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It felt like someone was stabbing his ankles with a very sharp knife, over and over and again and again.
Waking up, already in pain, never really got easier. Even when you thought about it, that’s exactly what should’ve happened. Waking up in pain didn’t exactly come as a surprise nowadays, but still somehow and some days it managed to catch Aleksi off guard. It would’ve been easier for him to pretend that he had absolutely no idea why he was waking up in pain this random Saturday morning, which really was mid afternoon, but deep down he knew everything that had led him to this. Maybe he wanted to pretend that he didn’t know, because then he could ignore the fact that he could’ve done a few things differently to prevent the pain getting as bad as it was right now. You can’t really prevent rheumatoid arthritis’ flare up exactly, but there’s still things you can do to kind of minimize its effects.
Avoid stress? Reasonable, but not exactly doable in his line of work. Especially not right now when they were back on the road again and the first week of tour usually was hectic and more stressful than following weeks. Avoid overexertion? If Aleksi hadn’t learned that in 25 years, he wouldn’t probably learn that in the next 25 years either. His body and mind would’ve probably loved that Aleksi learned to pace himself instead of cramming his daily schedule full of things whether he was on tour or not. He just couldn’t help himself, because he hated feeling like he wasn’t being useful or the feeling when you get when you should be doing something, but you’re laying in your bed and scrolling your phone for the millionth hour. So he did what every reasonable person did to avoid that - being sure that he never ran out of things to do. (Like that was even possible when you’re in a band and everything?) And probably the most important thing not to do when you’re trying to avoid a flare up like it’s the plague? Changing meds. Okay, that wasn’t something that was 100% in Aleksi’s hands, but he would’ve probably done something to not having to change his meds just a few weeks prior to leaving to live in a bus with your five annoyingly loud but still lovable best friends and playing shows every other night.
The new med hadn’t kicked in yet. Because of course this new med took six to eight weeks to see the effect whether it was working or not. It didn’t make any sense to Aleksi, because who even had time to wait several weeks to know if the med was right or not? Definitely not him, especially not now. So that was the culprit of this sudden flare up, which wasn’t even that sudden, because he’d been expecting it. But when it didn’t come in the first week and neither the second week of starting the new pill, Aleksi had let himself believe that he was in the clear waters. And of course the pain that felt like stabbing came right after he had stopped excepting that it was coming.
Aleksi sat up in his bed and let his feet slightly touch the floor. That position wasn’t comfortable in the slightest, because the beds or the tour bus in general weren't the biggest. But it got the job done, so there was no point in complaining. Aleksi put his hand on his right ankle and he didn’t even have to look at it to know it was slightly swollen and warm around the area surrounding Achilles tendon and if he had looked at it, he would’ve known that it was a bit reddish. But he didn’t really need to look at it to know it, because it wasn’t the first, tenth or even the hundredth time this exact thing had happened to Aleksi. He didn’t bother to feel or look at his left ankle, because even when there was pain in it, it wasn’t as severe as the one he was feeling on the other side. Aleksi could hear his bandmates and he was a bit surprised that all of them had woken up before him. That prompted him to look at his phone to figure out what time it was. Surprised to see that he had slept later than he usually did, Aleksi searched his backpack to find the bottle of pills which had led him to feel this awful. After swallowing one pill, Aleksi had to put a reminder on his calendar that he wasn’t supposed to take the pill tomorrow. Not that he usually forgot this kind of thing, like taking the med only six days a week, but right now he wasn’t feeling like himself, so he just wanted to be sure. His fingers lingered on another pill bottle. It would be so easy, to just pick it up, take a pill and then go on with his day, but he just couldn’t. Because it was morning and if he really thought about it, it wasn’t that bad either, so he could manage. And even if he couldn’t, he had to. So no, Aleksi didn’t pick up the bottle full of painkillers, even when he had a feeling that he would regret it later.
