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"Can’t believe I’m going to spend this day with you another year."
"Do you have a better plan?" Minho looked at him with an inexpressive face and a creepy little smile across it, typical intimidating Minho tactic, making Han sigh. "C’mon, we’ll just watch movies and be lazy at home, you’ll not even remember what day it is", Minho said going ahead to the exit of the supermarket with two bags full of sweets and sodas.
That morning Minho decided to go back to the dorms to have a movie marathon with his friends on Valentine’s day. In his own words, to show them his love and appreciation.
After the Japan encore, almost all the kids took the opportunity to travel home and spend time with their families taking advantage of the little time off the company gave them. Felix took the chance to fly to Australia, and the other ones traveled to their parents homes to rest. But as normal in those cases, Han and Chan stayed in the dorm instead (both with their own personal reasons to take those decisions). Internally, Han knew it was this what made Minho decide to be back at the dorms earlier, making up that shitty excuse of having a date with them that day to avoid him and Chan being alone for a long time, because the older one was sweet on the intentions but way too worried sometimes. Not like it was a wrong assumption anyways, but they were already two grown men who can handle a little of sadness and/or loneliness on their own.
However, Chan’s plans were different, and that ‘Valentine’s day movie marathon to show them his love and appreciation’ became just the usual movie marathon between them two as they always do when times provide. But it was okay, because Han didn’t have the energy that day to maintain conversations or pay attention to others for a prolonged time. With Minho it was easy to communicate, sometimes they did not even need to communicate verbally at all to make the other understand what they wanted, silence was a pretty common and appreciated presence between them.
"Are you ready?" He asked Minho, who was still making popcorn in the kitchen.
"Almost!" He set the first movie of the day, and after the older took a seat beside him on the couch, their little movie date started.
The popcorn smell and chewing noise was the atmosphere in that living room during that afternoon. They were immersed in the movie comfortably leaning one over the other, eating sweets and drinking soda, until at some point questions started to pop out in Han’s brain while watching.
"Why are we watching a romcom? We never choose this type of movies. I feel sad now I think about it."
"Why?"
"Doesn’t it make you feel sad to spend this day with me?" He moved his head a little to have a better view of Minho’s face, but the older didn’t flinched a bit, instead he continued eating popcorn. Didn't answered either. "Pay me attention, I’m mad…" Whispered.
"Your worries are funny sometimes." Han felt offended, his jaw dropped making Minho giggle. "I’m not making fun of you, just… Why are you mad? Because we’re here together? I can go if it makes you feel better."
"Of course not! Is not that…"
"So what is it?"
"Don’t know, I woke up feeling irritated today." He positioned himself with his arms hugging his legs.
"Wanna go out?" Han looked at him with a very expressive glance which Minho clearly understanded. "I can buy you whatever you want."
"Don’t wanna."
"Don’t be a baby."
"I am a baby compared to you."
"Ooohhh… I see, so we woke up savage today."
"That’s what I’m trying to say!" He let his body fall to the opposite side, still hugging his legs in a fetal position.
Conversation stopped there, and some more minutes of watching the movie in silence passed again. Han glanced at Minho’s face from time to time, who seemed concentrated on the TV. But everything the younger could though was how much he wanted to go back to his room and snuggle in his bed under his sheets. It was not Minho’s fault of course, it was just how moody he could be sometimes what led him to be like that that day. But even when all of them were accustomed to it, it didn't feel right to push his friend out of his apartment. Especially knowing why Minho was there today and not at home with his family.
"What?" Minho asked without looking at Han’s direction, probably feeling the weight of his gaze.
"Nothing."
"I have something that maybe will lift your mood a little." Minho said getting up from the sofa to look for something inside the bag he brought. Surprisingly, the older gave him a little gold box with simple decorations which Han realized was a chocolate box.
"W-what…?"
"I bought one for you and one for Chan, but maybe I’ll not give him his ‘cause he’s not here, right? He doesn’t deserve my kindness", he said taking seat again. Han felt a little bad internally considering he was thinking how to get rid of Minho barely a few minutes ago.
"Thanks, but I don’t have chocolate for you…" Mumbled.
