Work Text:
I need to find a hobby or something, Rafael Barba thought to himself as he tossed one brief aside and picked up another. He paused to take a sip of water, sighed, and glanced dismally over the stack of papers sitting in his briefcase. It was after eleven, and he had just hit the halfway point of pile. He had three hearings on the docket in the morning, and if Olivia Benson was correct about a case her squad was working, an arraignment in the afternoon.
Briefly, he considered the drink cart across the room but vetoed the idea. Scotch would relax him, but maybe too much. He needed to be focused to get through the remained of the work.
“I should have listened to my mother and become a doctor,” he muttered to himself, focusing on the paper in his hand.
“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!”
Startled by the grating sound, his brow furrowed and he swore loudly in Spanish. Who the hell? Tossing the sheaf on the coffee table, he padded with bare feet over to the intercom. “Yes?”
“Mr. Barba, there’s a Dominick Carisi here to see you.”
Rafael paused. For weeks, he and Carisi had been engaged in a clandestine affair under the noses of their coworkers. Despite his best efforts, he found himself enjoying the company of the detective more and more. They didn’t see one another every night, but at least a few times a week. He was annoyed when his heart picked up pace and his stomach fluttered at the mention of Carisi’s name.
But why was he coming by so late?
“Sure, send him up,” he said. He bit his lip as he waited for the door to ring, feeling like a foolish schoolgirl waiting for a date. When the bell finally rang, he forced himself to take a deep breath and calm down before he opened the door.
“Rafael,” Sonny greeted, a sloppy grin on his face. He leaned heavily against the doorframe and nearly toppled forward and into the apartment.
The sight that greeted Barba took him aback. Carisi was clearly drunk, swaying unsteadily on his feet. His suit was rumpled, hair disheveled, and Barba was sure he could smell the bourbon on him from several feet away. “Are you okay?”
“I wanted to see you,” Sonny slurred. “Can I come in?”
“I—” he hesitated, glancing briefly back at the pile of paperwork and then at the intoxicated detective in his doorway. “Sure,” he relented.
Carisi stumbled into the apartment, into the living room, and collapsed into a wingback chair. “Thanks,” he said. “It’s been a helluva night.”
Barba studied him for a moment, folding his arms over his chest. “It’s not that I don’t like seeing you unexpectedly,” he said. “But Sonny, you’re drunk.”
“Yep,” he agreed amiably. “I went out with Dodds and ‘Manda after shift. Shitty day.”
Grumbling to himself, Rafael stepped briefly into the kitchen and retrieved a cold bottle of water from the fridge. He took it to the living room, and wordlessly held it out.
“Aw, nah,” Carisi shoved it away. “I was hopin’ you had some scotch or somethin’.”
“Not likely,” Rafael replied. “You need to sober up some.”
“Nope.” His tone was firm. “Bein’ sober is the last thing I need right now.”
Frustration welled up in Barba’s gut. “Look, Sonny, I’m always glad to see you. And I am perfectly happy to take you down the hall and dump you in my bed to sleep this off.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “But I have a stack of briefs I need to get through before court in the morning—”
“We lost her,” Sonny interrupted quietly.
Puzzled, Rafael furrowed his brow. “Lost who?”
“Angela Petrello.” He stared at the floor, refusing to meet Barba’s eyes. “The victim. Her boyfriend…he got to her.” Carisi swallowed hard. “Strangled her.”
Realization crashed over Barba like a tidal wave. He closed his eyes and exhaled, picturing the quiet, meek young woman from the South Village. She had come hesitantly to the precinct just that afternoon to report the assault by her abusive boyfriend. Carisi and Rollins had been assigned to the case. The evidence was overwhelming, and it looked to be an open and shut case. It was the arraignment Rafael anticipated attending the next afternoon.
Now he supposed he could add murder to the list of charges.
“Shit,” he murmured. “Sonny, I am so sorry.”
