Chapter Text
Asuka flinched at the sound of clang as Hikari put down a cup in front of her. If the table had been a little lower she would have bumped her knees. She looked up as Hikari poured a steamy liquid into the cup from a kettle. The irritation must have shown because Hikari smiled apologetically. "Sorry. But there are kinds of bad thoughts that you can't get out without someone waking you up."
Asuka narrowed her eyes, turning her head to the window. The rain, which stopped once around noon and began to heavily pour in the late afternoon, has subsided to light rain at late night of 10 o'clock now. "Was it that obvious?"
Putting the kettle on a coaster, Hikari sat opposite side of Asuka and picked up her own cup. "Always. I think it's because you're normally stoic, when there's even a slight change it's easy to see the difference."
Asuka smiled wryly as she looked down at the cup. It smelled toasty. "If that idiot was as half as perceptive as you things would have been so much easier."
Hikari chuckled softly. "Why, Ikari is much better these days. Charming young man."
"He always had a charm." Asuka picked up her cup and sipped it. It tasted very good. She considered if they should drink barley tea in their home too. Hikari smiled at her.
"You've got a lot better, too. Being much more honest and all."
With a slightly aching heart, Asuka put the cup down on the table. It always was the case when she thought about this subject. "We've wasted so much time. I can't afford to be stupid anymore. And, you know, it would only paint ME badly, to say that I'm living with a charmless dolt."
Hikari put down the cup and tilted her head slightly at the periphery of Asuka's view, but she didn't turn her eyes to it. For a moment they sat like that without a word, and then Hikari spoke again.
"Anyway, what I wanted to say was that Ikari got a lot more perceptive than before. He even jokes, nowadays. Sometimes it's hard to believe it's the same person I knew."
If he's gotten better I wouldn't be here, Asuka was about to say, but she stopped because she realized that Hikari wasn't hearing from her man just like Asuka. From the start that was the reason she came to Suzuhara's and stayed for hours. But that thought raised another question.
"You don't look so worried, Hikari."
Hikari did not ask what she was talking about. She didn't have to, she was the one who noticed Asuka worrying about the same subject.
Yesterday was a rare sunny day, and Ryoji Kaji took his girlfriend to a nearby valley to enjoy such a rare high summer beauty, or so he told everyone. But then the rain started to pour unexpectedly in the afternoon, and no one heard from them ever since. So Kensuke Aida, Toji Suzuhara and Shinji Ikari formed a little search party to go find them-and Shinji didn't even tell Asuka. It was Hikari that relayed the fact to her-. And no one heard from them ever since either. It was driving Asuka crazy, but apparently Hikari was taking this much better than her.
"Of course I'm worried. How could I not?" Hikari took a sip, smiling slightly, and put the cup down. "But I guess I'm used to it. Waiting. No, more like, I'm used to dealing with anxiety, I guess. Being anxious would change nothing while only hurting my mind."
Asuka stretched her arm on the table and put her head on it. "I don't want to get used to waiting meekly. Like a princess or something." Only after saying that did Asuka realize that her words sounded condescending to Hikari. While she was thinking of a way to fix it Hikari spoke again with a soft voice.
"Not necessarily. I'll never be tough like you even if I try, that's true, but I've had my share of rough things. Yes, sometimes I had to hide and wait in a safe place like a princess, but more often than not it was just a different type of struggle."
Feeling disgusted with herself, Asuka turned her head to avoid Hikari's gaze, and instead reached out and grabbed Hikari's hand that was on the table. Hikari brought her other hand and put it over Asuka's, caressing the back of it. "And, after all, he never gave me a reason to worry that much. In the end he always came back with that stupid smile of his."
That stirred something, something dark in Asuka's heart. She had to suppress a sudden desire to shoot back 'is that the reason you did that little trick with condoms?'. It was an ugly thing to be jealous of others' (largely) stable and settled relationships, and in this case it was even more ridiculous. The mere fact that she could be like this because Shinji was missing for just a day made her feel so rotten. She thought it was lucky that Hikari couldn't see her face from this angle, but Hikari started to interlock her fingers with Asuka's as if she could read everything from Asuka's silence. Asuka turned her head to Hikari, surprised at the slightly-above-the-expected-range physical contact. Hikari had a gentle smile on her face.
