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Breaking the law of nature was one of the many things Rayleigh had no interest in. It was laughable, absurd - to even think a soul would blabber about changing the way of this world. So when he met Gol D. Roger, he grimaced at his words.
"I'm Roger! This meeting must be fate, Rayleigh!"
"Do y' wanna turn the world upside down with me?"
Rayleigh just laughed. It was the most foolish thing he heard in a while. He waved his flask at him, shooing him away.
"The world? You've got to be kidding! Who the hell are you anyway? Get lost."
Rayleigh stretched his arms out, getting into a more comfortable position and relaxing on the wooden staircase once again. He closes his eyes as he takes a sip from his flask, assuming that Roger guy had given up and left.
He feels the boat dip further into the water, almost as if the weight of another person has been added. He whips his head in the direction of the floorboard's creaking, only to find that same guy on board his ship.
"Hey! - Weren't words enough? I ain't sailing with you." Rayleigh sits up and crosses his arms.
"Oh come on! Just a ride to the nearest island."
Rayleigh clicked his tongue in annoyance. Not only did he meet a persistent idiot, he met the biggest fool on earth. There was no getting rid of him in the current situation. With a heavy sigh, Rayleigh stands on his feet and works on unfurling the sails.
"To the nearest island. And that's it."
Roger flashes the biggest grin Rayleigh has ever seen. He walks over to Rayleigh and swings an arm over his shoulders, closing in their distance.
"You're the best!"
Rayleigh could only roll his eyes at the statement. He felt like he was obliging to a child's play. There was no harm in playing along for now. They agreed that the furthest Rayleigh would take him is the nearest island. He just had to put up with Roger until then.
. . .
Of course, things don't always go as planned. Perhaps it was because the current washed them up on a stranded island with little to no resources, Roger's nonsense and blabbering became entertaining. After spending a week on the island, Roger's childish story-dumps became a routine.
Rayleigh would never admit to it, but Roger's company was exactly what he needed. The lack of resources built up on Rayleigh's stress as his top priority was to fix the damages that were made on the ship.
Maybe being stuck on an island chipped his rationality away. Maybe it was the stress and sleepless nights. But whatever happened, from that day on, as soon as the ship was (sloppily) repaired, Roger and Rayleigh sailed together.
It would be an understatement to say Roger's dream opened Rayleigh's eyes - he changed Rayleigh's point of view entirely. It was like his world was flipped upside down. In truth, it was flipped the day he met Roger.
His first thoughts were "Could a person's dream be this foolish?", but he ends up sharing that foolish dream with Roger. They'd laugh under the starry, black nights, lying on the deck of their ship.
Roger's dream was important to Roger. Roger's dream was important to Rayleigh. That night, he swore he'd stay by Roger's side to see his dream happen before his eyes. Rayleigh was given a hearty laugh. That was enough for Rayleigh to understand Roger appreciated his words.
. . .
3 months into their travels - Rayleigh begins to take note of Roger's habits. From his visible clumsiness to the small fiddling he does when in thought. He's learned a lot about Roger actually. Roger's favorite food is meat of any kind, Roger has a clingy side to him, and Roger's form of gratitude comes in words.
"I love you" - Rayleigh cringed at first. He'd scrunch his eyebrows or give Roger a confused expression. He's become used to it by now. Rayleigh doesn't give him the same treatment as before. Instead, he brushes it off or teases him "If you really love me..." and orders him around to complete chores on the ship.
1 year into their travels, they're inseparable. Best friends, partners, two sides of the same coin. Rayleigh would say there isn't much of a change. Except for the fact he's been feeling weird around Roger lately.
It wasn't like Roger's "I love you"s were new - so why does his heart flutter and leave light shades of red to bloom on his cheeks? Rayleigh had checked off many possibilities. Surely it couldn't be...
2 years into their sails, they have gotten a larger boat enough to fit a medium sized crew. They've recruited new people to join them in their travels; ones who drink away when the moon is up high.
Their sails are never boring. The islands they visit, the dangers they face - with Roger as their captain, the thrill of adventure never dies. Roger may be the best thing that happened to Rayleigh. And yet, he can't wash away this unfamiliar feeling.
. . .
"It's love."
That was the last thing Rayleigh had to hear. Love? As a pirate at that? For god's sake - they were in the middle of Grand Line! To think Rayleigh let himself become attached to Roger in such way...
