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ONEW
Kibum won't look him in the eye.
Jinki doesn't realise this until their dance instructor gets irritated during their duet. Jinki is so focused on getting the moves right that he fails to notice that Kibum's gaze is far away.
"Sort yourself out, Kibum-ah." The instructor snaps. Kibum stiffens. He isn't often criticised for his choreography. "At least try to look like you're having fun."
After that, Jinki pays more attention to Kibum. It's his job as a leader to sort through any issues the members have. While he can't fix anything during practice, at the very least Jinki can keep an eye on Kibum until they can actually talk about it.
And of course, the instructor is right. Kibum's movements aren't as sharp as usual. There's usually chemistry between the two of them, a sort of light humour that the fans love, but no matter how much Jinki tries to channel it, Kibum won't bite.
"Kibummie." Jinki says, when Kibum pauses to take a swig of water. "Are you okay?"
"Fine." Kibum says. He sends Jinki a distant smile. Kibum has always managed to put emotions aside for the sake of his job. It's odd that something could be affecting his dancing so much.
"Should we take a break?" Jinki asks.
"Why?" Kibum says. But his smile falters. "Let's just get this over with."
Jinki bites his lip. They continue, until the instructor flicks the switch on the speaker and the training room falls into silence.
"This isn't working." She says. "Let's try again tomorrow. Kibum, can I speak to you for a second?"
While Jinki pulls on his hoodie, he watches the instructor murmur to Kibum. He wonders what could've gotten into Kibum. When Kibum turns away from the instructor, his eyes are hard. Jinki buttons his coat up, waiting for Kibum to be ready too.
They walk out of the room together. Kibum is uncharacteristically quiet.
"Hey." Jinki says. He shoves their shoulders together gently. "It's alright. We all have bad days sometimes."
"Yeah." Kibum says.
"You know that you can talk to me?"
For the first time that day, Kibum meets his eyes. The resentment there takes Jinki aback. It stings.
"Like you talk to me?" Kibum asks sharply. Jinki almost stumbles backwards with the force of his words.
"What do you mean?"
"Forget it." Kibum says. "I'll do better tomorrow."
Kibum quickens his step, leaving Jinki behind. Confused, Jinki tries to think of something he could have done to upset Kibum so much. Nothing comes to mind.
Maybe Kibum is just having a bad day. Jinki shakes it off.
Later that day, Jinki gets a call from his manager.
There have been a few popular fansites spreading rumours of marriage. Apparently, an actress from a popular k-drama (an actress he had, conveniently, worked with around two years ago) had started wearing an engagement ring.
She hadn't said his name, but some sort of timeline had been created by fans that made logical sense. It didn't help that Jinki hadn't been seen in public recently because of the comeback.
Jinki isn't upset. He's been in worse scandals. He sends a quick congratulations to the actress, and tries to ignore it. These sort of things always blow over. The fans will forget about it in a month.
Momentarily, Jinki wonders if the scandal had been the reason Kibum was so upset. He was the sort of person that took honesty seriously. And the group shared everything. No secrets, no lies.
But it's ridiculous. Why would Kibum think for a second that he was getting married? All he had to do was ask.
So, the next morning, Jinki makes an effort to clarify the scandal immediately.
"Morning, Kibummie." He greets warmly. Kibum takes a sip of his coffee, and doesn't respond. "Did you see those articles?"
"They're everywhere." Kibum says bitterly. "Of course I did."
"Why are you so angry? C'mon." Jinki laughs. He waves his left hand in Kibum's face. "Look. No ring."
Kibum pauses. He looks up into Jinki's face, some of his bravado slipping away. He looks doubtful. Finally, Jinki thinks.
"You don't know yet?" Kibum asks. "I thought it was your idea."
Jinki's grin fades a little.
"What do you mean?"
Kibum shakes his head.
"Idiot. Of course it wasn't your idea." Kibum says. "I should've known. You'd never come up with something so tasteless."
"I don't understand."
"It's not my place to say." Kibum says. There's still an angry furrow in his brows. "I suppose they're waiting to tell you. Everything's been decided anyway."
Jinki feels unsettled. Kibum is still furious, but the anger isn't directed towards him.
"What's been decided?"
"You don't even have a say in it, that's what angers me." Kibum bites. "I've spent my entire career fighting against this sort of thing, and they've just- trapped you in it."
"Trapped me in what? "
Kibum shakes his head.
"Sorry, hyung. It's not your fault. I shouldn't have been so angry." Kibum offers him a smile. He looks a little more like himself, though his cheeks are still furiously red. "Truce?"
"Of course." Jinki smiles. But he feels worse than when the conversation started.
Practice passes in a blur. But at least Kibum is speaking to him now. At least they can dance together like they used to.
The puzzle only falls into place when Jinki receives a phone call from the company the next morning.
All they say is that they need to speak to him. Jinki, fearful now, obeys.
The lights in the conference room are bright white, and so are the walls. It feels a little like a prison. Jinki doesn't know yet just how true that is.
When he arrives, Jinki finds his manager, the label representative, and, strangely, the actress he was rumoured to be engaged to.
