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SEPTEMBER 25TH
I do not know how to start journal entries, as I have never written them in my life, forgive my ignorance.
Ah, and I am talking as if this piece of paper is animate.
Doctor Seteth said it helped however, and I will take his word for it.
Today I feel invigorated. Much better than yesterday or the days following the incident. I feel myself more attached to my emotions, and empathy does not evade me.
But I always wonder, will the pain ever truly go away?
I do not know if I want it to, or if I wish for it to vanish completely. It is a conundrum of thoughts I do not want to subject myself to.
I count seven voices today. Mother, Father, Glenn, Rodrigue, Edelgard, My grandfather and a woman’s voice I have never heard before.
They shout at me, repent me. I deserve every second of their complaints, I was incompetent enough to let them die on my watch.
Perhaps one day I will allow myself to indulge in this world in silence.
- D
SEPTEMBER 26TH
There is a new patient.
I have not heard much about her, but from what I’ve been told, she is from Remire.
On to other news, I worry that the food is poisoned in this institute, the chefs let me look over the meal, and didn’t flounder when I asked what ingredients they were putting. It is nice to see how my food is cooked, lest I be poisoned.
I’ve only seen the new girl a few times, she has not left her room, but amidst my strolls through the halls, I’ve seen her through her open door only a few times. Her head always faces away however. She has an abnormal hair color, green like the grass in the fields of the hospital.
For some reason, I feel the need to talk with her. She looks lonely, all by herself staring at the wall.
She’s like a doll.
That is rude, I apologize. She is not an inanimate object.
I count seven voices today.
I wonder if she checks her food for poison too.
- D
SEPTEMBER 27TH
Doctor Seteth suggested I go out a bit more. But I fear that there are people out to get me. I do not deserve the light of the sun.
Last night I had a dream, it involved Me, Ingrid, Sylvain and Felix. Actually, it was more of a memory than a dream.
We were children, very young children. Sylvain and Felix wanted to compete together and climb a boulder, see who could get to the top faster. Ingrid kept persisting that they don’t, because injuries were prone. But they didn’t care and went ahead anyways. I merely watched them in excitement. Sylvain ended up falling that day, broke his arm and Felix was bawling his eyes out. Ingrid was also in a state of panic, so I had to go and get Glenn. It was a mess, but it was a fond mess.
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time.
What is the meaning of life? Why must we let the past haunt us like this? Why must the voices carry the same tone and timbre as those who died under my watch.
I am pathetic.
And now they hate me.
I remember, the day it happened, Felix looked at me like I wasn’t even human. Sylvain was in shock and Ingrid wept. They kept pointing at me, they kept yelling at me, but I don't remember what I did.
It must have been something terrible.
The air smelled like copper.
I count ten voices today, Ingrid, Felix and Sylvain are added.
I deserve it.
- D
SEPTEMBER 28TH
The girl can sing.
I walked by her room again, not intentionally of course, that would be indecent of me.
But I stopped in my tracks, when I heard her voice.
It is lovely, like a songbird. Angelic, if I had to describe her melody. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise, and a chill ran down my spine.
I wish to call out her name, yet I do not know it. I wish to walk over and ask her to sing more.
But I do not deserve the peace, so I walked on.
There are four voices today
I wonder why
- D
SEPTEMBER 29TH
I cannot get her voice out of my mind.
I keep humming the song, in distant thought. Doctor Seteth asked me where I heard it from, I lied and said it was a song from childhood.
I do not know why I lied.
I keep blanking out today, I find myself on one side of the room and next minuet I am in my bed. The voices are persistent and loud, I did not eat my food, it is probably poisoned.
I did however go outside today. Only for a bit. It was nerve wracking, but no one came. I thought I saw Glenn, but after a while I realized it was an illusion.
I wonder if that girl is also an illusion.
I wish to see her face.
I count ten voices today.
-D
SEPTEMBER 30TH
Doctor Seteth says he worries for me.
I don’t understand, worried over what?
Father tells me every night that he wishes I burned with him. And sometimes I wish I did too. That way nobody had to worry about me, no one has to share my burden.
I’m a monster, I’m twisted, I’m sick.
I’m everything Felix called me that day.
I wish they just left me.
I wish they didn’t find me.
Then maybe I would’ve gotten what I deserved.
No, I deserve something worse than death.
