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Olivia watched the rain as it hammered against her windshield, unrelenting in its attempt to shatter the glass that kept her safe. She could feel it cracking, spidering where the rain continuously bared down until the glass could no longer hold the weight. She quickly wiped the tears away that started falling down her cheeks. She knew the windshield would hold, would keep her safe, would keep her protected, but the metaphor was not lost on her. She felt it deep in her soul. She had once told Fin, “it’s just a lot of rain in one place.” She was so tired of feeling like she couldn’t outrun the rain. Her body, her mind, her entire being felt so close to shattering under its weight.
She sighed and bit the inside of her lip to keep from crying more than she already was. She knew she needed to gather her things and make the trek up to her apartment, relieve Martha, but she couldn’t just yet. Noah would see the weariness and tearstains on her face. He would ask questions and expect answers she didn’t know and wasn’t willing to give to him. He was still young, still gloriously unaware to the weight of the rain. To him, rain was the chance at new beginnings, a place to start fresh once the rain washed all the bad away. She smiled through the tears, thinking of Noah and his childlike wonder. She wished she could see the world through his eyes sometimes. She wished she could feel the joy in watching raindrops race down the windows, hunting rainbows after the rain, and most of all seeing the rain as a chance at a new beginning. She needed one of those. She had a chance at one of those, but she was scared. Terrified even.
At the thought, her heart rate picked up, and she could feel the panic start to rise. There was so much resting on the decision to be more. She wanted it. She knew what she deserved, but she couldn’t. What if this one decision was the catalyst, the storm, and the glass finally broke under the pressure? She knew she was strong; she always had been, but was it enough this time? She swallowed hard, and thrummed her fingers on the steering wheel, trying to bring herself back into the present. The tears were still streaming down her face, and she wasn’t sure they were ever going to stop. She felt so much and so little at the same time. More than anything, she felt broken .
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to regulate her breathing before she completely started to panic. She took slow, deep breaths in and out, trying her best to reign in her mind, but tonight it was too much. Tonight, she needed more. She needed someone she could trust. She tried to focus her mind on her son: his blue eyes, the dimple in his cheek, and the curly hair. She could feel her heart rate slow down and the tension in her chest release as she pictured his smiling face and the hug she knew was waiting for her upstairs. If she could only move, move from the car. If she could only run away from the rain. The rain felt like it could shatter her into millions of pieces in only seconds, and her heart began to race again and her breath became shallow as the panic rose up, ready to drown her in its depths. She quickly flipped on the radio, hoping whatever was on would be enough to occupy her mind. She took a deeper breath as shaky fingers reached out to turn up the volume.
'Cause underneath, I'm broken and it's beautiful
I’m broken and it’s beautiful.
She closed her eyes and let the song wash over her, let it settle into her mind and into her soul. I’m broken and it’s beautiful. She let the melody fill in the cracks like glue. Let the mantra of “I’m broken and it’s beautiful” reinforce the glass from the pressure of the rain, and she felt okay. Not great, not fine, but okay. She flipped the mirror down and looked at her face. The bruise under her eye was fading, more easily hidden now with a bit of makeup. She looked around for a tissue to wipe away her tears and the bit of mascara that had run under her eyes. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, and Noah would surely notice. He was sometimes too perceptive for her liking, and that made her smile. He was definitely the son of a cop— her son . She cleaned up the mascara, and then took time to actually look at herself in the mirror. She could see the way time had changed her, the way life had made itself known on her face, and the way things were distinctly her: the laugh lines, the small scars, the way her nose scrunched when she laughed, and the way her eyes reflected both beauty and sadness. She was broken, but she was beautiful. She was superwoman in her own right. She was strong, stronger than she ever thought she could be. She had proven that over and over again. She could hold it all together, alone, but she didn’t want to. She wanted someone to know her, to know “ everything about me, even the parts that I’d rather forget .”
She had thought about that night in her kitchen for weeks. She had wanted to, she had wanted to let her guard down completely and let him in, let him protect her like she knew he would, but her fear, her fear of losing him again held her back. In the moment when she had pulled back with, “I can’t,” all she could feel was the metaphorical rain pouring down around her, causing the glass to crack as she leaned into what she wanted. So, she had pulled back, leaned up against the refrigerator for support as she drowned in her own fear, and Elliot, Elliot had stood there unsure, unsure of what she needed. He had tried to reach out to her, to pull her into his embrace, but she wouldn’t let him. She couldn’t let him drown too. She had looked up at him once, through the rain, and saw the love he had for her reflected in his ocean-blue eyes. The irony wasn’t completely lost on her then. She felt like one type of water was trying to drown her, to break her, and one was trying to rescue her, to put her back together again.
