

Sam remembered thinking in the moment that she wished she too had been invited to the wedding. She and Jack had simply been given a wedding certificate - Samantha Marie and Jonathan James - with a date months prior, having been told they were so eager to be married they couldn’t wait to inform their families. It had taken everything in Sam to keep from rolling her eyes in her handler’s face when he told her the story. As if she would ever be that impulsive. As if he had been ready to move on. 

In Sara’s presence, Sam had that strange sense of jealousy again, the one she knew she had no right to. The little bitter ember had first appeared on Argos. Now, Sam knew that he had been drugged, but in the moment, she had tried to convince herself that their vows were immaterial, since they had never actually said them, and he was allowed to mess around with whomever he liked. She'd never expected that their sham of a marriage would last, but had expected him to tell her he had moved on, not flaunting his paramours in front of her and her team. She had tried desperately to believe that the weight in her stomach was simply because travelling through the Stargate without her full team would be like operating without an arm. 

She had been so caught up in her own feelings. She should have realized much sooner that something was wrong. So much for being the observant, impartial scientist, she mocked herself. She knew enough about Jack the man and Jack the Colonel to know he took his work very seriously. Never during their marriage, even at its shammiest, had he indicated he was interested in someone else, even for a night. He had proved himself again and again that he took her concerns into account. He wouldn’t embarrass her in front of their team, even if they were oblivious. 

The mystery of his rapid aging had distracted her from her inner turmoil, but their latest brush with death was making it feel all too real. 

It finally hit her that she had nearly lost Jack twice in two weeks. How long would it be until his luck ran out? How long until hers ran out?

Their unexpected trip to Antarctica had only reinforced how little she knew about her husband. Every new piece of information about him she prized like a treasure. She felt absurdly like a teenager, savouring the smallest hints that a crush returned her affections, although she had moved too frequently in high school to ever play those games. Sam could admit to herself that she had never felt this way about a man. Jonas had been appealing in his way, but with the benefit of hindsight, she saw how she had shied away from him, protecting herself even before she had seen his darker side. She had made a point during those early days with Jack to learn as little about him as possible, to just keep her head down and solve the problem of the Stargate. She had been so angry at everything and everyone in those days, feeling as if she had lost all rights to her life, even in her off-duty hours, and scared that every shadow would hide her tormentors.

She had seen since then that he wasn’t only an attractive man, but he had a mind and heart to match. She saw how he cared for Skaara and the other Abydonians, how even when Daniel annoyed him Jack treated him like a brother, how he stood up for what he believed in, even when it might cost him his career or his life. It had been so easy to hate him at first, for his intrusion in her life. She knew that at the time he had no love for her either. But now…now she thought things might change. She had felt his lingering looks and was positive he had been watching her six a little too closely on their latest missions.

Perhaps if he wasn’t her CO, they could have an actual go at a relationship, but she couldn’t escape the constraints of reality. Every day that passed made it more difficult to discuss their marriage with him. Did she want him? It was one thing to admire him from closeup, but what was she actually expecting out of him? And what if he was okay with the status quo and didn’t return her feelings? And if she did, how could she ever serve on his team again after baring her soul?