Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“ Te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras, secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma ” - Pablo Neruda

Bette

She couldn’t help but stare at her. It had been two years since their divorce, yet she knew with absolute certainty that it would take a lifetime to forget her. It left a bittersweet taste in her mouth to see Tina so… happy . Positively glowing with happiness as she held Carrie’s hand. It was as if there were two parts inside her fighting for control, each yanking opposing ends, threatening to tear apart the fragile sutures that held her bruised heart together. One part of her, the one she wanted to believe was winning, was happy for Tina, despite her abysmal pain. That side wished for her ex-wife’s happiness above all else because she still saw the traces of the person who used to be her partner and best friend. The other part, the darker and more selfish one, clawed at her insides, full of betrayal and anger. That part wished with all her might that Carrie would simply disappear from their lives, not being above hoping for something terrible, so she would never have to lay eyes on the lawyer again. That same part of her seemed to sink deeper into the abyss every day. 

Sometimes, when her emotions betrayed her, she felt like a sort of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: divided . She felt her conscience was a battlefield where two natures could not make peace with each other. The reality is that there were parts of her that she had never managed to understand, and history showed that Tina didn’t either. She was beginning to believe that she could never reconcile the existence of two factions in the same body. Two passions so radically different. Two temperaments so essentially opposed. After all, Tina seemed to regard her as one would a forest fire: chaotic, unpredictable. She loved the fiery passion of her soul, knowing that she would fight to the very death if asked, but at the same time, she was wary of the flames: after all, once burned…

Perhaps she believed that her love would be able to separate the parts to save Bette from the “darker” version of herself. Not understanding that killing one side would mean the suicide of the other. 

And God knows she had tried to forget about her, to move on. They had a tenuous understanding: they loved each other, above all things they loved each other. After all, they would forever be inextricably connected because of Angie, and maybe it was true that lack of love had never been the real problem. 

Still, despite her best attempts, there was a part of her that refused to let go. That clung to every smile, every sigh, every look…hoping for more.

Maybe that was the fate of people like her: emotional anorexics who fed on crumbs, convinced it was enough sustenance to fill their stomachs. Living a life based on the belief that a drop is an immeasurable sea, forever hoping for even an involuntary brush to continue the addiction.

If she closed her eyes, she could still feel the kisses they once shared on her flesh. Her body was a map, forever marked with their history. Tina didn’t seem to see it, but her skin was soaked with ink, with the words they once said to each other, with the promises that used to seem eternal. Of…

“What are you looking at, B?” Angie asked, pulling her out of her thoughts. 

She felt the back of her ears burn with embarrassment at being caught staring in the direction of Tina and Carrie, with the former looking at her with her eyes narrowed in confusion. 

“ Subtle Porter, ” she thought, grimacing. “It’s nothing, bug. I was just thinking. After everything that happened, maybe it’s time to start making some changes”. 

She turned towards her daughter, and at the look of concern in her eyes, she knew she had made the right decision. The last two years had been devastating. And although she had tried to keep her spirit strong, the truth was that she had felt lost since the divorce. She couldn’t go on like this, making decisions based on the pain and anger still profoundly rooted within herself. It was time to start letting go. God, it was time to let Tina go. For Angie. For herself . 

The years had granted her a softness and stability she had always struggled to achieve. Yet, there was something about Tina that simply destabilized the tenuous grip she had on her emotions. Being around Her brought back a sort of regression. The remaining immature traces of her personality were still very intimately tied to the memory of their early years. There was a version of her that existed only in Tina’s orbit, and perhaps, it was time to let that part go too.

She took a deep breath and stood up. 

“Let’s go join Tina and Carrie, shall we, baby? With everything that’s been going on lately, I haven’t been able to properly congratulate them on their engagement”. Just saying it out loud: ‘ engagement ’ made her heart squeeze in her chest, but it was time. It was time .  

Angie looked at her surprised, her eyes widening in disbelief, before narrowing with suspicion. 

“Are you sure, B?”. Angie stood up and moved close enough to whisper, “I can say I’m meeting Jordi. Then, when you drop me off, you can go to Dana’s”. 

Her lips automatically curved into a smile full of love for her daughter. Her sweet girl. Angie was a miraculous mix of Tina’s and Bette’s best traits, and she thanked the universe, destiny, or whoever was in charge of this shit show she sometimes called life for giving her such a wonderful daughter. 

“No need honey, besides if we don’t get involved in the wedding soon, who knows what outfit you’re going to get. We both know Mama T will want you by her side at the altar”. 

She laughed at her daughter’s frightened face and bent down to give her a kiss on the head. The thought of bridesmaid dresses and assorted gowns could put fear in any teenager’s heart. 

Angie rose with her from the couch they were sitting on, and they slowly approached the kitchen, where Tina and Carrie were chatting. 

The sound of her heels, which in all honesty, she was ready to take off, alerted the couple. Tina raised her eyebrows at the smile on Bette’s face, which was, admittedly, a little forced. Carrie frowned for a second before smiling. 

“Hey…” Her smile faltered momentarily at the sight of their clasped hands before quickly pulling herself together. “With everything that’s been going on lately, I realized I hadn’t taken the time to properly congratulate you both on your engagement. So, congratulations. I genuinely hope you are very happy”. She mentally patted herself on the back for keeping her voice from trembling.

Seizing her moment of courage, she offered her hand to Carrie in congratulations, who promptly took it.

“Thank you, Bette, uh, I, uh, We appreciate it very much.” Carrie hesitated a little, emphasizing on the “we”, and scanning her face as if trying to see how truthful her words were. 

Bette’s jaw clenched as she noticed the inspection, but kept smiling. She let go of Carrie’s hand before slowly turning around to look at her ex-wife, who seemed to be processing a myriad of emotions at once. 

“Tina…” Her name left her lips with a softness she simply couldn’t hide. Her heart was still black and blue from the loss of her. It hurt to say her name.

Taking one step closer, she enveloped the blonde in a shy embrace. She felt Tina tense up for a second before relaxing into her arms. In a moment of weakness, she allowed herself to breathe in deeply the scent of the woman who would undoubtedly always be both the love of her life and her greatest heartbreak. This had to be the last time she allowed herself to indulge in such sentimentality. It had to be.

“I wish you all the happiness this world has to give.” Her voice came out as a broken whisper. Tina’s arms, which had hesitantly returned her embrace, tensed up again as she listened, “I hope you are happy. Happier ”.  “ Than with me, ” she added bitterly in her mind.

She kissed her shyly on the cheek before pulling away. Luckily, her back was turned to Carrie, so her brief moment of weakness could pass as a simple hug. Could pass as everything but the very moment in which she said goodbye to her heart forever. 

She quickly turned away, not noticing the expression on Tina’s face, her teary eyes, or her clenched hands.

“If you’ll excuse me for a few moments, I have to make some calls.” Bette turned to look at her daughter, “Angie, why don’t you show Mama T and Carrie the delivery menus? When I get back, we can all have dinner together”. 

She would have laughed at their expressions if it wasn’t for the almost suffocating pain she felt in her chest. The surprise and shock on their faces only reinforced the idea that she had to try harder to let go, to move on. She hated to think she had become someone who seemed unhappy for the people she loved. It was time to face some of her demons, and that involved moving on, knowing that Tina would no longer be the person holding her hand, and allowing herself, for the first time, to accept Kit’s death and properly mourn her loss. 

At the thought of her sister, she felt a lump in her throat. The pressure in her chest increased to an agonizing level, and with a last, barely believable smile, she left the kitchen. 

She quickly climbed the stairs to her bedroom, and as soon as the door closed, she collapsed on the floor. God, it was the most unpleasant feeling she had ever felt. On the one hand, she felt proud for being able to take a step in the right direction. On the other hand, she felt as if her body was physically rejecting her decision. Every molecule in her body felt like it was on fire, burning in protest, begging her to somehow repair the throbbing wound bleeding her heart dry.

With trembling hands, she pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and opened her messages. It was time to start making changes. 

TBC 

Chapter Text

“Yo no quiero enmudecer, vida mía. ¿Cómo sin mi grito fiel me hallarías?¿Cuál señal, cuál me declara, vida mía? Soy la misma que fue tuya, vida mía. Ni lenta ni trascordada ni perdida.”

― Gabriela Mistral.

Tina

Everything happened so quickly that she almost felt motion sick. One moment, she was talking and laughing with Carrie about some silly thing she couldn't even remember now, and the next, she felt the all-encompassing warmth of Bette's arms around her. 

“I hope you are happy. Happier… ” She whispered, and Tina's body froze. She felt her heart pounding in her chest, beating loudly against her ears. Suddenly, all she could hear was white noise. Her head felt faint, and her breathing got shallow. She could hear her talking; god, she could almost taste her words. And they tasted bitter, like the ashes of them . Bette's voice caressed her skin, begging her to listen, but she couldn't process that sentence. S he didn't want to . 

She always thought it was silly to run when facing a conversation you didn't want to have. After all, sooner or later, you must have it; better to get it out of the way quickly. But now, Jesus, she felt like she was drowning, crumbling, dying, all at once. And her voice, god, her voice . Bette was always very good at hiding some of her most complicated feelings, but now…she could hear the heartbreak and sadness in her tone as clearly as the noises coming from the TV in the living room. And Tina knew she was the one to put that heartbreak there. She was the reason for that pain. 

Nothing had ever felt quite as horrible as that.

Bette had said “happier” as if she could ever be happier than with her. It was never that. God, is that what she thought? Had she really been that bad at explaining her feelings throughout this mess? Yes, and the truth was, she knew it. She fucking knew it .  

Tina wanted to scream, to cry. She wanted to run and shake Bette by the shoulders until she understood that her decisions, as confusing as they seemed, had little to do with her. God, going ( running ) away to Toronto wasn't about being happy or unhappy, less of all being “happier than.” She just… didn't want to be herself anymore. Even if it was for a little while, she wanted to be someone else, live another life. She just felt so… stuck . Uncomfortable in her own skin. 

At the time, she naively thought divorce was the solution. The cure to all her own personal problems, but it wasn't. It was more like a surgical operation for a sickness that couldn't be solved with a scalpel. And now, the illness was worse because she now felt the phantom pains from her missing life, from her missing half, and the symptoms remained. 

How could she ever begin to explain to Bette and Angie the absolute mess that hid behind her composed facade? She had been second-guessing her choices for months now, but how could she tell them? How could she ever, after everything she put them through?  

God, Angie…

Tina tilted her head to one side to get a better view of her daughter and felt her heart break all over again. She knew Angie was putting on a brave face since the announcement. She could see in the stiffness of her body that she was not as okay with her marrying Carrie as she wanted to appear. And while Tina could appreciate the sentiment, it felt like a bullet to the heart; Angie shouldn't have to fake being okay. Children shouldn't put on a show for their parents' happiness; that was not their role. And more so, why didn't she put a stop to it?

“Uhm…” Angie's eyes darted between them and the door from where Bette had just left. “So…uh, is there anything you are in the mood for? We have a lot of takeout menus to choose from”.

Her chest ached. Angie seemed so anxious, so uncomfortable. When had they reached that point? When did the struggles between Bette and her start to affect Angie so deeply? How come she didn't see it?

“I'm fine with anything, baby,” she tried to smile, but her facial muscles seemed as frozen as the rest of her.

Tina heard Carrie clear her throat nervously and turned to look at her for the first time in what felt like forever. When, in reality, it was only a few minutes. But, oh, they felt like the longest five fucking minutes of her fucking life .

“Yeah, uh, me too.” Carrie's voice trembled for a second, her eyes fixated on Tina, having seen the effects that the brief interaction with Bette had on her. 

It was so weird how such a small thing, such a tiny exchange, could shake the foundations of the new life she was trying to build. But then again, did she really? Did she really want so badly to create a new life away from her past…away from Bette ? 

Would Bette ever be her past? Was there such a thing?

She looked at Carrie again, and her heart squeezed in her chest. She was perfectly…splendid. Loving. Caring. And, oh, so insecure. Tina knew she was everything to Carrie, that she loved her with all her might. However, as horrible as the thought made her feel, being all to someone as profoundly insecure as her fiancé wasn't empowering. It felt like taking advantage of someone who has been deeply wounded before. And as much as she genuinely loved her, Tina never had the patience for that in a partner. Although she hated to admit it sometimes, she craved a strong partner. Someone confident and assertive. And Carrie, at least regarding their relationship, wasn't like that.