“I’m the detective,” Carisi went on, gaze still fixed on the floor. “I was supposed to keep ‘er safe. We told ‘er she would be safe when she reported it, Rafael. That he wouldn’t be able to hurt ‘er again…”
Crouching in front of the chair, Rafael rested his hands on Carisi’s thighs. “It is not your fault,” he said quietly. “You did everything right. You cannot save everyone.”
“I know that,” Sonny replied. “But this one…she was so sweet. Wouldn’t hurt a fly. And that guy—”
“I will personally make sure he gets the maximum sentence,” he said. “No deals.” Gently, he ran a hand up and down Carisi’s leg. “I understand now why you got rip-roaring drunk.”
“I shouldn’t’ve got so shit-faced,” Carisi admitted. A flush crept up in his cheeks. “What I really wanted was you, but Dodds and ‘Manda asked…”
Rafael swore his heart skipped a beat at the admission. “You…you were hurting and you wanted me?”
Miserably, Sonny looked up at him. “Yeah,” he admitted. “And let me tell you, the drunker I got the harder it was not to admit that to Dodds and Rollins.”
“Okay,” Barba said, accepting he wasn’t going to get any more work done that night. “You need to rest.” He stood and pulled Sonny to his feet, the detective swaying once he was vertical. With some effort—because Sonny’s height advantage put Barba at a disadvantage when hauling his drunk ass to bed—he managed to get the detective to the bedroom.
“Come on, Detective Borracho,” he said with a smirk as he began unfastening Sonny’s belt.
Swaying slightly, Sonny snickered. “I do like it when you take my pants off and take me to bed.”
“Eres imposible,” Rafael muttered with a shake of his head.
Carisi stared at him, fascination on his face. “Say that again. I have no idea what the fuck you just said, but I liked it.”
“Bed, Detective.” He placed his palm in the center of Carisi’s chest and shoved him backwards onto the mattress.
Climbing under the covers, Carisi peered up at him innocently. “You comin’ with me?”
Sighing, but an affectionate smile on his lips, Rafael sat at the edge and began running his fingers through Sonny’s thick hair. “Go to sleep,” he said. “Since I am clearly not going to get any more work done tonight, I’m going to get ready for bed. I’ll be right back.”
When he returned several minutes later, Sonny was already asleep. Rafael slid between the sheets next to him and watched him for a few minutes. He was curled on his side, hand tucked under the pillow. Gently, Barba touched his cheek and his heart clenched when Sonny smiled briefly in his sleep. “Get some rest, cariño,” he murmured, and turned off the light.
It occurred to him as he drifted off that was the first time he had ever used the endearment in his life.
Cariño.
Rafael was often surprised by how much better he slept when Carisi was sacked out in the bed beside him. He wasn’t sure if it was the lack of stress, the strenuous activities they typically engaged in before sleep, or simply that he found the detective’s presence soothing. Whatever the reason, he slept more deeply when he curled against the lanky frame of his lover at night.
Even Olivia had mentioned he was looking more rested these days. He had simply offered her a smile in return but hadn’t disclosed the reason for his relaxed state.
She knew why, just not who.
This night, arm draped over Carisi’s hip, Rafael awoke in the middle of the night. He glanced sleepily over his shoulder at the bedside clock and found that it was only a quarter to four. Satisfied that he had a few more hours warm and comfortable in the bed, he paused to watch the detective snoozing for a few minutes in the moonlight.
Soft-hearted and sympathetic to victims, Sonny had grown attached to the quiet young woman he had helped that day. Her loss had hit him hard. It was the first time since they had started seeing each other that Sonny had sought out Rafael for comfort. Deep down, it terrified the older man.
He continually found himself falling deeper and more head-over-heels for the outspoken younger detective and realizing that Sonny had come to him because he needed him initially had Rafael wanting to throw up walls of defense. He had no idea what to do with the emotions he was feeling, particularly the deep protectiveness and tenderness that Sonny had provoked in him that night.
Sighing, he dropped his head back on the pillow and settled to sleep once again.
