Archive of Our Own

It should be daunting to find oneself in a new environment where life has taken you to offer changes you didn’t plan for, however, it wasn’t such a case for Talay. He had been moving places to places since he started schooling due to the nature of his father’s work. He had gone through two schools in high school alone and though he had freedom to choose his university and stay in Bangkok, he spent the last three years in Australia. And him returning to Thailand for his fourth year was his own making as well. He would need to catch up to some subjects included in the curriculum and probably would need five more semesters including his internship before he could graduate. Else, he could cramped his schedule and try to finish everything in two years.  

He was still contemplating his strategy, holding his forms and portfolio in front of the university registrar when he felt someone coming. 

“Oh, are you here for enrollment as well?”

The stranger said, his posture was lax and his smile was easy. He was wearing a blue colored jacket on top of his white polo. His brown hair was parted midway, bangs framing his small face. 

His uniform indicated he was a senior student— a senior who didn’t wait for Talay’s answer before asking another question. 

“I haven’t seen you before! Are you from another department? Are you transferring to Architecture?” 

Talay cleared his throat; he was not good at small talk, and tended to keep to himself but he was still his father’s son and he was raised with good manners, thank you very much.

He was about to answer when someone tapped the student in front of him. Another senior—the blue jacket gave it away—but this one’s stance was more reserved. He kept a polite space between the two of them and pulled the stranger backwards. 

“I was wondering where you’ve run off to,” the man said, his voice exasperated but with a hint of fondness. His hair was black, a raven’s nest compared to the hazelnut brown of the person beside him. They were both tall, though Talay was still taller by a few inches.  Talay guessed they were friends by the comfortable air between them. 

“Sky! I was just talking to him—new student!” Mister Hazelnut said, pointing at Talay with an earnestness Talay observed on toddlers. 

Sky sighed and looked at Talay—his eyes were the same color of his friend’s hair. “Sorry for this hurricane. Are we interrupting you?” 

They both seemed nice and Talay could really use some help. 

“No worries, not sure if I have to call you Phi—I’m twenty two. And I’m a transferee.” 

“We’re of the same age! No need for Phinong, krub! I’m Rain,” Rain said, his smile still not dropping. Talay wondered if this was because Rain overdosed on sugar. “What school did you come from? Is it Chula?”

“I came from Australia,” Talay said plainly.

“Your Thai is very good!” Rain exclaimed to which Talay chuckled lightly. He couldn’t help it. Rain appeared to have no brain-to-mouth filter.

“I’m full Thai,” he deadpanned and waited for Rain’s reply but it was Sky who talked.

“Then… it must be difficult to match the curriculum right?” Sky asked, eyeing the forms on his hand. 

“It’s confusing,” Talay replied to which Sky nodded.

“Can I see?” 

Talay shrugged and gave his papers to Sky who immediately latched on the information presented to him. It took him a few seconds before he ushered his paper to his view. 

“You can enroll in all of the required subjects this semester except for this one,” he said, his finger pointing at the items in his paper. “You need to add its pre-req instead, this one.” 

Talay nodded, his lips curving into a small smile, and received his papers. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Sky said. “Is there anything else—?”

Talay shook his head. “I’m good. I’m Talay, by the way. Thank you both for the help.”

“Nice to meet you Talay!” Rain said, wai-ing, before he was tugged by Sky who also wai-ed, saying, “See you around.” 

And then as swift as they came, Talay found himself alone again. The campus was huge but if they were of the same department, and of the same year, there was a good percentage he would see the duo again. 

-

Of course, he would really see them again.

The first day of the semester, he shared two of his classes with them. He was soon introduced as the new kid, but this was college and being the new person in the room wasn’t a big thing. He greeted back when Rain found him, said his hello to Sky as well. And that’s that. He was sucked into the normalcy of being a busy student again, as if summer didn’t happen.

Two weeks passed and being classmates with Sky and Rain—and their friend group by extension for five of his subjects, Talay had internally listed the following information:

1. Their group was involved in their department’s student committee which explained the leg work after classes, and boxes which they brought at times, filled with paperwork.

2. Sky was the head of the said committee. He appeared intimidating at times but the juniors adored him because he was accommodating to them and his batchmates respected his leadership. 

3. Rain was an airhead, but his grasp of theories and model execution were at par with Sky, clearly ahead of his other peers. He’s the friendly one.

4. Sig was the funny one. 

5. Ple was the reasonable one. 

And Talay wasn’t pulled into the group—he didn’t plan to—not until they were preparing for a visit of an English-speaking professor who would fly from the United States for a two-day talk in their campus. Apparently, his student assistant before was an alumni of their university and connections were established. An invite was then offered to which the professor accepted. 

Talay could feel Sky’s glances at his direction during one of their classes that day. He would look down on his papers when Talay would catch his stare. 

Sky was bothered and clearly, he’s bothered by something involving Talay and so to return his good graces from their first meeting, he strode to Sky’s seat once their professor left, one of his bag straps on his shoulder. Sky stood up when he saw him coming.

“Do you need a translator for next week’s con?” Talay asked, going directly to the point.

Sky bit his lip and looked at Rain who heard his question. “I told him to ask you, Talay.” 

“I didn’t want to bother him, Rain,” Sky sighed before turning back to Talay. “You’re still settling into the school and I’m not sure if you’re free to help.” 

He took another breath before he continued. “But I’m honestly out of options. So Talay, can I ask if you can be our translator at the uni con?” 

Talay had a hint that Sky was like him in some ways—his words were direct, all thought out and concise. However, as much as he helped other people, he was not comfortable asking help for himself. 

“You can,” Talay replied in English then switched back to Thai. “Good for you, I did some translation work before as well. I’m happy to help.” 

Sky smiled, not the one Talay used to see, small and restricted. This one was more open, his lips curvy, lighting up his face. “Thank you, krub.” 

Talay cleared his throat and simply nodded.

-

It was his first summer in Australia when Talay sought solace from English literature. He was particularly fond of the classics, as it challenged his comprehension; and then after some time, poetry finally spoke to him as well.

