Archive of Our Own

Linda didn’t know how she got roped into attending a city council meeting that had nothing to do with her. Okay, maybe it had something to do with her. Her ‘heated debate’ with Mike the mailman flashed in her mind. She always threw her hands around when she was mad, Mike had just been too close. Not her fault. If she had known that she and her family would be forced to attend a city council about ‘appreciating your mailman’ she wouldn’t have even started the rant about the coupons Mike handed her.
What made it worse was that Cynthia was there. Cynthia and her push over city councilman husband Tom. Cynthia was entitled since birth and got everything she wanted by bullying those around her. Linda couldn’t stand her for it. She looked over at the woman who couldn’t seem to keep her mouth shut. Seriously, why didn’t she just run for city council herself?

“Cynthia,” Linda grumbled quietly after the blonde woman made another unnecessary comment.

“Lin,” Bob whispered next to her in a warning tone. He kept glancing at her nervously, like he expected her to make a scene. Well, another scene.

“What Bobby?” she snapped back.

Bob sighed. “We’ve already caused enough trouble this week. Well, you did. That's why we’re here. Remember?” He looked at her with raised eyebrows.

Linda rolled her eyes and grumbled in response. She had every right to be upset. She didn’t feel like she deserved the punishment she was enduring.

In her irritation she barely noticed her children, who were playing some new game they invented. The game actually wasn’t much of a game, it really just involved Louise dropping several straws from the restaurant on the ground while Gene and Tina collected them quickly. Louise also narrated the event like a horse race. If they were disturbing the peace, Linda couldn’t care less.

What Linda did notice was Cynthia looking back to her family with an annoyed expression. Linda narrowed her eyes, daring her to say anything.

“Maybe you should control your loud children, Linda,” Cynthia’s grating voice sneered. The blonde smirked at her, giving Linda the feeling that she was playing some kind of game.

“Why don’t you mind your own business, Cyn-thi-a!” Linda snapped. She couldn’t help herself, the woman just knew how to press her buttons. She heard Louise throw in a helpful “OOOHH!” Bob tried to make eye contact with his wife while shaking his head, silently pleading for her to stop.

Cynthia scoffed. “I’m just saying, you and your dirty family could be a little more considerate and respectful of the superior people around you,” she punctuated herself with another scoff and an eyeroll.

Linda gasped, and decided rather impulsively to give that woman a piece of her mind. She stood up so fast that she heard her knees make a popping sound, and she stomped up to her scowling enemy.

“Don’t you call my family dirty, Miss Priss! We are not dirty!”

“Wellll..”

“Gene.”

“I wouldn’t have to call your family dirty if you would just participate in basic hygiene,” Cynthia retorted, getting closer to the fuming mother.

“Oh you!”

“Ladies…” a councilman tried to intervene. Everyone in the room had started to watch the drama unfold.

“Lin…” Bob looked around at all the people staring at them. His voice was uneasy, but Linda was far too gone.

“Get out of my face! Oh, my face!” A hand very lightly shoved Linda away.

“You get out of my face!” Cynthia said back. Linda returned the shove to Cynthia’s shoulder, angering the woman even more. Cynthia shoved Linda again, this time with both hands. Things escalated with more shoves and Linda’s hair somehow ended up in Cynthia’s hand.

Cheers from Louise, protests from Bob, and anxious groans from Tina all went unheard by Linda. She kept her fight up until her hand caught something. The sound of beads hitting the ground stopped the women.

“My-my pearls!” Cynthia screeched. She sank to her knees to pick up her broken necklace. Linda looked down at her while guilt crept in. She bent down, ready to help.

“Oh no, I’m so sor-” the stinging on her cheek stopped her. She stared at her assaulter with wide eyes. Everyone in the room fell silent. Linda thought she heard Louise shout something about warfare, but the rage filling her seemed to impair her hearing. Linda glowered at Cynthia.

“Oh god,” Bob said.

Linda didn't hesitate a second longer before attacking Cynthia. She went in harder than before, throwing some actual punches. She didn't realize how out of breath she was until her husband was pulling her away from the fight, while Mike struggled getting the other woman away. The city council members stared in shock at the scene, save for Tom, who looked mortified and a little scared. Bob held Linda back as she continued to try to fight. They only stopped when they heard someone clearing their throat from the front of the room.

Councilwoman Heather stood from her chair with a stern face. “This behavior is unacceptable!” she started. Councilman Franklin mumbled in agreement. Tom looked like a flight risk at this point. Linda felt about as remorseful as Cynthia looked. Bob just cringed at the situation.

“Sorry, our families have a history of fighting…and being maybe unreasonable? To each other,” Bob tried to explain. Linda could hear the embarrassment in his voice, but she couldn’t make herself feel any shame.

“Mom, I have never been more proud of you!” Louise shouted in delight.

“Louise, please,” Bob scolded.

“I didn't know you had it in you, Mom.” “Yeah, good job, Mom,” Gene and Tina praised.

“Kids, stop,” Bob sighed.

The two city council members Heather and Franklin looked at each other with judgmental expressions. They began to whisper while Tom glared at his wife and the Belcher family. Bob and Linda were too busy arguing in loud whispers to notice anything else going on around them, and Cynthia just glared back at her husband with arms crossed.

“Linda, that was bad, worse than what happened with Mike! What were you thinking?” Bob asked.

“Bobby, she started it! She put her hands on me! In front of my family!” Linda defended herself.

The two council members finished their quiet conversation and addressed the room with an authoritative nod. Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing to listen.

