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Chapter Text

StarClan was too quiet.

After completing his trial, Ashfur was allowed to freely roam its endless meadows, forests, and marshes, stars glittering around his pelt and whiskers just like anyone else. But, Ashfur didn’t take any joy in his wandering. He'd seen the truth now, and he knew that the beauty of this place was just a sham to hide the emptiness beneath. Ashfur had been so naive when he’d first arrived, thinking this was paradise. But, that had been before he’d seen the corruption of StarClan in action. After all, they had put him on trial when he had committed no crime other than loving a faithless she-cat! Even if the forests were beautiful, how could this place really be perfect when the cats that inhabited it were so rotten?

And, their influence was everywhere, even permeating the air. It sapped away anything interesting, only leaving behind quiet, placid cats, fat on endless prey. This place may claim to be a Clan, but to still call these creatures ‘warriors’ was laughable.

Even Ashfur wasn’t immune to its power. At first, restless, angry energy fueled his steps, but as the days turned to moons, turned to seasons, the harder it came to summon any passion. 

But, as Ashfur’s anger at Squirrelflight for leaving him, at Hollyleaf for murdering him, at StarClan’s unfair, harsh judgment of him seeped away, nothing appeared to replace it. 

A hole had been carved inside him, and it couldn’t be filled. The beauty of the place couldn’t satisfy him. Neither could the bountiful prey, and no company was good enough.

Although, to be fair, many cats didn’t care to even speak to Ashfur, let alone keep his company. When he came upon gatherings of them, they all stared at him like he was some kind of intruder. Ashfur knew that they’d heard about his trial, and that many of them didn’t agree with the decision to allow him into StarClan. 

It frustrated him, but Ashfur wasn’t surprised that they knew about what had happened— it was almost impossible to keep anything private here. Although… that meant Ashfur had learned many unsavory things about others too. For one, it turns out that the real mother of the whelps Squirrelflight had raised was Leafpool— and the litter wasn’t just the kits of a medicine cat but half-Clan too! And, Leafpool wasn’t the only medicine cat code-breaker; the old furball Yellowfang had been the mother to the tyrant Brokenstar! And yet, cats like these deemed themselves worthy to judge him?!

If Ashfur had been able to make himself care anymore, his blood would have roiled that they were being so hypocritical and unfair. Especially when he hadn’t really done anything wrong— he’d been the one wronged by Squirrelflight and her kin.

Yet, even his former friend Rainwhisker hadn’t understood, and he’d voted to cast him out during his trial. 

Some time afterwards, Rainwhisker had come slinking up to Ashfur, wanting to ‘make amends’ now that they were ‘all in StarClan together.’ In response, Ashfur’s lip had just twitched up in a snarl. He hadn’t even bothered speaking to Rainwhisker, only stalking away. Even if most of his anger was gone, there was no forgiving his so-called friend for sentencing him to damnation.

Ashfur spent time with Brindleface instead. His mother at least cared about him— she was relieved he was here. But, she didn’t have much time to dedicate to Ashfur. She was always busy caring for his siblings who’d died as kits, as well as herding around Ferncloud’s litters.

One day, Ashfur lounged on the soft grasses, half-heartedly basking in a pool of sunlight as Brindleface wrangled the kits from a few fox-lengths away. 

“Have you made any new friends recently?” she asked.

At first Ashfur thought she was speaking to one of the kits, but when no response came for several moments, he glanced over and saw her gazing at him expectantly.

Ashfur frowned at the odd question. Why was Brindleface coddling him like he was some kind of new apprentice, fresh out of his first Gathering?

“…No,” he said slowly.

Brindleface blinked.

“Oh. That’s too bad.” Brindleface flicked her charcoal-grey tail-tip, enticing Larchkit to pounce on it. "There are plenty of cats for you to meet, you know, from all sorts of times. You don’t have to limit yourself to only cats you knew in life. Or even cats from ThunderClan. Everyone in StarClan is willing to make new friends.”

Not everyone.

Ashfur narrowed his eyes, recalling Rainwhisker’s betrayal, and the cold looks he’d even gotten from complete strangers he’d come upon in the woods. Even Shrewpaw— his own blood!— would barely look Ashfur in the eye when he stopped by to talk with Brindleface or the kits.

“What? Are you tired of your son spending too much time with you? Trying to get rid of me already?” Ashfur sneered.

Brindleface blinked hard, seemingly taken aback. But, an instant later, she rumbled a purr that came out a bit too loud and forced.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said, waving away his comment with a twitch of her ears. “I just want to make sure that you’re settling in well. That you’re happy, and you’re taking advantage of all the wonderful things StarClan has to offer.”

Brindleface went back to playing with the kits, but Ashfur didn’t miss the sheen of wariness that appeared in her expression every time she glanced over at him afterwards.

Grumbling to himself, Ashfur rested his chin down on his paws and closed his eyes.

After that, Ashfur spent less time with Brindleface. 

He knew that his mother loved him, but it was clear she didn’t trust him. It was difficult for Ashfur to be with a cat that he adored completely, while knowing she didn’t feel the same— that something was holding her back. It was a feeling he knew all too well. 

Anyway, it was better in someways to be away from his mother. Unlike her, Ashfur didn’t care to spend his afterlife surrounded by kits always mewling for his attention.

Ashfur drifted further and further into the depths of StarClan’s territory, finding its hidden hollows and whispering streams. They were peaceful places in which he could finally just exist, by himself. It gave him plenty of time to think at least.

No matter how much he thought, though, he couldn’t dislodge the emptiness in his chest. Until finally, one quiet day, it clicked in his mind, and everything made sense.

This feeling that plagued him wasn’t emptiness— it was longing. 

Ashfur stared out into the towering pines that sheltered this little clearing as the realization hit him like a falling tree.

He missed her… He missed Squirrelflight as dearly as if his heart had been torn out.

His feelings of anger and betrayal towards her had been like an endless storm of pouring rain, dimming the fires of his love. But now that the skies had finally cleared, he found that smoldering embers remained, and as more time passed, they were stoked back into a raging inferno. 

Despite it all, I still love Squirrelflight.

Ashfur jolted to his paws and out of his nest at the thought, his heart pounding with sudden energy and excitement. After so many moons of wandering aimlessly in StarClan, he had finally found his purpose again! He needed to be reunited with her. Every hair on his pelt ached with the desire.

Ashfur lashed his tail, his excitement swiftly dimming as instead frustration raked sharp claws down his sides. 

But, how could he reunite with her? Squirrelflight wasn’t dead yet, right? No, he’d surely know if she was here in StarClan with him. His love for her was so great, he’d probably be able to sense her very presence, without even needing to be told.

But, since Squirrelflight wasn’t in StarClan, how could Ashfur contact her? Was there a way that he could walk in her dreams? StarClan cats did that all the time, right?

Ashfur set out into the lush forest, his new purpose giving him the determination to figure it out. He padded through the quiet pine grove, and it wasn’t long until he emerged into a field full of StarClan warriors lounging about, chattering like starlings. Ashfur's gaze darted over the crowd, looking for any trace of a familiar pelt, and he quickly recognized one of the spirits as Yellowfang.

Ashfur’s shoulders tensed in disgust at the sight of her. It was the first time that he’d come across the old medicine cat since his trial. Although Yellowfang had been one of the cats to vote in favor of allowing him into StarClan, his view of her had shifted dramatically (and certainly not for the better) once he learned the truth of her relation to Brokenstar.

Ashfur was about to turn aside on instinct, but once he reminded himself of his greater purpose— reuniting with Squirrelflight— he found his paws reluctantly carrying him to her. No matter his personal feelings on Yellowfang, she had been in StarClan for ages— that must mean she had some kind of authority here. She should be able to help him.

Yellowfang was rasping her tongue through her dark grey fur, although Ashfur didn’t know why she even bothered. Even so-called “paradise” couldn’t stop her pelt from being hopelessly clumped and messy. As Ashfur’s shadow fell over her, she glanced up at him and her orange eyes rounded in surprise.

“Ashfur. It’s been a while,” Yellowfang rasped bluntly, raking a critical gaze over him. “What do you want?”

