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Leonardo stared up at the ceiling of his bedroom. He had been staring at the same spot for the past hour or so, that little mark that had once held a spaceship that didn’t look exactly like it, but had the same colorization as Captain Ryan’s one on Space Heroes. He had taken it down almost a year ago after some choice words by Raphael, but he still had it, hidden underneath his bed, ready to be pulled out whenever the urge hit him to divulge in nostalgia.
It most certainly wasn’t hitting him now. He just needed to focus on something, anything, but the broken heart he had residing in his chest. So he kept his eyes on that little hole, trying not to think about Mikey and his smile that was not for him. He tried not to remember the way Mikey’s eyes lit up at the prospect of hanging out with the gecko. He tried not to picture the two of them getting close, of Mikey turning his face towards the other reptile and their faces closing in on one another as they-
He gave his head a shake and refocused his gaze, this time using the same breathing techniques he uses during meditation to try and calm his raging mind. He ignored his swollen throat, his lead-filled stomach, and the boisterous noise of Raphael and Casey in the pit. Leo didn’t know if he felt comforted or annoyed that his immediate younger brother was acting like his usual, rambunctious self while Leo’s world was falling apart.
When he returned without Mikey in tow and only a short clipped answer as to where he had gone, Raph had only shrugged and lead the way back home, where he knew his human friend would be waiting. Donatello, on the hand, had narrowed his eyes at Leo but refrained from verbally questioning his brother until they had gotten home.
“Are you okay, Leo?” Donnie had asked, smartly taking advantage of the loud ruckus their brother was making with Jones to mask his question.
Leo, though, had only nodded and told him he was just going to brief Master Splinter before calling it a night. As he left, he saw Donnie watch him with sad and all too understanding eyes and didn’t contradict him. He knew he didn’t need his very perceptive younger brother to verbally tell him that he was there for him. Out of all of his kin, he knew that Donatello was an expert at unrequited love.
Guilt and sympathy bubbled slightly inside of him, realizing he hadn’t shown nearly as much care and compassion to Donnie’s plight than his brother had done him in just a few words and glances. Tomorrow, he thought, he was going to bring some ice cream into Donnie’s lab that was not of the cat variety and they were going to have a nice little chat about missed opportunities and loved lost. But tonight, he was going to just stare at that little mark and forget about everything.
As much as he tried to push away all those thoughts and feelings away, they kept finding a way to come back stronger than ever. He knew he wouldn’t be able to put off mourning what could have been forever, but he was hoping he would have at least one night of repose before the true pain began. But his mind betrayed him, sending images, both real and imaginary to the front of his mind, damning him with both hopeful possibilities and devastating truths.
Michelangelo was full of life and laughter, a shining light in a world full of darkness. How could he have ever thought that he even had a chance with the youngest of them? He himself was dark, and brooding, weighed down by the tasks and responsibilities their father had thrusted upon him. How could a shining sun have any interest in a drab little thing like Leo? The gecko was a far better choice for his brother and he was just kidding himself for ever even toying with the thought of them having a relationship beyond what they have already.
He was finally allowing himself to wallow in these thoughts, of Mikey happy and in love while he was alone and miserable, when a knock on the door jarred him from his negative thoughts. He lifted himself partially from the bed and stared at the door. Several hours had passes since he came into his room, so it must have been close to midnight by now. Thinking it was Donatello checking up on him, he called out, “Come in, Donnie.”
He had laid back down in the bed and started to stare resolutely at the ceiling again as he heard the door open, so he jumped when a voice decisively not Donatello spoke next to him.
“I’m not Donnie, so can I still come in?” Leo shot up in the bed and stared wide-eyed at Michelangelo, who tone and words were their usual cheekiness, but his eyes were slightly subdued.
“Mikey!” Leo shot up in his bed, staring wide-eyed at his crush. “I thought you’d still be with the gec- um, Mondo.”
“It’s almost midnight, dude,” Mikey said, coming in fully and surprisingly closed the door behind him. Mikey never remembers to that; he’s usually ignores proper protocols when it came to privacy of others. This and the strange look in his brother’s eyes should have tipped Leo off that something was off in Mikey’s demeanor, but the leader was too busy trying to act casual to allow those differences in his brother’s personality to register. He instead shifted in his bed and sat with his back stiff, slightly uncomfortable with having the object of his unrequited affections stand so close to him in such confined quarters. “You told me only a couple of hours, so…”
“Oh,” Leo said, his voice low from nerves that he tried to hide. “Okay.”
Mikey just stood there, staring at Leo. He didn’t shift from foot to foot, nor did he stare about the room. He only had eyes for Leo and it was starting to unnerve the blue-masked turtle.
