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I don’t believe in love. Did it really exist, or was it just something sold to them all in movies and adverts, a social control to pair people off neatly? Even if it did exist, Aleksi was sure it wasn’t for people like him. People like him were insular, introverted. They didn’t need other people, and they liked it that way. They were alone, he was alone, and that was okay. Love wasn’t something he’d have ever chosen, and quite frankly the thought of being alone forever seemed like a relief compared to the misery he’d seen in so many relationships around him.
And yet the heart was a wild beast, and it yearned for what it shouldn’t have. Aleksi couldn’t stop it, and it felt like this would be the death of him. The clock was ticking down, and nothing could stop it. He’d accelerated it, and for what?
Why had he told Joel? What fit of madness had possessed him? Joel wouldn’t love him back, never would, so why had he doomed himself in such a way? And why would he dump that on Joel? He’d have been better off not knowing, and Aleksi would have been better off not telling. There were either options, after all, even if permanent healing was impossible by now. He’d manage, and he could just live with the regret for the rest of his life.
After confessing, he’d grabbed his backpack and the leaflet and fled as fast as he could. Flowers had choked him, leaving him hacking out petals as he stumbled out of the practice room, but that couldn’t be helped. Blurred by his tears, they left trails of fire on the ground, and he closed his eyes, feeling tears burn down his cheeks. Joel was calling after him, panicked, but Aleksi couldn’t face him. His insane courage was utterly gone, and he had to get away. Maybe if he got home in one piece he’d be okay. His apartment was his safe haven away from everything, a little private eden. Surely he could be okay?
Except running home wouldn’t solve anything. He’d still be sick, and waiting on Joel’s rejection.
Aleksi nearly fell down the stairs in his haste to get away. Distantly he could hear a door open, Joel calling after him, but that only spurred him onwards. He swiped a sleeve across his eyes, clearing his vision for a few seconds, and ran on, finally making it outside.
The cool evening air soothed his burning skin. He breathed in hard through his mouth, letting its cool fingers kiss his raw throat whilst he tried to stop the all-consuming terror and choking petals.
I don’t want to die, but it was more than that.
I don’t want to be in love. Love was too much, it was too uncertain. He’d had what felt like a lifetime of relying on no one but himself, and no one should be able to take that away from him. Love would be his ruin, and he’d always been happier without it. Better off, able to focus and thrive.
His pocket buzzed. It had to be Joel, but Aleksi wasn’t going to face him. He unlocked his car and threw himself into the driver’s seat, tugging his phone free to shove it in his backpack before he dumped it on the passenger seat. Flowers choked up his throat, and he leant out of the open door to hack them up. They filled his mouth, and for several too-long moments he couldn’t get them out fast enough, but then he was coughing up nothing but spit, leaving them on the asphalt. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve and slammed the door shut, buckling his seatbelt. The sound of his phone still buzzing sounded like an angry insect, an incessant droning noise, and Aleksi slammed his hands down on the steering wheel, fiery anger burning. “Fuck!” he barked, then turned the radio up loud so he didn’t have to hear it.
Then he started the engine.
He wasn’t quite sure how he managed to get home. He parked up with shaking hands and scrambled out of his car, barely remembering to grab his backpack before shutting and locking his car to make his way to his apartment.
Rilla’s evening walk was harrowingly nerve-wracking, fears of Joel popping out from behind every shadow or corner leaving him jumping at every little sound. Aleksi retched flowers into the bins he passed, thankful that the late hour and the twilight kept his face shrouded from other passers-by. They’d see nothing but a drunkard walking his dog, and that was fine. He was fine. He didn’t need anyone poking their nose into his business.
He had to do something. Joel was going to reject him, as regretfully as he was able to, but Aleksi wasn’t going to sit around waiting to die. He had to take action. He could try to save himself. He’d be fine.
Nothing could be done tonight, but in the morning he messaged the band groupchat, telling them he’d come down with something overnight and that he needed a couple days off. Niko and Joonas offered to come visit him, and he turned them down, queasily staring at their messages. Tommi and Olli told him to rest and get well soon, and Joel DM’d him.
Aleksi ignored that message and coughed hard. Chrysanthemums and irises came up into his puke bowl.
Next he called up the specialist he’d been referred to. Their receptionist picked it up, and he asked to be patched through to the doctor he’d been directed to, or if he could make an appointment. “It’s for a surgery,” he rasped out.
“He has a vacancy this afternoon, at three. Would that be alright?” the receptionist asked.
Aleksi nodded, then remembered she couldn’t see him. “Yeah, that would be fine,” he got out.
Once he hung up he started crying.
He had a chance now. He could live, and Joel could live unburdened, no longer having to feel guilty over rejecting him. Aleksi should have just said nothing to him and done this in the first place, but now everything would be okay.
What would it even be like without all the flowers within him? It had been a long time since he’d last breathed freely and easily. He could barely remember it, only half-remembered dreams offering up any semblance of familiarity. He’d only had the flowers for a few years, but it felt like a lifetime, and the relief he’d feel after the surgery seemed beyond the pale.
Aleksi cried until he had no more tears. Regret and relief and frustration ran their courses through him, rinsing and wringing him out until he felt scrubbed clean. Flowers prickled, and he coughed them up without a thought, setting the bowl aside and letting Rilla cuddle up with him. She licked at his face, and he laughed, holding her close and burying his face in her fur. “I’ll be alright,” he murmured into her. “I’ll be alright.”
