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The sound of the television became nothing but a mere background noise after those news were delivered. This wasn’t what he thought Changbin had in mind when they talked that day, because if he’d known he’d end up blaming himself as a way of redeeming his mistakes, he would’ve tried to talk him out of the idea.
Suddenly, a name popped into his head and, almost as if he’d telepathically called him, the doorbell rang forcing him out of his thoughts.
“Felix,” Chan called, but was immediately cut off by the contrary’s lips colliding against his.
It was quick, so quick Chan only realised what was happening when they had already reached the couch in the living room. Soon, the taste of his lips became salty and that feeling of self hatred he’d felt the first time Felix had found comfort in his arms returned.
“Let’s calm down, please,” Chan pulled apart, pausing to sink in the view in front of him. Eyes as red as his cheeks, a pout that clearly wasn’t because of the kiss, and tears that seemed to be endless, “Are you ok?”
This was the first time Chan laid eyes on Felix after everything that had happened. And it was fucking heartbreaking. The sun he’d fallen in love with had now turned gray; his eyes were lost and empty, he looked pale and tired.
“I thought you wanted this,” he muttered.
“I do, but… You’re not, you don’t look like you want this,” he tried to caress his hair, but Felix quickly moved away and stood up from the couch.
“Fuck this, then!”
Felix stormed out and Chan could only stare at the door. This wasn’t how he’d pictured his first kiss with Lee Felix would be like. Inside his fantasy a revelation of some sort of way had always been involved, either Felix realising how much he actually loved him or anything of that nature. But he’d never imagined it would end up being a new-love-drives-out-old-love type of kiss after a chaotic breakup.
And he really, really didn’t want it to be like that.
He also didn’t want to lose Felix, especially now that he was dealing with the aftermath of what had happened. And so, even if he wasn’t too sure about it, Chan called him the next day, not even expecting an explanation or an apology of some sort, just hoping that yesterday’s events would be swept under the rug.
“Please don’t call me again,” Chan remained silent on the other side of the line before Felix spoke again, “And let’s not meet again… please.”
It was confusing, to say the least. But he had no other option than to agree to his terms since he didn’t want him to push him further away.
A sigh escaped him as he locked his phone and placed it inside his pocket again. If any outsider observed the scene, they would instantly assume Chan was being pushy in order to obtain what he’d always desired. But they would be wrong.
Chan loved Felix, yes. However in the course of these years, he’d also become a good friend, his companion, and most probably the only person he could have a genuine talk with. Someone who he now needed a lot too since school (and his personal life) had been nothing but complete chaos.
For weeks, Chan continued going to school as if nothing had happened, as if people weren’t talking about the situation all the time, as if people weren’t assuming things and coming up with crazier things that never happened and believing them. But no matter how much he pretended, it wasn’t how it used to be. Changbin wasn’t there, picking up a fight with him for talking to his boyfriend and neither Jeongin and Hyunjin were there with Felix.
His last semester was supposed to be something enjoyable, but instead, he was always met with questions regarding the incident from people he hadn’t even seen before. Consequently, Chan was asked by the school to attend counseling and to keep them informed in case any student tried to harass information out of him.
One day, as he was about to head out from the school’s office, Chan spotted a known figure and decided to approach.
“Haven’t seen you in a while,” he pointed out with a soft smile, “How you’ve been doing?”
Hyunjin sighed, “It’s hard… being one of the only few who lived it, isn’t it? How’s Felix doing?”
“He, um, I haven’t talked to him since Changbin. He asked me not to call him again,” he muttered the last sentence.
“Why?”
Chan simply shrugged.
“Maybe it’s too much, but,” he paused to grab a pen and a post-it note, then proceeded to write a number on it, “His parent’s phone number, so you can check on him. And please tell me if he ever thinks of doing something stupid.”
He took what had been handed to him with a smile, “Thanks. So, what’s next for you?”
“Trying again, I guess,” Hyunjin said with a smile before walking out of the building.
Honestly, he wished nothing but good things to him; to everyone that had been immersed in this mess, actually. Yes, everyone was guilty of something, but none of them deserved this outcome.
With nothing but pure doubts, Chan dialed the number, but before he could press the call button, his contact name popped up on his screen. For a moment, his finger hovered over that green button, wondering if this call would end up messing up what was left of their relationship.
“Can we meet?” Felix asked as soon as Chan answered.
“I’ll pick you up at noon.”
The call ended.
It was brief, but with those few seconds, Chan confirmed to himself that he was still a fool for Lee Felix. So it wasn’t a surprise that he’d fallen for it again after he picked him up at noon. He couldn’t resist him, even if he had now become cloudy, for him, he was still the love of his life.
Felix’s touch under his shirt sent shivers down his spine and, as a consequence, Chan deepened the kiss. Completely controlled by his desire, Chan ran his hands through his body as his lips travelled to his neck.
He loved him profoundly.
Nothing mattered because he’d always wanted this. It didn’t matter that they were still outside Felix’s parent’s house nor that the tarnished windows would give them away if any of them happened to look out to the street.
