Archive of Our Own

The snow is like a gigantic cover, spread across trees and fields, untouched save a single set of footprints. They have followed the Rokudaime Hokage dutifully to the edge of the village where he waits, cold and shivering, rubbing his hands together and cursing the fact that he didn’t pick a warmer coat. Or thicker gloves, at least, ones that cover his fingertips. In the midst of his swearing, he senses an approaching presence from inside the village. 

“I thought you might show up,” Kakashi says through clattering teeth. 

“I just knew it, I could feel him coming closer!” Naruto's anticipation practically flows over to Kakashi as he comes to stand by his side. 

“Excited?” Kakashi blows warm air into his hands. He frowns, as it quickly turns to moisture in his gloves, making it even colder. 

Naruto shakes his head and chuckles. As he pulls Kakashi sideways into his toasty embrace, he gives no thought to the possibility that it could be perceived as slightly humiliating to the Hokage. 

Kakashi wants to say no. He doesn’t. Not even a little, as he wiggles closer and accepts the hands rubbing his back and sides while Naruto answers, “Very! I haven’t seen him in forever !” 

Sasuke could have come back sooner. No one forced him to stay out, but he insisted. ‘ For everyone’s safety ’, he said, and trudged on until Botan had fallen. 

“Two years is a long time..” Kakashi sighs. He aches to nestle into Naruto and breathe in deep of the musk that is only him. 

“It’s a really long time.. you know, talking isn’t exactly an Uchiha-thing,” Naruto rolls his eyes and Kakashi can only agree, “but we have started talking to a doctor! Or I mean, I have. It’s difficult to do when one of us is away most of the time, but he has promised me, in one of the letters, that we’ll be doing it together now!” 

A gust of wind blows between them, dragging up anguish in Kakashi and snow down his collar. If any snow travels inside Naruto’s shirt, he doesn’t mention it. 

Kakashi swallows both saliva and a harsh question he has no right to ask: why does he leave you behind? 

It’s a shame filled thought, made worse by innocent hands trying to keep him warm. Instead of asking pressing, reasonable questions that could put a crack in a relationship, Kakashi remains quiet and enjoys the warmth coming off Naruto’s chest. 

The heat doesn’t stop at his frostbitten fingers and pained cheeks, but travels further. Deeper. All the way inside, where it molds like warm honey around his chest and stomach. His cheeks are so warm, the biting cold is actually kind of nice against them now. 

Naruto babbles on, his nerves getting the better of him as he tells and retells things he must be well aware Kakashi has heard before. The repetition of things doesn’t bother Kakashi, though. No. It’s pleasant. The warmth is heightened by his voice and the rumblings in his chest. 

He tells of the talking doctor, and how he feels like it’s doing a lot of good, and how they’re going there the moment Sasuke is back. The harder Kakashi blinks, the louder the blood rushes in his head, blocking out any mention of Sasuke’s name.  

Who knows how much time passes as they stand by the village border, white puffs of smoke in front of Naruto’s mouth the entire time. There is only one thing Kakashi knows: no bandaid being ripped can compare to the sudden loss of the arms around him as something flickers in the distance.

Kakashi can just make out a figure emerging from the trees as Naruto sprints towards the edge of the clearing.

“SASUKEEE!”

When they make contact, Naruto tackles him to the ground with a loud squee, tangling both of them into a mess of snow and limbs and Naruto laughing and Sasuke surrendering. 

A muted but amused, “Usuratonkachi..”, can be heard all the way back to Kakashi, as Sasuke accepts the tumbling blond.  

Kakashi eventually walks up to them, and Naruto’s whispered words of needing them to hurry to his apartment now , you know? is tough to filter out when the field is silent except for the snow crunching under Kakashi’s boots. He would rather leave, but he is there to acknowledge Sasuke’s return from monitoring the border and running surveillance on illegal weapons being pushed between the few post war guerilla factions that try to reap the benefit of the fractured areas still trying to rebuild. A one man army, of sorts, and one that answers directly to the Hokage.

Meaning Kakashi has no other choice than to be there. 

Naruto looks up at Kakashi, clueless of how far his crude mumbles has traveled, and beams, “You’re coming tonight, right Kaka-sensei? Yamato has already said yes and Sai and Sakura picked out the place!”

Being asked to join him doesn’t hold the same weight when he is literally straddling someone else, but Kakashi’s stomach still rushes with hot blood at the question. “I’ll be there,” he says with a face as neutral as he can possibly manage. Reluctantly, seeing as the view comes with a giggling blond unsure of what to do with his hands, Kakashi turns to Sasuke laying in powder snow, and nods. 

“Welcome back, Sasuke.”

X-x-X

Sakura quickly turned into Sakura and Ino, who further insisted on Shikamaru and Choji as well, making a riled up Kiba fresh back from a mission almost lose it in his insisting that team eight get to tag along, and from there it spiraled into the bar setting up a special table in the back for Sasuke’s ‘ small welcome home ’-party, because how else would they fit everyone plus their senseis and captains? 

”Do you have any plans now that you’re together again?” Lee asks, excited for his friend and backed up by an eccentric Gai who cheers on the power of youth and the importance of love. 

Naruto immediately, and to Sasuke’s relief, shoulders the role as their spokesperson, and lights up at the question. “Yes, soooo many! We’re gonna fix up the clan grounds and make it a little cozier and less.. you know.. reeking of death and sadness!” His nose scrunches up, like he can literally smell death in the room, but he relaxes almost instantaneously as he moves forward. “And I have big plans for the surroundings, with the walls and the nature and stuff there, it’s gonna be great! Then I have like a thousand dates planned to make up for lost time. Of course I still have the occasional mission but I’m hoping Kakashi-sensei can play nice for a while!”

Kakashi has no interest in enabling them, and hums something indistinguishable into his sake. Not quite a yes, not quite a no. More of a ‘ let’s see how things turn out..’

“Huh..” Tenten replies, narrowing her eyes, “makes you wonder how you got along without Sasuke around.”

“Oh, I’ve done lots! Like taking care of my plants! It’s not like they answer, but it’s nice to take care of something when your boyfriend is too far away to make breakfast in the morning!” Naruto beams, seemingly unaware of the terrified glances he gets at the suggestion he operate a stove on his own. 

“You must do more with your time than that?”

“I’d be bored out of my skull if I didn’t! Teuchi Jiji is teaching me how to make proper ramen,” he says it in air quotes like it was an insult to the quick stuff in a cup he enjoys so much, “I help Sakura at the hospital, go on missions - some diplomatic in Suna and stuff, some facing resistance still stuck in the ways of Madara -, and I spend a lot of time with Kakashi-sensei, learning all the Kage stuff!”

“So..work and plants, then?” Shino asks bluntly, passing on yet another beer offer from Kiba and Ino, who together seem to be making it their life’s mission to get everyone drunk. Lee thankfully shakes his head at the bottle as well. 

Everyone is listening to and looking at the couple, meaning that everyone chimes in on the lighthearted laughter at Naruto’s expense. He’s not one to get bent out of shape so easily though, and snickers at himself along with the rest. “And ramen, don’t forget about the ramen, it’s going to be my next great pride in life! But I like it, helps keep my mind off things,”

“It’s good that you keep busy,” Sakura says affectionately, smiling a soft closed lip smile. 

“I think it’s sweet that you have to do so much to keep yourself from thinking about him! Like, that’s really sweet,” Ino shares through words and voice and sentiment that tattles on the amount of drinks she’s had. “Not everyone can be stone cold like Yamato, or Pervy-sama over there!”

When Naruto opens his mouth, probably trying to protect Kakashi's honor in matters he wasn't concerned about, a robust blonde pushes into the small space between Naruto and Sakura. Sakura barely grumbles when she’s shooed sideways to make way for the black haired squire and her pig. 

