Archive of Our Own

“Could you take care of the cash check today? So I can look after the stray cat we took in…”

Kazutora puts the broom back into the corner. “Ay ay, boss,” he replies casually and salutes by holding his index– and middle finger to his temple.

Chifuyu sighs. He never liked hierarchical structures. “Will you ever stop calling me that?”

“Nope.”

He rolls his eyes in response and turns away. Kazutora, however, doesn’t miss his quick but amused smile.

“Oh, by the way,” Kazutora says. “You and me, Saturday evening, 8:00 p.m. Movie is Stuck Together. I managed to get us tickets.” He heads to the cash register and tightens the knot in the back of his apron along the way. “You won’t believe how quickly drive-in cinemas are sold out on weekends and what a fight I had to put on, like damn.”

“Woha, really?” Chifuyu looks back over his shoulder with a crooked smile. “Did I miss something or since when are you voluntarily down for romcoms?”

“Since I’ve been hoping that dating my boss will give me some occupational advantages,” Kazutora replies nonchalantly because he noticed the anticipatory undertone hidden beneath the other's voice. At the same time, he starts typing on the cash register. “Sacrifices have to be made, or something like that.”

Chifuyu laughs. Kazutora loves this sound. It feels warm, like candlelight in winter. “Well, then let’s see if you only sleep through half of the movie this time.”

Smirking, Kazutora blinks towards him as the cash register pops up with a ping. He keeps looking after Chifuyu as he disappears through the door, raising his hand in a temporary farewell as he leaves.

A pleasant silence occurs which is only filled by soft background music. Kazutora’s watchful gaze gropes its way through the pet shop. Everything is where it's supposed to be. The animals are taken care of and lie in their boxes, relaxed. Good.

Kazutora adjusts a few decorative items before pulling out a calculator so he can start with the cash check. Conscientiously, he focuses on his task, although it's already something like a routine. He works here for a while now. For a year, two months and a week, to be exact. Twelve years in jail in total won’t let him go just like that — neither do the habits that he acquired during that time. Like counting weeks, for example. Or months.

Perhaps, after all this time, he should have gotten used to it by now. To his freedom. To his work. To this life. To this … peace. But sometimes it still feels surreal to him. Everything seems like it can be taken for granted, although it should not. He becomes even more aware of it when he thinks back to all the shit he went through in prison, when he was beating the hell out of some suicidal fucker who tried to stab him in his sleep with an improvised knife.

Gang brutality exists in prison, too. Out of the radar from the guards, but it exists.

Even behind bars, Toman was known. And especially in a confined space, juicy details about newcomers spread faster than a forest fire. Enemies of Toman who had been there longer and knew the rules of the game had their … methods of dealing with a founding member left on his own devices. With fresh meat, as they liked to call him accompanied by a dirty grin on their lips.

Since the other inmates avoided him out of fear, his enemies were able to go wild on him, which still didn’t mean he made it easy for them. They weren’t the only ones with methods. Kazutora may have been a tiger in the slaughterhouse; weakened and traumatized, but still a tiger. Besides, the feeling of guilt made it easier to accept. Easier to endure.

Somehow he had managed to own this game and to make it through his ten years of confinement. But no matter how much therapy he received or how many strategies he acquired in prison; it was absolutely no use to him once he was released. It felt like a free fall into the unknown. The world was a completely different place than it had been a decade ago.

With a gap of twelve years in total and as a twice-convicted murderer, it was impossible not to feel like a complete stranger. It probably was only a matter of time before he would have fallen back into familiar patterns because of all the fear, all the frustration and the feeling of powerlessness – the only things he had left of the old world that gave him a sense of stability. He was a ticking bomb with an invisible timer and no one could estimate how devastating another explosion would have been.

Maybe he would have hurt people again. At worst, murdered.

But someone managed to defuse him.

“Kazutora?”

“Boss,” he replies in a laid-back manner. His little bell-earring jingles softly as he looks up to see Chifuyu standing in the doorframe. The one who didn’t just defuse the invisible timer, but saved him. In every way possible.

“You free after work?” Chifuyu asks and clearly isn’t happy about it. “The storeroom is a freakin’ mess and we won’t have much time to clean it up during the day…”

“I am,” Kazutora agrees. “Everything for you and the employee of the month title.”

“Thanks!” Chifuyu smiles. He either actually overheard his sarcasm or blatantly ignores it. “I will get us some hot chocolate after!”

Kazutora looks after him as he rushes off again as a warm, well-known feeling occurs somewhere near his heart. It’s almost ridiculous that a hot chocolate is the reason for it, although he knows that it doesn’t come from the hot chocolate alone; but from the memory it's connected with. It’s basically the reason why the ice between them crumbled.

The chance for a fresh start was what he needed. What they both needed. Although it was anything but easy, since the shadows of the past clung to them like tar.

At first, they barely exchanged a word. Kazutora didn't even manage to look him straight in the eye, and his attempts to somehow get on the same wavelength could be described as trying, at best. Whether his awkwardness was apparent, he didn't know. If so, Chifuyu didn't let on. Undisturbed, he lived his daily routine, letting Kazutora live in his apartment like a ghost.

Then there was that one late summer night.

He and Chifuyu happened to meet in the kitchen, visibly exhausted. Pale skin, deep circles under their eyes. They drank hot chocolate and talked. Talked about themselves, learned something about each other and somehow the approach felt so easy for the first time. Both seemed to suffer from intense nightmares at times.

However, it did not remain with one sleepless night. In fact, it repeated itself more often than either would have liked.

At some point, Kazutora was driven back to the kitchen at half past one in the morning, and he prepared more than just his hot chocolate. On the one hand, he hoped that Chifuyu didn't appear and was able to get some rest. Unfortunately, the nightmares were as reliable as the night itself.

Chifuyu entered the kitchen, saw the hot chocolate, and ... smiled. If the tentative lifting of the corners of his mouth in tandem with the exhaustion in his eyes could even be called such. But no matter how shitty the circumstances may were; it felt good to have made him smile at that moment.

Kazutora's nightmares varied. Sometimes it was his parents' house, sometimes it was jail, and when it was really bad, it was Shinichiro's murder or Bloody Halloween. That night was no exception. Panic-stricken, he was startled out of his sleep and only marginally heard his choked scream. Gasping, he sat up in bed with his trembling fingertips pressed to the root of his nose, convulsively trying to calm himself.