But then again, his fantasy ended quickly and in the most heartbreaking way possible.
“They want me to testify at his trial,” Felix spat out, his lips still red and swollen from their make out session.
Chan remained silent for a moment before inquiring, “Will you do it?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he said.
“I want to. I just… I don’t want to see him again. I don’t know if I can see him again. What if I fuck it up?” Felix asked.
“You won’t. I’ll be by your side,” he said firmly, trying to meet the contrary’s eyes, but failing, “If you allow me.”
Felix took a deep breath, and after it, complete silence followed. Then, almost as if he’d ignored what he’d said, he got out of the car, leaving Chan alone at the same place their drive that never started had begun.
Maybe he shouldn’t have said that, Chan wondered to himself for about a month or so. Maybe Felix didn’t need him as much as he did because if he’d wanted that help he’d offered, he would’ve called again. Maybe he managed to do it all by himself.
That was a good thing, right?
That last phrase lingered inside his thoughts longer than he would’ve liked until one day, he received a text from him, stating that he’ll be testifying on thursday. And without giving it a second thought, Chan answered, saying that he’ll pick him up and be there for him. It was the least he could do for him. Felix was about to talk in great detail about the moments that had hurt him the most while seeing Changbin’s face for the first time after the affair was uncovered, so being there for him was a must.
Thursday came quicker than expected, and Chan attributed it to his nervousness which was then heavily calmed down after Felix confessed he’d asked the judge not to be in the same room as Changbin. However, as much as that made things better, Chan was still aware that things might get ugly.
The questions started off pretty normal; his age, his name, and all of those protocol questions. Then, what he feared the most, those tough questions regarding his relationship with Changbin.
“So according to the information that you gave to the detectives, you dated Seo Changbin for four years, is that correct?”
“Yes,” Felix answered.
“And in those years you happened to never find out about the Lee Minho, Han Jisung, and Kim Seungmin situation,” the lawyer pondered, “I find that pretty hard to believe.”
“He’s always been secretive.”
“Is that why it was so easy for him to hide his affair with Hwang Hyunjin and the fact that he almost murdered someone?” Felix stared at the lawyer, lacking any good response, “Why do you think he rather hurt Lee Minho instead of breaking up with you and confessing that he’d fallen for your best friend? Was he always violent?”
Felix could feel his eyes burning and the knot on his throat growing. He knew that if he opened his mouth he would cry, but he also knew that had to be brave.
He shook his head almost frantically before he began to explain, “N-no. He was never violent. He’d always been sweet and loving, but that was the way he was. H-he just… never actually stopped to wonder how his actions might affect everyone around him. Changbin isn’t a bad guy.”
After hearing how his voice broke and those loud sobs after he finished answering the lawyer’s question, Chan wanted to pause it all and hug the pain away from him. But the only thing he could do was to simply observe from afar silently.
Felix’s testimony ended before due to the judge’s order. According to them, he wasn’t in a state to continue and what he’d said had been more than enough.
Chan didn’t ask anything after it, either.
He simply walked beside him and drove him back home silently giving him enough time to ponder about this situation too.
Was this love really impossible after all?
“Thank you,” Felix muttered as soon as Chan parked out of his parent’s house.
Chan just hummed in acknowledgement, fully aware that if he even dared to glance at him, he would lose. But he was weak, and that something he was trying to avoid, won. And so, Chan placed his hand on Felix’s chin and approached for a kiss he knew he’d regret. A kiss so slow and so delicate it couldn’t even be labeled as a peck on the lips.
“Sorry. I was being selfish,” he muttered, averting his gaze.
However, before Chan could move further away, Felix caressed his cheek. And for those brief seconds where they stared at each other from up close as their breaths collided, Chan could only hope Felix would kiss him.
But that didn’t happen. At least not the way he’d thought of. Instead, Chan is met with a kiss on his cheek and teary eyes.
“I was being selfish too, Channie. I love you, but I can’t stop thinking about him,” he smiled tenderly before exiting the car and walking into his parent’s house.
Two months went by after those words; about eight weeks since he last saw Felix, and with that bittersweet taste, his last semester at SNU was over.
He was glad he’d finally concluded this chapter that had cost him so much, but he couldn’t help but wonder how different it would’ve been if none of that situation had happened. Maybe Felix would be here with him, of course joined by a jealous Changbin; Jeongin and Hyunjin would also definitely be here because they were always together with him.
A sudden urge to call Felix invaded him, but was immediately stopped by a friend of his: “Don’t let it ruin your big day,” he’d said, as if it was really that simple.
They wouldn’t understand.
The uncertainty the future held now that his life had changed so abruptly was overwhelming, but honestly, his friend was right. Even if it concerned him, he needed to start seeing what his future might look like. Therefore, Chan spent his free time in search of companies he could work at. None of them had seemed interesting enough for him to actually send his information until he spotted that advertisement: an Australian company was looking for recently graduated students.