He wasn’t nervous being the Asian kid, but he wanted to communicate well even if  he didn’t like small talk. He wasn’t a language major but his skills could only take him to daily conversation and not excelling at things he wanted to excel at, hurt his pride. His parents weren’t pushy, especially with his studies, but he liked learning and while Architecture was hard, Talay still found time to brush up on his English. He started with young adult books, Harry Potter was his favorite in high school and re-reading it in English was an experience. He went from there to Frankeinstein, and then when he was in a relationship with a classmate, he found Browning and Dickinson. 

It helped translate his feelings to words and while the relationship didn’t last, his habit of writing snippets of lines in his blue, medium-sized post-its continued. 

After coming back to Thailand, past a summer so dry but familiar, the notes which were kept in his notebook were hung once again in his small corkboard. 

“Hi Mae,” Talay greeted as he stood up from his desk to take a call.

“ Luk , is the place okay?” His mom greeted back without as much as hellos. “Is everything fine there?”

“Yes Mae, the place is good…clean, and it’s near uni,” Talay replied. He walked to his small kitchen to pour himself water. “Are you and Pho, okay?”

“The same, no need to worry about us, Talay,” His mom said, her delight on his question was evident from the tone of her voice. “Call us if you need anything.” 

Talay replied with a yes and a goodbye before ending the call. 

He was never a vocal kid but being the only child, one got to be spoiled somehow and for Talay, the spoiling only made him grateful so he tried to express his love to his parents as much as he could. They’ve given him everything he needed, including his looks which he grew to be comfortable with. He wasn't a fan of being the center of attention but having deep-set eyes, high bridge nose, and full lips, along with intelligence, acquired him some glances and confessions growing up. Being in Australia changed that somehow as people weren’t as expressive to the point of openly fangirling in school but he did grow into a leaner, muscled body and a height most his Thai friends envied. 

He walked back to his room in a few strides and opened his laptop. A friend from high school sent him a message about a post from a student forum featuring blurry photos of him and Talay sighed. He never missed this. He closed the page and started on his homework. 

-

It was clear as rain that Rain was dating, pun intended. Whenever he’s on his phone, and while it could just be him playing games, watching or going through his socials, it was the messages he received that made him giggle and warranted teasing from his friends and the calls that sometimes followed. 

A P’Phayu was then added to Talay’s observation list. 

He used to be a department god, they said, and the awe that Rain’s friends have for him was apparent along with the awe of their friend actually dating their idol. 

Rain was cute. And he’s an oxymoron of his name—he was sunny, cheerful, and he wore his heart on his sleeves. His face was pretty; he had a pair of round eyes, a prideful nose, and full lips. Anyone with eyes knew Rain’s a catch.

Talay used to date his type before. The department god, as much as they praised him and his looks, Talay could say that Rain held his own. 

Sky on the other hand was harder to read.

He’s quite the opposite of his friend—he appeared reserved, while he could come off as cold as some people mostly judged Talay, he was comfortable at showing emotions. He rejoiced for his friends’ successes, berated their shortcomings as needed and offered help after. He could work without talking to anyone for hours, just a pair of earphones on his ears, clearly comfortable in solitude. 

He appeared plain at first glance, his features in harmony but Talay was used to seeing good-looking people so it took him a few more glances to see that Sky was handsome. His facial structure was defined—heavy brows, high nose and thin lips—but then his marble eyes put the softness to it and made him pretty. 

It was fascinating especially when they were talking and suddenly, the sunlight came through and Sky blinked for his eyes to shine, the brown was honeyed by the light. 

He was not Talay’s type, not at all, but then he never met someone so likely and unlikely as him before and that made Sky so…interesting. 

-

It was well past eight in the evening and Talay wrapped up his revisions to grab dinner even if he wasn’t still that hungry. Their short outing earlier at 5 pm at Rain’s favorite cafe made him full enough to last through three of his papers. 

There were still few students in the library when he left, one hand clutching his folders, his canister tube and bag hanging on his shoulders. 

The evening made the school hushed down, with the sky repainting the building with its grays. Talay strode over the familiar path out of their department. His steps were not heavy but it announced his presence and so the two people sitting across each other on the hallway chairs looked up to see him. 

The girl sitting far right was a junior. She was nameless for him but her face was familiar. She wai-ed at him without a beat then she went back to her phone. Her things were seated beside her. 

The one sitting on the left side, who was closer to where he was standing was Sky. He gave Talay a small smile in acknowledgement and greeted him. 

“Going home?”

Talay nodded, his gaze went from Sky who looked quite sleepy to the seat beside him which only had his own canister. “Aren’t you also?”

Sky shook his head. “Not yet,” he said. He might have expected for Talay to go on his way after, so when Talay walked over and sat next to him, Sky looked at him as if he’d grown two heads.

“Aow,” he exclaimed. “I thought—”

“—are you waiting for Rain?”

Both of them said at the same time which made Talay pause. 

Sky was the one who picked up the conversation. “No, he went home already.”

Talay gazed back at him then looked at the person across from them who tried to appear not listening. He then heard noises from the outside, just a few steps away from them. The sound of hoots and easy laughter from a small group of men echoed through the hallway. 

Removing his glance from the source of the sound, Talay’s eyes went back to Sky who seemed to still be confused by Talay’s sudden company. Talay had a hunch of what was happening and with a sigh, he reached for his bag and pulled out some papers. 

“I drafted the interview questions for the conference. Here, have a look,” Talay said, placing the document down to Sky’s arm desk. 

Sky’s confusion was suddenly forgotten as he immediately looked at Talay’s material. 

Talay’s list was actually raw and had an unclear direction. He wouldn’t submit that in that state to Sky as he already knew what he needed to work on but Sky needed a distraction more. 

“Hmmm, I think we need to add a bit of qs about Professor Tate’s recent work and how he got the inspiration to do ‘The Sanctuary’ ,” Sky said just as Talay expected. “But this is a good starting point. We can redo some of the personal questions and drop the others.”

“Okay,” Talay replied and watched Sky pull a pen from his body bag and wrote notes on the paper. His handwriting was neat and clean, his hand was soft against the hardness of the desk. 

Twenty minutes passed as Sky tossed off some ideas which by this time, passed through Talay’s brain as he knew that Sky was also thinking out loud, not really filtering his thoughts just to stay unsleepy. 

The ringing of a phone stopped Sky’s string of words and Talay’s musings. The girl across from them answered it hurriedly and they both heard her reply, describing her current location. 