Then the door opened. Wide eyed, Kazutora stared at Chifuyu standing in the doorway. His black hair was a mess, the expression in his oceangreen eyes indefinable, and the dark circles were clearly visible as he also seemed to be suffering from nightmares again.

Kazutora still had flashbacks from his nightmare. Heard Chifuyu's scream as he held Baji's dead body in his arms. Bloody Halloween was so close again, so terribly close, and Kazutora could hardly bear to even look at Chifuyu. “I'm sorry,” he stammered absentmindedly. Hoping that at some point it was enough, though it never would be. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry-”

Chifuyu replied nothing. Silently, he approached him, laid down in bed next to him and wrapped an arm around his upper body. From then on, no one said a word. Kazutora still felt the reverberations of his nightmare, but Chifuyu held him tightly, so tightly that no broken piece of himself could slip and hurt him.

Since that night, it became customary for them to sleep in the same bed together. Eventually, the nightmares slowly but surely faded. And when they did return, they had each other – even if it felt strange at first to get to know Chifuyu's vulnerable side. Unconditionally, Chifuyu was always the hero for others. But he never revealed his own inner struggles.

Once, Kazutora woke up in the middle of the night. Not by himself, but because of a jerky movement on the mattress. The light sleep he acquired during detention did the rest. Chifuyu sat up in bed breathing heavily, with his fingertips wedged into the sheets, staring into nothingness with his eyes wide open. He looked vulnerable, hurt, and afraid. Another one of those nightmares again....

Covered by darkness, Kazutora put a hand on his shoulder. Chifuyu stiffened at the unexpected touch, and when Kazutora tried to gently pull him down, he noticed resistance. Whether Chifuyu couldn't or wouldn't let him, he didn't know. In the end, Chifuyu reluctantly gave in. Silently, he laid down again. Was still tense when Kazutora protectively wrapped his arms around him without saying a word.

He did not allow himself to fall asleep before Chifuyu did. Whatever it was that kept Kazutora awake that night; it didn't let go of him until he was two hundred percent convinced that Chifuyu could sleep in peace. Since then, things have been steadily getting better. Old wounds slowly healed and the temporary, shared living became something permanent.

At first, Kazutora had thought that they were merely bound together by tragedy. But at some point during the healing process, somewhere between hot chocolate and shared shifts at the pet stop, somewhere between learning to dance together for Pah-chin's wedding and making silly jokes, somewhere between sporadic dating and a peaceful daily routine, something unexpected quietly came to be.

Back in prison, when he dared to ponder about his future, he had expected many things. But never this.

A familiar sound draws him out of his thoughts. He listens attentively as the ringing of the store doorbell suddenly announces the appearance of a customer. Hm. Unusual for this time of day. Officially, the pet shop only closes in a few minutes, but it's rare for customers to come here so close to closing time. But when they do, it's only for small things, and they are usually done very fast.

"Welcome," Kazutora greets politely, looking up from the calculator with a smile. His bell earring jingles softly. "Can I–"

His world stops spinning. So abruptly that the brute force of the unexpected halt nearly knocks him off his feet. His eyes widen in shock as he stares at the pet shop’s doorstep – like a startled deer that finds itself in the headlights of a speeding car. He blinks in disbelief. Surrounded by the late summer evening light, she almost looks like a ghost.

Her long black hair, with which he last saw her half an eternity ago, now only reaches her shoulder. But that's her. Ryoko Baji. No doubt about it.

The person who wasn't even involved in the Toman-Valhalla conflict, but had to pay the highest tribute a mother could ever pay. All because of him.

'Murdered', his subconscious reminds him. 'You murdered her son.'

"Tora," Ryoko greets him back. As his old nickname comes up for the first time in over a decade, he tenses as if under a blow. She, on the other hand, acts so composed that he feels utterly stupid for being so nervous. "I'm looking for snacks for cats. The ones with bits of vegetables. Do you have any of those?"

Her words seem to bring him back to life. Shallow and soundless, he draws in some air. It feels strangely refreshing. Had he been holding his breath?

"Third shelf, back right."

She gives him a fleeting smile. "Thank you."

Kazutora nods, face as stiff as frozen water, and looks after her as she enters the pet shop. He doesn't quite know where to put his gaze. He doesn't want to stare at her, but he can't concentrate on the cash check either....

The faint echo of her footsteps fades and he watches her go until she disappears between the shelves. Meanwhile, his body slowly breaks out of its rigidity and his hands, which until just now had been lying motionless on the counter, clenched into fists. So tightly that his fingernails press into the flesh and leave crescent-shaped imprints.

His gaze aims into the void as he tries to somehow process the situation, as if in a trance. Ryoko has always been unpredictable in her own way. But this, right now, was almost ... normal? Why it's throwing him off like this, he doesn't know. Maybe because none of what happened was normal at all.

That, or because he always imagined the first encounter since Bloody Halloween to be different. Not harmonious, not normal, not like this. She could hold what he'd done against him. Let all her pent-up pain out on him. She could shake him to his emotional foundations with mere words and he would endure it without resistance, because it is her right to do so.

But she would never do something like that. Of course not. That’s not how she is. She is temperamental, yes. But not cruel.

Many years ago, Kazutora's father's hand had slipped again, as they used to call it in his household at the time. This time, however, it was firmer than usual. A violet bruise blossomed on his left eye shortly after.

His mother ordered him not to leave the house until the bruise had swollen away. Secretly, she already had a new boyfriend, but until that was settled with moving out and she could leave his father in a night and fog action, she would have to rely on his money. She didn't want her plans to be jeopardized, and if Kazutora really stood by her as he had promised, he would understand.

And of course he understood. He understood that his mother was desperate and just looking for a way out of this hell after all these years. He understood that everything was fucked up and complicated and he was really just a drag on her. Yeah, he understood all that shit. Still, he fled the apartment that very evening, ignoring his mother's orders.

He had to get out of there. He needed to fucking breathe.

His path led him to the nearest junkyard. There he gave free rein to all his pain by indignantly hitting the cars with a crowbar. Tears streamed from his eyes and he screamed until it felt as if his vocal cords would tear at any given moment. But it only provided little relief.

