Work Text:
Monte Carlo Simulation. A model used to predict the probability of a variety of outcomes when the potential for random variables is present.
Vee sees Caloy immediately after getting down from the tricycle. He’s talking to three other neighbors two houses from theirs.
It is only a few minutes past seven and their street is busy and alive especially during early summer evenings like this. Few kids are loitering around with the streetlights flickering above them. Vee feels sticky with the humidity, dust, and dirt from his all-day commute.
Historical data of their lifelong interactions supports the hypothesis that Caloy will, at most, nod at him but would generally ignore him. Which suits Vee just fine. He isn’t in the mood.
But seems like his cousin has other plans. Caloy breaks away from the group the moment he has spotted Vee.
A deviation from the norm. But nothing worth noting.
“May bisita ka.” He says as he jogs to meet Vee halfway. Vee frowns.
“Halos dalawang oras na ata yun dun.” He adds, and his face is void of anything. Vee knows Caloy. He’s not saying something important.
“Sino?”
Caloy shrugs and goes back to his friends, leaving Vee confused. He’d be annoyed if he isn’t too exhausted.
Vee grabs his phone from his sling bag and discovers it to be turned off, the battery probably empty.
Visitor? Vee’s friends aren’t the type to just drop by unannounced. And if it’s Gina and the others, Caloy wouldn’t act like that. He didn’t make a lot of friends in college either and it’s been at least a year since he last saw anyone from that phase of his life.
Another anomaly. Vee can feel the start of a headache. These past few months have been nothing but a series of oddities in his normally uneventful life. Vee has a decent enough emotional quotient to process such surprises but he’s frankly nearing his limit.
The only people he’s been interacting with in the past couple of months are the gaming guys, particularly the ML ones. But none of them would have any reason to see Vee at home. Sure, Vee plays with them, and they win together and share a boot camp but that’s about it.
He opens their gate as quietly as he could, going through the mental Rolodex of people who could possibly know his address in his head when he sees it: a familiar Adidas pair of shoes by the door.
All thoughts disappeared in an instant. Vee feels the air sucked out of his lungs, and his fingers start to feel numb. There’s an interesting mix of dread and excitement that Vee refuses to name and acknowledge.
Vee isn’t exactly sure if he’s glad or terrified when his suspicion is proven right when he opens their front door and sees Wise sitting on the tattered sofa in their living room.
Wise stands up the moment he sees Vee and for an awkward second, they are just staring at each other.
Vee’s mind booted up and started running calculations and scenarios.
Wise is wearing a faded blue jeans that Vee has only seen him thrice in the past six months, and a white button-down shirt Vee has never seen before. His hair is also made up.
Vee is about to open his mouth when his grandmother peeks from the kitchen.
“ ‘Nok. Anjan ka na pala.” His grandmother says carefully, eyeing the both of them. “Empty batt ka naman ba? Mahigit isang oras na tong si – ano ulit pangalan mo, Iho?”
“Ah, Dj na lang po, Lola. Wise po tawag sakin ni uh, ni Vee dahil po sa nilalaro namin na uh, games pero DJ po totoo kong pangalan. ” Wise says, smiling and dipping his head politely. And Vee wants the ground to swallow him at this very second.
Vee’s grandmother nods, slowly. Vee can imagine the gears are turning inside her mind. “Oh ayan,” She starts, her voice laced with a familiar lift when she is humoring her grandchildren. “Mahigit isang oras na yang si DJ dito.”
Vee is still trying to find his voice when Wise speaks up, “Ah okay lang po.” He says, raising his palms up. “Sorry, nag message ako tsaka tumatawag ako pero empty batt ka nga siguro.” Wise says, his voice softer while looking at Vee.
Vee is nodding, trying to make sense of what is happening. Wise, who looks like he walked out of a Star Magic catalog, is in his living room, …apologizing? Is this hunger? Is this a hallucination? This isn’t in his list of sample simulations.
His grandmother looks at them curiously before clearing her throat. “Oh, siya sige. Tawagin ko kayo pag luto na yung sinaing tsaka yung chop suey. May dala tong si DJ na Andok’s, mga prutas tsaka donut.”
Vee’s not sure what kind of facial expression he’s making right now but he can see his grandmother trying her best to keep a straight face too.