“Tsunade baa-chan!” Naruto yells loudly. No time is given for him to offer a hug before he’s trapped against a chest he appears to be drowning in. Laughter still erupts from the table as they hear a muffled, “You’re back too!”

“You brat, you’re grown up now, when are you going to stop calling me that?” She chides, but there is a warmth in her voice that takes out most of the threat. Still rocking Naruto a little, reluctant to let him go but at least giving him enough air to not risk death by bosom, she turns her attention to Kakashi. “Aren’t you teaching him anything, Rokudaime? We can’t have a rude Hokage to succeed the pervy one.” 

“There’s no taming that, I hope you realize?” He chuckles and gestures to the figure that just manages to struggle free and return his excited gazing to the man beside him. 

“Hey Sasuke!” Naruto scoops up Sasuke’s hand in his, the table all but vibrating from his happy tremors. “Maybe we should talk to Tsunade? About.. You know!”

“Naruto..” 

“I thought we might as well, since she’s also taking a break from her travels! It’s like..” he scrunches his eyebrows together, searching the air for words. “-like destiny!”

The mention of destiny is a punch to the gut in its own right, and Kakashi’s eyes flicker, wanting to focus on anything but his current company and their conversation. 

“You know I don’t want the arm. It wouldn’t feel right.” Sasuke is blunt as always, like a hammer, but doesn’t entirely manage to stamp out his resistance to the conversation. 

“I know but it’s been two years! And.. two arms could make some stuff easier.” Naruto blushes and everyone at the table, save Sai, seems to pick up on the message. Lowering his voice, he tries to ask, “Remember that time, you know, when we stood up and I slid to the side and broke your nightstand?” 

Sasuke barely admits defeat with a shrug. “I’ll admit; that wasn’t great, but I’ve been working on—“

“Please don’t say the Susano’o extension..” Naruto cuts off immediately with a dejected sigh. “You might be able to shoot a bow and arrow with amazing accuracy, I’m not taking that away from you, but there is a lot to be done about fine tuning the coordination..” he squirms in his seat, eliciting further laughter from their friends, including Sasuke, but of course a very subdued and barely audible chuckle. 

Naruto, the undying optimist/opportunist (/masochist, Kakashi thinks grimly) slides in a little closer in the spur of a breezy moment. A hopeful aura sinks down around him, enveloping him in a mist. 

Kakashi laughs as well, grateful for the mask that covers the lack of mirth in his lips. He wishes he could slide out of the booth and the conversation without being bombarded with questions. Not going to happen. So instead he stays, and keeps watching what breaks him. 

“As great as this conversation is, I have to go to the bathroom- and yes Naruto, I am perfectly capable of going on my own.” Sasuke says, stopping the words surely forming in Naruto’s mouth. 

When Sasuke’s back is disappearing into the crowd of drunk and stumbling villagers, Tsunade speaks up, “How is the program working, with the therapy?” 

Her question is clearly aimed at Sakura, but in true Naruto fashion, a deeply naked and honest truth is divulged, swiftly and without inhibition. “Good? Mostly? She says I have no problem finding things to say, but I’m suppressing a lot, like childhood stuff. And I apparently ‘ crave validation ’ and Sasuke ‘ has a crippling fear of commitment ’,” he repeats what must have been her exact words, using air quotes and a feigned doctor’s voice, and before anyone can weigh in (or stop him), he adds, “And she’s got this painting that’s driving me mad. I think it’s one of those where you’re supposed to see something, but I can’t see anything other than a cactus and what does that say about me?! Am I, like.. prickly? Unfriendly? ..dry?”

Sakura deadpans. “It says that you can accurately identify the image of the cactus Rukia-san has in her office.”

Sasuke returns quickly and sits back down (making Kakashi more than a little certain that the rinnegan wielder skipped the line), ducking in the process and missing the fountain of beer Choji snorts out when laughing at Naruto’s expense. “What are we talking about?” He asks as he settles down by Naruto’s side. 

With a fistful of mixed nuts in his mouth, Kiba answers, “Just that Naruto has a praise kink and you hate any form of closeness.” He brushes away some of the salt and crumbs from his hand, and doesn’t seem to care about the hostile glare Sasuke is sending him. “The usual, pretty much!”

“I don’t have a praisekink!” Naruto yells back, deeply offended.

“And I don’t hate closeness,” Sasuke says, demonstratively braving the small space left between him and Naruto. 

“Weeeeell..” Naruto pulls a face. “You have literally ducked my hugs more than once.”

While the conversation moves on, Naruto demonstrating just how you duck a hug (Sai taking notes), Kakashi thinks that he wouldn’t call it praisekink. Not exactly. But you would have to be blind to miss Naruto’s reactions to any form of approval or compliment. 

It was something Kakashi found out almost immediately as the sensei of team seven. Want Naruto to do something? Make it a challenge, or commend him on his incredible and unrivaled abilities to do said thing - works 98% of the time. 

The remaining 2% of the time, you use ramen. 

And it hasn’t gotten any better with age. 

If anything, during the days Naruto spent at the Hokage tower under Kakashi’s tutelage on all things Kage, Kakashi would often find himself searching for the next thing to comment on: You learn so fast - a shy smile; Everyone in the village looks up to you - his hand scratching the back of his neck; You’ll make for a great Hokage one day - the tips of his ears going red. 

It has become Kakashi’s favorite pastime. 

“But Tsunade reminds me, when are you taking your jonin exams? You should’ve done that ages ago. It would raise you a grade, get you some experience that only leading a team will.” Sasuke asks an avoiding Naruto, so he turns to Kakashi with his demands. “Kakashi, when?” 

Pushy, as always. Kakashi can’t help the frown that drags over his lips, and thanks his mask for the second time in a short while. Sasuke has shown complete defiance to the tradition of honorifics, something that never really bothered Kakashi when they were younger. Dumber. Kids. On friendly terms. Now it made him grit his teeth and want to tell the little twerp to get his act together. 

None of it is heard in his voice when he answers. It is carefully masked, as many aspects of Kakashi’s life. Masks are useful, after all. 

“We’ll see when Naruto can take the exams, I’ve gotten used to having him in the office all day, having to redo documents as we go,” he offers, trying to disguise his reluctance to make any promotion that steals Naruto away from him. “Who else is going to keep me company when Shikamaru is off to Suna for ‘ business trips ’?”

An innocuous remark made in passing, truly. But as Shikamaru sparks the odd blush and pretends like his visits to Suna are entirely within the realm of the village’s best interest, the attention of two dark eyes, one hidden behind even darker bangs, is drawn to Kakashi. Their scrutiny shifts and trickles down, starting at abject confusion, then curiosity, and finally landing in something reminiscent of a revelation. 

Kakashi holds his breath and doesn’t let it slip out -silently- until he’s absolutely sure that no questions or accusations will escape the solid line that makes up Sasuke’s mouth. 

(If neither of them acknowledge it, it doesn’t exist.)

“I want to dance, come on!” Naruto yells through the tense moment he seems unaware of, and drags a slightly reluctant Sasuke with him to the dance floor. 

Several others shrug and get up as well, following them to the all but dead square sectioned off for dancing, most with a beer or drink in their hand. 

“Will you join me on the floor, Kakashi?” Gai asks with a wide toothy smile. “Our youth is now, dear rival!”

“No thank you,” Kakashi replies with a terse shake of the head. It can’t be a good idea to be slightly inebriated and dancing next to Naruto and the glare Sasuke is carrying, but he glances to his side where Tenzō is nursing his first and only drink. “You can join them if you want to. I’m sure ANBU can go without their captain for the evening.” 

Tenzō fortifies his position in his chair with a content groan and says, “I would rather die Hokage-sama, but thank you.” 