He didn't want to see his mother start another family with a new man, where he himself would eventually be nothing more than the shadow of a horrible marriage. But staying with his father was certainly not an option, either. His mother always acted as if he had a choice, even though he never did. Because if Kazutora had really had a choice, he would always have chosen love.

It wasn't until Baji showed up at the junkyard that all the anger and hatred slowly ebbed away, just like it always did. No matter how scared or angry he was; it was always a wide, sharp-toothed grin that made everything better.

Together they set a broken down car on fire and Baji made announcements to thoroughly beat the shit out of Kazutora's father for what he did. Just like Mikey did it once. Thereupon he offered him with a broad grin that he could just move in with him. That didn't work, of course, but ... for one night it would be okay, he thought.

Because of his bruised eye, they tried to sneak into the apartment inconspicuously. But if there was one woman in this world who should not be underestimated, it was Ryoko Baji. Of course, she caught them both, and Kazutora remembers how she just looked at him silently for a moment.

What followed was a mess. It was a miracle that he and Baji were able to keep Ryoko from going with him to the doctor immediately, and to the police right after. That would only mean more unnecessary stress for Kazutora's mother…

Reluctantly, Ryoko gave in. However, she gently but firmly put a hand around his shoulder to lead him to the bathroom. “How in the world does one get the stupid idea to leave something like that untreated?!” She scolded him, while she gently cooled his swollen eye. “You could suffer permanent damage!”

Kazutora was not worried about that. His mother was overstrained anyways and he didn’t have a high place on her priority list right now. Or on anyone's priority list at all. Except Baji's. Just the mere thought that even his best friend wouldn’t care about him anymore, that the only support in his life was falling away, made him sick. But for the moment it was enough to be seen by Ryoko.

One night turned into a couple of days and Kazutora felt as if he had been silently integrated into the family. Things were chaotic, and he and Baji got into trouble with Ryoko at least once a day for doing some dumb shit. But it never felt like anyone was demanding that he disappear. Still, he decided to take off early so as not to be a burden to anyone unnecessarily.

When Ryoko asked him if he felt ready yet, Kazutora just grinned trickily at her and nodded. Actually, he never had any problems with lying, but her intimidating charisma made him extremely insecure. Of course, she wasn't buying any of it. When she eyed him suspiciously from narrowed eyes, he had to pull himself together to withstand her stern gaze and not pull his head between his shoulders.

In the end, she just signed. “You're welcome here anytime, Tora,” she said, and ruffled through his black hair lovingly. “And don’t you dare to think otherwise.”

Even though he was reluctant to accept her offer at first and Baji always had to drag him to her house, it eventually became normal for him to stay with the Baji’s for a few days when things escalated again in his own home. Actually, Kazutora hated intact families. He really despised them because they had what he longed for. But Baji and Ryoko felt like a safe haven.

A safe haven that fell apart after a while. Nevertheless, it was beautiful as long as it lasted.

And with Baji's murder, he finally destroyed the place that he used to call his safe haven.

He wouldn’t be visited that much in prison. Kazutora accepted it quickly. At some point Chifuyu's first letter reached him, but until then his detention was lonely.

He had murdered his best friend with his own hands. The others first had to come to terms with what had happened. His mother was finally divorced and busy with building her new life. And that his asshole of a father didn’t show up wasn’t a surprise, but he was more than fine with that.

What did surprise him, however, was the visitor request from Ryoko Baji.

A request which he immediately rejected.

At that point, they hadn’t been on good terms since a while.

Kazutora's psyche was in shambles back then and he would have been capable of the most fucked up shit. But to face her ... he couldn't. He just couldn’t.

The awareness of having murdered his best friend was unbearable. Yet it wasn't even close to the pain Ryoko had to endure as Baji's mother. All because of him.

That was the last time he heard from her.

Until now.

Again, it is the faint echo of her footsteps that pulls him from his memories.

Every fiber of his body tenses as she approaches the counter with a pack of snacks for cats. His palms moisten and it feels like an invisible noose is slowly tightening around his neck.

Kazutora wants to run away.

He doesn't want to hurt her with his presence. Not her. Not again.

The weight of a thousand unspoken words descends on both of them as Kazutora receives and scans the snacks. The beeping of the scanner is dangerously loud. Almost too loud for the fragile silence.

It feels so fucking wrong to take money from her....

He hesitates before asking the following question, but Chifuyu insists on always asking it for the sake of politeness. "Baji-san, do you pay with card or with-"

"It's still Ryoko to you," she demands, and her intrepidity hits Kazutora like a cold shower. "Call me by my first name, my god. We’re not such strangers to each other. "

Kazutora raises his head, blinking in perplexity. "I, eh, of course I didn't–"

For the first time in over a decade, he looks her straight in the face. Her shoulder-length black hair is swept behind her ear on the left side. Her age has left slight marks by now, but not many. A reproachful expression dwells in her bronze-colored eyes, and the striking resemblance to Baji is immediately apparent.

"Tch. Baji-san," Ryoko repeats. Disapprovingly, she contorts her face, flashing her exceptionally pointed canines.

"Ryoko?"

Immediately, their gazes follow the sound of the third voice. A wave of relief rolls over Kazutora as he sees Chifuyu standing at the entrance to the next room. The evening light reflects briefly in the piercing on his left earlobe as he approaches them. He has always admired this competence in Chifuyu; his sincere politeness with which he always faces his customers and this rebellious repartee when someone tries to fuck with him.

On his arm he carries their foster case – a former stray cat that they took in a month ago. Actually, they have no more capacity for more cats, but Chifuyu took on the task anyway. In the beginning, the cat had been hissing at everyone and it seemed impossible to re-train her and make her adoptable. But Chifuyu knows how to mend broken souls. Kazutora probably knows that side of him better than anyone.

"Chifuyu, Sweetie, hi!" Ryoko waves at him, and for the first time in what feels like an eternity, Kazutora sees her smile. When Chifuyu stops in front of her, she eyes him anxiously and sighs. "You don't treat yourself to any free time either, huh?"

He smiles sheepishly. "It's all good, really."

With a quick nod, he gives confirmation that she can pet the cat in his arms as she raises her hand questioningly.

"With her white fur and black dots she looks like a typical Maneki-neko," Ryoko notes enthusiastically. "They bring good luck!"