Son Ae-ri is a talented woman. Jinki was delighted to work alongside her. She's mature, she's kind, and she's the sort of person that you can work with easily. She was, in every moment, a professional. They had got along well, but Jinki had never really thought about her, except for when he was working with her.
It's jarring to see her there, with her own manager. A feeling of complete and utter dread passes over Jinki.
"Come, sit." His manager smiles. Jinki bows to Ae-ri and then sits. "I assume you know why we're here."
"Uh, not really." Jinki lets out a nervous laugh. "Is it related to Ae-ri's marriage? Congratulations, by the way."
Ae-ri smiles and nods. She isn't confused, not like him. There's a calmness to her expression.
"Yes." His manager says. "I won't drag this out any longer, Jinki-ah, I know you must be desparate to know what's going on. Ae-ri's label and ours have come to an agreement."
"...What sort of agreement?" Jinki asks.
"As you know, Ae-ri is engaged to be married." Ae-ri's manager says. "She wishes to keep her partner a secret, for personal reasons. To do so, we need a stand-in to avert her fans eyes."
"A... stand-in?" Jinki asks, growing uneasier by the second.
"That's where you come in." Jinki's manager says. "You are going to be Ae-ri's fiance."
Jinki's mouth goes dry. He swallows.
"I'm sorry?" Jinki says. "Like- a PR relationship?"
"Exactly." Ae-ri's manager says. "It's mutually beneficial."
"But that doesn't make sense." Jinki says. "The fans will be angry. There's no benefit for us."
"Ah, you are stuck in your ways, see." His manager says. "There has been more acceptance in recent years for idols in long-term relationships. A vote last month said that 70% of fans would be happy for their ideal if it was revealed they were married. And let's face it, you're getting older."
Jinki prickles with defensiveness.
"You all are." His manager corrects quickly. "SHINee still have a youthful sort of energy, even now. It won't last for much longer. The competition with rookie groups is enormous. If we want this comeback to sell, we need to make a splash."
Jinki understands now why Kibum was so angry.
"We're rebranding." Jinki's manager says. "You are men now. And that transition begins with you. Sweet, reliable ONEW. The fans have been coming to terms for years with the fact that you are - how to say it - husband material. This won't be a shock to them, not really. Any grievances SHINee world do have are sure to be settled in a year or so. Remember how it happened with other groups?"
Jinki can't really argue with the logic. But is he really comfortable lying like that? All idols are constantly performing, but not to this extent. It feels like a betrayal, not just to the fans but to himself.
" Can I think about it?" Jinki asks.
"You don't really have a choice, I'm afraid. You will have to sign the contract today." His manager pats his hand sympathetically. "I'm sure you understand."
Trapped, Kibum had said.
"The two of you fit well." Ae-ri's manager says. "Your bubbly leader persona will suit her more serious one perfectly. In return, she grounds you."
Jinki shakes his head. He takes a swig of water, trying to calm down.
"So after the contract, what happens?" Jinki says slowly.
"The role won't be very much work." Ae-ri's manager reassures him. "You will announce your engagement publicly. There will be a few public appearances. After that, apart from wearing your ring and taking a few photos every couple of months, you won't have much to do."
Jinki imagines it. Going into public with Ae-ri on his arm. It's a lie he would never in a million years feel comfortable with. But what else can he do?
This is part of an idol's job, after all.
"Is this what you want?" Jinki asks Ae-ri quietly.
"I would appreciate it so much." Ae-ri says. "I don't want my life to be public. I'm sure you understand."
Jinki sighs and nods. It's not her fault.
"...I'm ready to sign." He says. And with that, he signs away his life.
KEY
The public announcement comes that month.
Kibum watches the livestream in a cafe on his phone. The fury he had felt ever since he found out about the stunt from their manager had never really gone away. It burns inside of him.
He takes a sip of coffee and watches. The conference is packed with photographers. Ae-ri comes first, her wedding ring flashing in the flash of the cameras. She is elegant, contained. And Kibum bears no resentment for her, not really. He watches as she takes a seat.
Jinki comes next. His ring finger glints in the light too. He grins at the camera and even Kibum is fooled by it.
Jinki sits beside Ae-ri and takes her hand. The fire in Kibum's chest sparks.
Perhaps the whole thing shouldn't affect him this much. But the idea that SHINee could only be popular or respected with a scandal was just so insulting. No matter which member it had been, Kibum couldn't accept such a tasteless grab at profit.
He had always advocated for truth - for honesty in art. It wasn't Jinki's fault he was trapped in this.
But then Jinki and Ae-ri smile at each other, and Kibum's resentment grows deeper, more personal. He takes a gulp of coffee.
It's a pretence, he reminds himself.
"Good morning." Jinki says warmly into the microphone. There seems to be a glow about him. He's in love, the articles will say. The coffee is bitter on Kibum's tongue. "I apologise for how sudden this announcement was. But we couldn't wait any longer."
Kibum almost laughs.
"As many of you have already suspected," Jinki says. "Ae-ri and I are engaged."
The room erupts with noise. The cameras flash. Jinki waits a moment until it has died down. His smile doesn't look fake. His eyes don't look dead. How long was he coached beforehand? Kibum is almost fooled by his performance.