Not used to the quiet coming from his usually loquacious little brother, he found himself moved to speak, even if it was a topic he wished would never see the light of day.
“So, how did it go?” Leo questioned, his eyes looking a little to the left of Mikey, not wanting to see the sparkle he loved so much in his eyes. “Had a great time?”
“Yeah,” Mikey said, his voice picking up a little, much more like his normal self than when he had first entered. He took this start of the conversation as an invitation and moved to the opposite side of the bed, allowing a clear distance between the two turtles. “The place was completely deserted and the highway noises so totally drowned out all our whoops and hollers perfectly. Totes safe.” Mikey turned to Leo and have him a heart-stopping smile. “It was totally sweet.”
“That’s good,” Leo said past a lump that had formed in his throat. “I’m glad.”
There was that accursed silence again where Mikey stared at him and Leo looked at everything but. So Leo cleared his throat and continued, “It’s getting kind of late, Mikey. We have practice in the morning, so maybe you should-“
“Y’know,” Mikey interrupted him, his head cocking to the side a little. “I was kinda expecting you to be waiting in the pit for me to get home, just like you usually do when Donnie goes to the junkyard or Raph goes off in a mood.”
“Y-yeah?” Leo stuttered out, glancing at the other turtle before flicking his eyes away again. Honestly, he had wanted to do that. It was his MO, wasn’t it? The worry wart? Never being relaxed until he had eyes on each member of his family. For Mikey especially, he wanted to make sure his baby brother was home safe and sound. But the thought of Mikey returning so happy with hearts in his eyes and perhaps a tale of how he now has a boyfriend had overridden his most deep seeded fears and forced him to flee to the privacy of his room. Just because he was resigned to the fact that Mikey would never be his, didn’t mean he was going to allow to torture himself with the details. “You guys get fussy when I get overprotective of you guys, so I’m learning to back off a bit. Besides, I trust you to take care of yourself.”
This last part was said directly to Mikey, not at the wall, and it was completely honest. Since the invasion and their time in North Hampton, all of his brothers have shown a greater capacity in their ninjutsu. Raph had been finally learned to gain a better control of not only his temper, but learned how to use it to his advantage. Donnie stopped being so caught up in the details and more assertive in his fighting. And Mikey, he finally learned how to focus his natural talents and has not exceeded his expectations. He no longer worried as much that Mikey would get distracted in a fight and learned to cover his own holes in coverage.
“Awe thanks, bro,” Mikey said, his face warming at the complement. He wasn’t like Raph, or even Donnie, who sometimes looked too into the compliments given to them to see the jest. Mikey took compliments as they were intended and Leo liked that about him. “So you weren’t trying to avoid me?”
Leo fought hard not to flinch.
“Of course not, Mikey,” he said evenly, putting on a small smile. “I would never avoid you.”
While technically he was in his room hiding, it was more of a general avoidance rather than just Mikey. And even if it had been to specifically evade Mikey’s attention, it was only for self-preservation rather than truly wanting to not be near him. He just didn’t want his brother to witness his broken heart and find out he was the cause of it.
“You sure?” Mikey inquired, looking disbelieving. Leo felt his smile widen without it meaning to at the adorable look on his face.
“Yeah,” Leo said, his voice going softer and made it sound more believable. “I was just tired.”
Mikey continued to stare at him a moment but when Leo’s face didn’t waver, the orange-masked turtle’s own face relaxed into a smile. “Okay, cool. Because I really wanted to tell you what happened at the skate park.”
Leo felt his heart speed up a little at that and quickly tried to back out of the conversation. He needed more time to process the fact that Mikey can never be his. “Can’t it wait until morning?” Or never? “It’s getting late and I really am tired…” But as he spoke, he made the mistake and looked into Mikey’s bright blue eyes. His words started to die off as he fell into those pools of pleading and eagerness and found he couldn’t resist him, not even it meant his own destruction.
So he gave a sigh and turned a little bit away from him. “Okay,” he said bracing himself. “What happened?”
His brother was silent for a moment before he burst out.
“He kissed me!”
Leo closed his eyes as he felt his heart drop. He had been expecting it, hadn’t he? He knew that the gecko had his sights on his brother, so why did it feel like hearing confirmation of this cause his world to rock? Why did it feel like everything was off kilter and he was about to fall over?
“Oh,” Leo found himself saying, surprised he could find his voice in the turmoil that was his emotions. “That’s nice? Did you like it?”
He was expecting a long prattle about how awesome it was and how ‘cool’ Mondo was and how he couldn’t wait until they could kiss again. He was expecting his heart to be shredded into tiny little pieces with each affirmation his brother gave that Leo was going to die from the pain of this unrequited love. He was expecting the next words out of Mikey’s mouth to not be, “Eh, it was okay. I’ve had better.”
