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"I never felt like I was falling until you told me I wasn't allowed to."
It was the truth. Kaeya never had even questioned such a thing because truthfully, it had gone over his head.
He met with many people, knew the ins and outs of almost anyone he set his eyes on and yet Rosaria manages to catch him with those words of hers.
She's tactical. Independent.
She doesn't need Kaeya and Kaeya assumes he doesn't need her until she breaks those words to him mid kiss.
"Don't get too attached or anything," Rosaria says far too casually.
Kaeya can only brush her words off in the heat of the moment because he's practically starving for her.
For her.
The second time she tells him is after a feverish love making. It was spontaneous, like most of their kisses were, and took place in the dimly lit streets of Mondstadt where no one would dare to wander at such an hour.
Kaeya could only fall victim to her haste, allowing Rosaria to take him by the waist and messily shove him to one of those tables that people occasionally drink at when the sun was gleaming its godforsaken glow.
She first told him he was desperate, uttering it carelessly between her chaste-feigning lips.
Kaeya pleaded, as always. Those words went over his head. Perhaps he likes it when she teases him, he isn't sure. He isn't able to process the weight of her words until those hungry hands of hers stop at his pleads, almost like Kaeya was begging her to stop when it was evidently quite the contrary.
"Just-- Promise me you won't get attached- okay?"
‘She sounds so soft’, is the first thought Kaeya can conjure. It’s different from her usual speech and reminds Kaeya that she’s incredibly human, with feelings and emotions that she won’t ever express.
She spoke with meaning, as always, and if Kaeya hadn't opened his eyes, he wouldn't have caught that almost guilty expression that sat under her heap of unkempt hair.
Her unkempt style suits her. That is all Kaeya can think.
"Of course," Kaeya promises, naturally. Too naturally for someone that hasn't given her words a second thought.
The third reminder dawns on the day Rosaria kept him company.
Kaeya was drunk. Far too drunk for someone of his status but evidently too intoxicated to be within the mind to care.
Rosaria knows why he's like this and no matter how inebriated the Cavalry Captain may be, no matter how much he pushes himself to drink more, he still can't rid himself of that self awareness. It sits in his mind whenever he stares at Rosaria, aware that the nun is far too knowledgeable for her own good but thankfully is an angel at keeping not just his secrets, but secrets in general.
'I should leave,' are the words Kaeya wants to say, because internally, he's embarrassed to have someone know him this well.
"Augh...Can...Can you stay?", are the words Kaeya mutters out recklessly instead.
He's drunk, though. He's got an excuse prepared for when Rosaria rejects him.
"Fine," Is the response Kaeya receives instead, which only makes his toes curl and his back arch in confusion.
He wants to question it, but doesn't. He needs to play coy to keep Rosaria around.
"Don't get used to it," Is the introduction to her third warning, "No point in getting attached."
Kaeya wants to testify, but doesn't. He's still drunk and letting her know that he's processing her thoughts is dangerous because, well, she might leave.
"O-kay," Kaeya chimes back instead, grinning at her with a look that could've killed any citizen by how pure he seemed.
Rosaria can only chastise herself for being so conscious in what purity really means and where it lies.
No one is pure. Kaeya Alberich is far far from it.
But perhaps there is an element of pureness about him, a pureness she prefers to identify as idiocy.
But alas, she ignores it.
Kaeya can rest on her arm until he sleeps. She won't stay there all night anyway. She has a job to do.
The final warning strikes Kaeya like a filthy blade.
The blade used to cut him, it cuts deep and to no surprise is coincidentally filthy.
Perhaps it's because this blade has stabbed Kaeya many times but he's been simply too busy to notice.
A high pain tolerance.
Idiocy.
A lack of awareness.
An impenetrable false judgement; one that was doomed from the start.
It hits Kaeya when she says it this time.
"Not tonight," She excuses, pushing Kaeya away after having her hand on his thigh for the last ten minutes.
Kaeya knows she likes to tease. She says it a lot.
"Fine by me," Is another lie Kaeya utters, just like the rest, effortless and fluent.
"Good," Rosaria consolidates, nodding to herself and bringing one of those shots to her lips in unison with her friend.
The silence only lasts so long before Kaeya becomes bold.
Presumptuous.
"What's up?", Kaeya quizzes Rosaria, his fingers delicately holding the shot glass by its rim as he tilts the tiny reminisce of drink back and forth in his practically empty glass.
"Nothing," Rosaria concludes, "Why do you ask?"
Kaeya can't help but expect such an answer from the dear Sister. 'It's nothing' is practically her catchphrase. She never admits what's wrong.
Surely there's something wrong with her.