Another two minutes and Talay watched the girl fetched by her friend, a boy who was wearing another department’s logo. 

Sky watched them go and stood up, leaving Talay to look up to him. 

“Aren’t you going home?” 

He had such a superhero syndrome, Talay thought as he put the paper full of Sky’s handwriting into his bag and stood. Sky irritated him sometimes. 

Who would do this? Really, who would? Talay could not even believe what happened—apparently it’s Mr. Student Council President Sky who would wait until everyone went out of the building, even for a junior who did not even bother saying goodbye to them, sacrificing his hunger and sleep.

What a self-sacrificing idiot. 

Talay’s thoughts were still loud when they parted ways. Sky thanked him for what he did on the questions despite it being bad, just because he did not realize that Talay stayed because he wanted to see if he was right—that Sky was there to accompany a stranger to safety. 

And when he had his theory proven, Talay wanted to wring Sky’s neck. The idiot was also uncomfortable earlier, his body stilling in response to the noises outside, especially to the ones particularly loud and crass. But he did not back down, did not even ask if Talay could stay a little bit more and accompany him. 

And so, when one asked him why he stayed, Talay would answer it was because Sky irritated him in that instance for his non-admittance and non-seeking for help. He was his new friend so it was his duty to somehow read him and attend to his needs. 

(And not because Sky was unraveling to be a curiosity—cloaked with his rambles he tried to fill silences with, the light curves of his Thai letters, the way his eyes squinted against the harsh streetlights.)

-

The countdown to the school event was a bit crazy. 

Sky was quite a perfectionist and a fretter and that was never a good combination. But he pulled through with the help of his minions, who were not afraid to call out his nagging. It was a machine that ran through the years of experience which worked well and which was fun to see as an outsider. 

Talay was added into their Line group and his phone notification did not have a day off from then on. He learned to mute the convo and just replied whenever he got tagged. 

Sky sent him the updated script and they walked through it for a couple of days after classes. Sometimes, Rain joined them to nudge food in Sky's direction. 

Rain appeared not realizing it, as he was also eating with much gusto himself and Talay came to a conclusion that sometimes, Sky forgot to eat. He wasn’t skinny to the point one had to worry about his eating habits but maybe it was because he had people taking care of him like this. 

Aside from Rain, someone also sent him food deliveries, and Sky would light up at the phone message that popped after getting his food. He had a particular look on his face—it was the same as Rain’s whenever he talked to his boyfriend—and so Talay realized that Sky, too, was in a relationship. 

“I think this is good,” Talay said as he finished highlighting his part. He lifted his head to see Sky nodding, his relief was palpable with his exhale. 

“I’ll email our revisions to Prof. Mork tonight,” Sky replied. They were currently sitting at one of the university benches, bags lying neatly between them.

“One last task and then our checklist is ticked off,” Sky continued, moving sideways to reach for his bag. He took a pad of small yellow post-its and wrote on the top before sticking it on the folder of their script. 

This was such a normal thing to do—they were students and students used post-its all the damn time but Talay couldn’t help the affection it invoked on him. Sky’s fingers were long and his nails were chipped clean and they were stroking the paper as if it would stick better doing that. Talay’s eyes were caught in comparison of Sky’s hands to his, as he too would tap his own notes to surrender. 

The expanse of Sky’s undressed skin was white. They were gleaming against the sun as if Sky bore the meaning of his name and embraced the daylight.

When Sky’s eyes caught his stare, they were golden. 

-

As all of his instincts were found true, finding out that Sky was indeed in a relationship did not give him any kind of satisfaction. And when Talay realized that Sky’s gay, it was as if the universe was laughing at him. 

Finally here was a boy he was coming to like, after a year of moving on from his previous relationship, and he was unavailable. 

Talay knew his feelings of course—he got a high EQ and he knew how to process things by himself. The symptoms were loud; his eyes always finding Sky in the room without his brain meaning to, his ears open by any news of him from the people around him, his lips curving into a small smile whenever he found Sky endearing. 

He was beginning to like him in ways Talay perceived. His eyes were always open before diving into any of his relationships and so catching himself at the thought of Sky’s boyfriend was inevitable. 

After all, his instinct to save himself first was his priority. 

But knowing and imagining could only console himself so much as Talay soon found that meeting Prapai in person made him real. 

“P’Pai, you’re here!” Rain said, his other arm clinging to his boyfriend, P’Phayu aka the department god. He was in every way godlike, Talay could admit that, but Rain was his friend . 

Talay saw Sky’s eyes moving from Rain to the person coming towards them. He was polished with an expensive looking suit, smartly styled hair, and shiny shoes. 

A businessman then; he was older. 

And Talay knew the charm of older men who were settled enough to know their wants and needs, to know how to navigate the world by mere words only. 

Prapai was the very definition of tall, dark, and handsome. The fluorescent light was even forgiving to the edges of his face. 

And Sky with Prapai was a revelation. 

Talay noticed how Sky’s posture was relaxing as Prapai orbited around him. 

“Hello, honey,” Prapai greeted Sky as if Rain wasn’t the first one to greet him. 

But it seemed like everyone in their friend group knew their dynamics because the eyerolls which followed were automatic. 

Talay’s grip on his bag handle was tight. 

“And good evening to you too, Rain,” Prapai nodded at Rain who sighed at Phayu who then chuckled at him.

“I thought you couldn’t make it,” Phayu said.

“My last meeting was canceled. Don’t worry, I brought my car, not my bike you freshly made up,” Prapai replied, his tone was a mix of serious and teasing. “My darling Sky right here has a lot of things to bring home I assume, so car it is.” 

Sky was the one who snickered at that. “If you couldn’t make it, P’Pai, I’m sure my dear good friend Rain would let me hitch at his own car. He could drive me home first before driving off to his date with P’Phayu,” Sky said. 

“Oh but you did let me take you home the first time I visited you here at your school, choosing me over your dear good friend Rain,” Prapai said, his lips forming to a smirk when Sky’s indignant hiss was heard and a playful swat was given. 

“That’s because you’re so shameless!” 

Talay did not know that Sky’s blush reached the V of his collarbone. He cleared his throat, the sound of it pulled the attention to Talay. 