Gently, she caresses the cat's forehead. A gesture which is immediately acknowledged with a comforting purr.

Chifuyu can't help but to keep smiling. Thereupon, he raises his eyebrows questioningly and now muses at her as well. "Did something happen...?"

"Oh, no," Ryoko replies unceremoniously. "My cat food just ran out all of a sudden." She lifts the package to demonstrate. The rustling catches the cat's attention and she immediately looks at the snacks with twinkling eyes.

Ryoko places the pack of snacks back on the counter and crosses her arms into a tight unit. "Oh, by the way. Your coworker here," she continues, pointing her thumb in Kazutora's direction, who tenses again. She sounds displeased and makes no effort to hide her state of mind. "Seeing him today for the first time in at least eleven years, and he doesn't even have the decency to ask me out for coffee. Can you imagine?!"

Chifuyu seems amused by her statement and retorts something, but Kazutora blanked out his reply as he slipped into his own thoughts. He knew that he would have to face her eventually. That he could have done it long ago, but he kept putting it off because he didn't know how. Or when. But probably there's never a right time for that…

Still, he gets her subliminal hint. Whatever she has to tell him, or wants him to tell her; she seems to need it for her own healing process. Kazutora doesn't want to deny her that opportunity. Not a second time.

"Coffee," he croaks tonelessly, not recognizing his own voice.

As Ryoko and Chifuyu continue their chatting undisturbed, he clears his throat briefly to give his voice more emphasis;

"Coffee?!"

He realizes that he unintentionally meant it a bit too well with the emphasis when all eyes are on him in sudden silence. Ryoko looks at him in surprise, Chifuyu stabs him with a deadly 'did you just yell at a customer?’-look, and the fur ball in his arms … yeah, it’s gawking at him, too.

"And here I thought you weren't even going to ask anymore," Ryoko counters softly, untangling her folded arms. "What time are you done for the day?"

Their gazes meet, and for the first time Kazutora doesn't feel the urge to look away. Ryoko looks as determined as ever, but something in the bronze depths of her eyes makes the shallow waves uneasy. A hidden urgency. He wonders if Chifuyu has noticed it, too.

He's struggling with himself because he can't leave Chifuyu hanging. Kazutora hesitantly opens his mouth and is already mentally thinking of an answer, but–

"6:00 p.m." Chifuyu cuts in. Kazutora looks at him in surprise, but Chifuyu is still turned to Ryoko for politeness. "So circa twenty minutes."

Ryoko looks at him again. Kazutora releases his gaze from Chifuyu to return her's. Accompanied by a nod, he confirms, "circa twenty minutes."

"Then let’s meet at the entrance of Yoyogi Park in an hour," she sets the meeting place. "The one near Meiji Shrine."

After that, she pays for her purchase, exchanges a few more words with Chifuyu, and as she puts the pack of snacks into her white shoulder bag, the cat comments it with a horrified meow.

Before heading out the door, she turns around again fleetingly. "Be on time and don’t forget my coffee!"

Her blunt directness catches Kazutora off guard for a second. "Eh, yes!"

Out of the corner of his eye, he notices Chifuyu bowing slightly and he hurriedly does the same. As soon as she has left the pet shop, Kazutora begins to sort the money into the cash register with stiff movements. Along the way, he tries to let it all sink in. Somehow. But it's still too surreal to really comprehend.

"You didn't have to do that." Kazutora wants to grin. But his guilt only allows a faint twitch of the corner of his mouth. "Now you have to clean the storeroom all by yourself..."

Among those who suffered the most because of his actions, Chifuyu is undoubtedly one of them. He didn't have to stay with him, or give him a job at the pet shop. Not after everything Kazutora did to him. That's why it feels so terribly wrong to let him do it all alone.

"There's a reason why Baji respected that woman so much." Chifuyu shrugs his shoulders and turns around. "So you better not keep her waiting, got it?"

He walks towards the back room to put the cat back in her box. "You know … at this time of day, no one usually heads to a pet shop across town just for a pack of cat snacks. Especially not when a supermarket is much closer and open longer."

Kazutora blinks a little forlornly. Then his gaze falls back to his hands. Everything inside him tightens.

His mind wanders to their upcoming meeting. He wonders what she has to say to him.

Will it be the words she requested the visit for back then, which he refused to accept?

Has she carried it with her all this time?

For more than a decade?

The grinder of the coffee machine is working.

It whirs quietly away. Gradually, the smell of coffee fills the cozy back room, which serves as a retreat for employees during breaks. Normally, the room is not used at the evening hour, which is why Kazutora would feel slightly out of place if his thoughts weren't completely elsewhere.

"Hey, so, if you do need help, then..."

"I'll be fine. Really," Chifuyu intervenes calmly but firmly. He turns away from the shelf, where quite a few accessories for animals have found a place, and heads for the door that leads him back to the pet shop. On his way there, he throws Kazutora a sly but benevolent smile. "So you better be gone by the time I get back."

Kazutora looks after him without comment. He just leans against the wall with a restrained sigh and crosses his arms. His bell earring swings as a result, allowing a soft tinkling to meet the fragile soundscape. Sand brown eyes rest thoughtfully on the coffee flowing into the paper cup. The one with cream and … Surprised, he blinks. That he still remembers this detail even after more than a decade....

Kazutora takes a deep breath. In unison, he lets his eyelids fall shut. To say he's just a little tense would be the understatement of the millennium.

Despite the background noise, he feels how it’s slowly swallowing him; the strange silence. And in that silence, more and more memories accumulate, wafting through his head like shadows. His fingertips relentlessly dig into the hem of his bomber jacket as his last encounter with Ryoko plays out in his mind's eye. Once again, he realizes how ugly it had turned out.

It was the day he was finally released from this shithole where he had lost two years of his life. Kazutora was on his way to Baji’s flat. He needed to know why Hanma was the one picking him up at the gates of the prison and not his best friend. He had to convince himself that something important just came up. That he hadn't just forgotten about him and preferred to hang out with his little, blond, oh-so-perfect vice, just like Hanma wanted him to believe.