"I'm delighted to finally tell you." Jinki says. "We're very happy. I'm sure all my fans will understand. Remember, you were all my first love..."
Jinki raises Ae-ri's mouth to his hand, and kisses the back of it.
"But I have now found my final love."
Kibum finds his coffee hard to swallow. He pushes the mug to the side, furious. What sort of line was that? How could it be believed? But there is a fan in the cafe and she's on the edge of her seat, her eyes fixed on the screen, her mouth tilted upwards in a little smile. Kibum, for a moment, despises her.
There will be gifs of that moment on social media. Endless photographs. Love heart emojis and horrible spiels of they're soulmates and I'm so happy for him <3
"I wanted to share my love with you." Jinki says. "Please support us going forward."
"SHINee will be returning next month." Jinki continues. "Until then, I will wait patiently to see all of you."
Jinki stands and bows. Kibum rolls his eyes. The microphone is passed to Ae-ri.
She says her speech too, but Kibum's eyes stay fixed on Jinki. When the cameras aren't focused on him, his persona does slip just a little, but he fixes it quickly.
Beneath Kibum's anger is a deep thread of sadness.
Why was it always their job to pretend?
The next time SHINee meet, the mood is awkward, so Kibum suggests shots of soju.
It's quick to loosen everyone up. Very soon they're back to their old selves again, drinking and laughing about nothing in particular. Jinki drinks more than the rest, and his face is red and his neck is flushed. When he's genuinely happy like that, Kibum can spot the subtle differences between his Jinki and the Jinki on the livestream.
It's only when they're all a little tipsy when the whole thing is brought up.
"Was it your idea, hyung?" Taemin asks. Jonghyun nudges him as if to say, bad question. But it's too late now.
"No." Kibum cuts in for Jinki quickly. Jinki sends him a grateful smile. "Management."
"Your first date is next week, right?" Taemin continues. He never really knows when to stop. "I'd love to go on a date with Ae-ri-shii."
"Just drop it." Kibum says sharply. "Let's admit it. Nobody likes this. Nobody agrees with it. But it's not hyung's fault, so just leave him alone."
"Kibum-ah's right." Minho says. Kibum, surprised by Minho's solidarity, sends him a grin. "Let's just have fun."
"Cheers to that." Jonghyun says, raising his glass.
So they laugh and talk more, about old times or the future. While they're chatting Jinki sidles up to Kibum.
"Thank you, for defending me." He says, slightly slurred. He's warm by Kibum's side. "I know you hate this more than anyone else."
"Don't worry about it." Kibum says. "How are you holding up?"
"It's exhausting trying to look in love all of the time." Jinki says. The words loosen a knot in Kibum's chest, as if he really had been worried that Jinki was in love with her. "Sorry, Kibummie. I know you're mad. I wish I could do something about it."
"It's not your fault." Kibum says gently. He tops up Jinki's drink for him. "It just pisses me off."
"You know the worst part?" Jinki says. "I thought something like this might happen someday. But at least it's happening to me, and not any of you."
Kibum nods. Every day he respects their leader a little more. His eyes flicker away from Jinki, and he spots the glinting wedding ring on the table.
"Can I see?" He asks. Jinki shrugs, so Kibum takes his hand, running his finger over the ring as if claiming it. "Tacky."
Jinki giggles.
Kibum holds Jinki's hand a little longer than is necessary. But the touch is warm and it reassures Kibum, knowing that Jinki is here and not in Ae-ri's arms.
He doesn't examine that thought too closely.
"Kibum-ah." Jinki says, so quiet that it's almost a whisper. "You shouldn't have assumed I'd ever come up with something like this. Not after what I told you."
Kibum drops Jinki's hand. His chest grows ice cold.
It was years ago. But yes, maybe it was the reason that Kibum had been so angry. Maybe Kibum had felt personally betrayed, like he was supposed to lie too.
"I wouldn't lie about that ." Jinki murmurs. "I know how much it would hurt you. I might never tell anyone else, but I'll never lie. Just like you."
Kibum nods.
"I know." He says. "Sorry, hyung."
Jinki offers him a smile.
"I know what we promised back then was impossible." Kibum said. "I just thought... I don't know. Part of me hoped one day we would both tell the truth, like you said."
"Me too." Jinki says. He presses their shoulders together. "But hey. Maybe we still could."
"What, in fifty years?"
Jinki laughs.
"Better than nothing, right?" He says.
For a split second, Kibum considers telling Jinki the entire truth. That this whole scheme was partly his fault. But he doesn't.
7 years ago
When they first began as a group, their branding was made very clear to them.
They were always going to appeal to women. Wasn't that the point of any boy group? In variety shows and interviews every member had that role. Lines they had to say, ways they had to act - the perfect boyfriend, cultivated with time and effort and a script. Every idol knows going into it that there will be some element of seduction involved.
But in the beginning, it doesn't come as naturally. Questions like what is your perfect type? or where would you take a girl on a date? take you off guard. Especially when it's all a lie. Lyrics and dancing are one thing. Your entire persona is another.