Saying it aloud made it feel more real. He would be alright. He’d live, and Joel would be free. Everything was going to be alright.
An hour before his appointment, the doorbell rang, and Rilla barked.
Aleksi raised his head, swiping a hand through his hair. Who was it? He wasn’t expecting company, and he’d told the others not to come over. He was supposed to be alone today, with just Rilla and his cleared conscience until he saw the specialist.
The doorbell rang again, and this time Rilla got up to trot around and bark. Sighing, Aleksi sat up and stretched, standing. He padded over to the door, reaching out for the chain lock. He slid it back, it’s slide a horribly scratchy metallic sound, then turned the lock. It clicked, the sound so very final, and he opened the door.
Joel’s lanky form immediately took a step forwards. “What the fuck is going on?” he asked, eyebrows knitted into a frown. “Yesterday you were so worried, then you just ran off, and ignored all my calls and texts. I’ve never seen you this terrified, and then you just go totally AWOL! You left all those flowers everywhere, but you just fucking ran after confessing to me? And then ignored me this morning? What the hell is going on, Aleksi?”
Shame swarmed Aleksi in a great rush. “I shouldn’t have put that information on you. I’m sorry. I was just dealing with it for so long, and I wasn’t thinking. Just- I- It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I’ll sort it.” He sighed, massaging his forehead. “I- Do you want to come in?”
Joel took another step forwards without another word. Aleksi stepped to the side, coughing, and swallowed down the flowers. He shut the door behind Joel and trotted to the kitchen, going to pour Joel a glass of water on autopilot.
“Well?” Joel asked, once the silence dragged out. Rilla was bouncing around his legs when Aleksi turned back to face him, and the sight of him crouching to pet her hurt.
This is what you could have had, if only you deserved it, that horrible inner voice sneered.
For a second, he let himself imagine it. He imagined coming home from the grocery story to find them together, Rilla showing Joel all the love her little body could, Joel giggling endearing as she licked his face.
Tears threatened, then, and Aleksi turned away to pour water. “Look, I shouldn’t have worried you so much. I shouldn’t have said anything. I was having a bad day, and I got stuck inside my own head for a while. I shouldn’t have made it any of your business.”
“You’re coughing up flowers because of me! That should make it my business!” Joel straightened up, accepting the glass Aleksi handed him. He set it aside immediately. Aleksi swallowed.
“Well, it’s fine. I’m going to see a specialist this afternoon. Gotta leave in half an hour, actually,” he said, checking the time.
“A specialist?” Joel repeated. His voice sounded thin, and looking at him Aleksi saw something strangely close to horror on his face.
He coughed hard, turning to spit the flowers in the sink. “Look, it was cruel of me to dump this shit on you without warning. I shouldn’t have made it your problem, but I’m gonna deal with it.”
Joel was slowly going pale, standing totally still. “Without me,” he mumbled, and Aleksi had no idea why he was so appalled.
“Yeah. It’ll be fine,” he said, slowly moving to take Joel’s hands in his. “You don’t have to worry.”
Joel snatched his hands away and drew back, lower lip wobbling. His eyes looked glassy now, betrayed, and Aleksi just couldn’t understand it. “So you didn’t bother reading what I messaged you? Right.” He gave a mirthless laugh, looking away.
He hadn’t quite blinked back the tears in time.
What the fuck is his deal? Unless Joel wanted to reject him, but that wasn’t like Joel at all. Joel was moody and ill-tempered at times, yes, but he was sweet and gentle too. He wasn’t cruel, or at least Aleksi hadn’t ever thought of him as such.
“Should have fucking known,” Joel mumbled, entirely to himself. “It’s always too good to be true.”
Now Aleksi really had no idea what he was on about. “Too good for what? Joel, I put you in a place I shouldn’t have done. I should have just sucked it up and had the surgery months ago. You don’t believe in love, and I certainly don’t.” Joel reeled at that, and Aleksi had never seen him so upset, but he carried on, hoping to make him understand. “And I put you on the spot! That’s why I ran! If I’d stayed you'd have had to either lie to me or reject me! What’s got into you?”
“You’re going to let them cut it all out of you without even knowing what I had to say!” Joel burst back, voice strong with anger. “How can you be such a fucking coward? And how can you think so poorly of me! Why the fuck would I say anything if I was going to reject you? You’re one of my best friends! Do you really think that poorly of me?”
“You told me you don’t believe in love!” Aleksi burst back. The force of his yell had him crouch over himself to cough hard, vision blurring. “How many times have you said that to me? What other option am I meant to come to?!” he finished.
This time the coughs brought him to his knees. Lilies of the Valley and alstroemerias and marigolds choked him, so many his vision began to dim, tears hot on his cheeks like this was it. He let the flora spew onto the floor, heaving in great gasping breaths once he’d done. Joel thumped his back until he gave him a weak thumbs up, then started rubbing his back soothingly.
“I don’t fucking want this, Joel,” Aleksi said, wiping his face on his sleeve. He sat, and Joel sat next to him. He laid his head on Joel’s shoulder, even though he should probably just let Joel leave so he could shower and go to his appointment. “I want to get better.”
Joel sniffled in response. “At least one of us can cut our feelings out,” he said.
Aleksi didn’t realise what he’d meant until the door shut behind him.