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Kei has an ex-boyfriend. An ex-boyfriend he broke up with four years ago.
Nothing remained from their relationship after they ended things. Not even their friendship, their rivalry, or their extraordinary teamwork. It was like they were strangers once more, all past connections gone, like they never even knew each other.
The only thing that still remains is Yuichi’s faint, close to disappearing (had probably disappeared but it’s so ingrained in Kei’s head that he just can’t help but remember it) lingering scent in their—now and had long been Kei’s—apartment, and the plush toy Yuichi left four years ago. Those were the only comforts that Kei had during his four years of misery, during his four years of loneliness, during his life without Yuichi. Because at least, even if it was a daydream, Yuichi was there with Kei. He was there during his hard times, during times where he felt like he could no longer go on. Yuichi was there to comfort Kei.
Except tonight, together with his scent and his plush toy, Yuichi was there. He was physically there. In Kei’s apartment, in his bedroom, in his bed.
Kei knew that Yuichi would never come back, and that this apartment is forever his. The thought that he would be inside the same room, alone with Yuichi again had never even crossed his mind.
Yuichi’s friends had thought the opposite apparently, as they brought over Yuichi, dead drunk, to Kei’s doorstep. Kei tried to explain to Yuichi’s friends the situation, but they refused to listen, and he had no choice but to host Yuichi into their his home. A drunk Yuichi made his way through the hallways, stumbled onto the bedroom, and sat on the large bed, knowing the place like the back of his hand even after not being there for four years.
“Jin. This isn’t your house.” Kei tries to say.
“Who cares? I missed this.” the brown-haired man replies.
He raised his head up to look at Kei, a smile on his face. Yuichi reaches out his arms, and Kei comes close out of habit. Realizing what he did, he tries to walk away, but he’s pulled back by Yuichi. He finds Yuichi’s hands resting on his chest as they look at each other, no one wanting to move first, afraid they’re crossing boundaries knowing that they’re no longer together. Kei can smell Yuichi’s alcohol breath, he can see Yuichi’s beautiful blue eyes clearly, he can feel Yuichi’s chest moving up and down and pressing against his own.
“You’re so beautiful, Kei. Have I ever told you that?”
Kei couldn’t help but let out a fond smile, hearing words he hasn’t heard in years. Yuichi returns the same warm smile before pressing his lips against Kei’s.
His lips remind Kei of the night they met. The night he realized he was in love with Yuichi. The night they got together. The night they first held hands. The night they first kissed.
He pulls away.
His lips remind Kei of the night they ended things.
“Tachikawa, again.” Yuichi says. “Please.”
“What?”
“Kiss me again.”
Yuichi pulls Kei’s shirt, dragging him down and crashing his lips roughly into Kei’s. Kei knew he had to let go. He had to push him away, that he had to stop before anything irreversible happens.
Yuichi’s arms wrap around Kei’s neck, and Kei swears at himself as his body moves on its own, his hands resting on Yuichi’s hips. Mouths open, tongue meets tongue, and the room immediately becomes hotter.
Kei wasn’t even drunk. He was completely sober and aware of what was happening, but it felt like the exchange of their saliva was enough to make him feel like he drank an entire night’s worth of alcohol. This isn’t even something he wanted, something he never even thought of possibly happening ever again. He wanted to push Yuichi away. He had to push Yuichi away.
But he couldn’t. Because he missed this. He missed him.
“Fuck.” Yuichi breathes out, and his hands on Kei’s hair start pulling.
“Jin, it hurts.” Kei tries to pull away, only for Yuichi to tighten his grip. “Jin, let go.” he tries another time, and Yuichi responds by roughly kissing him again, enough to leave a bruise on their lips. “Goddamnit, let go, Yuichi!”
Yuichi gasps as he lets go. His eyes widen, and when he looks at Kei’s face—a mix of frustration, confusion, anger, and sadness, he cries.
“Shit. I’m sorry, Kei.” tears start forming on his eyes, hands pulling on his own hair. Kei’s eyes widened, never having seen Yuichi cry.