"Just as Ikari returned to you, Asuka."
Asuka looked into Hikari's smiling eyes without a word. Unable to return the smile, she sighed and averted her gaze again. Hikari thumbed Asuka's ring finger. "When will he going to put a ring here?"
"What" Asuka's head jerked back at the unexpected words. Hikari was smiling still. "Oh," Asuka felt heat rising up on her face. "I don't know. I don't even know if he's preparing at all. Maybe I should take matters into my hands someday. No, I think it would end up that way, almost certainly."
Hikari giggled. "I know that feeling. Toji frustrated me so much, too. I even caught him once in a jewelry shop when we didn't even have food for dinner, but it took him another year from then to propose."
That really sounds like that oaf, Asuka thought, and then realized a strange fact.
"Come to think of it, Hikari."
"Hmm?"
"Come to think of it, I've rarely heard of post-Impact stories from you. Today is actually the first time I've heard such a specific thing from that time from you."
Hikari's face hardened subtly, and the stroking of Asuka's hand stopped, too. "Yes, you're right."
She might have touched a sensitive spot, Asuka thought, but half out of pure curiosity, and half out of a desire to steer herself away from other thoughts, she pushed a bit more.
"How was it? Surviving after the Impact. The only thing I heard after waking up was that, the provisional commander was actually an Angel in disguise, that he betrayed us and initiated Impact and UN forces failed to stop it, but at the last moment the deputy commander prevented the worst of it. Lots of it didn't make any sense, and I was busy just adapting." To her inhuman body. To her sense of betrayal from Shinji. To her heartbreaking loneliness. The circumstances of the surrounding world and the struggle of civilians were not even on the list of Asuka's interests back then.
Hikari sighed quietly and averted her gaze, caressing Asuka's hand again. "Didn't you hear it all from Kensuke? We always moved in the same group, there won't be much he wasn't aware of."
At that, Asuka realized one more fact that she wasn't really consciously aware of until now.
"Oh, well, no. We haven't talked about such things. I wasn't interested and he's not that talkative. I never asked, really."
Would he have told her if she asked? It was hard to imagine Kensuke avoiding the subject that was directly asked to him, but she didn't really know anyway. Hikari pulled out a hand and picked up her cup to sip it.
"It's not interesting, there's nothing special. Post-Impact stories, you know, they could be interesting at first few times, but it gets tiring quickly. They're very repetitive and boring. Especially for someone like you who's been through a lot of violence. There's nothing interesting about looting convenience stores and having some canned food dinner around a campfire. You'll get bored of it soon."
Asuka waved her free hand. "How could it be repetitive if it's the first time ever? It's all right, let me hear it until it gets boring, then."
Hikari smiled and sighed helplessly as if in defeat. "Okay, only until Tsubame wakes up or we get the news."
Asuka nodded, smiling. The sound of rain from outside has now completely subsided, and only the soft voice of Hikari echoed in the quiet house.
"We evacuated to the shore of Lake Ashino at the time. Most of the city and Geofront's shelters were destroyed during the Near Third Impact, so when the UN forces invaded there weren't enough facilities to accommodate all the remaining citizens. I thought I would really die then, out in the open and all, you know, but turns out we were the lucky ones. No one survived at ground-zero, sheltered or not, except the ones who were at the Nerv headquarters building. The initial explosion was so powerful I lost consciousness at the blast, and when I woke up later, the sea was connected to the lake so the lake was blood-red. What a sight it was, Asuka. The whole world was pitch-black because the electricity was completely gone, so the stars were more visible in the night sky, bloodied scars on the moon, red waves on that bony white beach."
Asuka narrowed her eyes. It sounded weirdly similar to Asuka's own 'experience'.
Before she could organize her thoughts on that matter into words, a heavy thump from the front door broke her concentration. At the sound Tsubame started to wail from her bedroom cradle. Both women's heads turned to the hallway at the same time.
"I'll go out, you take care of Tsubame."
As Hikari walked hurriedly to the bedroom, Asuka opened the sliding door to the hallway and reached the front door after a short walk. After a brief struggle with an unfamiliar lock, she opened the door to reveal Rei Ayanami with that expressionless face of hers. Her long hair was tied in a roughly tied ponytail, and she was wearing a short-sleeved shirt that showed her pale arms.