Why did she, though? Why did she choose Carrie? Someone so radically different from her ex-wife. 

Maybe she knew no one could ever compare, so why look for it?

Tina, unconsciously, had been cataloging the different chapters of her life in mental folders titled: “before Bette” and “after Bette.” She was starting to realize there only ever was “during Bette.” After all, everything always came back to her. First, last, and forever, right?

She took a deep breath and decided to think about these realizations later. Right now, she couldn't afford to keep feeding the suspicions that were surely plaguing Carrie's mind. Tina joined Angie in browsing the takeout menus, and before she knew it, they had Thai food delivered and served in the kitchen. 

They were lightly chatting about some plot twist from her TV show when she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. She always felt Bette way before she saw her. 

“Hey, good choice. I could smell the food from upstairs. Everything looks great.” Her ex-wife's voice was hoarse, not quite gravelly enough that Carrie and Angie would notice, but enough for Tina to know that she had cried or screamed or both.

She turned slightly, scanning Bette for any hints about her feelings. What she found made the last part of her heart that was still standing crumble and fall to the ground. Exploding in so many pieces, she feared nothing could ever put them back together again. 

Her eyes. Her beautiful chocolate eyes, the same ones that reminded her of the trees they used to look at on hiking trips with Angie, eyes so warm as the logs used for the fire , were red. It was subtle, but it was there. And it felt like a slap to the face. Bette hugged her and then went up to her room to cry. God, could this day just end ? She couldn't handle anything else.  

“You look great. You always look great,” Tina thought to herself without realizing it. “God, what's wrong with me.”

“Is everything okay?” The question tumbled out of her throat before she could even realize it. She needed to know what Bette was thinking. “ Please Bette, please tell me,” she internally begged. 

Her ex-wife looked at her, startled, surprised at being called out. When did she stop asking Bette how she was? How she felt? They had grown up so much since their marriage. When did they stop communicating? Was it before the divorce? After?

“What do you mean?” They held each other gaze for a few moments. Bette's eyes dared her to dig deeper, and Tina knew she couldn't, not yet.  

Fuck. Fuck. She wanted to hug her. A rush of adrenaline coursed through her body, and her hands ached to hold her ex-wife.

“With (me) …with, uh, the calls you had to make?” Tina cleared her throat. It felt scorched. 

Neither of them was aware of the thick tension surrounding them. Nor did they notice the apprehension on Carrie's face or the anxiety on Angie's.

“Ah…yes. I have been thinking about what to do after the loss. I think… I think I want to get back to art in some way. But I need to do it in a way that still… (honors Kit), ” Bette's voice trembled with all the words she couldn't say, but Tina knew. She still knew her so well. “So, I've been making some calls. I have some ideas in mind. Some…projects”. 

“Care to share?” Tina tried to keep her tone light, but her nerves were rattled, so her voice came out much harsher than intended. 

She saw the muscles on Bette's jaw tense up before speaking. “Not yet,” Her ex-wife spoke softly, almost defeated, and Tina felt an irrational source of anger course through her veins. “When did you stop trusting me?” She wanted to scream. “When did I become someone you can't even look at?” . She wanted to cry.

They looked at each other again. Both wanted to say more and run away at the same time. 

“Oh…okay,” Tina felt the defeat all over her body. She didn't even know what she had been defeated at. All she knew was that someway, somehow, she had lost . 

A hand darted in front of her. Carrie's fingers felt hot against her arm, scalding. She drowned the voice in her head that begged her to get away from her fiancé's grip. 

On the other hand, Angie seemed to perked up, filled with curiosity at her mother's vague answers.

“Oh, come on, B, what is it?” Her daughter's voice was whiny enough to remind them that, as mature as she wanted to appear, she was still a teenager. And she deserved to be a teenager without all the worries they had put on her .

A hot feeling settled in her stomach when she heard Bette laugh at Angie's question. God, she had missed that laugh .

“I will tell you later, bug. Don't worry. It is nothing embarrassing.” Bette dragged the last word, making fun of her easily flustered daughter. Angie groaned. 

The Porter women were, above everything, excellent caretakers. They worried so much for the ones they loved. And Bette had always been a great mother. And Angie knew that, and she basked and thrived under her mother's embrace. 

“I don't know, you are plenty embarrassing," Angie stuck her tongue, and Bette laughed again. 

God, she missed them. She missed them so much . She needed to think. Think hard and long about what she wanted. What was it that she wanted when she asked for the divorce? Did she get it? Was it this?

“Are you okay?” Carrie whispered in her ear, and Tina felt her whole body tense up again. She would need a full body massage after this train wreck of a day. 

Her fiancé's fingers tightened against her arm. 

“Ah, yes, yes, sorry, baby. I think I might be catching the flu or something,” She lied. Although she did feel sick . 

She saw Bette grimace imperceptibly after hearing her call Carrie “baby,” which made her want to cry. Tina felt exhausted. It was as if a dam had opened, and all the feelings she had repressed in the last year came crashing through. Drowning her in sorrow, in pain, in regret.  

After that, they ate in relative silence, with only some comments about Angie's school and friends and some awkward remarks about the plans for the upcoming wedding. 

The goodbyes were quick and uncomfortable. Bette seemed eager to be anywhere but around them, but somehow managed to be achingly polite to her and Carrie. In contrast, Angie seemed full of anxious energy, desperate to defuse the tension that surrounded them. 

When she and Carrie reached their car, a thick silence enveloped them. It was only halfway to their house that Carrie spoke up. 

“I think…we need to talk,” her fiancé's posture was rigid. Her knuckles were white as she gripped the steering wheel.

Breathe in, breathe out.

“Yeah, we do,” Tina whispered. 

God, but where could she possibly start. 

TBC

Chapter Text

“Amar es aguardarte

como si fueras parte del ocaso,

ni antes ni después, para que estemos solos

entre los juegos y los cuentos

sobre la tierra seca”.

— Salvador Novo

Tina

When she and Carrie reached their car, a thick silence enveloped them. It was only halfway to their house that Carrie spoke up. 

"I think…we need to talk," her fiancé's posture was rigid. Her knuckles were white as she gripped the steering wheel.

Breathe in, breathe out.

"Yeah, we do," Tina whispered. "Let's just…get to the house first, then we can sit down and talk".

She realized as she spoke that she couldn't bare to call that house her home. It wasn't, and it could never be. Not when her home was built on brown eyes, boisterous laughs, dark skin, and massive personalities. Not when there weren't walls or frames that could showcase the beauty in Bette Porter's smile or the warmth in Angelica's eyes. Not when the only bed she had ever slept well was in the warmth of her ex-wife's arms. She'd only ever had one home, and it certainly wasn't that house.

"I miss her," she thought. " When did I stop missing her? When did I start again? " 

The rest of the drive was as quiet as it was tense. Fortunately, there was little traffic, so they only took a few more minutes to arrive and make their way into the living room. A few moments passed, and she watched as Carrie took a gulp of air before opening her mouth.

"Can you just… Can you just tell me what's going on?" Her fiancé looked at her with eyes full of doubt and uncertainty. God, this was such a mess, such an incredibly complicated mess . 

"Baby…" She grimaced. That word had always felt so wrong when directed at anyone other than Bette. Like it didn't belong in her mouth. "I just… I don't know where to start". 

Tina felt terrible. Her heart was in her throat, full of words she couldn't say, pressing against her windpipe. She could feel a thin layer of cold sweat forming all over her body. In a way, she knew she had always hated conflict. It was like she physically couldn't handle it. Maybe that's why it had always been so easy to just…run. 

"Why don't you start with that whole… thing with Bette?". There was such contempt in Carrie's voice for her ex-wife that Tina had to remind herself to keep her cool. "I have tried to be polite, and you know I have. But I can't… She makes me so fucking angry. I can't even… what kind of victim act was that? She is not happy for us. She has never been happy for us. She will never be happy for us, for you, she…"

A cold sensation began to form in her stomach. A kind of quiet anger that she had no right to feel, but she couldn't help it. She knew things between Bette and Carrie were tense at the very least; she never expected anything else. She hoped otherwise, of course, but she didn't expect it. How could she?

"Don't," Tina couldn't let her keep talking like that. Not about Bette, not about this. Not when she knew nothing. Nothing about her, and certainly nothing about them. "Don't talk about her like that. She wasn't putting on an act," she said, trying to be as calm as possible. " And God, didn't you hear her? Didn't you see her? She was destroyed."

Carrie's body stiffened, and Tina knew there was nothing she could do to improve the situation. Someone would get hurt in this; there was no way around it. And she would go to the seven hells and back before letting Bette be the recipient of such pain again . At that thought, she knew there was no going back. Carrie didn't deserve to be with someone who would put someone else above her. No one did. And Tina, as much as she seemed to fight that notion, would always end up choosing Bette and Angie.  

"How do you know? How could you possibly know that?" Carrie nearly spat with rage. She had never seen her fiancé so mad, and Tina realized that her actions had broken something in her and had opened a wound that Carrie had tried to heal for so long. Carrie felt less than. She felt undeserving. And it was Tina's fault. 

Tina swallowed the words that were bubbling in her throat. Somewhere along the line, she had become someone who reacted to strong emotions in one of two ways: fight or flight. Get angry or run. Which was heartbreakingly ironic since one of the things she constantly berated Bette for was her hot temper. 

Carrie didn't deserve her anger. 

“I just do. I know her enough to know when she's being honest or not." She wanted this whole conversation to revolve around her ex-wife when it was about them. About this. About her . 

"Sure, you know her," her fiancé snorted as if she couldn't believe her naivety. "She's a narcissist, Tina. You know that, and that's why you divorced her, remember?"

God. She knew Carrie was just understandably lashing out, but she was crossing a line. 

"Jesus, she's such a piece of work. She is just manipulating you into..." Her fiancé continued, and Tina felt her patience snap.

How dare she? How fucking dare she? She wasn't a naive, starry-eyed maiden who had somehow escaped this big, bad fucking dragon. She wasn't some stupid girl who didn't know any better. Not even close. And Bette. God. Bette wasn't this evil woman. This monstrous figure that Carrie always made her out to be. Bette was… home. Bette was everything. She embodied those elusive concepts that all the poets had ever written about. Her love was the why, the what, the where; her love was the answer to so many questions she forgot to ask.

"Into what? Into what , Carrie?".- Her voice trembled. She was trying to understand her. God, she was fucking trying. "Look, I know you are not this…mean, okay? I know this comes from a place of uncertainty and hurt, and that's my fault. But Bette has nothing to do with this. You can't talk about her like that, and she doesn't deserve that. So please, stop. Just…stop".

She saw Carrie's face flush with anger before she took a deep breath. Her fiancé had never been one to lose her temper easily, and lashing out was simply not in her nature. But oh, how she wished she could lash out now. It would make this so much easier, for both of them.

"I… Yeah. She just makes me so… mad . I feel so…inadequate beside her,"

Carrie's whole demeanor changed from defiant to defeated in one breath.

"I know… I understand. But, darling, maybe you just don't want to feel these negative emotions toward me, so you redirect them toward her? You haven't interacted with Bette enough to dislike her so much."

God, she felt so exhausted. For a while, she felt like she was living on autopilot. She went along with whatever life gave her without stopping to think if she liked it (she didn't) . She realized that in searching for the part of herself that she felt was lost, she had lost parts of herself that she really liked: the compassionate, reflective, and brave sides.

"Maybe. I just… what's going on, honey? I feel, no,  I know, there's something wrong. But I don't know what it is. I don't know what you feel, and it's making me nervous. I feel like I'm losing my mind".

Tina looked at Carrie's fidgeting hands and felt terrible. How do you break the heart of someone you agreed to spend the rest of your life with? 

"I… don't know where to start." She looked at her hands and at her ring. It all felt so alien to her now. 

"Tina…" Carrie's voice barely contained her distress. She knew she was stalling, but where do you start when you decide to rip apart a person's trust in you?

"Yeah, let's just… let's just sit down first, okay?". Without realizing it, they had been standing in the living room all this time. Emotions were running so high that the thought of sitting down didn't even cross their minds when they arrived at the house.

"Okay," Carrie's voice was a broken whisper.