My hands are shaking, I do not know why.
I can’t feel anything, is that normal?
I count ten voices in my head.
-D
SEPTEMBER 31ST
What is the purpose of living?
Going through day by day, torment by torment. My mere existence is a hinder to society. Why should I breath the air that another person deserves? Life is bleak, there is no color in this world, I find myself at a loss.
Today we had a group therapy session. Many of the members talked about what they have waiting at home for them. They drew pictures of their family. Of what they wanted most in life.
I sat with a pencil for two hours, and my page was still blank.
It was embarrassing, to witness everyone around me do better, they deserve it more than I do. I broke the pencil twice, snapped in half. Even the caretakers are scared of me.
I mutter too much apparently. The girl next to me looked positively frightened.
I wonder how the angel is doing.
Is she singing again? Is she still staring out the window?
Will she join us?
I hope so.
I hear seven voices today
- D
OCTOBER 1ST
I saw her outside today.
I was nervous about going out. Truth be told I didn’t even want to. But Doctor Seteth said it would help a lot to face my fears, so I did.
I sat under a cherrybark oak tree, the soil was dry underneath me and didn’t stain my clothes. The lake nearby was soothing, and for a second I could only hear father.
And then I saw her.
She sat underneath the maple tree, a few meters away.
She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
Under the shade of the foliage, her hair is fluffy like the clouds. Her eyes are bright as well, almost the same color as her hair. Her skin is pale and smooth and her lips are full. I could see the apples of her cheeks, and the hollow bags underneath her eyes.
She looked peaceful, I dare not interrupt.
Although, I so desperately wish to learn her name.
Perhaps another time.
And I might ask her to sing.
I hear seven voices today
They all tell me I’m foolish.
And maybe I am
-D
OCTOBER 2ND
She paints today.
I watch her from afar, she seems to be painting the bush opposite her. Her fingers are deft and skilled, a well honed artisan if I do say so myself.
I cannot taste my meal today, but the therapist said my taste would come back to me eventually. With time and healing of course.
I wonder if she can taste food as well.
Or if she is like me.
Why is she here?
-D
OCTOBER 3RD
Her name is Byleth.
Byleth Byleth Byleth Byleth, I could say that name all day, and I would never get bored. A beautiful name for a beautiful woman. Befitting.
I talked to her today, for the first time.
I do not know how the courage came up. But it was a shot in the dark, a sudden spontaneous idea.
I introduced myself, and she looked dully at me.
But I did not mind, I saw no emotion, she did not speak at first. But after a while, she said her name.
“Byleth.”
It sounded so sweet, the melody of her voice, I wish to hear it forever.
We sat in silence, observing nature.
I watched her draw.
Byleth, Byleth Byleth Byleth.
I hear no voices today.
Only hers, her sweet, gorgeous voice.
What is this feeling?
-D
OCTOBER 2ND
We sit together once again outside. Doctor Seteth commends me for my ‘courage’ to go outside. I do not see any trouble with it, why would I be scared of going to the gardens?
Byleth plants a flower today. It is a beautiful thing, filled with life. She tends to it with care, like a mother to her offspring.
We don't talk much, she isn’t talkative. I do not mind however, I enjoy her companionship, and merely sitting by her side is enough to make me feel like the world is just a bit better. I want to hear her sing again, but I’m afraid I will make her upset.
I don’t ask why she’s here, instead I bring up about her hobbies I have observed. She told me that her father taught her how to plant, and that he was a man who could kill hundreds but cradle a baby in his arms with the delicacy of the wind. Her expression never changed, but she spoke fondly of the memories.
I wish to make her smile one day.
Glenn sat in front of me, I asked if she could see him, she shook her head but didn’t speak ill of it, nor did she look at me aghast, like I was crazy for insinuating there was a person watching us that she could not perceive.
She asked his name, I told her. She told me it was a wonderful name.
Glenn smiled, and so did I.
I count four voices today.
And hers, a beautiful melody in my sleep.
– D
OCTOBER 3RD
Byleth joins our group therapy session.
A woman always seems to sit by her side. Talking to her in a hushed voice. I itch to know what they talk about, but I do not pry.
We drew again, this time we could create whatever we wanted. I left my page blank once more, unsure of what to even do. There are too many possibilities in this world, I could not simply choose one thing.
Byleth chooses the spot in front of me.