"You were here, Shikinami."
Asuka frowned. There was a strange tension in Ayanami's voice.
"And what are you doing here at this..." Asuka realized the situation as Ayanami tilted her head slightly. "So they're back? They're in the hospital, right?"
Ayanami turned her eyes over Asuka's shoulder. Tsubame was wailing like a devil, typical of kids who woke up in their night's sleep. "Is Mrs. Suzuhara in there? I'm here to update her."
Before Asuka could answer, Hikari came out to the hallway with a thudding sound of her feet. "Ayanami! Is there any news? Is everyone safe?"
"Kind of. Including Kaji and the girl."
Asuka would have laughed at such a brief and inadequate answer, if only she wasn't personally related to the issue.
It was inadequate to Hikari either, apparently. "So you're coming from the hospital, right? Should I go right away?"
Ayanami shook her head. "No, your husband just wants a bath readied. That's all."
Asuka realized the core of the weird feeling she had from the moment she saw Ayanami.
"Wait, are you here to tell us just that? No, why are you here at all? They were at the mountain so I expected the radio to be wonky," She actually spent hours frowning at the transceiver that was still on Hikari's table. "But they're at the village now. Why send you as a messenger? They brought a walkie-talkie, right?"
Ayanami nodded. "It is true that they prepared a portable communication device when they left. I helped them pack up this morning. I heard they lost it when Ikari was nearly drowned."
Tsubame was silent for a while. Asuka didn't realize when did she stop crying and didn't care anyway. The only sound she could hear was her deafening heartbeat and Hikari's gasp. She hugged her staggering body with one arm and managed to squeak out words through a swollen neck. "You said they were fine."
Ayanami nodded, again with an expressionless face. "They took proper action on the spot, he's stable without any notable problems. They took a portable suction machine with them on the assumption they might need it for Kaji and the girl. Still, they feared a possibility of secondary drowning, so they took him to the hospital," Ayanami shook her head to stop Asuka from speaking up. "No, follow me. Check him yourself. Ikari asked me to find you, anyway."
Asuka turned to Hikari. Hikari nodded with a firm face. "Go on, Asuka. And tell Ikari I was worried about him too."
With the rain stopped just minutes ago, the night air was cool, and Asuka shuddered slightly as she walked. Or maybe it was something else, not the cold.
The road from Suzuhara's to the hospital wasn't too long, but the sparsely lit road felt so long to Asuka now.
The strange aura coming out of Ayanami that was apparent since from earlier also acted as additional pressure. She would have confronted such an annoying attitude on any other day but now Asuka wasn't in the right state of mind to spare that much thought about such a thing. So, at the point of about a minute's walk, Asuka mouthed the most urgent question she had in mind.
"What the hell happened to them?"
Ayanami, who was leading from a half-step distance, turned her head halfway to Asuka. "As you already know, Kaji was isolated yesterday afternoon when it suddenly rained while picnicking with his girlfriend in the valley west of the village. If they had waited around there, they would have been found quickly. There are only a few places where a couple would end up in that valley."
Asuka nodded. In early summer when the weather was good, she and Shinji also frequented there and the nearby forest, to the point she could roughly draw a map of the place in her head. She also knew very, very well about the secluded corners of that valley where teenage couples without privacy at home would visit.
Ayanami turned her head forward and continued. "Kaji was too confident in his knowledge of the surrounding areas, so he decided to cross the bridge some kilometers upriver, when the valley became un-crossable."
Asuka jumped over a small pool of water. "And they got lost in the woods, right? So that's why the search party had an even harder time finding them the next day?"
Ayanami shook her head. "They weren't lost, they found the bridge. Only it was swept away by the current. The bridge was left unattended since Second Impact, I heard, it was only natural it would collapse soon, but still, he didn't expect it to be gone. So they started to go back to the place where they started, and in the dark the girl sprained her ankle, making it impossible to return to the village that day, so they moved into the forest to find a shelter."
"Wait, stop, so, how did Shinji end up drowning?" To be honest, that was the only thing Asuka was curious about. She wasn't interested in Kaji boy's disastrous adventure at all.