Roger's goal held great importance to Roger as much as it did to Rayleigh and the rest of the crew. There was no space for personal feelings like love . It was the worst feeling. Rayleigh felt guilty.
Simple emotions like love were bound to become a burden - especially as pirates. To wish for a happy life, marriage, or children were out of a pirate's reach. To set sail meant exchanging those desires in search for great treasure through the waters. To become a pirate... Meant you'll give up your life to the sea.
"Come again..?"
Rayleigh tightened his grip on the glass cup.
"I said, it's love."
The bartender never peeled their eyes off their task, wiping the rim on the glass cup over and over until it made squeaking sounds.
Rayleigh had anticipated this answer. He was just constantly in denial. Ashamed of his own feelings - it was the worst experience Rayleigh had gone through in years. He sighed before he downed the remaining liquor in his cup.
A pirate will die at sea; an ocean of blue - they shall drown. But Rayleigh might as well drown in an ocean full of his discarded feelings.
. . .
Like the unpredictable weather in the Grand Line, the years came and went by. It's been 4 years since they began their journey, the Oro Jackson now carrying a promising crew on her deck - the Roger Pirates. 4 years Rayleigh harbored these feelings.
Perhaps it would have been better to face a cold, hard rejection. Rayleigh's world shattered when he took a glimpse of Roger's face when he was near Rouge. It was probably the same face Rayleigh made whenever he was around his captain.
At a time like this, his selfish desires start to overflow. He wants to grab Roger by his wrist, pull him into his chamber and pour all his feelings for him. But he can't. He physically cannot bring himself to do it. Rayleigh knows. He knows he'll never be able to do it.
Roger was a leader. What he needed was a friend he could rely on. He needed his right hand man. Knowing this, Rayleigh sat still. He stood by and watched Roger stutter and turn pink. He stood by and watched Roger get flustered and flash his lovely grin. He stood by and watched Roger fall in love.
"Rayleigh, are you okay?"
Rayleigh was short on answers. There was only one thing he could say, and it was the only option out there.
"Yes, I'm fine."
. . .
The crew's whining and complaint grew louder each day. They do need to restock their beer... As well as many other food supplies. Rayleigh had to check in with the ship's cook for that. He muttered to himself as he checked things off his list.
"We should refill the barrels soon. Whaddaya say cap?"
Gaban peeks over Rayleigh's list and calls out to Roger.
"We can't change the course of our direction. We'll have to wait till we reach the island."
Rayleigh interrupts as he taps on his list supported by a thin piece of wood. Several sighs could be heard from the deck, followed by Roger's signature laugh that immediately brightened the atmosphere.
"Our next stop is Sabaody. We'll stop by at a bar to quench your thirst for booze."
Rayleigh announces looking over to Roger and earning his nod of approval.
Drinking was perfect for clearing one's mind.
Night began to fall. Rayleigh took night duty upon himself and watched the ship for several weeks straight. He couldn't sleep even if he wanted to. With the weight of his thoughts hung on his chest, his mind refused to rest.
He breathed in the beautiful view of the endless ocean. The calm waters reflecting the moon and stars - scattered miles ahead. It looked as if the Oro Jackson was afloat on the night sky. Rayleigh didn't get much time to appreciate the night. His attention was brought to the sound of footsteps coming from the stairs behind him.
"You've been on night duty for a while now, aren't you tired, Ray?"
The concern in his voice gnawed at Rayleigh's insides.
"I'm fine. I get sleep during the day."
But Roger knew. He knew Rayleigh didn't get an ounce of sleep during the day. Keeping the Roger Pirates organized and in line became one of Rayleigh's many responsibilities. Even in panicked situations, he kept calm and composed.
Roger began to worry. As captain, it was his duty to keep his crew's health in check - that meant including Rayleigh. But Rayleigh brushed it off. Before Rayleigh is his first mate and his right hand man, he was his dear friend. Even with every sign and possibility that Rayeligh is not fine, Roger wants to believe his friend's words over his intuition.
Roger joins Rayleigh's side, taking in the sound of calm waves. The last time they had a proper conversation felt like months ago. It didn't feel like an appropriate time to bring up Rayleigh's troubles. So instead, Roger talks about his life - like he always does.
"Rayleigh."
He whispered, then earning a hum of acknowledgement.
"I want to marry Rouge."