After the first interview script was given to them, Jinki found Kibum crying in their shared living room while everyone else was asleep. He can't remember what question it was. The question itself didn't really matter. It was the fact that the answer he was meant to give was a lie.
Kibum wouldn't open up about it at first. He shook his head and turned his face away. But Jinki was sweet and relentless and he pried it out of Kibum eventually.
"It doesn't feel right." Kibum had said, proudly wiping his tears away. "I don't want to, hyung."
"Don't want to what?" Jinki had asked, with no judgement. They'd never really been that close. And even in the years to come they wouldn't be either. But in that moment, Jinki felt like the only person he could trust.
"It's all a lie. It's not me. " Kibum sniffed. He couldn't look Jinki in the eye. "You wouldn't understand."
"Try me." Jinki smiled. He brushed away the tears on Kibum's cheeks with his thumb. "C'mon. Talk to me. I'm here, okay? I'm your leader."
Kibum considered it for a minute. But he couldn't tell his leader, then who could he tell? A secret doesn't sit well in the stomach. It'll churn until it comes out.
"I feel like a liar." Kibum whispers. "I'm gay.”
There was silence for a while. Jinki tilts his head and opens his mouth to say something, then closes it again. Kibum fears the worst. But then Jinki says,
"Me too."
"What?"
"Me too." Jinki says again. "I understand. But you knew coming into this job, Kibummie, that it would be like this. Didn't you?"
Kibum nods.
"I thought I could do it."
"You still can."
"I can't lie."
"But you're not lying." Jinki says. "You're acting. For the sake of survival."
"What's the difference?"
"The difference is," Jinki says, "That hopefully, in a few years, when things are a bit better, we might be able to stand up and tell everyone the truth."
"But why not now?"
Jinki smiles bitterly. Kibum had never seen that sharp look in his eye before. He hasn't seen it since.
"You know why." He says.
"If I stand up, in the future," Kibum says. "Will you?"
"Yes." Jinki says, with certainty. "I promise."
Kibum nods. He feels more certain now, knowing that there is someone like him, someone on his side. And Kibum and Jinki will never be best friends, not the way they are with the other members, but they'll always have that thread of solidarity between them. Keeping them close.
ONEW
When Kibum calls him late one night, after his first public date with Ae-ri, Jinki fears the worst. He lies in bed watching television and answers the phone.
"Kibum-ah?"
"Sorry to call you so late, hyung." Kibum says. "Something's just bothering me."
"Is it about the uh, the photographs?"
Kibum is silent for a long moment. Jinki wonders if he's seen them. He'd kissed Ae-ri outside in the rain. A perfect opportunity, his manager had said.
"No." He says eventually, though he sounds uncertain. "It's something else."
"Okay." Jinki says. "I'm listening."
"There’s something I haven’t told you.” Kibum says. Jinki hears him sigh. “I think I’m partly responsible for this whole thing.”
Jinki waits for Kibum to explain.
“It’s pride month soon.” Kibum says. “I had this- idea that it was the perfect opportunity to go public about myself.”
Hurt blooms in Jinki’s chest. Myself. As if Jinki wasn’t suffering from the same problem. As if they weren’t in it together.
“I felt reckless, I don’t know. And some of the fans are so open-minded, so understanding, I just-“ Kibum cuts himself off. “So I went to the label.”
“Without me.” Jinki says. His tone is a little cold.
“I’m sorry.” Kibum says honestly. “I wanted to ask you, I just thought it would be better not to get your hopes up. And I was right not to ask you. They were horrified.”
Jinki imagines it. How Kibum must have felt. Being on the outside.
“The look on their faces, hyung. I’m glad you didn’t see it.” Kibum whispers. “So they told me it wasn’t possible. And that’s when they told me they were planning on pairing you with Ae-ri.”
“Oh.”
“It was meant to be after the comeback. Maybe you’d have more of a choice if I hadn’t tried to come out.” Kibum says. “But they sped it up. To make sure that if I did expose myself, they’d have a backup.”
Jinki feels his heart sink.
“Kibummie.” He says gently. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” Kibum says. “Fuck it, it’s not my fault . It’s theirs.”
Jinki stares up at the ceiling.
“I just thought I’d tell you.” Kibum says. “I’m tired of secrets. This whole thing is just… Ugh.”
“I know.” Jinki says. He closes his eyes. Breathes. “But we’re still the same SHINee. That will never change. There’s no pretense there.”
“Yeah.” Kibum says. His tone softens a little. “Are you okay?”
“I will be.” Jinki says. “Are you?”
Kibum scoffs.
“I guess I’ll have to be.” Kibum says. There’s a comfortable silence. “…I did see the pictures.”
“Oh?” Jinki asks. For some reason, his stomach turns with nerves.
“They bother me.” Kibum says.
“Because they’re a lie?”
“I don’t know.” Kibum admits. “Partly, yes.”
A dangerous question slips from Jinki’s tongue.
“Would it still bother you if they were photographs of me with a man?”
There’s a long silence. Kibum seems to consider his answer carefully.
“Yes.” He says quietly. Jinki’s heart jumps. He thinks of Kibum, lying on his side, phone held up to his ear. "...They'd bother me even more."
“Why?” Jinki asks.