"The search party found the two at dusk today, on the other side of the river. The current was very strong, but the girl was showing signs of hypothermia, so Mr. Aida decided to act quickly. They threw a rope over, but Kaji slipped while crossing when he was a few steps away from this side of the river, I heard."
Asuka felt a strain in her throat. "So the idiot jumped in or something, right?"
"He managed to get Kaji out, but he lost his balance doing that and was swept away by the current. It was neck-deep for Kaji, I heard, it was impossible for Ikari to hold on to the rope with just one hand and pull the boy out with another. People fall over even in knee-deep rapids." There was a very slight tremor in Ayanami's voice. "I heard they found him unconscious at a bank several hundred meters down. It was a miracle. He could have drifted away more and not be found for weeks."
Asuka lowered her head. "Idiot. Thinking he's a hero."
Ayanami's footsteps halted with a snap. It was such a sudden thing that Asuka took two more steps without realizing it until she stopped too. "Yeah, Ikari's behavior was more like a reckless young pilot than a 29-year-old man with a place to return to."
Asuka couldn't believe this situation, but she couldn't ignore her gut feelings either. And it also explained the strange air she felt from Ayanami, too.
"And you're implying it's my fault? Is that it?"
Without a word, Ayanami gazed at Asuka. Asuka clenched her fists as hot anger soared in her chest. "You're saying it's my fault that Shinji acts recklessly? Oh, well, because he's not satisfied with his life or something so he's eager for danger? What kind of bullshit is that?"
Ayanami turned her head and started walking again. Asuka stared at her back for a moment, then followed.
"It would be completely unreasonable to blame you for this incident. It would be nothing more than a pitiful attempt to shift blame from Ikari to you because I like him more than I ever like you. One might even point out a sexist undertone of such a sentiment, like a man being only as good as his woman. Although in this case, such an archaic mindset didn't cross my mind."
Asuka bared her teeth. Such an aggressive gesture reminded her of her old self but she couldn't help it now. "Hah, so you're not blaming me, I guess? Then what?"
Ayanami stopped again, and slowly raised her eyes to the moon. Asuka watched, her hands trembling with anger.
"No. If anything ever happens to Ikari, I'll blame you. Forever and always." Ayanami added in a low voice, slightly lowering her head. "You took him away, at least have the decency to keep him."
Asuka clenched her teeth, molars making a grinding sound. This was beyond ridiculous. And what was that last bit? She wanted to say that she never took anything from her, it never belonged to her in the first place so don't blame others or claim ownership, but then again she remembered how she herself felt in that elevator 15 years ago. Jealousy was a madness one couldn't help, she figured.
The two walked to the hospital without further exchange.
When Asuka turned the last corner to the hospital, the first thing that came to her senses was the bright light of the hospital, but a close second was the horrible stench. She approached the source of the wet stray dog smell, a group of men and a girl huddled on a wooden bench in front of the hospital. "Where is he?"
Toji Suzuhara, with a towel wrapped around his hair and soggy clothes plastered on his body, turned to her. "Oh, Shikinami, that was quick. And, yeah, sure, sure, you can go rest now, I'll tidy up the place. Or maybe we could do it tomorrow. Sorry for the trouble."
Asuka turned her head to the side. Ayanami was already turning away without a word. Snorting, Asuka turned to Toji again. "I said, where is he?"
"Inside. Getting a CT scan."
"Is he doing it himself?"
"It's all automated, AI will take care of that. We're just out here avoiding radiation, you know. About five minutes left now."
Asuka shifted her gaze, eyes narrowing. Next to Suzuhara sat Kensuke, with a similarly drowned mouse look, and a crestfallen face. That was quite a rare sight, something that would have shocked Asuka if she had even a little mind to spare on it. Asuka shoved that to the 'think about it later' folder in her mind and looked next to him. Next to Kensuke sat a girl, who Asuka had never seen before, probably a migrant, shivering with a blanket draped around her body. Ryoji Kaji, with a similar soggy and shivering look, sat next to her, wrapping his arms around the girl. When their eyes met, the boy raised his head and tried to say something, but Asuka ignored it and turned her head to Toji.
"What are they doing here? Send them back already."
