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It was odd coming back to the apartment she used to call home. Nayeon remembered how meticulous Mina had been about the decorations that could or couldn’t go up on the wall, arguing about color scheme and themes. She shrugged off her coat, tossing it on the burgundy couch they had inherited from a friend.
She put Mina’s go-to order of tteokbokki on the table- mild, extra soft-boiled eggs, extra sausage, extra fish cakes. She hadn’t asked, but Nayeon knew to bring it when she heard a familiar voice breaking over the phone earlier.
“Thanks for coming over, I didn’t know who else to call.” They had broken up five months ago, but the two remained friends. This wasn’t Nayeon’s first time responding to a call, although she couldn’t say that her immediate feeling to drop everything and go had shrunk since the breakup. It was as if her heart had remained frozen in that time, shielding itself from the pain it would feel if Nayeon lingered on their breakup for too long.
They had broken up for several reasons. There was Mina’s stubbornness, and Nayeon’s unwillingness to apologize. Mina’s unmet expectations, always ending in disappointment and frustration from both parties, and Nayeon’s need for constant companionship, that Mina wasn’t always ready to give. Insecurity had also plagued their relationship, and for a while, it seemed they had found their way until they couldn’t anymore.
Nayeon turned around to find Mina falling into her arms, jasmine scent overwhelming her senses, body subconsciously relaxing into the sudden contact. Her hands lingered on the gray sweater, texture rough to the pads of her fingers. She pulled the younger girl in tighter, not sure if Mina needed this as much as she did.
As Mina recounted her latest heartbreak, Nayeon’s eyes panned around the room. The coffee table remained in the same place, mugs littered across the black surface. The TV was quietly streaming re-runs of “New Girl,” which they had started watching together. Dishes were piled up in the sink, along with used pots and pans scattered on the stovetop. There were various items of clothing randomly placed in the living room, socks on the ground, leggings on a chair. All this to say, not much had changed since they’d split up.
Nayeon felt tears soak through her cardigan, reminding her that it might help to pay attention to what Mina was saying. She grabbed the food and carefully maneuvered herself and the girl to the couch, dropping the takeout on the empty space on the table. As expected, Mina curled up into a ball on Nayeon’s lap, tucking her face in the crook of Nayeon’s neck. Her arms moved to wrap around the sobbing girl, who had given up on speaking.
Nayeon’s hands started moving of their own accord, one securely wrapping around her waist, the other smoothing out invisible wrinkles on Mina’s leggings. Before she knew it, she found herself leaning in, pressing her lips to the other girl’s forehead. This wasn’t a new experience for her, but it was definitely something she hadn’t done in a while. She gave Mina an extra squeeze.
“I just can’t believe it didn’t work out again, I was so sure of him this time,” Mina said between sobs.
“Well there’s your first mistake, a man,” Nayeon sighed, chuckling a little as Mina punched her softly in the shoulder.
“Now is not the time,” Mina sniffled.
“Sorry. But also, you said he had a mullet? That’s a bad sign,” Nayeon mumbled.
“Nayeon!”
“Ok, ok. Tell me more, I’m here to listen,” Nayeon replied, moving her free hand to start running through Mina’s hair.
Truthfully, Nayeon had heard this story plenty of times before. Mina was always going for the bad boys, the ones who were attractive but really didn’t have anything else going for them. Their relationship lacked depth, which was something Mina craved. They would never really be able to fully understand the person she was. Nayeon had been a fluke, which is why she lasted longer than a month, but it’s not like the competition was fierce. Nayeon was observant, which helped her know all of these things before Mina did.
An hour had passed since Nayeon had stepped into the house, and Mina had finally recounted the whole relationship, start to finish.
“Let me go heat this up. Did you get a new kettle?” Nayeon asked as she gently set the other girl down so she could stand up.
“Yeah, it’s on the counter,” Mina said as she curled up on the couch. Nayeon grabbed a gray blanket, Mina’s favorite, and tucked the other girl in.
Nayeon went into the kitchen, grabbed the new kettle, and filled it with water. She set it on the stove and started shuffling around the kitchen. The takeout went into the microwave, the silverware was to the left of the dishwasher, the cups were over the sink, and the tea was to the right of the stove. She hummed softly as she pulled everything together in the kitchen like she had done so many times before.
“Here, eat,” Nayeon said as she placed the tteokbokki on the table next to the cup of tea she had just made. She gave one fork to Mina, who had just started sitting up, and kept one for herself.
“Is this from the stall down the road?” Mina questioned as she blew her nose.
