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“Is there anything in your life you wish you had done differently?” Arthur asked, “Something that would’ve given your life a different outcome?”
Gwen was silent for a moment, staring up at the ceiling and pursing her lips in thought. “I regret not trying harder with Merlin. I think I should have married him.”
Arthur tensed and turned his head towards her in confusion.
“I think we would’ve been happy,” she paused briefly, “Maybe we’d have a couple of kids by now. Merlin would be a good father.”
Arthur grimaced, “I didn’t know you two were ever together.” Arthur remembered their old flirtation very clearly. It had driven him crazy, though he hadn’t realized why at the time. Arthur was sure he would’ve known if it ever had turned into something more.
Gwen turned onto her side and met Arthur’s eyes. “We weren’t ever really, I guess, well, not technically anyway. But we did have something—I mean, it wasn’t serious. We were sort-of together.”
“What’s that even supposed to mean?”
“That’s the thing,” Gwen said. She sighed and brought her hands to her face.
Arthur scoffed.
“There was a window of time that we could’ve been together if I just tried a little harder, but I was too scared.”
“Right,” Arthur tried to sound sarcastic, “because Merlin is terrifying.”
“Don’t laugh at me. He was,” Gwen said, smiling.
“You’ve had knights wanting to romance you your entire life and a little serving boy made you nervous?”
“Knights are easy. It was always so obvious what they wanted. Merlin was so different and new that I never knew what he was thinking. Also he’s so sweet, and he was nice to me all the time…”
Merlin hadn’t been “so sweet” to Arthur in the beginning. Arthur rolled his eyes at her. “Usually being nice is a good sign–”
Gwen cut him off. “No, no, no. Just let me explain what I mean.” She sighed, looking back at the ceiling to think again. When a story occurred to her, she turned again towards Arthur. “Did you know I used to be in charge of washing all of your laundry?” She asked.
“No,” Arthur answered. “Why would I know that?”
“All your manservants through the years used to always drop your things off in the laundry room when I was working. It was just expected procedure—laundry is maid’s work, none of the male servants do laundry in the palace.”
“Really? Men don’t do laundry?” Arthur asked.
“They might do their own if they don’t have a mother or a wife to do it for them, but mostly no, they don’t,” Gwen said.
“Huh.”
“You really didn’t know that?”
“I’ve never really needed to know much about chores in general, let alone who is supposed to do what.”
“I suppose that makes sense,” Gwen said. The mattress shifted under her weight as she propped her head up in her hand. “Anyway, the point is, since as Morgana’s handmaiden, I was the only maid with possibly equivalent ranking to the Prince’s manservant, it was my job to do your laundry.”
“So every time Merlin has complained about my laundry through the years, he’s just been lying to my face?”
“No,” Gwen shook her head, “it was just all the servants before him. On Merlin’s first or second day or so, he showed up in the laundry room while I was doing my washing for Morgana. I expected him to hand me the load, but instead he came over, sat next to me, and started doing it himself. And he starts talking to me, right, and we’re sitting and chatting and he’s making me laugh and I thought he was trying to flirt, you know, doing the laundry as an excuse to talk to me—but eventually we get to a point in the conversation and he’s talking about work, and I realize it had never even occurred to him that laundry might not be his responsibility as a man. He was just trying to do his job.”
“Maybe you should’ve told him,” Arthur said, “then my clothes might’ve been cleaner.”
Gwen laughed. “Oh, but I used to love all the time we’d spend together talking while washing.” She let herself smile for a moment. “Nobody else will ever tell him either. The women are quite fond of him down in the laundry room.”
“What?” Arthur asked. He realized he didn’t know why it never occurred to him that Merlin might be popular among the ladies, considering.
Gwen just giggled again.
“I get what you mean though,” Arthur said, “You’re saying you weren’t ever sure if he was being nice to you, or if he was just nice.”
“I also wasn’t sure if he was doing things to be nice, or if that’s just how people from small farm towns like that interact with people. I think what Merlin was taught was appropriate to do and say with a woman is much different than what’s considered appropriate here.”
“What, was he sneaking off to dark corners alone with you?” Arthur joked.
Gwen blushed and laughed. “Yes actually, he would.”