“You two will regret this when we’re old!” Gai tuts. “To the dance floor, Lee, I’ll show you moves you’ve never dreamed of!” He shouts with a fist in the air and a happily abiding Lee at the helm of the chair who wheels them off in quick strides.  

The apparent ability to discover every ounce of positivity in any given situation is a valiant trait Gai has possessed for as long as Kakashi can remember, and it’s one that has saved him from himself a number of times. It can also be somewhat annoying. Especially when you’re two sakes deep into a bitter monologue with yourself, and want for nothing more than to wallow in the black murky crap inside. 

Kakashi swallows the last of his sake, eyeing Sasuke’s cup and snagging it after a few seconds deliberation; he’s going to need it, considering his eyes refusal to unglue themselves from the center of the room. 

The dance floor, more precisely. Where Sasuke is stiff and a little too hard in the joints, but Naruto is soft, malleable and perfect for the rhythm. The flow runs through him like water in a stream; natural and seemingly effortless as he pushes his back up against Sasuke and shapes himself to his chest, training Sasuke’s single hand to his stomach and hip. Watching him, body, face and movements.. he’s like an ethereal light. What exactly happened to the clumsy social underdog Kakashi first got to know eight years ago? 

Ever so often, Sasuke festers his eyes on Kakashi, throwing that thing that is the closest he’s got to a smile. 

A knowing smile. 

A fuck you smile.

It makes Kakashi want to rip his head off. 

The next best thing is to take a sip from his stolen drink. A shitty vengeance, but vengeance nonetheless. 

The hand on Naruto’s hip plays gently over the naked strip above his pants. Then up. Over his stomach, rolling to the beat. The chest, where his heart is probably beating in merciless joy. Sasuke’s nose dips where Kakashi longs to, right behind Naruto’s ear, and he laughs. 

All the while Naruto cradles the back of Sasuke’s head, entangling his fingers in trestles of jet black hair. Oblivious of the unexpected tug of war unfolding across the room. 

The sight, Naruto writhing sensually, happily, is all too bitter to swallow. It’s dark chocolate or cold coffee, lingering in the back of his throat, growing and coating his entire tongue until there is nothing left but to watch, frowning. A disheartened chuckle is pushed into Sasuke’s sake.

Tenzō, previously quietly enjoying the sense of belonging on his own terms, lifts his eyes. Onyx pools land with curiosity on Kakashi. “What’s so funny?”

“Coffee,” Kakashi replies sardonically, finishing off the third glass as well. It’s too much and he can’t stay more than a few songs (their movements steadily progressing towards a more uncouth direction by the minute), but one leg off the chair is as far as he makes it before he gets one last look into the ‘Sasuke and Naruto’-show. 

Not drunk but affected nonetheless, Sasuke stumbles towards the table, clutching his head with a worried Naruto in tow. 

“What’s wrong?” Naruto asks, prying white fingers out of the sockets they were digging into. 

“It’s just a little much,” Sasuke mutters and lets Naruto kiss his brow. Both of them thankfully miss the way Kakashi snaps his head in any other direction. “These things drain me completely.” He rejects the water offered to him by a doting blond and lets his cloak swallow him into something of a cocoon. “Thanks, but I’m just gonna head out I think. Refill the battery and start over tomorrow.”

“Okay!” Naruto perks up and reaches for his jacket hanging on the back of his chair. “Let’s go!”

The hand on his wrist is a surprise to both Naruto, who looks at it and tilts his head, and to Kakashi who regretfully watches out of the corner of his eye. Sasuke shakes his head a little, brushing him off dismissively. “Alone, babe. You stay here, have fun, and I’ll head back to the compound and just.. decompress.” 

Kakashi’s soul shrieks, violently, and almost loud enough to drown out the base on the dance floor and Gai’s incessant hooting. 

Naruto’s mouth is brittle glass when he smiles at Sasuke and says, “Sure, yeah okay, I get it.” 

He kisses Sasuke (who, still clutching his head, manages to shoot Kakashi a final glare) goodbye and watches him disappear quietly out the front doors. He then declines another shot offered by a, quite frankly, hammered Kiba who wobbles up to him. He is still all glass when he smiles at Kakashi and Tenzō, thanks them for the evening and leaves for an empty apartment. 

It still shrieks inside Kakashi. 

X-x-X

Right before the first time Sasuke left, the black haired teen had sought out Kakashi, in desperate need of advice that Kakashi was to absolutely not share with anyone else. 

Kakashi had immediately assumed that it would either pertain to the state of the Uchiha compound, or perhaps the conditions of his release, which were both well within the scope of things Kakashi could help out with, and he had urged him to go on. So when Sasuke, eyes downcast in a rather awkward and shy manner, had asked Kakashi - one genius to another- how to make a relationship work, something dropped like a lead weight in Kakashi’s stomach, tugging down and threatening to tear a hole straight through him. The object of Sasuke’s affection could be only one. And it wasn’t Sakura. 

Any other would have dubbed it sweet, having Sasuke seek him out for the advice that otherwise would have befallen a father. It probably was, with Sasuke passing on the role to Kakashi, in absence of a true one. Kind of like Naruto had with Iruka, only with less feelings, and more logic and awkward attempts at connecting. 

The role - father figure - held power, and every bone in Kakashi screamed that he should make short work of it, tell Sasuke that he and Naruto were doomed as a couple and would never work. 

But he cared too deeply for Naruto to not at least let them try. Even if he thought it a bad idea, one likely to end in the suffering of one or more of his old students. Even if it stung and tore. 

And herein lies what is most likely his biggest obstacle in his pursuit for happiness; he cares more about Naruto’s than his own. 

So Kakashi advised him as best he could, which in all honesty could be considered the blind leading the blind, but he tried with all he had. 

And then Sasuke left. 

For two years and countless black ops missions that he insisted on taking on by himself, despite several voices chiming in their willingness to help. But it is something Sasuke has to do, something he is forcing himself to go through as a form of penance, even as he left Naruto standing by the border, with mute voice and desperately pleading oceans of eyes - take me with you . 

But that was something Sasuke couldn't do. 

Something he can’t. 

X-x-X

The snow has not yet thawed, still decorating the village with banks and hills the kids often make forts in on days off, It’s no longer powdered and fresh, but dense and filled with grime. Kakashi can relate as he looks out the window of his office.  

Naruto is dragging Sasuke around on yet another one of his “fix it”-trips, and they have just been by the tower to pick up Shikamaru. Without voicing much reluctance, Shikamaru showed it more in the passive march he fell into behind them, following to go over the details for tearing down the walls around the Uchiha compound. To integrate them again and push a new start for the clan. Even if it is a one man clan at the moment. 

The office is dead quiet when Shikamaru isn’t there to filter through papers with him, and Naruto isn’t there to ask every available question known to man, which is why Sakura’s face in the doorway is more than appreciated.

“Sakura, please come in.” He gestures for her straight away as she stands with her arms filled with even more folders to add to his pile. Goodie. 

“Thanks Kakashi-sama, I hope I’m not interrupting anything?” She asks, genuinely, but then her eyes fall to the heaps and stacks on his table, and she adds, “Well, I hope I’m not interrupting anything too important at least!” 

She picks one of the spots a little less cluttered than the rest and drops off her contribution with a thump. “I’m sorry, but it’s all the ledgers and bookends and research papers for the new therapy ward, it needs to be approved if we’re going to be able to continue with it. Which, I mean I know I’m biased, but I really do think it’s necessary. It’s amazing, just think what a difference this could make for all the shinobi who suffered so many unspeakable things through! I know for certain that Naruto agrees with me at least,” and before Kakashi can react too out of sorts at the name that he isn’t thinking about, she adds, “You would probably benefit a lot from it too, Kakashi-sensei.”