“Where else would I go?” Nayeon asked, wiping the tears from the other girl’s face.
They chatted a little over the food, and it reminded Nayeon of when their relationship was going well. Conversation was always comfortable, never forced. Mina was only talking about her day, but Nayeon found herself unable to tear herself away. She knew exactly why they broke up, and also why they should never get back together again. And yet here she was, soaking in all the sounds and smells, body responding before her mind could. Why was her heart stirring?
“Nayeon, do you think I’m the problem?” Mina asked, shaking Nayeon out of whatever that was.
“What do you mean?” Nayeon responded quickly.
“Am I the reason things fall apart?” Nayeon didn’t have words. Mina was definitely the reason they weren’t still together, but it wasn’t necessarily a flaw she had. Nayeon knew more than anyone, that even if two people love each other, that doesn’t mean they have to be together.
“Of course not. Do you really think you have that much power?” Nayeon laughed, earning her a small smile from Mina. “I just think you should find someone who’s ready for you.”
“Well now, what do you mean?” Mina asked.
“I think you’ve been picking people who aren’t ready to be in a relationship with you. And maybe that’s because you aren’t ready for a relationship, but either way, it’s not going to end well. You need to be with someone who is ready to see you for who you are,” Nayeon shrugged. Sometimes she wondered if perhaps they had met later down the road, maybe it would have worked out. Maybe they would’ve suffered enough heartbreaks, and finally become the people that would best complement each other. Maybe in another timeline, but currently not this one.
“Yeah, I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship yet, especially not if I keep getting broken like this,” Mina sighed. Nayeon nodded, rubbing small circles on Mina’s back.
“I think you deserve someone really great, Mina, and I hope you never settle,” Nayeon said slowly.
“I sure hope the right person will stick around and maybe even wait for me to be ready, we will see I guess,” Mina sighed.
“I need to take off soon, but how about we get this place cleaned up?” Nayeon asked, knowing her resolve was crumbling with every second she remained in Mina’s vicinity.
“Oh, you have to go?” Mina asked, looking at her with a sad look.
“I, uh, I mean I don’t have to but-”
“No, no it’s ok, I was just curious,” Mina finished quickly, moving to get to the furthest point of the apartment, away from this moment. Nayeon also awkwardly hopped up, fumbling around as she started cleaning.
And with that, they snapped back into their rhythm. Nayeon gathered all the mugs and utensils around the living room area and took them to the kitchen, where Mina had started doing the dishes and cleaning the surfaces. Nayeon went back and started gathering the clothes, carrying them to the laundry room. She peeked in Mina’s room to see if there were clothes in their usual spot, and she quickly gathered a pile of clothes to the side of the bed. As Nayeon stood back up, she squinted at the nightstand. There in a familiar black frame, was a picture that hadn’t previously been there. It was from their one-year anniversary trip. Mina was carrying Nayeon on her back, and while Nayeon had seen this picture many times before, this was the first time she noticed the way Mina was looking at her. Her heart sank. She quickly walked back to the laundry room and started a load.
When she returned to the kitchen, Mina had just finished the last pan. The area looked significantly better than when Nayeon had arrived, and she couldn’t help but take pride in that. She put her shoes on and reached out her hand to grab her jacket, but was stopped by another hand grabbing her wrist. She looked over at Mina with a confused look.
“Will you... will you stay, please?” Mina looked up at Nayeon with her big brown eyes. Nayeon had never once successfully said no, and she wasn’t sure if today would be that day. She hesitated, trying to figure out what she could say since she didn’t actually have any plans to get to.
“I know you have somewhere to be but it would really mean a lot if you stayed. No one knows me like you, Nayeon. And I really appreciate everything you do for me, I really do. I just. I really need you right now, please don’t leave,” Mina said shakily.
Nayeon looked at the broken girl in front of her. This wasn’t the first time she had seen her like this, but she had never asked her to stay before. She felt a tug on her heartstrings akin to cracks in a dam.
“Where else would I go?” Nayeon asked as she removed her shoes and walked back with Mina to the couch, eyes not missing the small smile of relief on Mina’s face.
And there it was again, the gentle thrumming of Nayeon’s heart, as if a rusty machine were starting up after a significant amount of time. As the familiar feeling settled back into her body, her mind began to recognize the clues that had been left for her by none other than Mina herself. She looked over at Mina as she made herself comfortable on the couch, only to see two eyes staring back at her with a soft smile. Mina came and sat right next to her, pulling the blanket over them as she had done so many times before, leaning her head on Nayeon’s shoulder. That’s the funny thing about a machine, it never really forgets how it works.