“You two cannot be creating this animosity in our town. Physical violence of any kind is already too far, but to fight during a city council meeting, that is entirely inappropriate,” Heather began. She looked to her co-councilman and motioned for him to continue.

“This council has decided to put an end to this ridiculousness, here and now. You ladies need to understand each other. Walk a mile in each other's shoes. Cynthia, you will spend a day in Linda's life, and Linda, you will spend a day in Cynthia's life,” Franklin finished, seemingly proud of himself.

“WHAT!?” Linda yelled.

“WHAT!?” Cynthia dropped her broken necklace and Tom seemed to be broken from his trance.

“WHAT!?” Gene, Tina, and Louise all yelled.

“Uh…Can you do that?” Bob questioned.

__________________________________________________________________

The next morning came, and Linda was ready to go to the Bush house. Well, she was physically ready to go, not so much mentally. The night after the city council meeting was filled with serious conversation and occasional shouting in the Belcher household.
Bob had tried to argue that the city council couldn't force the women to life swap for a day. They ended up with two options. Fines for harassment, or the ‘life swap situation’. Given the Belchers current financial status, the choice was unfortunate, but obvious.

Linda stood in the restaurant and held the strap of her purse, tears dramatically stinging her eyes.

“Come here and give mommy kisses,” she pulled her kids into a group hug and started pecking kisses on their heads. Gene and Tina hugged her back while Louise struggled to get away.

“We’re really gonna miss you around here, Lin,” Teddy blubbered out between sniffles. Linda gave him a tight lipped smile.

“He said it! Don’t go, Mommy!” Gene hugged his mother tighter. She hugged him back not wanting to let go of her baby.

“Oh my god, guys calm down. She's not going to be gone for that long, She’ll be back right after we close the restaurant.” Bob said while wiping off a table

“No singing to customers with mom? NO!”

“Gene.”

“That's IF she comes back!” Louise threw her arms up. “Mom is going straight into the lion's den! With Logan, the antichrist! She might not survive it; we should be saying our goodbyes. Maybe she should bring a knife?” she asked thoughtfully.

“Louise, no.”

“Oh, I’m just going to miss my babies and my Bobby so much!” she cried again. She was overwhelmed with nerves.

“It’s just one day, Lin,” Bob commented while flipping a burger.

“Yeah, but it’s one day at the Bush house.” The whole family shuddered.

She was eventually sent off with more hugs and begging to stay from Gene, and some warnings about ‘that evil boy’ from Louise. She shouted to remind her kids to stay out of her room, and with that she was off.

Linda double and triple checked the address. She even went over the directions that Louise gave her in her head, trying not to question how her daughter got that information. She decided she’d worry about it later. She found herself staring up at a giant beautiful house in the middle of a nice neighborhood. It was the kind of house Linda always imagined living and raising a family in. She crossed her arms, jealousy seeping in.

“Of course they live here.” She stood on the sidewalk in front of the nice house. She tried to convince herself that this was necessary, but she really just wanted to go back home. After minutes of internal fighting, her legs began to move.

She slowly made her way to the door, giving herself a pep talk. “Come on Linda, you’ve got this. How hard can this be?” She hesitated at the door, taking deep breaths. She had a feeling she would need to remind herself to remain calm many times throughout the day. She heard her husband's voice in her head warning her to not make any more problems. Before she could psych herself up to knock, the door swung open.

“You can keep your ungrateful butts on that expensive couch and not say bye to me, I DO NOT CARE!” Cynthia shouted towards the door as she slammed it shut. She sniffled once before turning around.

“Oh! Linda! You snuck up on me,” Cynthia clutched her purse tightly against her side. Linda took note of her red teary eyes.

“Oh, huh, sorry about that,” Linda felt awkward. She certainly had never been in a situation similar to the one she was in now, should she comfort the woman who antagonizes her? Before she could make a decision, Cynthia sniffled again, but quickly schooled her face into an uninterested expression.

“I, uh, see you got your- uh- pearls fixed.” Linda tried to make casual conversation.

“Let's just get this day over with, okay?” Cynthia ignored what Linda said.

“Okay, okay…” Linda at least agreed with that.
Cynthia hurried past her, barely brushing her shoulder. Linda watched until Cynthia pulled out of the driveway, still not ready to knock on the door. She took a deep breath. She knocked and waited. And waited. A few minutes passed with no answer. She knocked again and immediately the door flung open.

“What?” an annoyed teenage boy that Linda recognized to be Logan answered the door. Linda eyed him for a second.

“Uh, hi there, I’m supposed to be here to-”

“Oh, Hello Linda, come in,” Tom met her at the entrance, “I’m sorry about this whole mess, I know Cynthia can be, well, she can be pretty dramatic,” Tom sighed. Linda nodded, feeling her fair share of shame now.

“Mmhmm, well I’m sorry too. I di-”

“You’re Four-ears’ mom! I remember you from that lame mother daughter fart-inar.” Logan interrupted, pointing at her.

“Four-ears? Who’s Four-ea-OH! You mean Louise! Yes, I’m her mom. Ha! Four-ears, that is clever,” Linda let out another bark of laughter. “You can call me Linda! Or should you call me Ms. Belcher? Oh no, that makes me sound so old, just call me Linda, I guess.” The teen looked at her warily. She chalked it up to a teen being a teen, but couldn’t help but wonder in the back of her mind if Cynthia told him to act a certain way around her. She wouldn’t put it past the woman.

