Chapter Text
Yoongi didn’t love his boyfriend.
…
Yeah .
There was no other way of putting it– As much as he tried to . As much as he tried to put it another way or, well, tried to love .
He just. Didn’t love his boyfriend.
It wasn’t something he figured out overnight. It took him some time, two months, to be exact. Or, to be honest, it probably would’ve taken him a lot less if he’d just stopped to think about it. Two months prior, back when their relationship was the topic of their conversation for the first time.
Matter of fact, as much as it was indeed Yoongi who’d proposed they dated, he wasn’t really given much of a choice.
He met Jimin back in 2010, when they were both still in high school. Yoongi, who was then a junior, had just parted ways with another fling, Taehyung, a sophomore. Taehyung had decided, along his parents, he’d change schools, and Yoongi had never thought of extending their relationship past the regular kissing sessions and private conversations they’d have behind the school building or near the staircase that led to the oldest boy’s classroom. These private occurrences would often happen during lunchtime, when everyone else was too busy in the cafeteria or in the library.
It was better that way, Yoongi concluded by himself, because he didn’t do long distance relationships. And Taehyung was gonna meet a lot of new, exciting people in his new high school, which was in another city, either way. It didn’t leave room for 17 year old Yoongi who was graduating the next year anyway, and they would never see each other again.
It was through Taehyung, though, that Yoongi met a few people, including Jimin. During break, through 2011, after Taehyung had left, Yoongi would still hang out with Jimin and some other boys from Taehyung’s group of friends, who’d grown fond of Yoongi during the previous year. Yoongi noticed how Jimin was different from Taehyung, how he was more reserved, less hyperbolic. He wasn’t as clumsy with his words either, because he didn’t say many.
It didn’t take Yoongi much time to get a reaction out of Jimin, though. At some point, at a house party, they finally kissed for the first time, and it was different from the kisses Yoongi shared with Taehyung. It was more physical, whereas Taehyung’s used to be gentler. More innocent, in a certain way.
Yoongi didn’t really mind; he liked it. It was just… different .
He wouldn’t kiss Jimin at school, though. For some reason deep in his mind, Yoongi felt like those moments alone with Taehyung would never be the same with Jimin. It was foreshadowing, really, but he wouldn’t have been able to tell back then.
Yoongi happened to meet Taehyung exactly two times in 2011, excluding one or two instances in which he saw the younger boy at the same restaurant he had lunch at on the weekends. Taehyung’s new high school’s students were sort of known for organizing good parties, which Yoongi and his own friends would often attend, before he’d even met Taehyung. So after he’d transferred schools, it wasn’t a big deal for Yoongi to keep attending said parties.
Sure, he’d have to deal with the fact everyone among their group of mutual friends knew that they used to. To be a thing. And all of Yoongi’s friends would eventually toss in a few jokes to make him feel uncomfortable. But it didn’t matter; Yoongi didn’t care. He didn't feel anything for Taehyung anymore. It was whatever.
The first time Yoongi saw Taehyung that year was at a party in the middle of fucking nowhere. It was set at an open field with a pond which someone would definitely fall into, and someone eventually did , though Yoongi didn’t see it really happen, he just heard about it afterwards. Yoongi’s friends organized a group of people among the town who’d attend the party and everyone rented a van and a driver together. He would pick everyone up at a gas station so they’d save a little time –and money–, he’d take the group to the remote location, pick them up before morning, and take them home.
When the van arrived at the gas station, Yoongi sat in the middle row of seats. Taehyung sat beside him, on the seat closest to the corridor and the door. They said their hellos and kept conversation going for, pretty much, the entire ride. At the party, they hung out for a bit, and eventually each one of them went their own ways to hang out with their friends.
When it was time to go and they went back to the van, Yoongi talked about random facts that didn’t interest Taehyung the least bit, but the latter listened in carefully. He showed Yoongi this new mobile game he’d started playing, and, eventually, even rested his head on the older boy’s shoulder.
It would be a huge, fat lie if Yoongi said he didn’t feel like kissing Taehyung again. He actually did, more than once. When he talked to Taehyung in the middle of the open field illuminated by the flashing lights of the stage-like structure build especially for the party in which a DJ played some plain-ass music hit, Yoongi noticed how Taehyung had let his hair grow out, and Yoongi felt like kissing him, wondering how the newly dyed hair would feel like on his fingers. When Yoongi found out the random boy he made out with was Taehyung’s age, he thought of him, and low key wished he’d kissed Taehyung instead.