God, she was not ready for this. 

"I think…" Tina cleared her throat. Jesus, this was excruciating. " I know … I've known for a while now that we can't… I can't… We can't get married, Carrie. I don't… I don't want to get married ( not to you )".

Carrie's face lost all her color. 

"What?" The lawyer's voice trembled.

"I don't…god. I love you, Carrie. Please know that. Please, please know that. I love you, but I don't think it's enough. I know it's not. I felt so lost when divorcing Bette, and you were there through it all. You were so great to me, so incredible. But I need time to think. If we go through with this, I would be getting married to you for all the wrong reasons. That's not fair to you…" Tina's voice trembled. " It wouldn't be fair to any of us, " she added in her mind.  

Everyone used to say that Bette was the heartbreaker between them, but she was starting to doubt that. How could anyone who hurt so many people they cared about, without thinking, be called anything but a heartbreaker? Why was the human heart so fragile? So easily moved. So easily confused.

"Is because of Bette, right? You… You still love her." Carrie's voice cracked, and she noticed with painful clarity that her heart didn't break with it as it had when she heard the pain in Bette's voice. After all, her heart had always been attuned to its owner.

"No. Yes. Yes and no," Tina began. How could she explain? How could anyone understand all that Bette Porter was? All that they were together. You cannot describe magic not as a feeling. It would never make sense. "I've been thinking a lot about my past choices, and the truth is… I don't know if I divorced Bette for the right reasons. I'll spare you the details; I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have, but… the truth is, I can't let her go. I thought I could, but I can't. I've never been able to. I don't know what to make of it now, but I do know that it's not fair to you to go on like this. I'm done being a coward". 

She hoped this newfound bravery wouldn't betray her when she talked to Bette. And she had to; she needed to speak to her. Her bones ached as if her skeleton wanted to escape her body and run for the door. She was afraid, filled with the fear that it might be too late. But Carrie deserved better than a quick talk and a brief goodbye, and their relationship deserved a proper ending.

"You used me," Carrie's eyes were full of sadness, and Tina felt like an absolute asshole for breaking this tender woman's heart. 

And the thing was, she couldn't deny it. In a way, she had used her. 

"No. At least not consciously. I never wanted to hurt you, and I still don't." She knew her words meant nothing compared to her actions, but she could only give the truth. The sad thing was that her truth felt like a grenade filled with good intentions and misguided feelings: a pretty thing ready to explode and destroy everything it touched.

"But you did. You are . Right now, you are hurting me. You… You are choosing her . You've always had one foot at the door, ready to go after her, and I've just been too blind to see it," Carrie's voice hardened. "Why would you agree to marry me? Why would you say yes to me only to regret it weeks later".

God, why did she say yes? Maybe…maybe she just felt like she had to. She was just blindly taking step after step, not thinking whether the path ahead was right or not.

It wasn't.

"Because I didn't know, honey. I didn't know. I love you, I truly do, but it just… (doesn't compare. Nothing ever could ) I just can't". She vaguely remembered Bette telling her that as much as she loved, adored, and respected Jodi, it didn't compare. And God, did she understand that now. Nothing could ever hold a candle to the force of nature that was her ex-wife. Some people took comfort in the predictability of motion, and felt safe in the stillness of a calm sea. How could she ever be content with that when she had sailed out into the open sea amid a storm and survived? How could she, when she had basked in the earth-shattering beauty that existed when the wind caught up to the sea and created a hurricane. It seemed impossible to ever be truly content with the calm water that was Carrie when she had somehow conquered Aeolus (1) itself.

"I don't understand Tina. I can't. You can't ask that of me". 

She knew that, and she would never expect Carrie to do so. How could anyone besides them ever understand? It went beyond what language could explain. 

"I know. I know." Carrie's arm shot forward and grabbed the hand resting on her knee with a hard grip.

"Maybe… Maybe we can do therapy? We love each other, Tina. Let me prove that I can be enough. I can be what you need". The hold her fiancé , ex-fiancé now, had on her hand was becoming slightly painful. She could see the sweat forming on her forehead. The expression on her face was a mixture of despair and anger, and Tina suddenly felt very claustrophobic.

“Carrie…” She tried to keep her voice even, “let go of me.” She felt uncomfortable and unsafe. She knew that Carrie would never hurt her, but past traumas made her feel anxious in any and all situations where she couldn't free herself.

“Tina,” her voice was rough. “Please, you owe me that much. You did it with Bette. You can do it with me”. Carrie pleaded, and her heart went out to her. 

“I can never do anything I did with Bette with anyone else,” she thought to herself. “No, I don't. God, I'm so sorry, but I don't. I don't owe you that, Carrie. No one owes that to anyone. And it won't work. It's not going to change anything”. 

Tina knew her tone was bordering on harsh, but she chose clarity over sensitivity at this point. 

“How do you know? Why are you so sure?” Carrie was almost screaming now and could barely hold back her sobs. “Why now? When I already gave you everything?”

Tina felt her whole soul crack. She wanted to throw herself to the floor and ask for a redo. Ask for a chance to make the right choices from the start. Anything to stop hurting the people she cared about so deeply. It was such a terrible feeling. But the thing was…maybe that was precisely the reason: Carrie had given her everything, and it still wasn't enough. Still wasn't… (Bette) . When someone gives you everything you don't need, they might as well be handing you an empty glass for you to break. 

“Everything” means nothing if you don't want it.

“I just do. Look, honey, I don't…” Carrie's nails dug into her skin, making her wince. The years had made her skin thinner, and more susceptible to bruising. And God, this was sure to leave a mark. Emotionally and physically . 

“No, don't honey me. Explain. I want to know. I need to know. What the fuck happened between you saying yes to me and now.” She felt like they were going around in circles.

“Carrie…” Tina knew nothing she could say would take away the pain Carrie was feeling, and she didn't see the point in pushing the knife any deeper.

“No, just tell me. Tell me, so I can move on. Tell me, so I can understand what it is about that fucking woman.” 

Tina sighed. She felt like someone had ripped the skin out of her body, leaving her exposed. Everything ached. 

“It has nothing to do with Bette, and at the same time, it has everything to do with her.” It was so hard to explain her feelings. And while she knew Carrie deserved to understand her motives, it felt like a betrayal to explain them to her first. “Bette has a personality so strong, so passionate, so…seductive, that it's very easy to get lost in her orbit, especially when you've been around her for so long. I am not going to blame her for my feelings, not again, but a few years ago, I started to feel lost. I didn't know where she began and where I ended. And while that seems romantic initially, I quickly started feeling stifled and angry." She took a deep breath. It was so hard to talk about this. She felt so much shame now. “We have a complicated history, but after everything, we both began to make career choices that put our family first. Bette's choices yielded better results. Mine…not so much.” 

Her voice cracked. God, she had blamed Bette for so much and so many things that were out of her control. 

“I felt stuck in my career. When we first moved to New York, everything was incredible. I was getting so many great projects, I felt like I was on top of the world. But after a few years, things slowed down. My career reached a kind of ceiling that I couldn't get through, and I blamed Bette”. 

She remembered all the horrible things they had said to each other. All the accusations spat in her ex-wife's face. Along the way, she had somehow forgotten that Bette, though not in the beginning, had, in fact, made choices to put her first. To put them first. After the move, Bette had turned down several offers to spend more time with them.

“But I forgot. God, I forgot. I don't know when it happened, but my go-to emotion at some point became anger. Anger is such an easy emotion to deal with, and it is so easy to let it out.”

And Bette had received all of it.

“The thing is, when you are in a relationship, you tend to put the blame on your partner. Because, of course, you do. It's easier. It's so much easier to blame someone else than yourself. You start to associate every little negative emotion with them until you're convinced it's them. That they are the issue. But usually, they are not. Bette was not the problem. She was never the problem”. 

That confession tasted like ruin and salvation all at the same time. 

“So you love her still. Even now. Even when you were with me.” She placed a gentle hand on Carrie's knee. Silently trying to apologize again.

“Love was never the problem with us.” Carrie stood up and finally let go of her hand, leaving a throbbing pain in her wrist. “God, Bette would kill her if she saw this, ” she thought before berating herself for thinking that. It was not Bette's responsibility, yet Tina kept doing this dance. She gave Bette all the power and then got mad at her for having it. She wanted Bette to protect her and then got angry for thinking she saw her incapable of defending herself. 

“I can't believe this,” her ex-fiancé was pale. 

She sighed. What else could she do at this point?

“I don't… I don't know what to tell you, Carrie. I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had realized things sooner. I wish I didn't hurt you or Bette. But I can't turn back time. I can only…sincerely apologize. I am so deeply sorry for hurting you.” Tina took a deep breath and stood up too. 

“I don't forgive you.” Carrie's voice was stern, but her eyes held such sadness.

Her heart went out to her ex-fiancé.

“I understand,” she did. She never expected forgiveness. 

“I can't forgive you,” Carrie's voice cracked.

“I know I don't deserve your forgiveness.” And the truth was, as much as she wanted it, she didn't need it. The only forgiveness she needed was from Bette and Angie.

“I can't… I can't see you right now. I can't… I just can't.” Carrie took two steps back, putting some distance between them.

“I understand, and I will move out. You won't have to see me if you don't want to.” She would have to check the nearby hotels. Considering the hour, she doubted it would be easy to find a place to stay.

“No, I will. I just…” Tina sighed. She just wanted to lie on a bed, crying her heart out, and rest for a while.

“No, no, no. Just…stay. We can figure this out later. I will move out. I did this. I changed everything. You came here for me. Take all the time you need. We can figure out what to do with the house later.” There were so many emotions rushing through her that she felt strangely numb. It was like her body couldn't decide which emotion to process first.

“I hate you. I hate you. I hate her.” Tina winced. She looked at her ex-fiancé with uncertainty. She thought Carrie might be in shock, not entirely processing everything they had discussed. And Tina feared what she might say or do when she did. She had seen what heartbreak could do to a person.

“I hate myself too, if I'm being totally honest.” And she did. But she also felt freer than she had in years.

“That makes me feel a little bit better.” Tina almost laugh. At least that made one of them.

“Bye, Carrie… I will come by tomorrow to pick up some of my stuff, okay?”. 

Carrie looked at her, her expression blank.

“Okay. Bye, Tina…” She quickly got into her car and slammed her head into the steering wheel. She felt drained. So very exhausted. It was as if her blood had congealed in her veins, forming a thick substance that made it difficult to move. She had to talk to Bette. God, she needed to speak with Bette like she needed to breathe, but she needed some time to collect herself. It wouldn't be fair to show up unannounced without first getting her thoughts in order. 

She needed to think.

What she said to Carrie was true; she hated herself a little. Why was it that whenever Bette tried to distance herself from her, she decided that she wanted her back? She had to make up her mind. Her family deserved that.

But God, she was scared out of her mind. When Bette talked about returning to the art world, she could almost see her meeting some artist that would sweep her off her feet. She could practically hear their hushed whispers and see their shy smiles, and it tore her heart out just to think about it. She knew it was only a matter of time. Bette was as charming as ever and so very beautiful. A born muse for any artist. Bette was walking and breathing art, so how could they not fall for her? How long would it take her ex-wife to realize she could have anyone she wanted. 

Thinking about that, she had the strangest feeling of déjà vu. As she imagined Bette going on about some artist, she could almost physically feel the parallels: Tina, in a perfectly safe relationship with a lovely but simple person, and Bette, drifting further and further away from her at the hand of an artist. Were they caught in some kind of time loop? Were they destined to make the same choices and mistakes over and over again? Were they somehow as doomed as Sisyphus (2) was?

She thought they had changed. God, they had. Then why were they repeating the same patterns after so many years?

She had to understand herself and heal her own demons.

But first, she needed to talk to Bette. She had to tell her some things. She was too old to play these games anymore. More than that, she needed to take a leap of faith and believe that Bette would catch her. She always had, and she hoped she still would. 

Bette

It had been three days since the hardest decision she had ever made. She still felt numb, like all the feelings were drained out of her body. She had used her time wisely, though, and reached out to some of her contacts to figure out which way to go and which was the right way forward.

She had told Tina that while she wanted to return to the art world, she needed to do it in a way that still honored Kit's memory. She was still figuring out how to do that, and her sister's death weighed heavily on her soul. She couldn't sit still and let this happen to more people.