“Sure it would,” he says without much conviction. He pushes his chair away from the desk and cringes at the soreness in his back and legs; sitting this much isn’t good for his body. Despite his best efforts, he cannot suppress his curiosity. “How is it working out for them?”

“Sasuke and Naruto?” She asks, and lets out a dejected sigh when Kakashi nods in return. “Their doctor isn’t allowed to talk about it, but I can hear some through the walls. Or rather, I can hear Naruto , but very little of Sasuke.. Can I tell you something that stays between us?” 

“Of course, you have always been able to confide in me, I hope,” Kakashi says slowly and a little offhandedly, like he isn’t desperate to hear her voice the words he has shamefully carried for so long. 

She turns to him and lowers her voice like the betrayal shouldn’t be heard by snow outside. “I think they rushed into this. And this isn’t jealousy speaking!” She straightens up with a snap and wide eyes, placing a hand on her heart. “Honest to god, I accepted Sasuke’s choice once he made it, but they just have so much they should work through, individually, before they can be good for each other..”

“If they ever can,” Kakashi answers, gently coaxing her to continue. Hearing this shouldn't feel so good. 

“Precisely,” Sakura agrees thoughtfully. “Because right now, Sasuke can’t be there the way Naruto needs, and Naruto has this image of Sasuke and what they missed out on, that he keeps on molding himself after Sasuke to keep him happy!” She is practically raving, unleashing what appears to be thoughts she has carried with her a long time. “Have you seen the dark rings under Naruto’s eyes? I didn’t think he could even get those!”

The new dark blemishes have of course not gone unnoticed, but instead of answering something that might accidentally reveal just how much time he spends looking at Naruto, Kakashi just nods. 

Sakura then softens and calms down. Seemingly unconsciously, she walks to the window, Her slightly pained expression reflects in the frosted glass as she holds her elbows tight. Perhaps imagining hugging out some of the pain. “The thing is.. Sasuke is really sick, and has been for many years.. Because he resents himself for leaving all those years ago and harming Naruto. He doesn't want to be happy. He wants to suffer. And that’s not even mentioning his fear of losing someone close! So we have one who hates himself and tries to be miserable, and one who would literally turn himself inside out if he thought it would help..” The words are dragged out, until at last, she lets out a little laugh and shakes her head. “It's all just such a mess, sensei.” 

Although Kakashi doesn't say anything, Sakura must notice that he's staring at her, even with her back to him. "I'm also in training, to talk to people," she explains with a crooked smile as she turns back from the window. “And I will do this to you one day, sensei, whether you like it or not!” She holds up her hand, stopping Kakashi’s protest, and changes the trajectory ever so slightly (almost like she knew an immediate objection was on its way). “And I think Ino could be a real asset for the program in the future, with her communication skills. No mind reading jutsus or anything. Please consider letting me train her for a position, at least part time.”

Kakashi glares at her for just a second but decides to take her route and ignore part of what she said. “You are the head of the hospital administration; if you think that’s where the resources should be I will not argue.” 

He joins her by the window in time to watch Sasuke and Naruto walk down the street with a tired Shikamaru dragging his feet behind them, and regrets his position the minute he does. With a frown hidden under his mask, he retreats to his desk just as fast as he had left his shackles. It might be a prison, but it's one far away from side-by-side snow prints disappearing in the direction of the isolated and shunned Uchiha compound. 

“How long?” Sakura asks plainly, her face beautifully illuminated by the bright lights reflecting off the snow. 

“How long?” Kakashi repeats and sits down by his desk, contemplating which pile of paper to begin with. 

“For how long have you cared for Naruto that way?” Green eyes pierce him something fierce, nailing his body to the chair's stuffing and fabric, and his tongue to the roof of his mouth.

He views her through the stacks. Nothing in her expression tells him that she is joking. Which he didn’t truly think either but was hoping for regardless. He can’t even stop the panic from seeping out through his eyes and shaky hands. A sputtering, “I-, oh well—,” is all he manages before he yanks a little too hard on the paper of his choice, the paper tower it was attached to cascading down to the floor in a pretty avalanche of white. 

He sinks down on the floor and starts gathering up the mess, avoiding her and only addressing the panic clawing at his stomach lining. How did she know? Is he that obvious? Or does she just know him that well? Which begs the question; does Naruto suspect something? 

In the middle of panic ripping him open like a plenty clawed monster, her question manages to seep in.

How long?

He doesn’t even know himself. His feelings can’t be attested to a soft Friday afternoon, or the sunset of a loving Sunday. It happened over time, as involuntarily as it was unexpected, and like with everything in Kakashi’s life, he fought it tooth and nail, and with the vitriol of a wounded cougar. 

But in the end he had stood helpless to the sheer force that is Naruto. 

Sakura sits down next to him without a sound and starts picking up loose papers. When he finally dares look at her face, it’s filled with nothing but compassion (and a little pity, which Kakashi can’t blame her for). “That long, huh sensei?”

“Yes,” Kakashi murmurs in shame. “You won’t tell anyone, I assume?”

“Of course not!” She replies immediately like the mere thought is an insult to her character. “Listen..” she halts his hands reaching for papers and forces him to stop and give her his full attention. “I’m not saying you wouldn’t have issues -because you would-, but I think Naruto could do well with you. He trusts you. And there is no denying how good it would be for you, to be with someone who never minces words, putting his feelings on display without room for misunderstanding.”

“Yes well..” Kakashi tears his eyes and hands away, promptly continuing to scoop up the papers. His voice is listless when he says, “It’s too late for that now, isn’t it? I might have had a chance, but I hesitated where Sasuke didn’t, and here we are.”

“You tried telling him?” Sakura sits back up on her haunches, clearly surprised. “When?”

“Back before, not long before Sasuke left for the first time after the war. For some reason, like a moron, I had decided that I wanted Sasuke out so Naruto could focus properly,” 

“But Sasuke took the plunge before you did.” Her surprise remains unmistakable. 

It isn’t a story Kakashi particularly enjoys to have memorized, but Naruto has told it so many times over the past two years that it is now ingrained worse in his brain than the first shinobi rule book he got as a child: Sasuke had approached Naruto, and without as much as a word, he pressed his lips to Naruto’s in what Naruto now often described as ‘one of the worst kisses ever!’ all while giggling fondly at the memory. The telling was often accompanied by the explanation that he mostly kept their story to himself, like safekeeping a precious commodity.

“But Sasuke took the plunge before I did.” Kakashi nods. “And now I get to suffer from my own indecision.”

She doesn’t argue, and she doesn’t mention how he probably waited too long on purpose, terrified that Naruto would actually accept the feelings of his old teacher. 

It is only the sound of papers being shuffled that fills the unplanned pause. When the papers are stacked -but unorganized- on the desk, Sakura takes her place by the window again. Typical Sakura, refusing to let him wallow in his own self constructed misfortune in peace. 

He still joins her, cautiously. 

“What would we talk about?” He can’t believe his own voice, or even the question, but decides that he might as well go for broke. “If I did the talking?”

“It would be up to you.” 

His inability to force his eyelids into full attention, combined with his nod to the desk showing less tabletop than paper, seems to have done the trick in relaying the message; I don’t exactly have a lot of time on my hands . 

“A lot. But mostly.. You have to live, Kakashi,” she says with a professional yet soft curve to her voice, adhering to his disdain for honorifics when it’s just the two of them between four walls and a depressing amount of papers. “Really live and accept what the people who care for you can offer. Rin, Obito, Minato; no one will come back just because you either put yourself too far away from experiencing anything true, or close enough to die from the carnage.”

“I’m not trying to die.” Kakashi can’t tell if he should laugh or be offended, so he settles on an anonymous glare at the rock wall in the distance. When the sun shines down on it, it barely stands out against the horizon, illuminated by billions and billions of tiny snowflakes. 