"Ah, he said he wanted to tell you something. He was waiting for you."
"What?"
Asuka turned to the teenage couple again. While the girl looked up at Asuka with a slightly opened mouth and a blank face, Kaji jumped up and folded his waist 90 degrees to Asuka. "I'm so sorry, Major! I never ever intended to put your husband in danger! My apol.."
Suzuhara burst out laughing. Kensuke shook his head with mild mirth on his face too. Asuka closed her eyes once, waited for a second and opened them again.
"To be honest, I couldn't care less about you even if I tried. So just, just disappear quickly before I realize your stake in this mess is pretty big." Kaji opened his mouth but Asuka raised her hand to shut it. "And how many times do I have to tell you he's not, my, husband? Are you trying to upset me or what? You never seen me angry have you?"
"Sorry, Major, I'm sorry!"
Kensuke had to help Kaji's girlfriend get up. She picked up her crutch, and slowly limped away, with Kaji right on her side. Asuka spoke again after the two were safely out of earshot. "Does she not have a family?"
Kensuke nodded. "Yeah, a migrant orphan. She lives with three other orphans."
"Did you know she's his second girl this year? The kid is crazy, man. Who taught him? I'm sure it wasn't Kensuke." Suzuhara's voice had a certain sense of awe in it.
Asuka snorted, recalling how bumbling fools she and Shinji were at that age. Is Misato's blood showing? But then again, while outwardly she looked like a loose woman Asuka never recalled Misato having a real scandal in her life. Anyway, she wasn't much interested in it.
"Well, enough about that kid's love affair," Asuka almost said 'brat' and had to choose another word at the last moment. The word was imbued with a certain nuance to her now and she could never use it to Ryoji Kaji and the likes anymore. "What happened to Shinji? I heard he was okay, but then why is he scanned?"
Suzuhara waved his hand. "Well, you can't just walk away after a near-drowning incident. Especially if you lost consciousness for a time like Shinji did. Water would have gone to your lungs. If you spat it all out when you woke up it's good. But if you haven't and there's water remaining in your lungs, then, well, you can walk around, laughing and talking for hours without a problem then you suddenly, like, uh what's this feeling in my chest, and drop fucking dead. We call it a secondary drowning. Even if things don't go that far, you could catch pneumonia. The water was literally full of shit, you know. Tons of bacteria in it, probably. Water is not supposed to go into human lungs, that's the law of nature, so if that happened things could go wrong in so many ways even if you didn't die on the spot. So, yeah, that's why I want to check. To make it sure."
Asuka was at a loss for words. She tried to swallow but there was no spit, just making her uvula hurt with dry strain. "So what if there's water in his lungs?"
Shrugging, Suzuhara turned to the hospital. "Should say goodbye to sleep, both of us. Observation for the next eight hours. If there's nothing wrong, we might move on, he's young and healthy anyway. Actually, I didn't hear anything weird with the stethoscope earlier, and he didn't express anything weird except for being tired so I'm not really worried. But, eh, if he starts to show trouble in breathing, coughing, and cyanosis, I mean, hands and feet turning blue... then,"
"Then?"
"Well, there's not much we can do here. Give him oxygen, inject some diuretics and hope it all comes out in his piss."
Asuka stood still and clenched her fists. It started to shake. "What have you done, Idiot Shinji..."
Suzuhara laughed out loudly. "Oh, that was great. So great. Crazy, even. Heroic, yes. A hero, our man."
Asuka was seized by the sudden urge to grab Suzuhara's collar and slap him to the moon. Kensuke, who had been staring at the ground for a while, lifted his head and examined Asuka's face. Suzuhara continued without a clue.
"People are, you know, everyone's brave and heroic as shit when it's safe, when it's all talk, but few could really step up when the thing gets real. And you know, even a coward could make up his mind slowly and, you know, resolve yourself, and do something, if given enough time. It really takes a real man to work that quick and without hesitation. You've been through a lot, I know it may sound ridiculous to you, but you can trust me about this because I've seen quite a lot myself too! Honestly, back then I couldn't just take my foot off, wife and Tsubame's faces were all I could see at that moment. Man, and that," Kensuke put his hand on Suzuhara's shoulder. He looked back, flinching. "What? Something wrong?"