He’d heard of that place before and even visited it for vacations when he was a child, but now, as he saw those videos and photos, his interest peaked. Leaving South Korea had never even crossed his mind because he knew what it implied, however the words of his friends, once again.
“He’s not over him yet, he told you,” they always said.
“You can’t spend your life chasing him,” they reminded him.
Australia sounded nice, but leaving him didn’t.
Frantic knocks on his door forced him out of his thoughts, so hurriedly, he opened the door only to be met by a pair of hands cupping his face and lips colliding against his. For a second, refusing it crossed his mind, but he wanted him, so he did nothing else but follow along until they reached his bed.
Chan fell on top of Felix, then took off the latter’s shirt before continuing to deliver hungry kisses all over his lips and neck, then moved onto his chest and abdomen before returning back to his lips. In one swift movement, Chan took off his shirt then pulled Felix from his waist closer to him and the growing bulge he had under his pants. His moans and airy breaths against his neck were addictive so Chan began grinding against Felix’s until his pace started to become sloppier.
“Binnie,” he moaned and Chan quickly moved away dumbfounded.
Both were well aware of the name that had been called out just a couple of seconds ago, but didn't want to acknowledge it, so they simply stared at each other, still trying to regain rhythm of their breaths.
“I’m sorry,” Felix finally broke the silence. Chan nodded, then proceeded to put on his shirt and toss Felix his, “Do you hate me?”
He shook his head before walking up to his laptop to continue doing what he’d been doing before Felix had knocked on his door.
“Australia?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“Y-you’re leaving?” Felix sounded hurt.
“I’m thinking about it,” he didn’t even spare him a glance.
Chan could feel Felix’s presence behind him staring at each and every tab he had open. Australian visa, videos of the place, the ad for the job, and all of those things he didn’t want him to see.
“Don’t!” Felix yelled and Chan finally turned around to face him only to encounter tears, “You can’t leave me! You’re so fucking selfish for even thinking about it!”
Chan stood up after the accusation, eyebrows furrowed and teary eyes, “Selfish!? Are you even hearing yourself right now, Felix? You’re the one that’s been coming over unannounced, kissing me, then telling me non stop that you still love your ex boyfriend! How the fuck am I the selfish one here!?”
“I’m trying! I’m fucking trying, Christopher!” Felix yelled before bursting into loud sobs that he attempted and failed to cover behind his small hands.
“I know that, but there’s only so much I can put up with, Felix,” Chan sounded calmer.
“Four years. I thought I was the person who knew him best for four years. It’s hard to trust again,” Felix whispered the last part and Chan wondered if he’d done that to avoid sobbing again, “You’re the only certain thing in my life right now. I can’t watch you leave too. What if you like it too much?”
“Then we’ll move there,” Chan spat out before he could even process what he’d said.
“Huh?”
“Let’s move away,” he voiced, this time confidently, “We can manage it. I’ll work and you can study there. We have nothing else to lose.”
Felix stared at him lovingly and inquired, “Why haven’t you given up on me?”
“Because I truly love you, Felix,” Chan reached out for the contrary’s hands, earning a smile in return. A hopeful smile that gave Chan a glimpse of that sunshine he’d fallen in love with.
Things seemed to be better after that for a couple of months, Chan applied for the job as Felix searched for universities he could revalidate his studies at easily; together, they searched for places to live: houses, apartments, anything. He was getting better, or so he thought, until they received the news. A two years sentence in prison was the best deal his lawyer could get him after using Minho’s involuntary psych ward hospitalization and Felix’s testimony in favour. And yet again, almost as if it was a routine, Felix crumbled right next to Chan.
“We were together for longer, so maybe he won’t feel like it was too much,” he said between tears and Chan could only embrace him in a tight hug that seemed to be the only thing that managed to keep his heart’s pieces together.
The most hurtful thing about this was that that same day, just a couple of minutes before the verdict on Changbin’s case was given, Chan had received an email stating that he’d gotten the job in Australia.
During the next week, Chan lost all contact with Felix, and though it was understandable after those news, he couldn’t help but to wonder if everything that they’d planned for the past months would just remain as that: a plan and nothing else.
Aware that he couldn’t put his life on hold any longer, Chan continued to prepare himself for the biggest change in his life. His suitcase was half done, his plane tickets had already been bought, and every other small detail was ready or at least halfway ready for the big day.
Except for one detail.
Chan unlocked his phone, expecting a call or a text message from him. But instead, he was met with a knock on his door. Hurriedly, he opened the door only to be met with Felix’s face hidden behind a letter. An acceptance letter.
“You were accepted,” Chan said once realisation sank in.
Felix nodded with a huge smile on his face before approaching him for a hug, “I’ll start in a couple of months, so that means you’ll have to put up with me in Australia too.”
He laughed, not letting go of the hug, “I’ll manage it.”
Chan was a fool for Felix, everybody knew that. So even if it was as friends, he was happy to share this fresh start with him. It would do them good because even if Felix still looked cloudy and gray sometimes, he was slowly starting to become a bright sunshine again.