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Castiel was starting to get the impression Dean was not going to let this go. Dean was complaining again about not knowing what was real, going over every tiny interaction he'd had with the patrons of the diner they had just left. Castiel nodded along; he was only half-listening to Dean, as an angel he was capable of taking in what Dean was saying without bothering to focus on it, millenia of humans praying to him all at once saw to that. His irritation was building though, as he watched Dean’s lips remembering all the times he’d watched them before. Staring and not understanding why he needed to hold himself back.
The thought came to him unbidden, Angels are above human emotion and attachment, what he was feeling obviously was just an instinct left over from his vessel, he didn’t want to kiss Dean. He couldn't. No matter how plump and tempting his lips were. He didn't want to kiss Dean. He became aware Dean had stopped talking and he stared in silence as Dean's tongue darted over his lips, it was odd how often that happened when Dean was looking at him, he'd been counting, nine thousand three hundred and sixty-seven, almost all occurrences of lip licking were where when Dean was talking to or about him. He again considered closing the inches between them. To run his own tongue over those lips. He didn’t act on his impulse, and the internal battle didn't show. It never did. It had been the same for years.
“It’s not right! How do I know which thoughts are my own and what’s been planted there?”
Dean had started up his tirade again. His rough, weapon-calloused hands waving and freckled brow furrowed in annoyance. Castiel could see the fear in his eyes though it was well hidden beneath the anger.
It suddenly occurred to Castiel how every time he stopped himself it was with the same thought, staring into green eyes and wondering how they’d look widening in shock then fluttering closed as he kissed those plush lips, Angels are above human emotion and attachment so what he thinks he feels isn’t real it’s just an instinct left over from his vessel he didn't want to caress Dean's face and run his thumb over that glorious plump lip before drawing Dean in close with a gentle hand stroking his hair. But. What if it wasn't? What if he tested the theory? He took a step closer, into what Dean referred to as personal space. Dean did not move away. He never did. Despite his many loud protests about it. Dean's pupils had dilated, and his breathing was accelerated. Castiel moved imperceptibly closer again. Another thought rose, a new one. What if Dean would be disgusted? He called you a brother he’d tell you to leave. It would be better to carry on as he was than ruin everything on a pointless human whim leftover in the vessel.
“Eileen said it felt wrong, but she couldn’t stop it when Chuck took her over, that she was being controlled like a puppet,” Castiel said, finally joining in the one-sided conversation.
“Was that what it was like when Naomi was brainwashing you? Did you know it was happening?” Dean asked, seemingly unfazed by Castiel's previous silence and intense stare.
He often pointed out Castiel's behaviour as though it were flawed and yet he never reacted negatively to his weirdness. Balthazar had said something odd along the lines of ladies protesting loudly when he'd mentioned it to him, he wasn't sure what the Suffragettes had to do with it and Balthazar had moved on to complaining about Castiel's clothing so he didn't bother to ask.
“Sometimes, sometimes it was more subtle. I only realised afterwards that a thought or action wasn’t my own it wouldn’t… it would feel bad in my gut” Castiel hesitantly replied, something sparking within him he couldn't quite decipher.
Dean was staring at Cas's lips again as he’d spoken, pink tongue darting out to wet them, nine thousand, three hundred and sixty-eight Castiel wondered how Dean would taste. If it was just molecules like when he kissed Meg or if there would be heat and salt like April. He wasn't human now so most likely molecules. He realised he was feeling disappointment. Angels are above human emotion and attachment. What he thought he was feeling wasn't real, it was just an instinct left over from his vessel. Castiel tilted his head and squinted as he came to another realisation. Balthazar and Gabriel had often given in to their vessels whims seemingly without consequences, even Hannah had picked up some odd behaviours while earth bound.
Against his will -Dean would be disgusted- started to run through his mind like a recording. He stamped it down and an overwhelming feeling of wrongness washed over him, he felt sick with the need to purge the planted thoughts from his body. Of course.
Dean's ranting had clicked something back into place in his mind. It was Dean. It was always Dean. Making Castiel break the rules. Break free from Naomi. Break his chassis. Break his own mind. He would break the entire universe for Dean.
“Dean, I know what’s real,” he announced as he surged forward and claimed Dean’s lips with his own. The voice in his head that was not his own screamed warnings. He'll hate you… you're disgusting… not human… a brother… just a vess–
The planted thoughts melted away and were replaced with a swooping feeling in his stomach and his chest felt like it was going to burst. Dean had frozen but Castiel hadn't realised until he felt him shift suddenly, he tensed briefly expecting to be shoved away or worse, then relaxed as he felt Dean melt against him. Dean kissed him softly, almost tentative, but his arms had wrapped Castiel up tightly as if he expected him to be ripped away. It was everything Castiel could have dreamed and yet still not enough. He could never have enough of this. Of Dean.
Castiel broke the kiss and leaned their foreheads together as he breathed his words over Dean’s lips, "Dean, we're real, this is real."