Ashfur’s neck fur started to lift in irritation at Yellowfang’s curtness, but he smoothed it flat again. Just because Yellowfang didn’t have a courteous bone in her body, didn’t mean that Ashfur had to stoop down to her level.

Ashfur dipped his head politely. “Greetings, Yellowfang. Are you doing well?”

Yellowfang snorted.

“It’s StarClan,” she drawled. “Can’t get sick. Can’t get hurt. I get to eat as much prey as I want and spend my days lying in a pool of sunshine. So yeah. I’d say I’m doing just fine.” Her gaze narrowed. “And, you’re interrupting my sunshine-lying, so just spit it out. I know you didn’t come over just to make lively conversation with me. So why are you here?”

This time, Ashfur couldn’t hide the slight scowl that formed on his face at Yellowfang’s rudeness.

“I was hoping you might be able to help me with something,” he said.

“What is it?” Yellowfang asked, her eyes half-closing and her mouth parting in a yawn as if she was only barely paying attention to him. 

Ashfur ground his teeth together, his frustration growing. This cat had broken the code and given birth to one of the most horrible creatures to have ever existed, and yet she had the audacity to act like he was wasting her time?!

“I was hoping you’d show me how I could walk in living cats’ dreams,” Ashfur said, managing to keep his mew even despite his bubbling irritation.

That caught Yellowfang’s attention. The full intensity of her orange eyes sudden seared his pelt as she stared at him.

“Only certain StarClan cats are allowed that privilege and only in specific cases,” Yellowfang said, her brow furrowing. “We don’t just walk into a cat’s dream all willy-nilly. There must be a reason for the visit.”

Ashfur’s ears pinned back.

“But how else will I be able to watch over the living?” he demanded. “Before I died, we were always told how our ancestors watched over us. Was that just a blatant lie?”

Yellowfang blinked, understanding dawning in her expression.

“Oh, so you just want to watch over someone?” she asked. “You don’t need to dreamwalk?”

Ashfur nodded, a bit of hope prickling him that she was finally getting it. Of course, he would prefer to walk in Squirrelflight’s dreams and actually speak to her, but since Yellowfang was so adamant about that being out of the question, Ashfur would happily settle for just being able to see Squirrelflight’s sweet face again.

“Yes,” he said. “I want to be able to watch over Squirrelflight.”

Yellowfang’s face suddenly hardened.

“No.”

Ashfur’s jaw fell open in shock.

“W-what?!” he spluttered. “What do you mean ‘no?!’”

“You know what ‘no’ means,” Yellowfang grunted, her ears flattening. “You can’t be allowed to watch over Squirrelflight.”

For a moment, Ashfur could do nothing but stare at her, stunned into silence. How could any cat be so cruel as to forbid him from watching over his greatest love?!

But then, once a few heartbeats passed, realization washed over Ashfur.

“Oh wait,” he breathed, giving his head a small shake. “You’re mistaken. You think I’m still mad at Squirrelflight, right? Well, you don’t have to worry. I’ve been doing a lot of introspecting lately, and I’ve forgiven her for everything. I just miss her now, that’s all.”

Yellowfang eyed him, her ugly, squished face even more wrinkled up than usual.

“No,” she repeated. “You’re still not ready. I can tell.”

Ashfur’s muscles coiled into knots, and he just barely stopped his claws from slipping out.

“What gives you the right to forbid me from seeing my mate?!” Ashfur hissed, his tail lashing.

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s the fact that you still think of Squirrelflight as your ‘mate!’” Yellowfang snapped, her fur bristling, but strangely, she softened just as quickly, taking to step forward to touch her tail-tip to his shoulder. 

“Ashfur, I voted to allow you to enter here because I believed that you are still a good cat who was simply misled by his heart,” Yellowfang murmured, her voice much quieter now. “And, so far, I’ve been proven right. You’ve been good here— happy. It won’t help you in any way to open up old wounds.”

Ashfur was about to shrug her tail off his shoulder, but she pulled away first before he could. Then without another word, Yellowfang turned aside and padded off, leaving Ashfur staring after her, fuming and alone.

The second time Ashfur met Yellowfang in StarClan, she was the one who sought him out. After his first conversation with her, he hadn’t had any luck figuring out how to dream-walk or even see the living world on his own, and so he’d retired back to solitude in his hidden glades and hollows, cursed to forever ache to see Squirrelflight but unable to do anything about it. 

Even from his most private corners of StarClan, though, Ashfur heard whispers of an upcoming battle— a fight between StarClan and the Dark Forest. But, Ashfur didn’t bother himself with thinking about it too much. He didn’t feel any strong enough allegiance to StarClan to stand with them. Without Squirrelflight, this place may as well be the Dark Forest anyway. 

Ashfur wasn’t sure when the battle actually happened, or if it even did, since he kept himself so carefully hidden away. But, he did know that nothing changed in his monotonous existence. 

That is, until Ashfur was in transit from one of his private spots to another when he caught a glimpse of Yellowfang’s grey pelt from the corner of his eye— unmistakably approaching him. For one moment, a wild jolt of excitement fizzed through him as he thought, maybe, just maybe, she’d changed her mind, and she’d teach him how to see Squirrelflight. But, then when his gaze finally made it over to her face, and he saw her stern expression, he knew that couldn’t be the reason she was here.

“I need you to come with me,” Yellowfang grunted, already turning aside and padding off in another direction.

Ashfur obeyed, but for the entire walk, Yellowfang was about as forthcoming as a badger, refusing to answer any of Ashfur’s questions about where they were going or what they were doing.

Ashfur was so fed up with her that he was just about to turn around and march off, (What could she do to punish him if he didn’t obey her anyway? He’d already passed his trial and entered StarClan, and there was nothing she could do about that.) but then they entered into a small clearing, and Ashfur suddenly noticed the uncomfortably familiar, dark silhouette ahead of them. 

He abruptly paused mid-stride, his tail bushing out. As Ashfur stared at the inky-black back, he swallowed hard, feeling the prickle of ghostly fangs tearing into his throat.

Yellowfang turned to him.

“Hollyleaf is here,” she growled as if he hadn’t already noticed. “She just passed her trial, same as you, so she has every right to be here as you do. Now StarClan is large, and if you both never want to see a whisker of each other again after this, then you can do just that. But, I thought it best that you both at least meet once now and clear the air. Better that than bumping into each other later, completely caught off guard.”

As if I’m not completely caught off guard now because you brought me straight to my murderer! Ashfur wanted to hiss, but he found his throat strangely silent and dry, strangling the words before they could reach his tongue.

Yellowfang motioned him forward again before she padded straight up to Hollyleaf herself.

“Hollyleaf,” Yellowfang said.

The she-cat turned, her bright green eyes immediately finding Ashfur before narrowing. Ashfur had been reluctantly following Yellowfang over, but when her gaze met his, he sudden found himself frozen again— although this time, it wasn’t from fear.

Have Hollyleaf’s eyes always looked exactly the same as Squirrelflight’s?

“Ashfur,” Yellowfang rasped, impatiently waving her tail for him.

Ashfur gave his ears a small shake to clear his head, and he closed the last few fox-lengths of distance between them. He did his best to also put on a stony look, silently hoping that he didn’t reek of fear-scent. He didn’t want Hollyleaf noticing how unsettled he was by her.

Yellowfang’s eyes flickered from Ashfur to Hollyleaf and back again.

“Ashfur, Hollyleaf,” she repeated. “I wanted you two to meet anew in StarClan. Of course, I never expect the two of you to be the best of friends, but you will have to tolerate each other both being here.”

Yellowfang looked directly at Hollyleaf. “Hollyleaf has told us how sorry she is for what she did.”

Hollyleaf dipped her head in silent agreement, although her green gaze remained as sharp as her namesake.

“And, Ashfur has spoken of how he regrets everything,” Yellowfang rasped, now glancing at him. “So let’s agree that the feuds and grievances of your lives are as dead and buried as the bones of rotting prey. They have no power over you now. Yes?”

“Yes,” Hollyleaf echoed, although the word sounded hollow to Ashfur’s ears.

“Yes,” Ashfur agreed.

Yellowfang gave a curt nod, apparently satisfied.