A soft mumble broke the silence. Brow furrowed, he sat up slightly to study Carisi. He could feel tension in the lean frame, Sonny’s muscles rigid. The younger man mumbled incoherently, and then buried his face in the pillow.
Barba bit his lip and glanced around, unsure of what he should be doing. It was obvious that Carisi’s sleep was troubled. A soft whimper escaped his lips and unexpectedly twisted at Rafael’s heart. He had finally decided to wake him when Carisi jerked and bolted upright, hands planted on the bed beside him and breaths coming in distressed pants.
“Sonny?” Rafael asked, hesitantly. He reached over and snapped on the bedside lamp, squinting at him in the sudden light. “You okay?”
Carisi closed his eyes and struggled to return his breathing to normal. “Um…” He took a deep breath. “Bad dream.”
“I gathered.” Rafael sat up, blanket sliding down to reveal his bare chest. Gently, he touched Sonny’s arm.
“I’m okay,” Sonny said, refusing to meet his eyes and still fighting for control. “You can go back to sleep.”
“No, I damn well cannot.” Rafael ran a hand up and down Sonny’s back soothingly. “Look, I don’t know what it is we’re doing here, but this is not just casual sex for me, Carisi. I’m not going to just roll over and go back to sleep when you obviously are not okay.”
Carisi turned away. “Rafael—”
“Dominick,” he said, quietly. “Talk to me.”
Sonny sighed, but still refused to turn back around. “I keep seeing her face,” he breathed. “When I close my eyes. In my dreams…I should have protected her, Rafael. I should have—”
Rafael’s heart twisted and sympathy filled his eyes. He gently slid an arm around Sonny’s waist and rested his chin on the detective’s shoulder. “You can’t save them all.” His voice was soft, gentle. “Try as you might, you just can’t.”
“I get that in my head,” he replied. “But, God, Rafael…” Abruptly he turned to face the attorney. “There are some that just stick with you, ya know?”
“I know.” Rafael reached up and smoothed a lock of hair back off his forehead. “For everything I see in my line of work, you see twice as much. And you have had a tough few weeks: the whole fucked-up fiasco with the church, spending week undercover in the halfway house, and now this.”
“Normally, I would go to church after a day like today,” Sonny said, dropping back on the bed. “But ever since…”
“Yeah.” Barba stretched out next to him. “I get it.”
“The Church has been a source of comfort and stability for me my whole life,” Carisi went on, folding his hands on his chest. “I even thought about being a priest when I was a kid.”
Barba raised a brow. “Am I allowed to express gratitude that you didn’t?”
“You’re allowed,” he agreed, grinning mischievously, and reached over to squeeze Barba’s thigh. “Rafael, the corruption went so deep. Seeing that…”
Slowly, Rafael blew out a breath. “In every job, there are good ones and bad ones,” he said. “There are good cops and bad cops. There are good lawyers, and there are…”
“John Buchanans?”
“For every Buchanan there is a Rita Calhoun,” Barba said with a smile. “Rita is a brash pain in the ass, but she does her job.”
“Sounds like some other lawyer I know,” Sonny said, squeezing his hand.
“I don’t always agree with Rita,” he said. “But I know that she is just doing her job. She does it ethically, and with the understanding that our judicial system doesn’t work if there’s not a competent and effective defense.” The grin widened. “And she does it with a sarcasm and witty repartee that I can’t help but appreciate.”
Sonny chuckle made him smile wider.
“John Buchanan has never made me want to stop practicing law,” Barba continued. “You’ve seen some of the slimiest defense attorneys in Manhattan in the courtroom and you’re still studying for the bar. You just helped bust a ring of dirty cops in Vice, and you’re still a detective. Sonny, don’t let a few corrupt priests take away something that has been so important to you for so long. Especially when you, yourself have said ninety-nine percent of them are good men.”
Carisi studied him curiously. “If I didn’t know better, I would say you’re becoming an optimistic Catholic.”
“You’re the optimist,” he refuted. “Your optimism, your faith in people, and your convictions are some of the things that I find most endearing about you, Dominick. Don’t let the job take those from you.” He rolled his eyes. “And I am Catholic. Just not a good Choir Boy like some people.”