But what if he didn’t regret it and then he had wasted his painkiller for a situation he could’ve dealt without one? Aleksi was pretty good at ignoring things, because the label in the pill bottle, currently sitting in his bag, instructed to take one or two pills when it was necessary. Aleksi could practically hear his doctor’s voice telling him not to do this kind of shit, where he would push himself through the day in agony, because apparently the painkillers worked best if he took it kinda preemptively and not when the pain was at its worst. But his doctor’s advice didn’t do nothing to him, now when he was thousand kilometers away and the painkiller in question happened to be codeine, which was a mild opioid, but apparently strong enough for Aleksi to feel like he needed to justify every time he had to take one (or two). It would’ve been easier if Aleksi could just take an ibuprofen and call it a day, but thanks to his new med, ibuprofen was out of question, not that it had ever helped him that much to begin with. But yeah, he probably wouldn’t need to justify himself every time he had the need to take ibuprofen, because it was pretty harmless and such a basic med. Of course there are dangers if you take too much ibuprofen or take it too often, but nobody talks about ibuprofen the way they talk about codeine. Aleksi had read at least five different news articles in the past few months, where people had described codeine as the reason why they got addicted and started doing hard drugs. And not to forget the one puff piece where a doctor had told the journalist how they spot people who are just drug seeking or are potentially addicts. Basically the piece had just said that if you asked a doctor for a prescription for something specific, it’s a red flag. Aleksi had never asked his doctor for codeine, it had actually been the doctor’s suggestion after they had gone through probably every NSAID and tried them with or without anti-inflammatory meds, but the pain had still been there. It was like the pain was a permanent resident in his body and not just a visitor.
So long story short, Aleksi knew he wasn't an addict and he knew that he didn’t really need to justify taking his doctor prescribed meds to anyone, not even to himself. And that he was probably still undertreating his pain, because of reasons that didn’t make sense to anyone else but him. And nowadays it hardly made sense to him either.
Aleksi got up and changed his sweatpants and hoodie to jeans and a different hoodie. After that he pretty much got spooked by Niko, who appeared out of nowhere.
“Oh, you’re up!” Niko sounded way too cheerful or probably exactly like he always sounded, but Aleksi was just having a bad day. The sudden appearance of one of his best friends also caused Aleksi to lose his balance and for the first time that day, he put weight on his right leg. The pain didn’t like that that much, because the second he was standing evenly, it felt like someone was once again stabbing a knife into his right Achilles tendon. Aleksi could hear himself sigh from the sudden pressure.
“We’re stopping in a second, I can get you a coffee”, Niko continued as joyfully as before and Aleksi hoped that Niko hadn’t caught his struggle. The day was already going to be long, but if Niko had figured out that there was something wrong with him, it would’ve become even longer. And Aleksi definitely wasn’t in a mood for someone constantly asking if he was fine and did he need anything and most annoying thing of them all - had he taken his painkillers? Yeah, he loved Niko, but there was time and place for everything. And right now, he wasn’t in the mood for all of that.
The rest of the day could be described as everything hurt. The rest of the few hours on the road that afternoon were probably the moment where Aleksi was somewhat comfortable with his pain. And then it just went downhill from there. Because when he wasn’t standing, it felt like there was a little less pressure in his ankles and the pain felt more like somebody was just squeezing his Achilles tendon with force instead of feeling like he was constantly being stabbed. But like all good things, this too came to an end when they arrived at their destination. And then it was just hauling all of their stuff to the venue, getting lost on their way to get something to eat, barely making it in time for their soundcheck and then it was just too much waiting with nothing to do. Or Aleksi could’ve done a lot, like checked his emails, because there was always something in there, but he wasn’t in the mood, and that said a lot. The pain was still there, it wasn’t bad bad, like he didn’t feel like he was going to die to this washed up sofa in the backstage that looked like it had seen too much, but it was just constantly throbbing and it had progressed from his ankles to his head, because now it seemed that the pain was the only thing he could think of.
