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Soifon’s glare could have stripped the fading paint from the outside wall of the Urahara Shop.
“Get this straight. I don’t want to be here. I would rather be pulling out my own toenails than stand in front of this hovel with Urahara Kisuke looking like District Three Hundred’s finest, but your annual inspection is due and my men have orders to search your goods for anything illicit.” Her eyes narrowed into icy slits. “You will stand down. You will stand still. Resist or show non-compliance, and I personally will stab you twice in your finger-sized penis and kill you on the spot.” If possible, she straightened further, her hands linked behind her back like a drill sergeant. “I assume we’re clear on this.”
Ichigo stared. At his side, Ururu’s expression was blanking out a little. He elbowed her hard, snapping her out of what was probably a suicide mission.
“Of course, of course!” Urahara said cheerfully, clapping his hands together and snapping everyone out of their wire-tension stances. They were all lined up outside like convicts, even though Ichigo had only been there because Yuzu wanted to laugh at how all Urahara’s candy was stuck together in its jars because nobody actually bought any. Ichigo watched as Urahara beamed a smile full of rainbows and joy at Soifon, who if anything actually grew stonier.
“Captain, it’s a delight and an honour to receive you,” Urahara said with a slight bow. “Please, inspect everything in my shop and my house! Can I interest you in some tea? Tessai-san makes the most incredible oolong—”
“No.”
“Are you—”
“Very.” Soifon gestured to her men, who flash-stepped away like ninjas in their black gear, heading in all directions around the house. The look she gave them all, even Ichigo, who literally had never done anything wrong in his entire life to his knowledge, was blistering. Her attention switched to the others, fixing on each person standing in a row.
“You!” she snapped, making Yuzu flinch. “I don’t know you. State your name, age and reiatsu statistics.”
Yuzu’s eyebrows were almost in her hair. “Kurosaki Yuzu, sixteen, and—I don’t know? I can see spirits now, but that’s all. It’s a pleasure to—”
“Useless,” Soifon said succinctly, crossing her arms. She looked at Ichigo with complete disdain. “Your daughter is pathetic.”
“She’s my sister!” Ichigo yelped. “God, can none of you figure out how time works here? And Yuzu’s not pathetic, she’s top of her class and on track to—”
“I genuinely don’t care. You can’t possibly comprehend how bad a mood I’m in today, Kurosaki Ichigo. Keep your mouth closed and your hands linked in front where I can see them.”
Uneasily, everyone complied. Even Jinta, who normally looked like he was ready to brawl anyone who looked at him sideways. Yuzu’s side-eye to him as he fidgeted was pure acid. At the very end of their little chain, Tessai looked quietly devastated that his tea had been rejected. To Ichigo’s eye, his moustache was shivering with manly emotion.
Urahara, on the other hand, was pure sunshine. Somehow, that didn’t reassure Ichigo at all.
After ten minutes of tense silence, Soifon began to pace the hard-packed dirt yard at the front of the shop. It was a warm day, and had been for a couple of weeks without rain, so she raised a very small dust cloud behind her as she walked. It looked almost cartoonish.
“You said that Yoruichi-sama isn’t here,” she said stiffly, finally looking at them all. “Where is she?”
Urahara’s fan snapped open like a shield, concealing the lower half of his face. Ichigo was sure it was to hide his shit-eating grin, but he was three people too far away to tell. God, he’d just wanted to show Yuzu the sticky ball of old grandma candy, why the fuck was he being questioned by the Shinigami Gestapo?
“She’s in Las Noches,” Ururu said, surprising everyone. “She’s negotiating with their beautiful barbarian queen, Tier Harribel-sama, so we might open a trade route through the shop. I heard it’s going very well, so well that Yoruichi-san would like to stay an extra week.”
Soifon’s pacing came to a standstill. It was suddenly very, very quiet.
“Beautiful barbarian queen,” Soifon repeated slowly, like she was making sure the words had actually been spoken. “You mean an arrancar? One of those forcefully mutated—”
“Now, now,” Urahara said rapidly, fan closed and hands up in entreaty, “let’s not be openly racist in mixed company, Soifon-san! Who knows what wars you might start! Why don’t we all go inside and get out of the sun, maybe have a little sake together. It will loosen you up!”
Soifon didn’t even dignify that with a reply. The pacing began again in earnest. Ichigo almost expected to see a small black thundercloud develop over her head.
