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I wake up, ass ACHING. “What the hell,” I whisper sensually. I look around, and I’m on a big stupid boat. It smells bad. I convulse like a cat on the brink of regurgitation. Past the boat’s edge, I see a narrow, sludgy stream. There are brick walls all around. This canal is kinda beautiful, but also it kinda sucks. Anyway, I use my throbbing thunder thighs to get my petite frame (spare for my gargantuan glutes) off the cold, hard ground. I pull on one of the boat’s rails to stabilize myself.
“Um, hello?” I cry out scared, helpless, and alone.
“Hello. My name is Hubert Humphrey Gaylord. I am your father. From when you were born and stuff. I’m sorry for leaving all those years ago. They ran me out of town for having unnaturally awesome sauce ideas. They called me a witch, and chased me away with pitchforks in their hands. I ran and I ran sobbing and screaming; ‘WIFE! YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF OUR STRANGE UNNERVING CHILD! THEY’LL NEVER MAKE IT WITHOUT ME UNLESS YOU CAN LEARN TO BE SUPER EPIC!’. Speaking of, did she learn to be super epic? I kinda doubt it. I was about to divorce her, to be honest. Had I not been ostracized for being the absolute shit, I totally would have had custody of you and all that and then maybe you could have done something actually meaningful with your life. Like making this kick ass boat with me. Anyway, so yeah, this is the boat. Hope you like it. It’s not for you, because I like it too much, but I thought you should see it. So yeah, thoughts on the sweet ride?”
“Wait, does this mean you’re back in my life?!”
“Uh, first of all, don’t answer a question with a question, man. Like damn, you really did turn out totally lame. If I didn’t value honesty and integrity so much I’d tell you you were adopted. Well whatever, your lack of opinion aside, no. I am not coming back into your life. Clearly you’re not qualified to be my offspring. Well, anyway, enjoy the vacation. I know people don’t like talking to you, but there are a lot of people here, maybe someone on this boat actually wants to spend time with you. And if not, just don’t jump off. Trust me, it doesn’t do much other than make you stink. Well, in your case, stink more.”
“Dad… Why?”
“Yuck, don’t call me that. Anyway, see you around town, kid. Or, ideally, I won’t.” He says, before despawning.
Scared and confused, I collapse to the ground again. Why… Why would my estranged father take me to this stupid boat? Is this where it ends? I feel my hope dissolve. There’s nothing left for me.
“Hey are you okay,” I am asked by a man I’ve never seen.
“DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M OKAY?!” I say, gesturing to the tears streaming from my heterochromatic orbs.
“No,” He says, beginning to walk away.
“W-wait!” I say.
“Hi,” He says.
“Hi. Where are we?” I ask, hoping for some further information.
“On a boat. In a stream.”
“Dude… Okay, can you be more specific?”
“Well, it’s a pretty big boat. I’ve seen bigger, but it’s sizable. And it’s a pretty narrow stream. I think that’s why the sides of this thing keep breaking off.”
“Is that all you know about it?”
“Hm… No.”
“Okay? Can you tell me more?”
“I guess. So, it’s called The Titsmanic. And uh, the guy who made it kind of sucks.”
“Is that all ?”
“Yeah, I think so. Why were we talking again?”
“You asked if I was okay.”
“Oh. Are you okay?”
“No!”
“Damn, that’s a shame.”
“Yeah, it sure is.”
“Well. Bye.”
He walks away, looking around aimlessly as he does. Eventually, he heads down a staircase. Figuring that must be where everyone else is, I get up and follow him. I stumble down each step, occasionally letting out a fearful cry. The stranger almost notices me at one point, but I use my camouflage powers to slightly hide from him. I’m pretty sure he didn’t see me, and if he did he didn’t care. However, someone else does see me, despite my crazy camouflage powers.
“Hey ;). Let me help you B),” He says, yanking me down the last ten stairs. I fall to the ground, and my chin splits open.
“Damn, sorry babe. Let me get that for you B),” He pulls me up, smacks his sweaty palm across the lower half of my face, then wipes the blood off on his pants.
“Hey, look at that, all better B),” He says, as I shake in pain.
“W hat the fuck man,” I stammer, nearly falling back over.
“I haven’t seen you around here. Well, I guess I also kind of haven’t been here before. But I feel like if I had been here before, I still wouldn’t have seen you. So, uhhh, so what’s up girl ;)?”
“What is happening…?”
“Yeah, it might be hard for you to believe. Yeah, you know. Yeah, I’m a bit of a heartbreaker. Yeah, I get around. But… But like… Like, you might be different.”
“What are you even talking about dude?!”
“Wanna make out B)?”
“No.”
“Wh wha wha t B( ??????“
“I can hardly even move my mouth… Oh whatever, just get out of my way man.”
“I see how it is… I’ll change your mind though, baby! Just you wait!”
“Have fun with that,” I say, limping away.
I muster the strength to speed away from that guy, and try to get an idea of where the other guy went. I’m not sure I wanna be alone on this boat knowing who’s on it. I walk across the deck, looking at the foods, drinks, and puke puddles lining the way. It’s quite the sight. In my distracted state, I run into someone. Yet another guy. That makes three of them. A trio if you will.
“Oh hey, didn’t see you there,” He says, taking a step back.