“Ay hindi na po, may sasabihin lang po ako kay Vee tapos aalis na po rin po ako.” Wise replies quickly and Vee can hear a slight panic in his voice. He’d feel bad but again Vee might be experiencing a mild stroke at the moment.
His grandmother raises her eyebrows at Wise before looking at Vee. “Kakain yan dito ah.” She says as decisively as someone wearing an outrageous orange duster could and Vee instinctively nods in obedience. “Sige na umakyat na muna kayo. Tawagin ko na lang kayo.” She says before going back to the kitchen, leaving Vee and Wise alone in the living room again.
“Sorry, biglaan.” Wise is rubbing his neck and he sounds genuinely embarrassed. Vee is not sure why. If anything it’s Vee who needs to disappear at this very moment.
“Sa kwarto na lang tayo.” Vee finds himself saying in a daze. “Maya-maya kasi darating na yung mga tito at pinsan ko. Masikip dito sa baba.” Vee says on autopilot and starts walking towards the stairs.
When he notices that Wise isn’t moving, Vee looks back at him. “Wise, tara.”
Wise looks unsure. “Sorry, baka naka-abala ako. Gusto lang talaga kita makita. Aalis na ako.”
“Wais.” Vee wouldn’t admit even at gunpoint that he whines but it is close to that. Vee is still processing what is happening and he knows he has a lot of things he wants to say too but his grandmother can probably hear them, and Caloy and his other cousins will be home in a few minutes. Vee will not survive if any of them sees him and Wise in this state. They’re no idiots. They’ll know what’s happening.
“Sa taas na lang tayo mag-usap.” Vee says. “Please.”
Perhaps there is something in his tone and facial expression because he sees how Wise’s resolve breaks and wordlessly follows him upstairs and down the short corridor to his room.
It’s small and messy and old but at least the mattress on the floor is made up and all his dirty clothes are in the hamper. He occasionally shares this room with his sister when they are here but for now, it’s just his things scattered all over the room.
“Pasensya na. Makalat tsaka maliit lang yung kwarto ko.” Vee says as he tries to tidy up the room, picking some trinkets here and there, and throwing some clothes in the cabinet. All the while, Wise is standing by the door. With his height, he looks absolutely out of place. “Dun ka na lang sa gaming chair umupo.”
Vee only has a thin, pathetic mattress on the floor, pushed against the wall. There’s an old cabinet and dresser that have seen better days. The only thing in his room that looks decent is his PC setup.
“Dito na lang ako sa floor.” Vee sits down on the mattress, his legs crossed.
Wise, of course, follows him and sits next to him. “Syempre dito rin ako.”
Vee bites his lips, trying to sort out his thoughts. He sneaks a look at Wise and he finds him staring at his bare feet against the wood vinyl floor.
“Paano mo nalaman address ko?” Vee finally breaks the silence. He hopes he doesn’t sound like he’s shaking.
“Tinanong ko kila Ate Lyn. Alam ko may file sila dahil nag fill out tayo nung paper works nung kinuha nila tayo sa Dream High dati.”
“Anong sinabi mong dahilan bakit mo kelangan malaman address ko?”
Wise shrugs. “Wala. Di naman sila nag-tanong. Baka inassume nila kelangan ko for a tournament registration.”
Vee would probably need to talk to the Dream High staff about data privacy but that’s not really the point right now.
“Bakit andito ka, Wise?” Vee pauses. “Or DJ? Yun ba dapat tawag ko sayo?”
Wise let out a small, soft laugh and Vee’s face suddenly feels warm.
“Kahit ano. Wise or DJ. Kung saan ka mas comfortable.”
DJ has a nice ring to it… but no. Vee can’t use that.
“Pero ano, wala eh. Two days ka ng hindi umuuwing BC.” Wise bends his knees and rests his forehead on them. He is quiet for a moment like he’s gathering his strength. He looks small. This is torture. This entire ordeal is a test of Vee’s sanity.
Vee can be honest and admit that in the thousands of scenarios he has come up with ever since meeting Wise, he had probably thought of a couple of delusional reasons why would Wise be in his Vee’s room. But not once did Vee think that Wise will ever look small and unsure while sitting on his mattress. Over the past few months since meeting him, Wise has steadily become a source of strength and inspiration for Vee. Seeing him like this is like an unforgivable sin.