She draws me.
She is talented, deathly talented. The picture is absolutely stunning, her skills are impeccable. She gave me the paper after the session was finished, she said that I looked peaceful. Like a flower.
I have the drawing with me, I fold it up neatly and put it on the table beside my bed. I trace the graphite and the scribble of her name at the corner.
I wish I could draw her, but no amount of penmanship could ever capture her beauty.
What more is she capable of?
I wonder
I count four voices today.
– D
OCTOBER 4TH
It’s like a stab through my chest
The pain is unbearable, I feel my head aching, my vision swimming. The world around me is too small, I feel alone, isolated, the shadows around my body move, dancing around me. Mocking me, for the monster I am.
Ingrid visited today.
I was surprised, happy even. None of my friends ever visited me. And even if she still looked fearful, even if she looked pale, and hesitant to go near me, and requested to be behind glass, I was still grateful for her presence.
It started off normal.
I don’t remember what she spoke of, something about Sylvain breaking up with another woman, of Annette kickstarting her business, and Dedue’s letters she handed me like I was some dog that would bite her fingers off if she held them out for too long.
And then I mentioned Felix
And then she turned quiet.
And then my world shattered.
“He's in the hospital” She said, refusing to elaborate. But it was enough for me.
It was enough for me to realize that no matter how much they say they’ll ‘help me’ how many reassuring words about my ‘progress’ no matter how many people pitied me, and voted in favor of my shipment to the ward, I knew deep down nothing would change.
I am still a monster.
It is my fault.
Everything is my fault.
I hate it all, I hate the world, I hate myself, I hate the constant banter, the screaming and yelling in my head that never goes away.
It reminds me, everyday, of who I really am.
Glenn blames me, he tells me Felix is dead because of me. Is he dead? He probably is, I killed him, there’s blood on the walls, on the floor, on my hand.
I want to gauge my other eye out with this pen.
I don’t deserve to see the world, I don’t deserve to live in it.
I count twelve voices today.
They’re all right.
I am worthless
-D
OCTOBER 5TH
They’ve probably poisoned the food again. I refuse to eat it.
Doctor Seteth is upset, I don’t care.
I want to go out, and see her again, but I don’t deserve her. She can’t be around a tainted monster like me. She’ll only be cursed. I’m cursed, everyone who touches me, who’s around me, gets hurt.
I’m pathetic.
I’ll lay in my bed for the rest of the day.
Edelgard’s screams echo through my head.
What have I done?
–D
OCTOBER 9TH
Byleth visited me.
Why, why why did she visit me?
What worth does she see in an insect like me?
I don’t know how she knows my room number, I don’t know how she managed to gain access to my room. She has a key, but I don't ask her where she gets it from.
I don’t understand why she held me, I broke down, I screamed at her, I lashed out. But she didn’t even flinch. She showed no emotion, and suddenly it all came crashing down.
Her embrace was warm. Like a blanket. I cried like the pathetic trash I am, and she held me like I was her world.
Why is she here?
In the depths of the night, I awoke once more.
To the sound of her voice, that beautiful singing voice.
Like an angel.
For the first time, I heard no voices for an hour.
It was silence, her singing echoing through the small room.
I dare not interrupt.
And I fell asleep.
Why does my heart feel this way?
Why does it race, why does it threaten to leap from my chest?
What is this feeling?
—D
OCTOBER 10TH
We sit under the same tree once again. And she makes a flower crown.
I’ve only read of them in books, I’ve never seen them in reality. I do not know how she does it, but I was too shocked to even conjure up such a question when she laid it upon my head.
Is this how it feels like?
When the prince meets the princess? When the climax is resolved? When the lovers reunite after a brutal war?
Love? Is that what I feel?
I don’t know, I fear that I can’t.
I cry, I cry in front of her, in broad daylight, under the tree, with a flower crown on my head.
I tell her she’s beautiful.
And oh, oh goddess
She smiles
It’s so beautiful, I felt myself lose track of time. I stared at her, it was as if the town that shut down deep within my mind lit up into glimmers of life and light. It was as if she tumbled into my world and splattered gold paint all over the papers and canvases I always left blank during my sessions.
I get it now.
I get it all
I hear three voices today.
–D
OCTOBER 11TH
Today she sings for me
I asked her, albeit hesitantly. She was surprised (Her eyes grow wide just a bit, and her lips part) but nevertheless she agreed.