"I didn't buy you chocolate to have something in return, duh. In fact, you're already spending your day with me, so it’s okay." And he felt even more awful inside.
Han shared his chocolate with Minho after convincing him it was not fair if just one of them has chocolate today, and Minho refused to let Han go buy chocolate in return. When the movie was about to end, Han snuggled his face on the other’s shoulder in protest.
"Why?!"
"Wanna watch a horror movie now." He declared searching on Netflix for the next movie. "Never want to see a romcom with you ever again, it was weird."
"Why you refuse to be all lovey dovey with me today?! I’m here for you." Minho pouted. "But you're not appreciating me."
"Don’t say that, is gross." Minho laughed.
"I thought it’ll be a funny one but you’re right, it was awful. Sorry."
"You’re forgiven just because of the chocolate."
"Yay!" Han smiled and pressed play to the next movie.
"Wait", Minho paused the TV again. "Before it gets later, let’s order some dinner", said, grabbing his phone to search for delivery. "What you want to eat?"
"Whatever you want."
"Such a romantic."
"Pick whatever you want babe, I pay."
"Woh!" Minho looked at him faking surprise and Han wiggled his eyebrows with a funny expression. Both burst into laughter.
"Sorry for acting like a jerk today…" He rested his head on Minho’s thighs while he still searched for a restaurant.
"That’s why I’m here, because I know you. And I’m glad because it could have being worst without Chan here."
"Yeah… You’re not mad?"
"Mad?"
"Maybe next time I’ll accept your offer to go with you to Gimpo." Minho smiled at him comically.
"Mom will be happy to be your Valentine." Han laughed.
"Well, now that I think about it, maybe one of us will not be available next year on this date. Maybe both. We never know."
"You’ll date my mom?" He left his phone on the side after ordering some bulgogi in a restaurant close to their location.
"Stop that!" Poked Minho’s stomach with one finger.
"Let’s continue", said pressing play to the movie.
Without abandoning his position, they watched the movie for a few seconds before Han returned to the conversation.
"When was the last time you received chocolate for this day?"
"You’re very talkative today, uh."
"Sorry I’ll shut up", but he felt a poke on the ribs. "Ah!"
"You first." Han frowned at him giving the back to the TV now.
"Mmmmmm… maybe in highschool?"
"Really?" Han blushed but the older one was not looking at him luckily.
"Yeah… I remember it was from a girl I was dating the last year of highschool."
"How sweet", saw him smile a little from below. "You didn’t have another girlfriend after that? What happened to her?"
"Nothing, we just walked separate paths. And no, when I arrived here I became too focused on music. Before Chan-hyung and Changbin-hyung entered my life, I never paid attention to any other person around me here, you know…-" Minho nodded. Han stared at him waiting for Minho to proceed with his anecdote, but the older just continue to watch the movie unbothered. "And…?"
"And what?"
"Tell me yours! You’re insufferable hyung."
"I have nothing to say."
"Nothing?" Han looked at him annoyed. "Don’t lie, I opened my heart to you, now’s your turn."
"You want me to make up a story for you? Okay, mm…" Han made a tantrum.
"Not fair."
"I don’t have a love story to tell you Hannie, sorry."
"Can’t believe you."
"Why?" Minho frowned at him.
"Because even I had a girlfriend at some point?" Minho flicked Han's forehead. "Auch!"
"You’re not allowed to talk bad about my Hannie", suddenly, he thought he saw a flinch of uncomfortability on his hyung’s face before returning his gaze to the front. "I’m telling the truth, I never had a lover or a romantic interest. I mean, no one approached me with serious intentions at least." His jaw dropped for real this time. It couldn’t be true.
"Huh?" He repositioned himself on the couch now looking at Minho directly. "It can’t be true."
"Why not?" He seemed a little annoyed now.
"Hyung! You’re the most handsome man I ever knew objectively speaking! I said that to you so many times it’s embarrassing at this point", pointed at him aggressively. "And not just that, but you’re caring and sweet and a functional adult and a good friend, an awesome son, a wonderful idol… I can’t believe this bullshit. You’re definitely lying. I refuse to believe you." He made a cross with his arms, and Minho stared at him surprised, blinking two, three, four times before a little huff left his lips and smiled. A sad smile. One Han didn’t missed.
