Work Text:
She has loved him from a distance for a long time. His goodness, his warmth, his sheer single-mindedness in his love for the people he cares about.. she has loved everything about him- from a distance. She has held her love inside her soul like a treasure, painstakingly hidden from everyone, so much that at times it felt like she was trying to hide it even from herself… She always knew he was too good for her. She always knew nothing was too good for him. Her heart knew the futility of this dream… he was the moon up in the sky, she was just a flower growing on earth- gazing up at him- enraptured, captivated.
But as much as she could not imagine herself with anyone else, she never dared to imagine herself with him either. He was her wildest dream, her deepest desire, her saddest impossibility. He carried the weight of the universe on his shoulders. He was the God of war! It always made her smile. God of war- who fought for peace. Sometimes she wondered who was it who had bestowed that title on him. And did they even know him, understand him at all? Mo Yuan shangshen lives on a distant, cold mountain, away from all eyes. Not because he thinks of himself as superior to everyone else, but for the simple reason that his mountain is peaceful. Peaceful in a way no other place could be. Qingqiu is beautiful, she loves her home- fiercely. It is bright, it is happy, sure it has its moments of peaceful tranquillity, but Feng Hua is not blinded by her love for her home. She also knows that Qingqiu is….noisy, boisterous. Kunlun-shan is peaceful. And perhaps after the millennia he had spent in waging and winning wars, killing, decimating, heaven knows how many complete clans- just so he could ensure peace and justice for the remaining ones- perhaps the man deserves his peace. Feng Hua smiled. Yes, he does, he deserves it and so much more. If only she knew of a way to give it all to him. If only…
The part about loving was the easy one. It was pretending not to be in love that was hard. Some days it was easy, especially if her little cousin Xi-xi was with her. She would barely get any time to look up, forget about anything else. Xi-xi was a dragon to the core, loud, ferocious. Feng Hua loved her to pieces!!! Other days it was hard. Especially when she had to comfort xiao-Jiu and her broken heart. At such times she felt like she wanted to scream - that she was also hurting- she also yearned for comforting. She also wanted to put her head in someone’s lap and cry her heart out. She also wanted someone to tell her that it will be alright. That someday it will stop hurting so much…. but she could not. Hadn’t she chosen this herself? There were so many ways to be in love, each one more painful than the last.
And then there were some days when it was impossible. Those were the days spent in his proximity. The strategic importance of Qingqiu as an ally frequently brought the major leaders together. And her growing reputation as a weapon master had started earning her regular attendance at many of such gatherings. Which meant that they were sitting in the same room- which was manageable; or that he was saying something and she was listening to him- which required a conscious effort on her part to school her expressions, but it was still manageable; or that she was saying something and he was listening to her- which meant that he was looking at her with that unwavering gaze of his, and that was just-impossible.
Feng Hua had seen Mo Yuan shangshen whenever he was around gugu. His demeanour was always perfect, always above reproach, but there had been times when he had thought that no one would notice. There had been times when he had let his heart peek out of his eyes. And every time Feng Hua had noticed, because that’s all that she could do- watch him-from a distance. And every time her heart had broken. Not because she saw no hope for herself, no… her heart broke for him, how wistful, resigned, lonely he looked at those times. Mo Yuan the God of war, master of Kunlun-shan, who had never lost a single battle in all the millennia, had lost the battle of heart over and over again. If only she could give him his heart’s desire, if only she could make him smile, if only…
Perhaps someday he would be able to love someone else, but that someone would not be her, could not be her, she knew that. Shao Wan, Bai Qian… Bai Feng Hua just doesn’t belong with those fierce, proud warriors. She knew that, she accepted that. Yet, by some miracle, now that she found herself engaged to him, why does it feel like her heart is going to crumble, to crash- as it threatens to tear out of her ribcage, bursting open with all the pain and yearning of all the years past? Why does it feel like it has become difficult to breathe… why does it feel like she wants to die...