“I actually like that you’re not,” Sonny said with a wicked grin.
“Oh?” Rafael chuckled. “Feel like you’re walking on the wild side?”
Carisi shook his head and touched his face. “No,” he said, sobering. “You give me a more…balanced view. More realistic. Less idealistic.”
“Sometimes I like your idealism, Detective,” he murmured.
Leaning over, Carisi captured Barba’s lips gently. “Thank you,” he whispered.
“You’re welcome,” he replied, cupping Carisi’s cheek. “Now let’s try and get some sleep again. It’s only four in the morning.”
Across the small café, Rafael met Olivia’s eyes and offered a tentative smile. They hadn’t really spoken in weeks, since before he had turned over to One Police Plaza that she was involved with Ed Tucker. He had given her space for a few weeks, but that day had reached out to her and invited her to lunch in hopes that they could clear the air and put this to bed. He wasn’t sure she was ready to forgive him—he could have cost her the command of a ship she belonged at the helm of—but he had to try.
He missed his best friend.
“Hey, Barba,” she said, easing into the chair across from him.
“Liv,” he greeted, taking a sip of his water. “How’ve you been?”
She leveled a look at him, raising a brow. “Are we going to make small talk all through lunch?”
Carefully, he placed his glass back on the table. “To be honest, I wasn’t even sure you would meet with me.” He met her gaze unflinchingly. “I’m glad you did. Liv, I’ve missed you.”
Sighing, she closed her eyes. “Rafa—”
She was cut off when their server arrived to take their order. Politely, they avoided one another’s gazes as they spoke briefly with her, and then silence fell over the table as she strode away.
“Look, Liv,” Rafael began. “The last thing I wanted to do was get you in trouble with command. But I had to do my job.”
“I know,” she said, softly. “I’m sorry I put you in a bad position, and I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you sooner. It was new, and I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I was kind of…pushed into talking about it before we were ready.” Olivia shot him a pointed look. “But going to command?”
“I didn’t want to!” he replied. “I was backed into a corner between you and the Monsignor.” He paused and stared at his glass. “But for what it’s worth, I do understand better than you might think the challenges of being involved with someone you probably shouldn’t be.”
Benson paused. “Does this have anything to do with the pasta-making guy you’ve been seeing?”
He refused to meet her eyes. “I presented HR with a hypothetical situation today and asked if there would be any issues with an officer of the court being involved with a NYPD officer today.”
He kept his eyes fixed determinedly on his glass, but he could feel the sudden heat of her anger from across the table.
“Are you kidding me?” she hissed, leaning forward. “You turned me into command for having a relationship with a fellow officer when you—an assistant district attorney—were sleeping with a police officer?”
“It wasn’t about your relationship, Olivia,” he shot back. He sat back abruptly when the server brought over their lunch, anxiously looking back and forth between them. The tension crackled across the table like lightning. “Ed Tucker was accused of being involved in sex trafficking,” Rafael continued as the server left them alone once again. “I don’t care who you are sleeping with. I really don’t. Sleep with…Chief Dodds if you want to.”
Benson choked on a sip of water. “I’ll pass, but thanks.”
“The issue wasn’t you in a relationship. The issue was that you were the lead lieutenant on my case, and Tucker was a possible suspect. It was a conflict of interest. And—” He held up a hand to cut off her protests. “If a conflict like that came up with a case that I was involved in I would recuse myself, or he would. Which is exactly what HR said we would need to do when I talked to them this morning.”
She glared at him and stabbed a piece of chicken from her salad. “You’re annoying when you’re right.”
“I’m not trying to be right, Liv,” he pleaded. “I just want to settle this.”
Eying him consideringly, she took a bite. “This hypothetical officer you’re seeing. Which squad is he in?”
Rafael dropped his eyes and squirmed in his seat. “This is the part that will really piss you off,” he began, and blew out a breath. “Sixteenth precinct. Manhattan SVU.”
