Chapter Text
Hard-boiled sweets, vibrant pinks, razor sharp edges catching inside her brain. She whimpered as the pain tore through her again, clutching a pillow closer as she tried her hardest to not let the pain tear her body apart. Her hair was sticking to her forehead, and her breath was coming in pants, every new stab of pain catching her off guard.
She could see the tendrils of black at the edges of her vision, she would lose consciousness soon. Sometimes, when she was in this much pain, she would hover in this twilight zone. Aware of her surroundings but barely able to respond. She wished she could call out, could get help somehow, she knew tears were pouring down her face, even as the highlighter colours lit up her eyelids, slashing through the dark like lightning.
As another bout ripped through her she cried out. The sobs worked their way up her throat, unbidden, unwanted. As she started to sob, she vaguely heard the door burst open. Hands were on her shoulders, forehead, cheeks.
“Darling, what’s wrong, OK, OK, I’m going to pick you up alright?” Strong arms were wrapping themselves around her torso and knees, the movement forcing knives of pink to erupt in every cell of her body. She wasn’t sure what was going on, as the arms started to jostle with every step he was taking. “Shhhh, it’s alright Rache, I’m here, we’re going to get some help alright?”
She scrunched her eyes shut as they walked through the front door, the all too familiar feeling of nausea rising in her throat. She leant forwards, desperately trying to not get it on Hotch, but knowing she wasn’t going to be able to keep it in.
“Rache what – oh shit, alright it’s alright, I got you, let it out”
His hands were trying to stroke her arms as he awkwardly held her in front of their place, desperate in his attempts not to drop her. She could feel the featherlight brushes as they held her but was too distracted by the lime green which accompanied nausea and vomiting. That was a new colour to her regular paint palette of a sensory system. Groaning she leant back against Hotch’s chest, sniffing and trying to wipe her face. Her throat was burning, stomach cramping, and the god forsaken pink was the strongest it had ever been. She didn’t want to think what she looked like right now.
As they reached the car, she felt rather than saw as Hotch helped her buckle up. Her head was lolling against the head rest, the darkness taking over more of her sight the longer she looked. A particularly forceful stab of pink made itself known, her back arched and it was like her breath was caught inside her. She didn’t know anything except the pink, it was touching every inch of her body, from her head to her toes, and concentrating on her stomach. Her lips were parted in a silent scream, then as quickly as it had happened, it passed. She flopped back into the seat, exhaustion in every muscle.
“Rachel, hold on OK, we’re nearly there. Oh god, just we’re nearly there alright my love? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”
The words drifted to her in blobs, fading as the black took over everything. As she drifted in the black, she could feel occasional things coming through to her, arms braced around her body, a sharp sting in her elbow, voices talking above her – their words indistinct. Then like all the times before, the orange came to her rescue, it wrapped its arms around her and carried her to a resting place. She smiled to herself, at last she was saved. If only she could stay in it’s arms forever, she knew that orange was temporary, a lover who leaves before dawn, the snow in spring, always around just long enough to admire, but gone before you’re ready to part ways.
Like always, she awoke to the sunrise, the orange giving way to hues of pink, until she could open her eyes and the bright lights of a hospital room pierced through.
“Hotch?”
Her hand automatically searched his out, the panic settling in when she couldn’t find it. At that her eyes snapped open further, taking in all four corners of her hospital room before realising he wasn’t there. His jacket was over a chair, and he had left his phone on the bedside table.
OK, he won’t be far, probably gone to get coffee, or talk to the doctor right?
Even as the thought crossed her mind she could hear his quiet step making its way closer. She had spent years listening to his footsteps as they echoed across precinct linoleum, and more recently as they echoed through hospital rooms.
His face peered into the room, obviously expecting her to be asleep still. When he took in the sight of her looking at him a relieved smile crossed his face as he let out a breath.
“Hey sleeping beauty, how you feeling?” he had crossed the room to hold her hand.
“What happened? I remember being in the car, and then its all kind of a blur, well kind of, it’s like somebody turned all my senses down.”
“You had a cyst burst, but it was a significantly sized one this time. They’ve had you on a morphine infusion for the last hour or so, but they weaned it off so they could ask you some questions”
It was almost a good thing that the morphine was still there in the background, swirling amongst the pink. It helped to dull her emotions a little. Prevented her from getting too overwhelmed by the fact that she had been struck down by something as banal as a cyst. She got them frequently, and while they hurt when they burst she’d never had such a visceral reaction to it before.
“And they’re sure it was just a cyst?” her teeth started worrying her lip as she thought it through.
Hotch’s hands grasped hers as he took his seat next to her. How many times had they sat in these exact positions before it had become his seat? How many times had she been the one stuck in a hospital bed relying on him to help her with even the most basic of functions?
