Work Text:
The whole concept of love Kim Dokja had as a teenager came mostly from the occasional romance side plot of the web novels he read. Neither he nor Han Sooyoung were into love stories, so that really was his only source.
He also heard what his classmates said about romance and dating. Going out, buying presents, celebrating anniversaries. It sounded very time, money and effort consuming, which wasn't too appealing— but it still had to be something nice to have, there must be a valid reason all teenagers were obsessed with love! An under the tree confession, a beautiful flower bouquet, a love letter— everyone wanted to receive one of these. Growing up with all kinds of capitalist assumptions of what love is supposed to be, it was no wonder Kim Dokja didn't understand what love actually is. What his love is.
It wasn't until ten years later, in a night full of drunk spiraling thoughts, as he watched as Yoo Joonghyuk's hand rested on the table, that he realized he misinterpreted real love as a whole.
What a damaged hand, he thought. Full scars from heavy labor— he should have stopped the bastard from taking those gigs when they were younger. Really, weren't his hands important for his streamer job? Weren’t the hands the body part his sign ruled? Leo. Oh, no, he's tripping, Uriel said that time. It was actually the spine and the heart… the heart— how did Yoo Joonghyuk take care of his? Was it as bad as the way he took care of his hands? Just look at those crackers, his skin looks too rough, not good to hold.
As he thought about it, Kim Dokja felt weirdly displeased. He wished Yoo Joonghyuk took care of his hands more, because he liked Yoo Joonghyuk's hands. A lot. But if he held them, they would feel dry and calloused. Not good to hold. Kim Dokja paused, squinting his eyes and gluing his lips. No, he would probably still like to hold those hands, even if they were rough and didn’t feel too good to hold, seeing that they were the same hands that cooked delicious meals for him and the ones that drove him to work. They were the hands that made him feel safe, and Kim Dokja was suddenly hit by the fact that it was the only pair of hands in the world that could do so.
He frowned. Kim Dokja wasn't an expert in the realm of emotions, but even he knew something about his thoughts didn’t sound proper.
"What useless things are you thinking about this time?" The voice startled Kim Dokja out of his reverie.
Well, at least his voice was preserved. Smooth quality and deep like ocean waters. Very good to listen to.
"I'm thinking you look stupid wearing an all black outfit in the middle of the summer."
"It is almost winter."
"And? Explain how that counter-argues my statement."
The glare Yoo Joonghyuk gave him could bore a hole through his forehead. He giggled. Ah, he felt so happy. System full of alcohol and dopamine, and maybe another thing too.
"You're the only stupid fool here."
Fool. This usual bickering, the orange lighting of the bar, the soju bottle long gone hot in his hands, the settled fondness lingering to that word. Fool. Everything was so cozy and pleasant, perfect, Kim Dokja loved the familiarity of each of these mundane things.
And he loved… Yoo Joonghyuk. For being the main piece of this picture.
There can’t be any feeling greater than this, he thought. Whatever those girls in the back of the class were saying at that time couldn’t be better than this.
Despite being in a public place, his heart felt at home, his peace and everything he could wish for converged in this one person. It was a feeling Kim Dokja was already used to, after all, it was present in every selfless action he took for the sake of the other, in every piece of advice and every grocery he helped to store. That was love. Love he didn't notice that was always flowing among him and other people, so quiet it went overlooked. In the daily life of such a busy, loud world, love was a whisper, rooted like Yoo Joonghyuk's repetitive words.
How come this man kept calling him a fool for ten years? Maybe he loved Kim Dokja too.
Kim Dokja studied his drink. Damn, was this really just soju? Ugh, look at him getting all philosophical. Reflecting about the matters of life meant he was already too drunk. He said so to Yoo Joonghyuk, and somehow got carried home.
Between one blink and another, Kim Dokja looked up, he saw Yoo Joonghyuk's pretty face hovering over him, cool lighting passing through the window and casting upon his features, while his head was slowly rested on soft cushions. He closed his eyes again, unable to stand the sight. What was this bastard doing putting his face so close right after Dokja’s life-changing yet anticlimactic realization? He can’t give him a break.