When the door opened, however, it was not Baji standing in front of him, but his mother; Ryoko. But instead of a warm smile, he saw only coldness in her bronze-colored eyes. Instead of a benevolent ruffle through his hair, her arms were crossed, and instead of a heartfelt "You're welcome here anytime, Tora," she met him with accusing silence. That she confronted him in this way had become the norm even before his imprisonment. Nevertheless, it left a bitter aftertaste.

The family-like relationship between them fell apart when he began to condemn her for her strict way to raise Baji. If there was a higher meaning behind it, he didn't see it. Nor did he want to. He hated to watch her scolding or shooing Baji around all the time for some stupid bullshit. Kazutora had to endure his own abusive mother for years. As if he would let it happen to his best friend!

For the eternity of a few seconds, they would stare each other down. Even though he guessed that he was used to her dismissive attitude towards him by now, this time it felt different. Colder. More final ... more uncompromising. Finally, Ryoko spoke up: "Keisuke isn’t here. And I won't tell you where he is,” she clarified coolly. “I don't want you to see each other anymore. You're not a good influence on him.”

Back then, Kazutora was unpredictable. Looking back, he can understand Ryoko's worries. Still, her words were like gasoline dumped into already roaring fire – and at the same time, like a merciless slap in the face. He smothered the burgeoning pain in his chest beneath burning hatred. In a desperate attempt to keep the flames under control, his hands clenched into trembling fists.

Something then changed in Ryoko's eyes. Something Kazutora couldn't define, but he didn't care anyways. Without another comment, he turned to leave. Went back to Hanma, who was waiting for him. Ignored Ryoko when she called his name. He felt betrayed and left alone. By the world. By everything. Baji was all he had left. No one will take Baji away from him. No one.

"Fuck," he mumbles and presses his thumb and index finger to the root of his nose.

Those memories. His guilt. All at once. It's ... a bit much. A little too much.

“Intoxicants and violence seem promising, but they're the worst option of all,” his therapist had once told him. “When you feel overwhelmed, try to find an outlet that won't cause you or anyone else pain.” And actually, he knows she's right. Still, he feels more and more at the mercy of his almost overpowering demons – until a meowing pulls him out of his state.

He blinks. Instinctively, he searches for the origin of the sound, as if it were a light guiding him out of the darkness of his own mind. His search ends at their foster case. At their lucky cat, as Ryoko lovingly titled the cat earlier. Curious, the animal tilts its head and looks at him. Evening light dances through amber eyes, causing the curious gleam that is inherent in them to glow like flares.

Kazutora follows the furball's line of sight and discovers a colorful feathery toy for cats lying on the shelf nearby along with litter, transport boxes, blankets, and collars. After a moment's thought, he sighs in surrender. Unerringly, he walks to the box, gently lifts out the cat, which makes a strange cooing sound as he does so, and sets it on the floor. He grabs the toy, crouches down and rests his elbow on his knee so he can rest his cheek in the palm of his hand.

Amber eyes fix on the colorful feather toy as Kazutora wiggles it back and forth a bit. Then the cooing cat reaches for it once with her right paw before playfully rolling onto her back and trying to snatch the feather with both front paws. A gentle smile lights up his face. There is something pleasant about this lightheartedness. As if it just pulls all his inner turmoil away, like the full moon pulls the water off the beach.

"This is a pet shop, not a petting zoo."

"It’s cool," Kazutora replies in a laid-back manner. "Sometimes I catch my boss secretly playing with the cats, too."

"Touchè." Chifuyu snorts in amusement, breaking his teasing seriousness. "But don’t forget about the time, okay?"

"Yessir." Kazutora gives a half-hearted salute. "I’ll keep a close eye to–" But as he looks back over his shoulder, he instantly tenses. The grin on his face snaps painfully into place, and his chest becomes so tight it feels like he can't breathe. "It…," he finishes the sentence he started, but the muttered word can barely be heard.

Unlike him, Chifuyu is still wearing the clothes of the pet shop. But while Kazutora has been preparing, Chifuyu has added an inconspicuous item: plain glasses. Usually, he tends to wear contact lenses, except when he has to work overtime or take care of paperwork. But it's not the glasses that rekindle the familiar self-loathing in him – but the story behind it.

As soon as Kazutora sees those glasses, memories of Valhalla flicker through his mind. He sees Chifuyu. Unconscious. He hears the sickenly loud crack of the bone in his right eye as it shatters beneath Baji's fist. Over and over again he relieves the moment that affected Chifuyu's vision so badly that his damaged eye never fully healed again.

Kazutora had only found out by chance when he entered his office one night. Chifuyu had fallen asleep at his desk next to a stack of papers, probably due to exhaustion because of the nightmares. His head was pillowed on his folded arms and the terrible realization overwhelmed Kazutora like an avalanche when he saw the glasses for the first time, which Chifuyu had successfully hidden from him until then.

Chifuyu only made silly jokes about the glasses. Made fun of how stupid he looked with them and how little it suited him; to his rebellious appearance, the black hair, the piercing on the left earlobe and the undercut. But Kazutora knew from the first second that he alone was responsible for it. He had set the whole thing up back then. He let Baji beat up Chifuyu because he couldn't control his jealousy.

And that hadn't even been the worst thing he did to him.

"Chifuyu," Kazutora breathes before he can leave the room. "Why?"

There's no teasing boss. No playful undertone to lighten the seriousness. The coffee machine has long since turned off, Kazutora notices, and along with its whirring, the only background noise is gone. The silence between them swells noticeably. Chifuyu stops in the doorway, but doesn't turn around. He seems to know exactly what is meant by this question, though.

Why did you give me a chance when you must have hated my guts?

As he mentally reviews the time after his imprisonment, it strikes him that he and Chifuyu never deepened their conversations about the why.

“Why?” Chifuyu repeats his question. “Because it’s Kisaki who is to blame, not you.”

Chifuyu looks back over his shoulder. The corners of his mouth are slightly raised and his eyes radiate a gentle understanding. Those oceangreen eyes that Kazutora knows every nuance of inside and out, but could sink into over and over again. Suddenly, he seems to be able to breathe.

"It wasn't easy for anyone back then." Chifuyu's expression becomes more serious. "Especially not for you."

For a few heartbeats, Kazutora drifts in the comforting feeling of being seen. Something he rarely felt back then, but now feels it almost daily thanks to Chifuyu. Then a contemptuous snort escapes him. "I can't make it that easy on myself and use it to downplay what happened."