“Oh, you haven’t met Talay right? P’Pai, he’s the transferee I talked to you about, the one who helped us with tonight’s event.” 

Prapai’s eyes found Talay’s and they were a pool of dark brown, almost black. They were initially assessing, intrigued at what he’s looking, and then accepting after a couple of blinks. 

“Nice to meet you, Talay,” Prapai said, wai-ing to which Talay wai-ed back. 

“Same here, P’Prapai,” Talay answered. 

“So you just came back to Thailand?” Prapai asked, seemingly okay with doing a small talk with him. 

“Yes, from Australia,” Talay replied. “I did my three years of uni there.”

Prapai nodded, “Hopefully the transition wasn’t difficult.” 

Talay shrugged. “Sky—the group helps.” 

“And being their unpaid translator was your way of giving back?” 

Talay shook his head once and replied in English. “Yes. But I guess now we’re even.” It was a response he did without thinking. He was about to say that in Thai but Prapai’s reply beat him to it.

“Ah, I’m sure you are now, but these two might have adopted you into their little group already,” Prapai replied in English as well, straight, slightly accented but the words flew with familiarity on his tongue. “I did my masters in the UK,” he added as if he could read Talay’s mind. 

Talay did not speak again as Sky nudged Prapai whose attention went back to Sky within a snap. It was obvious that Prapai could give a hundred percent of his focus on Sky, like his spirit was yielding to him and him alone, and the people around him were forgotten.

Sky deserved to be loved like this, Talay knew, but seeing it hurt more than his imagination.

-

It was gradual—falling in love with Sky was like taking small steps down the ladder. He knew he was doing it, and while he was supposed to be still, or to climb, Talay could not help taking the road down. 

Maybe it was the urge to know the depth—how far this could go, what lies beneath. Maybe it was because of his name being the literal ocean, the sea, the flowing river. And like every sunsets on beaches, he realized how beautiful it was to see the sky and the ocean touching in a line, endless and unbroken.

He realized how falling in love with Sky was beautiful. 

-

“I’m sorry that I’ll ask for your help again,” Sky said when Talay greeted him after sitting down. They were supposed to meet on campus but Sky had another errand which was why they found themselves in the coffee shop near KMITL.

The cool breeze of the air conditioner helped clear Talay’s weather-induced headache. 

It was also very Sky to apologize for asking for help even if he’s always the first to offer it to anybody. Talay, if he’s being completely honest, disliked this trait. How could one extend help all the time and not expect anything back? In college, even more so? It was baffling, and Talay could not understand that. It annoyed him at first, guessing that Sky was just doing this for credits and something as shallow as a school reputation, but later on, Talay realized that it’s Sky’s nature to be giving. And so his impression of him—just another case of a star student who’s running himself to the ground changed to an empathic friend and a generous colleague. 

“I never said I mind,” Talay replied, his right hand reaching his cup of iced coffee. “If there’s anything I can do, I’ll be glad to be of help.”

It earned him an earnest smile from Sky. Talay quickly took a sip of his drink.

“All of us the council took you as an honorary member after you helped us with Prof. Mork, you know,” Sky said.

“I’m not sure how I feel about being in the same position as Rain,” Talay teased. 

“Oh, he’s been our mascot for three years and that's not changing until we graduate. Did you know that we even get to put him in multiple historical clothes during Cultural weeks? We started with Korean to bring it to him gently.” 

“Okay, I’m retracting to what I said. I can help with anything but with limits.”

“Don’t worry, this is easy for you,” Sky said. “I think.”

“Out with it then.”

“The foundation day is coming up right? We need a model for our poster. The group voted on you.”

Talay was about to say no, thank you, my face would not be put on any boards any time soon. 

Sky bit his lip and looked at him worriedly. “You can say no, of course. Maybe, it’s okay for Rain to do it again? I’m not sure but—we want someone from Archi to do it. It’s kinda, uhm, a tradition of sorts?” 

“Rain agreed before because his boyfriend did it too, am I right?”

“Yes! There are only so many good looking students in our department but you’re our best choice this year. Plus, you kinda piqued the interest of the school population after placing second in the dean’s list last semester.”

“Why not you? You’re the first one.”

“Me?” Sky asked, surprised as if the thought of him being qualified didn’t pass through his brain.

“Yeah. You’re smart, and you’re good-looking.” 

“Uhm,” Sky started. “I—“ and stopped, his words failing him.

Talay sighed. “I’ll do it.”

Sky’s confused expression adorably turned to a grateful one. Looking at his sunny smile and open, vivid brown eyes, Talay found out that it’s getting harder to say no to him. 

-

The poster was on every bulletin and Talay’s annoyance went up to a few notches. But he tried to keep it to himself as Sky seemed to realize his discomfort and kept looking at him with guilt. 

“This is nothing,” Talay said when he couldn’t stand his glances. “The fangirls are not quite as irritating as the ones back in high school.”

Talay knew that Sky wasn’t convinced but Sky accepted his offer of putting his predicament to an end. “Oh really, Mr. Popular?” 

“Really. The boys are also cute this time.”

Sky’s stare was long before he replied, understanding. “I’m still sorry, Talay.”

-

There were few instances that Talay was in the same place as Prapai. Of course, all of them were just because he was accompanying their group, Rain, or Sky himself. 

Talay learned he’s not easily intimidated when he was sixteen. His father was a businessman as well and he knew there was a certain kind of ruthlessness that you learned through years of experience. 

But Prapai, Talay guessed it’s a mix of that and his past as a competitive racer. He carried himself with an air of sureness as if he could fill up the room with his presence alone. 

Most of the time his eyes were teasing and he’s flirty with Sky but there were times that Talay saw how he worked while they were busy with their own projects. 

And while Talay observed him, he had the gut feel that Prapai was also doing the same. Talay thought that given how protective and possessive Prapai was, Prapai was still measuring what category he could put Talay into. 

An acquaintance. 

A friend.

A friend whose eyes strayed on Sky a number of times during their activity.

When they packed up and Talay walked through the door, he bid his goodbyes to his classmates, and finally looked back to Prapai. 

He’s outing himself, and Prapai was a smart man not to notice. 