Deep down Aleksi knew that the guys knew something was up with him, because he had been awfully quiet the whole day. It’s not exactly that he was the loudest person in the room on a good day, but now he’d been quieter than usual. And the shocking part of all of this was probably the fact that none of the guys had said anything about his sudden silence or how he had probably looked like he was there just because he had to be there, not because he wanted to, all day. Aleksi just wasn’t up to explaining himself, not right before their show anyway. It’s not like he didn’t know how to say “I’m having a bad day”, but more like he didn’t have to acknowledge that he was having a bad day if he didn’t talk about it. One thing Aleksi definitely hadn’t learned over the years was that talking with somebody helped. Like when he was so adamant on pretending that everything was fine, when everybody with eyes could see that it was in fact not, his thoughts went to really dark places and really fast. But no, Aleksi wasn’t going to bother anyone with his little problem, because he was 25 and perfectly capable of dealing with his own shit.
There’s first time for everything and this was the first time when Aleksi wasn’t excited to go on stage and do what he loved the most about in this whole being in a band thing. It’s probably bad if you start counting down minutes to the end, before you’ve even finished the first song of the night. And that’s exactly the moment when Aleksi realized that he should’ve taken the painkiller in the morning. Or at some point during the day, because then he wouldn’t be stuck in the stage with the only thought in his head being: how much longer? But that’s probably what you get from being stubborn with a hint of stupidity.
For a person who had spent most of the day being passive and clearly looking like he rather be anywhere else than where he was, Aleksi was fast to get off from the stage and heading straight into the bathroom which was furthest away from everyone. He hadn’t seen any point in staying for a minute or two to hear how every other person in that band thought how good the show had been. It had probably been a good show, because they had put so much effort before the tour, so that their shows couldn’t be anything else than good or excellent. But tonight Aleksi really didn’t have any clue how the show had went. He had been too occupied with the pain and trying to stay on top of what he was supposed to be doing next, that he had paid pretty much no attention to anything else. Good? No. Got the job done? Yes.
The bathroom floor is where Aleksi found solace. He didn’t let his mind go into the “how pathetic that you’re sitting alone on a bathroom floor so that you can take some pills to feel good” - way, because the urge to get the pain stop or even lessen a bit was stronger this time. So Aleksi took two and rested his head against the wall. It would take a while to kick in, but in some way he felt a little bit better minutes after taking them. Because he knew he had survived the day and he knew he was going to feel a bit better soon. Aleksi knew that the pain that had been haunting him all day was not his only problem. He knew that outside of that bathroom door somewhere were five guys who probably had some questions or way worse - sympathy. And as he sat there as his muscles started to relax and the pain in his worse ankle started to loosen up a bit, Aleksi realized that he really didn’t want to be in this situation ever again. No not, sitting on the bathroom floor alone whilst waiting for your meds to work, that was fine. He didn’t want to be in a situation where he was doing what he loved and feeling like it was the last place on Earth to be at. Something had to change, or Aleksi had to change.
It was not even the first time he’d had this thought of needing to be somewhat gentler with himself, but it was so much harder to achieve than it sounded like. Last time, their first ever US tour, Aleksi had almost got to the point where he didn’t have to jump through hoops to deserve relief from pain and that was mostly Niko’s doing. Because he had smothered Aleksi with reassurance and kindness and telling that everything was okay, that Aleksi almost started to believe that. And then the tour had ended, they’d gotten back to Finland. And Aleksi had been left with his own thoughts and not so suddenly kindness and being gentle wasn’t an option rather than trying to see how much pain his body could handle and second guessing for the millionth time that what if he was just faking his diagnosis and the doctor was just playing along for some fucked up reason? It’s hard to fake an autoimmune disease like rheumatoid arthritis and even when Aleksi had thought about it existentially, he hadn’t come up with a single reason why someone or himself would do that. Drugs was the only reason he could think of, but the amount of meds that weren’t the kind that might get you high, like an opioid, he’d been, that explanation started to sound laughable. Because no one would do that to themselves, when the meds used to treat this chronic illness came with all kinds of side effects ranging from tolerable to absolutely the fuck not.
When Aleksi got to the point where he started to second guess everything, he got up from the floor, even when he had felt the most comfortable there compared to how he had felt most of the day. But he didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts, so he picked up his backpack and wandered his way back to his friends. Joel was in the middle of explaining something so vividly that his arms were flailing to every possible direction, so cautious of that Aleksi made his way to sit in the corner of the sofa after he had picked himself a can of Coke Zero. He didn’t have any clue what Joel was talking about, but for the first time that day he was just happy to be there, surrounded by all of his friends.