“Well, welcome to our home, Linda. You have time to relax and eat breakfast before we have to be at the club.” Tom walked out the kitchen with a poptart and handed it to Linda.

“The club?!” She took the poptart and raised an eyebrow at the overly sugary food.

“Yes, the country club. Cynthia had a tea planned for today to talk about this season's charity events. But I guess that's on you now?” He shrugged and walked back into the kitchen.

“Oh…”

Back at the restaurant Bob and the kids just worked a slow morning. They had only served Teddy so far. Bob felt a small amount of relief. He’d worried himself about Cynthia's lack of restaurant experience, and her less than stellar people skills all night after learning that she’d have to work at the restaurant. He heard the door being messed with, but no bell signaling someone's entrance. He looked to the door to see Cynthia try the handle again and fail.

“Oh god, Cynthia is here,” Bob complained. “Uh, why is the door locked? Louise?” They saw her cross her arms and roll her eyes from where they were inside.

“Fine, fine! I’ll unlock it, but whatever happens from here on out is YOUR fault, Father!” Louise unlocked the door, and Cynthia stormed in. Bob winced, expecting the worst.

“Let's just get this over with, which one of these is the cleanest stool to sit on in here?” she asked as she pulled sanitizing wipes out of her purse.

“Oh my god,” Bob grumbled in disbelief. “Don’t you have to, like, do what Linda does? As in, you know, work?” he asked, irritated. He watched her scoff, her signature move. He mentally prepared himself for whatever insults she’d say to him.

“This is ridiculous. Just because you couldn’t afford to pay some silly little fines means that I have to work in this slop shop? This is completely unfair!” She put her hands on her hips.

“It’s only for one day, Cynthia. Linda is going to do your work, whatever that is. Oh, and this place isn’t a slop shop.”

“Well…”

“Gene.”

“You know, this place really grows on you,” Teddy chimed in helpfully. “Family friendly atmosphere, great conversation, great food, fun burgers of the day, Bobby really has something special here,” he beamed.

“Thanks, Teddy,” Bob said appreciatively.

“Yeah, this place is like a second home to me. Like this one time…”

“Welcome to the restaurant biz, Cynthia,” Louise smirked and handed her an apron while Teddy's voice droned on in the background. Cynthia’s face dropped.
__________________________________________________________________

Linda stood at the entrance of the country club; excitement overwhelmed her. She felt so giddy that she jumped up and down. Her! At the country club! She was ready to feel as fancy as she had always pictured it.

“Ooh, this is going to be so fun!” she exclaimed, feeling downright giddy. Tom and Logan exchanged an unreadable look. Linda didn’t notice this exchange as another thought popped into her head. She walked a little closer to Tom and leaned closer to him.

“Hey,” she loudly whispered to him, “Why is Logan coming too? He’s a teen boy, shouldn’t he be, I don’t know, riding his skateboard with his friends and bullying small children? Is that what teen boys do? I only have a teen girl.”

Tom sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Linda guessed that it was because the topic of discussion wasn’t new to him. “Cynthia lives for appearance. If we all go together, she says it makes us seem like a nice, close, and loving family. She gets Logan to behave with bribes or threats.”
Linda frowned and looked over at Logan who was too distracted by his phone to know what the adults were talking about. She felt a little bad. What kind of Saturday was that for a teen? Did it happen every Saturday?

“That makes sense…” she unenthusiastically agreed.

Tom checked his watch and turned to Logan. “Okay Logan, I don’t think we can stall any longer, It’s time to go inside. You know the rule, put the phone away.” He tried to sound authoritative, but it fell flat.

Logan scoffed, reminding Linda of his mother. “That’s Mom’s rule, and she isn’t even here. Linda is Mom today, so she's in charge. Let’s ask her.” Both Tom and Logan looked at her expectantly.

She hesitated and looked from the hopeful boy to the annoyed father. “Well teens love phones…or so I’ve heard. But-” Logan's face fell and Linda felt guilt. She wondered when the last time he got a Saturday to hang out and just be a teen was. She wondered what it was like to have Cynthia as a mom. She cringed at the thought. She decided Cynthia’s wrath be damned. “But they also love having fun, so he shouldn't be here at all?” Logan's head shot up, his face looked surprised and pleading at the same time. Linda felt assured in her decision.

“Logan, go hang out with your friends, have fun. The country club is no place for a teenager, especially on a Saturday. Be nice though, okay?” She watched all the snarkiness melt out of the teenager in a second. He jumped and started running in the other direction while calling out “THANK YOU LINDA!!” behind him.

After watching the boy turn the corner at what had to be record speed, Linda turned back to Tom. She expected him to be annoyed with her, or for him to lecture her with some stern protests. She was instead met with his confused face staring at the corner his son just disappeared behind.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard him thank anyone non-sarcastically.”

Linda was a little shocked at the words, yet she couldn’t help but to feel a little proud of herself. As much as she didn’t understand teens nowadays, she seemed to have a gift with them. That's what she told herself at least. Feeling good about herself and her decisions, she walked into the club with Tom following her and no brooding teen.

The restaurant was chaotic. They were having an unusually busy lunch rush, something about Jimmy Pestos being closed for the day. Just his luck, Bob thought. Without Linda, they were drowning. Even with the kids putting more effort in than usual, Cynthia was just dragging them down. She didn’t seem to care to even try to do the job right.

“What do you want?” Cynthia asked a couple of girls at a booth.

“Can I have a burger of the day with a side of fries, please? And my girlfriend would like a cheeseburger with no pic- hey shouldn’t you be writing this down, or at least be paying attention?” The girl asked.