After what seems like an eternity, Wise finally straightens up again and looks Vee in the eye.
“Halos di ka nag rereply sa GC natin. Di mo rin ako sinasagot sa messenger. Akala kung napano ka na, tapos kanina biglang nakita ko naka-tag ka sa isang LoL competition dito sa Antipolo.” Wise bits his lips before continuing.
“Di ko alam kung nag compete ka pero may kasama kang ibang group.” He pauses, and he breathes out. Vee can see he’s trying to filter his words. “Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero parang nag autopilot yung katawan ko.” He gives Vee a small, bittersweet smile that Vee is learning is his weakness.
“Nag-paalam na ako kila Greed na pass ako sa practice ngayong hapon tapos ayun na. Tinanong ko na kila Ate Lyn address mo.” Wise continues.
“Buti alam mo yung sasakyan pa-Antipolo.” Vee says, uselessly.
Wise laughs, stretching his arms above his head. “Mejo nawala nga ako pero okay lang. Nag tanong tanong lang din talaga ako. Nahiya nga ako kasi antagal ko sa gate niyo kasi parang nahimasmasan na ako nung nakatayo na ako dun. Para akong tanga. Andami ko pang dalang food. Buti may lumabas kang pinsan kaya ayun, napapasok ako.”
Vee can’t deal with this. He drags his eyes away from Wise and decides he will stare at his feet for the rest of his life. That wouldn’t be too long. He’ll probably die at any point during this conversation.
What a strange day. All he wanted was a few days of break to sort his feelings and probably figure out what to do. Since leaving their boot camp, he has already shortlisted his possible actions to three. But he guesses the universe isn’t feeling particularly charitable to him. No, Vee supposes he has to deal with this now, in his tiny rundown room, with his entire extended family probably gossiping about his mysterious visitor downstairs.
“Biglaan lang yung LoL competition. May nag yaya lang. Sumama lang ako pero di naman ako lumaban.”
“Sino sila?” Wise asks, his voice strangely quiet. “Yung isa parang antagal niyo na magkakilala. Andami niyong tagged na pictures.”
Vee frowns. “Sino? Si Jericho?”
Wise doesn’t answer. He’s looking at his fingers.
“Sakto lang. Matagal ko na kasamahan sa LoL before. Bakit?”
Vee is surprised when Wise suddenly exhales loudly and buries his face in his hands.
“Vee, nababaliw na ako. Alam mo ba yun?”
“Wise – ”
“Grabe, Vee, sorry. Tinatry ko talaga maging kalmdado. Or kunwari di ako affected pero,” He pauses, shaking his head. Vee, for a split second of sheer insanity, wants to touch him.
“Biglang pag gising ko wala ka na sa BC, tapos di ka nag rereply or sumasagot sa tawag ko tapos makikita ko may kasama kang iba. Alam ko naman wala sa lugar tong nararamdaman ko pero,” Wise shuts his eyes again. “Putangina. Para talaga akong nababaliw.”
Vee isn’t strong. Not even the slightest. Time and time again, Vee finds himself trying to survive in such unhospitable circumstances. Sometimes, it’s a product of his decisions. Sometimes, the universe simply hates him.
Right now, he isn’t entirely sure. But Vee can’t help but feel absolutely wrecked seeing Wise so defeated. He’s too soft for this boy. Vee shouldn’t but he is.
“Nung pagka-gising ko nag-panic ako.” Vee feels like he’s dying with every word he utters. If Vee has any say in the matter, he’d rather forget about the whole thing. Either pack up his things from their BC and just try to apply to Japan again or just pretend it never happened. The dream of going pro in Mobile Legends was wonderful and enticing while it lasted. But Vee’s gameplay is too different. He is too old. And possibly too gay to even try to enter the pro scene. Vee has options and backup plans. He has done the simulations in his head. He can make it work. He can make out of this entire ordeal with both his heart and pride intact.
But Wise has done the first step. This beautiful, smart, kind boy has done the unimaginable. He has outdone Vee’s careful formulation of what-ifs. Wise doesn’t care about his pride or heart getting broken. As much as it kills Vee to be this vulnerable, he knows it’s only fair. Wise deserves honesty – or whatever level of honesty Vee can muster right now.
“Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. Parang need ko lang ng ilang araw na mag isip-isip kung anong gagawin ko.”
“Gagawin saan? Bakit?”
