Chapter Text
Written June 21, 2022
London, England, United Kingdom
Unsent
June 21, 2022
Simon, Snow,
Where to begin? This feels so melodramatic, and I’ve barely started.
I used to think about writing to you—fantasize might be the better verb here, if we’re being honest with one another.
I’ve decided we’re being honest.
I fa
I fantas
I fantasized about writing to you.
I fantasized about you, full stop.
What a hideous thing to write.
Dev’s shitty girlfriend would tell me that I’m deflecting. Her name is Helen. She is a therapist, Snow, and I hate everything therapist-adjacent. I’m sure you would agree. It’s not like you’ve ever been keen to talk about your feelings.
Lord, I feel manic. Does it show in my prose? My fingers are practically humming. I’m a skin suit filled with bees. A thousand kilometers away and you’re still affecting me.
You—
You’ve always affected me.
I don’t even plan to post these, and yet—even pretending to write to you bruises. You are a bruise, Simon Snow.
I hate what they did to you.
Sometimes, I wonder, if I’d done things differently… I almost offered to take you back to mine over the holidays, you know. I thought about it, if I had just opened my mouth, if I had just done something. Maybe I could have saved you.
It’s too late now. What ifs are a useless indulgence. Sometimes, the damage is done.
I hate this.
Basilton Grimm-Pitch
Written June 30, 2022
Whitney, Nebraska, United States
Unsent
June 30, 2022
Hey Baz,
When I was eleven, I saw lightning strike. Proper lightning. Not the fuzzy stuff behind clouds. It was jagged, like in the movies. You could smell it. I know you’ve always been good with fire, so maybe lightning’s no big deal to you. It’s not like it matters, not like I’ll ever send this. Fuck, I’m rambling. I thought this would be easier writing it all down.
Thing is, I was just a kid back then when I saw it. A flash of magick touching something real.
It felt so big.
It was the biggest thing I’d ever seen.
I was at this foster home, a clean one, in a decent neighbourhood. Better than decent. I was at a lotta different homes, and I don’t remember all of them but I remember this one, though, cause of the lightning, but also because of the way it felt.
The nice homes were worse. I didn’t belong there, you know? I wasn’t nice, didn’t belong anywhere nice. Sometimes, I wonder if I really defeated the Humdrum or if he swallowed the real me up and I’m what’s left behind.
If that’s all I’ve ever been.
Fuck, right. Lightning. I was telling you about the lightning.
It was raining that night. Sheets and sheets of it. The thunder shook the house like a speaker on blast.
I liked the rain. Still do, specially in the summer, cause it’s the kind of cool that doesn’t get into your bones. Doesn’t bloat you from the inside out.
I slipped out that night. It was a gated community, so the streets were quiet. I remember the way the water squished in my shoes. Soaked me through and I felt good. Alive.
That’s when I saw it. The sky cracked open, the way an egg cracks. I swear to Christ, Baz, it looked like magick, exactly like the way magick used to look when you would do it. There was water in my eyelashes. I blinked. Blinked again and again.
Blinked and saw the fire.
It was a tree. Just some plain old tree they’d planted when they built the houses back in the 50s.
I could smell it. Fuck, I could see it. The flames started inside and then burst. Fire swallowed it up. The whole night stained red.
I don’t know why I did it. Why it mattered. It was too late to change anything. But I ran, Baz. I ran so fucking fast.
My shoes were falling apart. The soles flap flap flapped. Like they were waving hello. I didn’t stop till I was right there, standing right in front of it. And it came to me all at once. I just knew that I needed the fire to stop. That it wasn’t fair. That no one deserved to burn.
It’s kinda funny, now. You know, how they tried to burn me too.
My face was hot, cause of the flames, and it was cold cause of the rain. And it was like a match sparked somewhere inside me, dragged itself against the insides of my bones and lit me up. I was so full. My eyes were burning and all I could think was,
put it out
put it out
put it out!!!
I put it out, Baz. Sucked the fire right up.
It’s the first time I ever went off.
I don’t know why I’m telling you any of this. I guess, technically, I’m not. It’s not like I’ll ever send any of these.
I went back to that place, after they tried to burn me. Maybe it’s dramatic, but I told myself I was going back to the place where it all started.
And it fucked me up, Baz. It fucked me up so bad.
Cause I thought I’d managed to do something good. To save some stupid tree from some stupid random act of god or whatever. I know it’s dumb. I can hear you in my head telling me It’s just a tree, Snow. You’re just some sad lonely little boy, Snow. Your only friends were trees, Snow. And I KNOW.
Whatever. I’d stopped it from burning. I thought—I always thought I fixed it. Thought I saved it. Thought I’d gotten that one thing right.
It was still there, when I went back. Don’t know why no one cut it down.
It was dead.
It was… it…it was dead Baz
Black scorch marks straight to the heart. Dead on the inside. Dead this whole fucking time.
Turns out I’ve been a shit chosen one right from the start.
Sometimes the damage is done.
Simon