Kei lets out a shaky sigh, hands slowly reaching out to a trembling Yuichi. He wraps his hands around Yuichi’s, pulling them away from his hair and caressing them gently. Tired dark eyes stare at guilty blue ones, and their hearts stop for a second. Kei’s arms wrap around Yuichi tightly, hands wrinkling his shirt. He buries his face on Yuichi’s shoulder as his own tears start falling.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Kei.” Yuichi repeats like a broken record, and Kei couldn’t help but feel like his apologies are rooted from something else.
From something that happened long ago, perhaps.
“...Kei.” his voice cracks.
“Yes, Jin?”
“Call out my name. Yuichi. Call me Yuichi. Say you love me.” Yuichi slowly intertwines his hands with Kei’s. “Even if it’s a lie, please?”
“...I can’t.” Kei answers.
“Why?” Yuichi lets go of the hug. “Cause you still do?”
Kei shakes his head. “No. Not anymore. And never will again.”
Yuichi looks at Kei with a bitter look on his face. He lets out a sigh, letting his head fall back on the pillows as he closes his eyes. Kei moves to lay next to him, keeping distance. No one says a word. A few minutes pass, and Kei’s still wide awake, fingers touching his lips, the lingering feeling of Yuichi’s warmth still there.
Yuichi lets out a slight shiver, and Kei pulls the covers over them both. His hands make slight contact with Yuichi’s bare arms, sending zaps of electricity throughout Kei’s entire body, and he thinks to touch Yuichi more, to hug him bare, skin touching skin, to have him in his arms like he used to, if it was just for tonight.
But he doesn’t.
He pulls his hand away, the feeling of Yuichi’s skin still giving a tingling sensation on his fingers. He doesn’t look at Yuichi any longer, because it’ll give him nothing but pain. Frowning, he turns away from Yuichi, and as he settles, he feels the warmth. The same warmth he felt from years ago, the same warmth Yuichi emitted when they cuddled, the same warmth that Kei so desperately longs for every night, the same warmth that Kei shouldn’t be wanting. Shouldn’t be feeling right now. Shouldn’t be basking in right now. Because the more he does, the more he can’t keep to himself how much he still wants Yuichi. That he still loves Yuichi.
“Are you awake?” the soft voice of Yuichi breaks the minutes of silence.
“No.”
Yuichi laughs.
“Can I ask you something?”
Kei hesitates to answer. “...As long as it’s Border related.”
“Too bad. I don’t mingle personal matters with work.” Yuichi lets out a laugh. “Can we start over, Kei?”
“No.” he answers almost immediately.
Yuichi hums. “Why?”
“I don’t love you anymore, Jin. I don’t want to be with you anymore. Never again.” Kei turns his back to Yuichi. “All you brought me was pain, and I never want to feel that again. I hate you, Yuichi. I know you know that.”
“...Whatever you say. But I know you’ll come back to me.”
“Your side effect told you so?” Kei scoffs.
“Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that I want you back, and you want me back. I can tell.”
“No, I don’t.” Kei answers.
But he does. He wants Yuichi back. All the memories, all of Yuichi. But he can’t. Because he loves him. And because he loves him, he can’t.
When Yuichi relaxes on the bed and starts to softly snore, Kei gets up. He takes a peek at the peaceful Yuichi sleeping in his bed, the bed that they shared years ago, the bed that was now too big, too empty, too cold, and too painful for him. But today was different. The size was just right and comfortable, the bed wasn’t empty, and it was warm. But it was still painful. So, so painful.
And so he leaves the room, his chest and his heart feeling so hardly squeezed that it felt like they would implode any second. He lays down on the couch. He stares at the ceiling, unmoving. Even with the heater turned on, it was cold. And it hurt. His chest hurt, his heart hurt, his eyes hurt. He feels the tears starting to form and wanting to leave his eyes. He tells himself it’s because he’s not blinked for minutes. But he knew better. He breaks out of his trance and closes his eyes. It was cold. And everything hurt.
But it’s alright.
He’s fine. He’ll be fine.
They’ll be okay. Someday. It might happen tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Next year. In five years. In ten years. No matter how long it takes, it will happen. Someday.
Yuichi’s side effect told him so.