“...Hi,” I say, holding my chin.
“Woah, what happened to your chin? It looks like you got your ass whooped!” He says, blushing, smirking, and pulling hair that isn’t there behind his ear.
“Yeah, I might as well have.”
“Haha, yeah, couldn’t be me, I don’t tend to lose fights. I mean, sorry you got beat up and stuff.”
“Thanks.”
“So, what’s up?”
“Huh?”
“What’s up? Like, how are you?”
“Oh. Unfathomably bad. You?”
“Thanks for asking! I’m doing great. You know it’s funny, usually this is the point in the conversation where I’m told I’m a little like the Son of Sam-”
“Why would anyone say that?”
“-But you know, it’s just not true. You know I’m thin, I don’t grin, and all that. Just in case you were wondering.”
“Uh, I wasn’t.”
“Okay, haha, just making sure you knew.”
“...Okay. I’m gonna go now.”
“Right! Nice to meet you, uh, whoever you are.”
“Yeah you too…”
Once again, I’m back on my way. I make my way through this deck, and onto another. The stranger I met first is nowhere to be seen. In fact, there’s no one here at all. There are bags scattered about, but no one beside them.
I reach the boat's furthest edge, after much traveling, and finally I encounter the strange man from earlier. Now that I’m here, I kinda don’t know why exactly I decided to follow him. It’s not like we got on particularly well. Still, given the other three people I’ve encountered thus far, he does seem like my best option.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” He says. The chemistry is thicker than the big ass blister on my heel.
“Um. So, what’s up?”
“I’m just thinking.”
“Oh. Okay. So, what’s your name?”
“Uh, Adam. You?”
“Y/N the great. Arguably.”
“Okay,” He says, turning towards the outer rail of the boat, shyly.
I stand behind him breathing heavily and pretending to be his shadow for a couple minutes. I guess he’s having trouble coming to terms with the ripe tension that stands between us. Odd. Eventually, our romantic moment is interrupted. Shucks.
“Hey, it’s you again! Nice to see you, split-chin!” The Son of Sam dude says.
“Oh. Hi.” I say, blushing. I’m super moved by his romantic words.
“Oh, hey Adam!” He says… IGNORING ME??? 🙁.
“Hey Adam.” Says Adam 1.
“What,” I say.
“Oh, you’re still here.” Says Adam 2. He noticed me ^w^!!!!!!
“Yeah. My dad kinda abducted me. I think.”
“Damn, that sucks, dude,” Adam 1 says, showing his sensitive side.
“Yeah, I wouldn’t take that if I were you,” Adam 2 says, showing his protective side.
“Wow guys, that’s so sweet.”
“What,” They say simultaneously, clearly not used to being flirted with.
Unfortunately, before I can seduce them with my massive T(its)/C(ock), the tension is broken by the shade sporting fiend from earlier.
“Hey baby ;),” He says.
“...”
“I made you a song ;),” He (unfortunately) says.
“...”
“Hey girl, if I saw you in the toilet I would not swirl, and even though you kinda stink you don’t make me hurl. Now, you’re kind of uh, you know, uh, special and all that. For you, I will, uh, tip my hat. And if you’re into, like bondage or whatever, I can show you my baseball bat. Yeah, yeah. Now you’re really pretty, and only a little shitty, but probably not in bed, I think there you’d be uh… Good. Or something. Anyway, I remember the first time I saw you. You looked all stupid and sexy. I knew I had to get next to you, and all that. So I escorted you down the stairs all gentle, yeah, and you were like ‘oh Mike D that’s so sweet and hot of you’ and I was like ‘of course babe B) it’s a curse, really’ and then you were like ‘we should totally make out’ but then you accidentally walked away or whatever so I wrote you this song. Um, I think this is when I say ‘I love you’ or something, but I don’t know how true that is.”
“...”
Feigning deafness, I walk to the outer rail of the boat and stand by the Adams. For a moment, the three of us stand in silence. That is, until Adam 2 turns around.
“I don’t think they’re gonna fuck you, Mike.”
“YOU DON’T KNOW THAT! That’s not true, is it… uh, what was your name again?”
“His name is Adam,” I say.
“No, what’s your name?” Mike asks again.
“...” I turn back to the outer rail.
“Um… random boat babe, you wanna, uh, do it? Don’t you :(?”
“I don’t think they do.”
“SHUT UP ADAM.”
“Hey, Y/N, can you just answer him already?” Adam 1 says.
“Fine. No, Mike. I’m not going to fuck you.”
“Oh, so you wanna make out instead B)?”
“I’m legitimately going to kill myself.”
“Not if I do it first,” Adam 2 says turning into… THE SON OF SAM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Suddenly, he pushes me off the boat. Typical tsundere. I would fall to my death, but the stream is so shallow I kind of just land on my feet. I get out of the water and walk over to the bricklaid edge.
I start crying profusely. Until I see the boat ram into a giant shit iceberg that is. The boat explodes and the three of them and my stupid douchebag dad all die on impact.
I climb up a nearby ladder and push open the manhole. The sun pierces my gorgeous orbs, but they eventually adjust. When I finally am able to look around, my sights settle on a large sign. “Welcome to Wyoming,” it reads. Sounds about right.