"No fever." Yoo Joonghyuk's hand touched his forehead and before he could withdraw, Kim Dokja smoothly grabbed it by the fingers and pressed them onto his lips. The hand twitched against his mouth, but didn't move away. Then, he reached out for Yoo Joonghyuk and pulled him down to land a rather sloppy kiss on his face.
From that point forward, he was engulfed by darkness.
The morning after a drinking night was as inconvenient as one would guess. In Kim Dokja's case, that went beyond a hangover headache or a smelly body.
How can he put that… He wouldn’t say fearful, but he was quite hesitant before walking out the bedroom. After a whole recapitulation of last night’s events during a cold shower, he expected a good scolding from Yoo Joonghyuk, who was left to do all the troublesome work yesterday while Kim Dokja did internal monologues. He even considered texting Han Sooyoung for help, but the thought was gone as fast as it came. He doubted she would aid him if Yoo Joonghyuk was the subject, maybe she would even laugh at his disgrace.
Kim Dokja imagined a few scenarios and the bullshit he could say to get away with it one more time and strode straight to the kitchen countertop. Yoo Joonghyuk had his back to him, but he knew the other noticed him when his handiwork halted briefly. He still didn't turn around though.
As the silence stretched, Kim Dokja started to feel anxious, feet swaying and sometimes bumping on the stool. He was almost laying his head in his arms to hide when Yoo Joonghyuk placed in front of him a plate of korean egg rolls and toast.
"We don't have enough groceries for omurice."
Kim Dokja hummed, faking comprehension. What does he mean? Omurice? Why make his favorite food when he was supposed to suffer through torture of tomato juice… or something? His mind was full of static with this outcome, but he ate without saying a word, it was better if Yoo Joonghyuk wasn't planning to act on his sadistic tendencies.
Yoo Joonghyuk watched him finish everything with a strangely pleased look and at the end Kim Dokja looked back.
"Thanks for the food." He said.
It was Yoo Joonghyuk's turn to hum in acknowledgement, he walked around the countertop to Kim Dokja's side.
And gave him a long kiss on the cheek.
Kim Dokja: &2&@1$/9@2!;8-@ (Which means Kim Dokja made a bunch of incoherent noises.)
Yoo Joonghyuk seemed a bit startled by that, "What are you doing?"
"I— You— Kiss…?" Kim Dokja shrieked, he was mustering every piece of rationality in him to not sound completely hysterical, although he wasn't sure if his obvious inability to form sentences was any better. With the closest thing to a blank face he mechanically asked, "Do you like… me? Or something…?"
"..."
Yoo Joonghyuk eyed him closely, frowning when he realized Kim Dokja was serious. A shadow spread over his face. "...I'll actually kill you."
'???'
What has Kim Dokja even done? He echoed the thought.
"Aren't we in a relationship?"
Kim Dokja was close to start crying because of how lost he was in the conversation, "Not that I know of? What do you mean?"
Yoo Joonhyuk fell silent for a few seconds, before sighing and brushing his hair with his hand, "We live together."
"Yes? Like roommates."
"We haven't seen other people since we moved in and we sleep on the same bed."
"...Right, the double bed was on sale."
"We cuddle. You even indulge it."
"That's…"
"And we're not dating?" Yoo Joonghyuk was skeptical.
Kim Dokja groaned, "That's all stuff that can be done platonically."
"...I thought you just weren't interested in other things." He paused. "What was that little stunt you pulled yesterday then?"
Kim Dokja opened his mouth but couldn't say anything, he suddenly found the kitchen wall tile design very compelling.
Yoo Joonghyuk waited for him a bit more and sighed when he was left unanswered. He snatched the used plate and walked to the sink. The sound of water running filled the silence as he washed the dirty dishes.
Kim Dokja chest constricted. He is upset, he thought. He glanced at Yoo Joonghyuk's back, eyes focusing on the nape.
'No…' He scrutinized the red ears and neck. He is embarrassed.
A soft laugh emerged from the same place that was stuffy moments ago. They are actually the same. Fortunately, Yoo Joonghyuk wasn’t sharp-witted this time and let him have the upper hand.