She wouldn't deny Kaeya otherwise.
"I see," Kaeya answers between heavy thoughts, speculating why, "You don't have to tell me."
Kaeya believes it would have ended there if it weren't for the stubbornness of his drinking partner.
"I know," She responds, acting as if his comfort serves as some type of threat, "But there's nothing wrong."
Kaeya knows she's insistent.
He figures she's dealing with something.
It's not the first time she's done this and so, Kaeya shrugs it off.
There's something wrong. She just doesn't want to say. It's not the first.
It's not the last time either.
Kaeya laid off from his advances. Rosaria likes to tease, still, but Kaeya is good at picking up on patterns.
Rosaria likes to tug. She likes to pull and twist, roping Kaeya as far as she can, closer and closer until he responds.
The moment he responds, she lets go.
Kaeya would have called it the devil's art if he hadn't known the ethereal-nature of this guarded angel. She wouldn't hurt him intentionally and therefore Kaeya excuses her with a million alibis.
But it hurts when she denies him.
"Can I not show appreciation to Mondstadt's dearest and most daring Sister?", Kaeya asks on a drunken whim with drunken courage.
"You most certainly cannot," Rosaria mimics his mannerisms back with a smirk, unphased until Kaeya places his hand on her forearm.
He hasn't felt her in months.
"Can I not fall for the dear Sister in front of me?"
"No," Rosaria denies instantly, her clawed hands curling and tugging away from Kaeya in an instant that went by too fast, "You cannot."
He hasn't touched her in months.
"Ah, I see, I see," Is all Kaeya can chatter back, persistent.
"I don't suppose the dear Sister would allow me to show her my gratitude for all her hard work lately?"
"Depends if you do something useful," Rosaria quips back with her darting lips that threaten to move faster than the dagger in her eyes.
They point towards Kaeya, threateningly. She smiles.
"Is a little compassion not of any use?", Kaeya initially jokes, but when she stares, he questions the validity of such a statement.
"Why would it be?", Rosaria snaps back, witty and all-too-enchanting for her own good, "I wouldn't suppose this is a selfish proposal, is it?"
She really has him pinned at that one and Kaeya can only chuckle in response. He adores the part of her that reads him so well but simultaneously finds it unnerving because realistically, no one can read the Cavalry Captain better than the ‘average’ Sister can.
"You wound me, Sister," Is all Kaeya can feign amidst another sip of alcohol to drown his worries.
The formidable Sister rolls her eyes.
"I warned you," She practically blames, her words light yet weighing heavy in Kaeya's mind.
He knows exactly what words she's referring to and embarrassingly is aware of them the instant she speaks.
"I know," Kaeya occupies the silence, smiling with a drink over his fictitious lips, "You needn't worry. I heed your words of warning. They remain fresh."
Rosaria nods, but painstakingly so. She forces herself to respond.
"Good."
She knows too well that he may have listened. He might have heard her, but whether he took the correct caution was another debate.
The way he's looking at her, even through his peripheral; it scares her.
That blue eye of his is overly exposed, far too bright and challenging to be so carelessly setting itself on her, watching her every move with an unfathomable interest, as if the man it belongs to cares about her that much.
"Another drink?", The eye offers suddenly, sparkling with hope.
"Sure."
Rosaria can deny him, but only so much.
Kaeya's heart beats far too loud for humanly possible. It reaches his ears, pounding uncontrollably as he watches Rosaria drunkenly stumble around one of the trees in Windrise.
She's absolutely out of it, for once.
It's rare she lets her image go but tonight, she is.
She's more giggly than usual. She's laughing, smiling, practically falling over and humiliating herself but still not giving a care in the world.
Kaeya admires that feature in Rosaria.
She has a stubborn pride at times, but it's locked with priority. She prioritises herself and Kaeya can admire such a trait, using the fact to illustrate the implications of what's currently happening.
Rosaria allowing Kaeya to see her like this is almost uncanny.
But he loves it. He loves her.
He can only think about loving her in such moments. Attached. Just like Rosaria warned.
He's stupid, he knows, just like Rosaria said. It's like she knows him better than he does.
Rosaria knows him far more than he does himself.
Before Kaeya can even say the words, she looks at him with that face. That beautifully charming face of hers. She's a handsome woman.
"Don't," Rosaria warns him, like a dog.
Kaeya figures it's best to heed her warnings. He's used to keeping secrets, even if this secret is known.
He supposes many secrets are known, they're just unspoken.
That's what Kaeya's love for Rosaria is.
Maybe everyone knows. Maybe everyone can see and that's why Rosaria gets so unnecessarily tense at his name. She doesn't like the implications of the way Sister Victoria rings her name through the claps of her choir-leading tongue.
