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Their first kiss is choregraphed.
The intimacy coordinator has placed one of Edvin’s hand on his shirt and another one at the base of his neck. Their lips touch for one, two, three seconds, before parting.
Omar feels awkward. He doesn’t have Edvin’s experience in acting and he is desperate to do it right. The director has told him to relax, but there is a lingering stiffness he cannot seem to shake off.
“Okay, stop, thank you guys” the director says. Omar and Edvin immediately take a step back, putting a reasonable distance between them. “We’re gonna do this again. Omar, once Evdin touches you, you gotta relax. I need you to melt into his touch, okay?”
He nods, taking a deep breath to help himself loosen up.
“Omar, how are you feeling?” asks their intimacy coordinator, a woman with short blond hair and kind eyes.
“I’m good.”
“Okay, you tell me if you feel uncomfortable. This is only the first rehearsal, if you need to take it slower, we can.”
Omar thanks her and reassures her once again. He knows he is lucky to be making his debut with such a caring team. Everyone on set is thoughtful and has done everything to make him feel comfortable. Now, he wants to show them that they made the right choice in hiring him.
He looks at Edvin, who seems perfectly at ease. Edvin is almost 5 years younger than him, but when they are on set, he carries himself with such confidence that sometimes Omar feels like he is the younger one. Growing up in the film industry has made him mature much faster.
After the first casting they did together, they immediately clicked and started hanging out. He is happy he got to know him before rehearsals started. He has been helpful, telling him what to expect and giving him advice on how to prepare. He also feels less impressed playing alongside such an experienced actor knowing how he is like outside of work.
As if he could read his mind, Edvin pulls a funny face at him, making Omar chuckle.
He can do it. They have done three scenes already and the director seemed happy with his performance. There is no reason kissing should be harder. With renewed confidence, he tells the crew he is ready.
Before long, they are kissing again. It is technical. Despite what they are enacting, they feel no passion. Instead, there is a sense of safety and trust. It’s all they need.
Their first kiss as themselves happens when they are drunk.
To celebrate the end of the shooting of the first season, the producers have thrown a big party for the cast and crew. Omar and Edvin have spent the whole night pretending to flirt. They got into this habit fairly early on in the shooting, but tonight with the alcohol and the nostalgia ready to creep in, they took it up a notch. After the first drink, Omar decided to call Edvin, Wille babey, which Edvin reciprocated by calling him Simme babey. The rest of the team may roll their eyes at them but they can’t hide their endearment for the boys’ friendship.
At 2 am, Omar is sitting comfortably on the couch next to Edvin, feeling dizzy and barely listening to the conversation. He has a vague understanding that people around him are discussing sexual orientations and male attractiveness, which is a topic he would have liked to weight in if he wasn’t already busy vibing with the music.
“I don’t buy straight guys who pretend that they don’t find any man attractive” says Elias, their make-up artist.
Omar doesn’t hear Edvin’s reply, his attention immediately caught by the voice of Cardi B rapping the first verse of WAP. His head bobbing from side to side, he mouths the song along with her.
Seconds later, he is snapped back to the conversation by the mention of his name.
“Some men are just so attractive that they can turn on even straight men. Like Omar, don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy kissing him.”
Omar raises his eyebrows taken aback by Elias’ compliment.
“When you’re acting, it’s not like that. You’re too focused on doing everything right, you can’t enjoy it.” Edvin replies rationally, not at all fazed by the comment.
Omar’s attention is now fully on the discussion.
“Then you should try it once without the camera rolling.”
To his surprise, Edvin looks like he is thinking about it.
“You want to know if you could enjoy kissing a guy, well Omar is the perfect candidate” Elias argues.
Omar thinks the argument is truly unconvincing. He really doesn’t see why he would be the perfect candidate, but Edvin seems to agree as he finally replies “yeah, maybe”.
The two are not paying any attention to him, talking as if Omar was not right next to them. His mouth slightly agape matches the frown on his eyebrows. He feels mildly offended by their lack of consideration for his own opinion on the matter.
“Hm guys, shouldn’t I have a say in this too?” he interjects.
Elias chuckles, amused by his angry little frown. Edvin turns towards him, still as chill as ever.
“Well, what do you think? Can I kiss you?”
