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As soon as you step through the front door, you hear the shower running.
Coming home to noise in your apartment isn’t all that strange. Sometimes Hastur beats you there when you have plans to spend time together, and you’ve told him before that he’s welcome to spend time there even if you aren’t home. With Hastur, you don’t have to worry about him leaving the door unlocked or anything- quite the opposite actually. You’re pretty sure that your apartment must be one of the most well-protected places for miles.
You can’t think of a reason for your shower to be running however, even if Hastur is here. The only time he goes near the shower is if he feeling particularly indulgent and if it’s with you. Usually, he just miracles himself clean as needed.
Toeing off your shoes by the door, you make sure to lock it behind you before going to investigate.
The bathroom door is already cracked, so you push it open slowly and poke your head through the doorway. “Hastur? Is that you?”
You hear a small “yes,” the demon’s voice slightly muffled by the sound of running water.
“Can I come in?” you get another affirmative in response so you push the door the rest of the way open and step inside. You draw back the shower curtain just enough to peek inside the shower.
Hastur is sitting fully clothed on the shower floor, knees tucked up against his chest with his arms wrapped around his legs. His blonde hair is slicked down against his forehead as the water runs over his head and down his face.
“Are you ok? What are you doing in the shower?”
He shrugs. “I’ve heard that sometimes humans do this when they’re experiencing emotional distress.”
You blink. “Well… are you experiencing emotional distress?”
“I might be.” He pauses, considering. “If demons experienced such things as “emotions,” that is.”
You take a deep breath and let it out slowly. This is uncertain territory. You’ve never seen the demon like this. You’ve seen him happy, smug, amused, angry, but not whatever this is.
The bathroom is steamy, so Hastur must have the water running hot. You wonder how long he’s been sitting here like this. You reach up and touch the water to test the temperature and find that it’s definitely hot, but not scalding. Deciding that if he needs to wallow, you’ll just have to do it with him, you shut the bathroom door to keep the heat in and start getting undressed.
“Alright, I’m coming in there.” You kick your pants off, not wanting to deal with soaking wet denim, but you leave your shirt and underwear on as you climb into the shower.
It’s a bit of a tight fit, but you’re able to mirror the demon’s posture and sit across from him so you’re facing each other. It’s actually kind of calming down here. With the shower curtain closed, it’s kind of like being in your own little world separate from everything and everyone else.
“Can I touch you?”
He nods wordlessly.
Even with permission, you make sure to telegraph your movements as you reach over and brush the hair out of Hastur’s face.
His black eyes raise to meet your own and you smile gently. “What happened, baby?”
“Ligur made me realize something today,” he says quietly.
You nod encouragingly but otherwise stay silent, trying to give him the space to take his time.
“We were out carrying out some routine temptations. Boring stuff, really. He asked why I spend so much time hanging around you when it’s obviously not just because I’m trying to protect you. That’s what any demon would assume at first, but if that was all than there’d be no reason for me to still be here.”
“Ok. And what did you tell him?”
You truly aren’t worried about the answer. You know that Hastur cares about you, even if he struggles to express it verbally. As committed as you are to this relationship, you don’t need a label to be happy.
He chuckles mirthlessly. “I didn’t have to say anything. Next thing he says is that I’ve started reeking of love lately.”
You first instinct is to smile, but you can tell that Hastur is struggling with this revelation and now isn’t the time to focus on your own feelings. It is nice however, to hear that your feelings might be returned.
“Was Ligur right? Do you love me? I’m not trying to make you say it, I just want to make sure I understand.”
Hastur looks up at you and nods once. While your butt and the bottom of your legs are wet from sitting on the shower floor and the rest of you is damp from the water spraying in your direction, Hastur is completely soaked since he’s sitting directly under the shower head. You’ve honestly never seen the demon look less I control than he does right now and you’re struck, not for the first time, with the strong instinct to protect.
“Ok. What are you feeling right now?”
“I don’t know. I’m a demon- we don’t do emotions. At least not love,” he spits out the last word as if it tastes bad. “We aren’t supposed to be able to.”
“Maybe most demons don’t,” you say slowly, “but that doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t possible.” Crowley and his angel are a good example of that, but you figure it’s probably a bad idea to bring them up right now. “Does loving me have to be a bad thing if I love you too?”
“I… I don’t know.”
Your heart clenches at the conflicted look on the demon’s face. You wonder if Crowley went through something like this when he realized he was in love with Aziraphale. You’ve never met either of them, but you’ve picked up enough of the story from Hastur to have a basic understanding of their situation and its similarities to your own.
Lately you’ve been wondering if it wouldn’t be the worst idea to try to arrange a meeting between yourself and the angel/demon duo. Hastur probably wouldn’t love the idea of you three “consorting,” but he’d probably enjoy sneering as he listens to you recount how domestic they are.
“It’s ok to not fully understand what you’re feeling right now. It can be hard for humans to figure these things out, and we’re used to having and embracing our emotions. Do you want me to leave you alone for a while?”
He hesitates for a couple seconds before nodding and you smile.
“Ok, that’s fine. I’m going to get changed. If you want to spend time together you can come find me after you’re done in here, or I won’t be upset if you just want to leave and talk to me later.”
You gently squeeze his arm for a moment in what you hope if a comforting gesture before carefully standing up. You’re a little stiff from sitting awkwardly, but you can tell that it’s nothing that wont go away after a short while of stretching and moving around. The clothes you left on are soaked, and you’re careful to step onto the bathroom mat so the water drips onto that and not the floor. Just as you’re about to reach for a towel, you feel a slight breeze and suddenly both you and your clothes are dry.
“Oh!” You turn around to smile at the demon. “Thank you, that was nice of you.”
Just as you’re pulling the shower curtain shut behind you to give him some privacy before you leave, Hastur looks up and gives you a little smile- a hardly noticeable quirk of the lips, but there nonetheless.
You have a feeling that with some time to figure things out, he’s going to be ok.
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Alternate summary:
Ligur: These are emotions
Hastur: Thanks, I hate it!