“Did you have to wind her up on purpose like that?” Ichigo asked under his breath, head tipped down towards Ururu. She shrugged, a teenager’s sullenness rearing its head for a moment.
“She called our house a hovel.”
“She’s also a shinigami captain,” Ichigo reminded her in a loud whisper. “You know you shouldn’t rock the boat.”
Ururu barely blinked. “Yeah but like, what a gunch.”
“Gunch?” Ichigo repeated, hysteria briefly taking over. “You just—Yuzu, don’t listen!”
His high-pitched exclamation drew Soifon’s attention, but before she could do more than narrow her eyes into dark slits, one of her men came running out of the shop holding something in his hands.
“It might be an experimental weapon,” the soldier said, holding out for inspection what was clearly to Ichigo’s eye an enormous, studded black dildo. It was easily the size of Ichigo’s forearm. Maybe even bigger. Everyone watched in varying degrees of horror as Soifon grabbed it and smacked it experimentally against her other palm. It jiggled and writhed in a way that suggested there was more to it than some silicone studs.
In one motion, Ichigo reached behind Yuzu’s head and curved his hand around to cover her eyes. Ururu just stood there unmoved, like high school had scraped out the last of her humanity, and left her nothing but a jaded husk that used the foulest words Ichigo had ever heard. On Yuzu’s other side, Jinta made the kind of sound that suggested his soul was leaving his body.
“Oh, be careful with that,” Urahara said mildly. “I don’t think I washed it last time.”
Soifon looked at him, then down at what she held in her hand again. Her face showed no expression. Then—
Tessai bowed neatly as the dildo went flying over his head and straight into the darkness of the shop. With a long shriek of disgusted rage, Soifon drew her sword on all of them, a brilliant yellow reiatsu beginning to rise from her like ribbons of light.
“You insolent degenerates! I should take my sword and do the entire Soul Society a favour!”
What a temper. Ichigo looked over at Urahara, who was making an apologetic waving motion that in no way hid the smile on his face.
Behind Soifon, the wide black mouth of the garganta opened.
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez stepped out, took one look at the situation and put Soifon in a headlock so tight her face flooded with blood. The sword dropped from her hand a second later, and Ichigo wasn’t sure but it looked like he’d squeezed something in her arm.
“I don’t like loud women,” Grimmjow said lazily, a smile in his voice. “Are you going to shut up or am I going to take your head off?”
“Gkkk—”
Sharp blue eyes scanned the rest of them, finding Ichigo and widening. “Oi, Kurosaki. Long time.”
Releasing Soifon in one motion, he shoved her toward her panicked soldier and walked over, confidence written all over his face. Bastard hadn’t even drawn his sword, Ichigo thought with faint jealousy. Not that he wasn’t glad to see him, in an alarmed sort of way. How had he forgotten just how blue he was?
“Hi Grimmjow,” Ichigo said cautiously, hyper-aware of Yuzu standing beside him. Her eyes were huge. “I heard Yoruichi is in Las Noches. How’s that going?”
Grimmjow grunted. “Place is full of jealous women screeching at each other. Thought I’d get some peace and quiet if I came here.” He snorted softly and nodded at Soifon’s gasping anger. “Guess they forgot one.”
“Hello, Grimmjow-san,” Ururu said, a sparkle finally back in her eyes. To Ichigo’s utter shock, she reached around his middle and hugged him. “I said gunch today.”
“Dirty bitch,” Grimmjow replied with great approval, petting her head. Ururu pulled back with glowing pride, a flush of pure adoration in her cheeks. “You been keeping Jinta in line?”
“Jinta doesn’t need keeping in line,” Jinta said loudly, and flipped Grimmjow off. If anything, his feral smile only became bigger.
Ichigo felt like he’d stepped into an alternate dimension. Did—was Grimmjow like a friend of the family? He barely visited the Urahara Shop these days, but how hadn’t he ever sensed his presence across town? Was he avoiding him? Had he done something?
Some of his shock must have shown on his face because Grimmjow hesitated and opened his mouth, but Soifon had finally gathered herself back together again, grasping her throat with one hand and her zanpakutou with the other. She couldn’t seem to decide whether to glare at Grimmjow or Urahara more.
“An arrancar. Here.” Soifon grit her teeth. She cast her eyes to Urahara and Tessai. “Why am I not surprised you’d fraternise with their kind?”