In amusement, Sakura shakes her head, her pink hair swishing softly. “Sasuke told me that you didn’t even attempt to move when the moon shard crashed towards you. What would you call that if not a deep seated belief in death as the final solution?”

Kakashi bites his cheek and refuses to face her, staring in defiance at the glistening snow instead. It’s not that he wants to die, something Sakura would never believe. Rather, it is a content relationship with death; he doesn’t taunt it, and it makes no unnecessary passes on his being.  

But when it comes for him, he will be ready. 

“People depend on you,” Sakura continues. “I know I do, and Naruto,” she ignores his involuntary pout, “and almost everyone in this village. But you can still do things that make you feel joy. And you should .”

Kakashi sighs, weariness sneaking up like a fluffy cat, dragging big paws over his chest. As an extension, he drags tired hands over his face and grumbles into them. “Maa, it.. it’s not so easy, Sakura.” 

“It can be.” 

“Not when you lived this long, killed the people I have killed, forsaken the lives that I have forsaken.” The weariness creeps up on his shoulders and settles there, purring in its sleep as his body tires under its weight.

“Okay, let’s try something,” she says resolutely, grabbing Kakashi squarely by the shoulders and facing him head-on, giving no room for escape. “Think hard about this, and don’t just spit out whatever answer you think I want to hear: do you think other people judge themselves as harshly as you judge yourself?” 

It is as if Kakashi loses all momentum. His eyes are wide with bewilderment as he stares at her; of course he judged himself using a thinner and longer measuring stick. People died otherwise, just like people have died because of him in the past. 

When sufficient time of Kakashi stalling has passed, she relinquishes that behemoth grip he could never quite understand how she managed on his shoulders, and makes a much softer swipe for his hands. With almost motherly affection, she coos, “This might come as a shock to you, but you deserve love and tenderness. Despite the blood you seemingly still see on your hands.” 

Kakashi actually snaps his eyes to where his hands lay defeated in hers. And he knows this was a victory for Sakura, even if she would never call it that. She would call it a breakthrough, and be proud that Kakashi is finally admitting to himself of the burdens that weigh him down. 

The final part of her brutal takedown comes with a single, soft spoken sentence: “You are good enough.”

Kakashi swallows forcefully. Even though he is afraid of the answer, he grips Sakura's much smaller hands tightly and asks, “For?”

X-x-X

That the first night at the bar wasn’t a one off thing is a surprise to no one, save Naruto. And the dark circles under his eyes are only the beginning. 

Not that Kakashi is there to witness every time Sasuke closes up or disappears, but Naruto confines. A little every time he is at the tower

Sasuke is slowly poisoning Naruto, and it’s not even on purpose. But the signs are all there; sunken eyes, drab and pasty skin, and hair that doesn’t quite seem to reach its usual springy golden touch. 

Whenever Kakashi wants to speak up, Hey Naruto, are you okay, are you happy, maybe you should leave him , Sasuke magically shows up and manages one of his seldomly seen smiles, and Naruto lights up enough to forget how bright he usually shines. 

His chest aches whenever Naruto smiles timidly and tries to get close to Sasuke, only to be met with a very awkward shuffle to the side as he tries to maintain distance. 

An arm’s length, poetically enough. The reason is simple, Kakashi knows but pretends he doesn’t; Uchihas feel more. Deeper, stronger, harder love than others. But after the slaughter of his family, and his own hand in killing his brother, Sasuke is afraid. 

Is he afraid that Naruto will die simply for being on the receiving end of his affection, or maybe it’s simply that he doesn’t know how, and is afraid to do it the wrong way? 

Who knows for sure.. But the road to accidentally crushing Naruto’s spirit is lined with good intentions and poor communication. 

X-x-X

Sparring indoors is good for everyone involved; Jounin and Anbu alike are kept on their feet, the academy students understand the great training that both Naruto and Sasuke must have undergone, and the people get to see their heroes doing what they do best. Not to mention how they can do it all with the comfort of not getting frostbite. 

Sasuke is taking on the new ANBU, some being a little cockier than necessary, and Kakashi can tell straight away how they are being toyed with. No dojutsu, no ninjutsu, only taijutsu, and Sasuke is barely breaking a sweat at that. 

Naruto puts two fingers in his mouth and blows a sharp wolf whistle. “You have to go harder than that guys; KICK HIS ASS!” He laughs and cheers on the weak effort of the six ANBU members getting outsmarted at every turn. He leans against the railing with his entire body, and despite himself, Kakashi can’t help but be at the ready, should Naruto lose against his excitement and topple over. 

“I thought you would want him to win. Has your loyalty run out, Naruto?” Kakashi asks, concealing a vain hope as a tease. 

Naruto pushes off the railing and plops down by Kakashi’s side, oblivious as always to the effect of his arm rubbing against Kakashi’s. Sitting so close under the bright arena lights, it’s easy to pick out the dark circles under his eyes when he answers, “Can’t let his ego get too big, am I right?” A little sparkle ignites in Naruto’s eyes, making Kakashi smile. They used to appear more often, before. “Besides, we both know that your new recruits would be toast if Sasuke decides to actually try.”

“Let’s keep the Susano’os and giant multi-tailed foxes to a minimum in here, mm?” Kakashi hands him a bottle of water, the core frozen from being stored outside in subzero temperatures. “What does Sasuke think of the therapy?”

Naruto shrugs, a little dejected, his eyes following the movements in the arena. “He thinks it’s a waste, probably. It’s not like he comes out and says it, right? But I don’t think he sees the point.”

The answer comes as no surprise to Kakashi. Sasuke already thinks he has the solution to everything with his missions, and his utter disdain for how his own problems affect Naruto is infuriating to watch. This isn’t something Kakashi can very well say to Naruto, which is why his reaction is to nod and bite down a few times until his jaw is less tense. 

“Do you think..” Naruto mumbles into his bottle of water, and Kakashi wonders if this is perhaps the first time during the years he has known the sparky blond, that he has to lean in to properly catch what he is saying over sound of the scattered crowd cheering or booing, depending on the effort ANBU is putting on.

“What?” 

After taking a sip of water and screwing the cork back on like the bottle contained state secrets, Naruto speaks again with just as little bravado and confidence as before. “Well, I wonder.. Do you think Sasuke is happy? Like, do you think Sasuke is happy with me? That.. shit, okay, I guess I wonder if you think I make him happy?” 

The awkwardness and attentiveness to Sasuke’s needs is sweet and soul crushing; a combination Kakashi has never had before and isn’t dying to try again any time soon. 

“I don’t think Sasuke counts things in happiness the same way you do,” Kakashi has to shout half of it, as a group of late year academy students close by yell when Sasuke body flickers, swapping places with one in the back and creating chaos in the ANBU formation. “A better question is how at peace he is.”

“You’re probably right.. Well then I guess the question is, is he at peace with me?” 

“I.. I don’t think he ever is. But.. he is probably the most when he’s with you,” Kakashi admits. Unwillingly, but admits it nonetheless. 

“Yeah, maybe.. Getting him to see the talking doctor wasn’t exactly easy, you know? Sasuke is wary of doctors and hospitals. I think he’s got a lot of bad associations with them, like vivid, haunting memories of the smell of hospital and death. Not that he told me, I had to guess, but I know him well enough.” Naruto describes it all with great love and care, his expressive eyes mirroring every worry in his mind. ”It’s like he doesn’t know how to show what he feels, because it’s in there, I know it is.”

Excuses excuses excuses, all pouring like water from Naruto’s lips, washing away common sense. 

Go with him next time, almost slips from Kakashi’s lips. But no, he is self serving scum and remains quiet. For a little while. 

“Naruto.. are you happy?” The question falls before he can stop it. 