It was like the ocean meeting the sand, like the sun setting upon a late evening day. The jewels on a crown, the melody to the silence, the burning violin.
I danced with her, as she sang.
On the patch of grass, black shoes and dirty clothes. Her tangled hair, my fingers weaving through. Her hand in mines, her face on my shoulder.
If life is a tragedy, she is my remedy.
–D
OCTOBER 12TH
I get a notice.
Felix is alive.
Sylvain visits this time. He is not the person I remember.
His eyes are hollow, he smiles at me, but his voice is strained, and he seems angry.
I would be too.
I blank out after he starts talking about what happened. The voices direct my attention elsewhere. I find myself thinking of Byleth, of her smile, of her beauty.
I don't realize Sylvain has left until the doctor tells me to get up.
How strange
I can’t remember anything after that.
– D
OCTOBER 13TH
I tell Byleth.
I tell her about my troubles, not it all though. She insists she is fine. And her expression never wavers. She looks at me, with those gorgeous eyes, and she tells me I’m not crazy.
Can you believe it?
Me, a sinner, a psychopath, a monster- a murderer. Not crazy.
I don’t know if I should’ve laughed or cried. But I think my silence was enough to tell her what I truly felt.
She didn’t back down on it though.
We sat in comfort once more, shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart.
Speaking of heart, she tells me she doesn’t have one.
Which was, absurd. But then she told me it was figurative. She told me she didn’t understand why others reacted the way they did. Happy, sad, angry, disgusted. She said she avoided talking with people for so long, she hated them in fact.
I asked if she hated me, and she told me she doesn’t.
For a moment, she looked conflicted.
And then she thanked me
“Thank you Dimitri. I don't know what this feeling is. It’s weird. They said I was a monster for not crying at my father’s funeral. But whenever I’m with you, I forget about it all. I feel like the world isn’t monotone, I feel like you light up my mind, like the colors on my pencils.”
I love her.
Goddess I admit it. I love her.
I’m a fool.
-D
OCTOBER 14TH
Byleth smiles again
And again and again and again.
I tell her she looks beautiful, and she smiles. I tell her I love her drawing, and she smiles.
I remember, the day I saw her sitting under the tree.
And now I see her, filled with joy.
The voices have stopped. Not all the time. But from time to time, whenever I am with her, I don’t hear them anymore.
Some of my memories came back.
I remember streetlights. I remember sirens. I remember blood, so much blood.
I will ask Doctor Seteth tomorrow.
Why does Felix hate me?
Why do they all hate me?
Why is Glenn dead?
What did I do?
Why do I see blood every time I blink?
Why can’t I taste, why do I hear them in my head?
I look at the drawings Byleth gave me. Her gifts bring me comfort.
I can’t stay like this forever.
I want to get out of here. With her.
I want to show her the world, I want to see her smile again and again and again.
–D
OCTOBER 15TH
I tell her that I have feelings for her.
We’ve only known each other for so long, I don’t know how these feelings fester so ardently.
She looked puzzled, but then she told me she’d try.
She told me that she wants to love me.
Am I a fool? For accepting her? She takes my hand, but I feel at a loss.
Nevermind that. She said yes.
She said that she’d live with me after we both discharged, she told me she wanted cats, dogs, animals, she wanted a garden, she wanted to paint.
I told her I would follow her to the ends of earth.
She didn’t say anything, but we danced.
That is all I need.
Do I deserve this? This happiness? Do I deserve her love?
I don’t know anymore.
–D
NOVEMBER 2ND
I haven’t written in a while.
I apologize. Do you even feel anything? Understand? Probably not. You’re a piece of paper.
I find myself without time to write. Byleth occupies my every thought. I spend my days with her until the sun dies down, until the moon rises and we are forced to part. Then, she sneaks into my room late at night, to cradle me and sing me to sleep.
The voices have gone down significantly.
And I have gotten the answers I need.
It is my fault, everything is my fault. I told Byleth it all. The accident, my foolishness, the car crash, Glenn. I told her about the attempt of my life, of my gauged out eye, of my threats to my friends, my sister’s betrayal, her self inflicted death. I tell her and I pour it all out.
She doesn’t leave me, she doesn’t walk away. She holds me close, and tells me it’s okay.