When Yoongi walked back to the van with a few people, he talked to Taehyung only. When they sat at the van waiting for the rest of the people to come so they’d go home, Taehyung leaned in to show Yoongi this new game about soccer –or dinosaurs, or was it about war battles?–, Yoongi paid attention to any and everything but the phone screen in front of him. When Taehyung decided he’d chill for a bit until they got home and rested his head on Yoongi’s shoulder… he felt his heart flutter.
Looking back, two years later, he wouldn’t be able to tell anymore, but he thought maybe he’d even lent Taehyung his coat that night, because it was freezing. Or maybe Taehyung had brought his coat with him and Yoongi was already mixing memories up. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. But it didn’t matter.
It didn’t matter at all, because in the end, Yoongi didn’t do anything. He didn’t say a word, he didn’t tell Taehyung about any of his thoughts, he didn’t kiss Taehyung, and when they arrived at the younger boy’s house’s gate with the van, Taehyung turned back, said bye, and that was fucking it.
Truth is– things ended kind of off between Yoongi and Taehyung. After the latter transferred schools, Yoongi did in fact try to keep conversation through text a few times. But eventually he noticed a certain change in Taehyung’s behavior, something he couldn’t really put his finger on, until it was literally obvious. It was actually obvious all along, Taehyung just wasn’t into him anymore, something that was confirmed with words at some point.
So they just… stopped talking.
The second time Yoongi saw Mark that year was at yet another party. This time, though, at a club. When they met, Taehyung was eager to talk to him, something that made Yoongi confused but glad. They just had fun together that night like friends, and at some point Taehyung took Yoongi’s phone in his hands, opened the older boy’s Instagram and took a few selfies of them both. He also took a few selfies of himself, one on which he wrote ‘m single, ladies hmu.
Yoongi had fun, and when Taehyung told him if he wanted weed he should just ask because he knew a guy, Yoongi did ask. He wasn’t actually a stoner, he didn’t do pot regularly, but he did do it sometimes, at parties. And Taehyung knew, he knew even before he himself started doing it, even before he’d changed schools. And even if there were none of his friends to share a joint with, Yoongi still accepted it because he could just do it by himself, and because, well, he could. Because Taehyung told him he should just ask. So he did.
When Taehyung took him to said guy, it felt almost intimate. Almost like what they used to have in high school; like the feeling Yoongi would get when they’d walk together back to the main school building during lunchtime while everyone else was in the cafeteria or in the library, when they’d go to the staircase that led to Yoongi’s classroom, and they’d hang out behind a pillar and kiss, or just sit there and talk about themselves, their parents, their families, sitting side by side or across each other, sharing hand sizes or making sure at least their shoes would be touching.
When Taehyung took Yoongi to said guy, to his dealer, he didn’t hold his wrist or his hand so he wouldn’t get lost. But even if they didn’t, something in Yoongi still felt like they were linked, attached.
Yoongi bought the already rolled joint and stored it in the inner pocket of his jacket. Eventually, he got lost from Taehyung, and just hung out with some acquaintances. He made out with two or three people, and suddenly he saw himself alone in the back area of the club.
He wasn’t alone per say. Obviously, he was anything but alone. The huge balcony at the back of the club was the only open space and it was packed with people, though the interior of the building was more. Most people on the balcony were smoking, but some were also kissing, some, just chatting.
Yoongi luckily found a spot along the railing of the metal fence that limited the balcony, and walked up to it, leaning against the cold metal, resting his arms on it. He looked down and saw an empty lot, trashed and completely filled in by weeds and bushes that grew eagerly through the damp grass.
He looked ahead, and saw a few residential houses across the street. Most of them were engulfed by darkness, their owners most definitely asleep, but some had one or two lights lit inside that showed life within the walls.
Yoongi lit his joint. He’d never smoked weed by himself, but then again, weed didn’t actually get him high on any of the occasions he’d smoked it. Or maybe it did, but he was also drunk so couldn’t tell.
And it wasn’t different then, at that party. He smoked the joint, half of it, and it didn’t do a thing. It didn’t affect him whatsoever, different from the scene minutes or hours before, when Taehyung took pictures with him, and when Taehyung led him to the dealer. Different from being with Taehyung.
