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I had always known I liked boys. Since before I even arrived at Hogwarts, in fact. I don’t really remember how I figured it out, I always had crushes on boys and that was that. But, as I got older I realized other boys don’t think that about the others. So, I kept it a secret. I pretended to flirt with girls, compliment girls, even kiss girls. I had never told a soul. Well, that’s not completely true. One person knows, Hermione. She worked it out of me in our second year together.
My sexuality had really only become a problem in our fourth year. The boy I had ended up having a crush on was our other best friend. Ron. Hermione knew right away, of course. I denied it for weeks. ‘No way, He’s like a brother.’ I said. Though, it was true. I had a massive crush on my best friend. This didn’t change much, I wouldn’t act differently around him. I thought I was pretty good at lying. Nonetheless, Hermione would persistently tease me about it. ‘There goes your boyfriend, go give him a kiss goodbye!’ She would say to me when he left the room. I just laughed along.
Everything was fine. Until, Veritaserum.
‘Have you heard about the new fad?’ Was what the note that was shoved into my hand read.
‘No..?’ I wrote back.
Hermione rolled her eyes and scribbled on her parchment, ‘The Veritaserum? Truth serum? A ton of sixth years got some and they’re drinking it and asking questions to each other.’
‘That sounds very uninteresting.’
‘No, it’s amazing.’
‘Have you done i-’ Snape walked behind us and I buried my head into my work, crumbling the paper in my hand. I listened as he stopped behind me. I could almost smell his awful breath. After a minute or so he passed and continued down the aisles.
I ripped a small piece of parchment, ‘Have you done it?’
‘No.. but some Gryffindors are doing it in the common room tonight. You should come.’
‘I’ll think about it.’
‘Please :) I’ll invite Ron too!’
‘..maybe.’ I crumpled the paper and put it into my pocket, trying to focus on my work for the rest of the hour.
What would they even talk about on Veritaserum?
I sat on my bed as Ron was in our shared bathroom. I was brushing my hair as I watched him shave in the mirror.
“Come on. It’ll be fun!” He said.
I rolled my eyes. “It sounds boring.”
“What else are you doing? Meeting a secret girlfriend later?”
“I wish.” I said sarcastically. As I put my brush down and stood up, I looked at my pajamas in the mirror. Maybe I should change.
Ron finished up in the bathroom and walked out into our shared quarters, dabbing his chin with a hand towel. “Come down for twenty minutes at least. Just try it.”
I turned to him, seeing what he was wearing for the first time. It was a white tank top and red pajama pants. Not much different from usual, but for some reason I found my eyes drifting to his arms. The freckles, the muscle.
“You good, mate?”
I looked away, “You have shaving cream on your arm.” Which was true.
“Shit.” He wiped it with the cloth. “Whatever, will you come?” He looked at me, practically pleading.
“Fine.” I smiled and put my hands in my pockets. “Come on, let’s go.”
“Yes! I knew you would.” He threw the towel into the bathroom and walked over to me, putting his arm around my shoulders. “We’re gonna have fun!” He tried to cheer me up.
“Twenty minutes max.”
We entered the common room to find only a few people gathered there. Hermione, of course, Seamus, Fred and George, Lavender, Neville, and Oliver.
“Wow, big turn out.” I smiled over at Hermione.
She rolled her eyes, “Whatever. Fred, do you have the uhm..” She waved her hand.
“Of course.” He pulled two vials out of his pocket and opened them. “George, you first.” He passed one to him.
“Only take a sip.” George said to the group, then taking a small swig from the glass. He passed it to Seamus next to him. Fred took a sip of the other and then passed it in the other direction.
I was the last one the vial got to. I stared down at the gold liquid.
“Go on then.” Fred egged me on.
“We can’t wait all night.” George added.
I sighed and drank the last that was in the glass. “All right, let’s get started.” I threw the vial into the middle of the circle.
Seamus reached behind his back, “I came prepared.” He pulled out a hat that had bits of paper sticking out.
“What’s that?” Hermione asked.
“Questions! Oliver, would you do the honors.” He held it up to Oliver, he took a paper and unfurled it.
He cleared his throat, “Who was your first kiss?”
Fred and George rolled their eyes, “Rubbish.” George said.
“Go on then, you answer first.” Hermione smirked, George flushed pink.