She was jotting down some ideas when she heard a faint knock at the door. It was so soft that she almost thought she had imagined it, but then she heard the knocking grow stronger.

She strolled to the front door, grabbing her wallet in the process. She had been so lost in her thoughts and work that she forgot that she had ordered food for herself and Angie when she returned from Jordi's house. 

Absent-mindedly, she opened the door, and her heart skipped a beat when she saw Tina. All the air left her lungs. She looked phenomenal . As exquisite as ever. Somehow, her ex-wife seemed younger than the last time she saw her. More alive. There was a determination in her eyes that made her pulse race. Why was she here? Didn't she understand that she needed time? She wanted to be happy for her, she was trying, but it had to be done in small steps. In small doses, otherwise, she would die.

“Tina, I…what are you doing here? Angie's not home,” her voice was soft, but her lips trembled. At times like that, she hated the power that Tina still had over her. The power she would always, always have.

“I know,” Tina said softly. Her eyes begged her for something she couldn't decipher. “Can I come in?”

TBC

1. In Greek mythology, Aeolus is referred to as the ruler of the winds. 
2. In Greek mythology, Sisyphus is punished in the underworld by the god Zeus, who forces him to roll a boulder up a hill for eternity. Every time he nears the top of the hill, the boulder rolls back down.

Chapter Text

“Mi táctica es quedarme en tu recuerdo, no sé cómo ni sé con qué pretexto, pero quedarme en vos. ” - Mario Benedetti. 

Bette

(...)

Absent-mindedly, she opened the door, and her heart skipped a beat when she saw Tina. All the air left her lungs. She looked phenomenal. As exquisite as ever. Somehow, her ex-wife seemed younger than the last time she saw her. More alive. There was a sort of newfound determination in her eyes that made her pulse race. Why was she here? Didn’t she understand that she needed time? She wanted to be happy for her, she was trying, but it had to be done in small steps. In small doses, otherwise, she would die.

“Tina, I…what are you doing here? Angie’s not home,” her voice was soft, but her lips trembled. At times like that, she hated the power that Tina still had over her. The power she would always, always have.

“I know,” Tina said softly. Her eyes begging for something she couldn’t decipher. “Can I come in?”

She was stunned. It’s not that it was that rare for her to see the blonde, but at least since the divorce, they were rarely together alone; it was usually with Angie between them. Since Carrie, though, well, since Carrie, she avoided her ex-wife as much as she could. 

“Can I come in?” Tina softly repeated. How could Bette ever deny her anything when she asked so sweetly?

“I…Yes, of course,” she turned her body, leaving enough space for Tina to come through. When she did, Bette got a whiff of her perfume and felt all the feelings she had been suppressing rush to her face, filling her eyes with tears she refused to let go. “Do you want something to drink?” God, what a clumsy question. Tina hadn’t even crossed the entrance, “Tea? Whiskey?”. “ My beating heart? ” She thought sadly. 

“A tea would be nice, thank you.” Tina looked at her with an expression she hadn’t seen in years. She looked at her with adoration. With love. It made her heart tremble inside her chest, not knowing if it should beat louder or stop beating at all. 

“Coming right up,” she tried to keep her voice light but knew she was failing miserably. She started to make her way into the kitchen before stopping and turning to face the blonde, “uhm, you can wait in the living room or outside if you want. It’s a nice day out.” She pleaded internally that Tina accepted her offer. She desperately needed some minutes to gather herself. 

Her ex-wife looked at her like she could read her soul, and Bette feared that maybe she could. “It’s okay. I rather wait in the kitchen with you.”

With you, she said. With her? Bette felt every cell inside her body fill with anxious energy. She didn’t understand what was happening. Her last few interactions with Tina had been tense, bordering on passive-aggressive. So, she felt wholly unprepared for whatever was happening inside her ex-wife’s mind. 

“Okay…” She said hesitantly. Slowly, she started the process of making two cups of tea. It felt like an eternal task. Sweat was forming on the back of her neck. She could feel Tina’s eyes on her back, making her hands tremble, causing the whole thing to take much longer than necessary. 

Trying to keep as calm as she could, she took a breath. Counted to 10. Nothing was working, and not knowing what was happening was eating away at her. She was trying very hard to keep herself from snapping. She had been working on her temper for so long, but it was still so hard. Especially when she felt so out of control as now. 

The air felt unbearable. Thick with emotions she couldn’t identify. 

A few minutes passed in complete silence, and then, the tea was ready. 

“Here you go,” she passed one cup to Tina with trembling fingers, cradling the other against her chest. She wasn’t even sure she could drink anything. 

They sat on the kitchen stools for a few seconds, just looking at each other. 

“So, uhm…” Bette began slowly. She flexed her arms a bit, trying to release some of the tension in her body, and was flabbergasted at what she saw in Tina’s eyes: desire. When was the last time that particular look was directed at her? 

“Why am I here?” The blonde finished with a slight smile on her lips. “ Her beautiful, gorgeous lips ,” Bette thought before reprimanding herself. 

“Yes. I’m sorry. I…” She hesitated, “I don’t want to make it seem like I don’t want you here. It’s just…” It was just what? She didn’t even know what she wanted to say, only that she was confused. 

 
“I understand, and I am not…” Tina gulped, “I am not trying to make you uncomfortable. I just…” Bette realized with dazed comprehension why this exchange felt so surreal. It had been so long since she saw this side of Tina. While she would always love her ex-wife for everything she was and all that she wasn’t, in the last few years, a sweetness in her had slowly disappeared. She became harder, less soft. Quicker to anger. And Bette would never expect her not to change at all, but this Tina, she hadn’t seen this Tina in what felt like so long—not directed at her, at least. 

“You just?” She gripped the cup of tea in her hands until her fingertips were almost white, needing something to do with her hands so she didn’t start ripping her hair off. 

“I just needed to talk with you,” Tina said, looking down at the table. Her whole posture was shy, dubious. Scared. 

Scared? Why? Had something happened? 

“Talk with me? About what?” Bette started to spiral, “did something happen to Angie?” It was the only logical explanation. Why else would Tina be here?

God, Angie.

“No, no,” Tina grasped her hands, trying to calm her down. “No, Bette. It has nothing to do with Angie. She is okay. She is okay.” Her ex-wife repeated softly.

“Oh… Okay, that’s good.” She felt her heartbeat slowly return to normal, “so, what is it?” This was turning out to be a nervewrackingly slow conversation, and she was not okay with this amount of uncertainty. 

“I…” Tina opened and closed her mouth several times. She didn’t seem to know what to say. 

“I don’t want to be rude, Tina, but we haven’t spoken about anything that’s not Angie in so long,” that was a lie. They have talked about more things, like the election and Tina’s marriage, but she doubted the blonde was there to talk about any of those. “I just…what is there to say?”

Tina bitted her lower lip, and Bette clenched the desire that surged at the little gesture. God, she was still so weak for this woman. It was almost embarrassing. 

“I don’t know where to start,” her ex-wife looked at her as if begging her to understand her without words. Begging her to see something, anything. And Bette felt her heart fill with sadness all over again. 

“Well, as you know, I have never been that good at reading your mind, so I don’t know what to tell you,” her voice came out bitter. She tried to keep those emotions at bay but couldn’t help but think that maybe, Carrie didn’t have such a hard time understanding the inner workings of Tina’s mind. 

“Bette…” The blonde's voice was so small that Bette regretted her words instantly. She shouldn’t be taking her anger on her. She deserved better. 

“I’m sorry, that was uncalled for,” she squeezed one of the hands still on hers. 

“No, it’s okay,” Tina’s hand squeezed back. Their bodies had always been better at expressing their feelings than their words. 

“It’s not,” Bette argued. She was trying. God, she was trying not to be callous toward the people she loved. She shouldn’t be let off the hook so easily, dammit. 

“It is… Please, I didn’t come here to fight,” her ex-wife’s said more firmly this time. “Not at all.”

Bette took a deep breath and decided to let it go. No use in getting fixated on this tiny thing. It was so easy for her to get obsessed with little discussions that she forgot the bigger picture. She was trying to be better. She was. “Then why are you here?”

“I…” Tina inhaled deeply, “Can I ask something of you first?” her voice was so pleading that Bette was left speechless yet again. 

“What?” What could Tina possibly want from her? This whole conversation had her nerves fried. 

“Before I tell you, can I ask something of you?” Tina repeated, “I know I have no right to do so, but…”

No right? What?

“Of course, you can,” she interrupted her ex-wife, almost offended at the notion. “You always can, you know that.”

“I…Okay,” Tina gripped her hands with more strength this time, and Bette tried to keep her heart from throwing itself toward the other woman. Her palms were so warm.

“So?” She was losing her patience bit by bit.

“Just…” Tina began, “please keep an open mind, okay? I’m not… I am trying to work through this. And I want you to know that I have never intended to hurt you pointlessly.”

Bette was ready to start ripping her hair off her head if Tina didn’t rush. Her whole body was so tensed up she might as well be a statue at this point.

“That is not a good start,” she said dryly. 

“I know, just…can you promise me that?” Tina asked again. And her voice trembled just the tiniest bit, making all the anxious energy leave her body. She didn’t want her ex-wife to feel bad. That was never her intention. Then why did it seem like it was the only thing she did?

“Yes,” Bette said quickly. “Yes, I will keep an open mind. But please, bab…” She coughed, trying to cover her slip, “please, Tina, what’s going on?”

A small but bright smile appeared on the blonde’s lips at her slip, and Bette felt her pulse skyrocket again. 

“I broke up with Carrie,” Tina said quickly, and Bette opened her eyes in shock. 

What? She…What?

“What?” She said incredulously, feeling like she was in an alternate reality. 

“The wedding is off. I broke up with Carrie,” Tina’s voice was soft but firm. Her eyes fixed on her face, determined. 

Dazed, Bette discretely hit one of the table legs with her foot, trying to see if it hurt. Was she dreaming? What was this?

“What, but when?” She repeated, “what?” 

“Three days ago,” Tina said, and Bette felt her heartbeat in her throat. 

“Three days ago? But that was…” She began, but she didn’t know what to say. Three days ago, she made the hardest decision of her life, which somehow ended with Tina breaking up with Carrie. What. The. Fuck. 

“After the last time we were here, yes.” Tina seemed so calm that Bette couldn’t quite believe this was happening. 

“I don’t understand,” she said, starting to feel faint. “Why would you… But I…” Bette didn’t know what to say, where to start. “ But I just gave you my blessing. I just tore my heart out for you, ” she screamed internally. The corners of her eyes started to blur, and she felt on the verge of an anxiety attack. 

“Because I…” her ex-wife seemed to choke over her words, “I cannot marry someone else when I’m still in love with you”. 

Her back broke in a cold sweat. “What?”

“I’m sorry. God. I’m so sorry it took me so long to understand what I was feeling,” Tina moved her hands, trying to have a better hold of Bette’s. “I made a lot of mistakes. I don’t even know where to start”. Her voice was pleading, desperate. And Bette felt a wave of nausea hit her stomach.

What. Was. Happening. 

“Am I having a stroke?” She asked quietly.

Tina slipped her hands out of hers to cradle her face, making her look at her. 

“No, baby.” 

She felt her whole body drenched. She had just wished her the best. She had accepted that she had lost Tina forever and had just…

“It feels like a stroke,” her breath was ragged. Her heart was pounding in her ears, in her head. 

“It’s not,” Tina’s voice was so sweet, so soft. So caring. Her ex-wife’s thumbs slowly stroked her cheeks, making her lightheaded. 

“I don’t…” Bette began again, “this feels like a dream. Am I dreaming? Is that what this is?”

Her whole sense of reality felt wracked. Three days ago, she felt like she would die from heartbreak. 

“No baby, no. Oh, god. I’m so sorry.” She felt Tina’s finger tremble. Why was she apologizing? “I’m so sorry.”

“A lot of my dreams start like this,” she whispered. 

The chuckle that left Tina’s lips was so sad. She wanted to weep. “You are not dreaming, love.”

“Why…” She needed to understand, and everything felt so surreal. So sudden. “Why?”

“I have so much to tell you. So much I realized about myself,” her ex-wife kept hold of her face, making her look at her, trying to somehow show Bette that she was real. That this was happening. “And it all hit me like a slap to the face when you…”

Tina bit her lip, and Bette knew. She knew. 