A scrunched up nose is all Naruto has time for as Shikamaru interrupts by taking a seat by Kakashi’s side and commenting on the annihilation going down just below the trio. But he doesn’t stop there.

“I know we shouldn’t be relying so heavily on a single one man cell, but it’s fortunate that Sasuke is as strong as he is,” he says unprompted, and Kakashi wants to smack him in the back of the head - something Shikamaru misses entirely and goes on. “Botan might have been removed, but the body still acts with its head cut off. It’s probably just a matter of time before we notice their renewed activity. Or what do you think, Hokage-sama?”

Naruto’s nose scrunch travels up to his brow instead, worrylines painting his forehead as he cuts in before Kakashi has a chance to reply. “You won’t send him off already, right Kakashi-sensei?” 

“I’ll hold off as long as it’s conceivable possible,” Kakashi reassures, with reluctance. “There’s no need for him to leave right now.”

While one breathes a sigh of relief, the other picks up on Kakashi’s admonishing glares and sends confusion in equal measures back. But their communication, both out loud and silent, has stolen their attention from the ongoing spar, where Sasuke seems to have decided that he is done and finishes up the remaining few stragglers with a rapid barrage. They catch from the stands as Sasuke ends the spar, respectfully, but that’s where Shikamaru’s spectatorship ends.

He doesn’t yell anything from his newfound position in front of the gang of bruised and battered ANBU, but Kakashi is pretty sure he can hear the sigh that he presses out of his lungs, and after he finishes flipping Sasuke off, he lights a smoke and picks up a conversation with the embarrassed recruits.  

Sasuke in return waves back like he missed the middle finger in his direction. 

“He’s gonna be pissed later,” Naruto says, but doesn’t complain over having Sasuke turn up by his side. Instead he smiles and wraps his arm around Sasuke’s waist, dragging him close to his hip. 

“He’ll be fine.” Sasuke shrugs, still stiff as a board any time Naruto initiates contact, and he hangs a little to the side in Naruto’s grip. “And he should have seen it coming. He knows I can’t use Amenotejikara without swapping places with something.”

“Well, thank you for the company, Naruto,” Kakashi says as he moves to leave. He wants to -needs to- get away, immediately. “-but I’ll go grab my misplaced Second and head back to the tower.”

He has all but left the stands when life seems to have decided that repeat is the only option. Especially when it means more illgains for Kakashi’s favorite blond.

“You were pretty awesome out there!” Naruto says and pokes Sasuke’s arm with a playful finger. “We could have pretty strong kids! Could you imagine it, my chakra and your brain? And you know, my cutes with your hots!” He giggles at the image of their children. Sasuke doesn’t. He tenses and creates more distance, even going so far as pushing Naruto a little to the other end of the walkway (Kakashi knows what he sees).

“I don’t know, Naruto.. It.. It’s complicated.” The last bit of connection falls flat between them as Sasuke pulls from Naruto’s side. “I don’t want to talk about this, there’s so much you don’t understand.

Face twisted in anguish, Kakashi takes a moment to smooth it out until there is nothing left but carefully constructed boredom. Where he wants to hiss for Sasuke to open those charcoal pieces that appear to be strictly ornamental so he can actually see what he is offered, Kakashi just maintains the passive facade. He hangs just by the exit, but the trainwreck piling up so close to him is making it impossible to leave.

“Then tell me!” Naruto asks with a desperation so clear it’s almost tangible, and extends a palm to Sasuke, as unthreatening as they come.

When Sasuke doesn’t answer, and instead stares at the invite hanging between them, Kakashi decides that it is his time to leave. 

X-x-X

Spring came with a breeze, it seems, rolling in over the lands and sweeping away looming clouds heavy with snow and sleet. And with it, the return of the sun, in earnest. 

It turns snow into water that would have flooded the streets, if not for the urban engineering of the Nara clan, and their storm drain system that crept along both main roads and offshoots. Flowers line the new water outlets, the sturdy kind that flourishes in the barely warm soil, and the birds are back, singing songs of rejuvenation and love. 

Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like the ground is the only thing that thaws in spring. Operations waking from hibernation have started popping up across the border, sending worrying messages of weapon dealings and human trafficking. 

Kakashi has never been one to bother himself too much with the going-ons of the rumor mill, discrediting it more often than not as stories made up by bored villagers and nins disappointed in their own lack of influence and action. But even so, it’s impossible to ignore the budding whispers of a weapon hidden by the resistance in the cave systems by Iwagakure. One said to be large enough to obliterate an entire hidden village in the blink of an eye. 

Perhaps it’s exaggerated. Perhaps it’s fake altogether. And perhaps it’s true and a threat to their unprecedented peace. 

They, Shikamaru and he, are pouring over the missives, discussing options for sending out teams and weighing the pros of several to the cons of larger groups risking getting caught by desperate criminals, when a phantom speaks up from the doorframe. 

“I will do it.” Sasuke leaves no room for debate, entering the room soundlessly and taking the latest paperslip from Shikamaru’s hand. His eyes dart over it quickly, and he nods, barely, and hands it back. “It only makes sense that I do it. I know the men who followed Botan, and I know what they are capable of.”

“I hate to admit it, Hokage-sama,” Shikamaru sighs at the array of papers on the table, declaring varying degrees of escalation and threat. “But there are few options that rival Sasuke and his abilities.”

Kakashi should perhaps argue. Despite his own beliefs, two years of constant toiling should be compensation. But.. It is virtually impossible to deny that Sasuke knows the vigilantes and the risks, he outskills any team Kakashi could put together, and.. Kakashi cringes at his own shame; with Sasuke gone, would Naruto move on?

Could he move on? 

Any argument remains steadfast in Kakashi’s mind as Sasuke cuts in with his own decision. “I’m leaving. Try to stop me if you feel like it.” He accepts the scrolls with renewed maps and suspected hideouts that Shikamaru hands off, his travelpack swallowing whatever it is offered. “But I’ve got a feeling you won’t.”

And he’s correct. As Sasuke walks to the door, Kakashi calls out, despite himself. “Say your goodbyes before you step outside the borders. We don’t know when you’re returning again.”

Sasuke nods and lingers in the doorway for a moment, wrapped in his travel cloak, staring dully at Kakashi. It takes a lot for Kakashi not to say something uncalled for. 

“Kakashi.”

“Yes?”

“Can I trust you?”

It might have thawed outside, but Kakashi’s blood freezes over at the lazily drawled words. 

“Of course, Sasuke. Or else I wouldn’t have pardoned you, but you knew this,” he states plainly with upwardly slanted corners of his eyes, and turns back to his paperwork to put an end to the conversation. “As Hokage, you can rest assured that you can always trust me.”

“As Hokage..” The words roll around a little in Sasuke’s mouth, and Kakashi doesn’t like the way he tries them out, like wool socks, or rabid wolverines disguised as socks. “I understand.” And then, in a mistless flicker, Sasuke is gone.

“Do I want to know what just happened?” Shikamaru asks, still staring at the door, and looking like he has a budding headache that he valiantly tries to massage away with his fingers against his temples. 

“Probably not,” Kakashi says truthfully. “I’m not sure I know, actually.”

It’s not until the afternoon the same day that there’s a solid and all too loud knock on the door. 

“Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto exclaims with his entire face and body as he springs through the door, and for a second, Kakashi can almost ignore how worn out he looks. “Have you seen Sasuke? We have another meeting with the doctor in like 15 minutes, but I can’t find him! Thought that maybe the three of you were up to no good!” 

It’s difficult to watch the way Naruto’s light fades at the joint silence between Shikamaru and Kakashi. They share a look, both unsure how and what to say. But after a while, it gets to a point where they probably don’t have to say anything. Because Naruto knows. 

Like he probably did long before opening the doors. 

Kakashi thinks he can see the moment Naruto’s heart.. well it doesn’t break , per se, but he can see the moment when it is squished into an unrecognizable lump. 