"But I’m weird too. And difficult to handle according to others." His eyes moved to Han for a second, then he rested his cheek on one of his hands trying to pay attention to the movie again. Han felt his chest tight.
"Hyun-..."
"It’s okay anyway", he interrupted. "Not that I really care honestly. I meant it when I said I struggle to make friends even, no many people want to cope with persons they don’t find comfortable enough to have around because of their “weirdness” or “difficultness”, and I can’t blame them." The younger clenched his fists on his thighs, feeling heartbroken to hear something like that coming from Minho himself.
From one of the persons he most values in his life.
From the one he just wanted to push aside some moments ago too.
He felt his eyes watering until the doorbell interrupted.
"Oh, the food is here!"
He barely enjoyed the food that night, it tasted sour and the knot in his throat and stomach made the task even more difficult.
.
.
.
That conversation remained in Han’s memory repeating in his head like a loop for days. How useless he felt not knowing what to say to Minho to make him feel better, to erase that stupid sad smile of his face and make his friend, his soulmate according to both, feltl at least appreciated.
What kind of a shitty soulmate is he if he can’t even do that for the other?
It was weird. It was weird because it was Minho, and Minho rarely allowed himself to be weak in front of others. That’s how much the older trust him, and he failed him.
"What’s up?" Changbin caressed the back of Han’s head suddenly, not noticing when he entered the studio. "You look distracted."
"I’m not… I almost got the melody", mumbled.
"Something happened?"
"I said no."
"So what about the long face?"
"I’m anxious, okay?" Pointed at his mouth with his fingers faking a smile. "Let me be."
"You’re not anxious, I know you, you’re just being a brat. Want to talk?"
"Ugh!" He rubbed his face on his hands, annoyed. Chan entered holding some coffee cups.
"Oh, you made him angry already?" Blamed Changbin for Han’s mood.
"Is not my fault! He’s being a brat, I just wanted to help."
"What are you doing Hannie?" Chan took a seat on the desk letting the coffee aside and looking curious at the monitor, but Han skillfully closed everything he was working on.
"Nothing, just a song, but I will continue later. What are we going to do today?" Asked moving himself to the side to let Chan in front of the computer.
"Uhm… I have some melodies I want both of you to hear, even a demo from Jinnie and a request from Jeonginnie. But let’s-..." He stopped mid sentence looking at a paper that caught his attention. Han and Changbin stared at him waiting for him to continue, until Chan grabbed those papers.
"Hey!" Han aggressively took them from Chan’s hands, startled him.
"Sorry it just…"
"Hey, hey" Changbin grabbed Han’s shoulder trying to calm him down. "You've been very intense lately, what’s happening?" He made Han take seat.
After looking at his hyungs a few times and notice the worry in their faces, he tried to calm down. Legs shaking and hands sweating from nervousness. Maybe it would be better if he spoke to his hyungs?
"Mm…" Both watched him with attention. "Well…"
"Why are you mad?" Changbin insisted.
"It has something to do with the song you wrote?"
"Wait, wait, too fast. Let me recap", he took a deep breath. "Remember last week I spent Valentine’s day with Minho because you all left the dorms?"
"Ooohhh", both exclaimed at the same time. Han frowned.
"Don’t “Oh” me, what the hell?"
"So it’s about Minho" Changbin said with a smirk.
"And? Let me finish. Don’t assume. Well, we were watching movies and eating trash all comfy on the sofa until we started to talk, all my own fault I have to admit, about Valentine’s dates." He made a silence.
"So…?" Chan gestured with his hand.
"So he said he NEVER, EVER, had a lover before. Not even a date. Not even someone who showed romantic feelings for him!" The oldest got silent and confused. "And I don’t understand why! Like… Minho is perfect?" Changbin almost choked. "Why are you laughing? I’m talking seriously." Chan smiled fondly.
"That’s what is making you mad?"
"I’m not mad… I’m… well, maybe a little?"