“My kind?” Grimmjow barked, turning slowly back towards her. Her retinue of black-clothed Stealth Corps guys lined up behind her protectively, but Grimmjow wasn’t heading over there again. “They fraternise because arrancar don’t draw steel over nothing.” His narrowed glance at her unsheathed sword was scornful.
Soifon’s face returned to a florid red. For a single instant, she looked ready to kill them all. Then, slowly, she sheathed her sword. Her turn toward her men was swift.
“Did you find anything?” she snapped.
“Nothing, Captain. A lot of old candy, some authorised blueprints, and what we now know to be a vast collection of…uh, intimate devices.” The poor guy that had to report that looked like a wilted black daisy. “Nothing to report.”
“Then we can get the hell out of here.” Venom was less potent than the futile fury still simmering under Soifon’s skin, but as they all watched, the senkaimon opened in a blinding circle of light, its doors sliding wide to allow them through. She waved her men through first, hand still on the hilt of her sword.
“Until next year, Urahara Kisuke. Keep your nose clean until then, and if I were you I’d make sure Yoruichi-sama comes back from Las Noches soon.” Ste stepped into the light. “We wouldn’t want her waking up with fleas.”
Grimmjow’s lip curled ferally as the light vanished, taking the last of her virulent presence with it. He didn’t do anything more than that, and after another moment of silence, the entire group deflated with relief.
“That sucked,” Jinta said with heartfelt honesty. Then he ran directly at Grimmjow, tackling him—or trying to. Unable to budge him an inch, it just looked like a really aggressive hug. Grimmjow looked at him with a scowl. Ichigo stepped back and around them in case a scuffle was going to break out.
“She was really angry,” Yuzu said as they moved away from the little reunion. “Do you think it was PMS?”
“I don’t think PMS lasts for centuries.” Ichigo nodded at Urahara in proper greeting at last, pulling Yuzu by the hand with him. “Hey, Urahara. Is it always like that?”
“Good morning Kurosaki-san, and Kurosaki-san!” Urahara replied pleasantly. He looked entirely unbothered by the entire spectacle that had taken place. “My apologies for getting you both dragged into that. Normally she doesn’t come in person, but somehow she got wind that Yoruichi-san would be here. Her disappointment was almost flammable, as you just saw. If Grimmjow hadn’t arrived when he did, I’m not sure if she would have actually tried to stab me or not.”
“You mean your finger-sized penis,” Yuzu reminded him. Urahara’s eyes widened mournfully.
“Alas, I have no way to refute that claim without doing jail time.”
Turning in his geta, he clacked a few footsteps closer to the kids and Grimmjow. He had each in a loose headlock, making him look like he was carrying two hairy watermelons somewhere. They all looked up in peaceful curiosity as Urahara called for them.
“Come now, let’s go inside,” he said, clapping his hands lightly for attention. “We don’t want to delay lunch! All visitors are, of course, quite welcome to join us if they wish. You in particular, Grimmjow. I almost swooned at your manly rescue.”
Grimmjow made a face at that comment, but he let go of Jinta and Ururu and shoved them in the direction of the shop door, brushing himself off lightly. As they all filed inside, Yuzu following with a beckoning motion from Ururu, Ichigo stayed outside and tried to figure out exactly how Grimmjow had gone from a savage killer to…well, not just a savage killer. If Ichigo had to put his finger on it, he was kind of giving off older brother vibes. Did he spend time there like Renji used to?
“So,” Grimmjow said when it was just the two of them, looking grudgingly curious. “Looks like you got taller. Filled out some more, too. Did you get stronger?”
Ichigo looked down at his fitted white knit sweater and tight blue jeans, trying to see what he saw. “Not really. Nothing ground-breaking, anyway. Do you…come here often?” Realising how that sounded, Ichigo felt the tips of his ears turn hot. “I mean, they seem really comfortable with you, that’s all.”
Shoving his hands in his pockets, Grimmjow cocked his head a little and watched him for a long moment. Ichigo tried his best not to fidget, but it was like being scanned head to toe by a blue x-ray, one that seemed to notice things even he hadn’t realised. To keep his feet still, Ichigo just looked right back, eyes moving over familiar black and white clothing, the sword at his hip, the wide wedge of bare, muscled chest crossed with its familiar scars. Funny, how Ichigo had never once felt guilty about giving it to him. Maybe because Grimmjow smiled so much when he referred to it.