“When I gave you my blessing,” she knew it wasn’t a blessing per se. But in her own way, she told her she was letting her go to be free. To be happy with someone else, without the burden of their relationship holding her back. 

“Yes,” the blonde looked at her with so much sadness that Bette couldn’t help but share it. Her chest ached tremendously, and she absent-mindedly wondered if this was how a heart attack felt. 

“Why? Why when I finally decide to let you go?” Her voice came out broken as if pieces of glass were in her throat, tearing each of her words. “Do you know how hard…you can’t even start to imagine how much I…” Bette didn’t know what to say first. 

“Because I’m an asshole,” Tina said dryly. Sadly. And Bette’s hand shot up, grabbing the hands on her cheeks. 

“No, you are not,” She said with conviction. 

“Yes, I am. And the most awful part is… I kept making you feel like you were the bad guy here,” She couldn’t deny that Tina’s words to her had hurt, and she had undoubtedly internalized that the blame for their marriage failing was hers. And now…now she didn’t know anything. 

She felt…lost. 

“I…yeah,” What more could she say? What more was there to say in this situation?

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” Tina brought their foreheads together and whispered those words like a prayer. And a tiny flicker of hope lighted on Bette’s heart. 

“I think I’m in shock,” she said dazedly. This whole thing felt like an out-of-body experience. She was watching, but somehow she wasn’t there. “I…what do you want, Tina? I don’t… I’m…I don’t know what you want anymore.”

Tina distanced herself a bit from her, grabbing her hands again, and moving them to her lap.

“I want you,” she said firmly, and Bette felt her breath catch in her throat. Could it really be that easy? 

“Tina…” she croaked out. Her heart felt so tender, so fragile. She knew most people saw her as the strong one between the two, but god, Tina could reduce her into a mess. She held so much power over her; she could break her with a single whisper if she wanted. 

“I know,” Tina said with so much confidence that Bette wondered again if she could somehow crawl inside her brain and just read her like a book. “I want you, but I…I am not asking you to give me another chance just yet.”

What. The. Fuck. 

“What the hell do you want then? ” she wanted to scream, but instead, she asked, “You are not?”

“No. I don’t…” Tina cleared her throat, biting her lip again, “I don’t deserve it. I need to do some deep thinking first. Maybe go back to therapy. I want to make sure I will not hurt you again.”

“Isn’t that my choice?” Bette thought. But simultaneously, “I don’t even know if I could…”

“If you could give me another chance,” they were just whispering to each other at this point. Each one was paralyzed with fear that something would break this moment. 

“I…I love you, Tina,” her ex-wife’s eyes filled with tears at her words. “I have loved you all my life. Sometimes I think I have loved you for a thousand lives. Our love feels so evident to me that, sometimes, I think there has to be an infinite amount of realities, and in each one of them, I am just as deeply in love with you as in this one,” her voice began strong but wobbled at the end. “But…”

“But I broke your heart…” Tina finished.

“No, Tina.” She rasped, “you broke my soul. My spirit. My whole being. I don’t even know how to put the pieces together again, and I don’t even know if I can go through it again. And I want to, god, I want to, but…” 

“It’s okay, baby. I know,” something in Tina’s eyes seemed to glow. A newfound strength of sorts, leaving Bette in awe of her. Even in this gut-wrenching situation, they were in, Bette couldn’t help but be in awe of everything that was Tina Kennard. 

“Do you?” She whispered. Did the blonde know? How could she know? 

“Yes,” she whispered. “Because even though it took me a while to realize it, I broke myself too. I am not asking for another chance, baby, not yet. Let me prove to you first that I can be trusted with your heart. Slowly. I…I know I have no right to ask anything from you. I am not here trying to make you decide. I just…I needed to let you know that… I never should’ve let you go. I would do anything for another chance. I’m not afraid to make a fool out of myself.” Tina’s words were an echo from another time, of words they never said to each other. And Bette’s heart clenched inside her chest. 

“Tina…” She loved this woman so much. She loved her in a way that she knew sometimes bordered on unhealthy, but she couldn’t help it. She was it, and no one could ever compare. Yet, she wasn’t sure if there were enough pieces of her heart to give to her. 

“I have so much to atone for, love. But I want you to know that I am here and will do the work,” she promised. Tina’s voice held a conviction that Bette couldn’t help but believe. 

“I have a lot of work to do, too,” and she did. She knew that. There were so many parts of her that scared her sometimes. 

“Baby, we both do,” the blonde whispered, oh, so lovingly that Bette felt a part of herself melt. “But you have grown so much, and I have just been to blind to see it.”

Her lungs filled with a sense of pride she hadn’t felt in a while. It felt so…surprising to hear this from her ex-wife; this acknowledgment that she had, indeed, changed for the better.

“Have I?” She asked shyly. Tina could make the toughest woman on earth tremble and fall to her feet if she wanted. She had done it several times. She just didn’t realize the power she held. 

“Yes, love,” She said sweetly. “And I’m sorry for making you feel like you haven’t.” 

She could’ve cried. The blonde’s words were a balm to her bruised heart. Suddenly, she was filled with so much adoration for the woman. 

“I love you,” she couldn’t help herself. The words came stumbling from her mouth before she could even try to stop them. But she meant them, oh god, she meant them.

Tina’s face flushed with delighted surprise. Her eyes widened and glassed over. Her lips trembled, and then, the most beautiful smile overtook her face. Her whole expression screamed hope, and it was…breathtaking.

“I love you too, so much, baby.” The blonde croaked out. Her lips were trembling, but she was glowing. Glowing because of Bette.

“I just don’t…” She hesitated. She didn’t have the words to convey how scared she was. How much love she had, and how much it terrified her. 

“I know,” Tina said softly. And in her eyes, she saw an understanding that left her feeling raw. 

Bette wasn’t sure what to say. She didn’t want to say no but wasn’t ready to say yes. It was all so…complicated. “But maybe…”

Tina squeezed her hands gently, speaking wordlessly, “I will wait.”

 A knot in her stomach softened. Not all was lost, after all. “Will you?”

“Yes,” her eyes said everything her words didn’t. And Bette’s heart softened a little bit more. 

“Okay,” she whispered. 

“Okay,” Tina answered. 

God. She could happily spend the rest of her life and afterlife watching this woman. Delighting herself on her beauty. Feasting on her curves. Marveling at her softness. “You are so beautiful.” Bette couldn’t stop her words. Her chest was wide open, vulnerable. There was no deceiving left in her, no armor, just tender emotions and hopeful whispers that begged her ex-wife to be careful with the cargo in her hands. Bette’s heart had never left her owner after all. 

Tina’s eyes filled with tears again, and Bette’s beating stopped at the look on her face, at the emotion that screamed at her: reverence. “You are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. Inside and out.”

Her heart and her soul soared at the blonde’s words. “Can I…” She hesitated. 

“Yes?” Tina asked slowly. Seemingly scared at what was to come. 

Bette wasn’t thinking logically anymore. She just needed…” Can I kiss you?”

Her ex-wife gasped, eyes wide in disbelief, “are you sure?”

She gently cradled Tina’s cheek between her hands. Her skin felt so soft. “No, but I just need to remind myself of…” She didn’t know what. She just knew that she needed to know what they were fighting for and to remind them both of their connection somehow. 

“I…I understand,” Tina let out a shaky breath. “Of course, you can. You always can.”

Bette let out a dry chuckle, “no, not always. Not until now. ” She thought bitterly before casting her eyes towards the blonde. Timidly she pushed her ex-wife against her, leaving her face just a breath away. 

Tina’s pupils were blown wide up, and Bette felt a primal sense of accomplishment at managing that with so little. Slowly, she pressed the softest kiss against the blonde. Their lips brushed shyly against one another. It was some sort of greeting, a welcome home, and Bette felt it in her bones. They both opened their mouths at the same time, and the desire hit her like a punch to the gut. 

With one movement, she distanced herself from Tina. Both breathed heavily from the innocent exchange, knowing how easy it would be to lose control. 

God, she burned for that woman. 

Tina looked at her and smiled. It was timid but resolute, and Bette couldn’t help but smile back. “I will go, okay? Just…Just know that I will be here, and I will be around. Take all the time you need.”

She knew they needed time. They needed to talk a lot before jumping to whatever it was they always did when they got back together. But god, she didn’t want to. “I…Okay,” there wasn’t anything else to say. 

“Okay,” Tina whispered, almost repeating it to herself. To convince herself to let go. Slowly, the blonde stood up from the kitchen stool and bent down to kiss her on the head. 

“Goodnight, T,” she whispered softly. Almost afraid to break whatever spell they were under. 

Tina smiled. “Goodnight, baby.”

TBC

Chapter Text

“No es que muera de amor, muero de ti.

Muero de ti, amor, de amor de ti,

de urgencia mía de mi piel de ti,

de mi alma, de ti y de mi boca

y del insoportable que yo soy sin ti.”

– Jaime Sabines

Tina

Tina was overwhelmed. She wanted to drop to her knees and beg Bette to forgive her. Beg her to hate her, to love her, to keep her, to scream at her. She didn’t know exactly what she wanted, but she wanted something, anything. 

Everything. 

“Can I…” Bette hesitated, and Tina felt her heart tremble. She was paralyzed by the fear that Bette would somehow regret this, whatever this was.

She was afraid Bette would regret her.

“Yes?” Tina asked slowly, watching Bette take a deep breath in and out. 

In and out. In and out. In and out. 

“Can I kiss you?” Tina’s eyes widened. She had to have heard wrong. She had to. So she asked her if she was sure. She wouldn’t survive if Bette kissed her and then regretted it. 

But Bette wanted to know. And god, how could Tina ever deny her that? 

How could Tina ever deny her anything at all?

So they stood before each other, their eyes locked in silent conversation; their eyes whispering what their mouths couldn’t. She saw Bette hesitate, her heart racing as she reached out a trembling hand to touch Tina's cheek. She leaned into the touch, closed her eyes, and let out a shaky breath. 

Being around her ex-wife was as intoxicating as ever; she wanted to burn the memory of that moment into her eyelids so she could see it every time she closed her eyes.

Their lips met in a tentative kiss, soft and hesitant, as if trying to remember what it felt like to be close; as if trying to see if the broken pieces of themselves still fit together. But as the seconds ticked by, fear was replaced by longing and familiarity, and their worries melted away at the taste of home.

For a moment, they forgot everything but each other. And then she opened her mouth to deepen the kiss, and suddenly it was over.

“ You got carried away; you need to let Bette take the lead on this, ” she berated herself. But she couldn’t help herself, that kiss…

In that kiss, Tina saw her whole life flash behind her eyes. All the times she wanted to speak but didn't. All the times she wanted to hold Bette but couldn't. That single moment was somehow a balm for wounds she never quite realized hadn't healed properly. In that encapsulated pocket of time, Bette was her benediction, her absolution. The kiss they shared felt like a baptism, the start of a new beginning. A cleansing that washed away any doubt that could ever linger in her: this woman was all. All there was, all there would ever be, everything between heaven and earth. All the sacred words she had heard growing up. Her belief in magic began and ended with this breathtakingly beautiful woman who had given her the absolute light of her life; their daughter.

And Bette had said she loved her. Someway somehow, Bette still loved her. After everything, she still loved her. And god, Tina loved her more. And it wasn’t love quantified; she didn’t mean it in a measurement of love. No, Tina loved her more: more than her fears, more than her past, more than her trauma, more than everything that had ever made her run away in the first place. More than all the inevitable human need to protect themselves. More, more…just more. 

She loved her more. And truthfully, who could ever love Bette Porter less?

She looked at her ex-wife and knew she had to leave. She had done everything she could that day, but her chest felt on fire and her knees felt like cotton had replaced the bone. It was an unbearable feeling. And oh, how she had missed it. 

How she had missed the brunette’s own brand of love, no one had ever loved her quite like that.

No one had ever fought that hard to keep her. 

Tina couldn't help but notice the way Bette held on to their relationship. It was as if she was clinging to a precious artifact that could slip through her fingers and break at any moment. And in a way, Tina supposed it was true. Her ex-wife had always been the one to fight for them, even when it seemed they were at their lowest.

