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Dan felt stuck in several ways and like the walls of the small apartment closed in on him slowly with each blink of his eyes. The small bedroom started spinning as he lay on the bed, staring at the white ceiling for too long. Everywhere he looked, there were boxes, and random crap scattered around on the floor, on the walls, there was no space to do anything, nowhere to hide. He couldn’t maintain his happy demeanour around Phil, so he isolated himself as best he could by locking himself away, sitting on the toilet for hours, or in the shower, or sleeping in until late afternoons just so he could get some alone time after Phil went to bed at night. He usually spent the evenings and nights gaming, when he wasn’t working.
This was his way of dealing with it, trying to avoid the issue instead of confronting it like he knew he should. But Phil hadn’t noticed, or at least didn’t feel bothered to ask. Dan was grateful. He was also about to snap at any moment, and tried his best to avoid any conflicts.
It wasn’t Phil's fault really, but the normal mild annoyance Dan felt toward his clutter-ness and general aloof-ness made him resentful to the point where he couldn’t spend much time around him at all.
Phil, who was so indifferent to everything whilst being his clingy, chaotic self never seemed bothered at all by the things that made Dan’s blood boil, made him stay up at night, pacing. Dan guess he envied Phil’s ability to detach from things that didn’t serve him and focus on the more fun aspects of life. Like the house they had built together, where they’d finally get to move in soon. It was all he talked about. Dan was excited too, but a part of him wondered if he was ready to commit. Well, it was already too late to back out and he loved Phil, more than anything, but the part of him that hesitated, would always wonder what it’d be like to live by himself. Would he get the mental stimulation he constantly craved, the confidence from having to navigate life and its obstacles (oh, so many obstacles) by himself, problem solve and take care of his own needs, or would he be cripplingly lonely? He’ll never know.
Phil was a nice distraction from his mentally ill mind, a great friend and the feeling of safety embodied.
The worst thing about him, however, was the endless clutter and the state he left the kitchen after making himself food several times a day that had Dan cursing under his breath. The kitchen counter was covered in crumbs, the cabinets left open, the greasy marks on the fridge, dishes forgotten in the sink, coffee stains on the floor.
”This place is like a goddamn mine field, Phil,” Dan muttered and glared at him where he was sitting on the sofa in the corner with his phone.
Phil looked up and pushed his glasses up on his nose. ”What? Oh, sorry.” He gave a short laugh and went straight back to his phone. Dan sighed.
”It’s not funny. I keep asking you,” Dan ran a hand through his fringe in frustration. ”What is so fucking hard to understand?” He didn’t mean to snap, but found himself wiping the counter with a rag rather fervently.
”Chill out,” Phil muttered without looking up. ”I’ll clean up later.”
”Seriously, Phil,” Dan spurred on. ”I’m sick of you just not giving a shit about what this place looks like. I’d appreciate not being the only one to clean up all the fucking time. I’m not your fucking house-maid.”
”Have you looked around?” Phil said, gesturing to their living space with his hands. ”We’re living in box-world right now, it doesn’t matter how much we clean, we can barely see the floor anyway.”
”At least I’m trying to keep the order around here!” Dan didn’t mean to raise his voice at all, but he couldn’t hold back his pent up energy any longer, not when Phil was being so disrespectful. This was why he tried so hard to avoid him, it was inevitable. ”There’s no reason to being a fucking slob.”
”I don’t mean to be! I just… forget,” Phil tried to defend himself lamely. ”I’d appreciate it if you stopped fucking nagging me all the time. It’s all you do.”
Dan placed his palms on the table in the middle of the kitchen and stared him down. ”I wouldn’t have to if you actually fucking showed some respect and listened to me.”
”Well, why would I listen to you, when all you do is trying to avoid me all the time, and come out of your cave every now and then just to snap and nag at me for everything I’m doing wrong?” Phil was standing up now, closing the distance so they were face to face, opposite sides of the kitchen island. ”I feel like I’m walking on egg-shells around you. Especially when you refuse to talk to me.”
”I didn’t start this shit. You did. I don’t want us to fight, but sometimes I feel like you’re doing this to piss me off.” Dan stared to feel tears building behind his eyes and he hated himself for getting so worked up. The thought that maybe he was overreacting did cross his mind but he was in too deep now. In a way he felt like they really needed to get this off their chests, if they could solve things like adults. He was tired of being resentful, and really, Phil didn’t deserve that.
”Dan,” Phil started.
”Whatever, I’m going for a walk,” Dan said, suddenly overwhelmed by Phil’s piercing eyes and the flicker of hurt behind them. He needed to get out.
