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The boy was a beggar.
Or at least, that’s what his 15 years worth of memories have told him so.
How does it feel to wake up one day just to suddenly feel unfamiliar about yourself?
The boy didn’t have a reason for that feeling. There was no sign nor anything out of place the day before. Then he wakes up and suddenly knows there is a lifetime worth of memories he had forgotten about. A whole another, different life from one he know, and it's his. The strangest part is, he has absolutely no idea who his ‘rother’ self is supposed to be.
In one night, everything he knew in his life turn into strangers
Not even his name sounds right in his ear anymore. Not like he has a real name in the first place.
'So why are you looking at me with those eyes, and calling me the name I don’t even remember?'
“Tang….Bo?”
When everyone he knew turns into strangers, someone who he is supposed to meet for the first time wash him with nostalgic feelings he never knew he missed.
"I miss you."
The lodging remains unspoken as he can’t explain why he misses the way that ‘stranger’ calls his name. The boy only knew it was him that the ‘stranger’ called for. He find familiarity in the name a stranger calls him with rather than his own memory.
The boy's name is Tang Bo.
The ‘stranger’ is a swordsman with plum blossom embroidery on his robe, and eyes the same color as the said flower. Those eyes look at him with lodging that are awfully painful to watch.
The swordsman’s name is Chung Myung. Mount Hua’s Divine Dragon. But Tang Bo feel more at ease when the teen, who he knew later is two years older than him, introduced himself as the Plum Blossom’s Swordsman, Chung Myung.
Once again, The boy doesn’t know why he didn’t hesitate to take his hand.
Then again, everything about the swordsman are strange for him. From how the boy just know that he can trust him with his life. Or the way he know that feeling is mutual. The way everything feels right when they are together, or maybe it finally feels right since they back together. What are the odds of meeting with someone, you never knew you had always been searching for your whole life?
There are a lot of missing pieces in this puzzle called his memory. Tang Bo knows Chung Myung holds all the pieces he needs. But sometimes, more than often, he feels somewhat unpleasant every times Chung Myung treats him with so much familiarity that he remember nothing about.
“Don’t use the sword. Practice with daggers.” And just as he said, Tang Bo 's finger works better with many other assassin-type-weapon.
“Let’s ask Tang’s lord for advice on poison resistance training, but don’t push yourself too hard.” And he can't decided which one he love more. His new green robe from the Shicuan's ruler, or the new habit of Chung Myung kissing his blackened fingertips after hours of making and trying poisons.
“Tang Bo, come here. I will do your hair.” Tang Bo will always sit in silence, while Chung Myung combed his black and silky hair gently. Calloused fingers from years of experience with swords, unravel the tangled part one by one carefully. Then he took half part of the hair and then styled it into a single bun before putting a pink hairpin to put it neatly in place.
He does it as if he has already done it dozens, or maybe hundred times before.. Chung Myung takes his sweet time styling Tang Bo's hair, while the younger boy trapped between his curiosity of that nostalgic hums, and a strange sense of jealousy he found himself in receiving that affectionate gesture every times.
'Who are you looking at?'
Tang Bo doesn't know ‘him’. He doesn’t hate Chung Myung who knows all the best about him. He hates it because he feels like he became a replacement for someone else, when he was supposed to be the same person.
It is him that Chung Myung looks at with those gentle plum colored orbs. But why does it feel like he is seeing someone else? Tang Bo knows very well who is the shadow that overlaps with him every time Chung Myung smiles and calls his name.
It is the ‘Tang Bo’ that Chung Myung remembers. ‘Tang Bo’ that once existed in his life.
It is the ‘Tang Bo’ that made Chung Myung smile like he is the happiest person in the world.
It is the ‘Tang Bo’ that made Chung Myung lost in thought from time to time whenever alcohol and rising smoke from the cigar pipe became the company of the night.
The boy hated his other self who left this lovable person alone. He hates himself more for not remembering. (There is a sharp pain in his chest and awfully pained sound of someone crying in his dream when he try to remember, but it doesn't help with this situation.)
In one evening, after their personal training. A question fall between their usual routine.
“Do I look a lot like him?” The boys suddenly ask with a calm voice.
Chung Myung stared at the smaller back in front of him. Fully understand the meaning behind his question.
“Yes, you look a lot like him.”
A bit pause, but the answer is one he had expected.
The boy turned his head and asked again. “Do you love him?”
“I love him.”
I Love You
Chung Myung answered without missing a beat. Those eyes are unwavering. He looks so ready to confess. But those eyes can’t even show half of the times he regretted preparing to say exactly those three words just to fail every time. Just to finally be brave enough as the person he wants to confess to is dying in his arms.
Chung Myung shut his eyes hard. Remembers the slipping warmth of Tang Bo’s body, as it turns colder than winter.
“Which part of me reminds you of him?”
“Hm…. lets see…”
Chung Myung use one of his hands to reach at the younger boy’s face.