Another silence. This one seems more final.
“Goodnight, hyung.” Kibum says. “Rehearsal tomorrow. Don’t be late.”
The gentle, familiar chiding feels strange after Kibum’s admission.
“Night, Kibum-ah.” Jinki says, but Kibum has already hung up the phone.
Now that the duets are over, the entire group is rehearsing together.
The energy is the same as it always is. Jinki loses himself in the pounding of the speakers and the movement of the choreography. But part of his mind still drifts to Kibum, who has thrown himself into dancing too.
Kibum is wearing a thin top. Jinki can see the sweat on the back of his neck. He's always been beautiful but especially when he's working, because it's effortless.
As they dance, Kibum catches Jinki looking and offers him a smile. Jinki almost loses his rhythm, but doesn't.
“Would it still bother you if they were photographs of me with a man?”
“Yes.”
Jinki knows he's distracted. But thankfully his performance doesn't suffer. They finish the choreography with no issues. Their instructor even claps, for the first time in a few weeks.
After training Kibum throws him a bottle of water. They look at each other, Jinki on the floor and Kibum leaning over him. Jinki feels a spark. It's not just their usual nod of solidarity. There's tension there, warm and new.
Jinki swallows and looks away. He gulps down water, for something to do. Kibum is dragged away by Taemin.
After training they all go for lunch. The atmosphere is lighter, and though Jinki knows that it's slightly fake, he appreciates the feeling that everything is okay. Maybe he gazes at Kibum more than is strictly necessary. Maybe Kibum's smile is small and pretty. But apart from that, Jinki feels as if time has been reversed.
After the lunch, the rest of the members leave, but Kibum hangs back with Jinki.
"Fancy a walk?" He asks.
So they walk together through the streets of Seoul. The air is colder than Jinki expects but he doesn't complain. He lets Kibum's company wash over him, and feels at peace for the first time in a month.
"Can we start over?" Kibum asks.
Jinki meets his eyes.
"Start over?" He asks.
Kibum nods.
"I'm tired of thinking about the PR stunt." Kibum says. "I've been so angry about it, but what's the point? There's nothing we can do about it. I just want it to stop turning over and over in my head."
Jinki had enjoyed Kibum's anger. He'd never been allowed to indulge in his own anger. Kibum can distance himself from this easily. For Jinki, this is his life.
"Can we forget about it, hyung?" Kibum asks.
"Yeah." Jinki says, unable to say why Kibum's request bothers him so much. Kibum nods, grateful, and steps closer to Jinki's side. They brush against each other.
"We never hang out, just the two of us." Kibum says. They're an odd pair on the pavement, Jinki dressed for the cold and Kibum in a loose fitting sweater that's more for style than warmth. "Maybe we could go for coffee, another day?"
"That'd be nice." Jinki admits. He looks at his feet, strangely shy. He's spent almost a decade living in Kibum's pocket, like he has all the other members. But he's never felt like this before.
This feeling started, really, that day when the articles came out and he saw the anger in Kibum's face.
It started when Jinki realised he didn't really want to live in hiding.
And Kibum had always been braver than him. Perhaps that's why Jinki respects him so much.
"Hey, hyung." Kibum says. He stops walking, and Jinki turns to look at him. "Have you ever thought that maybe-"
Jinki looks at him expectantly. But Kibum swallows his words, shakes his head. His cheeks are pink. Maybe from the cold, Jinki thinks.
"Nevermind." Kibum says. "Let's head back. But you owe me a coffee, okay?"
"It's a date." Jinki laughs. He doesn't see Kibum's expression, because Kibum is already turning away, heading back where they came from.
The coffee comes as promised, one early morning on a rainy day.
The atmosphere reminds Jinki of that day, when he'd been forced to kiss Ae-ri in the rain. Kibum is hiding beneath an umbrella in front of a cafe. Jinki runs to meet him, his coat held above his head.
"Hyung." Kibum laughs. "Forget your umbrella?"
"It was sunny until just now." Jinki pouts.
Together they find a seat, remembering something that happened years ago. Kibum was right - they never really hang out, just the two of them. But it's still familiar. Kibum is still one of his closest friends.
"I'll get the coffee." Jinki says. Kibum gives him a strange look.
"You don't know how I like it."
"I don't?" Jinki laughs. "Watch this."
Of course he knows Kibum's coffee order. He places the iced coffee in front of Kibum smugly. The atmosphere between them is bright, so much better than it has been before. Maybe that fresh start really did help.
"How did you know?" Kibum asks.
"It's my job to know." Jinki says easily.
Kibum sips his coffee, considering this.
Jinki has tea. He doesn't need any more nervous energy. His leg is bouncing under the table.
But his leg goes stilll when he feels Kibum's knee touch his own under the table.
"I'm working on something for the comeback." Kibum says. Jinki drags his focus away from their touched legs and onto Kibum's words. "A stage outfit. Wanna see?"
"Of course." Jinki says.
Kibum leans across the table. Jinki can smell whatever cologne or perfume he's wearing - light, fruity, alluring. He doesn't look at Kibum's face, his eyes fixed on the phone screen.
Jinki laughs.