”Wait,” Phil said, grabbing his arm as he tried to brush past him. ”Where are you going?”
”Doesn’t matter.” Dan managed to escape his grip and went into the hallway, putting his coat and his face mask on and left the apartment.
-
The streets of London were almost completely empty, and Dan wandered around some park for so long it started getting dark. He had gotten a text, from Phil probably, but his anxiety and probably abandonment issues kept him from reading it, fully expecting an excruciatingly long paragraph where Phil had enough and was breaking up with him.
He stopped outside a small cafe that for some reason was still open, and pondered if he should go in and order something nice for him and Phil. He’d realized now, by staring up at the sky, muttering ’what is wrong with me’ over and over, how much of an asshole he was and fully convinced himself he needed to make it up to Phil. And what better way was there than to bribe him with sweet coffee and maybe a muffin?
Knowing Phil, he’d probably just freak out at the fact that Dan was out and shopping, and would probably drench the whole thing in hand sanitizer to the point where it was inedible. But it’s the thought that counts, right? And the restrictions were starting to lift finally.
Dan decided on ordering a caramel macchiato each, and some nice looking cookies, and while waiting he fished out his phone and read the little notification on the screen.
Phil
wanna get Deliveroo tonite?
Dan snorted out loud, then immediately covered his mouth and peeked at the barista, who gave him a pointed look.
Of course Phil was just thinking about food. Dan still felt like an asshole, and the text was sent fifty minutes ago.
Dan truly felt like an idiot, not only for snapping at Phil, but for dashing out the door like some moody teenager, ghosting him for hours and actually thinking he was about to be single. In fact, he wondered why in the world Phil even bothered putting up with his dramatic ass at all.
”Idiot,” Dan muttered out loud.
”Sorry?” The barista snapped him out of his train of thought, holding the drinks and a bag of cookies out to him. ”Your order’s ready, have a nice evening.”
”Oh, thanks, you too.” Dan said, quickly grabbing the items and hurried out of the heavy door, a bell chiming loudly above him as he left.
-
It wasn’t until he unlocked the front door to their apartment that he realized he never answered the text, but he figured it didn’t really matter. The answer was always obvious, especially after a mentally rough day like this.
He didn’t really feel like isolating anymore.
Once he washed his hands and entered the kitchen, he noticed how clean it was and felt a pang in his chest. He put the coffee and bag on the table and looked around.
”Phil?”
”Yeah,” came the muffled reply from the office behind the glass wall. Dan grabbed one of the drinks and the cookie bag and went inside. Phil was sitting by the computer in their office, back towards Dan with his headphones on.
Dan set the coffee down in front of him, causing him to jump in his seat.
”Sorry,” Dan mumbled, watching as Phil sniffed the drink with wide eyes. ”Not just for scaring you. For everything.”
”What’s this?” Phil asked, looking up at him.
”What does it look like?” Dan quirked a brow at him. ”I got you cookies too. And also, would love Deliveroo tonight if you’re up for it still.”
”Ohh,” Phil said excitedly, reaching inside the bag and shoving a cookie in his mouth instantly. Dan laughed.
”I was thinking we could get some meze,” Dan suggested as Phil took a sip of his cup.
Phil stood up suddenly, pushing the chair away and wrapping his arms around Dan’s neck in a hug. Dan hugged him back instantly, nuzzling his nose in the crook of Phil’s neck and inhaling the warmth.
”Cookies and meze? What are we celebrating?”
”Oh, I dunno, surviving yet another day in this hellscape?” Dan said sarcastically. He had his eyes closed, chin resting on Phil’s sweater-clad shoulder and arms wrapped tightly around his waist. ”I feel like we deserve a treat.”
Phil pulled back just enough so he could peck Dan on the lips, once, twice, thrice.
”Not gonna argue with that,” he smiled. ”So, you feel better now?”
Dan rolled his eyes, mostly to cover up how preposterous he really felt for causing a scene. ”I’m good.”
”Okay,” Phil mused, eyes flickering to read his expression. ”It’s hard to keep up sometimes.”
Dan, while feeling vulnerable and instinctively wanting to cover it up with his hard shell and dry sense of humor, knew there was no point in it as Phil could read him like an open book by now, after so long together. Dan both resented him for it, but was also thankful as he didn’t really need to express himself with words. He just cast his eyes down and bit the inside of his cheek. Phil’s blue eyes, so up close and boring into his soul felt like he was literally capable of mind reading. It still made Dan’s knees weak.
