Work Text:
"Why are you so afraid of the stars?"
Junkyu stopped writing scribbles in his notebook. He looked up slowly at Mashiho then blinked once.
Another blink.
And then another blink.
Until his lips broke into a small smile.
"Just because."
"Just because?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. They may literally fall from above and hit us right through our heads."
Mashiho giggled. Junkyu and his curious mind. "If you get hit, then I'll get myself hit, too."
He suddenly felt relieved by his comment that he was smiling widely throughout their time together.
▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎
"Why are you so afraid of the stars?"
He stopped in his tracks and glanced at the smaller guy beside him. "Again?"
It was a cold, moonlit night. Mashiho looked up at the shining stars blanketing the dark sky, one thing that Junkyu cannot fathom to do.
Instead of answering, he repeated his question. "Why are you afraid of the stars?"
"Because they may fall–"
"No, that's not the answer."
Junkyu was taken aback by his statement. He lowered his head and sighed softly. "Fine."
He looked up at him again and caught him on eye level, now staring straight at him.
"Haruto promised me that we will be together for many years, only to end that promise under the same sky full of bright stars. Jihoon also called off our engagement on a Saturday night, exactly the time I was looking at the stars outside. Those were the times I thought the stars were looking so majestically beautiful because I get to share the same sky with the people I love. Now, do all celestial bodies hate me that much?"
Junkyu was wearing a blank expression while explaining his life circumstances to the man in front of him. Mashiho thought the trauma could be too much that his pretty face is now void of emotion.
So he did what his impulse told him to do – he hugged him. Junkyu came back into reality when he felt the warm body embracing him. He freezed. The dull expression in his eyes vanishes and is changed into a tired one.
He's tired. He's tired of it all. But he can't say it to Mashiho. He can't say it to everyone.
▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎
"Why are you afraid of the stars?"
"Aish!"
Mashiho burst out in laughter, while Junkyu glared at him.
"You lost the game," he said and went to pick up the console to clear their Xbox away. "Now you owe me one."
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars"
Mashiho turned at him. "Hmm?"
"The stars. They literally only show up when it is dark. And I don't like the darkness it gives to me."
He intended to distract him in the game by asking that particular question. But, he never knew Junkyu would literally answer.
Or he never answered at all.
Because Junkyu never hated the darkness.
Darkness is already his proud companion.
▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎
"Why are you afraid of the stars?"
They are sitting down on the grass, overlooking the night sky above. Typical Junkyu that he is, he kept his eyes closed, head leaned back, while his arms were at the back, supporting his weight.
He heard him. He heard the question. But, is he ready to finally answer the question?
5 seconds.
30 seconds.
And a minute passed.
Junkyu straightened his body, then opened his eyes. He turned to look at Mashiho beside him, already looking at his hazel brown eyes.
"Why am I afraid of the stars?"
Mashiho didn't respond. He kept scanning the facial features of the boy in front of him.
"Because..." he continued, breaths getting heavy.
"Because I'm afraid I will be one with them."
He gulped. Mashiho kept looking at him, and didn't say a word.
"I'm afraid of looking at them, and then later on, won't stop thinking what if I was up there? Would things be the same as it was? Would the sky still be beautiful if I were there? Would you still be able to look up and appreciate the beauty of the sky? Or would you stop looking up already because you'll see me finally shining along with the stars?"
He felt something stinging in his eyes, and his vision became blurry after. He can't stop the heavy object weighing on his chest, his breathing becoming short.
"I'm afraid you'll never forgive me if I wish to become one with them or even so, I'll regret choosing to be one with them instead of living despite the odds together with you. Do I even deserve to live here with you?"
Despite holding them back, his tears finally flowed down his cheeks. Mashiho kept looking at his eyes, but his hands flew to wipe the tears on Junkyu's cheeks.
Mashiho can't speak. He can't respond because, in actual fact, he thinks the same.
They are both struggling to live another day. They both wanted to be one with the stars so bad. But one of them is too afraid of the concept, and the other one has an unthinkable desire to do so.
No, he'll continue to look at the stars and find him among them. No, he won't forgive him, because in the first place, he already accepted his decision. And, yes, he deserves everything in his life that this cruel world took from him. He wanted to say these words to him, but his mouth couldn't let him speak and all he could do was shake his head.
"I'm afraid of the stars. No, I'm afraid to be one with the stars."
Mashiho pulled Junkyu into his embrace, the latter's head above his chest. He can almost hear his beating heart, a sign that he's still alive.
That they're still alive, but barely living.
< >
"Mashi"
"Hmm?"
"Why do you adore the stars so much?"
In a world of darkness, look at the stars.
In his entirety of existence, he was always thrown into an endless pit of life full of darkness – his inescapable past, his never-ending problems, his eerie thoughts, all of it. His life was never as perfect as the main character's in a story book. It was almost as if he was living in that dark pit all throughout his life.
The only thing keeping him out of the dark is the light and hope he can see from the stars whenever he looks up at them. The stars, despite being kept in the dark, still shine brightly and continue thriving in the darkness. Mashiho badly wanted to be like them. The stars are his only saving grace.
"Because they're beautiful. Just like you."
< >
The sun has risen and then set afterwards. A new day has begun, and the night has already passed.
Mashiho always felt relieved when he gazed at the stars. The admiration in his eyes whenever he looks up at them is unlike any other material thing that he stares at from far away.
Especially now that Junkyu is among them.
Junkyu never felt genuine happiness in his life until the day he became one with the stars. He became a twinkling light and a burst of hope for Mashiho. He shines only for him and nothing else.
The stars aren't his saving grace. Junkyu is.
Mashiho looked up at the sky and smiled.
He is finally free.
Junkyu finally overcame his fear.