Cynthia looked up from her nails. “Oh, you’re still here? I thought you’d realize where you were and leave by now.”

“Oh my god,” Bob said from the kitchen window. He was more frustrated than he’d been in a while. “She is being rude to the customers and most of the orders she sends back are wrong and we have to remake them,” he complained to Tina, who was brought back to the kitchen to help him.

“She’s never had to do real work in her life. Maybe she just doesn’t know what she’s doing?” Tina offered. Bob considered it for just a second.

“I think she’s doing it on purpose, out of spite. These people will never come back here,” he worried himself. “She isn’t usually here, and she’ll never be back again!” he called out to the dining area. He heard Cynthia give an amused ‘Hm.’

“I wish there was another job for her to do so she would have to get away from the customers,” Tina said, offhand. Bob had a thought. The thought grew into an idea.

“Tina! That’s it! You’re a genius!”

“What’s it? I am? I mean, uh, thanks Dad. It’s nice to feel appreciate-”

“LOUISE! COME BACK TO THE KITCHEN!”

“Oh, uh, okay. Like I was trying to say-” the door swung open.

“Dad, things are getting bad out there. Cynthia really sucks at this working thing, and that’s coming from me.” Bob nodded at his youngest daughter.

“I know, Louise. That’s why I called you in here. I have a plan!”

“Oh boy.”

“No, it’s a good plan, Tina helped me come up with it,” he sounded so sure of himself.

“Yeah, I think I gave Dad his idea. I can’t be sure though, he keeps ignoring me,” Tina said with irritation in her usually monotone voice.

“He must be desperate then!”

“Sorry, Tina. Louise, I need your help. You are going to take Cynthia to the basement, and you’ll have her count each individual bun, like we do every week.” He looked at his daughters with a grin. They had blank looks.

“But Dad, we don’t count each individual bun every week?” Tina pointed out, confused.

“Exactly, Tina!” He declared triumphantly. “That’s why I need you, Louise. You’re the best liar of the three of you. You’ll explain to her how to waste her time and get her out of the way. And you can make sure she doesn’t damage anything. It’s perfect! Ha!” He flipped a burger with flair, proud of his idea.

“I get permission to lie? And no punishment? YES!” Louise pumped her fists. Bob cringed.

“Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be teaching you that lying is bad and deceiving is wrong. Uh, you have to clean up after her, and clean the bathrooms today.” Bob avoided looking at her, instead watching the grill.

“What?! Come on, I’ll already have to spend more with the she beast than anyone else. That should be enough punishment!”

“Louise, please.”

“Fine, we’ll iron out the details later. I’ve got this!” She left the kitchen to get Cynthia downstairs.

“That’s a really good idea, Dad.”

“Thanks Tina.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Yes, thank you Tina. Now I need you to go serve tables.”

“Okay.”

__________________________________________________________________

Linda felt so out of place. She knew Cynthia was the leader of this group, but she didn’t realize how much organizing she had to do. Schedules, orders for food and decorations, pricing, and so much else. She was in over her head. She sat in her chair, sipping hot tea, nibbling on a scone, and trying not to feel like she didn’t belong.

“So, uh, this isn’t a social hang out where we gossip and eat fancy crackers?” She asked the ladies with her.

“No, Linda. This is an important meeting about planning our club's charity events. Ugh, why are we even doing this today? We can’t do this without Cynthia's micromanaging,” a loud woman retorted while rolling her eyes. Linda felt a spark of inspiration.

“Hey, my husband owns a restaurant! I know about management. I can help!” She said enthusiastically.

“Oh Linda, that’s not the same thing,” a mousy woman said.

“Yeah, a lot goes into planning these things. We are trying to get people to not only attend, but to also donate to a cause that usually has nothing to do with them, all while upholding the reputation of the club. It’s not as easy as we make it look,” the third woman, seemingly Cynthia's second in command, explained. Linda’s face fell.

“Oh, okay. I just wanted to help…” The women were already talking over her.
After a couple of hours of planning, and not much actually done, the club ladies decided to take a smoke break. Linda didn’t smoke, so she chose to stay behind. She sat in silence looking at the room for the first few minutes. She quickly became bored and she decided to call her husband.

“Hello? Bobby? I miss you and the kids. This day freakin sucks. How is it going there?”

“I miss you too, Lin. It’s going bad, Cynthia is terrible. She’s a terrible employee, and she’s so mean. How does her family deal with her every day?” She heard the strain in his voice, she knew he must have been having as hard of a time with this as she was. Poor Bobby.

“I don’t know, there’s a lot of tension when they talk about her.”

“I can see why.” Linda thought back to that morning when she arrived at the house. She recalled how Cynthia yelled at her family. She recalled her earlier conversation with Tom before she let Logan go.

“Yeah, it’s kind of weird. They seem so perfect, lots of money, the club, big fancy house…”

“They have a big fancy house?”

“Yeah, it’s nicely decorated too.”

“Hm, of course.”

“Right, but they seem, I don’t know, dysfunctional.”

“More dysfunctional than our family?”

“Yeah, way more.”

“Woah, that is kind of sad.”

“Yeah, it is. And they named their kid Logan Barry Bush, that's the worst part! Ha! Hm, these hoity toity country club ladies have been gone for a while,” Linda looked around the empty room. “I wonder what’s taking them so long. Maybe I should go look for them?” She wondered out loud. Without waiting for a response from Bob, she walked to the back door that the ladies had exited. She cracked the door open and saw the women still smoking. Before she could open the door the rest of the way, their conversation stopped her.