He waited until he finished washing the dishes just to be petty, "So you do like me…" Kim Dokja teased.
Yoo Joonghyuk turned to him with a big frown on his face, "And you go around kissing people's fingers platonically."
"Hey!" Kim Dokja immediately jumped from his seat in protest and fluster. "Why do you make it sound as if I’m some weird finger kisser maniac that kisses anyone's fingers?!"
Yoo Joonghyuk huffed, facing away, "I wouldn't know."
Look at this bastard!
Kim Dokja breathed in and out deeply. They would not fight like two stupid middle schoolers. Not now. He forced out, "…Do you really not know?"
"…"
"Do you really not know why I, ah, yesterday acted like that?"
Kim Dokja had a thick face, he luckily didn’t turn red like a tomato, but his entire upper body felt feverish and his ears burned. It wasn’t an overstatement to say he mustered the courage of a lifetime to spill those words.
"…I would rather not guess anymore."
"Ugh. Stop being so difficult, Joonghyuk-ah."
Soon, a hand weighted on his neck, softly at first, but quickly evolved into an oppressive and strong grip.
"If you're lying I'll really kill you." He gave a light squeeze.
"Yes, yes, I know." Kim Dokja patted his wrist, avoiding direct eye contact.
Yoo Joonghyuk stared at him for one good full minute before drawing his fingers throughout Kim Dokja's nape hair and tugging it, which elicited an instant glare from him. Kim Dokja was about to complain when Yoo Joonghyuk stopped him with a kiss, this time on the lips.
Kim Dokja's nails dug into his palm.
"You're a fool." Yoo Joonghyuk mumbled. "You should have said you weren't lying."
This is so annoying. Why was his heart beating so fast? No matter how much he tried to deny it, he didn't know what he should do, but he was happy.
"Then…" Kim Dokja coughed, changing topics. "Since when?" —did you like me?
Yoo Joonghyuk tilted his head. He looked like a puppy when he did that, Kim Dokja thought.
"I don't know." Well, what a disappointing answer. Not that Kim Dokja knew either, but did this bastard even make an effort to remember? He continued, "What about you?"
Shit. He was hoping he wouldn't ask back. "Me too…"
They both looked at each other with puzzling emotions. Ha. What a great pair they made.
"Uhm, I guess it just… somehow… things developed this way, right… haha..." Kim Dokja's attempt to cover up their lack of emotional intelligence sounded even more awkward. But, alright, he got points for trying.
In truth, nothing seemed that different for him. Between the days they were teenagers killing time and now, in their mid twenties, it was almost as if nothing had changed. Similar to the feeling of growing up and realizing you don't stop being yourself or suddenly have some sort of enlightenment once you come of age, you just stay being who you were until now, you just stay growing, you can't just pinpoint when you become a proper adult. And the same applied to his love, it just kept piling up, accumulating, until one day he looked up at the heap taller than himself and thought: Ah, it's already this much?
There was always so much love and tenderness involved, and he wasn't even aware. He couldn’t tell when exactly he fell in love. Was it when they decided to move in together? Was it when Yoo Joonghyuk helped him choose a book? When Kim Dokja fell asleep on his shoulder?
…Or was it from the beginning, when he found the quiet kid at the front seat too cool to waste his looks behind a grumpy scowl?
No one could answer that.
A chuckle got him out of his thoughts, he looked up and saw Yoo Joonghyuk’s mouth morphed into a relaxed smile. The sight made Kim Dokja's heart hurt. He felt that he wanted to hide him away, so that no one but Kim Dokja knew about this smile, or else they would certainly going to fall in love with Yoo Joonghyuk too.
"It doesn't matter." He said. Soft, soft eyes. "And stop spacing out. You look dumb."
Yoo Joonghyuk cupped his face, stroking the edges of his lower eyelids. The touch had a rough texture as Kim Dokja imagined and it wasn't unpleasant in the least. As he wondered, the thumbs started tracing his mouth.
Oh, Yoo Joonghyuk's smile was contagious, he didn’t realize when he started smiling too.