Leo felt himself rip from his self-loathing to look at his brother’s smiling face. “What do you mean you’ve had better?” Leo had completely bypassed the fact that Mikey had found kissing the gecko unsatisfactory with that tidbit. “Just how many people have you kissed?”
There was a giggle that escaped Mikey’s upturned lips and Leo found him flicker his eyes there before moving back to his eyes, which were filled with mirth.
“Just one, bro,” Mikey beamed at him, and despite the heartache and confusion, Leo started to feel warm again. “Remember when we were, like, eight, and I was really into weddings?”
Leo felt his face start to heat up as the memory started to reform in his mind. There had been a ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ marathon that Mikey had accidently stumbled upon and had so wanted to go to a wedding he had badgered their father every day for a week. When Splinter had finally put his foot down, and explained to Mikey that it was impossible for them to see an actual wedding. Before Mikey’s face could completely fall, their father had given him a helpful suggestion.
“Why don’t you pretend to have one?” He remembered the weariness in his father’s voice and the excitement that had started to reform in the youngest turtle’s eyes. And off he had went and started to badger his brothers into having a pretend wedding. Raph had outright refused, saying he wasn’t having anything to do with that silly stuff and Donnie had claimed to be indisposed. He had just gotten that extra room that was currently his lab, if Leo recalled correctly, and he was still trying to put things together before moving his assortment of experiments that littered the lair into their new space. So when Mikey had turned his puppy dog eyes up at him, Leo fund he couldn’t resist. He never could.
So Mikey and him had had a wedding, with Leo using his mask as a bow tie and Mikey grabbing a white sheet and wrapped it around himself as an impromptu wedding dress. Splinter had officiated and the other two were forced to watch Mikey recite these extremely long vows that were completely corny and ridiculous. Leo had actually almost fallen asleep standing up listening to Mikey drone on and on that he missed Splinter announcing that the bride and groom could kiss. He had snapped to barely enough time to move his lips. But due to Leo’s lack of attention, the cheek he had been aiming to kiss had moved and he found himself kissing Mikey’s lips. They had stayed that way for only a half a second before both parties had backed away and wiped their mouths.
Leo found himself laughing at the memory, despite the pain in his chest.
“I had forgotten about that,” Leo said honestly, surprised that when he had started developing his crush on Mikey a few years later he hadn’t thought to recall that memory. “I thought you said it was ‘icky.’”
“Dude, I was eight,” Mikey claimed, the corner of his mouth upturned in humor. “I thought everything was icky.”
Leo couldn’t help but grin at that before the implication of what that meant dawned on him and he stared at the other turtle disbelieving.
“That was your best kiss?” he asked in a near whisper and Mikey’s smile turned solemn.
“Yeah,” he said, his voice was equally quiet, as though he was afraid of someone overhearing him, including the turtle next to him. “Small as it was, everyone thinks their first kiss with the person they love is their best kiss…at least until they have their next one.”
Leonardo stilled, unable to comprehend what his brother had just said. He stared, wide-eyed, at his long ago bride and took in the earnestness upon his face. This was no farce, no joke meant to torment him. He finally saw it, shining up at him in those bright blue eyes, the same love he himself possessed and had feared would never be returned. As the realization of what had just transpired had started to sink in, he felt his heart, broken and torn asunder, mended quickly and he felt his limbs start to thaw from their frozen position.
Before Mikey could even let out a surprised yelp, Leo wrapped his arms around him and kissed. This time, unlike the last one, had been purposely placed upon his lips and he kept them there and wouldn’t allow the younger turtle a chance to back off and wipe it from his mouth. Not that Michelangelo had any intention in doing so, for as soon as Leo’s mouth was upon him and the shock of the leader’s bold action had subsided, he returned the kiss enthusiastically.
This kiss, while lacking in finesse and skill, was still far more enjoyable than the last one they shared and much more meaningful than the one Mikey had just had with the gecko. The way Mikey clung to him and sighed happily into the kiss probably meant that they would have more opportunities to better their techniques. But before that could happen, Leo had to say one more thing.
With great difficulty, he pulled his head back to break the kiss. To his joy, Mikey had tried to follow to keep their mouths connected but he gently pushed him away enough to rush out the words he had been dying to tell him earlier on the rooftop.
“I love you, Mikey,” he said, his voice slightly hoarse due to lack of breath. Mikey gave him that sweet smile and nodded.
“I know you do,” he said, panting slightly. “And I love you, too. But if you don’t mind, we have, like, seven and a half years of marriage to make up so if you could continue kissing me, that would be-“
Mikey never got a chance to finish his mini-rant and neither spoke for the rest of the night.