"It's so colorful!"
"That's the point, hyung." Kibum says. His voice raises hopefully. "Do you like it?"
"I love it. Of course I do." Jinki says. "Hey, is this one mine?"
He points to the deep purple suit on the screen. For some reason, Kibum turns pink.
"How did you know?" Kibum asks.
"It would look good on me." Jinki laughs. A few buttons have been undone, so that the sheen shirt is open on the mannequin. "It's a little risky."
"That's also the point, hyung." Kibum says. Jinki meets his eyes, and Kibum's eyes are sparkling with mischief. Jinki covers his chest as if he's scandalised. "You don't mind, do you?"
"It'll ruin my new image." Jinki says. Kibum rolls his eyes.
"Good." He says. Jinki secretly agrees. "I'm going to bring them for our first performance. Are you excited?"
Jinki nods happily. It's been a while since their last comeback.
"Do you like the song I wrote?" Jinki says. "I didn't get the chance to ask."
"It's beautiful." Kibum says. He looks at Jinki over the top of his cup and straw. Jinki's thoughts betray him as he looks into Kibum's face - he thinks you're beautiful like a broken record in his mind. "Really, hyung. So broody."
"Hey!" Jinki laughs. "I thought you were going to compliment me."
"I am!"
Jinki fakes a frown. He enjoys Kibum's laughter, and the feeling of their legs still touching underneath the table.
"You're so cruel to me."
"I'm not!" Kibum says. "I'm just an honest guy."
"Mm." Jinki grumbles. He takes a sip of tea, watching the rain fall. This is so nice.
"This is so nice." Kibum says, as if plucking the thought right from his head.
But all good things have to end. Before Jinki can blink, they're pulling on their coats and stepping into the rain. Kibum let's Jinki stand under his umbrella. They stay out in the cold for a while, warming each other up. Then Jinki's car pulls up.
"Thanks, hyung." Kibum says. "Let's do this again."
"Please." Jinki says sheepishly. There's nothing else he'd rather do.
They look at each other, and the only sound is the rain against the top of the umbrella.
"You know." Kibum says, a mischievous look in his eyes. "I've seen this before. You, Ae-ri-shiii, a kiss in the rain."
"Kibummie." Jinki whines.
"I'm just saying..." Kibum lowers his voice. "We'd do it better."
Jinki freezes. He has no idea what Kibum means by that. Or, yes he does, but he has no idea how to react to it, how to make sense of it.
"I'll see you tomorrow." Jinki says shakily, which is all he really can say. He ducks out from underneath the umbrella and steps into his car.
That evening is his last public appearance with Ae-ri before SHINee's comeback.
They drink wine and eat steak at a famous restaurant. After tonight, Jinki will be caught up in performances and appearances, so he won't have to see her as much. Jinki decides to enjoy himself. Or as much as he can, with someone taking photographs every few minutes.
"I wanted to thank you." Ae-ri says, halfway through their bottle of red wine.
"What for?" Jinki asks, cheeks stuffed with steak. He swallows sheepishly.
"This." She gestures between them. "I know it can't have been easy."
"For you, too." Jinki says. "I understand."
"It was worth it, for me." Ae-ri says. "I feel like I can trust you. If I tell you something, will you swear to keep it between us?"
Jinki crosses his heart.
"There's a reason I have to do this." Ae-ri says. "...My partner is a woman."
Jinki pauses.
He feels the same way he did when Kibum came out to him, all those years ago.
"You see now why I had no choice?" Ae-ri asks. "I worked very hard to get where I am today. I can't lose it. She understands that."
Somehow, the knowledge makes Jinki feel better about the whole thing. He gives Ae-ri a warm, welcoming smile.
"I understand. You don't have to explain yourself to me." Jinki says.
”We can’t get married, you know. But we are going to do a ceremony anyway. And we have rings.”
“That’s lovely.” Jinki says sincerely.
"I know. I thought you might understand." Ae-ri says. She tilts her head. "Something in your face, when they told you what you had to do... You're just like me, aren't you?"
Jinki nods.
"Do you have someone you love?" Ae-ri asks. Jinki considers this.
"Not really." He says. "I mean I- Maybe."
Ae-ri raises an eyebrow.
"Oh?"
"It's complicated." Jinki says.
"Trust me, I know complicated." Ae-ri says. "But whoever he is, he's a lucky man. Give it a go. What have you got to lose?"
That's true, Jinki thinks. This new understanding of Ae-ri makes Jinki feel relieved. No matter where he goes in the industry, he won't be alone.
KEY
They all wear Kibum's outfit on that first show.
The members compliment him. But Kibum's only looking for one reaction. He watches as Jinki pulls on the shirt, buttoning it like Kibum had in the photograph. There's a lump in his throat. Ever since he heard about Jinki and Ae-ri, he's been so…
Jinki looks down at his shirt. He furrows his eyebrow, and does up another button. Kibum, amused, strides over to him.
"No." Kibum says. He removes Jinki's hands from his shirt, and then unbuttons the button again. "Like this."
There's a pink flush climbing Jinki's throat now.
"But-"
"It's meant to look like this." Kibum says firmly. His fingers ghost over Jinki's chest. "See?"