He looked back because he’s honest to his feelings—he owned them, unabashedly. Sky went back inside first when Rain called him which left him and Prapai by the door.

It was unneeded, but he still said, “Take care of Sky, Phi.”

And then Talay walked away before Prapai could say anything. 

-

The first time Talay found out he liked boys, he was already in senior high school. The thought of fancying someone did not occur to him until a friend introduced him to his other friend who went to a nearby school. 

Their group spent breaks wherever their budget allowed them, and between the laughter and enjoyment came the horror of waking up one morning with a morning wood, having dreamt of P’Gene’s face. The reaction was normal, he convinced himself, but the cause of it brought him confusion. 

He never did have huge crushes on girls, he could say they’re pretty and then his focus went back to studying. But this time, his notes came with the sound of P’Gene’s voice in his mind, his chuckle, and his pretty face which P’Gene said he inherited from his mother.

The internet helped—finding out more about himself wasn’t easy but he got resources. And when he tried to spend time with P’Gene with just the two of them, he was happy. He didn’t know if his feelings were strong enough to be love but he liked the idea of them being together in the coming future. 

Gene was kind, cautious, and gentle. His soul was warm and his eyes were always tender. When Talay confessed, Gene said thank you, with a pair of teary eyes. He was careful not to break Talay’s heart but Talay already knew his answer before he admitted his feelings. He wanted closure since he was flying to Australia the day after their graduation. 

His first love was not technically successful, as first loves almost always weren’t. But it taught him things he’d bring into his official relationships which followed. 

But of course, Talay did cry that night of his first heartbreak. 

His parents also found out about his sexuality when he snuggled to his mom and sought her comfort the night after. They were surprised, but they were determined to be patient and to understand their child above all else. 

His mother’s soothing hug made the ache more bearable.

“You’re gonna be fine, sweetheart,” she said, looking at his father whose stern face softened a little. “They said that there are a lot of cute boys in Australia.”

Talay couldn’t help breaking into a few laughs. 

“Okay, Mae.”

-

They celebrated the end of their fourth year in a bar at Sig and Ple’s request. They wanted to drown in alcohol and they did, bringing along Rain and Sky who took some phone calls first to their boyfriends before stringing Talay along.

The bar was uncrowded, clean, and well conditioned. Talay helped bring their drinks into their table and nursed two bottles himself. 

“One more year, and we’re done,” Sig said chirpily to which Ple replied with a clink of their bottles. 

“If you won’t fail anything next school year, then yes,” Sky teased. 

“Aow! Don’t jinx it, Ai’Kai!” Sig groaned and Rain giggled. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll do our internship next sem and the last part of our thesis for the last sem,” Sky reminded and the three idiots all groaned. 

“Enough! Enough! My head still hurts from our finals,” Rain interjected, before drinking from his bottle as if it would wash away his headache.

“What about you Talay? You’ll be interning at the same company as Sky, right?” Ple asked, pulling him into the conversation. 

Talay nodded. “This one offers payment to interns.” 

“Ugh! Don’t remind me!” Sig hissed. “I also applied there but I guess my brain wasn’t developed as both yours are—that’s why I did not get a call back.”

“But you’ll be doing yours with Rain, where P’Payu works,” Sky said. “If you play your cards right, your lunch money won’t be touched most of the time.” 

“Eh, why?” Rain asked, a picture of complete innocence. 

“Aow, ‘cause he’s gonna mooched off the lunch boxes your boyfriend will surely send to your way, Rain kha,” Ple explained.

Sky rubbed Rain’s hair as the latter took in their statements and jokes. 

“Your boyfriend dotes on you, Rain,” Talay said to which the others hummed in agreement. “Lunches are given.”

“Speaking of boyfriends, mine did not last this semester so whoever can introduce someone who can dote on me too, please send them my way,” Ple said, crossing her arms. 

“Your ex was a bastard,” Sig said. “But at least you did have a relationship! I feel like I’ve been single for far too long! Especially when these two have the boyfriends they have!”

Sky and Rain giggled, clearly agreeing to what Sig said.

Sig then turned to Talay and squinted. “Don’t tell me you have a faen too?”

Talay clicked his tongue and took a swig of his bottle as Sig continued accusing him of being un-single.

“His poster alone got thousands of likes on our facebook page! He even got a post in the Mongkut boy page which means he has some kind of following online!”

Talay waited for the alcohol’s after taste to fill his mouth before replying. “I am single.”

“But you’re handsome!” 

“Ple is pretty too,” Talay countered. 

“You’re smart!”

“What’s your point?” 

“My point is that it shouldn’t be hard for you to be in a relationship like it is for me,” Sig snickered. “Unless you fancy someone and they don’t like you.”

Hmm. What a bullseye.

It was Ple who turned serious and looked at Talay, excited at the prospect of interrogating him.

“Who? Do we know them? Boy? Girl? Are they pretty? Handsome?” She asked in sequence. 

“I did not admit to what Sig said.”

“But you did not refuse!” Rain pointed, his eyes were crinkling with silent laughter. “Who is it?”

Talay shrugged his shoulders and reached for his next bottle. “Someone cute.”

The oohs that followed were automatic and the subject was dropped right after when they realized that Talay wouldn’t budge. 

The night went deeper and the bottles were slowly being emptied. It was a damn good time they were having after slaving themselves to their studies. 

Talay went to the restroom and after relieving himself and washing his hands, he found the familiar silhouette of Sky in the hallway. He took a few strides towards him and took note of his worried eyes and uncomfortable stature. Talay frowned. 

“What’s wrong?” Talay said, to which Sky jumped slightly, clearly surprised by his sudden presence. 

“Nothing,” Sky whispered. “I—“ He paused and licked his lips. “I heard a l-lighter.”

“Lighter?” Talay asked and Sky’s slow nod was all he got in reply. 

A sound made him this uneasy, a simple click punctured his feet to where he stood and Talay knew fears differed with everyone. They might come from varying causes but they all rolled down into a four letter word. And one of Sky’s fears was a lighter. 

Talay hummed and tried not to touch him even if his arms were itching to hug him until his tenseness passed through his body.

“Let’s walk back together, Sky,” Talay said, his words simple but he yearned to say, ‘don’t worry, I’m here, no one will hurt you.’