His instinctive reaction is to say no. When you’re gay, you don’t kiss your straight guy friends. That’s a rule he learned pretty early on in his teenage years. They may seem tolerant, even be okay with fake flirting, but there is always a line that you can’t cross without threatening their sense of masculinity. Then it all becomes uncomfortable. You don’t ever go back from crossing the line. Of course, he knows Edvin is different from the assholes he met in the past. He is the kindest human being. He always tries so hard to be a good person, a good friend. He wouldn’t push Omar away for simply agreeing to kiss him.
Besides, Omar is drunk and he hasn’t kissed anyone in a while. To be honest, he finds Edvin quite good-looking. He has blond locks that frame his face like a fairy-tale prince. He also has high cheekbones and a charming smile. It’s probably the alcohol taking over, but now that he is thinking about it, he would really like to kiss him.
“Now?” he asks, unsure.
“Yeah?” Edvin says, showing also a hint of uncertainty now that it looks like Omar might agree.
“Okay.”
“Okay”, he repeats after him.
But Edvin doesn’t move. He gazes at Omar, slightly tense, waiting for him to do something. Slowly, Omar leans towards him, giving him time to back out if he wants. When their faces are only a few centimetres away, he whispers “Are you sure?”. Edvin just nods, his eyes already falling onto the other boy’s lips.
Omar closes the gap. A spark of desire burgeons in his chest as his hand comes up to grab Edvin’s face. The boy parts his lips, inviting him to deepen the kiss. Within seconds, they are fully making out. It is messy. Nothing like what they did before. He feels like he is sucking and licking at the same time and it is still not enough. It has never felt this good. There is no one telling them to slow down. There is also no one telling them when to stop.
Despite his drunken state, Omar has the presence of mind to back away when he feels arousal in his lower stomach. Instinctively, Edvin chases his lips, before he finally accepts to let go. Opening his eyes, he looks at Omar with ragged breath. His lips are raw and his hair completely ruined. He is a sight. This is really not helping Omar.
“Well I don’t even need to ask you if you enjoyed this one”, Elias teases with a mischievous grin.
The two boys look at each other a little embarrassed by their enthusiasm. It doesn’t last long though, as they both start laughing. Alcohol can make you do ridiculous things sometimes. The tension is completely gone when Edvin puts his arm around him and his head on his shoulder in a friendly embrace.
Their first kiss sober is as a soft as a brush.
It happens a year later. The series has been renewed for a second season and they have resumed shooting two weeks ago.
Omar is incredibly happy to be back with everyone. When he arrived on set on the first day, Edvin hugged him and swirled him around as if they hadn’t seen each other in a year. It was all a little bit overdramatic considering that they both see each other in Stockholm at least once a week and text every day. He has to admit though that it is nice to spend all his time with Edvin again. Since shooting the first season they have grown even closer. Edvin is his best friend, his person.
At first, Omar thought it would make shooting the intimate scenes awkward. He realised however, that it was the opposite. They are used to touching and hugging and they are so in tune that they can easily appease the other’s discomfort whenever necessary.
Despite the good atmosphere, the days on set are long. They usually start early in the morning and finish late in the evening.
This shooting session in particular is exhausting because they have to film at night. Waiting for their turn to shoot, Malte, Edvin and him sneak into one of Hillerska’s bedroom to play video games on the Switch. After ten consecutive victories for Malte, one of the crew members finds them and puts an end to this humiliation.
“Finally, you guys are here! Malte, you need to go to costuming, we’re gonna shoot your scene with Frida.” Malte gets up and throws at them an ironic “good game guys” (to which Omar replies by sticking out his tongue) before leaving the room.
“You two should get some rest. We’ll call for you in an hour. We’re wrapping up with your scene.” The assistant says, already closing the door behind her.
Omar does feel tired. It is way past midnight and he wouldn’t say no to a quick nap. He puts the Switch on the night table, then tugs at Edvin’s arm to make him lie down with him. The other boy chuckles a bit at the way he is manhandling him. Once he deems Edvin to be in the right position, he lays next to him and throws an arm across his chest.
“You’re tired?” Edvin asks.