“God, that Linda is just as bad as Cynthia said she was, if not worse,” Loudmouth said. Linda gasped quietly. She couldn’t believe her ears.

“Did you hear that, Bobby?” she whispered into her phone. He affirmed from the other side.

“I know right? We’re wasting a whole day of work. Every time she opens her mouth a slew of uneducated-poor-people-nonsense comes out!” Second in command said. All the ladies laughed at that.

“Ouch,” she heard Bob say from her phone. Tears stung Linda’s eyes. She just couldn't believe people could be so mean. Feeling dejected, she decided she couldn’t listen to this anymore. She shut the door quietly and returned to her chair.

“Fine, I’ll just stop talking and get this stupid day over with,” she grumbled.

“I’m sorry, Lin. You’re the smartest person I know,” he was sympathetic to his wife.

“Thank you, Bobby, you’re the best,” she heard voices coming in through the back door. “I’ve gotta go, they’re coming. Love you, Bobby!” She quickly hung up the phone. She readied herself.

Unknown to all the adults, Logan and his friends were at the adjacent wall listening to the same conversation. They had stopped on their way to the skate park to pee on the building, because, well, teenage boys are gross. Logan, having just heard the insults, was seething.

“Woah, that was harsh. Are they talking about that lady who’s being, like, your pretend mom for the day?” Scotty asked. Logan felt his friend's eyes fall on him. He remembered a calming technique from his counseling sessions. One, two, three…

“Yeah,” Logan replied with an edge to his voice.

“The lady who you said was super cool to let you off the hook today so you could hang with us?” Scotty asked again, even though Logan knew he knew the answer. Four, five, six…

“Yes,” the same tone.

“That’s the same lady who defended her crazy daughter when she hired that biker gang to cut off your ears, right?” Scotty chuckled thinking about the memory. Seven, eight, nine…

“Oh yeah, kind of a baller move for a mom,” Jacob laughed, not quite understanding the vibe. Logan rolled his eyes at his friend, still annoyed.

“Look you guys, Linda is cool. Her daughter might be a psychopath who is also the devil, but Linda actually cares about her, and, like, her whole family. Unlike those hags at the country club who only care about themselves, and their reputation,” he said almost mockingly. “Linda has her kids' backs, I’ve seen it. My mom is nothing like that,” Logan pushed out through grit teeth.

“Woah dude, Dr. Swanson has been putting in the work with you.” Logan ignored the comment. Ten.

“Guys, I know we were going to go to the skatepark, but…change of plans.” He felt himself grow a signature sinister smile.

__________________________________________________________________

It had been one hour since Louise took Cynthia to the basement to count the buns. They had run out of bread and counted heads of lettuce, onions, and everything they could. They were basically doing inventory. One hour and Louise was ready to pull her hair out. One hour of complaining and thinly veiled insults. She wasn’t sure how much more she could take.

“I shouldn’t be here. I should be at the club making-”

“Making plans for stupid events, I know I know!” Louise shouted over the woman's voice, finishing the sentence she’d heard several times already.

“They’re not stupid events. They’re important. We give back to the community. I wouldn’t expect you to understand. Your poor parents have probably never given anything. Especially your trash mother,” she said as she bruised some tomatoes.

Louise gritted her teeth. She may have not been as close with her mother as she was with her father, but she still loved her, and hearing Cynthia insult her like this lit a protective fire in the young girl. Louise balled her fists to avoid getting slappy. She knew violence wouldn’t be helpful right now, even though she wished it would. She settled on throwing some hopefully hurtful words of her own.

“Ugh, you are such an old bat. How does Logan even deal with having you as a mom?!” She hoped the insult would cut deep.

Cynthia scoffed. “Please. Logan would be screwed without me. He’s a natural troublemaker-like you- he can’t do anything by himself, he’s not the brightest crayon in the box, hell without me he’s worthless. He’d probably end up being a dirty bum living in a ditch without my help,” Cynthia said with a smile, she seemed like she was weirdly proud of her words.

Louise's eyes went wide. Had she heard her right? She was sure she did. She didn’t think her parents talked about her and her siblings like that. Did they? She shook her head and banished the thoughts immediately. Of course her parents would never even think something like that, let alone say it to someone else. Thinking through it all made an ounce of pity settle in her stomach for her nemesis.

“You don’t…like, say that stuff to him…do you?” She asked, although she wasn’t sure if she really wanted to know the answer. She watched Cynthia throw her head back and laugh. A laugh that seemed light and full of joy. You wouldn’t believe that she was degrading her son in the same breath.

“Well of course I do! How else can I get him to understand why he needs to listen to me?” Cynthia answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Louise’s jaw dropped. She eyed the woman, just waiting for the mother to admit she was joking or something. Anything. She still didn’t want to believe that a mother could think these things about her own kid. They just looked at each other, Cynthia said nothing, she made no indication that she wasn’t dead serious. The ounce of pity grew into a sickening ball.

“You are a monster,” Louise half whispered. Cynthia rolled her eyes and dropped a tomato.

“Come on, we may have our differences, but you and I both know what a screw up he is. But I know that I can make him into a nice and educated man. I have the resources.” She said this with an even more serious tone, like she had it all planned out in her head.

Louise scrunched her eyebrows together and frowned. She opened and closed her mouth a couple times while Cynthia eyed her and waited for her response. She wanted to argue, but she couldn’t think of anything to say that would make any kind of difference. It was rare for the girl to feel that powerless, like she didn’t have a voice. She wondered if Logan felt like that all the time with this woman. The pity ball grew even more.