Yoongi pondered about how Taehyung had started going to parties and doing alcohol and pot after he’d transferred schools. How Taehyung had met new, more exciting people in that city than the people back in their town. How Taehyung knew probably more than one dealer, and Yoongi knew none. He wondered how the younger boy had met the dude back inside the club, if they were somewhat close, if they’d meet often, if they had a lot of mutual friends. Yoongi wondered if Taehyung was openly bisexual in this new environment like he was back in theirs. He wondered how many guys Taehyung had kissed now, if there had been any guys after Yoongi.
At some point, driven into his own little world of ifs and hows , Yoongi faltered into his dissociation as he heard a girl whine something along the lines “wish I had weed”. Yoongi gave in, not sure if the girl intended him to listen or if it was mere coincidence that he did, not really caring whichever it was. He was just bored and to be honest there was no reason for him to be inhaling smoke just for the sake of it if it didn’t do him nothing. He turned around and saw a group of friends talking, not really paying attention to him at all.
“You guys wanna take a hit?” He offered, showing the joint in his hand.
They happily accepted the offer. In exchange, Yoongi managed to stay with them, hanging out and talking with the new people while they smoked his half-burnt joint.
One of the girls among the group eventually started showing Yoongi her Instagram feed, aimlessly and mindlessly. They were talking about the posts in there, theorizing and judging other people’s pictures. She’d tell him a few gossips about the person whose picture they’d be seeing, someone who he didn’t know and would probably never know. Yet, he found himself interested and entertained.
He then saw Taehyung in the corner of his vision, walking behind them. Taehyung must have bumped into the girl, because she groaned annoyingly after she turned her head and saw the boy. “Hey!”
Taehyung, who was already a few feet away and talking to a group of people a little ahead, looked at them and waved. “Sorry, my bad.”
She turned back to face Yoongi and returned her attention to her phone. “That guy is such a nuisance, were classmates at school.”
Yoongi stood, thoughtful, for a few seconds and didn’t put his eyes back on the screen. Instead, he looked at her. “Oh?” He whispered, barely making any noise, just enough for her to keep talking.
“Yeah, we just don’t see eye to eye, I guess.” She says nonchalantly. “We made out once.”
“Me too.” Yoongi said, the words slipping through his teeth. He didn’t really intend to tell her, but suddenly it felt good admitting it out loud. It felt good lighting the flame, the fact that they used to be a thing, even though it shouldn’t be a big deal.
“Yeah? Did you like it? I didn’t, he isn’t too good of a kisser.” She said, not in an accusing tone nor trying to be mean, just– as a matter of fact.
Yoongi held his smile but didn’t answer, because he’d never really kissed kissed Taehyung; they’d just… kissed. Hell, they’d never even used their tongues on their kisses. Instead, Yoongi had never made out with Taehyung.
He started thinking, a shimmering glimpse of realization hitting his eyes– Taehyung didn’t kiss people like he used to kiss him . Yoongi felt a pang of bitterness in his mouth when it finally hit him– Taehyung had a whole other, new world at that moment and none of it had anything to do with Yoongi at all.
In the meantime, in between these two occasions in which Taehyung happened to cross Yoongi’s party life, the older boy still tried not to think about the other. And it worked, mostly. He’d hang out with Jimin sometimes, he’d eventually kiss Jimin at some house parties, he’d kiss other people at other parties… Everything was just fine.
Jimin didn’t attend Yoongi’s graduation party, though, and Yoongi didn’t really care. He enjoyed his night with his soon-to-be ex-classmates, texted Jimin a few “wish you were here” texts and that was it; they never saw each other again. Just like it happened with Taehyung.
In 2012, Yoongi enrolled in university. He’d been attending it for a few months and it was around April when one of his ex-classmates invited him for a party, one of those which were organized by Taehyung’s high school’s students. Yoongi didn’t think much about it when he accepted the invitation, because he had already been to a lot of those parties and after he’d started seeing Taehyung at those, he eventually found out it was no big deal.
It was fun, the party. He had his laughs, he had his alcohol, he saw old faces. A couple of old faces, including Taehyung’s.
Taehyung was there.
Taehyung was there, and he’d cut his hair, he’d grown taller and his voice had grown deeper. Looking into it, Yoongi realized it had turned into a recurrent thing, actually– the fact that every time he saw Taehyung, the boy was taller. He was, now, taller than Yoongi. He’d grown up so fast, so much faster than Yoongi’d ever grown. He was growing away.