Jinki swallows. Kibum smiles at him.
"Perfect." Kibum says. "Come on, hyung."
Even after Kibum stops touching him, Jinki stands still for a minute, frozen in place. Then they go out onto the stage.
There's been a chemistry between them since the scandal, and it's growing all the time. It reaches some sort of peak on stage that day. Kibum meets Jinki's eyes as they dance and he can't help himself - his eyes flicker up and down Jinki's chest.
It's dark backstage when they finish. As the other members disappear to get water and undress, Jinki grabs Kibum's wrist and they stand together in the darkness.
"What is it?" Kibum whispers. He feels Jinki's hands on him, brushing over his shoulders, soft hands on his cheeks, feeling for him, devouring him. He thinks Jinki might hug him, or do something, but he doesn't. He just touches for a second.
Then Jinki's gone and Kibum's left breathing in the darkness, warm and confused.
Jinki won't look at him as they undress and head to their car. He's quiet as he stares out of the window. Kibum watches him.
"Are you okay?" Jonghyun whispers to him. "I thought it was perfect. You did fine, Kibum-ah."
"Ah, it's fine." Kibum says quickly. He gives Jonghyun a reassuring smile, his eyes flickering to Jonghyun and then back to Jinki. "Did you like the outfits?"
"I loved them!" Taemin gushes. "Especially Jinki's. He looked good, didn't he hyung?"
The question is directed to Kibum. Kibum, embarrassed, just coughs. Jinki smiles at Kibum when he hears this.
"Of course he did." Kibum says smoothly. "Because I designed his outfit."
"I'm sorry for calling again." Kibum says. He's pottering around his kitchen. His dogs yap around his heels, wanting a taste. "I feel like it's all I do these days."
"I don't mind." Jinki's voice says on the other end of the line. "What are you making?"
"Just bibimbap." Kibum says. "Want some?"
"I already ate. I'm full." Jinki says. He sounds disappointed. "I might fall asleep any minute now. Then what will you do?"
"Laugh at you." Kibum says. Jinki laughs, bright and warm, and it warms Kibum's heart. Kibum is embarrassed by himself, so he clashes dishes together violently as he cooks. "You know, we should do something together to celebrate the end of promotions. Dinner?"
"As a group?" Jinki asks, which makes Kibum even more embarrassed.
"Well I- I sort of meant just us... two." Kibum says. He never feels uncertain, but right now he does.
"Ah." Jinki says. "Kibummie..."
"What?" Kibum asks defensively.
"I think we're... I..." Jinki pauses to think. "I don't know if we should keep doing this."
"Keep doing what?"
"Hanging out, just the two of us." Jinki says. "I think we should stop."
"Why?" Kibum snaps. "We're bandmates. We're friends. Why shouldn't we go out together?"
Jinki's voice is quieter when he speaks again, hushed, as if someone's listening.
"You know that's not all this is." He says. Kibum's heart jumps.
"Then what?" Kibum says. "We just don't speak to each other? We don't do anything together? Grow up, hyung."
“Kibum-ah, listen.” Jinki says. “If you weren’t part of SHINee… Well, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I’d risk it all for you. But we’re in the same group. You know how that could turn out.”
“Right.” Kibum says coldly. “You don’t want me making a mess of the group.”
“I have a responsibility, as our leader.” Jinki says helplessly.
“However much you say otherwise, I know this isn’t about us being in SHINee.” Kibum says spitefully. “This is about Ae-ri. And the public. You know it is. This is why I didn’t ask you to come to the label with me when I tried to come out. Because you’re a coward .”
“Kibummie.” Jinki says. He sounds so sad. “Don’t try to hurt me. I’m tired.”
“So am I!” Kibum says loudly. “And I just thought…”
Kibum sighs. His voice quietens.
“I just thought we were on the same page.” He says. He hates how small he sounds. Jinki is quiet for a moment.
“I’m sorry.” He says. “I want you too much. I can’t keep doing this. I know you want someone who understands, and so do I, but that doesn’t mean we should be that person for each other.”
“Fuck that.” Kibum says, in a moment of anger, and hangs up the phone. He regrets it afterward. But it’s done now, and he owns it. He lets the anger simmer into regret. He lets it hurt.
Kibum has always spoken his mind, and that’s how he ends up in these kinds of situations.
Maybe if he had been more of an actor, like Jinki, he wouldn’t be sitting miserably in the back of a car on his way to an interview. Maybe everything would just be easier.
The only other member there is Jinki. The rest are in another car. Kibum sits with his jaw clenched. Now that promotions are over Jinki has had another date with Ae-ri. It still feels raw. Kibum knows there’ll be questions about her during the interview, and he dreads it.
Jinki, too, seems pretty miserable. His leg is bouncing up and down.
"Can you stop that?" Kibum says.
"Sorry." Jinki says. He looks so down that Kibum just wants to crawl over the seat and give him a hug.
"...Hyung." Kibum says. Jinki looks up at him hopefully, as if Kibum is going to provide some sort of answer, some way to fix this. Kibum puts his anger aside. "It's okay. You got this."
