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As a priest, I’m used to hearing confessions. I’ve heard everything from “I’m in love with a married man.” to “I killed twenty people on the battlefield.” I get it, three hail Alears and you’re good. You don’t need to give me all the details on how good of an archer you are.
But sometimes, I get told something so insane, so utterly absurd, that I cannot handle it alone. For confidentialities’ sake, I won’t be naming names. But if you’ve ever confessed something so weirdly specific that anyone in your life could tell it’s you… maybe you need to come to church more often.
Here are my top five absurd confessions!
5: “I’m the Prince of Solm.”
Imagine you’ve known a guy for years. He’s attended your church since before you started running it, and you’ve been close friends throughout. He goes to confession every other week, never anything serious, he just wants a chat. But one day, he just drops his royal status like it’s nothing, then asks you to be his retainer.
This was reality for me, and I have never regretted saying yes.
4: “I feel sorry for you.”
You might ask, how can compassion be more surprising than a literal prince? Well, context matters. She was sorry for me because she thought I’d never be as good as her, never be as cute as her, never dance as well as her (lies). There was more, but I can’t repeat it all as this is not only in the top five most absurd confessions, it’s in the top five longest confessions.
It wasn’t even in my confessional hours, she just turned up to one of my preaching parties, had a little too much to drink, then started crying into my arms about how amazing she was.
I think the worst part was when she claimed she had a better wolf howl than me… and she was right.
3: “I’m just in here because it’s easy to observe others.”
Just so we’re clear, I have a set time in which I typically accept confessionals. When I am preaching and/or partying is not said time. However, when I notice a figure inside the confessional box instead of outside dancing, I would be blind to ignore them.
When I saw my friend peeking out from the box, I wanted to make sure that he was doing alright. Some people find the noise overbearing, and I’d never want to push anyone away from the faith because they feel uncomfortable. So I go to check on him…
And he says he’s enjoying himself. By watching everyone else from somewhere he cannot be spotted. Ok buddy, technically not a sin. But it’s a little weird, stand at the side with a half full glass like everyone else.
2: “I want to eat the Divine Dragon’s hair.”
I said I wasn’t going to name names… but what the fuck Bunet.
1: “I didn’t help an elderly man make popcorn.”
For context, I know an old man who loves experimenting with his thunder tomes. He claimed to my client that when his wife was alive, she loved the taste of thunder popped corn, and he needed someone to chuck the corn into the air. However, he stated multiple times that his aim isn’t the best, and there’s a high risk he’d hit my client instead. So he was turned down.
Now, that seems simple enough eh? A little unfortunate, but understandable.
However, it seems that this elderly fellow won’t let the issue go. Every time the two are together, no matter what the conversation, he’ll find some way to link it back to popcorn. I myself witnessed an incredible display of word association between mallow flowers and the cooked delicacy.
My client has started to have dreams about being shocked by thunder magic. He gets distracted on the battlefield whenever an enemy mage wields thoron. He’s had to abandon his own tomes out of fear, relying solely on his lance. He is haunted by this man.
Now you may ask, why don’t I step in to help? As a man of the cloth, I’ve built up quite a resistance to magic attacks. Well, I have. But the old guy refuses my offer, claiming it must be my client.
I’m at a loss of what to do.
If you have any suggestions, or just want to say some nice words, feel free to leave a comment below! Please like and subscribe for more Priestly News!