She felt relieved when a second later her father came downstairs to inspect their work, and deem the job done. Which just meant that the rush was over. Louise stalled her dad while Cynthia stomped up the stairs. After she heard the door slam, the girl straightened her back and looked her dad in the eye. She tried her best to look serious even though she felt frazzled. She had a point to make.

“She needs to leave,” she began. Bob sighed and looked at his youngest.

“Just a few more hours, Louise. I don’t want her here either, but there’s nothing we can do about it now. Your mom called a bit ago, she isn’t having a good time either.”

“No Dad, you don’t understand. That-that woman! She’s a demon sent from Hell! She insulted our family, she called mom- she called your wife- TRASH!” Bob noticed that Louise seemed more frantic than before. He wondered if something more happened. He hoped she didn’t slap Cynthia.

“I know, she’s awful, but she always does that stuff. I hate it too but-”

“There's something else,” she interrupted, her voice meeker than before. Bob watched his daughter shift on her feet, and he knew there was something more to it. He hardly ever saw Louise be so affected by anything. He felt the fatherly urge to protect his kid. He nodded, encouraging her to continue.

“She talked about Logan…but not the way parents are supposed to talk about their kids…she said he's dumb and worthless. She said without her, he’d end up in a ditch. She said she tells him that stuff too,” she finished, looking as uncomfortable as Bob felt. Bob swallowed hard.

“Oh my god, she’s a monster.”

“That’s what I said! I don’t like Logan but hearing that his mom says that stuff to him…it made me feel bad. Which is weird,” she shivered a bit. He looked at the girl while she looked down at her feet. She looked pitiful.

“Oh Louise, it is terrible. That’s not how parents should treat their kids.” He couldn’t find the right words that would make her feel better. He hated the feeling he got when he couldn’t make things better for one of his kids. He also felt bad about the information that was just given to him. Parenting wasn’t easy, but he knew not treating your kids like garbage was easy. It was just a bad situation. He lowered himself a bit to be on his daughter's level, and put a hand on her shoulder.

“Look, let’s just go back to the restaurant for now and get today over with. Then, maybe we can talk about it? With Mom? She’s better at this stuff than me,” he cringed at his words, wishing he was better at this part of parenting. He watched her take a deep breath and nodded a small uneasy nod.

“Fine, let’s just go,” she walked back to the kitchen and Bob followed. He prepared himself for what he knew would be an agonizing few hours.

Things weren’t going much better at the club. Linda sat slumped in her chair, arms crossed, and quiet as she could make herself be. She kept her opinions to herself and just agreed with everything being said, and the club ladies seemed to be perfectly happy with that.

Linda was just about bored to tears when the sound of wheels on tile and rambunctious yelling interrupted them. She stood up and looked around with the club ladies. Before she could make a guess as to what was happening, three boys came skateboarding in, Logan at the front with his battle cry, “STINK THEM!” All Linda could react with was wide eyes. The boys all threw stink bombs at the women, but avoided Linda.

“Wha-wha-Logan?!” Linda yelled in confusion. She watched the chaos around her. Boys skating, ladies running and ducking out of the way, boys laughing, ladies yelling. She stood frozen in the middle of it all.

“C’mon Ms. B!” Logan appeared beside her. “RUN!” He shouted as he and the other boys made their escape out of the front door. Linda reacted quickly. She started running behind the boys, weaving through various obstacles like chairs or the staff. She caught up with the boys by the time they reached the front doors, but they kept running.

They stopped when they made it to the back of the building. Linda watched the boys high-five each other and talk about their awesome prank as she caught her breath. Her hands were on her knees, and she thought about whether she should exercise more. Her mind had so many thoughts at once. She couldn’t process a single one of them. She blamed it on the crazy thing that happened, not the fact that her lungs were on fire. She really needed to exercise more.

“Logan, what just happened?!” She finally got out. She saw the ginning boy who didn’t have a drop of sweat on him. Her ‘mom’ mind thought about how she should lecture him, but her sensitive side argued that those nasty mean ladies deserved to be stink bombed. She couldn’t decide on which one to start with.

“Those hags are lame Ms. B. But you’re cool, so we got you out of there!” The boys high-fived again. Her mind stopped racing at the sentiment. She felt pride welling her.

“You-you think I’m cool?” she beamed at the kids who grinned and nodded back. Logan opened his mouth to say something else.

“Well, we don’t think you’re cool. Not at all,” a voice spoke up from behind them. Linda stiffened then turned around. The three club ladies stood with tear-streaked faces and voices ragged from coughing. They looked angry.

“Oh crap on a cracker.”

“What the hell just happened?” Loudmouth yelled.

“Logan, your mother is going to be so angry and disappointed! And Linda?! Did you plan this whole thing with them?!” Second in command joined in.

“Wha- No! I didn’t, I just-”

“She didn't have anything to do with this, Ronda,” Logan interrupted. He said her name like it was a curse word. “You know, I heard you guys talking about her, and you deserved what we just did. You’re all stuck up and mean!” he let it all out, Linda thought he sounded like he had been bottling it up for a very long time. “And as for my mother, I don’t think that I can disappoint her any more than I already do,” he finished. His tone was unreadable but the tears in his eyes betrayed him.
Linda watched his outburst, she felt her heart break for the boy. She couldn't understand how a mother and her child could be so disconnected. The tiny shred of respect she had left for Cynthia was long gone now.