“Good,” she said, glancing at Ashfur. “Now you may return back to whatever it is that you do here.”

Ashfur swished his tail as he turned, striding away. As Hollyleaf’s unsettling scent faded behind him, irritation came to replace his fear, stinging at him as persistently as stubborn thistles caught in his coat.

Who does Yellowfang think she is?! Dragging me out here to come face-to-face with the cat who killed me? They seriously let a cold-blooded murderer into here? StarClan is even worse than I thought!

Ashfur was so caught up in his brooding thoughts that he almost didn’t notice the bright flame colored pelt, glistening with fresh starlight, that appeared in front of him as he pushed through a dense patch of undergrowth, until he almost ran right into him. Ashfur jerked his head up, his eyes widening in shock as he recognized the cat.

His old leader regarded him with a similar expression of surprise, although wariness also sparked in his emerald-green eyes. Ashfur simply stared at him, too stunned to speak.

Firestar is dead? When did that happen?

“Hello Ashfur,” Firestar said in a cooly polite voice. “…I must admit, I did not expect to see you so soon.”

Ashfur shuffled his paws, unsure of how to respond. Former titles of leader, or deputy, or even medicine cat usually carried little meaning to Ashfur now that they were all dead and in StarClan together. But, for some reason, it still felt awkward for Ashfur to talk to his old leader again after so many seasons apart. 

“I don’t usually spend time around here,” Ashfur muttered, staring down at his paws. “Yellowfang brought me over today.”

“Yellowfang…? Oh yes!” Understanding brightened Firestar’s gaze. “She did mention something about meeting with you and Hollyleaf and making amends. That’s where you just came from then?”

Ashfur nodded curtly, still avoiding Firestar’s eyes.

“So it went well?” Firestar asked.

Ashfur answered with another curt nod. He fidgeted, his paws itching with impatience. After so many days spent alone, he was quickly growing exhausted by all this interaction. Couldn’t Firestar just let him leave?

“That’s good,” Firestar meowed, gazing out into the forest behind Ashfur, totally oblivious to his desire to depart. “I’m waiting for Hollyleaf right now too, in fact. I’m glad that StarClan has been able to heal the old wounds between you two.”

“Yes,” Ashfur muttered. “But anyway, I should really get going…”

Ashfur moved to brush past Firestar but he only made it a few steps away before Firestar’s voice rang out again, his tone this time much more stern.

“Ashfur. One more thing.”

Ashfur’s claws almost slid out in annoyance, but he just managed to compose himself and turn to glance at Firestar. He was regarding Ashfur with slightly narrowed eyes.

“I know what you did,” Firestar said in a low voice. “About the fox trap. I was told when I got to StarClan.”

Ashfur’s stomach dropped, cold suddenly creeping through his veins.

Oh right… that’s why talking to Firestar felt so awkward. 

Firestar inclined his head towards him.

“But, I want you to know that I forgive you,” Firestar continued, his intent green eyes meeting Ashfur’s blue. “For that and for the fire. You are here, in StarClan, and I trust their judgement… so I forgive you.”

Ashfur kept his expression placid and his pelt smooth, but on the inside, he bristled.

Forgive me?! I’m not the one who needs forgiveness! I was only a victim! A victim of your daughter and granddaughter! I may have forgiven Squirrelflight for what she did to me, but that doesn’t mean that she didn’t deserve punishment!

Ashfur wanted to spit those words right into Firestar’s face, but he bit his tongue against them. There would be no use in making Firestar upset. His connections to established StarClan cats like Yellowfang meant he would be a powerful enemy.

So, instead, Ashfur just dipped his head to him.

“Thank you,” he muttered.

Ashfur finally turned aside and padded off, but on his way back to his secluded hollow, Ashfur ran into another unexpected cat.

“Ashfur!” a joyous yowl rang out.

Ashfur turned and spotted a grey-flecked pelt leaping over to him. Ashfur’s ears jerked up in shock to see his sister as Ferncloud nuzzled his pelt, purring loudly.

“Ferncloud?!” he meowed incredulously, a small ray of happiness breaking its way through the gloomy cloud that hung over him. “When did you get here?”

Ferncloud pulled her muzzle from his side, her eyes glowing.

“Just a day or two ago,” she said. “It’s been so wonderful! Seeing Mother, and Shrewpaw, and little Larchkit and Hollykit…” Ferncloud’s voice trailed off, and she blinked apologetically at Ashfur. “But I’m sorry that I haven’t sought you out yet. I was planning to, I promise. I just haven’t gotten the chance…”

Ashfur blinked, searching Ferncloud’s expression for any trace of deceit. Was it true that it’d been an accident, or had she actually been avoiding him? Did she, like Firestar, hear the rumors spread about him that framed him as some kind of villain? 

But, Ashfur only found earnestness in Ferncloud’s expression. She either hadn’t heard about it, or if she had, she knew her brother wasn’t at fault. Ashfur hoped it was the latter.

“It’s okay,” Ashfur said. “I didn’t even know that you were in StarClan. I just saw Firestar too. That was a surprise.”

Ferncloud nodded, a bit of grief entering her expression. “Yes. Many good cats came to StarClan alongside me.”

Ashfur’s brow furrowed. “What?”

Now it was Ferncloud who looked confused.

“Because of the battle with the Dark Forest,” she explained, tilting her head to the side. “You did participate in the battle with the rest of StarClan, right? Did I see you? I remember Longtail was there, and Whitestorm...”

Ashfur blinked, doing his best to keep the confusion he felt out of his expression. 

StarClan and the living Clans fought together against the Dark Forest? …In the living world?

Ashfur stiffened as a sudden appalling concept occurred to him.

No. No! No! I missed my chance to see Squirrelflight! Why?! Why did this happen to me?!

Ashfur’s belly started churning like he was going to retch. Misery swept over him in waves as he was sucked in by a whirlpool of despair.

“Of course,” Ashfur rasped, hoping the distraught emotions that he was unable to fully hide would be mistaken as simple grief. “But, I was near the edges of the fighting. I didn’t realize we lost so many.”

Ferncloud touched her nose to his ear.

“I know,” she murmured, her expression clouding for a moment before brightening again. “But, the Clans will survive, and ThunderClan is in good paws with Bramblestar and Squirrelflight.” 

Ashfur tried not to wince as Ferncloud said her name. The pain of having been so close to her and having her slip out of his grasp was too great at the moment.

“But, I do miss Dustpelt, and our kits,” Ferncloud continued, her expression becoming downcast again. “I hope they’re doing okay, without me…”

Ashfur frowned, the unfairness of it all gnawing at him. 

Ferncloud had gotten to live out a lifetime with her mate, and had only been separated from him for a day, but she was already complaining? Meanwhile, Ashfur had been apart from Squirrelflight for seasons and seasons, and he just missed what may have been his only chance to see her, until the time when she finally died. And, who knew when that would be!

Ashfur swished his tail, his frustration growing. He was the one who was really suffering here! If Ferncloud wanted sympathy, she could go cry to Brindleface.

“I’m sure they’re fine,” Ashfur said curtly, making Ferncloud glance up at him in surprise at his brusque tone. “Why don’t you go see Mother and your other kits. They’ll make you feel better. But, I need to go.”

Ferncloud seemed a bit confused by his sudden dismissal, but she dislodged it with a small shake of her head and touched her muzzle to his ear again, this time in farewell.

“You’re right, I should go see them,” she murmured, pulling away. “But, I hope we can talk more soon.”

Ashfur twitched his ears. The next time he saw Ferncloud, she’d probably be surrounded by her mewling kits— the exact reason he’d stopped spending so much time with Brindleface. But, it would hurt Ferncloud’s feelings if he so plainly told her that he didn’t want to see her.

“Sure,” Ashfur said.

Ferncloud’s expression brightened, and she began to purr again. “Take care, Ashfur.”

Ashfur dipped his head. “See you soon.”

Ashfur retreated to his private haunts and didn’t emerge for days and days. He was tormented by how close he’d gotten to being reunited to Squirrelflight, and yet the opportunity had passed him by, slipping through his claws like the wind.

The thoughts of what might have been agonized him. They kept him up at night, and made him fidget and pace during the day. He stopped eating. A cat didn’t need food to survive in StarClan, but his belly still felt hollow and empty. But, what was the point in continuing on in this cursed place without his great love?