“Your hair, your habit, your way of talking.” bending down, their eyes meet with each other. “Your eyes, especially your eyes.”
“These eyes?”
Tang Bo tries to cover them with his bangs. “Everyone said it makes me looks like a snake”
Chung Myung smiles and said with voice so genuine "I think it's the most beautiful eyes I had seen in my lifes.”
It is a sincere compliment. One the boy never heard from anyone else. Someone even called him a demon snake because of those eyes and how he can make poison from almost every plant in the wilderness. They spread rumors that he can turn even water into poison. Thanks to that he can’t even buy food because no one wants to touch what he has touched.
But the swordsman grabbed his hand and never let it go all the way he took them back to Mount Hua.
“Would you not love me if I wasn't him?”’
What if I’m not him?
The anxiety of being left by the only person his heart chose to beat had haunted him for several days. He doesn't think he can live being a stranger with his own self for life.
Chung Myung gave him an apologetic look. “Maybe no ''
Tang Bo can feel his heart sink at his words.
Chung Myung take one of his hands clenched into the left side of his chest where his heart is. “That greedy bastard took all my heart with him so I have nothing left for another.” Now the beating heart merely functioning as a proof that he is still alive. Sometimes he kinda miss the time when he still unaware of why it always thumping faster every time the younger man close to him.
“Did he love you?” The question continue.
“Yes, more than anything.”
“Then, why is he left?”
Chung Myung took time to choose his words for a moment, doesn’t know which answer sounds the least pitiful.
“It’s because I don’t love him enough. It’s not enough to make him stay”
If I love you more, I will realize you are sacrificing yourself the moment you made that technique. No, I realize it but I didn’t stop you. Because we want to save the world where our family lives.
But if, if I was to love you, even for a bit more, perhaps I can think about another way for us to survive together? Why should you be the only one who thinks and found a way to protect me but not to survive yourself?
Tang Bo sees the guilt in Chung Myung’s eyes, but that’s not the answer he is looking for.
“Do you regret that you can't make him stay? or because you can’t go after him?”
Chung Myung can hear the sound of his face slapped by that straight question.
Does he want to go after Tang Bo? Yes, many times.
Every night when he laying down alone, fully on guard even with his eyes closed. Or another time when he almost falls because of his unnoticed injury and accumulated fatigue has gotten worse. When he looks back and sees no one there.
Every times he sit In front of a jar of alcohol and a cup for the empty seat across him to spend the night.
But he can’t. Because his sect still need him here. And even if this is for his selfishness, he knows Tang Bo won't allow him to look for him before he finished all his duty for his sect. That’s what Tang Bo loves about Chung Myung. That’s also why Chung Myung fell for Tang Bo.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to answer it.” The boy suddenly claps his hand. He already got what he wanted to know.
He gets up to face Chung Myung straight and smiles brightly.
“I love you.” Those words filled Chung Myung with nostalgic warms that almost bring tears in his eyes. With the same voice and the same smile, Tang Bo confession always sounds so free, though it didn’t make it sound any lighter.
“I don’t know about him, but I love you. Me, the one who is standing here.” Tang Bo, too shy to look at the swordsman’s eyes, tip-toeing to do a quick peck on his cheek before turn to run away.
“Even if I end up not being him, I won’t stop okay?”
“Are you crazy? have you not heard what I said earlier?”
“It’s okay. You can still love him.” The boy smiles brightly as if all the weight in his chest has been lifted and the doubt in his mind has been cleared. “Even if you love him, I still love you. Just because I love you doesn’t mean you must love me back as much!” He smiles widely, so pure and in love.
Unable to recover from the sudden hit of confession, Chung Myung took a long sigh as he can only watch the boy had already gone.
“It will be much easier if you are a totally different person.” He crouched down. Didn’t know if he was supposed to cry or laugh. “How can a person lose all his memory and still say the same thing?”
“You love Mount Hua, and I love you. We both have things we love so what’s the problem?”
“Aren’t you supposed to be upset if I love anything more than you?”
“Um, no? just because I love you doesn’t mean you must love me back the same.”
“If someone hears it they might think you’ve fallen really hard for me.”
“It isn’t wrong, tho? I do love you very much.”
“Ugh… stop. You give me chills.”
“ahaha….”
The laugh still sounds so clear in his memory. The memory only he alone remembers.
“If you say it like that I can’t give up either.” Chung Myung still loves Tang Bo even without his memory. He never felt nor saw Tang Bo as anyone different from the Tang Bo he always knew.But it doesn’t mean he iis going to give up the memory they shared together.
Because he knows just as much as he treasured his, Tang Bo will also want to remember them.
“It’s time to fulfill the promise, and I won’t let you go just because you say you don’t remember.”
Chung Myung said as he kept a little box with a pair of rings deeper in his pocket.
"If we life more than 100 years and you still single, let's get married!"
"It's your word okay? I won't take a no as answer." Chung Myung laugh at himself. There is still a long way to go. But missing past, doesn't mean impossible to start anew.