Finally, Grimmjow shrugged. “Come here a bit lately while this trade stuff is being worked out. I let those midgets annoy me sometimes, and Tessai makes some decent food even an arrancar can eat. Why?”
“You seem way more approachable. It’s kind of creeping me out.”
“Fuck you.”
“Fuck you. Last time we met, you were up to your elbow in blood because you’d ripped some quincy’s heart out, and we were dragging you all to Fourth Division for help.”
To say nothing of how exhausted Ichigo had been from his battle, right until the very moment Nel had galloped up urgently, saying they were all dying and nobody would help. The very last rush of adrenaline that had kicked in had been the stuff of urban myths where people lifted cars off loved ones with their bare hands. Completely different situation, Ichigo told himself. It felt like it had happened decades ago. How many years had it been? Three? Four?
“I don’t want to hear you calling me fuckin’ soft,” Grimmjow said flatly, crossing his arms. “Can’t fight all the time.”
“I’d never call you that,” Ichigo replied, feeling almost offended. He only got a grunt in reply. Noticing that Grimmjow was starting to cast his eyes around the wide front yard, as if he was looking for a space to reopen the garganta, Ichigo made a snap decision. “I thought I’d stay for lunch with the others.”
“Good for you,” Grimmjow replied, nonplussed.
“Yeah, well, come eat with me.” Ichigo desperately willed his face not to heat up. “Let me annoy you instead. I can fill you in on what you missed out here before showing up.”
Grimmjow gave a wary glance between the shop door and Ichigo’s face, then bizarrely down to his shoes and back up again. A white canine flashed as he bit the corner of his lip for a split second. Then, finally, he tipped his head to the sky and frowned. The entire display was fascinating. What was he thinking about?
“Don’t think we’ve ever had a real conversation before,” Grimmjow said eventually.
“There’s a first time for everything,” Ichigo ventured.
Grimmjow frowned. “Who was that girl standing with you? The one that went inside.”
Ichigo looked to the doors on reflex, but everyone must have already been well inside by then because it was entirely silent over there. “My sister. Yuzu.”
“She didn’t scream when she saw me.” Grimmjow seemed to ruminate on that for a moment. “You got more family like that?” Shifting his weight, he took one step forward, then another. There was nothing threatening about it, but Ichigo still felt his heart rate pick up as he closed in on him, little by little.
“I’ll tell you about them over lunch,” he said instead of answering. Countless battles he’d been in, but Ichigo had never felt quite as daring as he did just then. “You can tell me what you’ve been doing these last few years.”
Grimmjow stopped his advance a scant foot away, his slight height advantage allowing him to look down on Ichigo a little. He was frowning—he always frowned when he wasn’t smiling—but there didn’t seem to be any anger in it. Maybe that was just his default expression.
“What are you up to, Kurosaki?” The teal wing of his estigma pulled in slightly with his narrow-eyed look. If anything, it made his eyes look even bluer in the late morning sunlight.
Ichigo swallowed. “Lunch. I’m up to lunch. With you.”
Instead of replying right away, Grimmjow reached up and touched the shoulder of Ichigo’s sweater, brushing his fingertips over it quickly. It was soft wool, but nothing special really. Had he had a bug on him? The thought quickly jumped out of his mind when the next thing Grimmjow grabbed was his unprotected neck.
It wasn’t a strangling grip. It wasn’t aggressive at all, aside from it being Ichigo’s neck, one of the softest and most vulnerable places on his body. Warm, calloused fingers flexed a little, a strong palm radiating heat into the side of Ichigo's neck, right near his artery. The eyes Grimmjow had fixed on that point of contact were so intense they almost burned like gas-flame. Then he let go, stuffing his hands back into his pockets.
“Fine. Let’s go.” Without another word, he turned for the house.
Whatever secrets his neck had just told Grimmjow, amazingly it had gotten him to agree. Ichigo scrambled to catch up before he changed his mind, almost trotting over the bare dirt.
“You know, that just now wasn’t even the weirdest thing to happen today,” Ichigo said as they headed for the door. “Soifon’s inspection found a giant dildo of Urahara’s and she tried to kill Tessai with it.”
Grimmjow’s expression didn’t shift as he pulled open the door.
“What’s a dildo?”
Realising he’d actually have to explain, Ichigo abruptly died inside.
Yeah, lunch was definitely going to be enlightening.