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He’s been having them more often lately, these moments when his heart feels like it stops in his chest and the only thing he can hear is the sound of his own ragged breaths. Even when he manages to calm himself, that tight feeling doesn’t go away until hours later. This one, however, has been going on much too long.
It started earlier, when he thought he saw Sarah out in the crowd. For a moment, his foolish heart had leapt at the thought of his baby girl, alive and safe after all these years. But then she’d turned, and it clearly wasn’t her, and his heart had shattered once again.
How many times could a heart break before it became permanent? Before it simply refused to mend itself anymore? He’s surprised his hasn’t given up on him, hasn’t left him to die in his sleep yet. It might be a relief, especially on days like these. But he has to keep Ellie safe.
“Are you dying?” she’d asked him outside the cabin. No. Sure as hell felt like it, though.
And it feels like it now, with the way he is desperately trying to find some relief from the body that betrays him, from the mind that betrays him. After the Sarah incident, that tight feeling stuck around as usual, but now it’s come to this, on this day that is hard as it is.
Him, weak, lying in bed.
Him, weak, staring up at the ceiling, into the black nothingness of night.
Him, weak, gasping for air.
Him, weak, panicking over nothing, everything, and unable to do anything about it.
What feels like hours but is probably only minutes later, he is finally able to draw in a breath that actually feels normal. And with that comes a wave of exhaustion so strong he can’t even finish the thought before he’s out cold.
Happy fucking birthday to him.
⸻
Despite yelling for Joel multiple times, he never comes down for breakfast. Ellie does, and she, Tommy, and Maria eat scrambled eggs in a tense silence. Before she leaves the table, Maria suggests she go and participate in some of the children’s activities outside. Ellie declines and disappears back to her room.
Tommy can’t help but relax the moment she’s gone. She unnerves him, the way she looks at everyone but Joel with an expression that says she’s ready to fight.
Once he and Maria are done washing the dishes, he takes a fresh plate up to Joel’s room and knocks. When only silence greets him, he sighs and sets the plate down in front of the door.
At lunch, the plate is still sitting there untouched. Tommy knocks once more and replaces it with a glass of water.
By dinner the glass is gone, which means he’s at least still alive.
“Joel?” Tommy tries, another plate in his hand. That one gets left in front of the door, too.
Ellie comes out of her room then, and shoots him a look that makes him feel defensive.
“You’re better off leaving him alone,” she says, as if he isn’t Joel’s brother, as if the one who’s known Joel for all of a few months would know better than Tommy, his own flesh and blood.
“Joel.” He knocks again.
Ellie raises her eyebrows in a silent I told you so and walks down the stairs.
Tommy sighs and sets down the plate before joining her and Maria at the table.
⸻
Joel thinks he can just waltz back into Tommy’s life, and take up their resources, and then do this? Maria doesn’t think so. Not on her watch, and not in her house. Her kindness and patience have limits.
She walks upstairs with a glass of water in hand and bangs on Joel’s door. “How long are you going to stay in there? We all need to earn our keep around here, you know.”
His stubborn silence only incenses her further. “You said you came here for Tommy. Well, all you’ve done since you got here is yell at him. He has bigger things to worry about than managing your tantrums.”
Nothing. Not even a shift of blankets. She sets the cup down outside the door like usual with a thump.
“Selfish asshole,” she mutters under her breath as she turns to head back downstairs. She doesn’t miss the disapproving glare Ellie gives her as she comes out of the bathroom.
⸻
It’s on the third day when Ellie finally gets what she needs, snatched off the counter in the bathroom. A bobby pin.
She unfolds it a bit, careful not to bend it too far and snap it, and settles in front of Joel’s door. The locks are old-fashioned, those ones that fit keys like they’re drawn in cartoons, and it gives her plenty of room to work. She sticks the pin in, along with the nail she managed to work out of one of the floorboards, and fidgets away, trying to hook either tool into the lock mechanism to get it to turn.
It takes longer than she likes, and she’s sure Joel is wondering what the fuck is going on, but eventually she hears a thunk as the mechanism slides out of place. One whispered victory yes! and a turn of a doorknob later, she’s in Joel’s room.
It’s brightly lit, with sun streaming in through the window. It would be almost cheerful, if not for the oppressive grayness radiating off the curled up lump in the bed. A glass half-drunk sits on the nightstand next to two empty ones. At least he’s staying hydrated.
She makes her way over and perches on the edge of the bed, leaning over just far enough that she can see Joel’s face. He’s awake, his eyes open, and breathing normally. A part of her relaxes to see him in the flesh, safe.
His eyes never stray from their fixed spot, somewhere on the wall, but she doesn’t miss how he angles his body just ever so slightly towards her. He knows she’s there, and isn’t rejecting her company.
Ellie wants to say something. She heard Tommy and Maria whispering the other night. She knows it was Joel’s birthday, knows he lost someone important to him that day too. It made sense to her then, and seeing the blankness of his eyes she understands it now too. Loss never leaves, and when it decides to rear its ugly head it can take even the strongest down into the depths.
But she also knows that no consolation eases that loss. No consolation can bring it all back. So she opts for the silent choice, and does what she wishes had been done for her when she was at her lowest.
She leans forward and wraps her arms around Joel, a hug that says I understand. A hug that says I’m here. A hug that says, most of all, from their antagonistic hatred of each other, to a reluctant understanding, to genuine affection, I love you.
It doesn’t magically fix everything, and Ellie doesn’t expect it to, but the oppressive silence turns calm, the harsh sunlight turns warm. It is not a cure, but it is comfort offered freely. It is a promise that, while he might have once been, Joel is not alone in this world, not alone in bearing his pain. When she needs him, Ellie knows Joel will be there. She hopes he knows that she’s there for him too.
⸻
Tommy pauses besides the door, noticing it’s ajar. He peers through the crack, curious as to when it was opened. What greets him surprises him, the sight of Ellie hugging Joel.
He watches silently, watches as the rise and fall of their breathing is their only movement, before turning away and returning downstairs, feeling like an intruder. Perhaps Ellie does know Joel better.
Tommy considers that maybe Joel has changed. Maybe, like how Tommy found Maria, Joel has found someone he can count on. Maybe, though the loss of Sarah will never leave him, Joel has found a way to let another daughter into his life.
Tommy considers that maybe the brother he has been angry at is not so deserving of it anymore.