He answers with a small hum. He has already closed his eyes, only minutes away from falling asleep. Edvin’s soft fingers come to play with his hair, lulling him to sleep even more. Slowly, they reach his face. With the tip of his index finger, he traces patterns on his skin. He circles his features, goes down the bridge of his nose and up the line of his jaw. The motion is soothing and Omar wishes he could stay in this semi-awake state to keep feeling it. Chasing Edvin’s comfort and warmth, he comes closer, pressing his body to his. Unfortunately, this causes the other boy to stop his strokes.
“Keep going please” Omar whispers.
Edvin’s fingers are back on his skin, tracing the outline of his ear. Then he approaches his face resting his front on Omar’s. He tickles his nose with the tip of his own, drawing a smile from him. They stay like this for a few minutes and Omar has almost fallen asleep when Edvin starts kissing his face. His lips lay on his nose first, then his front. Delicately, he kisses both of his closed eyelids and travels back to his cheeks and his chin. Edvin lingers on his lips, seeming to hesitate for a second before kissing them too.
Omar is surprised at how natural it feels, like a continuation of all the other touches they have shared. They have been asked to kiss so many times in the past few days that their boundaries were pushed back.
A warmth settles in his stomach. The kiss feels like hot chocolate in winter, warming him from within.
Edvin goes back to putting his front against his and rubbing their noses together. Bringing his chin forward, Omar catches his lips again. For a long time, they breath into each other, laying light kisses on the other’s mouth every once in a while.
Omar doesn’t know when he falls asleep. He wakes up pressed against Edvin’s chest, both of the other boy’s arms wrapped around his body. The assistant has come back and is telling Edvin to wake him up. Edvin’s embrace feels protective, as if he wants to shield him from the intrusion.
Omar moves causing him to loosen his grip.
“We have to be at costuming in 10 minutes” Edvin tells him.
Good, they have 5 more minutes to cuddle. Throwing his arms around him, he pushes him back on the bed. Edvin chuckles, happy to oblige. After a few minutes, that feel like mere seconds, Edvin pulls away slightly.
“We should go now.”
Omar pouts.
“Quit being cute, we really have to go.”
For one second, Edvin gazes at his lips, as if he wants to give him one last kiss, but he renounces and gets out of bed. He offers his hand to help him stand up and they are both on their way, unaware of how much their relationship has changed in only an hour.
Their first grandiose true love kiss remains in his head.
Since that night on set, things have been different between them. There is an added electricity every time they touch. Omar cannot count the number of times he has caught Edvin looking at his lips. Whenever he hugs him, puts a hand on his arm or tells him goodbye, it seems like Edvin is inches away from turning it into something more.
Omar also desperately wants something to happen, but he thinks he does a better job at hiding it.
Because they cannot just do this. At least not without talking about it first. The problem is, to talk about it, Omar would need to know how he feels and right now all he feels is confusion.
He knows he is attracted to Edvin. There is no point denying it. When he sees strands of hair fall on his face, he wants to run his hand through them and pull them away. Lately, he has also been fantasising about Edvin’s height and how small he would feel underneath him.
He also knows he loves him. He loves how considerate he is and how much he cares about everyone. He loves how confident he is on set and how vulnerable he can be when it’s just the two of them. Mostly, he loves how they get each other, how they laugh about the same things and how they can talk for hours without ever running out of things to say.
Does it mean he is in love with him? Is lust the only difference between friendship and romance?
He doesn’t want to mess this up. Edvin is his absolute favourite person. He can’t just use him to get off because he feels like it. He wouldn’t ever risk hurting him.
So he refrains from acting on his desire. He won’t do anything until he knows how he really feels. He draws a line. No more ambiguous touch, no more kiss that makes things confusing. At some point, Edvin seems to catch up on it. He stops looking at his lips. He stops expecting something.
Omar also starts hooking up with Nurbo again. It helps release the tension, makes him less horny. He thinks about how Nurbo is his friend too and how he is attracted to him but definitely not in love with him. He starts comparing them, hoping it will help him figure it all out.
He doesn’t want to run his hand through Nurbo’s hair but he does fantasize about their size difference. He cares about Nurbo but not like he cares about Edvin. Nurbo feels like his own independent person. He would be sad if he lost him but he would survive. He cannot even imagine losing Edvin. He wonders if that just makes them better friends.
It takes him a while to figure it out, eight months to be precise, but he does eventually. It is on January 23, 2023 that Omar realises he is in love with Edvin.
They have both been invited to the Guldbagge ceremony. Omar is there to present the best original score award with Frida, while Edvin has been nominated in the best actor in a supporting role category for his latest movie.