Phil’s soft hands drifted from his neck up to cup his chin to force their eyes to lock again. ”I got worried when you didn’t answer me.” He was frowning, but his gaze was soft. Sympathetic.
”I just needed some air,” Dan mumbled. ”I felt claustrophobic in here.”
Phil nodded, as if to say ’I get it’ and looked down at the bag of cookies and cups on the desk. ”Shall we?”
Dan, suddenly not wanting to let go, or for the heat of Phil’s body to disappear from him, clung on to his sweater and let out a tiny whine. Phil let out a breathy laugh and Dan would normally be embarrassed but it had been so fucking long, since they’d been this close. It had probably only been a couple of days in reality, but it felt like more.
He glared at the cookies, regretted buying them as now Phil was probably not going to be easy to convince of anything other than eating. Dan’s mood had abruptly shifted into wanting intimacy and attention when he’d felt the complete opposite only minutes ago.
Phil still managed to pick up his drink despite Dan’s grip on him and took a sip, humming with delight at the taste. Dan scowled.
”Hey, we can always multi-task,” Phil supplied. He managed to wiggle out of Dan’s grip eventually, grabbed the coffee and cookies and motioned with his head for Dan to follow him into the lounge area.
He kept a warm hand on Dan’s thigh the entire time they sat down on the sofa in silence, eating their cookies and watching the changing background of the chrome cast on their TV. Dan settled for the touch for the moment, silently appreciating the way Phil was just letting him be, letting his moods shift without judgment.
”I don’t get how you put up with me sometimes,” Dan said, in anticipation for some sort of explanation.
Phil just smiled at him. ”I think you’re pretty neat, most of the time.”
That didn’t quite itch Dan’s need for validation at the moment and he frowned. ”Why?”
”Are you fishing for compliments, bear?” Phil had this tone, it was teasing, or perhaps even flirting. Dan couldn’t tell as Phil’s mouth was also stuffed at the moment and crumbs were spilling all over his shirt and their couch. It would have annoyed him if it wasn’t for his current shift in needing some sort of ego boost which complaining certainly wouldn’t get him.
He brought a hand up and brushed the crumbs off of Phil’s sweater and lingered there for some time, playing with the hem of the top. Phil looked down at the mess and snickered, then stopped, seeming to remember their debate earlier and covered his mouth as he swallowed down the mouthful of cookie.
”Sorry, I’m making a mess again. I’ll fix it later,” he said and shot Dan an apologetic look. Dan felt a pang of guilt as he remembered Phil’s words from earlier.
”It’s fine, Phil. I’m not gonna freak out.”
Phil looked at him then, eyes squinted as if he didn’t believe him, but decided to drop it. He grabbed Dan’s wandering hand and held it in his lap. ”I missed you.”
Dan frowned. ”I’m always right here.”
”You know what I mean,” Phil said, eyes flickering up and down Dan’s form. So it wasn’t just Dan being clingy all of a sudden.
”I’m always up for that,” Dan said matter-of-factly, because it was true. No matter how annoyed he was, or sick of Phil’s constant looming around and over him, sex was the only form of attention he couldn’t get enough of.
However, as soon as Phil was leaning in, Dan backed up as he wasn’t expecting Phil to give in so soon. It was too easy.
”You were telling me why you put up with me,” he reminded him.
Phil just gave him a bewildered look, as if he’d forgotten their entire conversation. ”Oh, well, there’s too many reasons for that.”
”Like?” Dan pushed.
Phil stared at him for some time.
”I feel like there’s never a boring moment with you,” he started. ”You’re fun. And caring. And pretty.” He stroked a finger over the dimple that formed as Dan was smiling. ”We like the same stuff. Been through some shit together. I know you don’t believe it but I feel like we were made for each other, like soulmates.”
Dan pretended to gag, but on the inside his stomach flipped over. ”Wow. Way to get into my pants, Lester.”
Phil brought Dan’s hand up and kissed the back of it. ”Does it work, though?” He raised his eyebrows suggestively and Dan barked out a laugh, slapping him playfully on his arm.
”No,” he said. ”Disgusting.”
”Damn,” Phil swore, pretending to be hurt.
Dan, deciding the compliments had successfully sated his urge for validation, scooted closer so that he was almost sitting in Phil’s lap and grabbed his shirt. The kiss started slow, just their mouths moving together, hands wandering lightly in the stillness of the apartment. This was exactly what Dan needed. Just some peace and quiet, closeness and a sense of belonging. Like everything was going to be okay.