Chapter Text
Chat Noir faced the back of Ladybug's head for what seemed like hours. Truthfully, it was probably a few minutes. The air was thick and the few feet between them felt like miles at this point. Something was definitely wrong. And everything hurt.
Everything hurt and nothing made sense at all.
Breath.
He reached a weak hand towards her but dropped it when he saw her shoulders tense. Could she sense his hand?
Closer. Come closer.
Wait. Don't.
He felt a sickening pull in his chest.
Maybe it was the weight of the past week pulling on his heart. The week that Marinette didn't show up to school because he idiotically decided to flirt with her as a superhero instead of himself. The day he heard her painful cries and he couldn't do anything to console her because as much as it hurt to turn her down, he knew he had to; She didn't really love him. Not anymore at least. She was just a fan of Chat Noir. And it hurt to his core to know he could have had her all that time she loved him as Adrien. When did she stop? Why did she stop?
And now the claw shaped indents in his palms were starting to throb. He felt his throat tighten. His heart was already hurting from Marinette, why was Ladybug making it hurt too? Why wasn't she talking to him? Why didn't she say anything to him all week? And why did it still hurt like this when he was so certain that Marinette had stolen his heart? He loved her- he really loved her. He wished he could hold her hand in this moment actually. And yet...
His whole body ached for Ladybug. He wanted- no- needed her to say something. Wasn't she supposed to be his friend? Isn't a friend someone who is there for you when you're hurting? Because just about every square inch of him was hurting at this point, and she certainly wasn't helping.
Not that it was her fault, really. Was it his fault?
He fidgeted with his thumbs to prevent further damage to his palms. As he began backing away from her, he heard a soft choke, barely audible to anyone lacking super-cat-strength hearing.
He thought he was imagining things when he saw her turn around to face him at last; the light of the moon catching her eyes, creating a blue glow in the space between them. Without a word, she stepped closer-close enough for him to see the rest of her face. His heart shattered.
Her face was streaked with tears.
"You're crying" he whispered. His voice came out more broken than he intended. He couldn't stand seeing her like that. She was hurting. She was crying. What made her feel like this-who made her feel like this? His chest burned and his body took over, closing more distance between them. She was so close now that he could feel her strained breathes on his face. She said nothing.
"What's wrong?" He reached a gloved hand to her face but she turned away. He lowered it. He'd never cross a boundary with her.
"I don't think I can be your friend Chat Noir- a-at least not right now" She folded her arms.
Ouch.
"It's just-" she started
"I don't get it!" He interrupted suddenly. "Just the other day you-" His breath hitched.
"I know-I know what I said Chat but-but I just don't think I can take it." Her voice was careful and shook slightly.
Breath.
"Remember when you loved me and I kept telling you to stop- and I kept telling you I loved someone else?" Her eyes tried meeting his but failed eventually.
What? She was done with him, because of his mistakes in the past? His throat tightened again. Her lower jaw was trembling now and he had the strongest urge to kiss it until it stopped. Wait-
"Ladybug I stopped! I promised I would stop for you and I did! I don't understand-" A pause
"Exactly!” She cried
What?
“what?” His voice calmed.
“You stopped! and I didn’t know it would suck when you stopped!” She was nearly shouting.
He was truly lost.
“I didn’t know I would hate it when you stopped loving me. And-and I didn't realize- I never admitted to myself that I—“ She took a choked breath and more tears pooled in her eyes. "And I'm such a hypocrite because I can't believe I ever made you feel like this" She rubbed at her eyes: a weak attempt at masking her tears.
He cocked his head in confusion. "Feel like..this?" he gestured to her. He wasn't quite understanding what she was getting at.
"Yes-like-like everything hurts. Like looking at you hurts- working with you hurts- how can I stand here and act like I don’t…like I don’t…” she purses her lips and huffed.
“Gosh even being around you right now is painful" She was gasping between words.
Working with me is painful? When did she make me feel like this? When was working with her ever-
Oh.
Oh.
"Ever since I saw you standing there next to me that night. The night I thought I had nothing left- when-when I thought Monarch stole everything from me. You were standing there with me and it just hit me that-" She wiped more tears away. "It just hit me that I had no miraculous left, I had no team b-but I had you and that meant everything. That-that you were everything to me."
The world felt like it stopped turning. He wanted to be angry with her. He wanted to shout 'YOU TOLD ME TO MOVE ON' right in her face. His fists began clenching again.
breath.
But how could he? How could he do that when he hurt her? How could he do that when all he wanted to do was hold her and apologize until he ran out of breath. How could he have not noticed that he'd been hurting her? He couldn't stand the idea of her in pain..
And why was the fact that she was in love with him sending airplane sized butterflies into his stomach?
His blinked and sent himself back to reality. The one where she was in pain. He needed to stop her pain. His mind raced between holding her and respecting her space. Would that just make things worse?
His arms burned for her as she choked. He felt the edges of his own lids burning. How did he let this slip right past him? His heart practically lurched towards her- towards his lady.
No. His friend.
His friend…
wait.
that hurt.
he didn’t want to be her friend. He wanted to be more.
Oh, Who was he kidding, he still loved her.
