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“The place looks really good.” Tubbo said, “I’m glad we finally have the time to hang out.”
Ranboo let out a chuckle, “I know, it’s been pretty busy.”
“It’s been weird with you being here for so long and not seeing you, considering you lived with me for months last year.” Tubbo said, sitting on his couch and Ranboo sat next to him.
“Yeah, I just got pretty busy and once I wasn’t with Aimsey, Tommy would come over and we would hang out so I’m glad to have you here. It’s been too long.”
Tubbo nodded. He knew it had been. Ranboo was right. But Ranboo wanted to go back. Ranboo wanted to go back to when it was just them against the world. Back to before they had to worry.
He wanted to freeze them in that time, in that loft, with that episode of the office and that shitty song playing somewhere with terrible snacks and lousy excuses for good drinks.
He wanted to freeze them with wide grins and genuine laughter with their bodies too close and feelings too real.
They used to spend every day together. Every single day, even before Ranboo came to the UK in June. It was call after call, day after day. But now all he feels is that he might be losing Tubbo. Or maybe he already lost him. Maybe he lost what they had by not trying hard enough.
Ranboo lo- he.. he loved- he loves Tubbo. He does. And Tubbo doesn’t want him to say it. He tried once and Tubbo shot him down. So Ranboo has been waiting since July for the time it’s right. For the time Tubbo lets him finally say what he's been dying to say.
If that day ever comes.
Because as they sat on Ranboo’s couch and passed over the Office for options on stuff to watch, Ranboo knew the truth.
After he left, his chances died a lot more. The distance he put between them both physically by going home to America and mentally by trying to stop these feelings before they ruined him. He tried to end the feelings by keeping distant from everyone he possibly could.
And the timing couldn’t have been worse. The minute Tubbo was getting open to the idea of dating.. Ranboo left.
Then when they did talk, they ended up fighting. Because Ranboo was being unfair and Tubbo was being insensitive. It ended in two breakdowns and lots of silence, till Tubbo made his way over to California for streams.
Then they went to the beach the night before Tubbo had to leave, so he could have a sunset on a sand beach and not a rock beach. They talked and Tubbo initiated a kiss.
They shared a kiss as the sun fell behind the horizon and then Tubbo went home. They didn’t talk about the kiss. Not then, not now, not ever.
They can’t get that back. It wasn’t right then and it wasn’t right now.
They settled on some dog movie that wasn’t sad and ate their chips. Tubbo leaned his head on Ranboo’s arm just like before. Like when Ranboo and Tubbo lived together. Like when they were fine.
But they weren’t fine. How could they be?
“I know what you’re thinking about.” Tubbo said and Ranboo gave him an apologetic look.
“I know I promised I wouldn’t but you’re right here and.. I’m- I’m sorry.” Ranboo said and Tubbo frowned.
“I know what you want to say, but don’t.”
“Will you tell me why? Will you at least tell me why I can’t say it?” What are you so afraid of?
“Because I’ll say it back.” Tubbo admitted, softly. Ranboo surely wasn’t expecting that.
“And why is that so bad?” Ranboo asked.
“I’m not.. I’m not ready. And when I was, you weren’t. But before that you were I wasn’t. We’ve both suffered the wait for the other to be ready. And I don’t want to say it back- say those words back and get your hopes up. I don’t want to break your heart like that.” Tubbo took his head off Ranboo. “Don’t make me break your heart.”
But Ranboo knew Tubbo wasn’t a fool. He knew Tubbo was watching him break right in front of him. And Ranboo knew this would be the last time they had this talk. He knew Tubbo knew his heart just snapped. And he knew Tubbo felt bad about it.
They’ve always watched each other leave. It’s the horrible truth of their relationship. Before they never had to, but now it’s only goodbyes and never enough hellos.
This is the last time they would ever consider this. Any of it. Not out loud.
Ranboo’s lips were quivering as his eyes couldn’t keep in one place. His hands were shaking enough for him to clasp them together. Ranboo would never get to tell Tubbo that it’s him and always him. And this was the last time they would be this vulnerable together. Ranboo wouldn’t ask Tubbo why he couldn’t hear the words anymore.
And Ranboo wouldn’t try to say them.
Tubbo broke his heart one last time and it was a good break. One that wouldn’t heal. Not this time. Not again.
Maybe if they had tried harder, or wanted to try again later on, it would happen. But that’s not the case. They were done trying.
Ranboo got up, “You know where the guest room is. Goodnight.” Ranboo said and went down the hall, hearing the tv grow faint as he walked but his own sobs were growing louder.
He shut and locked his door, sliding against it to hold his knees to his chest. Everything had changed now.
Neither of them were allowed to have hope of being something. They always could count on that since March of 2021, but here as March of 2022 wraps up, they let go of the hope.
They let go of each other’s hearts.
They let go of the idea that they were each other’s home, their happiness, their forever.
Ranboo didn’t sleep. Tubbo was gone by sunrise. How it was meant to be.