Her silence was deafening.
Slowly, not daring to lift his eyes from the table, Rafael took a tiny bite of his own salad.
“A member of my squad?” It came out in a growl so dark Barba flinched. “Rafael!”
He cleared his throat and took another bite as a means of avoiding the question.
“Which one?”
“Well,” he began, “I think it’s pretty safe to say Fin and I would probably not be compatible.”
“You said he so it’s not Rollins.” Olivia’s tone was full of disbelief and anger. “That leaves Dodds or…”
A hot flush shot up from Rafael’s collar and into his cheeks. Swallowing hard, he tugged at his collar and continued to gaze with interest at the salad on his plate.
“Carisi?” By now she was leaning forward across the table. “Are you kidding me? Barba, you can’t stand him!”
“Evidently that’s not exactly true,” he retorted, sheepishly.
“I – What – How – When?”
He dared to look up and into her eyes. Anger had dissipated, replaced by utter and complete shock. Biting his lip, he closed his eyes and blew out a breath. “The Hoda trial—”
“That long?”
“Do you want me to tell you or not?” he asked, exasperated. “I didn’t want Carisi shadowing me on the Hoda trial, but not because I couldn’t stand him. Because…I couldn’t stand the thought of being that close to him all the time.” He sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Sometimes I’m an asshole—”
“You’re joking,” she deadpanned.
He glared at her. “Because it’s easier to be an asshole than deal with how I’m really feeling. In this case, it was easier to be an ass to Carisi than admit I was attracted to him.” He shoved the salad away and rested his forearms on the table. “Through the trial I saw how well he did, and I offered to help him study for the Bar.” He held up a hand. “And that was it. Just studying—at first.”
“Okay,” she nodded, settling in to listen.
“That was around Thanksgiving, then we were busy for a few weeks with the holidays, so after the first of the year I started meeting with him to help him study.” He paused to drink some water for his dry mouth. “One night in February, we met at Forlini’s after work to study. We worked for a couple of hours and drank a lot of bourbon while I tossed practice questions at him. When we left, it was absolutely dumping rain outside.”
“I remember it was pretty wet all through February,” Olivia mused.
“I forgot my umbrella that night, so Carisi offered to walk me home so I wouldn’t get completely drenched. By the time we got to my door we were both soaked and cold, so I invited him up to dry off.” A faint smile pulled at his lips, and he fought it. “Upstairs more bourbon came, and the next thing I knew I was kissing Carisi.” Once again, his cheeks flushed hotly. “And then a little while later I was more than kissing him. And…I’ve been more than kissing him three to four times a week ever since.”
Olivia’s hand rested on her mouth as she stared at him in disbelief. “That’s why he defended you so hard after the Bobby D trial.”
He nodded. “I wasn’t responding to his texts or calls, and he got worried. He, ah…” Rafael blushed harder. “He said his emotions got the better of him that night.” He sighed. “I told myself it was just a casual thing, and it would fizzle out after a few weeks.”
He could see Benson softening. “But it didn’t?”
“The more time we spent together, the more I wanted to spend with him. It went from hook-ups to watching movies, cooking together...” He closed his eyes, cheeks scarlet. “The night of Bobby D’s trial, Carisi came over. I was vomiting sick with a migraine, and he swooped in.” Shaking his head in disbelief, he chuckled. “Liv, he put me to bed, gave me my medicine, and stuck around while I slept to make sure I was okay. When I woke up?” He couldn’t stop the bewildered smile this time. “He made me dinner, and then settled on the couch with me to watch TV. No expectations. No strings. He just…took care of me.”
Olivia watched him thoughtfully. “You make it really hard to be pissed off at you for sleeping with a member of my squad when it’s clear there’s more to it.” She reached across the table and squeezed his hand. “Do you love him?”
“I…don’t know,” he admitted. “I know that I’m feeling a lot of things I don’t quite know what the hell to do with. I know that I hated every minute of it when he went undercover at that halfway house. That it nearly killed me when you told me he had been attacked and injured by men with bats.” Chuckling, he covered his eyes with his hand. “Did you know I chased him down and into your conference room to make sure he wasn’t seriously hurt?”