“Wise, hindi ko alam kung anong intention mo or kung anong iniisip mo. Pero sana maintindihan mo na, ang awkward saken nito. Kung sayo, wala lang yun, sakin hindi.” Whatever filter Vee has two minutes ago, it’s all gone now.
“Anong pinagsasabi mo? Anong wala lang sa akin?”
“Wise naman.” Vee is no idiot. Vee has been in a similar situation before. As much as he wants to project himself to be not bothered, the truth is, he is. He can’t fool himself into thinking that he will not be hurt. Because as early as now, Vee knows that whatever is happening between him and Wise, it will be different. “Ano ba to? Niloloko mo ba ako? Wag mo naman to gawin sakin.” Vee hears himself, and he wants to hide. He knows how he sounds with his voice breaking.
“Vee? Ano ba yang sinasabi mo? Dahil ba dun sa nakatulog tayo na magka-yakap?”
Vee doesn’t respond but his hands are shaking. He shuts his eyes, trying to ignore the flashes of images of that night in his mind.
“Vee, ang tali-talino mo sa LoL tsaka sa ML pero bakit ang bobo mo?”
Vee is going through several stages of crisis here and running through several simulations of what-ifs and the singular cause of it all has the audacity to call him dumb. He’d punch Wise right in the mouth if he isn’t feeling nauseous.
“Manhid ka ba?” Wise continues and Vee can hear the desperation in his tone.
“Ano ba, Wise. Straight ka.” Every cell in his body wants him to yell and cry out of frustration but he can’t. He knows that his family is downstairs. While it might be amusing for them to find out that there’s a tall, good-looking kid visiting him, it’s not it. Vee’s not going to let this snowball. He’s not going to get hurt. “Ano ba to curious ka lang? Wag mo ko gawing experiment.”
Wise runs his hands through his hair, exasperated. “Vee, makinig ka nga saken. Tangina, hindi ko rin alam okay. Pero walang experiment, walang curiousity. Wala. Ang alam ko lang dalawang buwan na kitang gustong halikan and halos mabaliw na ako sa selos kanina nung inistalk ko yung profile nung kasama mo.”
And then it all stops.
Vee’s mind is blank. In the thousands – no, millions of scenarios, Vee has come up with ever since meeting Wise, not once did this… confession comes to mind.
“Hindi ko alam kung ano ibig sabihin nito pero at this point, Vee, sa tingin ko hindi rin ako straight.” Wise’s voice is getting louder. “And wala akong paki-alam. Ang alam ko lang sobrang saya ko na nakatulog tayo na magkatabi at yumakap ka sakin. Vee, yun lang wala ng iba.”
How can Vee be sure that isn’t a hallucination? Was the fume from the jeep that bad?
“Vee, gustong gusto kita. Nababaliw na ako dito. Panindingan mo naman tong nararamdaman ko para sayo.”
“Wise, tangina mo.” Vee curses but he knows his voice is soft. His motherfucking heart is on his motherfucking sleeves.
“Namura pa ako. Puchang buhay to.” Wise cries. “Ano, okay na ba? Okay na ba yung pag amin ko sayo? Pwede bang wag mo na ako i-ghost?”
“Anong igho-ghost? Ghinoghost lang kung may something. Wala naman tayong something.” Slowly, Vee is starting to feel his hands again. After a long time, Vee lets himself smile and believe that this is something real and something he deserves.
“Talaga, Vee? Talaga? Wala kang gusto sakin?”
Vee shakes his head, biting his lips.
“Kahit crush?”
Vee shakes his head again.
“Tangina mo, Vee.” Wise laughs with his entire body. “Di ako naniniwala. Alam kong poging-pogi ka sa akin.” Wise argues, his eyebrows raised, and Vee is fucked. He’s done for.
Before Vee realized it, he is already into this boy too deeply than he would willingly admit. This is surreal. Vee should be terrified. He should be running away. All the data from previous experiences, all the gathered qualitative information, and all of the thousands of simulations he has run in his head during the dead of the night when he simply cannot sleep point to one thing: heartbreak.
But with Wise smiling at him, with the full force of his charms, all Vee can do is cling to that .01% probability that it will not.
“Hindi ah. Ang payat mo kaya di kita type.”