Sky blinked and Talay saw how he strengthened his resolve before he replied. “Thank you.”

Talay did not miss when Rain immediately knew something was off with Sky, reaching for his hand and gripping it. 

Ple and Sig were both sleeping next to each other, out for the count. 

“Don’t fret, Rain. It’s just—it’s the sound,” Sky said in a voice so quiet it hurt Talay to hear them.

Understanding dawned on Rain’s face and the next thing Talay heard was him singing something under his breath, the volume going higher when a smile slowly showed on Sky’s face. It was a silly kpop song but Sky’s eyes were glassy as if he was listening to a sad ballad.

The fear faded away gradually, as if every note that Rain hit replaced the echoes of what Sky heard.

The situation sobered the three of them and so when Payu and Prapai fetched them, they did not have to carry five drunkards out of the bar, just two. 

Talay stood still as the two older men arranged their group in their cars. His eyes never left Sky until he was tucked inside Prapai’s car, safe and unharmed.

Talay did not know if it was the alcohol that made him braver but before he went inside Payu’s car, he walked towards Prapai and said, “He heard someone clicking their lighter.”

Prapai paused and looked at him, his face was unreadable with only the hardening of his jaw gave away his anger. 

“Rain helped.” Talay continued. A pause passed between them, heavy and stifling, before Prapai replied. 

“I got it.” He nodded and then he opened the driver’s door and hopped inside. Only when he could not see Sky that Talay turned and went to the back of Payu’s car. 

Payu’s stare was also calculating when their eyes met at the rear-view mirror but for now, Talay did not give a hell if one more person knew. 

It would not change a thing.

-

That scenario, although did not happen anytime soon again, Talay did not forget. 

It made reading Sky easier—his dislikes of crowds, loud noises, cigarettes, his habit of helping someone first might also be a trauma response. 

Talay was not a psychiatrist, and while he did not have experiences that warranted these responses, he was educated enough to know them. 

There were people who, once they found out that the persons they loved were unwhole, they stepped back, their feelings latching on to that something broken until it got eaten with time and their conscience. 

Talay never thought it would be the same for him—because his feelings were more ignited to the point he could taste the words of confession on his tongue every time he talked to Sky. 

The first class they had after their drunken night out, Talay stuck his blue post-it on Sky’s notebook. Their professor was oblivious, head stuck on their laptop as they prepared the lecture’s ppt. 

Sky’s answer was through his own yellow ones, accompanied by a grateful smile.

Sky would be like Gene—he’d be kind and gentle and he would break Talay’s heart when it’s done. 

So he kept his silence and let his love simmer inside his heart, quiet and unyielding.

-

They did have a few weeks of summer break and Sky and Rain were both swept to vacations by their boyfriends. Talay took summer classes for the subjects he needed to catch up so he had the chance to graduate with the group.

The group chat slowed down a little as did the days that followed. He’d been busy, then he’s not, and he’d got nights where he dreamt of Sky’s eyes. 

Talay’s parents visited him for a week and it made him choked up after he curled into his mother’s lap once more. The smell of her made it easier to breathe again. 

“Please tell me I’m gonna be fine, Mae,” Talay said against the fabric of his mother’s sleeping pants. 

“Not right now, but you will be, luk ,” came his mother’s soft reply. 

Jealousy was an old friend who took and never gave.

All he could do was let it take his thoughts and crumpled it like a paper and hit it back to him again and again. It was torture and it reminded him how love was ugly and unforgiving too, if unrequited. 

-

Before they started with their internships, the group gathered at Sky’s place—a spacious bungalow he shared with Prapai. Every corner he looked, there were traces of him, of them, and how this house was lived with a nurtured love. 

They were inside an entertainment area of sorts. It was a cozy room with a huge tv and sofas, the line of bookshelves housing mangas filled the right wall. 

Ple and Sig were being too invested in the movie Rain picked— Titanic because he wanted a good cry—after scoffing at Rain earlier at his choice. 

Both Sky and Talay were seated at the ends of the group. Sky was watching with a lesser interest than the three, hands busy reaching for the popcorn from his bowl. 

Talay himself was not engaged since he has watched this a couple of times with his mom already. 

Prapai has not arrived yet from work, but he should be soon as it’s already near dinner and Sky called him earlier to pick up their food order. 

The scene playing now was the famous drawing scene and Rose’s breathy voice was loud from the speakers when she asked Jack to draw her wearing only the iconic blue diamond necklace.

Le Cœur de la Mer. The Heart of the Ocean.

Talay’s eyes found Sky screen-illuminated face, his brown eyes reflecting the blue twinkle from the necklace’s close up shot. 

The sea was vast, peaceful, then deadly. He knew what happened at the end. But Talay, for the second time he watched this film, wanted a happier ending. He wished the sea was kinder, for how could it destroy a love as deep as its own? His namesake was the real villain of the movie.

He stared for a moment too long before Sky turned and caught his eyes. Talay blinked and moved his face towards the tv again, escaping Sky’s questioning look like a coward. 

He took a deep breath, and gripped a throw pillow with his clammy hands, willing his heart to halt from juddering.

When Prapai called Sky through his phone, the credit scene was being shown. Sky announced that dinner was ready and so after doing some stretches, willing their numb bones to work again, they all stood up and went to the dining area. 

The group greeted Prapai who was folding the plastics from the packaging of their takeaways before taking it inside one of their kitchen drawers. He then nodded at them before reaching for Sky who let Prapai encircled his hand around his waist and kissed his cheek soundly. 

“Hi, honey,” Prapai said, ignoring his guests as they moved to find their seats. 

Sky chuckled before pushing him away and sat across Rain, his face was dusted pink. It was very becoming, Talay admitted despite being jealous. 

Prapai sat beside Sky, still smiling. 

“P’Pai, how was your day?” Sky asked, his voice a bit quiet as if he wanted to have a conversation only with Prapai. 

“My father hasn’t fired me yet,” Prapai answered jokingly to which Rain and Ple snickered. Sig was not slowing down with chomping his food to give any reaction. 

“No, but I think I’m gonna need another day to catch up on what I missed after our vacation. My dad was quite surprised at the duration I asked. He’s gonna be home from London on Thursday and Mae wants us there for dinner on Fri.” 