Jinki offers him a small, grateful smile. They sit in silence again.
"I'm sorry for what I said on the phone." Jinki says again, more genuine this time.
"Me too." Kibum says. "I was cruel. I shouldn't have said any of that."
Jinki shrugs.
"It was true. I got scared." Jinki meets his eyes. "I'm still scared."
Kibum offers him a smile. Their hands sit on the seat between them, and Kibum takes an unsteady breath. He places his hand on top of Jinki's.
"What was it you said to me, all those years ago?" Kibum says. " You're acting, for the sake of survival. That's all, hyung. It's okay."
"I don't want to just survive."
Kibum nods. He agrees. They watch the world pass by, hand in hand, wishing everything was different.
ONEW
"And now let's move on to the happy couple." The interview says. She's so bright, so unconcerned about the truth. "Onew-ah. Can you give us a date for the wedding?"
The question settles uncomfortably in the room. All eyes turn to Jinki.
"Soon!" Jinki says brightly, as if he's the happiest man in the world. Behind him, Kibum kicks his foot, as if to reassure him. "I can't wait."
"Neither can we." The interviewer laughs. It's a very particular kind of cruelty, the sort that isn't intentional. "Tell us a little more. How did you meet?"
"Well, everyone knows the story. We were in the same drama."
"Ah, and you were her love interest. How romantic." The interviewer swoons.
Jinki can almost hear Kibum's eye roll.
"Tell us, how do you feel about her?" The interviewer leans forward in her seat.
"Well, I-" This is the hardest question yet. Jinki settles on as close to the truth as he can get. "The one I love is hard-headed. Incredibly talented. Open and honest. And they're the only person who has ever made me feel like I can just be me."
"That's lovely." The interviewer sighs wistfully. "Well, moving on..."
Jinki is grateful the hard part is over. The rest of the interview passes in a blur. It isn't until afterwards that Jinki gets nervous again, when he realises he's admitted to Kibum how he really feels.
"Hard-headed." Kibum murmurs in his ear, as they leave the interview room. " Incredibly talented."
Jinki laughs and shoves Kibum, feeling like his insides have been carved out. The rest of the members pile into the vehicle, but Kibum takes Jinki's hand.
"Are you sure you don't want dinner?" Kibum asks.
How could Jinki say no?
There's a small restaurant by the edge of the city that Kibum loves.
He tells Jinki exactly why he loves it so much as they take a seat. Jinki listens to him with a smile, feeling nervous in the loveliest way. Kibum takes off his coat, hair falling over his eyes, and Jinki wonders how they got here, and how something good could come from such a lie.
"Stop looking at me like that." Kibum laughs shyly, cutting himself off. Jinki smiles at him. "I'm meant to be angry at you."
"You are?" Jinki asks, innocently. Kibum kicks him beneath the table. "Can't you forgive me?"
"Not without an incentive." Kibum says. Jinki grins at him.
"I can think of a few." He says, which turns Kibum's cheeks pink.
It's almost too easy to wind him up. Jinki realises then that if this was all they got, then he'd be happy. Maybe he'd have to wait a while before they could tell anyone, but wouldn't it still be worth it?
They eat together, laughing about their shared history and little accidents that had happened during their promotions. Kibum brings up the purple suit, and Jinki flushes thinking of Kibum's hands on his shirt again.
"It was flawless. " Kibum says, popping a piece of chicken into his mouth.
"The shirt or me?"
"The shirt, of course." Kibum grins.
"Me too, though?" Jinki asks, and Kibum grumbles at him, but doesn't disagree. "I liked yours too. Bright blue. It matched mine."
"They all matched." Kibum says.
"Well, ours in particular." Jinki argues. He intertwines their legs beneath the table. "You don't think so?"
Kibum’s eyes widen. He clears his throat, and seems to forget what he was going to say.
"Hey, hyung." He says, after a moment. "I thought hanging out just the two of us was dangerous?"
"It is." Jinki says. He looks down at his plate. "For my heart."
"You didn't just say that." Kibum laughs. "Save those cliches for interviews."
"I mean it." Jinki says. "You were right. That phone call wasn't really about the group. It wasn't even about Ae-ri really. I just-"
"What?"
"I really like you." Jinki admits. "And I was scared."
"You don't have to be scared of me." Kibum says. He doesn't laugh now. His eyes are gentle. "You know me. I'm not as tough as I look."
"I know." Jinki says. "I'm sorry."
"It's alright." Kibum says. "I'm sorry too."
"Do you want to give it a go?" Jinki asks warmly. "Us, I mean? I know we'd have to keep it a secret, and I'm always going to be Ae-ri's husband, but... I think it'd be worth it."
"Yeah." Kibum says. He smiles, and Jinki lights up with hope. "Yeah, I would."
They don't say much after that. They finish their meals and step out into the night sky together. It's cold, but they huddle into the back of a car together, sides touching as if they were stuck that way.
Before the car stops, Jinki feels a burst of courage. In the darkness he leans over the seat and kisses Kibum. Warm, brave, lovely. Kibum melts into his kiss.
"What was that for?" Kibum asks happily, afterwards.
Jinki falls back into his seat.
"Just because I can." He says.