“I knew you chased him down, but I didn’t know why.” She shook her head. “You have it bad, Barba.”
“I know,” he said helplessly. “I’ve hated watching how the whole trafficking ring with the Catholic church hurt him.” Barba bit his lip. “He doesn’t know yet that I talked to HR. I was planning to do that this weekend. But, after last night, I realized it needed to happen.”
“What happened last night?”
“You lost a victim yesterday,” he said softly, and she nodded. “He came to me when he was hurting. He went out and got shit-faced drunk, but then came to me. I…didn’t know what to do with that. But I realized at that point…” He shrugged helplessly. “I’m done. I don’t…want to be without him.”
“Well, dammit.” Liv sat back and gaped at him. “I was prepared to be pissed off at you.”
“Believe me, I didn’t do it on purpose.” Barba was chagrined. “The last thing I wanted was to fall for a cop.” He shook his head. “HR said we would need to make a disclosure to our supervisors. I just disclosed to his supervisor instead of my own.”
“I don’t think yours will mind.” She smiled at him. “I’m happy for you, Rafa. A bit bewildered, but happy.”
Idly, he toyed with his glass. “He told me after the undercover assignment he doesn’t want to see anyone else. I hope that means he’ll be okay with making this public.”
Liv raised a brow. “If I had to guess, you would be the one with the most hesitation,” she said gently. “Carisi doesn’t hold much back. You hold almost everything back. If you’re ready, I’m pretty sure he will be too, just based on how well I know him.”
He smiled, affection in his green eyes. “I hope so.”
***
“Hey, Liv,” Fin greeted as she strode into the bullpen a little while later. “Good lunch?”
“Yeah,” she said. “Barba and I had a good talk. I think we’ve smoothed things over with each other.”
She had sneaked a sidelong glance at Carisi at his desk when she said the ADA’s name, and grinned to herself when his blue eyes snapped up to her briefly. It was fleeting, but it was there. How have I missed it so long?
“Good,” Rollins said, stretching at her own desk. “I hate it when Mom and Dad fight.”
Liv playfully bopped her on the head with a file folder and grinned. “We’re fine.” She glanced around the room. “Everything still relatively okay here?”
“For the moment,” Fin said. “Dodds has our noses to the grindstone and is making us catch up on paperwork.”
Behind his own monitor, Mike Dodds grinned at the screen. “The DA’s office can’t put these guys away without the paperwork,” he pointed out. “No sense in getting Barba on our asses again.”
And there it was again. The sergeant spoke Barba’s name, and Carisi reflexively glanced up, light in his eyes. She watched him, biting the inside of her cheek to stop the wide grin that wanted to break loose on her face. As she studied him, his phone signaled an incoming text. He picked it up, grinned at the screen, and quickly typed a reply.
The flush in his cheeks didn’t pass her notice.
“Everything okay, Carisi?” she asked.
He glanced up sharply and quickly flipped his phone over, but not before she got a quick look at the name on the text messages. Rafael Barba. “Yeah, Lieu, everything’s fine,” he said breezily. “Just texting with a friend about plans for tonight.”
Friend. Uh-huh. “Well, let’s get those reports done,” she said, patting his shoulder as she passed. “We don’t want Barba to ride our asses.” Carisi’s gaze snapped up to meet hers, and she smiled innocently at him. “He’s a bear when he’s pissy.”
“Yeah,” he replied, instantly. “I’ll get right on that, Lieutenant.”
His pale skin made the flush of his cheeks stand out like beacons.
Chuckling to herself, Olivia made her way into her office. It would appear her Detective may have it just as bad as their ADA. It was a surprising pair. She never in a million years would have seen it coming. But as she watched Carisi through the window of her office sneak another peek at his phone and grin widely, she suspected it would be a good pair.
I’m happy for you both, she thought. Truly.