She was so lost in her thoughts that she jumped when her phone rang. She quickly cleared her throat, trying to mask the crying, and answered, assuming it was Noah calling to see when she would be home.
“Hey, baby.” She paused waiting for her son’s enthusiastic voice to fill the air ready to share the riddle his English teacher had, no doubt, added to their quiz as a bonus question.
The voice that answered surprised her though, “Umm, Olivia?”
She cleared her throat, slightly embarrassed, “Elliot? I thought it was Noah. I—” She cut off her own apology, not sorry in the least. She could feel her cheeks blush slightly as she thought: in a parallel universe.
“I just finished my therapy appointment, and I was wondering—,” he paused, and she could hear the nervousness in his voice, “I’m hungry, and I wanted to know if—” She almost wanted to laugh at how awkward the exchange was, “I know it’s pizza night, and I wanted to pick up—”
“Elliot?” She waited for him to stop and listen. “Would you like to join us for pizza night?”
She smiled as she heard him relax. “I would love to join you and Noah for pizza night.”
“Good,” she smiled. “Noah will be excited. He’s been asking about you.”
“He has?” She almost wanted to laugh at the disbelief in his voice.
“Believe it or not, Stabler, you’ve made quite the impression on my kid,” she felt the tears threatening to fall as she thinks about Noah and Elliot together. The two of them together as she had always wished it would have been. She can hear the tears in her voice as she speaks. “I told you he gets attached easily.” The words leave her lips, and she waits to see if he picks up on the double meaning behind them.
He does.
“I’m not going anywhere, Olivia,” he clears his throat, “I did that before, and it was the worst decision I’ve ever made.”
“Elliot.” She can feel the trickle of rain as it starts, and she wants it to stop, but it won’t. It can’t. It’s crashing in like a wave, ready to sweep her out to sea, to drown her, to hold her under until she can’t breathe.
“Olivia?”
She can hear his voice in the distance. It sounds like she’s underwater, and he’s calling for her, but she can’t reach out. She can’t. She wants to, but she can’t. She feels the tears pooling again, and she tries to hold them back, to will them not to fall and add to the water surrounding her, pulling her under, but they don’t listen. They fall anyway.
“Olivia?”
She can’t answer. Her voice is gone, drowned out by the rain. She reaches up to end the call, and through her haze finds the song again. She lets the melody wash over her, cover her in its promise like a mantra. I’m broken and it’s beautiful. She lets it play on a loop, and she’s not sure how many times she’s listened to the song now, enough times that she can almost sing along. The chorus starts to play once more as she hears a soft tap on her window.
“Olivia!”
She looks over at the sound of her name and through the rain, sees those ocean-blue eyes. Elliot, absolutely soaked from the rain, is standing there ready to catch her, ready to protect her, ready to love her, if she’ll let him. She thinks about the rain falling down around her, the figurative and the literal, and thinks, maybe, just maybe, Noah’s right.
She opens the car door, and turns to look at him, “Elliot?”
Can someone just know me?
She can hear the song as it plays in the background, loud and clear, cheering her on. Cheering her toward joy, happiness, and most of all love.
“Olivia.” He holds his hand out to her, and she looks at it for a second as her own words flow through her mind, “take our hand, grab on to us.” Her eyes connect with his, and she sees the same care, protectiveness, and love she saw that night in her kitchen, I care for you. She takes a deep breath, before taking hold of the hand he has offered to her and letting him pull her out of the car toward him.
Can someone just hold me?
She falls into his embrace then and wraps her arms tightly around his neck, and he pulls her in as close as he possibly can as he kisses her cheek. “I’ve got you, Liv.”
She lets herself relax into his warm, comforting embrace as the song continues to play and the rain pours down around them. As they stand there, holding on to each other, she thinks, no, she knows Noah was right. Rain was there to make everything new again, to wash away the old and give space for the new. She knew there would still be days where the rain would come, but now, now she could enjoy it for what it was because with rain, comes new beginnings.
She pulled back from his embrace and took his face into her hands. “I love you.”