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Hugging my legs tightly, it was late at night watching my laptop and was crying quietly. This unease of myself I just couldn’t describe my feelings in the moment this numb feeling only furthered itself with my cold body.
I sat the pain in my mind seething itself through my veins I was desperate I wanted it to stop. I knew how to stop it and so I gradually got up my muscles tense and stiff I moved slow and numb to my bag. I slouched myself on the ground, my weak figure hovering over my bag, I slipped my hands into it unzipping a certain pocket and pulling out a Razor. It was one of those one time use ones so there was no point in trying to dismantle it, it wouldn’t make this any easier.
I slumped my body back onto the bed laying back down I hold the razor up to my face my laptop illuminating it. I caressed my thumb over the plastic covering before flicking it off uncovering the blades a smile creeps onto my face as my mind becomes quieter. I sit up desperately. Quickly, I pulled my sweats down just enough to uncover my thighs.
My smile becomes wider as I dive the razor above my thigh pressing down harshly as I slide the blades across my thigh the stinging sensation following my action as my mind becomes silent. I start doing it again the feeling was addictive to say the least. My grin only widened as tears continued to fall from my eyes, my smile was twisted I was clearly not myself. I kept continuing with my mutilation as the silence became deafening. A click cut through the silence in my mind, I rose my head looking at the door as it swung open a voice called out as a foot entered my room.
“You weren’t answering me, are you alright?”
Jschlatt then fully entered my room looking at me, his cheery express falls once assessing the situation. I sat there like a deer in headlights until my mind caught up with what had just taken place. The panic ruptured in my throat as the guilt overwhelmed me. I quickly pulled up my sweats the fabric brushing across the new wounds sending another sting through my veins.
Tears started falling from my face as I stood up in some sort of way to level with the man I’d met eyes with. I just stared at him sorrowfully before my body broke down with my mind I dropped myself to the floor breaking the eye contact staring at the carpet watching my tears soak into the fibers. I started whimpering out an endless slew of mumbled “Sorrys” in my grief he was never supposed to see me like this he didn’t deserve to see this sort of thing. A hand placed on my head pulled me out of my thoughts I looked back up at him, he was crouched down matching my level
“It’s okay, please stop apologizing” he said reassuringly
He got up reaching his hand indicating that I grab it. I place my shaken palm in his as he pulls me up putting me on my feet again he lets go and speaks once again
“Let’s go eat something and we can have a little chat if you like” he spoke calm not a ting of anger in his voice. I nodded and smiled to somehow ease any of his concern.
We both head down the stairs my movement was still slow but quickened with Schlatt’s company. He brought me to the kitchen it felt oddly warm despite the cold wood floors.
“I’m making sandwiches wanna help?” he asked politely I nodded it’s the least I could do for making him witness that.
He gathered some ingredients bread, butter, chicken, cheese and a variety of vegetables he then got two plates, a chopping board, a knife one butter one for slicing the vegetables. He set them on the counter pushing the plates, bread, butter and butter knife towards me. I understood what he wanted me to do so I started buttering the bread the best I could as I heard the chopping sounds. I looked over at Schlatt as he was chopping vegetables I smiled as I continued my job. We both finished our jobs and he assembled the sandwiches and we sat down.
We sat across from each other Schlatt spoke.
"How are you?" he asked before taking a bite of his sandwich
"I'm good" I responded placing a synthetic smile on my face.
He put down his sandwich
"Look its fine if you don't want to tell me anything but I just want to help you."
I looked at him in the eyes he sat patiently waiting for a response. One side of my mind wanted to bottle everything up the thought of him pitying me was the last thing I wanted but I knew I couldn't keep doing this I couldn't sit here and suffer in silence. It was my time to speak, honestly this time.
I huffed my pride starting my conversation.
I spoke spilling out everything while he sat nodding reassuringly asking questions when appropriate. I had kept it together until I brought up the worst part of my trauma.
I started sobbing unable to speak in any sort of collected tone, I hung my head low until I felt a warm embrace. Schlatt was hugging me? It had been a while since I had felt this kind of touch I expected my body to send shivers down my spine, to create a sickly feeling in my lungs until I vomited but it didnt it felt warm a nice cozy feeling, I smiled.
"I know you don't normally like this sort of thing, I'll let go now"
My arms stopped hanging low as they wrapped around his torso. Burring my face in his chest smelling the mild sent of some sort of cinnamon whiskey in his sweater he hummed in a surprised way.
He chuckled "Guess you really needed this then."
I nodded against him. I pulled away my face from his chest looking up at him.
"Thank you" I smiled.
he snickered "What are you thanking me for?"
"This. Its nice" I answered burring my face back into his sweater
"This is just something friends do" he reassured me
"You know I'm really worried about you"
"And I just want you to know I care about you. You'll get better I promise."
We sat in a brief moment of silence as my mind soaked in the meaning of his words.
"What movie do you want to watch?" He said changing the subject
"I don't know. What do you wanna watch, Big guy?" I responded
He stood for a moment pondering "Lets go on Netflix and I'm sure we will find something"
He dragged me up on my feet and we walked to the living room to watch some dumb Netflix show to finish our night.