“I..” He hesitated, “I haven’t had one.” The others giggled. “It’s not funny!”
Hermione laughed the hardest, “It's funny, because me too!” George paused, and then laughed along.
“I snogged a random boy from Hufflepuff my first year, I didn’t know his name.” Lavender added. More laughter erupted.
Maybe this would be fun.
After two hours had passed everyone had either passed out on the couches or went to their rooms, however, me, Ron, and Hermione were still playing quietly.
“Ok, ok. If you could be an animal, what would you be?” Hermione asked in a whisper.
Ron scoffed, “That’s a shit question.”
“I can't think of anything else!”
“I’d be a deer.” I cut in.
“Makes sense.” Ron said with an approving nod, I smiled.
Hermione looked at me with curiosity, “A deer or a buck?”
“A deer. No horns.”
“So a doe?”
“Sure.”
The two giggled quietly at me, “What’s so funny?”
“It just makes sense!” Hermione laughed out.
“Fine, what would you be?”
“A lion.” Ron said.
“An otter!” Hermione added.
I paused, and then laughed harder than the others. “That makes bloody sense!”
We all giggled until our stomachs hurt. Maybe we’re staying up too late.
Hermione sighed and looked down at her watch, “I should go to bed, we have classes tomorrow.” Me and Ron nodded and rolled onto our backs, leaning on a long pillow. “Goodnight boys.”
We waved as she walked her way up to the girl dormitories.
“What has been your favorite part of hogwarts?” I asked, trying to keep the game going with just Ron. I didn’t want to stop talking to him.
“Hmm.” He yawned and put his arms behind his head. “Probably our friendship, you know, me, you, and Hermione. You guys are great.”
I flushed red, luckily only the fire lit the room. Why did that make me so happy?
“I agree, our friendship is perfect.”
I like Veritaserum. It makes us nice to each other. We’re not worried about sharing too many feelings, we’re just being open. I like this. I love this moment with Ron. It’s one of our better ones in my opinion.
“Oo, I have a good one.” Ron clapped his hands together and smiled. “Who was your first crush at Hogwarts?” I froze, I knew it was over for me.
“Oh come on, that’s so lame.” DENY. DENY. DENY.
“What? Are you hiding something?” Ron giggled as I started to sweat bullets.
What no? Of course not, “Yes.” Fuck.
Merlin, I hate Veritaserum.
“Woah. What?” He didn’t turn towards me, he just put his hands out in front of him. “You have secrets?”
I sighed, “Yes, Ron.” I can’t tell him.
“A first crush isn’t that bad.” He tried to reason, “It was years ago.” I couldn’t tell him.
“Let’s just move on.” I won’t tell him.
“I want to know, please.” He clasped his hands together like he was praying. I have to tell him.
“Fine, you really want to know?” He nodded vigorously, shaking the pillow under us. I let out a large sigh.
“It.. was.. Malfoy.” I bit the inside of my cheek.
Ron was silent for a moment. My heart pounded.
“Harry, Malfoy’s a boy.” He laughed, almost out of disbelief. I felt anxiety tug at my chest.
My mouth felt dry, “Yes. He is.”
Ron didn’t speak a word for a long time. It was deafening. Lord, don’t make this more awkward then it has to be.
“So.. you also like boys?” He asked, genuinely curious.
Fuck, he made it worse. But, what did I expect? “Ron, I only like boys.”
“Oh.” Oh? Oh what? ‘Oh, you’re a raging homosexual?’ Say something! Anything! “Ok. Do you still like Malfoy? Because you could do much better than that brat.”
Thank merlin. He was ok with it. That’s all I need. My anxiety lifted and I let out a relieved sigh.
“No.” I laughed. “God no, it was just a phase.” He chuckled back at me.
“Good. You deserve more than that twat.”
It was a comfortable silence that followed that.
After a while, I realized that he never answered the question. I was curious.
“Who did you have a crush on first?”
“Oh no.” He ran his hands down his face. “You can not make fun of me.”
I nodded, “Of course.”
“.. Hermione.”
I accidentally let out a loud laugh.
“What?”
“Nothing! You two would make a great pair!” I giggled.
He rolled his eyes, “I don’t like her anymore.”
“Yeah sure.”