Why had Ashfur missed seeing her? Missed the fight in the living world? Had StarClan— had cats like Yellowfang— deliberately kept him out of the loop because they didn’t trust him? The thought filled Ashfur with rage. 

But, even if he hadn’t gotten to go to the living world, why hadn’t Squirrelflight died alongside all the others? Why couldn’t she be here with him? Ashfur had been nothing but a good cat and a loyal warrior throughout his life. What had he done to be tortured so— not only in life but now also in death?

Ashfur did little else but think these things anymore. He barely slept. He didn’t take pleasure in anything. He never went out to sun himself or seek out friends to gossip. Ashfur just followed the thoughts until they took him in circles and tied him into knots. The one indulgence he allowed himself was that he continued to move, traveling from one of his hidden glades, hollows, or brooks to another, then another. He never stayed in one place for more than a few days, until he ran out of places, and then he started over again.

But, one day his private glade wasn’t as private as it used to be. As Ashfur approached the small clearing, framed by white-barked birch, he spotted a dark silhouette already crouching in the center of the glade. 

Ashfur tensed immediately at the sight of the intruder. A part of him wanted to march right up to them and demand that they leave his place at once, but another part of him kept him still and silent in the surrounding woods. That part of him found something eerily familiar about the figure, and it made the fur lift off of his spine. 

Ashfur’s stalking skills were a bit rusty, but he still remembered enough of his warrior training to check the breeze to make sure he was downwind before prowling up to the figure. Slinking through a patch of ferns, Ashfur finally got a clear look at the figure in the hollow, and the sight made him freeze in fear.

It was Hollyleaf. His murderer was crouched in the middle of his clearing like she owned the place.

Ashfur’s heartbeat began to race, hammering against his ear fur.

Was she here to ambush him? Was Hollyleaf trying to kill him, again? But, if that was her goal, this seemed like a rather mouse-brained way to do it— by sitting out in the open like that.

So then why was she here? Was she waiting for him for some other reason? But, it didn’t seem like she was expecting anyone. Hollyleaf wasn’t looking around. Her ears weren’t even pricked. She was just… lying there in silence, eyes glazed as she stared at nothing in particular.

Did Hollyleaf even know that this was one of Ashfur’s spots?

Ashfur blinked, the thought making him part his lips and draw the air over his tongue. Even he couldn’t find a trace of his scent here. It had been a while since Ashfur was at this particular place, since he moved around so much. Could it simply be a complete coincidence that Hollyleaf was here?

Still unsettled, but not quite as terrified as before, Ashfur backed away and vanished back into the forest without causing Hollyleaf so much as an ear twitch. He would just have to find a new spot for the day.

But, her intrusion continued. It wasn’t every time Ashfur went to move to a new spot that he found it already occupied by Hollyleaf, but it was often enough that it really started to grate on his nerves. Hollyleaf had somehow found several of his secret places and claimed them as her own. 

The question of ‘why?’ though, continued to plague Ashfur. Was she simply trying to be a nuance? If so, it was working, since Ashfur’s frustration grew a bit more each time he saw her.

One day, Ashfur finally had enough. When he came across Hollyleaf again, already perched on a large stone near a babbling creek, a powerful rush of indignation rooted his paws in place, stopping him from creeping off as he’d done each time before. 

He wouldn’t run from Hollyleaf anymore. This was his place. Hollyleaf was the one who could leave.

Steeling himself, Ashfur strode out of the undergrowth and into the open on the opposite side of the creek from her. Her gaze flashed to him immediately, her eyes widening in surprise for the briefest moment before narrowing in suspicion. Ashfur kept a wary gaze on her, making sure she wouldn’t do anything as he settled down into a crouch, tucking his paws under his chest. 

Neither of them spoke. They just stared at each other as if waiting for the other to make the first move. Ashfur busied himself with studying the color of Hollyleaf’s eyes and the stubbornness glinting in them— equal parts unsettled and enthralled by the ghost of Squirrelflight he found there. But, after several long, painful moments, Hollyleaf abruptly rose to her paws and whirled around, stalking out into the forest.

Once a few more heartbeats passed, and Ashfur reassured himself that she really was gone, he breathed out a sigh of relief and tension drained from his shoulders. He shook out his pelt, his skin flushed with victory.

I won!

Purring softly, Ashfur closed his eyes and took the first restful nap he’d had in days.

Ashfur never backed down from Hollyleaf after that. Instead, if he saw her already in the spot he wanted, he would wage a silent battle with her. He’d stride into the space as he’d done before, staring at her from the other side of the clearing until she finally gave up and retreated. 

His strategy worked until the fourth time, when Hollyleaf didn’t budge.

Ashfur’s stomach knotted as he met Hollyleaf’s eyes. Neither of them had yet spoken to the other still, but Ashfur could see the change in Hollyleaf’s attitude from the hardening of her expression. 

'I’m not scared of you.’

That day was a tense one. They both perched at the edges of the clearing, as if ready to attack or flee in a heartbeat, if necessary. But, Ashfur found the anxiety buzzing through his body to be a strange relief. Because his thoughts were all focused on the imminent threat of Hollyleaf, Squirrelflight hardly crossed his mind at all that day— only emerging briefly if Hollyleaf shifted or flicked her tail in a way that reminded him of her.

When the day ended, and they both went their separate ways unscathed, Ashfur felt oddly calm. His thoughts were also more focused than they’d been since he’d gotten the news about how he’d missed his chance at seeing Squirrelflight. Having Hollyleaf around to distract him made him forget his heartbreak, at least for a little while.

Could it be possible that she really didn’t mean to harm him?

Ashfur didn’t know what possessed him to return to that same clearing the next day. He could have gone somewhere else— anywhere else. There were plenty of options, and some of those places Ashfur thought Hollyleaf didn’t even know about, since he’d never run into her there before. But instead, he returned to the place he last saw her… some part of him maybe even hoping he’d see her again.

He didn’t that time, but he found her again only a few days later, and again she didn’t flee when he entered the clearing. Still, it took several more times of Ashfur running into her before he felt comfortable enough to not spend the entire time staring at her warily. He instead groomed himself or stretched, but he never felt compelled to do the things he normally did when he was alone, tormented by his thoughts. Not once did he pace or claw the ground or mutter out loud.

In fact, he and Hollyleaf still hadn’t spoken to each other at all. But, the silence between them now seemed more peaceful than tense. There was one time when Ashfur even glanced over and saw that Hollyleaf had her eyes shut. Her sides rose and fell in an even rhythm and her bushy tail was curled around her so it brushed her nose. She was napping— dead asleep— in his presence.

It was as if they’d come to a wordless, fragile truce— as long as neither bothered the other, they could coexist in the same location. Something shifted in Ashfur’s mind, and he began thinking of the places that Hollyleaf knew about as ‘their’ spots. Everyday he had to make a decision to go to one of his spots or one of the ones they shared. Plenty of times, he just wanted to be alone, but more often than he expected, he picked one of theirs, hoping to see Hollyleaf there.

He didn’t know what it was about her that… that… soothed him in a strange way. Yes, there were parts of her that reminded him of Squirrelflight, like her bushy tail or her sharp green eyes. But, it had to be more than just superficial similarities to his love that drew him to her— after all, Hollyleaf had been the one to kill him! That was a massive hurdle to get over. So why did Ashfur still find himself enjoying her silent company?

And, also why did Hollyleaf seem to like his in return? Did she too feel this strange connection between them? Hollyleaf could have left his spots at any point and found her own private places to exist in. But, she didn’t.

Ashfur’s mind returned to the question of why Hollyleaf had been avoiding the crowded areas of StarClan and found his quiet glades and hollows in the first place. Could it be that, like him, she felt like she was a misfit in StarClan? That the other spirits here were corrupt, selfish, and complacent? She had faced a trial as he had, but, unlike Ashfur’s, Hollyleaf’s trial had been for good reason— she’d murdered him! Still though, Ashfur supposed that in her head, she might view it as unfair. 