“I think it’s time for us to go,” Linda heard from behind the women. When she peaked around them she saw Tom as he walked out of the back exit. “Cynthia can come tomorrow to finish up with the work.” He stood between them, the club members on one side, Linda and the teens on the other side. They all just stared at each other until someone grumbled “fine.” They disbanded with some angry comments under their breaths. Linda looked back one more time, she wanted the last word.

“And you might want to take a couple showers before her highness comes back,” Linda snickered and stuck her tongue out at the scowling women. She heard Logan snort and try to cover it up with a cough after Tom gave him a look. Tom, Linda, and Logan all walked to the car.

The car ride back was silent. Tom gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles, and his jaw was clenched too tight. Linda thought about asking if it was aching, but decided against it. Logan sat in the back of the car with his arms crossed, a look of disdain on his face, and eyes locked with whatever was outside of the window. Linda spent the ride glancing from one Bush to the other and soaking up the tension. She tried to guess what each one was thinking, but didn’t feel confident with any of her guesses. It wasn’t until they got back inside their home that anyone spoke.

They sat in the large house's living room, Linda and Logan on either end of the couch, and Tom in a stylish chair. Linda had a fleeting thought about asking where they got their furniture, but Tom's sour face made her stay quiet. Tom was the first to break the silence with a disappointed sigh. “Logan-”

“It was my fault!” Linda heard herself say. Logan and Tom stopped and looked at her. They shared the same expression of confusion. It struck Linda that, even though Logan had his mothers hair color, he bore a striking resemblance to his father. Tom shook his head.

“Linda, I know my son-”

“No, really, it was all me,” she interrupted again. Tom looked at her with skepticism, while Logan looked at her flabbergasted. She was in too deep, no going back now. “Yeah, I gave him money for those stink bombs, and then I paid him and his friends to come do it. Yeah, that meeting was so boring, and those club ladies are so mean. I heard them talking about me and I, uh, wanted revenge! Uh, yeah, revenge. Heh heh…”

Tom took a second before responding. He seemed to be considering it, evident in his face of concentration. He looked from Linda to Logan a couple times, maybe trying to see any signs of deception. She couldn’t tell. She nodded, trying to keep up the façade, while Logan just looked at Linda. Tom's face fell into a more relaxed expression.

“Well, those women can be pretty rude. And Logan will do anything for ten bucks,” he started thoughtfully. “We’ll have to talk to Dr. Swanson more about your decision-making skills.” He seemed to be content with that version of the story. Logan just slowly nodded, still looking at Linda slack jawed. Linda made an attempt at apologizing.

“I’m going to take a nap,” Tom declared, interrupting her. She watched him get up and walk out of the room, mumbling something about Cynthia being smart to hide the valuables. The offense she felt about the statement was overshadowed by Logan's questioning look.

As soon as his father was out of earshot Logan spoke up. “Why did you do that?” His voice was void of his usual attitude, and was just pure confusion. Linda thought for a moment. Why had she done it? It came out before she could even think about it. Like an instinct.

“I dunno, you just did something nice for me, your version of nice. I don’t want to see you get punished for it. I would do it for any of my kids. Heck, I’ve done it for Louise. You remind me of her some,” Linda chuckled at the horrified face he made. “I just don’t think you deserve your mother’s wrath.” Logan looked at her with a sad expression. She felt sorry that she even had to have the urge to protect him from his own mother.

“My mom wouldn’t do that for me,” he looked down at his shoes. “I’m pretty sure she hates me.” Linda felt her heart drop. They were in dangerous territory. She didn’t really know the details of their lives, she just knew what she had seen and what they had talked about, none of it good. But she wanted him to feel heard. She didn’t know exactly what to say.

“Logan, sweetie, I know you think that, and I can see why you might. Your mother doesn’t know how to be a mother. But she doesn’t hate you. How could a mother hate her child? But that doesn’t mean that you deserve to have to put up with her crap!” Linda ranted. She watched as Logan considered what she said. He turned his head while blinking tears out of his eyes.

“I’m just not what she wanted in a son.” He was quiet. His voice was barely above a whisper, nothing like the loud attitude she usually heard from him. She felt her heart ache again.

“Well, just screw her!” she shouted abruptly. Logan whipped his head around to face her. He looked at her for half a second before he burst out with laughter. She grinned, then started to laugh too. She knew she shouldn’t say that to him about his mother, but she couldn't help it. She had a long and hard day, and it was Cynthia’s fault that they were in the position in the first place. She couldn’t stand Cynthia or her treatment of her kid. She wanted the boy to smile.

Their laughs died down and they sat in semi-comfortable silence. Linda didn’t know what else to say and she had a feeling Logan was done with the topic for now. She got a random idea.

“Do you wanna go play laser tag?” She asked. Logan perked up and looked at her with an energetic smile.

“I know where my dad puts his wallet when he sleeps.”

__________________________________________________________________

The Belchers suffered through the rest of the day. Cynthia continued to be a huge bother to them all, while Bob and the kids continued to be miserable. Even Teddy made a lame excuse to leave earlier than usual. Not that anyone blamed him.

“I’m really missing Mom right now. You never realize how great your mother is until you’re around one that, uh, is not so great,” said Tina, nervously glancing at the door that Cynthia had just walked out of.

“I’ve always appreciated Mom! She’s the Sonny to my Cher! I miss her!” Gene shouted. Louise was unusually quiet. Her siblings had gotten the story of what happened with Cynthia from their father. They decided to give her space while she internally struggled with it. She started to nod at Tina, finally showing she was paying attention.