Kensuke just shook his head in silence. Suzuhara looked back at Asuka with widened eyes, then closed his mouth. Asuka realized, belatedly, that her eyes were hot and turned her head away. Silence fell, with Kensuke sighing.
Her head was filled with uncomfortable thoughts. And this was a fun day until noon. She had such a blast explaining to Mana Kirishima that her recent request of five pieces of Shinji and her old plugsuits didn't imply anything. Basically telling her that they had no secret wish to return to Wille while not actually saying so. She almost giggled back then, thinking Akagi must have been so surprised by the sudden request and ordered the poor Kirishima woman to pry something out of them. Then this. She thought about the choice words she would use when she would see that idiot's face later.
As if an answer to her thought, the said idiot's voice came from the inside of the hospital building, breaking the silence. "Toji! This, it stopped moving and the lamps are blinking!"
"Wait a minute!" Suzuhara stood up, creaking the bench. With the sudden movement came another surge of soggy stench, something she thought she got used to now. Asuka's nostrils flared without her noticing. "I guess it's over. I'll check the result, wait a little bit. Hope everything's fine. I really want to sleep."
Asuka still didn't look that way. Soon, she heard the sound of the wooden door opening and closing, then followed the unintelligent mumblings from the inside. Asuka pricked her ears up, trying to catch anything, but then it occurred to her that nothing stopped her from entering the place herself. The moment she took a step, however, Kensuke sighed, and that drew her attention. He was looking at the ground, combing his hair with one hand.
"It's all my fault, Shikinami. Don't be so angry with Toji or Ikari."
Asuka narrowed her eyes. "What are you talking about?"
"I was too reckless. I should have taught Kaji a bowline knot a long time ago, but I didn't, so I decided it would be better to let them hold the rope with the strength of their arms rather than letting them rely on a clumsy knot. It was a ridiculous decision. Since we had three strong adult men, we might as well have tried a looped rope crossing, with me taking the point, Toji and Ikari stand in a triangle so we could..."
"No," Asuka shook her head, holding back an urge to sigh. "I don't need the details. And you don't have to blame yourself. No one's going to blame you, Kenken. I don't."
Kensuke raised his head. A bitter smile was on his lips. "I was responsible, though. I made the decisions. And Ikari has done nothing wrong, though I can see you are of a different opinion, Shikinami."
Asuka sighed, unable to hold it this time.
"No one ever gave me this much trouble than the idiot. In my whole life."
Kensuke didn't answer that. Instead, the bitter smile that was on his face transformed into something akin to a real smile. Asuka raised her chin, irritated. "And what's that look?"
Before he could answer anything, the hospital door burst open. Just by the look on Suzuhara's face Asuka knew the answer. "Discharge! But you'll have to take this. Thirty minutes after meals, three times a day. Shinji is not in the best condition, so you keep it and remind him, at least for the first take."
Asuka accepted the white plastic bottle from Suzuhara. Something that must be pills clattered in a fist-sized bottle. She tilted it to get the light from the hospital, and the light revealed the writings on the lid, gynecology in black marker. "What the hell."
"Huh?" Suzuhara leaned his head toward Asuka, then hurriedly pulled a marker pen from his pocket. "Oh, don't mind that." Three black lines were drawn on top of the original letters, and he wrote antibiotics on the side of the bottle, a little bit wonky due to the angle. The last stroke missed and left a black line on Asuka's thumb.
"Do you reuse bottles?"
Suzuhara shrugged his shoulders. "Why not? It's just a case for pills. Clean plastic bottles are much more expensive than you think. We never reuse needles or something so you don't need to worry about that. Return that bottle when he's done, will you?"
While Asuka forced the bottle into her pants pocket, the idiot who had been delaying his grand appearance finally appeared over Suzuhara's shoulder. Asuka's eyes darted to him. His dim blue eyes moved blankly, then found Asuka's. He made an awkward smile. "I'm sorry."
"No physical exertion for another day, and if he expresses discomfort in breathing, especially when laid down, don't hesitate to, uh, instructions aren't over!"
Ignoring Suzuhara, Asuka snatched Shinji's wrist and started to drag him away. He followed without a protest.