“You sent him off,” Naruto says without asking, tears already beading the ridges of his eyes. 

“I did.” Kakashi chooses not to say that Sasuke had practically thrown himself at the possibility of leaving; Naruto needs someone to blame, and Kakashi can be that person. 

His sacrifice is hollow, see through, as Naruto barks a fitful and joyless laugh. “He asked to leave, didn’t he?” 

Kakashi wants to reach out, touch him, help remold him back into shape and take away those dark circles and pained tears. 

“He did." 

Naruto nods and leaves. Kakashi hates his job. 

In the evening, Kakashi can’t stay away and knows that in no uncertain terms that he is in for it when he stops in front of Naruto’s door. He tries to shake off the worst of the rain water; sprinting at full speed still isn’t enough to escape the rain, and it doesn’t ask for permission as drop after drop disappears from his hair and down his neck. 

After a moment’s hesitation, he makes up his mind, and lets a slightly wet fist rap against the door. Any noise from inside halts for a second, before it recommences.

“Naruto?” He is soft, reassuring, whatever he can be from the wrong side of the door. “It’s Kakashi. Can I come in?”

Another pause, and the lock clicks open, letting Kakashi step inside the apartment he has  seen many times before. Not quite like this, though. 

All the carefully cultivated, pruned, loved and delicately handled potted plants are laying in muddy piles on the floor. In the center, hands black and brown with soil, Naruto sits down again. Sifting through bags of seeds, cheeks wet and eyes avoiding Kakashi at all cost. His navy sweatpants are lined with dirt stains, and the faded and washed out t-shirt is barely recognizable to how it might have looked new. 

“Naruto..” Kakashi says, weakly, still standing by the door and unsure how to help. “What are you doing?”

With a mostly clean wrist, Naruto wipes his nose. “I’m.. I’m keeping busy, I guess..” 

“Replanting everything at..” Kakashi checks the clock on the wall and cringes; it is a bad time for him to be there, but it can’t be helped, “half past midnight?”

“Mm,” Naruto grunts, struggling to open up a package that Kakashi, when squinting, thinks reads Pink Camellia . “Don’t have enough small pots for my new seeds and seedlings. Need to make room for more, you know?” 

The sobs go from soft and barely audible, to wracked and painful; hurting both of them with every rasping inhale. 

Three long strides is all it takes for Kakashi to make it to Naruto. “Come on, let’s clean this up and I’ll help you this weekend instead, okay?” 

Kakashi brings a bin from the kitchen and sets it on the floor, shucking his bulky chest piece before he squats down on his knees. Together, they start the work of getting the soil off the floors.

Naruto sighs, a little bubbly through the tears, “I’ll get a letter soon..”

Kakashi keeps quiet, swiping at the piles of soil they have made. With his hand and a spatula, he drops a rather wet mass into the bin with a crumbled splat . 

“It’ll say that he misses me already, and that his nights are made easier by the thought of us together when he returns,” Naruto says. “Letters seem easier to him, cause he’s told me lots of things on scented papers that he never says out loud..” 

It sets off a fuse in Kakashi that until then had previously laid secure; safe of sparks and flames that come with the risk of laying waste to everything. “He didn’t tell you he was leaving, did he?”

“No, he didn’t..” Naruto answers in a small voice, and Kakashi wishes that he is surprised. 

Once the floors are decently clean, Kakashi pulls Naruto off them and heads for the bathroom. There, they wash off the dirt and grime from their skin, and Kakashi rewraps Naruto’s arm in fresh gauze. Naruto doesn’t take no for an answer when he offers to towel dry Kakashi’s hair, and so he stands like a wet stray and lets Naruto work the soft cotton over his head. 

Dry and clean, they step out. 

Here’s where Kakashi acknowledges he might be making the wrong choice; leaving is the only reasonable option, but watching Naruto, a husk of his usual self, turning in on himself as he waits for Kakashi to disappear, Kakashi can’t bring himself to walk out the door. 

The couch cushion sighs as he sits down, and Naruto appears like a shadow slick to his side in an instant. Blond fluffy hair tickles Kakashi’s ear as Naruto leans against him with a soul deep exhale. Kakashi lifts his arm and before he has a chance to experiment with putting it around Naruto's shoulder, Naruto has already accepted the inviation. Kakashi looks down at the sudden flurry of movements, befuddled but not displeased: in a flash, the hair previously tickling his ear now tickles his chin, and Naruto uses Kakashi’s arm as some kind of blanket, wrapping himself tightly in it. A low sound, a smothered but content purr, slips out between sobs. 

Oh no.. Kakashi’s heart leaps and folds at the same time, it’s beating a little off against Naruto’s cheek. Hopefully Naruto is too upset to notice. 

Even as he cries softly and is black under his nails, Naruto still attains his effervescent nature in all he does. Including silently asking for comfort, which Kakashi gives, as best as he can even though he isn’t sure how. He holds him in the glow of the single lit lamp resting above their heads, and makes memories.

Of the scent; warm peachy earth that isn’t the soil but rather what makes it so potent. 

Of Naruto’s chest against his side and his nose breathing in his skin. 

Of how he almost has Naruto, if only for a moment when time isn’t relevant. 

Measured, despite himself, Kakashi asks, “Why do you let him do that?” When Naruto tilts his head in question, he clarifies, “Treat you like he does. Keep you at arm’s length. Disappear.”

“It’s not all bad..” Naruto explains. “We have fun together, and sometimes, he forgets about everything and smiles and laughs and tells me all the things inside him. But then it’s like… it’s like the past slams the door open on him and he’s reminded all over. And then he closes up again.. I think he’s afraid that if he shows too much, something bad is gonna happen..” Naruto looks back down again to where his fingers are tearing at an unsuspecting loose thread in Kakashi's thermal shirt. “I guess I just thought that if I loved him hard enough, like really loved him, I could make everything go away, all the bad stuff that haunts him, make everything better.”

“I don’t think it works that way, Naruto..” 

“No.. but.. It’s difficult for him, you know that..” Naruto mumbles a thousand year old excuse. Then his voice turns mournful, laced with pain. “Can you imagine how it would have been if his family hadn’t been pushed to the outside of the village and then murdered? How different Sasuke would be? Of course he’s distant.. wouldn’t you be if you lived through what he did?” 

It wasn't Kakashi’s business until Naruto now decided to make it his business. Still fighting to not open the floodgates too abruptly, Kakashi takes the leaf of his lips. “Yes, it’s true that Sasuke has been through more than most. It is also true that those are his problems. You’re kind, wanting to help him, but remember that the issues are his, and something that he has to want to figure out.” 

“That’s what Rukia san says as well. Or that’s what she said to me at least, at one of the single sessions I’ve been going to. Like today.” A haunting chuckle is Naruto’s parting with the subject as he starts shifting around a little. 

A little turns into a lot, and in the middle of stretching and rearranging himself on the couch, he tenses, like a small electrical current paralyzes him. Before Kakashi can question his rigid state, he asks sheepishly, “Is it okay by the way? That I’m using you like a body pillow?” 

“It’s fine.” The answer comes out a little more terse than desired, not wanting to say too much, and not wanting unplanned words to tumble out. “It’s only natural to.. to want comfort from someone you trust.” 

“Thanks.. I know you don’t think you’re big on this stuff.” Naruto gets no protest as he makes himself comfortable; legs tucked and folded on the cushion; a blanket that he uses to cover most of himself and gives Kakashi a question look before he drapes it over his legs as well; digging his nose in the fabric of Kakashi’s shirt and inhaling deeply. Content. “Probably would’ve force hugged sensei-pillow if you had refused!”

“You still have that thing?”