Sky nodded, listening as he helped Prapai fill his plate with food. 

“Will P’Plerng join? He’s not in the city this week right?”

“I asked him already to be there as well. He can drive back if he needs to,” Prapai replied. “Anyway, how’s the movie?” 

“Jack still died,” Sky replied before pointing his lips at Rain. “This one picked it.”

“Jack? Titanic?” 

Rain was the one who answered. “Yup! We still cried at the end. Well, except for Talay.” 

Prapai’s gaze went to Talay whose hands paused from moving his utensils. 

“I’ve seen it a million times already,” Talay said. “My mom makes me watch it with her when she’s watching it.”

“Boo,” Ple teased, elbowing him lightly. 

“Your parents visited you last week, right?” Sky asked. 

Talay nodded. “Yes, they could only be here for a week. Dad needs to go back to work.”

“Oh, what does he do, if you don’t mind?” Sig asked, his mouth was finally unoccupied to talk.

“Expanding the empire,” Talay deadpanned, waiting for the group’s reaction before replying seriously. “Dad’s business is in real estate. He’s growing a firm in Australia after a partner invested there. My aunt is working for the branch here.”

“That’s quite far from Architecture,” Ple said.

“My parents don’t pressure me. Though I did take some business classes as part of a dual-diploma program in Australia.”

“But you didn’t take it here?”

“I want to finish Archi first for the boards. Once I get a license, I can continue studying—but nothing is set in stone, yet,” Talay replied. “I like Archi but I did enjoy Business Ad too. Hopefully if ever I change my career, my father won’t threaten to fire me as well.”

Prapai’s eyes were twinkling after he heard what Talay had said. 

“Fathers normally don’t fire their heirs,” Prapai said to which Talay chuckled. 

“My father can’t fire me if I’m competent,” Talay replied. “Like yours can’t, P’Pai.”

Ambition equipped with intelligence was never not a good weapon. And if Prapai recognized it from Talay, he did not point it out. Instead, he wished him good luck. 

It would be easier to hate him if Prapai was a bad man, but he was not. He’s involved in Sky’s life as Sky was in his—he took time to get to know Sky’s friends, helped them with their personal and professional woes; he was a good host whenever they came over, and more importantly, he knew how to love Sky.

It was a language Talay was only starting to learn but Prapai was already fluent in. He could read Sky like a mastered book—his silences, his tenselessness when he felt safer, his pout, his moods, his body and soul. 

There was no competition. 

-

Rain called Talay when he was on his way to uni after spending half day in the company. It was already almost two months since they started with their internships and everyone could only see each other whenever they went back to uni. He needed materials for his thesis paper and their team leader let them off with assignments which they didn’t need to stay in the office with. 

“Is Sky with you?” Rain asked, a hint of excitement was evident from his voice. 

“No, he left earlier,” Talay replied. “He should probably be in uni by now.” 

“Oh, okay,” Raid said. “The proposal for the foundation week was approved and the nongs are happy and are asking for him.” 

The nongs Rain was referring to were the new roster of officers of their student council. Sky left his post as graduating students couldn’t be heads of any student organizations for them to accommodate their internship and thesis work. However, their group was still hands on with their help to their juniors, pitching ideas for the next school event being one of them. 

Talay could not help asking his question. “What’s the proposal?”

Rain took a few seconds before replying. “The theme is about mental awareness, right? Sky said we can do an anonymous bulletin where people can post the reasons why they stayed silent after traumatic experiences—he saw a viral tweet about this and one of the council members wanted to do it in our department.”

Rain’s voice was a little low at the end of his reply and Talay recognized the weight of what he said. 

“Okay,” Talay said. “I understand.”

-

The bulletin started with a note— ‘no one will believe me. i can’t speak up.’

And maybe it was the perfect start of what this activity’s output needed to be, more and more post-its were added right after, as if sending the first poster their support for their first attempt to ‘speak’.

The reasons were heartbreaking. They were simple, but they were heavy. 

i have no one to tell.

my parents won’t like their names to be tarnished.

my ex is well-liked. i am not.

i don’t know.  

Everytime Talay passed by this particular bulletin, which was gaining attention from more students and their online community, his eyes were searching for any familiar handwriting. 

His relief every time it turned out negative was palpable. He didn’t know if he’s ready to admit his observation on Sky was correct—that somehow he was one of these people with a simple but hefty ‘because’. 

And so when he was at the corner of the hallway, a few days after, when the sun had set and the evening set in, Talay’s heart dropped when he saw Sky placing his own note at the bulletin. Sky stared at it for a moment, before he turned and left. 

He did not know if his courage was enough but Talay found his feet striding across the hallway until he was standing where Sky stood moments ago.

Talay was locked in place and then he was running—his legs moving in autopilot as he felt his lungs burning. 

He didn’t know his destination, if wanted to catch up to where Sky was or if wanted to get away from the proof of Sky’s admittance. 

The path outside was cleared, and silent. Talay tried to catch his breath when he finally stopped running, his face damp with sweat and tears he wiped with shaking hands. 

He hoped that person was dead. He imagined that Prapai wouldn’t leave him alive after knowing. Talay would even make sure to check if that person’s pulse was felt after death or if their bones were still intact. Talay would plow the ground with his bare hands and make sure their body stayed cold, that even his decay would never have the chance to touch Sky again.

Talay didn’t even need a name since skulls looked the same. What he needed was vengeance for Sky’s little post-it paper. 

-

The next evening, he braved the bulletin again and took a picture. 

He sent it to Prapai via Line. 

He couldn’t help not asking—his heart was weary all night, forgetting to sleep in the wake of Sky’s past. 

You took care of this, right, P’Pai?

I’m sorry I know I’m out of line. I just want to know.

A message from Prapai was received right after.

Yes. 

He’s gone.

It was a relief to know his theory was true. Breathing was easier now, though Talay could still feel himself sinking in the depth of his unspoken feelings. 

But this was benediction. 

Thank you. 

-

If Talay chose to go back three summers ago, would it be different? Would he be the one with the right to hold him and love him the way Sky deserved? 

(Love him not in silence, not in restraint—not in the way it was impossible to grasp the vastness of his skin, the depth of his eyes, and the feel of his breath against his ear on Sunday mornings.) 