Yoongi felt old. He felt so distant from two years before. Like it had been forever ago. And Yoongi did try not to think about it. He did try to just enjoy the party, he did try to ignore the dirty shade of blonde that was now cut and he did try to ignore the shaved undercut and the naked nape that would all show up in the distance every 10 minutes in a new corner of the club, or in the middle of the dancefloor, or next to the bar, or next to the bathrooms. Yoongi did try, he really did, and when he turned around to just focus on the conversation he really didn’t care about, Yoongi saw it again, reflected in the mirrored wall across him, and he saw it , all the things he was trying so hard to ignore, he saw him , he saw Taehyung , and he saw Taehyung kissing a girl .
Yoongi stared for two, maybe three seconds, before he tried brushing it off, away from him. However, his mind was nowhere as far away from the thought as he’d wish, and the question, the fucking question started hammering his head– how Taehyung would dodge the question when asked on his social media if he’d ever been with a guy, or if he kissed guys, or whether he was bi or not… Of course Yoongi hadn’t unfollowed him anywhere, why would he? They were still on good– on neutral terms.
And maybe Taehyung really wasn’t bi after all. Maybe he just thought he was at some point and needed to experiment, and maybe Yoongi was his trial. And it was ok, there was nothing wrong with it, everyone should try things to see if they’ll like them. Of course kissing a girl didn’t mean he wasn’t into guys, but the way he’d dodge the topic was a little odd.
Yoongi shook his head. It didn’t matter, because he didn’t feel anything for Taehyung anymore, anyway.
When the party was over, Yoongi went outside the club to wait for his ride. He saw Taehyung standing some feet away, talking on his phone, probably calling his ride. It arrived sooner than Yoongi’s, and before Taehyung got into the car, he looked at him. They stared at each other, both faces too motionless to be read, and Yoongi watched as the white car reversed back into the road and left, taking a turn and disappearing into the void, Taehyung disappearing in it.
Yoongi carried on with his own life –his boring , lukewarm life– for the remaining three years. He met new people in university, and on the part-time job he got. Suddenly, he saw himself living the same day on a loop, every single day, and the major he chose seemed less and less interesting the more time passed.
Maybe it was a lack of fun, the lack of a distraction, the lack of nourishment for his young adult brain, that led his mind to trace the previous years. It started small, like in the middle of the shower, or before going to sleep. Yoongi would catch himself thinking about the people he used to hang out with.
As if for destiny, or maybe it was a joke life wanted to play on him, a notification popped on his phone one day when he was absentmindedly scrolling through the news on his laptop.
kimtaehyung_ has posted for the first time in a while, see now.
It took Yoongi a few seconds to register the words. To read the name. And it clicked on his brain, like oh yeah, what has Taehyung been up to?
He tapped the notification which launched the app. It was a picture of Taehyung, holding his phone in front of a mirror. Yoongi didn’t know where it was taken. He looked at the boy’s face, still the same , though now his hair was dark brown. When was the last time we saw each other? Fucking 2012?
The subtitle read I’m alive contrary to popular belief; it’s been years but I’m still single, ladies hmu.
Yoongi snorted, chuckled fondly at the words. Taehyung hadn’t changed one bit. He tapped the screen, liking the picture.
The next few weeks, the name and the face started haunting Yoongi’s mind more and more frequently. He’d catch himself wondering what Taehyung was up to, if he was attending university like Yoongi now, if Taehyung still lived with his folks, if Taehyung still had that dog Yoongi couldn’t remember the name of.
Then, the dreams.
They weren’t too complex, and Taehyung usually wouldn’t play a main role on them; he’d just show up in the middle of the dream, or at any point, really, talk about anything that didn’t matter at all, and vanish into the graveyard of forgotten dreams within Yoongi’s brain. He would, though, remember one thing of those dreams– that Taehyung was in them.
Taehyung turned into an itch that Yoongi couldn’t scratch, and it kept that way for a couple of months. He would still see a few retweets Taehyung would make or one or two tweets about celebrities Yoongi didn’t care about.
And when it was June, 2015, Yoongi went to a party in what seemed like ages. He and Namjoon, a friend he’d made in university, went together. They drank, and Yoongi liked the drink he chose more than he should’ve, which led to him ordering more 3 or 4 of those.
He was suddenly very, very drunk. Namjoon heard him mumble something about going to the bathroom, to which he nodded his head. Yoongi knew his limits, he certainly knew what he was doing.
Yoongi went to the bathroom, which all of a sudden seemed too fucking lit for his liking, and locked himself in a stall, cell phone in hand. And he did the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the most definitely unadvised. The thing Namjoon would most certainly not allow him to do.
Yoongi texted Taehyung.