Ashfur found himself weirdly sympathetic to her feelings. The more time that passed in StarClan and the further he drew away from the time when he was actually alive, he felt more of his grievances with Hollyleaf fading away, echoing the way that he’d also come to forgive Squirrelflight.

It was still wrong of Hollyleaf to kill me. Like, how it was right for me to punish Squirrelflight, Ashfur thought. But, I don’t think that I really care that much anymore that I died.

One day, Ashfur and Hollyleaf found themselves back in the birch tree grove, the same one where he’d first encountered her.

Ashfur’s eyes were partially closed as he half-dozed in a warm pool of sunlight, drifting slowly in and out of consciousness.

“I’m not sorry for it, you know.”

After days upon days of silent company, at first, Ashfur thought he’d dreamt the sound of Hollyleaf’s sudden voice. But, when he blinked open his eyes and glanced over at her, finding her already glaring at him, her expression surprisingly fierce, he knew that she had actually spoken.

Ashfur’s brow furrowed.

“What?” he asked, his voice coming out raspy from disuse.

“I’m not sorry,” Hollyleaf repeated, her tone firm. “And, I want you to know that. When I got here, they asked me if I was sorry, and I said yes. And, it wasn’t a lie because I am sorry for a lot of things.”

Hollyleaf lashed her tail, looking more animated than Ashfur had seen her since she’d arrived in StarClan. “I’m sorry for hurting Squirrelflight, and Leafpool, and Bramblestar, and my brothers, and any other cat who cared about me. I’m sorry for leaving ThunderClan. I’m sorry for breaking the Warrior Code… But you? You threatened me and my family. I’m not sorry for killing you.”

Ashfur met her defiant, blazing green eyes, and their color and expression were so identical to Squirrelflight’s, it made Ashfur’s breath catch in his throat. 

“…I’m not sorry either,” Ashfur whispered, and his heart clenched in relief to finally say something entirely truthful for the first time in moons.

Hollyleaf gave a curt nod, looking away from him.

“Yeah. I didn’t think you were.”

Chapter Text

After that, Ashfur was imbued with a new sense of kinship for Hollyleaf. He knew for sure now what had been quietly growing in the back of his mind— neither of them truly fit in here in StarClan. They were both hollow cats, more wraith than spirit, wandering around the afterlife without purpose. But at least they had each other. Now that Hollyleaf had broken the ice with their first conversation, all Ashfur had to do was initiate a conversation of his own… he just had to work up the nerve.

But, before he could find the confidence to speak to her again, Hollyleaf suddenly wasn’t at any of their usual spots. Nor was she the next day. Or the next. Or the next.

At first, Ashfur tried the ignore her absence. There had been periods of time before when he wouldn’t see her for an entire quarter moon. But, as the days stretched on and turned from a quarter moon into a whole moon, Ashfur grew more and more antsy, and no matter how much he tried to reason with himself (Why should he let Hollyleaf’s absence bother him so much? He had been alone in StarClan for seasons before she showed up and intruded on his space. They weren’t even really friends) he couldn’t stifle the restless energy.

It just grew and grew, until one day he set out into the rest of StarClan to search for her. 

What am I doing? This is absurd.

The thought bounced around Ashfur’s head as he skirted the crowded meadows, sticking to the edges beneath the shade of the trees. The sight of so many cats in the rolling fields playing together, sharing tongues, or hunting made his belly clench and he ducked for the darkest shadows to hide. He hadn’t realized until now how much his isolation had made him so averse to crowds. 

Ashfur’s lip curled up in a look of faint disgust as his gaze skimmed over the numerous, varied colored pelts.

There are so many cats, but all of them are as feeble-minded as the rest— blindly following StarClan’s will without an independent thought. Why would I even want to be there, among them? They don’t understand me.

Ashfur knew that Hollyleaf wouldn’t be among them either. She knew better than the rest of them. She knew how much of a joke StarClan’s ‘perfect’ system really was.

But where could Hollyleaf be? StarClan was vast, and the chances of Ashfur just stumbling upon her was low (they had probably used up all that luck when Hollyleaf had somehow managed to find his hidden spots.) But, Ashfur had at least some inclination of where to look. Certain parts of StarClan resembled ThunderClan’s territory more than others. So, Hollyleaf would probably go there— a place where she felt at home— but avoid the more crowded areas.

Ashfur set out in that direction, and it wasn’t long until an expansive oak forest rose around him. The branches above his head rattled as squirrels raced across them, and birdsong upon birdsong layered on top of each other, echoing down from the canopy. But, Ashfur ignored the tempting sounds of prey. Instead, his jaws parted and he drank in the familiar scent of leaf-mold, acorn, and ferns, trying to tease the scents apart in order to find Hollyleaf’s.

He didn’t find hers, but Ashfur did recognize Firestar’s scent. Ashfur tensed, his tail flicking indecisively. He wanted to avoid seeing Firestar, or anyone but Hollyleaf really, but Firestar was Hollyleaf’s grandfather. Could she be with him?

Ashfur slunk through the bracken, the golden fronds curling over his head as he followed Firestar’s drifting scent through the woods. The sound of rustling ferns alerted Ashfur to an approaching cat, and he froze where he was under the fronds, hoping that his dappled coat blended in well enough with the mottled sunlight to keep him hidden. 

A wave of Firestar’s scent washed over him a heartbeat before Ashfur spotted his former leader striding through the undergrowth a few fox-lengths away. His head was held high and his gaze locked forward as he walked with purpose. But, he was unmistakably alone.

Ashfur felt a jab of disappointment, but he remained crouched in that same spot until he was sure Firestar had gone. Then he rose to his paws, a sigh slipping from his mouth. Ashfur turned aside, about to resume his search elsewhere when the sound of a high-pitched laugh drifted over to him.

Ashfur’s ears pricked and swiveled, focusing in on the noise. It sounded like a kit, maybe two, mrrowing loudly in amusement.

“Hey! Don’t bite my tail!” a faint voice responded to the kits, but its own purr of laughter rumbled under the words.

Ashfur’s eyes widened in shock as he recognized the voice.

Hollyleaf? Is that really her?

He turned and started padding towards the noises. As the kits’ purring grew louder, Firestar’s scent-trail wreathed around Ashfur, and he realized he was heading in the direction Firestar had just came from. But, now Hollyleaf’s scent was strong too, and her voice much clearer. It must be her. But, what was she doing here and with kits?

“Grrr I’m gonna eat you!”

Ashfur peeked through a patch of ferns into a tiny, cozy clearing, circled by ferns and oaks. The clearing was well-shaded by the trees’ branches, allowing a blanket of soft, dark green moss to grow on every knobby root in the ring. In the center of the clearing was Hollyleaf, crouched down with her tail sweeping from side to side. Her fangs were bared in a mock-snarl as she faced down one dark tabby kit and one ginger one. The kits were squealing with laughter and attempting to scramble away from Hollyleaf, but they weren’t getting far on their stubby, clumsy legs.

“I’m a big mean fox!” Hollyleaf growled, batting for the tabby kit with a gentle fore-paw. “And, I’m mad at you for biting my tail!”

“Can’t catch us, fox!” the ginger kit squeaked, running around Hollyleaf.

“Can too!” Hollyleaf retorted, darting for her.

Ashfur tensed as he realized that Hollyleaf and the kit were headed right in his direction. At any moment, they may spot him. Ashfur took a sudden step back, but that was swiftly proven to be a mistake when Hollyleaf went stock-still, her eyes flashing in his direction. 

Ashfur’s thoughts whirled. Had she spotted him yet? Should he just run? He had come here looking for Hollyleaf, but finding her with these strange kits… It was weird. And, besides, he doubted Hollyleaf would like that he was spying on her.

“Come here,” Hollyleaf called the kits in a low tone, her eyes locked on Ashfur’s patch of ferns.

The kits had still been running and purring, oblivious to Hollyleaf’s sudden shift in attitude, but the sound of her serious voice snapped them to attention.

“Huh? What’s wrong?” the ginger kit asked.

Hollyleaf didn’t answer. She just gathered them up, wrapping her tail around them to pull them tight to her side, her eyes never once wavering from Ashfur’s fern patch.

Ashfur ground his teeth together in frustration. There was no mistaking the fact that Hollyleaf knew he, or someone at least, was there. 