Rayleigh sighed, casting his feelings and the pang in his chest aside. Marriage... A pirate with such reputation to dream of marriage - normally, it would all be a fantasy.
"Do you think the world would accept our love?"
Roger meets Rayleigh's eyes. It was a useless question. The world moved in Roger's favor - no, Roger always found a way to turn this world; to break the law of nature. He has always been like that. Rayleigh huffed a laugh.
"Of course."
He replied in a simple, clean tone. Calloused hands cupped Rayleigh's face, caressing his cheeks. Rayleigh jumped at the sudden touch, blinking in confusion as Roger stared at him. Oh how he loved those silver eyes; Rayleigh could see a reflection of his own confused face.
Roger drew his face closer with scrunched eyebrows, never breaking eye contact. Roger then grinned. Rayleigh raised an eyebrow as Roger let go and let out a hearty laugh, placing his hands on his hips.
"What's so funny?"
Roger didn't answer his question and looked out to the sea.
"Ray, no matter what happens, you'll always be dear to me."
Rayleigh felt like he was punched in the gut. He looked down to his boots then looked up at Roger again.
"I love you. Don't ever forget that."
He gave Rayleigh a grin bigger than the previous one. Rayleigh felt himself melting into a puddle. He huffed and crossed his arms, clenching the fabric of his sleeves. It hurt terribly, but he could never say that to Roger's face.
"I know."
He desperately wanted to claw at his chest - he wanted to stop the aches and scream. He wanted to embrace Roger, cling onto his neck and just stand like that for the rest of the night. But he couldn't. Not even in a million years. What he could do to repress his love for Roger was quietly sob onto his pillow, as his nails dug into his palms. Oh... Tears were starting to well in his eyes.
. . .
Their stop at Sabaody was nothing like Rayleigh imagined. As promised, the crew spent their time drinking, laughing, and singing in a bar located quite far from town. For the place's name - Shakky's Rip-off Bar, it was quite nice. The place was packed with the Roger Pirates, known as one of the most dangerous and famed pirate crews worldwide. Even so, the bartender served the crew and offered great service.
The Roger Pirates swiped and downed every last drop of booze in their barrels but she said she didn't mind. Rayleigh began to worry that their crew was becoming too burdensome. He was drinking next to his captain at the counter until he got pulled to a table by Spencer.
The Roger Pirates gathered around the table, refilling Roger's cup, chanting for him to drink more. Rayleigh let out a small laugh. He felt like he was parenting a bunch of nasty teenagers whenever around the crew, but he loved them all like family. The bartender, Shakky, who turns out to be the bar owner, walks up to Rayleigh behind the counter. She rests her chin on her palm, propping herself up with an elbow on the counter.
"Not joining them, Rayleigh-san?"
Rayleigh smiled and shook his head.
"I can't get too drunk."
Shakky hummed then turned to rummage through the shelf. She places down a clean cup along with a Dalmore 12. Opening the bottle and gesturing to Rayleigh, he huffed a laugh and accepted her drink. She poured some into her own cup then raised the glass for a cheer.
"Is there anything going on between you and Captain-san?"
Rayleigh tears his eyes away from Roger and the rest of the crew to look at Shakky with wide eyes.
"Does it seem that way..?"
He manages to mumble. Shakky giggles before taking a sip from her cup.
"I see the way you look at him."
"And I can't help but think: Rayleigh-san is madly in love with his captain."
She says in a playful tone - clearly enjoying Rayleigh's reactions and stuttered answers. Rayleigh groans as her teasing continues.
"It's not like that."
Rayleigh ruffles his hair in frustration.
"Oh? Is there a story to it?"
Shakky asks with interest.
"Care to share?"
She smiles as she swirls her glass around, watching the orange whisky swish inside the cup.
"I..."
Rayleigh began but stopped to look over his shoulder where Roger sat. Shakky watched Rayleigh's expression soften. He clenched his fists as Roger laughed, causing his heart to ache at the sight of the man he could never have.
"I love him a lot."
. . .
Rayleigh was embarrassed, but he couldn’t control his tears. They streamed down his face as he ran his mouth about his one-sided love. Shakky, quietly listening to Rayleigh's story across the counter and pouring him drinks.
He was a man in his early 30s, quietly sobbing as he poured his heart out to the bar owner. He felt like a child - a teenager who just got dumped.