Despite everything that had recently changed, his heart couldn't ever stop beating for her.
But how?
How could he love.. both of them.
"And I'm just such a hypocrite because I did this to you for so long. It's what I deserve right? It's what I get for not realizing how in love with you I was. How in love with you I've been for so long. How in love with you I am….and I just-didn't know...I didn't process... And-and now" Suddenly her breathes became hiccups and she broke into sobs. She buried her face in her hands.
How in love with you I was.
How in love with you I’ve been.
How in love with you I am.
Her words swam through his thoughts like a never ending current. He couldn’t resist the pull.
"M'lady.." He placed his hands on her shoulders and pulled her into his chest. She shuddered against him.
With that he wrapped his arms around her tightly. He felt her arms reaching around him desperately, as if she needed it.
In all honesty, he needed it too. Her sobs increased. His hands trailed up and down her back in an attempt to soothe her.
“M’lady” he spoke into the top of her head.
"Don't call me that" She hiccuped into his neck.
"Why?" He protested softly.
She pulled away for a moment and looked into his eyes. Her own burning through him with something he couldn't even put words to. "Because you don't want me to be that anymore- you don't-you don't love me" She blinked as he leaned towards her.
"But- I do" He whispered against her lips.
A surprised sound escaped her lips. He watched as her eyes blinked in surprise.
“How could I not? How could I ever not love you?” His voice shook.
Because despite his heart pulling him towards Marinette and ladybug at the same time, he somehow felt it all going in the same direction- and that was right in front of him.
Without even thinking clearly, he leaned in closer.
So close.
“Can I?” He had to ask.
“please” she barely responded before he closed the gap.
and suddenly…
Soft.
S he was so soft.
So wonderfully soft.
He felt her tears on his face. Maybe they were his, he didn't care. He just kissed her. And kissed her and kissed her and - wait were they moving?
Her hands danced through his hair and he lost himself in her hold. In her lips. He felt her melt into him and it was something he wanted to last forever.
I love you. I really love you.
One of his hands trailed down to her lower back and pulled her closer. He was growing desperate.
Stay close.
Don’t go.
She was the first to break the kiss. "You still love me? But what about-" Her voice trailed off as she bit her lip. She turned her face towards his free hand that somehow ended up pressed on the wall she was against. When did he back her into wall?
He looked away. Marinette.
"I love you. I never stopped loving you M'lady. I couldn't. But I feel so lost because I hurt you. Right after I hurt her.." He closed his eyes. "I don't deserve you"
"You hurt that civilian girl? The one that you-you love?" She spoke slowly and carefully. Trying to hide how bitter the words tasted in her mouth.
"Yeah.. Marinette. She-she doesn't really love me. She doesn't really know me. She just thinks she loves me because I'm a superhero. So I had to reject her. Even if I do really have feelings for her. I couldn't take advantage of a fan like that." His shoulders drooped.
"Marinette?" Something changed in Ladybug's eyes. Her mouth stayed slightly parted and he thought about kissing her again but decided it was best to keep talking.
"Yes. And it doesn't make any sense. Because turning her down was nearly impossible. It hurt so much. But now seeing you like this- and hearing how you feel- I- It feels like every part of me is on fire- It feels like every part of me loves you, M'lady. But how do two separate people have my heart? It doesn't make any sense. And you don't deserve to feel like this. I don't deserve you at all." He lowered his forehead onto hers. Somehow still unable to move away from her.
"Oh kitty." She breathed. He felt it move the hairs on his mask.
She was quiet for a while, calculating.
"If I tell you something will you promise to stay transformed?" Her voice suddenly calmed.
"Yes, of course. But what are-" He started
"Because if I do this, then it's really important that I don't learn your identity- at least not yet. It'd be really reckless if we both knew" She giggled nervously.
If we both knew?
"Lady-"
"Spots off" The words hit him like a clap of thunder.
He felt the rush of magic surround her like a small gust of wind. She was glowing pink and then suddenly she was
Marinette.
It felt like seeing the sunlight after the rain.
All of the sudden, nothing hurt and everything made sense.
She did know him. She did love him. She just fell for him twice… just like he did.
His heart pulled towards her because there was only ever one girl. Only one hero. He had one heart and it was entirely her's.
He felt like collapsing. He settled on leaning against her forehead instead. He was shaking- or no- she was shaking. Maybe they both were.
"Told you I was a really really big fan" Her coy smirk earned a chuckle from the feline hero.
"You tease" He smiled feeling his heart beat through his chest. "All this time- wooing me on your balcony- taking me on moonlit dates in secret. Very risky."
She lightly slapped his arm "so you're not mad?" she closed her eyes and nuzzled her forehead against his. Their hands found each other in the space between them.
"Not in the slightest." He trailed a free hand lightly up and down her arm. "Only slightly frustrated that I can't share my own identity" He thought of how unbelievably ironic the situation would be if he had.
"For now" She reassured.
"For now" he repeated.
They stayed like that for what could have been hours. Or minutes. He wasn't sure. He didn't care. He didn't even care that he couldn't tell her who he was. Not yet at least. For now, this was perfect. This made sense.
They made sense.
And they were no longer hurting.