“As sure as they ever are about anything – press your call bell lets let the nurse know that you’re awake” even as he said the words, he was reaching behind her to press the call bell on the wall. As they waited for the nurse in charge of her care to come in, Rachel avoided Hotch’s eyes, instead she looked around the room in brief glances as she twitched her toes and bit her lip. She couldn’t help but be tense in hospitals, they seemed to bring out the worst in her. They had this magical quality where they could make her feel like she was about 2 feet tall, and had lost her voice. Especially after everything that had happened in the recent months with her last doctor.
Before that thought could sink its claws into her, a small Filipino nurse made her way into the room, pressing the cancellation button as she smiled down at Rachel. “Yes my love, it’s nice to see you awake! What can I do for you?”
Rachel looked at Hotch, a subtle shake of her head and he was taking over.
“We were wondering what the plan is from here, treatment and or discharge plans?”
“I don’t know right now, you’ll need to wait for the team to come visit you on rounds tomorrow morning. But until then its just pain management, speaking of I’ll go get you some Tylenol – you’re due for a dose about now”
She tried to get the words out, tried to say she needed something stronger than Tylenol for this pain. But it was like her throat was holding onto the words. She hated this feeling. The panic rising inside her, the green tints to her ever evolving canvas of colour. As the nurse made her way out of the room she grabbed Hotch’s hand. Squeezing tight with her left hand as her right came to press against her abdomen.
“Fuck!” the expletive was the only thing that could make its way through gritted tongue.
While the stabbing pain tore through her, blinding her, she could feel Hotch’s hand in hers. Gripping tight, holding her there, reminding her she wasn’t alone. As the pink softened to more of a pastel, and she could open her eyes again, she took a breath. Her whole body flooded with the relief of being given oxygen again.
Hotch looked down at her, concern etched into every feature. “Rache, what do you want to happen right now? How can I help you?”
“I just want to go home; I don’t want to be here anymore. I hate it here” Everything was too loud, too sore, too bright, too much. She could feel the band-aids holding her IV in place, pulling her skin taught every time she moved her arm. Could feel the scratchy blanket under her legs, hear her heart rate monitor beeping. It was all just too much for her.
Hotch could see the impending signs of a panic attack and started trying for damage control. He gently pulled her hair out of her hands where she was gripping it, and then holding them loosely at her sides prompted her “What are 5 things you can see right now?”
“You, uhm a blanket, I don’t know a foot? Does that count? I can see my IV in my fucking elbow…”
“Hey, don’t focus on that right now; OK? We can get them to change it once she’s back. But for now, we need one more thing you can see. Something not attached to your body, OK?” his voice was purposely low and calming. Trying to help Rachel ground herself back down.
“I can see the door? Right? And now, now its 4 things I can hear.” Rachel continued to work her way through the exercise. By the time the nurse came back with the Tylenol she had calmed down a little, enough that she asked for her IV site to be moved.
“It just makes me feel claustrophobic when it’s in my elbow. I can’t deal with this right now, please just switch it to somewhere else. Somewhere that’s not on a joint.”
“I can’t do that I’m sorry, it’s still working so we don’t have a good enough reason to take it out. Try not to think about it” With that she handed the Tylenol over, watched Rachel swallow it and then left before they could ask any more questions. Quick as a flash she was reaching up for the cannula in her arm, removing the Band-Aids and pulling it out of her arm before pressing down on the now bleeding wound to try stop the blood.
“Rachel! What, babe you can’t…. OK are you OK?”
“They’ll have to move it now”
Rachel could see the exasperation in his face, flickering there for the briefest of moments before it was hidden again. She knew she made a bad patient, knew she made life hell for everybody every time she was admitted. She hated that that’s what she did, but she didn’t know how to turn it off.
“Alright, if I leave you to go talk to the doctors are you going to rip out any other medical devices while I’m gone?”
“Not going to make any promises, you know me babe” she smiled up at him, already feeling a little bit more relaxed now that the IV was out of her elbow. Her eyes drifted shut momentarily as Hotch walked out of the room.
Next thing she knew, Hotch’s unmistakeable footsteps were waking her up followed closely by others she couldn’t recognise. As she peered blearily around the room, Rachel took stock of the cohort of doctors entering the room. It seemed like there were about 5 of them all standing in a semi-circle around the foot of her bed. The first of them, a grizzled older male, with salt and pepper hair and a face set to boredom, spoke.
“Rachel, sorry to wake you but your partner here wanted us to talk to you about the plans for your discharge. Now I’m not sure what’s going on but I don’t think it’s a good idea to discharge you right now, as we’re not sure what caused such a big pain flare and you’re still requiring pain medication quite frequently. So you’re going to be here for at least another day, but while we’re here I’m just going to examine your abdomen.” He made to lift her gown before Rachel jumped into action.