The Roger Pirates were knocked out, some of them were already back at the ship. But what mattered was that Roger was nowhere to be seen inside the bar. It was no secret to the rest of the crew that Rayleigh harbored some kind of feelings towards Roger. In fact - he'd been asked multiple times from his crewmates.
None of that mattered anymore. Roger loved Rouge, and Rouge loved him back. Rayleigh hated himself for not being able to wish his best friend happiness - even if he could form the words, it was never genuine.
His stomach churned in jealousy as he watched them fall deeper in love. He'd stand by as Rouge swung her arm over Roger, pulling him in her hugs. He'd sit and watch as Roger did things and made expressions he would never make at Rayleigh.
Even when Rayleigh and Roger made physical touch - from the intertwined fingers to the soft cheek caresses, everything that could be taken as romantic, were not romantic at all. At least - it wasn't for Roger.
He felt guilty for making Shakky listen to his childish story. Though she claimed it was fine, it was getting horribly late. Rayleigh reached for his glasses after wiping his tears. He had to return to the ship. They had already restocked their supplies, and Roger would most likely set sail in the morning.
He apologizes to Shakky and throws in an extra pouch of Berries into a wooden crate where their payment for the drinks all lied. He scans the room and wakes the remaining few crewmembers, ordering them to head back to the ship.
It was truly one hectic night. But, Rayleigh's chest felt lighter - almost as if a heavy weight had been lifted from his heart. Maybe it was because of their conversation before his goodbye.
. . .
It has been 3 years since. The Roger Pirates are still sailing through the Grand Line in search to fulfill Roger's dream. Roger confessed his love to Rouge and the crew threw a banquet the very night.
Rayleigh drank alone on the deck furthest to the end of the ship, watching the dim lights of lamps illuminate the center of the Oro Jackson where the crew sang, danced, and drank. Rayleigh smiled at the sight below him. He was so focused on the toothy grins of his crewmates that he didn't notice the star of today's show joining him on the back deck.
"Rayleigh! What are you doing up here?"
He turns to his captain and shrugs before emptying his wooden mug.
"I should be asking you, you're supposed to be under the spotlight."
Roger walked over to Rayleigh's side to look at his crewmates. They stood in momentary silence before Rayleigh spoke up.
"Congratulations, Roger."
"Never thought you'd do it."
He adds at the end in a teasing manner. Roger pouts and lightly punches Rayleigh on the shoulder. They exchange a few jokes that calm down after a shared laugh.
"But really, congratulations."
Rayleigh meets Roger's eyes.
"I wish you two eternal happiness."
He grins at Roger.
"Thanks, Ray. It means a lot."
They don't get a second to continue their conversation as the crew was calling out for the man they threw the banquet for.
"Captain! Where are you?"
Several voices called out to Roger.
"That's your cue."
Rayleigh leans onto the wooden railing and closes his eyes, assuming Roger has made his way down the deck. A voice calls out to him, making Rayleigh immediately flutter his eyes open.
"Rayleigh."
Rayleigh's head tips toward Roger, gesturing to him to go on.
"Thank you."
He returns Roger a smile before watching him head down the stairs to join the rest of the crew.
He turns his body, propping himself up on the railings with his elbows, forearms overlapping each other. He watches as Roger spin Rouge into the air and pull her back in for a firm embrace.
Would it be cliché to say that it was "nothing at all"? To say his feelings for Roger have now completely dissipated? Would it be safe to say that the years of longing for the man he could never have now gone away? If so, can he confidently shout to the world that he's "fine" and genuinely mean it?
When the day comes where Rayleigh finds his own life partner - would he be able to laugh it off? To laugh all of Rayleigh's past desires off? Rayleigh is still unsure. But the fact that he was able to look into Roger's eyes and bid him happiness in a life without him in Roger's picture - it could only mean progress.
He felt his face burning. He could almost visualize his red cheeks. Rayleigh also felt an incoming headache starting to poke at his head - not to mention his vision becoming blurry as his eyes began to water. Maybe he had too much to drink. Yes, that could be the only explanation.
. . .
"Rayleigh-san."
Rayleigh turned his head to face Shakky, hand on the wooden door of the bar. She smiled warmly before posing a question.
"Will you be alright?"
Rayleigh didn't answer. Instead, he asked her a question back.
"Do you think I'll be fine?"
She huffed a laugh as if Rayleigh just asked her the obvious.
"Of course you'll be fine."
"I know you will."