He might as well come out now before Hollyleaf pounced on him and killed him a second time.

Fox-dung.

“Who is it?” Hollyleaf yowled, her gaze searing the undergrowth around Ashfur.

As calmly as possible, Ashfur slipped out of the ferns, careful to keep his pelt smooth and his body language non-threatening. His eyes quickly met with Hollyleaf’s.

“Oh,” she said as she recognized him, but her tense posture didn’t change. “What are you doing here?”

Ashfur stared at her.

Looking for you.

But, it didn’t feel right to speak it aloud. Instead, Ashfur just shrugged, hoping to put on an air of indifference. Like he hadn’t really been spying on her.

“I was just passing by,” he meowed.

Ashfur nodded to the two kits peeking out between the clumps of her dark, spiky tail fur, their big eyes round with curiosity.

“Who are they?” he asked.

Hollyleaf blinked once, and her gaze was finally drawn away from him, flickering down to the two kits.

“This is Juniperkit and Dandelionkit,” she said, her tone softening. “They’re my little siblings.”

Ashfur’s brow furrowed, disgust building in him.

Siblings? Leafpool broke her medicine cat oath again? Why has that she-cat not been kicked out of ThunderClan yet?!

Hollyleaf must have sensed his confusion, since she explained. “They’re Squirrelflight and Bramblestar’s kits.”

Ashfur’s belly lurched as if the ground had suddenly collapsed out from under him. He blinked hard a few times, replaying Hollyleaf’s words in his head.

Squirrelflight had kits? With… with Bramblestar?

“Firestar is caring for them mostly, but he’s busy a lot of the time with important StarClan stuff, I guess…” Hollyleaf continued. “So I offered to help him.”

“Oh,” Ashfur said dumbly, staring at the kits as they peered over Hollyleaf’s tail. “I didn’t know Squirrelflight had any kits.”

But, now that Hollyleaf had pointed it out, he could see the family resemblance. Juniperkit looked like a mini Bramblestar in a way that made Ashfur’s stomach turn, but Dandelionkit… she was ginger like Squirrelflight. Although, she was a pale ginger, closer to how Sandstorm looked, than the rich, deep auburn color of Squirrelflight’s pelt. Regardless, though, she still had those vibrant green eyes, the exact shade of Hollyleaf’s… and Squirrelflight’s.

Hollyleaf tucked her tail more tightly around the kits, now almost completely covering them in her dense fur and cutting them off from Ashfur’s view.

“Actually, Squirrelflight did have three kits from an earlier litter, if you can’t recall,” Hollyleaf said, a hard, sardonic edge appearing in her voice. “Anyway, is there something you want?”

Ashfur’s eyes were finally pulled back up to her. She glared, her gaze as sharp as thorns, but Ashfur just blinked at her. There were thousands of feelings swirling in his head and his heart— hurt, heartbreak, loss… but he couldn’t put concrete words to them. All that he knew for sure was that coming here— looking for Hollyleaf— had been a huge mistake.

“…No,” Ashfur muttered, turning around to head back the way he came.

As Ashfur pushed his way through the dense patch of ferns, he heard a high-pitched kit voice suddenly squeak out from behind him.

“Who was that, Hollyleaf?”

“His name is Ashfur,” Hollyleaf responded evenly.

Then her voice suddenly dropped to a much quieter hiss, although Ashfur was still near enough to make out her final words.

“Stay away from him.”

Solitude after Hollyleaf was far worse than it was before her. The little bit of company she had offered Ashfur had whetted his appetite and now his desire to be with a cat who truly understood him burned even brighter than before. He had just been fooling himself to think that Hollyleaf could have been that cat. Hollyleaf was nothing more than the cobweb he could press to the wound to slow the bleeding. But, no matter how many cobwebs he used, it didn’t change the fact that he was still terribly injured, that his heart was torn out… 

He needed to be reunited with Squirrelflight. It was the only thing that would make him whole again.

But, Ashfur had already exhausted every attempt to see or contact her while she was in the living world. So he was left with no other option than to just be patient.

Ashfur existed, but he did little more than that. He existed, and he waited, and he waited… for moons and for seasons. But he learned from his past mistakes. He knew now that he couldn’t cut himself off from StarClan completely— that was how he had lost his first opportunity to be back with Squirrelflight. He had to keep an ear out so he knew when his next chance would come. 

Ashfur tentatively reconnected with Ferncloud and Brindleface and was relieved that they welcomed him back readily. They became his tether to the rest of StarClan, updating him when old clan-mates died. Ashfur listened with interest when they told him that Sandstorm had finally arrived in StarClan, but there was no news about Squirrelflight joining her.

But, then the time finally came. 

Ashfur arrived to see Brindleface and Ferncloud, and they greeted him with the news that the Clans were in conflict with this strange group of she-cats called the Sisters. There had been a fight, and Squirrelflight and Leafpool had been killed in a landslide.

So much joy filled Ashfur at the wonderful news, it felt like he might burst. He wanted to leap and yowl his happiness to the sky, but he resisted the urge, although he couldn’t stop his tail from trembling in excitement.

“Where are Leafpool and Squirrelflight now?” he asked, blinking at Ferncloud eagerly.

“Well…” Ferncloud’s voice trailed off, and her ears flattened a bit awkwardly.

“They’re going to have a trial,” Brindleface broke in as Ferncloud shot Ashfur an apologetic look.

Ashfur blinked. He knew that his StarClan trial was a sensitive subject for him, but he didn’t know why Ferncloud was acting so awkward about it. Squirrelflight and Leafpool had legitimately done wrong, unlike Ashfur. 

Although, Ashfur hoped with every hair on his pelt that Squirrelflight would pass her trial, so they could be together. But, if she didn’t…

Well I guess I’ll just have to figure out how to get to the Dark Forest.

“I really hope it goes well for them,” Ferncloud fretted. “Leafpool and Squirrelflight are good cats, and Firestar and Sandstorm are so worried… No cat deserves to have their family torn apart like that.”

“Yeah. I hope so too,” Ashfur murmured.

Brindleface’s careful gaze skimmed over him.

“You really want StarClan to go easy on them?” she clarified.

Ashfur blinked at her, taking in her slightly wary expression.

“Any quarrel I had with Squirrelflight or Leafpool has long been over,” he said earnestly. “That prey is killed and buried.”

Brindleface’s eyes brightened, and she dipped her head to him.

“I’m very glad to hear it,” she murmured.

“Has it started yet?” Ashfur asked, fidgeting from paw to paw. “The trial?”

Brindleface blinked thoughtfully. “Maybe not. They just arrived.”

Excitement and energy surged through Ashfur’s pelt. That meant he may still have time to see her before it began.

“I’m going to go there,” he said. “I want to welcome them into StarClan.”

“I’ll come with you,” Ferncloud meowed, rising to her paws. “It’s been far too long since I’ve seen them.”

A part of Ashfur rebelled against the idea of Ferncloud tagging along when he wanted Squirrelflight all to himself. But, Ashfur was in too good of a mood to really protest his sister. Instead, Ashfur took off without another word, sprinting the entire way there. His paws were so light it almost felt like he was flying through the trees. 

Finally, at the edge of the forest in a flower studded meadow, Ashfur spotted a distinctive auburn pelt, and his heart soared. 

Squirrelflight!

But, she wasn’t alone. Ashfur began to slow as he noticed the large group of cats milling around Squirrelflight. He and Ferncloud apparently hadn’t been the only ones with the idea to go greet them. 

As Ashfur’s pace petered out, Ferncloud passed him and dived into the crowd without hesitation, meowing greetings. Ashfur continued to linger on the fringes, his gaze skimming over the cats. There was, of course, Firestar, Sandstorm, and Hollyleaf, along with those two kits. But, Ashfur also recognized Cinderpelt, Sorreltail, Mousefur, and Longtail there, although there were a few unfamiliar faces in the crowd too. Ashfur’s fur prickled uneasily. Even for these cats that he knew, Ashfur hadn’t spoken to some of them in moons, if at all, in his time in StarClan. Would they reject him if he tried to approach?

But, then the crowd parted, and Ashfur finally clearly saw her. 