"Captain Kaeya?", She mentions whenever he's brought up, staring towards the Sister that has too much on her plate to stick around.
She hates it when Diluc looks at her, his stern gaze softening, as if he's relaxed at the sight of her simply sitting beside Kaeya.
She despises pity. She perceives his one of many gazes as such.
That weak smile Jean gave to her after mentioning his name in passing, or the time that Kaeya had gotten hurt and Barbara decided no one else was better for the job other than the Sister herself.
Rosaria wasn't even that good at healing. She'd never listened to the practices and all her experience was self taught.
She did not want to go, but supposedly, Kaeya wouldn't let anyone see him but her.
She didn't understand what that was all about.
They were not close, she thought.
But when she asked, Kaeya laughed, almost like the answer was obvious.
"What do you mean?", Kaeya choked out a laugh, "I would prefer to keep myself decent in the eyes of most. You're the only person to have no such image to savour."
It's fancy talk for saying 'you're the only person who's seen me naked and I'm shy'.
Rosaria hated how he danced around it, like most things (especially things that embarrassed him), but found herself occasionally thankful. He was saving her pride while simultaneously protecting his own.
Rosaria hated it, but at the admission, she softened that day.
She quickly reminded herself that it was all tease. Kaeya did not mean that and surely many had seen him indecent; such words spawned from the character of Kaeya Alberich and not the person himself. She was almost certain that nobody knew that guy, probably not even Kaeya himself.
They were not honest and Rosaria did not want them to be because obviously, she practiced what she preached and vowed to never find herself attached.
Especially to someone like him.
The way he laughs and chuckles is obnoxious and rather than charming, she'd call him fake. He's sly, hiding too much for his own good but unfortunately mirroring Rosaria well in such an aspect, to a degree where it almost discomforts her.
She brushes him off, thankfully. When she needs to, she pretends he doesn't exist and instead takes her frustration of her feelings out on the streets of Mondstadt that seem to always be littered with hilichurls and hoarders.
But no matter how harsh she swings the light weight of her dagger-like polearm, it never hits just right.
Those feelings never quench and that heart of hers that she believed to be broken was now beating diligently.
She hates it.
She isn't used to it. It's been years. She had forgotten how to love but the facts of today were unfortunate.
Rosaria never really remembered what falling was like until she told Kaeya he wasn't allowed to.
The admittance makes it worse.
"You're not allowed to fall for me, no," Rosaria reminds hypocritically, unable to look the Cavalry Captain in the eyes as she warns him yet again.
She's rotten work.
He does not want this.
He does not deserve this.
"That's fine."
It's better this way. He would prefer it, Rosaria knows that. She knows him better than he knows himself.
She knows he's hurting when he's sitting beside her, but ultimately doesn't believe it. She doesn't understand. She doesn't see why anyone would be so hellbent on being with someone like her.
The intimacy, maybe. Kaeya is lonely and looking for love in all the wrong places, she supposes. Much like her.
"Can I say it though? Just once."
She knows what he means.
"Just get it over and done with."
Kaeya takes his time.
Maybe it's because he's not drunk out of his mind.
He has to do it right. He's treating it like his last chance, staring at her with a trillion stars in his eyes that challenge the moon's army of starlit skies most nights. His face is bright. Hopeful.
His hand ghosts hers shakily, wanting to take it but needing to ask her first.
"Just do it," Rosaria forces, pushing Kaeya her hand forcefully and shaking the Cavalry Captain enough to almost push him off the bridge.
Naturally, both his hands spring to Rosaria, but her hands already seem to have grabbed him by the waist.
Just in case he fell, obviously.
Kaeya would have made a joke right now if he had any ounce of facade left in him, but instead he's red, glowing bright at the mere implications of her hands on his waist yet again.
He's craved that touch for a while, for so long that he wants to almost tear up at the feeling again.
He sedates his emotions with the reminder that they scare Rosaria off whenever he expresses them.
"I love you."
Kaeya blinks, staring at Rosaria, lost.
That was his line. He was supposed to say that, not her.
Rosaria's hands gripped him tighter, pulling him in for a kiss.
But Kaeya doesn't want a kiss. He's too scared.
He doesn't want to kiss her again when so unprepared. It might be his last if he lets her do so.
"I love you too," Kaeya promises, his hands tightly hooking around the base of Rosaria’s head.
"I'm sorry," Are the next set of words to leave Kaeya's lips.
"It's fine," Rosaria guards herself, pretending that this feeling of rejection isn't killing her inside.
"I want to kiss you," Kaeya admits, earnest and soft as he draws his head further back, just to take the sight of her in because shit, she's beautiful.