"Nobody asked you to do that either, right?" Chifuyu retorts. On his heel, he now spins around completely, his hands tucked loosely in the pockets of his apron.

Kazutora's mouth opens to say something back. But he closes his mouth again to let whatever he wanted to say die on his tongue. There is so much more meaning behind Chifuyu’s words...

Quickly, the cat grabs the feathered toy and draws Kazutora's attention back before he can think about it in more detail. Astonished, he looks at the ball of fur. The cat is still lying on her back, triumphantly biting into the toy she’s holding with her paws.

"None of this would have happened if Kisaki hadn't had his filthy fingers involved," Chifuyu says as he crouches down beside him.

Even after all these years, the mere sound of that fucking name is enough to make the pure hatred deep inside Kazutora stand out like a deadly stinging flame.

"Things were complicated back then. They were complicated, fucked up and we were way too young," Chifuyu continues. Silently, Kazutora gives him a wistful sideways glance.

"I won't and can't speak for Ryoko." Chifuyu runs his hand through the cat's soft fur. "But I'm convinced you have a good heart – no matter how things will turn out."

With his shoulder, Kazutora pushes open the back door of the pet shop and kicks it back into the lock with his heel, as he holds a paper cup filled with coffee in each hand. The air is pleasantly chilly, and on the distant horizon the sun gradually beds down to rest. Fiery evening light floods the streets, drenching Shibuya in a mysterious glow that wavers somewhere between brightness and twilight.

A late summer breeze ghosts around, playing with the strands of dyed blond hair that frames his face. He has left only his bun when he changed back into everyday clothes after his shift. Yet he shivers slightly, despite his bomber jacket. For a few minutes, his path leads him through the city until he can make out the wooden torii in the distance that marks the entrance to Meiji Shrine. So their meeting place is close...

Muffled, he can hear the crunching sound of dry leaves. His legs carry him towards Yoyogi Park and it happens completely automatically, almost apart from his own perception, as if his whole consciousness had switched to autopilot. Rigidly he fixes the next turn and presses his lips together. He swallows. Just ahead, turn left and–

He turns the corner, but immediately falters as his gaze collides with two bronze-colored irises.

...Baji?

Shocked, Kazutora takes a step back in a daze as the unexpected sight knocks the wind out of him.

"Tora," Ryoko greets, meeting him with an obliging smile. He can't interpret whether she's noticed his momentary awkwardness. If she did, she hides it well. "Thank you for taking the time."

"Hey." He carefully smiles back as he mentally grounds himself again. "Likewise."

She eyes him and the corners of her mouth lift quite a bit in response, exposing the tips of her sharp canines. "And I was afraid earlier that you'd forgotten how to speak in complete sentences."

"Sometimes I manage it." He hands her the coffee. "On good days."

Ryoko seems amused by his statement, and Kazutora takes a closer look at her. He immediately notices the cigarette she casually stubs out and tosses into the trash can. She smokes. That’s new. She didn't do that before. On the contrary, she hated it.

Once he and Baji had secretly tried smoking. They didn't cover the smell decently and Ryoko scolded them afterwards; the two of them should keep their hands off that crap and she doesn’t need that disgusting stench in her apartment.

The cigarette, her short hair. It's just these inconspicuous details that reveal how much she struggled with her loss, and probably still does. Kazutora feels his heart tighten painfully. As if the awareness of him being responsible for her loss is reaching out for his heart and tries to crush it.

"So, how’s work so far? How's Chifuyu doing as a manager?" Ryoko chats unabashedly as she accepts the coffee and starts to walk. "Do you have an employee of the month system? I bet you have one!"

"Hm." Kazutora walks up beside her and brings the coffee cup to his lips. "Chifuyu is the best manager you could ask for. He's dutiful, but doesn't act out. After all, he has never been into hierarchical structures."

"That really sounds a lot like him!"

"Oh, and yes, we actually have a system like that," he continues. "Chifuyu introduced it at some point. For employee motivation and appreciation, or something like that."

"Well ... that sounds a lot like him, too."

"I've made it three times already," Kazutora announces, accompanied by a mischievous grin.

She giggles. "Congratulations."

His breathy laugh streaks over the edge of his cup.

"And how's Chifuyu doing as a boyfriend?" Ryoko chips in.

Wait ... what? Kazutora's eyes widen. Did Chifuyu...?!

This question catches him off guard like a blizzard in the desert. Coughing, he taps his fist against his chest twice as he chokes on his coffee.

"Excuse me." Ryoko blinks up at him, clearly surprised. "I didn't mean to offend you..."

"It's okay," he croaks, waving it off quickly. For her sake, he tries for a calming smile, which only turns into a pinched grimace. "Things are going well with us," he answers hastily. "Even without an employee of the month system."

Ryoko looks at him with a gentle gleam in her eyes. Her features soften. "I'm very happy you two have found each other." She looks ahead again, taking a sip of her coffee. "Oh, the one with cream!" She notices, pleasantly surprised.

Kazutora gives her a quick smile. Then he does likewise, but pauses halfway through. Idly, his lips rest on the edge of his cup as his already wobbly grin slowly fades. He directs his expressionless gaze straight ahead as well. Watching the cool wind dance through the autumn colored treetops as he wonders how Ryoko must have taken this information. That the murderer of her only son has found happiness with his best friend.

He feels sick.

Ryoko's presence doesn't throw him off the way it did earlier in the pet shop. Still, it feels surreal to be able to talk to her so lightheartedly. Even more so after everything that happened before his detention. And as if that wasn't enough, he also denied her the opportunity to come to terms with her loss and to process it properly. He doesn't want to make it that difficult for her a second time.

"So, about your visitor request back then…," he begins. His lips tremble a little. As if they can't withstand the weight of those heavy words. "I'm sorry. I...I should have–"

"Let's go this way."

Kazutora doesn't know what exactly makes him pause. The sudden change of subject? Her carefree tone? Both? Confused, he looks after her as she takes another path, casually waving him behind her with her right hand.

That’s the only response he gets, although it is obvious that she must have understood him. He doesn't quite know what to do with it. Isn't that why they met in the first place? So they can talk things out?

Hesitantly, he decides to follow her. In some matters, one simply cannot look into her head – something she has always had in common with Baji.