Squirrelflight looked just as beautiful as he remembered. Her dark ginger fur swayed slightly in the breeze, and her gorgeous green eyes were bright as she spoke to her friends and family. Ashfur’s heart thudded hard against his ribs, and regardless of his fears, he found himself drawn to her like a moth to a flame. He was completely helpless against the pull.

Ashfur padded closer, entering into the crowd, but his tail flicked uncertainly when he noticed that Hollyleaf had approached Squirrelflight and Leafpool and was speaking to them now. He should probably wait his turn, right? 

Suddenly, Squirrelflight’s eyes flashed right to him, and Ashfur’s heartbeat briefly stuttered. Squirrelflight’s expression was guarded when her gaze met his, but that didn’t bother Ashfur. After all, she might still think that he was mad at her. All he had to do was talk to her, and that would straighten everything out. 

Warmth filled Ashfur from nose to tail-tip. There were so many things he wanted to say to her, but right now, there were too many other cats around for them to have a proper conversation. He would just have to be patient for a little bit longer.

Ashfur dipped his head deeply to Squirrelflight before his attention was drawn over to Hollyleaf. She was regarding him with an even gaze. He hoped that she knew he also harbored no hard feelings for her, even though their time of companionship in StarClan had ended so abruptly. None of that mattered now. Squirrelflight was here, so everything was wonderful.

Squirrelflight nodded once at Ashfur, her gaze intent on him, and his heart leapt in joy. Despite the hesitance that lingered her expression, it was clear that she still harbored feelings for him, just as he did for her.

Ashfur retreated to the edge of the crowd to wait. He knew that Squirrelflight and Leafpool would likely start their trial soon. Sure enough, he saw Firestar speak to the two of them for a moment before leading them away, back into the forest. The rest of the crowd trailed behind and Ashfur shadowed them. Once their trial was over, he could finally properly speak to Squirrelflight.

Even though Ashfur had done so much waiting, this last little bit was by far the most agonizing. He was so close. He could taste Squirrelflight’s scent on the breeze. Every breath of it made him light-headed and giddy, and he felt almost delirious with happiness whenever an image of him and Squirrelflight here in StarClan together, forever, formed in his mind. It was all within his grasp now. Squirrelflight just had to pass her trial. 

Squirrelflight and Leafpool were taken into the undergrowth so their trial could proceed privately. Ashfur paced anxiously on the outskirts of the crowd as he waited and waited. Then after what felt like eternity, the panel of StarClan judges finally emerged. Ashfur immediately spotted Yellowfang among them, but it was Bluestar who spoke.

“We have found Squirrelflight and Leafpool worthy of entering StarClan.”

Cheers and happy yowls broke out from the crowd of friends and family, and loud purr burst from Ashfur’s throat. He rose to trembling paws, dizzy with joy. Now he could finally go properly talk to Squirrelflight, and they could start the rest of their afterlife, together.

“Ashfur.”

Ashfur jolted. That wasn’t Squirrelflight’s melodic mew. Rather, it was an unpleasant, rasping one which he found unfortunately familiar. Ashfur turned to Yellowfang, his eyes narrowing as she approached him. She jerked her chin towards the side, and Ashfur reluctantly followed her into the undergrowth and out of the sight of the crowd.

“What do you want?” Ashfur snapped, his lip curling up.

He was tired of being polite to her and getting nothing but rudeness in return. And, now she seriously had the audacity to interrupt the most important moment in all of his time in StarClan?!

Yellowfang turned back to him and lashed her matted tail.

“I could ask you the same thing,” she growled. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“What? Don’t be absurd,” Ashfur scoffed. “Squirrelflight is here.”

“I know.” Yellowfang locked him in a stern gaze. “You need to stay away from her.”

A wordless hiss burst from Ashfur’s throat.

“You old raggedy mouse-brain!” he snarled. “You don’t have to worry; I’m not mad at her anymore! I’ve been trying to tell you that for seasons!”

“I don’t care that you’re not mad at her, idiot!” Yellowfang snapped right back, shoving her muzzle so close to his, he could smell her rank breath. “This isn’t about that! But, Squirrelflight is a temptation for you. You’ve been doing so well, and I don’t want you falling back into bad habits!”

Ashfur glared at her, his shoulder fur bristling as fury surged through him. 

Who does Yellowfang think she is?! My mother?!

Ashfur blinked, noticing for the first time what seemed to be an expression of genuine worry glimmering in Yellowfang’s orange eyes. Did this old sack of fleas seriously believe that she was looking out for him? Was she treating him like her kit?

Ashfur’s fury grew, taking on a tinge of disgust.

But I’m nothing like her son, Brokenstar! How dare she compare me to that kit-killing tyrant!

“You can’t keep me and Squirrelflight apart forever,” Ashfur hissed through clenched fangs. “We will be together in StarClan for eternity now.”

Yellowfang’s harsh gaze narrowed to slits.

“…You don’t know?” she asked.

Ashfur lashed his tail. Was Yellowfang mocking him?

“Don’t know what?” he snapped.

“Squirrelflight isn’t dead,” Yellowfang growled, her gaze searing him. “Not really. Her body is badly injured, so her spirit has come here, for now. But, her body still may recover and she may return to the world of the living.”

Ashfur’s eyes widened, his stomach dropping down to his paws. If Squirrelflight was only in StarClan temporarily, it was even more important that he spoke to her now, while he still had the chance.

But, in addition to his sudden dismay, Ashfur also felt a prickle of curiosity.

“I didn’t know that a spirit could leave a still-living body,” he muttered.

Yellowfang shrugged. “It’s not unlike when a leader loses a life. But, it doesn’t happen that often to cats who aren’t leaders. The body must be balanced just on the verge of life and death.”

Ashfur’s eyes narrowed. “What’s her body doing in the meanwhile?”

Yellowfang snorted.

“Lying in a nest, of course,” she drawled. “A body can’t just walk around without a spirit in it.”

Ashfur’s brow furrowed as an intrusive thought popped into his mind.

Does that mean any spirit could go into Squirrelflight’s body now? Or can only her spirit return to her body?

“Anyway though,” Yellowfang growled, interrupting his musing. “Stay. Away. From Squirrelflight. Got it?”

With that, Yellowfang whirled around and padded off. Ashfur glared after her, his indignation growing. There was no way he would obey Yellowfang’s orders, but it was now clear to him that he would have to be much more careful with how he went about speaking with Squirrelflight— now that he knew there were cats still hellbent on keeping their love apart. What if Yellowfang told Firestar or Hollyleaf to help her keep Ashfur away from Squirrelflight? 

Worry mounted in Ashfur’s belly. His best chance would be to approach Squirrelflight when she was completely alone, which meant… 

Disappointment locked Ashfur in a vice grip.

More waiting.

Ashfur shadowed Squirrelflight and her family for a few days. He did not try to directly approach them, but he did keep an eye on them, waiting for his time to get to Squirrelflight. Her family brought her and Leafpool to a sandy ravine that reminded Ashfur a lot of ThunderClan’s old camp. Thankfully, several other former ThunderClan warriors hung out there too, meaning Ashfur’s presence didn’t seem that out of place. 

Hollyleaf was there a lot too, which surprised Ashfur. Even after he learned that she was spending time with Squirrelflight’s kits, he’d assumed that she was doing so in more secluded areas. But, now she seemed rather well-integrated and comfortable in this group of former ThunderClan cats. 

It reassured Ashfur somewhat. If they had accepted Hollyleaf, a known murderer, maybe Ashfur showing up here suddenly wouldn’t phase them, even with the nasty rumors about his trial.

Still though, Ashfur was careful not to appear to be putting pressure on Squirrelflight or her family. He kept to the edges of the ravine and made himself leave on hunts with Ferncloud and Dustpelt every so often. If Yellowfang, Hollyleaf, or Firestar was watching him, he wanted to appear as disinterest in Squirrelflight as possible.

It’s just until I can talk to her. He reminded himself when it felt like his heart was being torn in half as he left Squirrelflight behind in the ravine again when he went with Dustpelt on yet another hunt. Then once we declare our love for each other, nothing will keep us apart! 