Arthur didn’t respond to that. He wished Gwen wasn’t looking at him at the moment. It was probably too dark to see his expression well, but she would notice if he broke eye contact, and she would be able to feel the tension in his body if he looked away and shifted to lie on his back.
“He used to make me feel so rebellious,” Gwen said. There was an air of reminiscence in her voice. “It was just the stupidest things too, but it was so exciting.”
Arthur hummed.
“He used to play this game with me when we used to work banquets and whatnot.” Gwen’s cheeks were growing warmer and warmer. “We’d be standing there side by side, holding our pitchers, or watching knights and lords present themselves to the court, and Merlin would…Merlin would ask me…” Gwen let out a flustered giggle.
“We would play ‘who’d you rather.’”
Arthur sat up slightly. “What’s that?” He asked.
“It’s inappropriate.” Gwen buried her face in her hands. Feeling Arthur’s eyes still on her, she continued, “it’s exactly what it sounds like.”
Arthur snorted, a little amused, despite himself, and laid back down. He didn’t say anything, though he realized the last time he had left her in silence, just moments before, she had continued to indulge in those memories. Sure enough, moments later, Gwen sighed.
“I think back then was the happiest I’ve ever been,” she said, “yet I probably never would have even done anything about it if he hadn’t almost died that time he drank that damned poison for you.”
“Wait, what poison? What did you do?”
“The mortaeus flower, remember? I thought he had died. Right after we gave him the antidote, he stopped breathing. Gaius checked for a heartbeat and couldn’t hear it. So when Merlin finally woke up, I was so stunned I didn’t have time to think it through or get scared—I just grabbed him and kissed him.”
Arthur scowled. “That’s ridiculous.”
“What?”
“Seriously?”
“That bothers you? Really?” Gwen asked.
“It’s just not fair! I almost died!”
Gwen laughed at him.
“I almost died for him! And what did you do? Sorry—no, I know you helped. I do thank you for that. But still! I almost died and what did I get? Nothing! I got to get locked up. But you got to get snogged?! How is that fair?”
Gwen was full-on belly laughing now. She struggled to catch her breath. “You are such an entitled baby!”
Arthur snorted and folded his arms.
Gwen struggled to compose herself.
“You know,” she said, once she had finally stopped laughing, “Merlin told me once about how you got mad at him for not bringing you any flowers because someone asked him to deliver flowers to Morgana for them. I didn’t fully believe him at the time, I thought he was just being dramatic.”
“Hey,” Arthur said, “Merlin is my servant, there was no reason—”
Gwen started laughing again. Arthur thought back to how he must sound. He realized there was no way to defend himself here.
“Okay, fair enough,” he said.
They both breathed out, just sitting in the moment. It was late. There was a bit of lightness in Arthur’s heart, having had Gwen laughing in bed beside him. Arthur hadn’t ever wanted a marriage, but this was certainly better than what he expected he’d wind up with.
He let his mind wander back through their conversation and his heart began to sink again. He thought about Merlin and Gwen kissing. Had Merlin liked it? Gwen said they weren’t ever “really” together. Not knowing what the whole truth was was gnawing at him.
“So if you overcame your fear, if you kissed him, why didn’t you two…?” Arthur let his question trail off.
“Merlin never takes anything seriously, you know. He was very casual about it all—he kissed me a few more times and I would kiss him, but he never talked to me about it and he never pushed things forward himself. I was so used to traditionally being ‘chased’ so to speak, but Merlin sort-of just went with the flow and I didn’t know what to do with that. I was too young and insecure at the time and I didn’t have the confidence to take control of the situation myself.”
“So, do you mean you think he wasn’t interested?” Arthur asked.
“No. Maybe a little bit at the time, but now—I mean, things have changed so much between us over the years, it wouldn’t ever work out now, even if you and I weren’t married—but Merlin was open to any move I made back then and he’s always been affectionate and he does things for me. I think if I had told him back then about my feelings, and told him I wanted us to be together, that we would be together. We probably still would be too, don’t you think?”
Arthur considered that for himself. If he actually tried anything, if he let Merlin in on his feelings, would that work out for him at all? No, he concluded, he knew it would make him delusional to think otherwise.
“Yeah,” he told Gwen, “you’re probably right.” He turned his back to her and tried to go to sleep.