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Months ago, Taehyun wouldn't have imagined that the relationship he wanted so much to have, was getting out of hand right now because of him. Well, it wasn't technically his fault but he could only feel that way.
He had been in the right frame of mind for so long that he never believed that it would stab him in the back at what was supposed to be the prime of his life.
He began to stay away from his lover because he only felt like being alone, because he only wanted to cry and cry locked in his bathroom, but he had never had the courage to let Beomgyu know.
He knew he was the right person but he was so scared of himself that he wasn't able to tell him his torment. Every time he invited him to do something, he tells him that he has work to do or that his co-worker Kai had invited him to spend the day with him, but never the truth.
Beomgyu didn't want to doubt his boyfriend, but he was in that situation so often that it was impossible for him. They lacked so much confidence and that drove him crazy. How come the same boy he fell in love with years ago was the same one that was breaking his heart?
Months passed with this situation until Beomgyu got tired of thinking so much and sent him a message asking him to talk.
The message came while Taehyun was making a gift for him to distract himself for a while from his bad thoughts and anxiety, he was distressed to see those words but decided to finish the gift and take it with him in case the worry was only a product of his head, like the most of the time lately.
Right now Taehyun was sitting on a bench in a park with a small box on his lap and his umbrella in his hand due to the heavy rain. It was not uncommon to see rain in Seoul but early in the morning the city seemed to have smiled at him and now the day looked the saddest of the year, almost matching Taehyun.
Beomgyu saw him from afar, he sighed thinking about how cute he looked despite his anguished expression, but he had already made up his mind so he continued with his steps adjusting his hood over his head and reached the bench where the other boy was.
Taehyun approached him with his umbrella so he wouldn't get wet either and after a long big silence Beomgyu began to speak.
“Taehyun, I can't do this anymore." Beomgyu's words make Taehyun's hands automatically start shaking.
"What thing?" The youngest asks with an almost tiny voice and scared to death.
“I can't keep pretending that we're fine when every time we talk is to cancel our plans, I can't keep pretending that every time you say you're with Kai I feel like there's something I'm not aware of, and I don't mean that in the sense of me being jealous, it’s just that I really feel that you give me that excuse when you hide something from me. I always thought that you wanted this more than I always wanted it, and you made me love you so easy and fast because you loved me too but now I don't feel that love, what is happening to us? Was your plan always to make me feel like never before and then leave?"
"My love-"
"Please don't call me my love." Beomgyu says in a small voice, he really was more than affected and Taehyun had only noticed that until today. "I have had all the patience and trust in the world but seriously I can't take it anymore, I don't feel like there is mutual love anymore."
“Beomgyu, I love you like I've never loved anyone. I promise you, it's always been you and only you." Taehyun lets go of the umbrella with one of his hands to caress the cheek of his lover.
"Why don't you trust me anymore, Tyun? What did I do that won't let you talk to me? Because I honestly don't understand." Beomgyu says holding back tears as he tells him how he feels.
"Don't cry, it's really not your fault. You haven't done anything wrong, you've been an angel when it comes to us, please don't think you did anything wrong." Taehyun's voice trembles in the middle of his speech, now there were two who avoided crying.
"So what is it with us that we can't talk or see each other?"
Taehyun takes a deep breath to keep from sobbing when he opens his mouth. "I-I don't know how to explain, I really don't want to talk about it love- Gyu, sorry." The boy corrects quickly.
Beomgyu stares at him, detailing how he bit his lip to keep himself from crying and how his eyes shone as they crystallized, the umbrella moved slightly due to the small tremor in his hands, something was wrong with him and he knew it and wanted to take care of him whatever it was. that, but that wasn't the thought that came out of his mouth.
“Taehyun, if we don't talk about this we're not going to get anywhere, I can't take it anymore, you're hurting me. I want to feel enough like you made me feel before."
The past tense of his words broke Taehyun's heart. He didn't make him feel enough, he made him doubt himself when he always promised to take care of him from those people who made him feel that way, he couldn't believe that over time he had become one of those people.
The boy's mind could only repeat those words over and over again, thinking of all the ways he could have acted before to not be in that situation, but Beomgyu moving away from him shook him out of that bubble.
"Beomgyu…" Kang lets out the first tear when he sees him do it.
"This isn't good for any of us, it would be better if we stopped being… you know…"
"Beomgyu…" It seemed like the only word the boy could remember.
"Taehyun, don't make it more difficult for me, stop repeating my name when you cry because you're going to make me stay here and no matter how much I want it, it's not what I need." Taking the impulse, Beomgyu stood up and adjusted his hood so that his hair doesn't get wet anymore, to which Taehyun looked up, handing him his umbrella without hesitation.
However, he didn't accept it, he just put his hands in his pockets which made him realize that he really didn't want anything to do with him anymore.
“I can't believe you're leaving me like this." Taehyun says almost on a sob. "In weather like this? Specially today?"
Today? What was today apart from the saddest day of their entire relationship?
With a frown, Beomgyu takes his cell phone out of his pocket and checks the date for the first time in days.
August 23.
4 years and 6 months from the first time he was able to call Taehyun his boyfriend.
Wow, how they had changed since that day.
Taehyun watched as Beomgyu was now the one who shed a tear and stood up grabbing the box from his lap and placing it on top of Beomgyu's cell phone.
"I didn't intentionally plan it like that." Beomgyu says feeling the tears again and looking towards the box.
"I knew I wasn't making my worries up, I had to take it seriously and now-"
"Taehyun breathe." Beomgyu finally made contact by placing his free hand on the boy's shoulder.
"I’m so sorry." Taehyun cried once more, they have to look ridiculous in the middle of the rain crying in a park.
Beomgyu didn't say anything about the apology, just withdrew his hand from him and returned his gaze to the box.
"Don't open it here, I can't see you with what I did to you when we are nothing anymore." The boy says through tears. "Don't go home walking either, ask for a taxi at the restaurant over there. Don't go out without an umbrella when it rains and please eat something when you're at home, okay?"
He couldn't help but give him his usual speech, it was his farewell ritual. Beomgyu sometimes laughed when he repeated things that seemed obvious to him, but today seeing him say it through tears, he noticed the seriousness with which he cared for him.
"I-I'm going to go first, I feel like I can't breathe anymore." Before he could hear the older asking him to stay a while longer, Taehyun turned around and started walking around avoiding puddles as he approached his car.
Beomgyu looked at him until he got on it, it was the image he never wanted to have, but he knew that maybe it was the right thing, if they continued as they were this scene would be worse later.
His radiant boy, his best friend, his greatest love, today was the boy with the umbrella who came out of his life. Today 4 years and 6 months after he saw the most sincere smile on his pretty face, he saw him sob as he realized that he was dragging him down with him.
There was no being that Beomgyu loved more than Taehyun and for a long time he was sure that he would do anything for him, but to this day he doubted it in so many ways.
But he was wrong, Taehyun would do anything for him. He was doing it in this moment, he, despite how much the conversation was sinking him into his situation, did what he wanted, he was willing to let it go because Taehyun was the one who hurt Beomgyu it didn’t matter that Beomgyu was the one who kept him going .
Today the 4 years and 6 months were turned into tears.