The Sky three summers after was the Sky who met Talay in an instance so normal but could always be remembered by Talay with fond remembrance. It was just this time where fate aligned them to meet, as if it could already dictate his timeline without him choosing. 

And all Talay could do was wonder what ifs.

-

Sometimes, Talay thought it’s impossible that by this time, Sky had got no clue of Talay’s feelings. But then, he remembered how difficult it was for Prapai to convince Sky of his affection—as told by Rain during one of their conversations. Sky would consider himself unloveable after what happened to him and that made Talay’s heart clench with melancholy. 

“P’Pai took time to change his view though, and Sky was determined to listen to him and believe P’Pai’s praises.”

Talay stayed quiet.

“Sky always teased me but he’s the first one who took me seriously. He’s my best friend and I hated that there were things he didn’t share then because he wanted to protect me—he said he likes the way I view the world,” Rain continued. “He had carried his burden by himself for years and he had learned to share it now to P’Pai, to us, and he’s gotten better over the years.” 

Talay took a second to take everything Rain uttered. “You’ve helped him before, even if you didn’t know about it, Rain.”

Rain nodded. “He said that too.” 

Silence reigned for a while until Rain’s voice broke it. 

“You like Sky,” Rain whispered. “P’Payu hinted at that but I never believed him until the bulletin event.” 

Talay sank on his seat, sighing as the tension he was keeping left his body . “What gave it away?”

“I saw how you look at his note,” Rain replied. “It’s the same look Prapai has at the mention of Sky’s ex. You were plotting murder in your head.”

Talay chuckled, not entirely bothered that Rain knew. “I kinda was.”

Rain looked at him over his lengthy bangs, his doe eyes were curious but cautious.

“Don’t worry, Rain,” Talay said. “I like Sky but he’s happy with P’Pai.” 

The smile that Rain returned was small, with a hint of pity. 

“You’re a good person, Talay,” Rain said. “You deserve to be happy as well.”

But not with Sky. 

“I know,” Talay whispered and smiled wistfully at Rain.

-

The race to graduation commenced sooner than they liked. Talay and everyone in their little group’s schedule was packed and they’ve been busy enough that they could not recognize sunrises from sunsets anymore, just plates and deadlines and stack of reports. 

Their internships were completed, and then they were writing their thesis paper and building models with hands they wished to multiply. It was frustratingly tiring, accomplishing one model did not give any sense of accomplishment for now, just a relief that it’s done. Their group was collectively sleepless, exhausted until finally their projects were done. 

Talay’s final project was called, ‘The Heart of the Ocean’, an architectural piece merging the city’s landscape and the sea. Inspired by the ‘Sydney Opera House’ , Talay modeled it to be situated near a harbor, using elements from Thailand’s floating markets. 

Ple and Sig thought Rain’s movie named his project but Rain knew better. Sky congratulated Talay for naming something after himself, unknowing that Sky himself was the point of the title.

And they had done it, by Buddha's grace, all of them were candidates for graduation.

The night before they officially get their diplomas, Talay sat down at his now cleared desk and opened one of his drawers. 

All of the blue post-its he scribbled lines into greeted his sight. He reached for them and laid them all over his table. 

The notes filled the space, as if transforming all of his feelings into a one big pool of love letters. 

He captured it with his phone camera. 

Talay stared at the evidence of a love unanswered for a full minute before he crumpled each note piece by piece. 

It was the beginning of an end.

-

Sunflowers were pretty on Sky’s arms. He was smiling, glowing on his graduation robes as P’Pai and his family greeted and gave him gifts. Sky’s dad was looking very proud next to him.

Talay’s own parents were present as well and after the ceremony, they all met to take pictures and exchange tokens. 

He gifted them with one of the items in their wish lists, making no excuses to convey his gratitude for the help and company they provided him. 

Talay received some too and he was particularly excited to see what’s inside Sky’s paper bag which he soon found out to be a sketchbook with a sea-inspired design and an expensive navy fountain pen with his name etched on its handle. Likewise, he gave Sky a satchel bag accompanied by a small bouquet of pink camellias. 

The hours kept ticking and while Talay knew it was possible to keep in touch, and to have the chance to work with them in the future, it would still be difficult to stay as it was while they navigated the world outside school. Things would change and the distance was inevitable. 

And so he smiled at their pictures, laughed and joked to his hearts’ content—keeping Sky’s serene face in his peripheral view to memorize this day. It was one of the best days of his life but Talay’s heart was sinking.

He couldn’t do it, confessing to P’Gene during the end of high school seemed so easy now. 

Then, as the countdown finally stopped, Talay decided to earn his goodbye. 

He sent Sky the photo he took the night before. A different kind of bulletin this time—filled with blue papers he wished to shower Sky’s yellow one in exchange for its pain. 

I will always root for you, Sky. 

He then added, because I love you was not needed. This was enough. 

Talay’s chest was constricting when Sky saw his message. When he found Talay in the crowd of people, he stopped, his robes swinging on his feet. His eyes conveyed so much and he turned to look at Prapai who nodded, and then Sky was stepping closer to Talay. 

“I saw,” Sky whispered, the wind carrying his determined voice to Talay’s echoing ears. 

“I don’t know what to say,” he continued, his honeyed eyes glistening against the sunlight. “But, I’ll always root for you too, Talay.” 

He didn’t win. Talay realized that even if he had met Sky earlier than Prapai, he wouldn’t be the one he’d let down his walls for. 

He’d be patient, waiting for Sky’s door to unlock, never would approach him until he knew he could knock. And that’s why by the time he’d think he could do so, Talay would already be too late for Prapai had already bulldozed his way over Sky’s walls. 

It wouldn’t be pretty—but it would be exactly what Sky needed. 

“Thank you,” he replied instead, finding his voice against the sound of his heart breaking. 

When Sky left, with Prapai in tow, Talay’s eyes were filled with unshed tears. 

At least he had a chance to be honest with Sky himself. He didn’t leave a room for any regrets. So when the future came, it was easier to welcome—when he was already working in an Architectural firm in Australia four years later, and had received a notification from their Line group chat which surprisingly survived the years, Talay could find it in his heart to genuinely wish Sky a congratulations for his engagement to Prapai.

After all, Sky deserved a happy ending the most.

end.