The previous effort to rearrange himself is partly abandoned when Naruto faces Kakashi only to show how offensive the question is. “Do you know how much time I spent sewing that thing? He’s staying until the day I die, or I accidentally burn down the apartment cooking ramen or something!” Whichever comes first, Kakashi agrees. “You know, he even smells like you! Or I mean, he did, but it’s a lot less now. The scent from your shirt’s kinda gone..”

Kakashi can’t hold back the sharp laugh. “You stole a shirt from me?”

“Yupp! And no, you’re not getting it back.” He gives Kakashi a show of the tip of his tongue before he settles back, leaving Kakashi to consider teenage Naruto infiltrating his apartment with the sole purpose of pilfering a single used sweater. Though overthinking its value can’t result in anything pleasant, and so Kakashi lets the thought drift off. For now. 

Once Naruto is snug and burrowed like a wood mouse in winter, he asks in a sleepy voice, “Have you ever been in love, Kakashi?” 

It’s nice, hearing Naruto drop the sensei , now that they are huddled up under a blanket. It’s less nice that Kakashi doesn’t want to lie, but fears the truth; that he will forever be connected to Naruto’s warmth, and to unendingly positive ways of viewing a gray and hateful world. Apathy has dogged his heels for as long as he can recall, but with Naruto around.. he manages. 

He answers in what he hopes is a fleeting way: “Only once.” 

“Must have been someone special..” Naruto whispers like it's a marvel and drags himself impossibly closer, making Kakashi wince and silently curse the feeling of hearth Naruto burrowing in his arms. Out loud, he just hums and hopes that Naruto drops the subject. Which he doesn’t. “Tell me, what happened?”

“Oh, is this a bedtime story?” Kakashi asks teasingly, swooning at the way Naruto squirms and giggles. “Well, I tried telling him, a while ago but.. He..” he stops and rests his chin atop the disheveled blond hair, contemplating. It is the usual mess of uncoordinated soft spikes, even more so now after a few hours of heartbroken plant management. He considers for a moment if he should drop his mask to draw in the direct scent, but thinks better of it. “I don’t think he loves me back.”

Because why would he? Old, uninteresting, and cracked and broken along the seams where others hold together so much better; this Kakashi is a poorly made plushie, filled to the brim with the things nightmares bring. 

“Oh..” Naruto lets out softly. But as always, he sees the good and positive in anyone and everything and tilts his head back with a smile that is nowhere near the usual but Kakashi takes it. “Well, then he’s an idiot, you know? If he doesn’t love someone as awesome as you!”

Maybe Kakashi is the one with a praise kink. The words make him giddy despite what is unspoken and he laughs and squeezes Naruto a little closer until they all but fuse. “Maa, he is kind of an idiot.” He means it only in the loving way. Not that it matters. 

He gently kneads Naruto’s upper arm, in awe at the thick muscle. It is tense at first, but every pass of Kakashi’s fingers makes it unbunch, little but little. His fingers could move on. Settle on Naruto’s hip, eventually. Or waist. Had Naruto been his, that is. 

The room is still. Only the sound of rain, and Naruto sniveling sometimes, and fabrics rustling whenever Naruto defies physics and finds yet another way to melt into either the couch or Kakashi’s side (not that he is complaining).

Someone must have killed a spider, Kakashi thinks at the smattering of tiny raindrops against the roof and window. It’s therapeutic in a sense; it’s cold and wet out there, and painfully warm and intimate in here. He reminds himself, constantly, that this isn’t his. 

Naruto’s hand rests on Kakashi’s stomach, and it’s difficult not to feel the heat radiate into his very core. 

“This guy..” 

“What guy?” Kakashi asks, surprised Naruto isn’t sound asleep as the silence would have indicated. 

“The one that you loved.”

Love d . “Yes?”

“Will you tell him?”

Kakashi hesitates. Recalls Sakura’s words. “No.”

“You should, you know!” Naruto insists with a fervent nod, unintentionally rubbing himself against Kakashi’s stomach. “I bet he loves you too, and then you can live happily together! You deserve someone who loves you, and you probably wouldn’t even make it that difficult to love you, right?” 

“Probably not,” Kakashi admits, even if Naruto doesn’t grasp the extent. 

“You probably melt really fast, right?” Naruto tilts his head up again. Their eyes meet; Naruto’s are puffy and bloodshot but relaxed. Completely relaxed. He lifts his hand off Kakashi's stomach and puts it over his cheek, sliding it up into his hair where he scratches gently at the scalp and of course Kakashi melts. “Like this! You’re like a puppy..” Naruto hums it like a little melody, never ceasing his gentle assault. “You’re not cold.. Anyone who thinks you’re anything less than mushy softness trapped behind a stony mask just doesn’t know you well enough.” 

Somewhere, in the depths of cerulean eyes, Kakashi catches something. It’s fleeting, unharnassable, like trying to catch lightning in a bag, and it flickers past as fingers tenderly brush through gray hair just above the line where the mask cuts off. 

How easy it would be.. just slide it down, bask quickly in the awe doubtless to ensue, and then claim the slightly puffy lips. Shock would probably allow for their lips to remain locked for a few seconds, before it all comes down without mercy, and Kakashi ruins everything in mere moments. 

On point, in other words. 

Their breaths mingle. Kakashi’s being the last herbal tea he had when wrangling the final papers; Naruto’s an indiscernible sweetness that Kakashi isn’t sure is natural or as a result of an indulgent sweet tooth. Does he taste as sweet? With eyes shut and a hand caressing him softly, it’s easy to imagine. The taste. The feeling. The messy little noises. 

“Promise me you’ll tell him one day, okay?” Naruto says with cautious optimism only he can muster even as his throat is thick from crying. Like he gets a sudden idea, he snaps his fingers and Kakashi mourns the loss of the tender hand in his hair, but can’t deny the effect the reawakened spark in Naruto’s eyes has on him. “I know, I’ll help you! Just say the word and I’ll bring out the tails, hold him down!”

Sakura's words echo again. 

You can still do things that make you feel joy.

“I..”

Really live and accept the feelings offered to you .

Naruto still looks at him with those deep blue eyes that just lock all Kakashi’s thought process, making Sakura’s words spin faster and even more disorganized.

“Would you..”

This might come as a shock to you, but you deserve love and tenderness.

No inappropriate intent is assumed when Kakashi, hand strictly working on its own device, brushes the length of Naruto’s jaw with his palm. It longs to cup the back of Naruto’s head, where it can rest, but it might raise suspicion. And he can’t guarantee that he won’t lose himself in the moment, allowing himself something detrimental to allow any chance of keeping Naruto, if so even at a distance. So he lets his palm move from jaw to hair to the air beyond, eventually coming down on his own knee. Where it’s safe. 

“One day, I’ll say something.” Kakashi eventually conseeds with a sliver of a smile. Giving up isn’t Naruto’s deal, and Kakashi doesn’t have the energy to try to evade any more minefields. “How does that sound?” 

“Good..” Naruto burrows back in Kakashi’s chest, his knuckles almost going white as he holds a firm grip on his shirt. 

Kakashi chuckles with a new vibrato in his throat, nudging the tense hand a little with his own. “Take it easy, I’m not going anywhere.”

As soon as the words leave his mouth, he snaps his it shut, afraid that the words, meant as comfort, are the dire opposite in this moment. 

But Naruto just sighs and lets it travel through his body, melting like Kakashi did just moments earlier. “I know..” 

Eventually, Naruto actually falls entirely still. Snoring softly from crying, but at least breathing like he isn’t dying anymore.

Kakashi on the other hand.. Kakashi stays awake and cherishes the familiar shape, hugging his the sunshine closer and closer and ignoring the searing in his chest that is a little like heartburn, but isn't. It’s sunburn. 

Being too close to the radiating and sweltering and life giving heat, but never staying long enough to not die a little every day.