She scooted herself up the bed further, clutching her gown down her legs shaking her head. As her brain started to fixate on memories and thoughts she’d rather not have in this situation.
“No thank you. I uhm I need a female staff member to do the examination.” Her voice wavered as she asked. Even now, months later she hated having to ask for this, hated that she needed to have these special considerations. Hated the inevitable follow up question.
“Can I ask why? I’m the senior physician here, and it would really be better if I looked.”
“I well I was uhm sexually assaulted by a male doctor a few months ago. And I just I can’t” She fixed her eyes on the off white blanket, tried to identify any kind of pattern in the weave, anything she could do to take her mind off what she was saying, what she was doing.
“I mean it’s a bit inconvenient, and I mean it’s not even like I’ll be looking down there, it’s only your stomach”
Rachel inhaled sharply. This was not the first time this conversation had gone down like this, but after everything else today she couldn’t deal with it like she normally could. The floodgates opened, and she could feel the tears pouring down her face as she chanted “no, please no, I can’t please, just no, no, no” by this point her knees were under her chin, with her face pressed into the tops of them. She couldn’t make herself any smaller than that, black swirled around her, interspersing the collage of colours. She wished she could make it all disappear. Wished she could disappear.
She didn’t even notice as the doctors left the room, until she felt hands on her shins, causing her to jerk her face up so fast it was surprising she didn’t get whiplash. When she saw his face though, she was able to relax. Let his arms slowly snake their way behind her back as he pulled her into his chest. As they sat on the bed, with Hotch awkwardly holding her against him and whispering softly to her, she did her best to take the emotions and bury them somewhere deep inside her. She could deal with them at another time, could take them out and examine them like jewels when she had better control of her actions and mind. But for now, she needed them to stop. Needed her brain to be quiet. It was not something she did often, but she focussed on the pink. Brought it to the forefront of her mind, tried to see the complexities within it. Every minute detail, where it dipped deeper in colour, where it resembled faces or shapes, until it was a singular thought. As she pulled it forward she could feel it stabbing into her, feel the claws more keenly than she had before. Her breathing slowed, this was a pain she knew. This was something she was comfortable with; what was the saying? Better the devil you know?
She pulled her face away from her knees, resting it back against Hotch’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was oddly calming, being able to time her breathing with his. As she started to calm down, Hotch’s hands stilled in their stroking of her arms.
“Hey, you’re alright I’ve got you”
It was the first thing that had come through to her brain since the doctors’ words, it was the first thing she had noticed since the panic began.
“I wanna go home” she mumbled, wanting nothing more than to get away from this place. Go somewhere she was comfortable and able to process, and to manage herself. She looked up at his face, hoping she could convey just how much she needed to leave.
Hotch glanced down, and the sight of her tear streaked face almost broke him. “We’ll leave soon, OK? I’ll sign whatever we have to, to get you home.”
She closed her eyes again, watching the pink dance across her vision as Hotch pressed the call bell. From there it was a short conversation and some paperwork later before she was allowed to leave. She tried her best to ignore the dirty looks the doctors and nurses threw her as she made her way off the ward and down to the carpark with Hotch’s arm around her waist. Half carrying her, half supporting her out to the car. The drive home seemed much longer than the one to the hospital, but she supposed with the residual drugs in her system she wasn’t in the blinding pain she had been in earlier. Some small part of her brain realised that the way she reacted was over the top, that she should be able to have those conversations without freaking out. But it wasn’t anything she could deal with now. She took the thoughts and buried them beneath layers and layers of pink. It could have been a barbie dream house there was that much pink now. Every time a distressing thought popped into her train of consciousness she would take it, place it inside the locked box inside her chest, and smother it in pink.
They arrived back at her apartment, she tried to make her way to the front door before Hotch could catch up, but hadn’t gotten more than three steps before he had gently grasped her waist again and was guiding her into the house.
“Shower, couch, or bed?”
“Bed, I just want my own bed and to forget today happened.” Came her reply.
Together they made their way to the bed, and after some tablets from her pill case, she curled up with the heat pack and lay her head on Hotch’s chest again. Hotch’s hands came to card through her hair absentmindedly. He felt as she drifted off against him, the toll of the day catching up to her at last. As her body relaxed with sleep and the medication he couldn’t help but glance at his bedside table, the one that had unofficially been his since the very first time he stayed over. The one he knew Rachel never went into anymore. As he watched the way her eyelids fluttered on her cheek he couldn’t help but think of the little black box that was hidden under a wad of receipts. Of the diamond ring nestled there, waiting for its turn.