Work Text:
The empty bottles are not the reason why Changkyun is slowly growing sick of the city.
A couple of years ago, they arrived in Seoul with a luggage full of dreams and two minds full of worries. No one explained to them what these opportunities are, and if they’re ideal. But they grew up on these myths that the city would create the best of them. But it comes with a price.
Let’s be on our own while we’re there.
Only two years.
We’ll check in after that.
Silence.
It’s possible. We’ll find each other.
So they created their own paths. One chose to hunch over papers and a computer screen, neck all tied up with tasks; while another chose to hurt his spine picking up boxes of vitamin Cs and beer bottles, arranging them on the shelf for others to consume. Both heads were already spinning with their own lecture notes - also from different classrooms, faculties. After work or class, they would go to their chosen pubs and clubs and share their drinks with new faces.
They made it a point to only meet once a week - when they could shell out some pockets of time for each other. He wanted to make it special, and often propose a restaurant beyond their means; while the other preferred to be economical, afraid of the future collapsing, and suggested something easy. Let's make the conversation richer, then.
They did this by adding names and stories to their spaces that they could recount just to stretch these meetings - not dates - longer than the intended two hours and a couple of soju bottles.
It’s a weird decision - to act like a long-distance couple when they’re in the city. When they’re younger, they see the city as a chance to love each other wildly - to live in the same room, to kiss endlessly, and to wake up side by side. But as they grew up, both Hyungwon and Changkyun’s curiosity grew in dangerous ways.
After growing up on the same street, sneaking kisses behind the school staircase and their parents’ back, they made the bold decision to live separately. An odd choice for a pair of lovers who have postured themselves as soulmates. Maybe the teenage dreams have waned, or maybe they wanted to explore the city recklessly. To grow themselves through other people. No one explained to them if their landlord was a hack, if the contract signed was a scam, and if the city would question their relationship.
But that pride was hurting them, although they did not want to admit it. They almost called it quits in the first year. The city gave them ample challenges - there were some kisses stolen by others, some admittedly better, and this resulted in them meeting each other with scowls on their faces.
But we are technically no longer together now, right? He argued. It could be either one of them, whoever that appeared with a red mark on their neck. And the other would stay quiet, feeling ashamed for setting the rule in the first place.
There were two options to make: either to cut this deal off, or to completely cut the other off.
None was not brave enough to make one of these decisions.
**************
Graduation came and passed by, but that didn't satisfy Changkyun. He joins the ranks of other white-collared men, his mind numbing and poring through Korean and English dialogues as he struggles to keep to the timeset. Translation was not his dream job, but it is convenient. It pays the bills, it’s a skill that’s easy and transferable for him, and he gets to bask in any upcoming romance and movies before anyone else.
But this work also gave a high probability of him punishing himself further when things go wrong. Small matters, such as a typo, or a skipped line, or a misunderstanding, could make him feel like he just committed a crime. Once it happens, he will commit another mistake by downing an extra shot of whiskey at the after work parties. His colleagues and boss seem to not worry much about it, because Changkyun knows how to take care of himself publicly. As long as he continues to show up for work, the translations ready on the table, he is still deemed valuable.
Changkyun has his own place, but deep down inside, he still wants to escape. He’s not sure if it’s the people surrounding him, or if it’s the labor that he’s subjected himself to. The city has promised him nothing but a monotone. It bores him.
No, more like it irritates and frustrates him. No matter how many detours he has made to get to his office, all the new alleyways and bus routes taken, he will get bored of it. At one point, he is bored of his own foot making the same steps, bored of the paddings felt underneath his feet. Yet, he told himself that he could not afford another pair of shoes, because he needs the money to pay for the next meal with Hyungwon.
And what about Hyungwon? Well, his own work consumes him, too. Hyungwon’s office lies further on the other side of the river, somewhere more glamorous but more demanding of him. Now they meet less. The only times they can meet each other is when other errands are cancelled, and they can beat the rush of the clock. One a fortnight is the usual, and once a week is considered lucky.
One thing that Changkyun is very sure about is that he deeply misses Hyungwon. That he wishes they could stop with their pride and start from scratch. Stop playing this game of adulthood and rekindle their silly teenage dream of growing old together.
Let’s find a place together, is an idea that he wants to raise every time they meet. However, the two years have stretched themselves too far apart that it seems incredulous. They haven’t exchanged pleasantries nor held each other’s hands. Changkyun wonders if he can still fit in Hyungwon’s.
He wishes that it’s Hyungwon who will propose that, because Hyungwon was the one who proposed for the two year break.
But both would be so tired by their own life that they couldn’t even speak much over their bowls. Their dinner will go by in silence, intruded with other people’s names, like always.