I assumed he still had a thing for her. Of course he would. They genuinely would make an amazing pair, even if I would be slightly jealous. They make sense. I would support them wholly.
“Alright then, who do you have a crush on?” He turned to me.
No.
“Shut up.” I rolled my eyes.
Why would he ask that?
“Come on! No judgment!”
Please, no.
“Ron, I can’t.”
He’ll drop it, right?
“We’re not leaving until you tell me.”
He’s not going to drop it.
“This is an invasion of privacy!” I joked, nervously.
“I do not care.” He teased me.
Maybe I could tell the truth? Bits of the truth.
“He’s a man. He has hair. He’s in Gryffindor.”
Ron huffed. “I am going to name every boy in Gryffindor until you tell me.”
“No you are not-”
“Oliver?”
“No.” Why can’t I stop myself from answering.
“Seamus?”
“No.” Shit.
“Either of my brothers?”
“Ew no.”
This went on for a while.
After at least half an hour he had successfully named almost every boy in our house. Except for himself. He won’t notice that. I think.
“I have named literally everyone!”
“Well, you’re never going to figure it out.” I smiled out of relief, I thought it was over.
“I’m not joking, I’ve named everyone but myself!” He waved his hands around before tossing them to his sides.
“Yes you did. Can we go to bed now?”
He sighed, “Fine.”
We stood and left the twins sleeping peacefully on the chairs near the fire. We slowly made our way up as we both reflected on the night. I had actually had a good time.
Before we reached the top of the stairs to our room Ron stopped.
“We’re almost there, did you forget someth-”
“Harry, do you like me?”
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. He had figured it out. I started to panic, trying to think of a way to tell the truth, but only the bits. I couldn’t. My fingers went numb as fear took over my body. What do I do?
“Yes.” I said. No lying now.
Ron’s face softened as he leaned against one of the walls, “Woah.” He brought his hand to his forehead,
“I’m sorry.” I felt tears well up in my throat, but I refused to let them out.
This is bad. I didn’t want this. He shouldn’t have known.
“What? No, don't be.” He shook his head and looked over at me. I started to back up from him.
“It’s just a crush! We can forget this ever happened.” I opened the door to our room.
He nodded and stood back up. “Yeah, yeah.” He walked in and followed me. “We can just.. forget about it?”
I nodded, maybe a bit too enthusiastically. “It’ll be fine. I can get over it.” I believed that. If I forced myself enough I could just forget about the crush and we could continue in our perfectly platonic friendship.
“Ok.” He stared at the ground, seemingly thinking very hard about something. “I..” He started. Suddenly, he shook his head as he walked into the bathroom to get ready for bed, he always went first since I stayed up later than him.
I wish I knew what was happening in his brain.
We silently got ready for bed.
This is weird.
Why did I say that? It’s fine. Right? In the morning it will be as if it never happened.
“No.” Ron spit out his tooth paste.
It will not be fine.
“I don’t want that.”
I stood quickly, my breathing heavy. Did he have feelings for me? No, he didn’t.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to forget about it.” I felt my face get red all the way to the tips of my ears.
I shook my head, “What do you want instead?” Maybe he was going to tease me, or tell people.
He looked down and stepped out of the bathroom.
“I want to date you.”
I was taken aback. My head felt light.
“You.. do?”
He laughed nervously. “Yes, I can’t lie, remember?” I smiled.
I started to walk over to him. This is real.
He stood in his place as I approached. I tried to think of something to say or do, anything. “But.. Do you even like.. boys?”
He thought for a moment, my muscles tensed.
I watched as he tried to find the right things to say, his face was unreadable, “Yeah, I do.”
I was talking before I even knew what I was saying, “Are you sure? You don’t have to say-” I couldn't finish my sentence as Ron had closed the gap between us and kissed me. He tasted like mint.
He wasn’t a great kisser at first. There were some times I had to push him back as I felt like he was putting his full force into it, but after a few moments it was much better. I kissed back, of course. We stepped back into a bed frame where we were able to maneuver ourselves to sitting on my bed. I put my hand on his face as his were on my waist and the back of my neck. We finally stopped as I pulled back for air.
“I’m sure.” He said, I laughed at him.
He looked at me, waiting for my response. “I think you proved that.”
“You know what I think?” He asked me with a smile on his face.
I looked back at him, “What do you think?”
“I think I really like truth serum.”