But despite Bette's best efforts, Tina had left her three times, and it surprised her (as much as it delighted and saddened her) that her ex-wife hadn't told her to fuck off yet. It was a fact that weighed heavily on Tina's heart, and she couldn't help but wonder if some part of the brunette would always be waiting for her to come back.

Bette believed in their love the way a child believes in miracles: by clinging to the assumption that the magic is real, even when the world tells them otherwise. And despite the disappointment that came with each of Tina's departures, Bette kept on believing. She held on to the hope that they could make it work, that their love was worth fighting for. And it was. 

Their love would always be worth fighting for.

Maybe that was what had been so hard for her to understand. Bette loved her in an inexplicable way: with her head, like a woman, and with her heart, like a child.

She loved her as a grown woman; she weighed the pros and cons, meditated on her words, and cared for her. She took careful steps and was a steady presence through life's obstacles. She was her rock and her greatest supporter.

But she also loved her like a child: selfishly but purely. All emotional and ready to give up everything for her. Demanding her sole attention and looking at her with those eyes that looked at her as if she could do no wrong, as if she was bringing back magic with every step she took, with every breath she took.

Words could never describe how much she adored the passion in Bette’s heart. 

They talked for a few more minutes before she finally allowed herself to leave, leaving Bette to her thoughts and giving herself a few moments to grieve for the years they could have had together if different choices had been made.

Bette

Two days after her conversation with Tina, she sat on a barstool, hunched over her drink as Alice and Shane gathered around her. The dim light from the bar flickered on her face, casting shadows that only served to accentuate the disbelief, pain, and hope etched into it.

It was the strangest mix of emotions she had ever experienced. But then again, Tina had always been good at making her feel things she had never felt before.

Her friends had been trying to engage her in conversation for the last 20 minutes, but her mind was elsewhere. She had already told them everything that had happened: Tina's surprise visit, the apology, the kiss, the crying, everything.

Everything but the tender feelings her heart couldn't help but conjure.

"So... what are you going to do?" Alice said for the fourth time in the conversation. 

Bette sighed and rubbed her temples with her fingers, "I don't know."

Alice and Shane looked at each other; they weren't as surprised as Bette was. Although the way it happened was completely unexpected, they had always believed that the two of them would get back together eventually.

They were meant to be. Everyone but them seemed to know that. Actually, everyone except Tina until a few days ago.

"I still can't believe she said that," the blonde said, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. Bette almost laughed; she didn't either. It still felt like a dream she hadn't woken up from. 

"Me neither," she said. Bette was still expecting the alarm to go off and wake her from this illusion; this fever dream her subconscious had conjured up. 

" Like, did she really break up with Carrie?" Alice asked again, and Bette was ready to leave this conversation. She loved her friends dearly, they had been through so much with her, but sometimes they (Alice) could be exhausting, especially in moments like this. 

"It seems so," was all she could say. To be honest, she and Tina didn't talk much about what had happened between the blonde and Carrie, only that it had ended and that Tina regretted their divorce. There were so many questions she didn't have answers for. 

"You're much less excited than I thought," well, wasn't that the truth? She was excited in a way, but at the same time, she wasn't. 

"I... I just don't know how to feel," she said. And she didn't; she loved Tina. God, she loved her in an intrinsic, almost metaphysical way that she couldn't explain.

The kiss they shared still burned in the back of her mind. Holding Tina so close had been so familiar. In that little exchange, surrounded by the blonde's scent, she inhaled safety and exhaled love. Tina smelled like a memory but tasted like home.

Shane patted her shoulder gently, "It's okay; you don't have to have it all figured out; it's a complicated situation." Bette smiled. As much as she loved them both, Shane had always been better at reassuring her. They were kindred spirits, in a way. 

"The hell it is; Tina was an asshole, yes, but you love her, right?" The blonde wouldn't let up, and as much as it frustrated her, Bette could appreciate that it came from a place of concern. But God, she didn't have any answers to give. 

"I..." She tried, but her voice caught in her throat.

“Right?” Alice insisted.

"Yes," she said; it wasn't that she didn't love Tina; that had never been the problem. Never. 

"Then what's the problem?" she could see in Alice's face that she knew she was pushing it, but she also knew that the blonde was not one to let things go.

"It's not that simple," was all she could offer. Part of her thought that the problem was more than fear and emotions. The problem was that she had done something she never thought she would do; she had let Tina go. She didn't know how to come back from that. 

"Of course, it is," the blonde countered.

“Alice…” Shane said, looking at her sternly. 

“What?” Alice frowned, holding Shane’s gaze.

“Chill,” the bar owner repeated, and Bette was once again filled with a sense of gratitude for her youngest friend. 

"I just don't understand," she couldn't help but smile. Alice could annoy her in a way that few people could now, but she saw in her face the concern that she had for the situation and was grateful for it.

Bette snorted, “I don’t understand myself either, believe me.”

The blonde threw her hands up to the ceiling in exasperation. "But... I just don't get it; why aren't you more excited?"

She swallowed, "I think I'm just...scared."

"Scared?" The blonde echoed. 

"Yes," was all that came out of her mouth, causing her friend to ask, "why?”

"I just, she left me three times already. Why wouldn't she do it again? What's stopping her?" Bette clutched the drink in her hands, fingers shaking.

"Nothing," Alice said matter-of-factly. Her two friends looked at her in disbelief.

"Damn it, Alice," Shane slapped the table and frowned at the blonde.

"What? It's true, nothing can stop her. But she came back, right?" was the answer, and Bette could see the point her friend was trying to make. It didn't make it any easier though. 

"I guess so."

"She always comes back, Bette, and you always wait. It has always been that way. If you didn't really want this, you would have stopped waiting." Alice's eyes softened before she put her hand over Bette's.

"It's not that simple," she had the feeling that all she had done in the past few days was go around in circles over the same thing.

Shane rubbed her back in silent support, “Of course, and you can take the time you need.”

"But you shouldn't," Alice said, tightening the grip on her hand.

"Alice..." Shane began, pinching her nose in annoyance.

"She shouldn't!" The blonde defended herself, looking at her younger friend before turning her attention to her, "You're just going to be miserable".

"Alice, I'm not like you," she replied. 

"Like me? What do you mean?" Alice's face morphed into a puzzled expression. 

"You have this... tremendous capacity to forgive and love. I'm not like that. I... Tina can break me; I'm afraid I've lost so many pieces of myself over the years that I don't even know who I am anymore," her voice trembled, and she was embarrassed at her show of weakness.  

"You are Bette goddamn Porter," Alice said firmly with narrowed eyes.

Shane nodded beside her and patted her on the shoulder. "You are."

Bette snorted, "Come on guys, I..."

Alice held up a hand to stop her, "No, you are. You have always been this strong, passionate woman who stands up for everything she believes in. That's who Bette Porter is. That's one of the reasons why we love you so much. Why Tina loves you so much.”

She felt a pang of anger simmering inside her at that, "it's also one of the reasons she left me.”

“It’s also the reason she came back,” Alice countered.

Bette knew her friend had a point, but she couldn't just decide everything at that moment, "Maybe. God, I don't know. I just need time to process. Can I have that?"

Shane looked at her with understanding in her eyes, "of course you can." At the same time, Alice smiled cheekily, "Of course! For now."

"Alice." Shane groaned. 

"What? She needs us to get her out of her funk!" Alice quipped, and Bette couldn't help but smile at her.

"Maybe I do," she admitted. They and Angie were the only reason she was still standing.

"See?!" There was so much smugness in the blonde's voice that she and Shane couldn't help but laugh.  

"You're a character, Alice," she squeezed her friend's hand affectionately.

"But you love me," came the answer. And both Shane and she couldn't help but agree. 

They changed the subject for a while, talking about Shane's plans for the bar and Alice's show, before the blonde asked a question that was secretly eating away at her, "What are you going to tell Angie?"

God, she didn't know. 

"Did Tina tell her about Carrie?" the blonde asked. It was a legitimate concern. 

"I don't know," she wondered. She didn't know how to bring it up, the name of her ex-wife's ex-fiancé still tasted bitter on her tongue. 

"Is she going to?" Alice pressed.

"I don't know, Alice! I don't know," she became frustrated again. God, she just wanted to wake up and suddenly have this whole mess fixed.

"Maybe you should ask her," her friend said quietly, and Bette sighed. 

"I should; I'm just... not ready to talk to her yet. I don't want to say something I'll regret," she was afraid that her emotions would get the better of her, that she would revert to her more impulsive side. 

"Maybe that's your problem," Alice offered, and Bette looked at her in confusion. "What?"

"For the last few years, you've been thinking so much about what to say that you forget to say it. You forget to feel it," the blonde seemed so sure of what she was saying that it made her think for a second. 

"I don't...think so." Did she? She had always been the impulsive one; had she really changed that much?

"Yes, your walls have always been higher, but now... you're stuck inside, inside your feelings, you don't let anything go out. Tina is the opposite. She doesn't have any walls, she says everything". Maybe her friend was right. 

"Maybe," she admitted.

"Maybe?" Alice echoed.

"Yeah, I don't know. God, I just..." Bette stumbled over her words. 

"You just?"

"I love her so much," she admitted.

"We know," Alice's voice was so deadpan that she couldn't help but laugh.

"God, I feel pathetic," she groaned, throwing her head back. 

"You are a little," the TV host teased.

"Alice!" her voice was exasperated. Sometimes she couldn't believe the woman's gall. 

"You are! But it's nice. I miss that kind of love, you know? You are lucky," the blonde's eyes held so much nostalgia that it broke something inside her. 

"Am I?" she asked quietly, and Alice looked at her. "You are."

"Shane?" Bette turned to her dark-haired friend.

"You are. that kind of love...It's not easy to find. It's even harder to keep. I would know." Her youngest friend's face was suddenly filled with a longing, a sadness that made her chest tighten. Her deepest wish was that her friend would find the love she deserved, no matter what form it took.

God, they were all such a fucking mess.

"Oh, Shane." The hand that wasn't holding Alice's moved to Shane's shoulder and gently squeezed it.

"It's okay, I... It's okay," the bar owner let out a shaky sigh. 

"Are we going to be okay?" She smiled sadly and looked at her two friends. Her family. 

"I hope so. I'm sure we will," Shane replied quietly, and Alice nodded.

They would be alright.

TBC

Chapter Text

“He cometido el peor de los pecados

que un hombre puede cometer. No he sido

feliz. Que los glaciares del olvido

me arrastren y me pierdan, despiadados.

Mis padres me engendraron para el juego

arriesgado y hermoso de la vida,

para la tierra, el agua, el aire, el fuego.

Los defraudé. No fui feliz. Cumplida”

– Jorge Luis Borges

Tina

Her hands shook as she opened the door. And oh, how the fear gripped her soul with cold, dead fingers that pierced stabbing wounds into her heart. Fear, it seemed, had become an unwanted visitor inside her chest, making shelter inside her ribcage, carving warning signs into her bones. Bette had asked her if she could check on Angie since she was meeting with Alice and Shane, and she appreciated that her ex-wife had taken the time to tell her. 

That she had taken the time to ask her. 

Bette told her how she needed to talk and process everything they had discussed, and Tina understood. But God, how she wished Bette felt safe enough to confide in her. But she knew it was her own fault and that she was in good hands. Her friends were incredible people, odd and a bit wild at times, but precisely the kind of people you want in a crisis. God, they had been through so much together. 

She had missed them so much. And she regretted not telling them that every day. 

She had just left her purse on the sofa when she heard Angie walk in. Her heartbeat doubled in her chest. 

"Hey honey," she said, trying to sound much more confident than she really was. She had been worried about Angie since her conversation with Bette two days ago. She knew they needed to talk to their daughter but didn't know where to start or how.

Angie looked at her in surprise. "Oh, hey T, I didn't expect to see you today."

A cold feeling settled in her chest at the thought that she might be unwelcome there. In what used to be her home too. She was so anxious that everything set seemed to set her off.

It was so very tiring. 

“Oh,” she stuttered.  “I’m sorry, do you prefer…?” Tina didn’t know how to end that phrase without breaking her own heart. Her lips trembled.

Angie immediately hurried to interrupt her, startled. “No! No, that’s not what I meant, I mean, I just thought that, I guess I’ve been under the impression that…” her fists clenched, and her eyes were looking everywhere but at her. “I just…because you are planning your wedding, I thought that I would see you less, that’s all. I’m glad you are here. I guess I’m glad I was wrong about that”

Oh, Oh.