Wise suddenly stands up and slaps his knees so loud that Vee jumps back a bit. “Ah ganun? Ganyan ka ah. Pakipot ka?” He bends a bit and moves his face closer to Vee’s.
Vee slaps him away. “Hindi ako pakipot ah.”
“Ah sige, Johnmar Villaluna. Gets ko na. Fine.” Wise declares as he stands tall in the middle of Vee’s small room.
Slowly, Vee stands up as well and dares to move a bit closer to Wise. They shared a quiet moment, staring at each other. Vee, with all the awe and wonder of the person who just realized they are possibly, irrevocably in love, maps out the details of Wise’s face from the scar on his forehead to the faint acne marks, to the way his nostrils expand with every breath, to how his lips are moving to say:
“Vee, liligawan kita.”
Vee tries his best to not react but every cell in his body made him instinctively cover his smile behind his hand.
“Nagsasabi ka or nagpapa-alam ka?”
“Wala ka ng choice.” Wise wags his finger at Vee. “Nag simula na ako. Di mo ba narinig yung sinabi ng lola mo? Lechong manok, prutas, donuts? Walang kaibigan na gumawa niyan. Galawang ligaw yan.” Wise says arrogantly, stressing every word.
“Wala ka ng choice, Johnmar Villaluna. Nililigawan ka na ni Danerie James del Rosario.”
“Oh, bakit parang galit ka?” Vee teases. “Wag na lang pala.”
“Vee, Vee, Vee.” Wise repeats in increasing desperation that is absolutely endearing. “Parang awa mo na. Alam naman natin na sa altar din ang ending nito.”
With that, Vee lets out a laugh. “Oh wow. Ang yabang. Pota. I-basted kaya kita.”
“As if naman kaya mo i-basted tong mukha na to.”
Vee’s about to reply when his phone vibrates with a message:
Caloy 7:36pm : kain n dw
Caloy 7:36pm : bb na dw kayo ng awoj m sabi ni la
Vee doesn’t bother replying.
“Oh, nanliligaw ka na di ba? Oh harapin mo pamilya ko. Baba na daw. Kakain na.”
“Ah puta.” Wise curses, his eyes wide, hands on his face. “Shet.”
“Malakas silang mang-asar. Mag ready ka na.” Vee graciously warns. See? He can be nice.
“Shet.” Wise repeats but Vee just ignores him, puts his palms on his back, and starts pushing him out of the room.
“Pero sige, kaya yan.” Wise suddenly snaps out of it, flexing his arms like a madman. “Maliit na bagay. Magugustuhan ako ng pamilya mo. Sasagutin mo ko tapos, shet,” Wise turns his head, smiling widely like a lunatic, to look at Vee while they’re walking out of the room. “Grabe, magkakajowa ako tapos magiging pro player na din ako. Grabe swerte naman nun.”
Vee has to stop and blink at that. “Tayo.” He finds himself saying. “Magiging pro tayo.”
Wise sweeps to go closer to him and raises his hand to touch Vee’s face but he hesitates for a second, like he’s asking permission. Vee nods at him, his made hazy.
Wise gently touches Vee’s face. “Oo. Magiging pro tayo, Vee. Maniwala ka.”
Vee isn’t the type to just believe anything at face value. Vee would need to run some scenarios to fully understand the possibilities to set his expectations and plan properly.
But for once in his life, with Wise looking at him like he can and is willing to do anything for them, Vee can’t help but trust him entirely.
“Magiging pro tayo.” Vee repeats, finally smiling back at him.
“At,” Wise starts, teasing. “Magiging mag jowa tayo.”
Vee rolls his eyes at him before pushing him out the door again. “Makapasok muna tayo sa MPL, tsaka natin yan pag usapan.”
He knows that if it comes to that when they become… whatever they will be, there will only be two possible outcomes. If they don’t implode in a week’s time after being together then there is a high chance that they are going to be… endgame. He knows himself that much and as early as now, he knows Wise that much as well.
Wise is already walking ahead of him rambling about something with Vee barely listening. He is trying to temper down his stomach again. There’s an odd twist in his gut that’s making him nauseous. But Vee supposes all is good.
Him and Wise, they’ll make it work. Vee and Wise will make it work together. Vee and Wise. Vee and W –
VeeWise.
Huh.
Vee smiles as he closes the door behind him. Not bad. Their names actually sound great together.
END