*************************
When Hyungwon first got the bike, he called Changkyun for a ride.
After three months of not meeting each other, the invitation is enough to make Changkyun feel an unbearable warmth in his throat. But to be able to wrap his arm around Hyungwon again? The jolt was indescribable.
Alas, it has been so long that he struggles, and feels oddly dislocated . Holding Hyungwon means touching him, knowing how his waist feels. And both of them have created a distance so large that even casual touches become a taboo.
Changkyun knows that Hyungwon can see his hesitation. Changkyun isn’t doing it on purpose, but at one point, he wishes that Hyungwon will actually hold his hand and teach him again on how to secure himself around Hyungwon.
But adulthood means you have to learn to take care of yourself. Thus, Changkyun wills himself to latch onto Hyungwon, and tells himself there is nothing more to it.
The ride is slow, but secure. Hyungwon knows how to balance both of them, while Changkyun is anxious about his phone in his sweater, hoping that it will not drop. They speed through Changkyun’s neighbourhood and arrive at Hongdae to watch the crowd come and go, evolve and devolve. Without the bike, they would’ve been one of the people moving out of the frame, blending in with the noise. They do this when there’s nothing much to say between them.
Tonight, they drink their beer bottles to the sight of a group of aspiring idols dancing on the other side of the walkway. They are dancing their dreams away, or into reality, as university students crowd around them full of curiosity, amusement, and some with judgment.
Do you think we should’ve gone for that audition?
Hyungwon looks back at him.
I know the possibility of failing is high, but if we achieved it… we could go somewhere else beyond Seoul, right?
One of us could have.
Changkyun purses his lips.
On the ride back, he grips Hyungwon’s waist tighter than before, digging his fingers inside the leather jacket.
*************************
And this is when Changkyun knows he went too far - no one even dares to lift a finger even when he’s weak enough to lose everything. That no matter how Changkyun taunts them, they know it’s his own battle. The club that he frequents is ready to take him out.
Changkyun does not remember what exactly drove him to this - is it his job? Or is it his realisation that, after attending so many gigs and shows, that that was what he wanted to do? To be on stage, to let the music roam around him, express his feelings? And now he feels like there is no time left for him to get up there?
Seoul city promised so much, but that doesn’t mean it will answer you. Whenever he wants to throw it out, there’s nothing but air, or even worse, words. He chucks them out, but they all mean nothing by the end of the day. The city will eat his words up, or will trample on it, those black leather shoes drilling cement onto weeds.
Changkyun tries to search for it in alcohol, but he knows it’s not there. The glass breaks in his hand, and the bartender shouts in return. He hears a frantic call, and the phone dials.
It's been almost four years in the city. It’s been almost four years of trying to make it alone. But somehow, Hyungwon will always be there.
When Changkyun is a mess, Hyungwon always comes well prepared. He will be waiting at the stairs, all dressed in black, like a void that Changkyun can step into and disappear forever. While Changkyun paints his face with his own pity, Hyungwon has developed a repertoire that will make everyone bow down to him. He does this so effortlessly - just being nice, and with that damn big bike. Like he is ready to take him back.
But Hyungwon never utters it, and this grows into a lump of frustration in Changkyun.
There’s less effort, less blood, less hurt. Changkyun will still get to feel Hyungwon’s warmth, and just accept that this is already forever for them. That in his drunken slur, warped by the smell of alcohol, he can still lie on Hyungwon’s broad back, a cradle that he had wished for since they arrived in the city.
And Changkyun acknowledges how despite everything, despite Changkyun almost growing horrible at holding his tantrums at his job, his health, his temper, Hyungwon is ready to celebrate Changkyun’s real self. Changkyun can even smell it - from Hyungwon’s thick leather jacket is a whiff of Changkyun’s perfume, decanted from his own bottle. Changkyun wants to get out from his drunken stupor and fall into a bed of roses behind Hyungwon’s back. When he wraps his arm around Hyungwon, he has to trust both himself and Hyungwon for safety.
Hold tight , he says. Changkyun nuzzles, and he remembers that he didn’t take a good look at Hyungwon’s face for tonight. Is he okay? Or does he have some baggage that needed to be removed, but he had to push it away, because Changkyun comes first?
There’s no time to pause, as the engine begins to roar.
Both of them will bask in Seoul’s overloaded but hollow promises. They will speed across the buildings, all dead for the night, as the clubs struggle to make meanings for the youths. They’ll see dingy establishments itching to make their own legacies, and rooms in tall-rise buildings lit up either of a lovers’ quarrel or unravel. They’ll pass by homes hidden underground, either sleeping soundly or finding their coins. Cafes and chain stores stand side-by-side, brick by brick, counting the days they’ll close down permanently. Other cars will slow down to bow to them. They’ll pass by other places where Changkyun and Hyungwon’s name would haunt, but now irrelevant to their escape.