Had her daughter been feeling like that all this time? “Oh baby, how long have you been feeling like that?” 

Angie blanched, and she saw her struggle to get her words out. With a painful realization, she understood that the girl had never meant to tell her that. Her daughter never planned to disclose those fears to her. “No, I mean…I don’t, I don’t feel like that, it’s just…I don’t know.” 

Tina crossed the small distance that separated them in three long strides, gently taking her daughter, her baby angel, into her arms. “Oh, my love, I would never stop seeing you. Never ever.”

Angie buried her head into her neck, grasping the back of her shirt harshly. “I…I’m not…I,” She mumbled brokenly, not managing to say anything else. 

Tina’s eyes filled with tears, and her arms trembled around her girl, god, her baby. “You are my priority, baby, always. Always.”

Angie let out a dry chuckle that almost shattered her soul. “Not really, though.”

“What do you mean?” Tina whispered. What did that mean? Had Angie thought that the whole time? was this how she had made her daughter feel? God, had she really inflicted that much pain on her family?

“You left,” Angie whispered, tightening even more the grip she had on her shirt. “You left us.”

“Angie…” Tina whispered. She wanted to tell her that it wasn’t like that. That it was more complicated than leaving them behind, that she never meant to do that. But she stayed silent. Maybe it was like that, and she had to own it. “ Maybe it’s me that needs to listen this time, ” she thought to herself. 

“You did! I know you were searching for yourself and all, but you did. And I am happy for you, I really am, but you left, and…” Her voice was so small it reminded her of when she was a child, taking turns between signing and speaking. “And…Why couldn’t you come back? When you found yourself, why didn’t you just come back?”

Why hadn’t she, indeed?

“I…I am so sorry, baby.” The truth was, she didn’t have all the answers yet. It seemed like her own emotions were a sea she was only just starting to discover, to conquer, and it was overwhelming. But the thing she did know was that her daughter deserved to be apologized to. 

“It’s okay, and I’m not mad. I’ve had Mama B, but…I guess I just miss you sometimes, that's all. But I’m glad you are here.” Angie’s breathing seemed to start to calm down, and with trembling fingers, she let herself brush her daughter’s hair again and again and again until her own breathing calmed down too.

“I will keep being here, honey,” her voice held promise towards her daughter and to herself.

She would do better. She would be better.

“It’s okay, Mom, I know you have wedding stuff and all; I’m not, like, attacking you, I just…I guess I just needed to say it. I’m not trying to guilt you into anything.” Oh, when had her baby grown up so much?

“I know you are not, baby,” she whispered. “I know you are not.”

Angie squeezed her for a few seconds like she wanted to engrave this hug into her before letting her go. “Then, that’s that.”

Angie started to move, but Tina kept her in her arms. “No.”

“No?” her daughter looked so dumbfounded that she would have laughed were it not for the news she had to share.

“No, I…God, I know I made some mistakes,” her throat felt parched. “And I want us to talk them through. I want you to tell me everything you think and feel.”

Angie detangled herself from Tina and took two steps back. “I don’t…think that’s a good idea.”

The look on her daughter’s face made her freeze. Her stomach felt like a pool of acid, and her lungs seemed petrified. 

“Why?” Tina asked tentatively, taking a step forward.

Angie looked nervous, and god, it hurt. “Just because…”

“Because…Carrie? My marriage? Your mom? Me?” she took another step forward but stopped at her daughter's expression. 

Was she…afraid? God, her stomach hurt so much. Like her intestines had turned into snakes, squeezing every last bit of hope from her. 

“I mean, yes, no, I don’t know…” She stumbled upon her words, and all Tina wanted was to comfort her. But how? when she was the one causing it. 

“Baby…” her voice was a soft whisper. She didn’t know what more to say. How to convince her daughter to trust her. 

“It doesn’t matter, Mom.” Angie’s hands were clenched at her side, and she seemed to get increasingly agitated as the seconds passed. 

“It matters,” she said firmly. “Of course, it matters!”

“It doesn’t!” Angie snapped.

“I’m not getting married,” she blurted before cringing inwardly. Fifty years and counting hadn’t taught her how to manage stress better. 

“It doesn’t…what?” Her daughter’s face was a poem she didn’t want to interpret. Not at the moment, it hurt too much. 

“I’m not getting married.” She whispered. 

“Did you postpone it?” Angie’s tone was harsh, and Tina berated herself for not waiting.

A few seconds passed between them in total silence. They were just looking at each other, and Tina had never wished more than for the floor to swallow her more. 

God, she had been angry at Bette for so long for her reactions, and she was no better. 

“No, I…we broke up. I broke up with Carrie.” She finally said.

Angie’s eyes were wide, and her jaw slacked. “What?! When?!”

Tina looked at the ceiling and prayed for a bit of good luck. For serenity to possess her. To magically be gifted the gift of words. “A few days ago,” she admitted. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Her daughter’s voice trembled. It seemed her whole body was crumbling.

“I just…” she coughed, trying to regain her voice. “I had to think about it first and speak to your mom.”

Angie’s expression hardened. “With Mama B? Why?”

“Because I…” Tina swallowed, trying to form the correct words. 

Her hesitation only seemed to anger her daughter more. “Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“Angie…” she tried. 

“You still love her!” Angie screamed, and Tina felt her heart turn to dust. 

God, could they ever overcome this whole mess as a family? Would they ever get past this and be happy again together?

“Baby…”

“You do; you still love her!” Angie’s voice cracked, and she started to cry. Her tears were streaming down her cheeks, right into Tina’s heart. 

“I…I do,” She admitted. Was there anything else she could do at this point? Could honesty be enough?

“I can’t believe you!”

“Angie…” Tina grabbed her daughter’s shoulders, trying to calm her, but Angie shook her off. 

“I can’t; no, that’s not fair,” she crossed her arms, seemingly trying to hug herself.

“I know,” and she knew. God, she knew it wasn’t fair. But she couldn’t help herself. When it came to Bette, when it came to Angie, when it came to her family , she couldn’t help herself. 

“No, you don’t know!” Angie’s voice was filled with disappointment and anger, which hurt more than anything in her life. “You weren’t here, you weren’t here! I had to be here for all of it, I was here when you left, I was here when Aunt Kit died, and you didn’t show up; I have been here all the time, and B wasn’t doing good. But sometimes, I wasn’t doing good either, and we needed you.” Her voice seemed to lose force before getting a final wind. “We. Needed. You! And you left!”

“Oh, baby…” She came close to her daughter again, and finding no resistance, she took her into her arms once more. 

“We needed you, and you left.” Angie sobbed into her chest. 

“I’m so sorry. I am so so very sorry.” She whispered against her hair again and again. 

“Why did you leave me too?” She asked brokenly. And at that moment, Tina swore to herself that she would do anything, anything at all, to fix this. To assure her that she was the most important thing in her life. 

Even if Bette didn’t want her back, even if she never forgave her, she would be better for Angie. She would be better for them both. Her daughter was the best gift life had given her, and she couldn’t believe that she had forgotten to cherish that at some point. 

I swear it on my life. 

“I didn’t, darling, my sweet angel, I didn’t, there was something I needed, and I didn’t know how to go through with it, but you had nothing to do with it. Nothing at all.” She whispered, tightening their hug. “I was just…selfish.”

“I missed you so much, Mom. B missed you so much.” Angie admitted softly, warming her heart.

“I missed you too, honey. I missed you both like a missing limb.” The truth was, she was here, and she still missed them. She missed their life together. 

“Are you…” Angie hesitated.

“Am I?” Tina repeated.

“Are you coming back? Here?” She finally asked. 

“To L.A?” Tina clarified. 

“Yes.”

“I will try,” she promised. And she would. She was set on coming back. It would take a while, some effort, and some convincing, but she would do it. 

“You will?” there was so much hope in her daughter’s voice that it seemed to sweep through her own pores, filling her with a renewed light. 

“Yes,” she confirmed. “I love Toronto, but it’s not home. I have made a name for myself; I can take my pick of projects. And I want to be here before you go to college. I want to be here when you go on dates and get all nervous about what to wear. I want to be here for all those things. I want to share a space with my family again.”

“You do?” Her daughter took a step back, looking at her face as if trying to read the honesty in her expression.

“Of course, honey.” She held her stare, hoping that her eyes showed her certainty. 

“I want you to be here too,” Angie admitted smiling, before hugging her again. 

“Then I will do everything in my power to make it happen,” Tina promised.

Angie broke the hug and took her hands, looking at her thoughtfully.

“I don’t mind If you are not always here; I understand that. But…I don’t want you to be away for so long again. I…we need you here, Mom.” Her voice was soft but understanding. And it filled Tina with both pride and sadness to know that her daughter was maturing so much. 

“I think…I need to be here too. For you both, but for myself too.” 

“I’m happy.” Angie’s smile seemed to light her whole face, and Tina felt like she could breathe for the first time in months. 

“Me too, baby.”

“But Mom…”

“Yes?”

“Please don’t hurt B again. I know we fight, and I have been mad at her more times than I can count, but…I don’t want her to be sad again,” she said seriously before adding, “I don’t know if I would be able to forgive you if that happens.”

God, she wouldn’t forgive herself, either.

“I will try my hardest never to hurt her again or you again. I swear.” Tina lifted her little finger as a promise, making her daughter giggle.

“Mom…” 

“Yes, baby?”

“Do you really love mom?”

“I do.”

“Are you going to fight for her?”

“With everything, I am.”

“Okay, then.”

Angie smiled, and Tina thought that maybe, things might be okay. 

TBC

Chapter Text

Interlude on hope

Bette

It is exactly 3:07 a.m. when she finds it. It's not on purpose, really. She's only had an hour's sleep since Alice, Shane and she parted ways after a well-deserved get-together where the drinks were maybe a little more generous than they should have been and the feelings were a lot rougher than they all meant to be.

Her heart still felt a little too tender.

It is exactly 3:04 a.m. when she wakes up, thirsty and with a dry mouth. Slowly, she moves to get down and grab a glass of water from the kitchen. It feels like it's been years since she had the beginnings of a hangover, and it makes her feel extremely old.

To be her age, and be drawinging her heartache in alcohol. 

How messy. How liberating.

At 3:06 a.m., she stumbles over one of the kitchen stools and, without realizing it, slides one of her feet under the table, pushing a small golden object out of its hidden place and freezing her in place.

There it was, glowing under the moon, laughing at her from the floor. And god, it reminds her of West Hollywood. 

And despite it all, Bette Porter remembers West Hollywood, oh, so very well. 

She often wishes she didn't, but you see, memories have a nasty and unwelcome habit of creeping into the back of your mind like a stray cat with a penchant for finding all the unlocked entrances.

Memories stick to your mind whether you want them to or not, sometimes like anchors, sometimes like leeches.

Every once in a while, she remembers West Hollywood better than her own present and it makes her hurt all over again.

She remembers it so well that sometimes it feels like she's a ghost of her own life. Like she's forever haunting the remnants of what might have been.

And she tries not to. God knows she tries. But it's hard not to. There is no forgiveness in the smell of coffee that caresses her senses as she walks the streets of Los Angeles. The smell takes her back to a time when she was someone she recognized, not the lost version of herself she keeps seeing in the mirror. When moments like that happen, she thanks the heavens that her daddy built her spine out of steel and fear so she could keep standing up when every cell in her body told her not to.

Her body was strong, but her soul was cracking slowly. 

Perhaps she had always been as cold as everyone said. Or maybe she had always been like molten graphite, burning hot on the inside and rock solid on the outside.

Sometimes, without warning, her mind would conjure up images of a house with a pool, filled with lost phantoms of happiness. She dreams of a place that once meant everything. 

Those are the days when she tends to make bad choices. Bad decisions help her forget.

It was always easier for her to get lost in the chaos than in the pain.

And so she remembers West Hollywood every day for as long as she can recall. She remembers The Planet. Every step feels like a needle, her whole soul is like a contracted muscle that can't seem to work properly. Her body feels too tight for her emotions, and in the worst moments, she finds herself spilling them everywhere.

All over her life, all over the people she loves. All over herself, trying to fill the ever-emptying hole in her heart. 