She tells me I’m better, she tells me that Glenn wouldn’t have wanted me to suffer. That it wasn’t my fault.
I want to believe her. But the voices tell me otherwise.
She is lovely, I do not deserve her.
But I do think she deserves someone to love, I do think she deserves happiness.
And if it is me that she needs. I will be by her side.
I might not write for a while.
I count four today
–D
NOVEMBER 10TH
Byleth is discharged first.
She is a different person than when I first met her. She is livelier, still expressionless, but I can sense that new emotion that makes her features glow, even on the darkest nights.
She promises that she’ll wait for me.
Tonight, she is not with me.
But I still hear her singing
And I hope
I hope for another chance
I hope that when I walk out, she is there to greet me.
–D
NOVEMBER 11TH
Dear Byleth
My love, I am one week away until I am in your arms again.
I miss your touch, the smell of your hair, the smoothness of your skin, the symphony of your voice. I have been tending to the flower you grew, it has bloomed into a beautiful plant.
The doctors have deemed me stable enough to be put back into society. I have talked with Sylvain again today, and he seems less exhausted. He says Felix is out of the hospital! And he’s feeling much better!
Father has been persistent as of late, but I have not forgotten what you said, I talked back. He kept repeating the same thing again and again, but after a while it died down.
Thank you Byleth. My Beloved.
I will wait for eternity, if it means I can be with you again.
- Dimitri
NOVEMBER 12TH
Dear Byleth
I ate my food today, I hope you’re proud of me.
I drew today also, I drew you. Even though the picture isn’t as lovely as yours. Your presence has inspired me, has given me hope for a better future.
I never thought about what I would do after the hospital, I always figured I’d rot in here until my time was up. But then you came into my life, and everything changed.
I hope you are well, Beloved
-Dimitri
NOVEMBER 13TH
Dear Byleth
I miss you
I sit at our spot. Where we used to sit everyday. Where we would talk about the most absurd things.
Remember when you told me a story about your father attempting to bake? And he nearly burnt down the house because he set the timer to 10 hours instead of 1? It was the first time I heard your laugh, I’ve never been more in love.
I wait for you, always, Beloved
-Dimitri
NOVEMBER 14TH
Dear Byleth
I remember the stories you told me, about your scars. About how you got each and every one of them. I don’t think I’ve ever told you about the scar on my cheek.
You always seemed to brush it with your fingers. Curious, but not able to ask. I wanted to tell you, but my memory is terrible and I keep forgetting.
I got it when i was younger, playing with Ingrid, Felix and Sylvain. A fond old memory, when we were children. I played swords with Felix while Sylvain cheered us on and Ingrid tried to discourage us. Felix was vicious, and dare I say he must have been a knight in his previous life. I was so in awe with his movements, I didn’t notice how he swung the sword directly at my face and ended up cutting a large gash into my skin.
I got into trouble, scolded by Rodruige and Father. But it was worth it in the end.
I wish to introduce you to my friends. Sylvain would love you, Felix would too. Ingrid is not so… Accepting towards people like us, but she will cave in due time.
I do hope that I can mend my relationship with them, although it will take time.
I will do it for you, anything for you.
–Dimitri
NOVEMBER 15TH
Dear Beloved
I am being discharged earlier than expected! Tomorrow!
I have never felt this much excitement before. We will reunite once again, I will be able to hold you outside the cold walls of this place. My sanctuary, you are the light of my life.
The places I wish to take you. Oh I would revel in your smile and sweet gaze.
I miss you, I miss everything.
We could travel to Adrestia, or Leicester . Or even out of the country, to Brigid or Dagda. There was a girl in our therapy group from Brigid, it sounds like a wonderful place you would enjoy. Lots of greenery and plants and places to paint.
I hope you don't mind all the waiting.
– Dimitri
NOVEMBER 16TH
This is my last entry
Although I would’ve addressed it to Byleth, I think I should wrap everything up. I will be leaving this journal here, I have no use for it anymore.
I don't think I would’ve ever imagined my life to turn out like this, especially with all the chaos and tragedy in the world I live in. Hope felt so far away for someone like me, someone who didn’t belong.
And then I met her, and it all changed. For the greater good.
I’ll think of this as me letting go, letting go of it all.
Because even flowers can bloom from the plains of war.
Goodbye.
-Dimitri