He knows how proud Edvin is of this particular work. It is his first role in a critically acclaimed movie. He has put all his heart and energy into shaping his character and giving him depth. Omar was often the one to help him study and refine his lines. So it is no surprise to him when Edvin’s name is called as the winner.
He watches him stumble on stage and accept the award with shaky hands. His smile takes on half of his face. He looks happy and so so so handsome. He is standing there in all his glory, a white pearl necklace around his neck and an oversized jacket covering his naked torso. Everyone is applauding him and Omar wants to cry. Because Edvin deserves all of this and even more. Because he is so in love with him. He feels it in his chest, his stomach and his legs. His whole body is about to combust with pride and love.
Edvin doesn’t speak right away. He is looking at the audience, as if searching for someone. When his eyes finally lay on Omar, cheering louder than the whole crowd, he seems to light up even more.
He misses most of Edvin’s speech. In his mind, he is running on stage and kissing him in front of everyone. Unfortunately, he knows he has to wait for the ceremony to be over. It took him eight months to figure out his feelings but waiting two more hours seems like torture. He does it anyway. He sits patiently at his table, trying not to sneak too many glances at Edvin across the room.
When the host finally announces the end of the ceremony, he could not be out of his chair quicker. He races towards Edvin. His plan has one step: going up to him and kissing him senselessly.
He is slowed down by everyone standing up around him but it warms his heart when he sees that Edvin is also struggling to get to him.
They meet in the middle. Edvin is smiling at him, even more handsome than before because now Omar can see him from up close. Without giving it any more thought, Omar leans in. He is stopped in his tracks by Edvin’s arms engulfing him into a hug and lifting him off the ground. In a second, his stomach sinks with the realisation that he cannot kiss him like that. He has no idea how Edvin feels. He has been so focused on his own feelings that he didn’t even think about whether they were reciprocated. Besides, it is Edvin’s big night. He cannot ruin it with an unwanted kiss. Luckily, he is able to quickly collect himself.
“I am so proud of you” he says pressed against his hair.
“I can’t believe I won.”
“You deserve it.”
Other people are coming towards them to congratulate Edvin.
Omar lets himself fade into the background, happy to let his boy take all the light tonight.
Their real first kiss, the one that starts it all, takes place on a normal evening, in the quiet of Omar’s living room.
Now that Omar knows he is in love with Edvin, he has a hard time hiding it. It seems like his feelings are always on the verge of pouring out of him. Every time he sees him, with every look, every smile.
I’m in love with you.
The words are on the tip of his tongue, as if they had a life of their own, ready to leave him behind if he doesn’t hurry up.
His love is so clear that he wonders how he could have ever confused it for friendship. Now he knows the difference. It is not lust. It is the way he wants to be there for all of Edvin’s big moments, and the small ones too, the way he wants to see how he grows old and share a life with him.
He knows Edvin at least has a thing for him. He still remembers how he blushed when he saw him the other week trying on stage outfits. His final pick may have been based on how flustered the other boy was seeing each look.
What he doesn’t know is whether it is a full-blown crush or only a mere curiosity. He does not want to scare him. He should probably keep his line about growing old together for their wedding vows. He should also probably not tell him he is already thinking about their wedding vows.
The week following the ceremony is busy for the two of them. Omar is recording a new album and Edvin is going through two important casting processes. The announcement of the renewal of the series for a third season also takes place a few days after. They manage to see each other to promote the news but they are always surrounded by other people. It’s not an ideal setting to confess his feelings.
After ten days of waiting for the right moment to present itself, he takes matter into his own hands and invites Edvin over for a movie night.
He asks his mother to send him one of the Venezuelan recipes she used to cook for him when he was younger. He feels a bit ridiculous trying to woo Edvin. The other boy already knows he is not a great cook but he still wants to make an effort for him.
Edvin is only fifteen minutes late, which is not too bad for once. He is dressed in comfy pants and a mismatched blue sweater. It is clear he doesn’t know this is supposed to be a special night. Omar feels his anxiety rising when he sees him dressed so casually, while he has spent half an hour choosing the perfect outfit.
“It smells good. Did you cook?” Edvin says with a surprised tone.
Edvin is hugging him and quickly entering the apartment.