Everywhere she goes, she hears Kit's voice whispering. She was always the heart while she was the mind, but how could she be alive without a heart? She was a living, walking crime scene, a shell of a human with her chest ripped open.

Sometimes she looks at Angelica and has to swallow the urge to sob; there's so much of her sister in her little girl that it feels like both a blessing and a punishment.

Angie has been her blessing for far longer than she could ever express, and she's paralyzed by the fear of being the black hole of her little girl's life. She works every day not to be.

For a while, she thinks West Hollywood remembers her, too. 

She believes it with all her heart because she can't deal with unrequited love, it hurts too much. It is too much of a reminder of the scars she has kept so close to her chest. The lies she told herself so many times. 

For a while, she's convinced that her heart is still protected by the familiar streets and the blazing sun. She goes to West Hollywood once a year, every year for almost a decade. She doesn't tell anyone.

She can't. 

At first, she didn't, because it was embarrassing to be so attached to the place that felt like her own Pompeii, the place where she was her best, the highest she'd ever been, and the same place where she lost it all.

Then she couldn't, because she could see her own present crumbling beneath her feet, and it felt like the memories were the only thing keeping her alive.

For a while, she thinks Hollywood remembers her too. She keeps seeing flashes of her life, and she still feels them with her. She thinks West Hollywood remembers her, too, until Tina Kennard doesn't, and then it feels like nothing remembers her.

From that point on, Hollywood hides from her. It hides from her as Tina hides from her calls, her emails, and her thoughts. It hides from her as her hopes seem to have hidden in the deepest parts of her belly, leaving her dark and tired.  

She misses Hollywood, but Hollywood doesn't miss her. Just like she misses Tina, but she doesn't miss her back. 

She doesn't cry when Tina leaves. It takes her three days to get her emotions under control. But on the fourth day, she cries so hard and for so long that it feels like nothing could ever bring her joy again. She doesn't cry again for a long time. Crying has never solved anything for her, so she runs. She runs faster than ever, as fast as she can, without really leaving anything behind.

She never truly wanted to leave. She was always just waiting for Tina to ask her to stay.

She despises her luck, but it doesn't surprise her that this is the moment when her wedding ring decides to make an appearance. The nights have always been the hardest for her. She hasn't slept well in months, her mind is still painfully active, stuck on Tina. On Tina's marriage. On having held her in her arms just a few years ago and now having lost her again. Logically, she knows that Tina is not really hers to lose, not anymore. But now that it's all over, she realizes that a part of her always knew she would lose Tina. That she was destined to lose her.

But that didn't make it any less painful. Because in the end...she lost her wife and it steals the breath from her lungs and suddenly she feels exactly her age. The grief settles over her like nothing ever has before. She's not really fit for polite or rude company anymore, but she can't shut herself away, no matter how much she wants to, she has Angie, and she would be strong for her.

But it feels like time is passing without her, and everyone out there is living their lives, crying, laughing, going to the pub, selfish and unconcerned with the grief of mayoral candidate Bette Porter. 

She wasted every moment with her wife, not realizing how precious every second was until her time was up. She should have been better, more. But she wasn't and there was nothing for her to do but sit outside what used to be their bedroom, choking on regret as she stared into the space where they once lived and loved together. 

The terrible part is that the universe does not care, the universe is not concerned with her grief, and has the audacity to move on.

She's so angry at herself. She's angry at the world. And her eyes are glued to the small golden object that used to give her hope.

She grips the small wedding band in her hands and a movement in the living room catches her attention. A flash of golden hair takes her breath away. 

She had forgotten. God, she had been living on autopilot for so long that she had somehow forgotten. She hadn't really realized what the last few days had meant. 

Maybe Tina was still hers to lose. Maybe she was still someone to build hope and happiness on. 

Maybe if the house with the pool could not be, they could still have an apartment with a view.

Chapter Text

Una boca tan sólo

para el beso y el grito

y para la oración y la blasfemia.

Para el suspiro y la mentira,

para el perdón

y la condena.

– Josefina Pla

Six weeks. 

They spend six weeks in a strange, convoluted routine: Tina comes to the house for a few hours every day to spend time with Angie. Bette is happy that the blonde is keeping her promise, that she's making an effort to get back into her daughter's routine. Get back into their lives. But at the same time she feels this uncomfortable tension in her chest, like a rubber band ready to burst inside her heart.

She sees Tina every day for the first four weeks, but they barely talk. She knows her ex-wife wants to, she can see it in her eyes, but she gives her space. She feels angry about it, and appreciated for it. Like everything about her relationship with Tina, it's complicated and wonderful at the same time, and honestly, Bette wouldn't have it any other way.

The last two weeks change things a little. Tina slowly starts to gain more confidence between visits, asking more about Bette's day and shyly telling her about hers. It's in those last few weeks that she learns that Tina has been going to therapy since their last real conversation, the one with Bette's breakdown. It's in those last few days that Tina confesses things about her family that she's never revealed before. Bette cries those nights, for all they did to her and for all she hopes they could have changed. She cries out of sadness for the girl Tina used to be, and she cries out of pride for the adult she has become regardless.

It's the Saturday morning of the seventh week, when things finally seem to settle down between them. Tina knocks on the door bright and early with a sunny smile and a tray full of coffee, pastries and bread. 

Unintentionally, Bette lets herself trace the curve of the blonde’s jawline from the kitchen, her back pressed against the door frame but her hand gripping the spoon she was using to stir the gravy. She wonders if Tina ever loses her breath the way Bette does. 

Tina stumbles a little when she sees her and grins at the smell. "You cooked?"

There was something undeniably tender in the blonde's eyes and Bette couldn't help but smile. This was the first time in six weeks that she had tried to meet Tina halfway, and it was worth every moment of self-doubt and insecurity if it made the blonde light up like that. 

They weren't okay, and honestly, she didn't know if they could ever be, but they were trying. And that was enough for now.

"Weak for a woman in the kitchen, T?" she smiled warmly, flirting lightly for the first time in what felt like a lifetime.

"The weakest," Tina said, stepping forward and grabbing the small spoon from Bette's hand to take a taste, blowing on the steaming liquid, closing her eyes, and sighing.

Slowly, without speaking, they set the table, content in the silence. It was the first time in six weeks that Angie wasn't there when Tina arrived, but her daughter was asleep, and for the first time in six weeks, neither of them felt the need to wake her. 

She could sleep for a while before joining them. 

They talk softly as they eat, their conversation settling into a comfortable pace, spending the rest of breakfast exchanging small but easy smiles. Bette doesn't bring up the big elephant in the room that is them, and Tina doesn't push. She has time. Tina gives Bette time.

And she's so grateful. 

She's sipping her second coffee when Angie walks in sleepily, her eyes barely open, her whole face lighting up at the sight of them. 

In that moment, Bette knows that this day is something she'll carry deep in her soul until the day she dies. 

It's nothing special, nothing big or grand. Bette is dressed in a nightgown, Angie is half asleep with a croissant hanging out of her mouth, and Tina is in the middle of a story, talking with her hands about some movie she might be able to produce in town, the corner of her mouth filled with jam and bread crumbs. And it feels like home.

She swallows a lump in her throat at the realization that it's been years since they've been truly at peace with each other. Even before the divorce. 

It feels hauntingly sad and painful, but at the same time... at the same time it feels okay. Like coming to terms with a long-term injury, realizing there's nothing you can do about it, the scars will always be there, but it doesn't have to paralyze your life. It doesn't have to hold you back. 

Maybe they could allow themselves to love each other for who they are now, for who they are trying to be. 

The Saturday morning of the seventh-week tastes of hope and smells of home.

They spend at least an hour just enjoying the time together, before Angie jumps out of her seat and runs towards her room, yelling that she forgot she made a promise to meet Jordi in half an hour. 

They both laugh at their daughter’s antics, before making a bet about who she’s going to ask for a ride. 

Tina’s the chosen one, and Bette smiles at the exasperated look on the blonde’s face at realizing she’s going to be stuck with both teenagers for at least an hour between picking Jordi and dropping them off. 

Both were the sweetest girls, but together...well, they were teenagers, and energetic would be too kind a word. 

She sees Tina look at her before she leaves, and something in her face makes her just...react. 

"Hey T..." she says quietly. 

"Yeah?" The blonde eyes are hopeful, and Bette's hands hurt from the sudden desire to hug her. 

"Why don't you grab us lunch for when you get back?" her words are simple, but the message is clear, and it shows all over Tina's smile. 

"Of course," her voice shakes for a second and she sees the hazel eyes go misty. "Text me what you're in the mood for and I'll get it, it's on me."

"To you, huh?" Bette smiled, "Well...I cooked, so be ready because I think I deserve a treat."

There was something heavy in Tina's eyes before whispering, "You do,"  then closing the door and getting into the car where Angie was waiting.

It was the oddest weeks of her life. Deep down, she knew that no matter what she did, she would forgive Tina in the end. It was a fact. An inescapable fact that she might as well just accept. She loved her too much not to.

But Bette was determined to get it right this time. She wouldn't be able to survive another heartbreak, and Angie didn't deserve to live through another ordeal between her parents. 

It took her a while to accept the fact that she, too, should go to therapy. It helped that Tina was going as well. It made her feel less alone, less like she was broken somehow. And she knew it helped, she knew it, but it was so hard to apply that logic to herself.

But she knew she had to, and she did. She scheduled a session right into the sixth week, and it was the worst experience of her life. She had never cried so much in her life, it felt like all the emotional scars she had been trying so hard to heal were suddenly open and bleeding. Red and swollen. 

But it set her free. Oh God, how it set her free. 

Talking about everything with someone she wasn't afraid of losing to her demons was nothing short of eye-opening.

She had never talked about her feelings without interruption before, and it had worked wonders as much as it had hurt.

And her therapist was...interesting. Her approach was less direct and more introspective. Working with Bette, trying to decipher her struggles and motivations, rather than telling her the whys and whos of it all. 

She knew it was just the beginning of a long journey, she didn't expect a huge change in just one week, but she did feel lighter, more hopeful, less burned by her own existence. 

She spent the next few hours clearing the breakfast table and washing the dishes, thinking about the future.

And then the door opened and Tina was there again.

Shy, beautiful, and looking forever. 

"H-hey..." It was as endearing as it was sad to see the blonde so nervous about spending time alone with her, but she knew it was inevitable. Bette wasn't completely comfortable either, at least not yet. Probably not for a while. 

"Hey..." her own voice trembled and her chest swelled. Despite the heartache, she marveled at the feeling. She felt 16 again. Shy, insecure, and nervous. How novel. 

"I brought Italian, Angie pointed out a good place on the way."

Tina's face was a map she knew so well, and the glorious joy hiding in the lines of her face made her wonder how she'd missed her unhappiness before the divorce. 

Had they both been so blind to each other for so long?

"Let's go on a date." She blurted out.

Tina's eyes went wide and her mouth opened in such a cartoonish expression that she couldn't help but laugh. 

"I...what?" the blonde's lower lip quivered and her eyes reddened. God, they were really emotional around each other, weren't they?

"Go on a date with me." She repeated, grinning wildly as she saw Tina's eyes narrow in suspicion.

"Are you making fun of me?" the words were accusatory, but her tone hid a gleeful delight. 

It had been so long since they could tease each other.

"No, go on a date with me." The smile on her face only grew wider as Tina's eyes narrowed.

"But you laughed," she pointed out, a whine in her voice that was a reminder of their youth together. 

God, it felt like they had been so young when it all started, even if they hadn't. She felt like they had a lifetime together and yet... it wasn't nearly enough time.

"Tina..." She raised an eyebrow and the blonde's face went from playful to serious in a second. 

"Of course, I'll go on a date with you, you know that. But..." She started eagerly, stumbling a bit at the end.

"But...?" 

"Why?"

"Do I need a why?"

"I mean..."

"I just..." Now it seemed to be her turn to stumble over her words. God, she had been smooth once, she remembered.

"You just...?"

"I think we should know if we can. If there's still an us to work towards. I think we... I think I need to know how comfortable I am with this."

"I...Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, okay. I told you, Bette, whatever it takes. And honestly, nothing would make me happier than to go on a date with you."

They looked at each other and smiled nervously. 

"I...okay."

"Tonight?"

"No, no. I...next week? Next...Saturday?"

"It's a date then."

"It's a date then..."

Maybe eight would be her lucky number from now on.