Once Ashfur and Dustpelt were out in the woods, Ashfur split off from him to hunt, hoping to finish quickly. Once he was done, he could go back to the ravine to see if Squirrelflight was still there… if he could find the place. Ashfur was not very familiar with this part of StarClan since these highly populated areas were exactly the sort of places that he’d done his best to avoid most of the time.

But, luck seemed to be on Ashfur’s side that day. He didn’t even have to find his way back to the sandy ravine since the sweet smell of Squirrelflight’s familiar scent caught his attention as he hunted near the border between the woods and the flower studded field. Ashfur’s heart leapt at the taste of her scent, and he immediately abandoned the squirrel he was hunting to track her down instead. 

Could this finally be the chance he’d waited so long for?

Ashfur slipped out from under the trees and into the field. He slunk through the tall green grass, keeping himself low and hidden. He reached the edge of a shallow dip into a hollow and stopped there at the crest, his tail flicking in a mixture of excitement and annoyance. He could see Squirrelflight at the bottom of the slope, standing at the edge of a clear pool, but she wasn’t alone. Sandstorm, Firestar, Hollyleaf, and Leafpool surrounded her.

Ashfur strained his ears, hoping to hear what they were saying, but he could only make out the sounds of their meows, not their words. He couldn’t creep any closer though. The slope here was too exposed, and he’d surely be spotted. 

Instead, all Ashfur was left with was just watching them interacting. They all seemed a bit distressed for some reason— their tails flicking and their ears twisted back. But they finally seemed to calm down when Squirrelflight stepped forward, touching her nose to each of theirs in turn. After Squirrelflight pressed her muzzle to Leafpool’s, their touch lingering together the longest, she finally pulled back. Squirrelflight turned aside and stepped forward, into the shallow pool.

Ashfur’s ears jerked up in shock as Squirrelflight suddenly dipped beneath the surface as if the water had swallowed her up. Then, with a shimmer of starlight so brilliant it made Ashfur’s eyes burn, she simply vanished. Despite the stinging, Ashfur’s eyes flew wide, and he desperately scanned the bank with his gaze.

What?! Where did she go?

Ashfur’s heart pounded harder than the drumming feet of a rabbit, and he dug his claws into the ground to stop himself from sprinting forward and searching the area for her. He couldn’t come out of hiding yet. Squirrelflight’s family was still crowded around the pool, gazing into the water and murmuring quietly among themselves. 

Ashfur flexed his claws impatiently, his stomach churning as they slowly drew away from the pool and padded away. After Leafpool’s tail finally vanished over the crest of the far slope, Ashfur was finally able to burst from the grass and hare down the shallow hill to the water.

Where is she? Where is she?!

He frantically scoured the gently lapping waves with his gaze, even splashing into the water, but the pool was clearly— painfully— empty.

No!

Ashfur staggered back out of the water and collapsed to the ground with a groan, burying his face in his paws. Pain ripped through his chest like razor-claws. Where had Squirrelflight gone? Had he really missed his only chance to speak to her, again?!

The sound of a faint, muttering voice made Ashfur lift his face up. He scanned the fields of grasses and flowers around him, his shoulder fur bristling as he readied himself to snarl at the intruders.

How dare they interrupt the moment of my greatest sorrow and pain!

But, no one appeared around Ashfur. Instead, an achingly familiar mew responded to the first voice, and Ashfur’s gaze flashed towards the source of the noise— back towards the pool.

Ashfur’s breath caught in his throat as he noticed that images had formed in the water’s depths. He caught a glimpse of Squirrelflight’s dark red fur and her bright green eyes.

Hardly daring to breathe, Ashfur crept closer to the edge of the water, the rippling images becoming clearer. Ashfur recognized a sandy wall with cracks that held bunches of herbs and mossy nests made up for patients. It was the ThunderClan medicine cats’ den, and there was Squirrelflight, curled up in a nest with Bramblestar draped over her. He'd been hearing their voices. 

Ashfur’s heartbeat thumped in his ears as loud as thunder, understanding dawning on him. Squirrelflight was no longer in StarClan at all. Her spirit had gone back into her body just as Yellowfang had warned may happen.

But, how did she do it?

Ashfur was jerked out of his thoughts as Squirrelflight’s voice echoed in his ears as clearly as if she was in front of him.

“I love you too,” she said in a soft, tired mew.

Ashfur’s heart clenched so hard, it hurt. He leaned down towards the image of Squirrelflight in the pool as if he was being tugged towards her by some kind of massive, invisible paw. 

“I love you too,” he whispered. “I love you so, so much.”

Squirrelflight looked crystal-clear, as if she was only a few tail-lengths away. Ashfur was almost close enough to taste her sweet scent (and rip damn Bramblestar aside so he could take his rightful place by her.) But, when Ashfur’s nose suddenly made contact with the cool surface of the water, he snapped back to reality, pulling away and giving his head a hard shake to dislodge the droplets from his muzzle.

He needed to focus. Narrowing his eyes, Ashfur swept a critical gaze over the pool, and fiercely told himself to ignore Squirrelflight’s image for now. What was going on here? How was this pool showing him Squirrelflight? And, was it the reason that Squirrelflight had been able to return to her body?

Ashfur rose to his feet and paced around the edge of the pool to investigate. As he walked, the image of Squirrelflight and Bramblestar followed him in the water. It was almost like the pool was taunting him by showing him the cat he wanted so badly, but not allowing him to speak to her.

Ashfur froze mid-step, the realization shooting through him like a lightning bolt.

It’s showing me the cat I want…

This must be how StarClan spirits watched over their still-living loved ones and kin. This was the place Yellowfang had refused to take him ages upon ages ago. 

Ashfur’s claws raked across the ground, a loud, rumbling growl building in his throat.

“Yellowfang,” he spat the name like a curse.

It had again been her interference that had kept him from speaking to Squirrelflight while she’d been in StarClan. At every turn, Yellowfang and the rest of StarClan had done nothing but make Ashfur’s suffering worse!

White-hot rage washed over Ashfur at the injustice of it all, and he embraced the emotion like a long-lost friend, opening every part of himself up to it. It’d been so long since he’d last felt that burning, righteous anger, but it had been his constant companion in life. Now that they had finally been reunited, maybe it could give him fuel for a purpose once again. 

Ashfur had allowed StarClan to get away with all of this for far too long. He had followed each of their petty little rules, keeping his paws in line, letting them dull his emotions and senses… and for what? He had gained nothing. Not once had Ashfur been rewarded for his obedience. All he wanted was Squirrelflight, and they stole her away from him, again and again.

Ashfur lashed his tail, snarling at the pool and the blossoming fields around him. They were a perfect illustration of StarClan and everything he hated about it— beautiful on the outside, but torturous on the inside, allowing you to see the cat you love, but keeping them just out of your reach.

But, with great self-control, Ashfur swallowed back his snarls and growls, bundling them up in his chest and pressing down on them until they transformed from burning fury to icy determination. 

Ashfur wouldn’t be as foolish and petty as he’d been in life by trying to get revenge on Yellowfang, or even StarClan as a whole. No, he had enough wisdom and perspective now to know that they didn’t matter. All that mattered was reuniting with Squirrelflight… but if Ashfur had to tear StarClan apart piece-by-piece to reach her, then so be it.

Ashfur sharpened his mind on his task.

Maybe I’ve been thinking about this all wrong. For seasons, I’ve been waiting for Squirrelflight to die and come to StarClan... but what if I went to her instead? Squirrelflight was able to leave StarClan as a spirit and come back to life. Maybe I can leave StarClan too.

Ashfur’s ears flattened as he encountered the obvious flaw with that plan.

But what can I do in the living world as a spirit? Nothing. Squirrelflight had a body waiting for her to return to, but my body is just rotting bones in the ground…

The image in the pool flickered, drawing Ashfur’s eye again. Bramblestar was curling more tightly around Squirrelflight, and Squirrelflight gave a drowsy purr in response, leaning deeper into his flank. 

Ashfur eyes narrowed in disgust as his gaze focused on Bramblestar, but then, after a few moments, Ashfur relaxed. A soft purr even started rumbling in his throat, echoing Squirrelflight’s. 

From the darkest recesses of Ashfur’s mind, an idea had begun to emerge.