Work Text:
Adam couldn’t believe his bad luck. He had lost a bet with the guys and as a result, was about to register on Farmers Only. Would there even be any men for him to choose from? Did Farmers Only allow same sex matches at all? Well, he was about to find out for sure. God help him.
“Single in the Country?” Adam audibly groaned. One thing he was grateful for is that his friends allowed him to sign up and find a guy by himself. Otherwise this process would have been infinitely more humiliating.
Email address, zip code… Oh! “I’m a man looking for a man”… that’s a good start. At least he didn’t need to create a female account anymore. Enter age, 32, sign up… Done! Now all he needed was to fill out some basic information about himself and hope there was someone, anyone, he wouldn’t completely hate and could survive a date with.
Okay, “About you” —
Profile headline: Funny. Weird. In a band. (He was really out of ideas.)
About yourself:
From LA. Staying in Nashville for a bit trying to get some recordings made with my band. Not very farmer or country, but I’ve done some occasional 4 wheeling, paintball, know who Dolly Parton is, and also hate Bambi, so we are not all that different. Looking for a cute guy with progressive views who will not leave me to die in a ditch after our date. I’m 6 feet btw.
Your habits and lifestyle:
Type of relationship - any.
Religion - Jewish.
Ethnicity - Caucasian.
Smoker - socially.
Drinking - yes frequently.
Marital status - single.
Employment - musician.
Education - high school.
Children - no.
He added three of his most recent pics. Well, that would have to do.
“Your match” —
Between the age of 30 and 40.
Located in Tennessee.
Only show profiles with photos - check.
Order results by Most recently online.
Desired relationships - no preference.
Smoking - no preference.
Drinking - yes frequently. (Adam didn’t want to be stuck with a teetotaller for an unspecified number of hours, thank you very much.)
Body type - no preference.
Marital status - single, divorced. (Why not?)
Children - no. (NO! His nieces and nephews already made for too many children in his life.)
Ethnicity - no preference.
Religion - no preference.
Education - no preference. (It’s not like he’s graduated college himself.)
He’s done all he could, now it was up to the Algorithm. He clicked Search.
Found: 19 users.
Well, that could’ve gone a lot worse.
Online: 7 users.
Better that nothing.
He started checking out their profiles.
***
Blake had no idea what he was doing on Farmers Only. Sure, he was country. Was he country enough for Farmers Only? Well, he was. Was he necessarily looking for someone country enough for Farmers Only? That remained to be seen. He’d gone on a couple of dates with women but he had yet to meet an interesting guy. Honestly, he was probably better off installing Grindr to meet guys, but that app was too narrowly focused on hookups for his taste. At 35, he might not necessarily want someone to settle down with (whatever that meant for someone who was trying to become successful as a country musician and would, if his wildest dreams were to come true, tour for weeks or months at a time), but he would rather have even a casual relationship over a pointless hookup with GingerFucker83.
Having spent the past couple of months in Oklahoma, it was a while since he had last been on the app in Nashville. Might as well give it a try.
Adam222LA immediately caught his attention. What kind of LA gay would get so badly lost online he ended up here? Blake went to read his description and immediately guffawed. Cute AND funny. And a musician! And oh, damnit, the guy was still a free member—clearly new here. Well, Blake hoped his own profile would just be interesting enough to make this Adam upgrade. He shot him a quick message.
PureBS79: Do you really hate Bambi?
Waiting for a reply, he decided to check his info and see if anything needed updating.
“About you” —
Profile headline: Too witty for own good. Dimples to die for.
About yourself:
Hi everyone. My name is Blake, I'm a country musician living between Tennessee and Oklahoma. I love fishing, Arizona Cardinals, George Strait and Earl Thomas Conley, my dog Betty and everything involving beer and vodka. I have a truck and know the best spots for both scenic views and alcohol. I'm a gentleman and the first dinner is on me!!!
Your habits and lifestyle:
Type of relationship - casual dating, long term dating.
Religion - not stated.
Ethnicity - Caucasian.
Smoker - never.
Drinking - yes frequently.
Marital status - single.
Employment - musician.
Education - high school.
Children - no.
Blake knew this worked well enough on ladies. He just hoped this would be good enough for an LA rock star.
***
Adam really didn't have time to click around much till he got his first notification on Farmers Only. "Well, that was quick." He clicked on the tab. "Message hidden." Jesus fuck, he had to pay money to simply be able to read a message on this website? God damn him getting so drunk and making this stupid bet. The guys so owed him for this one. He thought he should at least check the man's full profile first, to see if it was even worth getting upgraded for. He clicked on the nickname.
PureBS79. '79 clearly stood for the year he was born, and "pure B.S."? Well, he could only guess. The profile headline and description made him smile, just very slightly (he would never admit this to the rest of his band). The man seemed like the sweetest redneck. And his photos made him look hot as fuck. Very redneck, though. All vests and cowboy boots and, yes, dimples to die for. How tall was he? He looked tall. And was he even gay? That description was about as straight as one could get. Maybe he was not sweet at all and the message awaiting Adam was a death threat? He was too curious to ignore it, either way. He would tell the guys to chip in for however much this fucking subscription cost. If he couldn't get along with another musician, however country, then he had no hope on Farmers Only at all.
Subscription acquired and paid for, Adam went back to the previously hidden message.
PureBS79: Do you really hate Bambi?
Adam laughed in spite of himself. Well, it wasn't a homophobic rant. Off to a good start. Or a decent start, at the very least. His premium subscription allowed him to see that Blake was currently online. "Here we go," Adam said out loud and went to type in the response.
Adam222LA: No, of course I don't hate Bambi. You guys hate Bambi. I thought it was my only chance to pass for Country around here.
On the other side of town, Blake's computer chimed with a new message. He went to check it. "What a cocky little shit," he thought, grinning already.
PureBS79: If you wanted to pass for country, you should have mentioned LA even more. I couldn't tell. Where are you from again, is it Idaho, Adam222LA?
"Wow, this just might have a chance," Adam thought to himself with a smirk.
Adam222LA: Gotta set realistic expectations, man. Can't write I'm a horse riding, moonshine drinking country bumpkin. It would be obvious I'm not on the first date and I would end up dead in a ditch. #SafetyFirst
PureBS79: What's this with you being dead in ditches?
Adam222LA: I'm a gay guy on the straightest looking dating app in the whole world. I'm actually surprised there was even a gay option. Are you gay? Or just drunk and bored?
PureBS79: I *am* drunk and bored. But also bisexual. What are you, a gay city guy, doing on a mostly straight incredibly country dating website?
Adam222LA: I guess I shouldn't say it. But I lost a bet with my band. I'm not here to make fun of anyone though. My guys just dared me to try something different. Because you are right, I'm as LA as you can possibly get. A walking stereotype. The guys say there's no way I can handle meeting anyone this different.
For a minute, there was no reply. "Fuck!"
Adam222LA: I really like you though. It's surprising for me but I do. "Dimples to die for" indeed ;)
When after a minute there was still no reply, Adam started panicking. Damn, did he already mess this up? The guy sounded legitimately promising and the bet that brought him here had already made its way to the back of his mind: in the most surprising turn of events, Adam really really wanted a chance to meet this guy in person.
Another minute in, his computer finally chimed again.
PureBS79: Wanna prove them wrong? :)
Adam sighed in relief. He didn't even need to think about it.
Adam222LA: Yes! When?