Kazutora’s body awakens from its motionlessness to catch up with her. A peculiar silence envelops the scene, dragging down the lighthearted atmosphere like a sinking anchor.

Normally, Kazutora would try to lighten this strange tension with a humorous comment, but it doesn't seem reasonable to him right now. He looks around. Just like summer, the last rays of the sun have disappeared.

The dusky blue darkness makes the lanterns along the way glow, and in the dim light he recognizes that they are moving further and further away from the path they originally walked. A few moments ago he could make out a few strollers or cosplayers, but even the last groups of people are out of his view by now.

For a while, the only sound is their footsteps hitting the asphalt at regular intervals, until at some point they stop in a secluded part of the park. Kazutora furrows his eyebrows as his skeptical glances study his surroundings. This place seems somewhat familiar to him....

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Ryoko's hand move to her white shoulder bag, from which she retrieves the pack of snacks. The snacks from the pet shop, he notices, and Ryoko then wiggles the package a bit, so that an auspicious rustle echoes through the incoming night.

It doesn't take long, just a few seconds, until a cat curiously peeks out from behind a nearby bush. Discreetly surprised at the unexpected appearance, he watches as the cat cautiously sneaks towards them and even enters the cone of light.

"Would you like to feed it?" Ryoko asks, holding out the package to Kazutora.

His thoughtful gaze falls on the snacks.

"If she accepts it from me, sure."

He takes the snacks, crouches down, and tosses a piece to the cat. Examining it, it sniffs at the food before lapping it up. Either the cat is used to being fed by humans or this isn't Ryoko's first time here, which would explain the confidingness. Or she just has the same effect on animals like Baji had. After school, he fed some stray cat’s almost every day and–

Oh. Now Kazutora remembers. He and Baji used to come here a lot because of the strays. So that's why this place feels so familiar....

He tosses the cat another treat, but this time at a shorter distance. When it is also eaten, he holds out the food with an open hand. The cat pauses briefly, but then dares to approach him. While he is watching it, he notices other movements at the edge of his perception. Turning to it, he sees, no less surprised than before, two more cats sneaking into the cone of light.

Kazutora is astonished when he sees that one cat is at least twice the size of the other two. Damn, it’s round. Fluffy too, but so round.

"What are you usually feeding them, steroids?"

Ryoko curls her lips. "Cheeky pet shop employees," she replies dryly. "You'll have to watch out for the big one though, it’s a bit peculiar."

Okay, so she actually does seem to be here more often.

"I’ll make sure that every kitty get’s the same amount of–"

"But you still have to give this one a little more!" Ryoko instructs.

Irritated, Kazutora looks back and forth between the three.

"The big one! My favorite cat!" Ryoko crouches down beside him and his gaze follows her finger pointing. "Because it looks like a Maneki-neko, too! They bring good luck!"

Ah. That's the reason why this cat is overfed. So much for fairness.

"Uh, sure."

He puts down some more snacks for the supposed luck-bringing cat.

Then silence occurs.

"Keisuke has always wanted a cat of his own."

Kazutora holds his breath and his stomach tightens. Restless, he waits for what will happen next.

"But I couldn’t afford one. If the cat had to go to the vet, I wouldn't have been able to handle it financially." Ryoko folds her arms loosely over her bent legs. The euphoria has vanished from her voice without a trace.

"When I noticed that he was secretly spending his pocket money on cat food, I used to bring it for him from the grocery store. That way he could feed the strays in the park." The hint of a smile lights up her face. "And now I do it for him."

Now I do it for him. She is now feeding the strays because Baji is no longer here to do so. And Kazutora is aware – fuck, of course he is – why. He presses his lips together as the guilt comes over him in waves, threatening to drag him down. It takes every ounce of discipline he can muster not to let it show.

Baji was the contradiction in person. All or nothing. But that's exactly what made him unique. He effortlessly beat up older guys single-handedly because he thought they looked at him the wrong way, or set cars on fire out of sheer boredom. The softer side of him, the way he regularly went to the park to feed stray cats, was only seen by those he was truly close to.

"I never blamed you for refusing the visit back then," Ryoko finally says, picking up the thread from earlier. "I don't blame you for any of what happened. I thought you should know that."

...Huh?

Convinced he had misheard, he turns to her as if locked in place. He doesn’t really notice the accusatory meowing in the background. His entire perception focuses only on Ryoko. As if everything of importance in this world had shrunk to that singular point.

"Chifuyu told me everything. About the Toman-Valhalla conflict. About Bloody Halloween," she elaborates. "It would have been easy to blame you for everything." Kazutora literally feels how she is looking right through him. "Easy, but not right."

With a blink, he breaks his apathetic stare. Her words reach him, somehow. But his mind resists believing the meaning behind them. After more than a decade of resigning himself to the fact that she must despise him, it would simply be too good to be true.

"Life didn’t treat you well back then," she says, referring to the night when she saw his bruised eye for the first time that he got from his violent father. All of a sudden, Kazutora feels numb. Completely numb.

A cat joins Ryoko. She stands up and braces herself with her front paws on her knee. "You should have been protected." Gently, she caresses the cat's forehead. "And I should have paid better attention to you when you were within my reach."

"You had nothing to do with it," Kazutora quickly interjects so she doesn’t jump into wrong conclusions and unnecessarily blames herself. He's surprised by how determined he sounds, and that his steady voice betrays nothing. His gaze is directed toward the ground, but he isn't looking at anything.

"I'm one of the main people responsible for starting this damn conflict in the first place." An impatient meow resounds through the tension one more time. The dark cat nuzzles up to him, begging for more food. "I shouldn't have let Hanma and Kisaki manipulate me," Kazutora clarifies.

Absently, he runs a hand through the soft fur. "I shouldn't have let my vindictiveness take the better of me. I should have protected Baji!" Suddenly, his tone loses volume. His voice shakes and it makes him seem fragile, so ridiculously fragile. "I-I should have..."

"You were young," Ryoko says firmly. "Too young. Teenagers shouldn't be standing on a battlefield fighting for life and death." She's silent for a moment, letting her words sink in. "And it would have been the responsibility of us adults in the first place to stop it."

Kazutora listens. Carefully, he dares to look back at her.