"Why?"
"He said it's because he's weird, and difficult to handle. It makes me mad to know he feels out of place most of the time around others? And now that I think about it, I can imagine and understand it. I’m like that sometimes too. I was like that for a long time. And it is horrible. And he… he feels sad about it. I saw his sad smile when talking about it."
"You’re hurted then." Changbin stated to Han’s confusion. "It hurts you to know he’s hurted by that and that’s why you feel mad, right?" Han chewed his bottom lip. "That’s why you’re making a song for him?" He blushed.
"Uhm…" Chan moved his chair next to Han and caressed his head while smiling.
"I bet he’ll feel very loved when listen to it."
"What?! No! He can’t know I wrote it for him."
"Why not? Isn’t it the reason you’re doing it?"
"N-no…"
"Then why?"
Then why?
Han started to write those lyrics as a method to let everything he wanted to tell Minho go, things he didn’t have the courage to say looking at his face directly. But it was everything out of pure guilt, and it felt bad, so bad. Guilt for made Minho sad with that confession, for thinking he was feeling annoyed by his presence that day, for every time he pushed his hyung aside underappreciating his gestures, and every other thing he made or said that could made Minho felt bad because that’s not what he feels towards him. He recognizes he can be bothersome or bratty sometimes, but it wasn’t his intention to be mean with his best friend.
Minho is his soulmate, and he never felt more grateful for a friendship than how he feels for Minho’s friendship.
He wanted Minho to feel loved, wanted, accepted.
"Isn’t it wrong?" Han whispered a little sleepy to Changbin who was reviewing a song for the umpteenth time. Chan left the room some hours ago after receiving a call from the company, so they were left alone with the songs and a great amount of caffeine in their systems.
"What’s wrong?"
"To write that type of lyrics for a friend?"
Deep in his heart, another thing that made Han feel uneasy was not known with certainty why he wrote that type of song for Minho. He usually doesn’t pay much attention to what his hand writes when he does it, he just adjusts whatever was on his mind after his brain stops bleeding on the paper. And what was on his mind this time made him feel confused, surprised of himself. Probably the first time he wrote something that deep talking about someone else.
First time realizing he apparently has that kind of feelings and thoughts for his bandmate.
"Why wouldn't it be okay?"
"Doesn’t it… weird?" he hugged one of the cushions burying his face in it. Changbin turned the chair to the younger one, staring at him seriously.
"You’re afraid?" Han gulped. "Why you're afraid of?" And exhaled in frustration.
"Because if I were the one who read that, I’ll think someone wrote it for his love interest. Hyung is not my love interest, I’m not-..." Something in Changbin's expression told him he was wrong. Or maybe not wrong, but not right either. "You think…?"
"I think it’s okay to have that kind of feelings for someone you appreciate", he crossed his arms. Changbin in a big brother role makes Han want to pay respect to him. "And I totally believe it’s love. Romantic or platonic? I don’t know, you’ll learn with time. But honestly? I wouldn’t pay attention or worry about it in your situation. It doesn’t have to change anything between you two if you don’t want to, you know? And he doesn’t know anything about this. Boy, take it easy, don’t push yourself, and I’m sure time will guide you to whatever it has to happen." He smiled fondly making Han feel warm, a little light even. He nodded.
That night Han’s brain took a good rest for the first time in days.
.
.
.
"I will buy it, how much do you want? Can I do it in several payments?"
"No! I said is mine!" Seungmin continued to bug him.
"What he wants?" Minho asked curiously after hearing Han and Seungmin disagreement for a few minutes.
"My new song, he has been like this for the last two days. Thank God we live separately now" Han laughed.
"You wrote a new song?" Minho stopped chopping carrots to look at the younger with a frown. "Why did Kim Seungmin listen to it before me? How mean, I bought you cheesecake yesterday." Han smiled while leaning over the counter.
"You jealous? Maybe I’ll let you hear it if you grant me a date to the Han River and a snack. I’ll pay." Minho looked at him raising an eyebrow.
"Feeling generous today?"
"With you? Always." He said with cockiness, feeling satisfied when Minho’s ears turned red.