“Exhausted?” Aleksi heard Niko’s voice before he realized that Niko was sitting closer to him than he’d been before and his hand was now on his shoulder. Aleksi blinked and looked around to find the room empty, but he could still hear Joonas’ laughter from the hallway.
“No, yeah, just a long day”, Aleksi mumbled and if Niko hadn’t caught up that he was having a bad day earlier, now he definitely had. Aleksi forced himself to look at the older guy and not so surprisingly he found Niko looking at him with an expression full of calmness and kindness.
“Yes, I’ve taken painkillers”, Aleksi said before Niko could ask the question he knew was coming.
“Good, did it help?” Niko had another question.
“Mmh”, Aleksi nodded.
“Let me guess, you took it just now?” Niko asked but it wasn’t even a question. It was like he already knew.
“Yeah, but I managed”, Aleksi started a sentence and realized in the middle of it that he didn’t know how to finish it. Because that’s when he realized that ‘I managed’ when said out loud didn’t sound as good as it had in his head. This was going fine.
“Life shouldn’t be just manageable”, one thing Aleksi had learned over the years that Niko had an answer to pretty much everything.
Then Niko got up, vanished to the hallway for a while and got back holding an ice pack. And the way Niko placed it to Aleksi’s right ankle without much of a hesitation, after ordering him to lie on the sofa, told Aleksi that Niko had figured out that he was struggling that morning when he had very swiftly lost his balance and was forced to put his weight on his right leg instead of leaning very much to his left, not so hurting, leg. Sometimes it felt like Niko could see right through him and all his bullshit.
“I’m sure it’s going to be fine tomorrow”, Aleksi felt the need to say something and this was the first thing that came to his mind. Even when Aleksi knew that it more than not wouldn’t be much better tomorrow. But he had to believe that, because he didn’t want to think about the possibility of the pain getting worse. Because he didn’t have time for this, not right now. Tomorrow was a day off, so he could rest as much as he wanted to, even when his mind didn’t see the point of it. But the day after tomorrow, they were back in business and going to be busy, so Aleksi needed this to be gone by then.
If the flare up was being caused by all of the things that usually trigger a flare up. Being stressed, overexerting and the fact that his new med hadn’t shown its potential yet, he knew he was looking at least a few days or a week of pain and swollen ankle. But he didn’t have time for that and he very much didn’t have time to figure out how he could get a cortisone shot to his ankle, if the flare up wasn’t going away in like five days. Back in Finland, getting cortisone shot to whichever his problem joint was at that moment, was relatively easy, he just had to call his doctor’s assistant, but Aleksi didn’t have the energy to think what it would take to get it in this situation. And if he didn’t let himself think about the situation escalating to that point, it probably wouldn’t happen. Or that’s what Aleksi told himself to reassure himself that everything was fine and dandy and the ache is going to go away if he just allows himself to lie in bed for one Sunday doing absolutely nothing.
Niko hadn’t replied to Aleksi’s wishful thinking done out loud, but the look of kindness mixed with concern that Aleksi could see in Niko’s eyes told the younger guy what he was thinking. Aleksi closed his eyes and tried to get comfortable without moving too much. The ice pack under his ankle felt good and like it was doing something. At this moment Aleksi was grateful of Niko for being there, even when it sometimes still felt too much that he didn’t have to survive alone like he had taught himself to do such a long time ago. And maybe Niko was right about the fact that life should be something else than just surviving. The past week Aleksi had felt like he was barely being able to keep his head above the water. Like he was one mistake or one bad day away from drowning. But at least today hadn’t been the day he had drowned, even when he had felt like it. See, the pain which had vacated in his ankle all day, didn’t exactly start today. It had been there pretty much all week, only in a less severe form, and Aleksi had ignored it, thinking that it couldn’t get any worse. And then it had, and there he was, lying on a sofa with his feet in Niko’s lap with an ice pack which was soaking its content to Niko’s jeans.
“Just take it easy”, Niko said after what felt like forever in silence. And it was exactly what Aleksi needed to hear and at the same time the exact thing that Aleksi didn’t want to hear.