“Cynthia is a terrible person, she shouldn’t be a mother,” Louise added with tension in her voice. “I feel sorry for her family.” Her family all looked at each other briefly. Tina walked closer to where her sister was sitting.

“Does that include Logan?” Tina asked carefully, trying to catch Louise's eyes. Louise avoided her expertly.

“I guess, but don’t go around repeating that!” Louise crossed her arms and looked away. She had decided she felt bad for that dumb boy after her conversation with Cynthia. She was disgusted with herself for feeling sympathy for him, she hated him for god sakes. But she understood that, as bad and annoying as he was, he was just a kid and he didn’t deserve that from his mom. He deserved it from Louise herself.

“Linda was supposed to be back like an hour ago. What's taking her so long?” Bob worried out loud, making her lose her train of thought.

“At least Cynthia got tired of waiting and just went home. Maybe when she gets home, she’ll send Mom back home to us,” said Tina. “I was surprised that she waited that long,” she added as an afterthought.

“I hope so, Tina,” Bob said. Louise listened to them worry while she thought about her parents. She knew Rudy's parents were divorced but they never treated him badly. The Pesto kid’s mom wasn’t around, and she knew that they weren’t really close with their dad, but she couldn’t think of a time that he was actually malicious towards them. She realized she had never been exposed to bad parents. Until now. She didn’t know what to do with the new information, other than to be thankful for her supporting parents. She even considered showing it. In her own way, of course.

The sound of the bell above the door ringing interrupted her thoughts. She looked at the door expecting to see her mom looking tired and dejected. She had heard about her rough day too. Instead, the sight she was met with surprised her and each of her family members. She watched her mom and Logan walk in, side by side, laughing like old friends. She stared at the two, wide eyed with her mouth agape.

“What the hell is going on here?!” She finally shouted once they got to the counter.

“Oh, we had the best day! Logan is such a sweetheart!” Linda said in a sing-songy voice. Louise jumped up from where she sat and ran over to where they stood.

“Mom, no! You can’t actually like this sad son if a bitch! And I mean that literally!” begged Louise. She was desperate. This had to be a joke. A prank. She refused to accept it. Logan regarded her with an amused expression.

“Calm down, Four-ears, we really bonded today,” Logan smirked, making Louise even more angry.

“Ha! He’s clever. Isn’t that clever, Bobby?”

“Um, no, that wasn’t really clever, Lin.”

“Aw, Bobby, can we keep him?” Linda gave him her best puppy dog pout.

“Yeah! Let’s get some more meat in here!”

“Don’t say that, Gene.”

“NO! No, no, no!” Louise shouted as she made a desperate attempt to push Logan toward the door. He didn’t move an inch. He instead laughed at her poor effort.

“He’s not a stray dog, Lin. We can’t just adopt him, he has parents. Kind of.” Bob looked at his wife, confused.

“Exactly! Bye, Logan!” Louise said, though nobody seemed to hear her.

“We can use him as practice for when we get a real dog,” Tina suggested.

“We are never getting a dog. I’m sorry, Tina.” Bob added in quickly.

“Mom, we can’t let him in our home, he probably has rabies!” Louise tried to reason. She tried to square her shoulders and look serious. The wild look in her eyes didn’t help her.

“Nonsense!” Linda started, waving a dismissive hand at Louise. “Logan, you’re welcome in our home and the restaurant anytime!” Linda said, while side hugging the boy. Louise groaned loudly for emphasis.

“Don’t say that around him. He’s dumb and might think you’re serious. He might actually try to come around!”

“Hush it, Miss Missy.”

“Don’t worry, Ms. B, I couldn’t stay away if I tried. You’ll be seeing me a lot more often. Hear that, Four-ears?” Logan sneered. Louise scowled but ran out of ways to argue. Tina walked over to where her sister was now. The others all started to talk and ask about each other's days.

“You did say you felt sorry for him,” Tina leaned in close to her sister and whispered.

“Tina! I said to never repeat that!” Louise looked at her sister and back at Logan, panicked. He didn’t hear, phew.

“Well, if he’s here more often, then he doesn’t have to be around his mom,” the girl pointed out. Louise considered what her sister had said. It was true. She weighed the pros and cons of letting him continue to just stay around his family in her mind, but the pity she felt for Logan outweighed it all. She sighed dramatically.

“I guess you’re right. I don’t like that he’ll be here, but you have a point,” the girl pouted. Tina looked satisfied.

“Thanks, Louise. I’ve been told that I’m pretty insightful,” Tina smiled despite her ever so monotone voice.

“By who?” Louise raised an eyebrow.

“My imaginary horse, Jericho.”

“Oh. Well, he’s right, T.” She appreciated her sister.

They heard their mother laughing again while saying something about stink bombs. When they looked over Louise caught Logan grinning at her mom. Just grinning. Not an evil smirk, not a judgmental sneer, not even a mocking laugh. Just a genuine grin. She almost didn’t recognize the boy. She couldn’t quite believe her eyes. Maybe they had bonded, like Logan said. The thought kind of disgusted her. But she caught the part of the story where Logan defended her mother, and as much as she hated to admit it, she was impressed.

“Fine,” she said to herself, “I’ll play nice. For now. For mom. But the second you screw up, Logan, I will be there, and it won’t be pretty.” She spoke quietly so nobody would hear her. She wouldn’t say it out loud, but she was happy to see her mom be so joyful, even if it was caused by that menace.

“For now.”