"It's fine," Rosaria concludes again, acting like she knows Kaeya better than he knows himself.
Acting like he's lying.
"I mean it-!", Kaeya begs, far too loud for wide eyed Rosaria's comfort.
So, he repeats himself; softer.
"I...I-I mean it."
A part of Rosaria wants to believe him. A part of her does.
But she's telling herself it's for all the wrong reasons and this idea of love in his head is nothing more than a mistake. He is mistaken. This is not love, this is loneliness. He is looking to fill that gap and she's the only one that was willing to.
"Believe me, please," Kaeya begs yet again, staring at Rosaria who simply can't meet this gaze while speculating.
She's imagining the ugly parts of Kaeya right now. She's attempting to remind herself of all those gross parts of him, the parts that she 'hates', attempting to remind herself of all the reasons she shouldn't love him.
But it doesn't work.
Her eyes meet his finally, expecting to have that heart of hers change and yet, for some reason, it doesn't.
He's pure.
Her heart practically aches, threatening to burst and pour that toxic liquid into her insides.
That's all her heart is full of. It's nothing good and Rosaria has little to offer.
She doesn't understand how Kaeya can even feign an interest in her, no matter how lonely he is. It's not worth it and most likely the Cavalry Captain is unaware of such a fact.
"Kaeya," Rosaria has to let out, his name ringing back in her own ears as she mutters it quietly.
It's supposed to sound threatening.
"I know you don't believe me," Kaeya assumes. Correctly, it seems, "But I mean it. It's true."
"And what of my warnings?", Rosaria scoffs, her jaw tensing as her eyes lowered to where her hands still sat on his waist. They're comfortable there.
Far too comfortable for her own liking.
"I didn't listen to your warnings. I couldn't," Kaeya admits hastily, "I can't- I-I couldn't-"
Kaeya stared at her, his gaze not breaking despite being more than knowledgeable in Rosaria's reluctance to reciprocate it.
"But you can't control feelings, can you?"
Rosaria begs to differ. She's been harnessing hers for years and believes she's doing just fine.
"Rosaria," Kaeya calls out, expecting a vocal answer.
Rosaria's eyes lift to him, intending to give him the answer in her gaze, but her face weakens and she gives the wrong answer.
Wrong answer meaning the answer she doesn't want to give, not the false one.
The answer she gives is the truth.
Kaeya smiles, albeit meek and uncanny for him. Rosaria can only note how out of character he's being.
Perhaps that's a sign that this is the guy behind all those charming quips and light hearted squabbles.
"You're an idiot," Rosaria mumbles in utter confirmation, and although it doesn't solidify it fully, it gives enough hope to Kaeya.
He pulls himself closer, his head finally tilting downwards, and ultimately vulnerabile in the way that he does so.
"Tell me you love me again."
Rosaria pauses.
"Please."
Rosaria blinks, unsure.
"I...want to hear it, please."
She knows that if she were to say it again, it's the truth. The uncertainty stemmed from why.
Maybe he is using her for comfort.
The thought almost acts as a needle, threatening to pierce that pumping heart of hers.
"I love you," Kaeya whispers out, although it falls on deaf ears and Rosaria can only take so much.
She cannot accept it a second time. It's lost meaning by now and Kaeya can tell in the way she's holding him. Her hands lift, ghosting his waist and before they can leave, Kaeya draws himself closer.
He hugs her.
He doesn't ask, for once.
He plants his face in the warmth of her aching chest, searching for some kind of answer. Kaeya needs one.
Rosaria can't pull her hands away from his waist, a feeling weighing heavy on her chest, both inside and out.
"Give me time," Rosaria pleads, suddenly, "I...I-I need time."
Kaeya, despite needing reassurance, understands.
"I can do that," Kaeya nods, compliant, "I'll wait however long. That's fine."
Rosaria scoffs, leaning her head on his.
"How long are you willing to wait?", Rosaria challenges teasingly, "Haven't I made you wait enough?"
Kaeya shrugs, conjuring a response as he relaxes in her embrace, content.
"I'd wait however long," Kaeya responded, candid.
Rosaria wants to know why. She doesn't see the appeal and his reasoning is sure to be blank.
"I don't really have a choice," Kaeya chokes out another honest set of words, but his truth serum is running low and that awkward feeling of vulnerability is spilling into his chest as the time ticks by.
"Alright," Rosaria decides his time is up. She's not going to push him and instead figures actions have always spoke louder than words and therefore favoured holding him like this than expressing confessions.
"I'll hold you to it though."
She wonders how long he'll wait.
Maybe she should make him wait forever just to prove a point.
Surely, he won't do so.