Work Text:
My breath caught when I realized what happened. She stared back at me, just barely conscious. It wasn’t supposed to go this way.
— — —
Guilt. That’s what I felt. Absolute, unmitigated guilt. I knew it wasn’t intentional. It was a reflex, something uncontrollable. But it happened.
I glanced at Shin. He hadn’t left the hospital in days. He insisted on staying with her, only leaving to get his school work for the week when she was first admitted. He hadn’t slept well, that much was clear, but who was I to judge? He was young, irrational, and defiant—he wouldn’t listen to me, even if I was right. He never did, and never would. And look where that stubborn nature got him!
I’ve always known life isn’t fair, and I’ve always done my best to protect Hime from that, but I never expected to be a victim of this level of cruelty. I’ll admit, sticking around them isn’t helping my case, but I can’t ignore my past with her. Even if she only ever thinks of me as a sibling, even if she never understands, I’ll be okay.
Shin left the room again, not acknowledging my presence. He was going to pace again. He was desperate to let out anxiety. At least I looked in better shape than him.
I looked back to her, and was met with her emerald eyes. Immediately, I looked away, knowing that I must’ve been imagining things. But when I heard her soft voice, I knew she was awake.
Words fell from my mouth in a jumble as my body pushed myself from the sofa. My mind told me to stop, knowing I didn’t deserve this, but my arms wrapped around her fragile torso without my control. She was so soft, so small. I wanted to cradle her, comfort her like I used to do, but I had no right. That wasn’t my job anymore.
I had to let go.
I urged my arms to unwrap themselves, stuffing my hands in my pockets to keep them there. I took a step back, just to be safe. “Sorry, overstepped the limits. Shin probably wouldn’t be happy to see that,” I remarked, forcing a small laugh.
I watched her smile fade, and her eyes go blank, like she was trying to think of something. Was she remembering what happened?
I hope not .
I kicked the back of my heel with my other foot, trying to get that selfish thought out of my head, or to at least bury the idea. She deserved to know.
But was it my fault? She-
I forced myself to think about something different, something happier. These intrusive thoughts were making me doubt the accident. But I knew.
I focused on her, watching her eyes flit mindlessly around the unfamiliar room, until they settled on me. She seemed a bit panicked. A dull pain grew in my heart, and I clenched my fists to distract myself.
Her hands flew to her head, certainly feeling around for an injury or a bandage. “Oh, don’t worry, your head wasn’t hurt. I think it was just blood loss, that’s all,” I told her. It was a bit of a lie. But it would comfort her.
She furrowed her brows, but she nodded all the same. Suddenly, her attention shifted from me to the creaking door. I took several steps back, returning to my position on the couch. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn’t. I knew she would be happy to see him. So I gestured to her.
Relinquishing my claim.
“Finally,” Shin muttered, cold as ever, but I knew he was happy to see her too. That’s what made it hurt more.
He went straight back to his rough antics. I couldn’t look away as he cupped her soft cheek, and pulled her body closer, and she accepted it as if it were normal. Yet her eyes flicked around, panicked again. She stared right in to my eyes. Emerald green, wide with surprise, and staring straight in to me. It felt like she knew.
My cheeks were growing hot. Every degree higher, the aching of my heart grew stronger. I was going to burst soon. I bit down on my lip to keep it from quivering. This was unbearable, as if he was doing it intentionally to hurt me.
At last, he pulled away, setting her free. Her eyes flicked back to him, and she smiled. “Awake now?” Shin asked, quite roughly for someone who was trying to wake up his girlfriend.
She mumbled something unintelligible, probably a flustered ‘yes’, and nodded her head. She seemed fine, and yet I didn’t like it. “Don’t push her,” I told Shin. My voice cracked.
“She’s fine. Hime’s always been durable,” Shin retorted, glaring at me over his shoulder. He wasn’t happy with me being here. He wasn’t happy that I was stepping in, still trying to protect her like I always have. Like I failed to do.
He knew that I didn’t blame him for anything. It wasn’t his fault. But he sure treated me like I did. Was he always this way? Or was I blinded by my own selfishness?
I knew that he wanted me gone, though. “I suppose she is being discharged today. Whatever, then. I need to head home soon anyway, Waka is tired of not having me in the kitchen,” I announced, standing from the couch. I smiled as I caught Hime’s gaze, then left as naturally as I could.
I had to head home. I couldn’t bear it any more. Seeing her happy was all I wanted, but every smile she gave him was just more straw on my back.
It was no surprise that I broke.