“Um yeah. I’m a bit tired of take-out. I’ve been eating that all week.”
He doesn’t need to justify himself but his nervosity is taking over. Edvin doesn’t seem to notice.
“Nice” he says coming closer to the food to see what it is.
He then turns towards Omar who is standing awkwardly next to the counter. He takes a second to smile at him before engulfing him in a hug again. “I’m happy I’m here. I’ve missed our movie nights. We haven’t done that in ages” he says resting his head on Omar’s shoulder.
Omar feels his heart burst with affection.
It’s his boy. He has no reason to be nervous.
“Me too” he replies crossing his arms behind Edvin’s back.
He manages to relax after this.
They eat before putting the movie on. They talk about their week and Edvin asks to listen to the demos for his new album. After one chorus he is already singing along the tracks not caring that he is out of tune and doesn’t know the lyrics. Omar jokingly puts his hand on his mouth to make him stop.
They move to the couch after dinner. Omar is trying to build up the courage to tell him the truth about the invitation, while Edvin is going through the movies on Netflix. He knows he won’t bear two more hours of being close to Edvin without saying anything. He has to talk before the film starts.
Feeling shy, he buries his head in Edvin’s chest. The other boy is probably a bit surprised but he doesn’t hesitate to open his arms so that Omar can lay more comfortably.
“Do you remember when we were filming night scenes for season two and we took a nap in Hillerska’s castle?” he says in a soft voice.
Edvin hums in agreement. Pressed against his chest, Omar can’t gauge his expression. He is not sure if it makes things easier or not.
“We kind of kissed that night.”
Edvin is not moving, even his chest stills.
“Did you… did you ever want to kiss me again after that?”
For a few seconds, Omar stops breathing too, waiting for the answer.
Hearing nothing, he lifts his head up. A crimson flush has crept onto Edvin’s cheeks.
“Um, why are you asking now?”
It’s been eight months. It’s understandable that Edvin is surprised he is finally bringing it up.
“Well, I did. I wanted to kiss you again.”
Edvin’s jaw goes slack, clearly taken aback.
“Really? I thought you didn’t. You were putting distance...”
“Only because I wanted to know how I really felt about you before doing anything.”
He is so close to saying it now. Edvin is staring at him with such intensity that it feels like he can see right through him.
“And how do you feel about me?” Edvin finally says, sounding cautious, like he doesn’t want to be hopeful if it is for nothing.
I’m in love with you. Omar has to bite back the words.
“Like I want to be more than friends, way way more than friends.”
Omar’s heart is racing. It’s out there. He said it and Edvin is not reacting at all. He is seconds away from taking it back and telling him that nothing has to change if he doesn’t want to, when Edvin finally moves. He takes his own face in his hands and grunts.
“It took me so long to get over you.”
Omar feels his stomach twist. Did he take too much time? Is Edvin over him?
“Are you? Over me?” he says nervously.
Edvin raises his head to look at him.
“Not really” he answers in a soft voice, as if admitting defeat.
A smile is taking over Omar’s face.
He suddenly feels light, like he will start floating soon. Edvin likes him back. He could dance right now, or sing. He could write a love song and every line would rhyme with Edvin’s name. He wouldn’t even care if it is cheesy. He could… his reverie is interrupted by Edvin’s voice.
“Are you gonna kiss me now? I’ve been waiting a year.”
There is a hint of desperation in his tone. Omar chuckles, happier than he has ever been.
He grabs his face with both hands, bringing him closer but not immediately closing the gap because he wants to take his time to look at him. He loves his brown eyes, his button nose and his crooked teeth. He loves his face. He loves him. If he doesn’t dare tell him yet, he will show him instead.
But he doesn’t have time to do anything because Edvin’s mouth is already on his. They have kissed many times before, but this one feels like their first. Because they are not holding back anymore. There is honesty in the way Edvin presses against him as if he holds the last breath of oxygen. He is no more hiding behind pretences, allowed to show how much he wants him.
Edvin is not gentle. He grabs and pulls, begging to get his hands on him. Omar is willing to give him everything. And when Edvin pins him down on the couch, determined to take him apart, his mind turns into a litany of the boy’s name.
Omar doesn’t know it, but later into the night, when he is sound asleep naked in the other boy’s arm, the words that he tried to lock inside flutter into Edvin’s ear.
The end