"I never felt like I could reach Keisuke. I tried my best, but I couldn't. He just had the misfortune of being the son of a studpid mother – and an even more stupid father."

Ryoko seems so composed that Kazutora almost dismissed the underlying bitterness that resonated especially in her last words as an illusion.

"I sensed that something terrible would happen if something didn't find a way to reach him. But instead of continuing to search for a solution, I simply passed that responsibility onto others who had the access to Keisuke that I lacked."

She is still caressing the cat's forehead. "So I passed my responsibility on to Chifuyu. And before that, to you. That wasn't reasonable … but I was too desperate to see it."

Again, that demanding meow sounds, which Kazutora ignores.

"I think a part of me died with Keisuke," Ryoko confesses. “But you're not the one who killed my son. Kisaki did.”

A faint smile appears on Ryokos features while she caresses the cat, but it doesn't reach her eyes. “I lost sight of the fact that you were just a child, too,” she continues, “left on your own and in need for help.”

Kazutora feels as if a vacuum is opening up inside him because of those words. He feels everything and nothing at the same time, yet it hurts.

“That’s why I requested the visit back then,” she concludes. “Because I didn’t want to let you go through it alone.”

"I… " He answers automatically, without really noticing it.

He knows it's his turn to say something, even if he's still having a hard time finding the right words. It’s just too much. Way too much.

The impatient meow resounds again, but this time it devolves into a reproachful hiss and the big round cat knocks over his cup, causing the coffee to spread across the asphalt.

"Hey, what the – ?!" Instinctively, Kazutora gets up again, jumps back and stabs the cat with piercing glances. "This is a little more important than your growling stomach!"

Offended, the cat hisses again.

Ryoko places her hands on her knees and leers past him. "I told you the round one is a bit peculiar..."

As he hands out some more food, the cats quickly eat it up before storming off like they've been chased by the devil himself. Sometimes he'd really like to know how the brains of those animals work...

Sighing, he slumps his shoulders. "I understand," he answers, instead of this is so much more than I deserve. Ryoko has never been the type for apologetic ramblings or sentimentalism anyway.

Invitingly, he holds out his open hand. She reaches out for him. Her handshake is resolute as he helps her up with gentle determination.

“Good.” Ryoko’s features are hard and unreadable. Suddenly it feels like she doesn’t look at him, but sees him. “And now stop pretending.”

“Pretending?” Kazutora huffs a shaky laugh. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She rolls her eyes and since she is still holding his hand, she pulls him into a hug. Kazutora lets it happen. Wide-eyed, he stares into the darkness beyond the cone of light and doesn’t move an inch. He remains like that, frozen, while everything that was said within the past minutes sinks into him.

Kazutora learned during therapy that, sometimes, forgiveness can be important. Not because you approve what happened or to forget it – but to take your power back, so that the past won’t eat you alive.

Kisaki manipulated him, but he was the one who stabbed Baji. That’s an undeniable fact. He expected Ryoko to take what she needed to move on, what she needed to life, and then simply leave him behind along with the past.

He wouldn’t have blamed her. He wouldn’t have blamed her because he would have understood. Actually, he had expected everything. But not … this.

“Idiot.” Her voice is solid. If she is struggling, she doesn’t show it. “You have been strong long enough.”

He presses his trembling lips together, suppressing even the most inconspicuous noise. Kazutora can’t even remember the last time he had allowed himself to cry, let alone letting his guard down in front of someone else besides Chifuyu.

Relief washes over him like a wave. Tears flow down his cheeks uncontrollably and it feels a bit like drowning; breathing becomes increasingly difficult and his vision blurs. His body shakes, like there is a dysfunction in his system, as if he weren’t made to openly show his emotions.

The feeling of guilt is still present. So is the nasty inner voice which whispers you don’t deserve any form of love and forgiveness. But at the same time he lets himself acknowledge how much he wants it anyways; to come to terms, to come to terms with his past, to come to terms with Chifuyu and with Ryoko.

Ryoko still lives in the same apartment complex like she used to when Baji was alive.

Kazutora looks at the building. A painful melancholy catches up to him. It has been an eternity since he has been here.

When he sticks his hands into the pockets of his jacket, he feels the package of leftover snacks. As he wants to give it back, she waves it off.

“Take it. I've noticed how your foster has been lusting after the food. Well, I just can't deny cats anything. Especially not lucky cats." She shrugs indifferently. "Besides, I know where to get snacks when I need them again, right?"

"Right," Kazutora notes gently. "So, if you happen to like the cat..." He puts the snacks back into his pocket. "She'd be ready for adoption soon."

“Hm. I’ll think about it.” Ryoko turns to leave and raises her hand in farewell. “Oh, and thanks for the coffee, by the way." She throws him a smile over her shoulder. "You and Chifuyu are always welcome to drop by to say hello."

"We will," Kazutora assures her, stowing his hands in the pockets of his jacket. The corners of his mouth lift into a faint smile as well.

As soon as she is out of his sight, he turns around to leave.

While he walks he looks back to the silhouette of the building that he used to call his safe haven for the last time. His bell earring jingles through the silence of the night. A frosty wind swirls around him once more.

He then directs his gaze back forward.

Due to the cool temperatures, his breath rises as shallow fog towards the starry night sky.

With quick steps he hurries through the dark streets of Shibuya, directly to their shared apartment. Once there, he jogs up the stairs. When he enters their apartment with a questioning "Hey?", he receives no response. Chifuyu must be asleep by now.

He enters quietly, slips the jacket off his shoulders and removes his shoes. With a raised eyebrow, he notices that the light in the kitchen is still on. When he goes there to turn off the light, he sees it: on the kitchen counter are two steaming cups of hot chocolate.

“And?”

He quickly turns around. Chifuyu casually leans against the doorframe, arms crossed, glasses on and smirking. “How did it go?”

Kazutora looks at him for the duration of a few heartbeats. He then approaches him, wraps his arms around his waist and leans their foreheads together.

Why he does this, he doesn't know. Perhaps he needs to feel his happiness with all his senses to truly comprehend it.

Chifuyu seems a bit perplexed at first. A few heartbeats later he closes his eyes in silent understanding.

There was a time when Kazutora longed for peace like this, but it seemed unattainable.

Now it feels like he finally arrived where he always wanted to be.

At home.