The bike will roar loud enough for Changkyun to forget his own beating heart, as he presses on to hear Hyungwon’s heart through his back. Everything else becomes a long string of light, trailing behind them.
When he drives alone in his car, he has full control of the world. But Changkyun couldn’t feel how the world greets him all the time. He will isolate himself with his music of choice. But as he lies on Hyungwon’s back, speeding across Seoul, many things brush through him - the wind, the howl, and his own grasp. Changkyun has to lose his trust on his own directions and navigation while Hyungwon steers the lead across the highway. All Changkyun had to do was to hold Hyungwon tight, to have Hyungwon’s waist as his crutch for his balance, his control, and his life.
They make a pit stop at their chosen place near the Han River. The bridge stands high above them, strong enough to withhold the river’s bold current. Changkyun will have to bear the cold night air slapping against his face, especially after he had thrown up whatever’s left off his intoxication. He feels ashamed, but Hyungwon’s shoulder makes him feel vindicated. Changkyun will let his hair stay disturbed, ruffled, so that he can look up to Hyungwon’s soft thick hair in awe. That Changkyun is always the lesser one, the one who needs tending.
Like a ritual, Hyungwon will unwind his earphones, the gray grime engulfing the white cable. Plugged into his phone, Hyungwon will take the left, Changkyun the right. On the screen, a familiar playlist will pop up. Changkyun is too sick to feel sick of it, so he falls into the comfort of having Hyungwon not saying anything, but his hands digging into his waist, rubbing sweet consolations.
Changkyun could’ve just chosen this option every night. Of them acknowledging that Seoul is too busy to pull them apart. That Seoul is small enough to squeeze both of them together into this one seat, letting their love exist. That Seoul is dangerous for them to slip away from each other, but also vast enough to let them be within each other’s radar.
He looks at the bike, and at his own rough hands. Once, they joked how Hyungwon is like his knight in shining armour, always there to pull him back to his senses with his bike. But Hyungwon doesn’t fight back against that, and would take good care of it, ensuring that Changkyun would fit behind him, with him. And this pair of earphones, too - it fits their ears nicely, transmitting their love through other people’s words.
Isn’t it strange? How material possessions, created by another stranger, can further define their own relationship? What happens when Hyungwon sells his bike away, or when the earphones finally lose their voice? What happens when Changkyun loses his legacies, his relevance, and Hyungwon loses his ground? What happens when there’s no reason to chase each other? What happens to them, when they have none of these crutches to depend on?
Let’s move in together.
Changkyun lifts his head away from Hyungwon’s shoulder. What do you mean?
I want to take care of you.
Oh. Am I only worthy of saving?
Hyungwon fiddles with something in his pocket - the sound of keys jangling.
Let’s be comfortable together again and call each other love. We have the space for it now.
Changkyun looks at Hyungwon for once. Heavy eyebags, cracked lips, and the mole rests on it. Hyungwon is handsome, sought for, desired for, hunted for by the whole city, if not the world. There would be someone else more peaceful, more dedicated to him. And yet here he is, returning to Changkyun’s arms, even at his worst. Even through the complaints.
Changkyun feels sorry that Hyungwon has to kiss his stained mouth - stained by his deception against the whole city, against the whole world. But he can’t help it. He can’t help to knock their helmets and beer cans aside, to disentangle the earphones, and show Hyungwon how much he wants to sink into each other again. He wants to be carried somewhere where both of them can be gentle, and can convince each other that such love does not have to be bound to their circumstances nor upbringing. That even if he is flowing on broken dreams, by the grime of the night and time fleeting by, they can still create that soft ebb and flow, like the Han River.
Both of them thought Seoul would promise more than what Gwangju could offer them, and it did. With the buildings obstructing their view, there are more obstacles to their relationships. Longer routes, more skirmish shortcuts, as new joints pop up to grab their attention. Both of them envied the simpler dreams of the common folks - the ones who could laugh freely in the open. While Changkyun had to stifle his giggle in the darkness, the helmet hid Hyungwon’s.
But there’s so much the city could do, and the rest lies up to them. That’s part of growing up, isn’t it? Making decisions that will alter your life course, your reality, and how you treat each other. And Changkyun is sure that Hyungwon was orbiting around the conviction that, yes, at the end of the day, the only decision that matters most is both of them.
Changkyun looks out towards the Han River and the tall buildings reaching out for the sky. He finds Hyungwon’s back to lie on, and knows which one is more formidable, more long lasting.